Worst Week (2008–2009): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Truck - full transcript

Baby.

We all systems to go? It's our first
obstetrician's appointment.

- You're excited.
- I am. I'm very excited.

I made a checklist.
First of all, get you pregnant.

- Did that.
- I remember.

Second of all...

Lucky pants.
I'm wearing my lucky pants.

Check.
Third of all...

We haven't talked of
what to tell your parents.

We're gonna be gone for 4 hours.

I thought about that,
and I figured that we could tell them



we are going to Paris.

You know, for grapes.

Honey, they're gonna be suspicious.
I know these people.

I kind of do too.
And calm down.

But this is why I wanted to make this
appointment before we came out here.

Yeah, well, Dr. Royce is
the most popular ob-gyn in the city.

Okay, it was either today,
or it was the first week in may.

And you know what
we have then is a baby.

It would have been a lot easier if we'd
already told them you're pregnant.

Hey, why don't we just do that?

You know I still think they might not be
in the right frame of mind to hear it.

God!

Honey!

- I can't lift it. It's too heavy.
- It's okay.



No one can hear us.
Now take me!

Things are different now.

I'm wearing my lucky pants.

Well, your lucky fly is unzipped.

Hey, what's going on?

Just want to have perfect cup of coffee
waiting for my favorite son-in-law.

Chad's flight just arrived at Dallas.

- Thank god.
- Well, that's so nice.

- You're really excited to see him?
- Yes, I am.

Me too.

- Actually, I meant you.
- Well, it's been three weeks.

Our bodies just aren't designed
to be apart that long.

You're just jealous.

David, you did not have to get Chad
a present. That was so sweet.

You know it's the least that I could do.
You know, he sent my clinic all

this medical equipment
and lollipops for the kids.

They called'em lollichads.

Lollichads, that's cute.
Kind of obvious, but.

They're starving, so.

- Hey, mom, what smells so good?
- Blueberry walnut scones.

They're Chad's favorite.

Please let them be ready on time.

Yum, I can't wait to have one, ange.

Yeah, we'll see.

We're not going for
a walk right now, Texaco.

Too much to do before Chad gets here.

Dick, if you're busy,
I'm happy to take Texaco for a walk.

- Sam's great with dogs.
- Yeah, I grew up with dogs.

- Shepherds?
- Yorkies.

- Forget it.
- But honey,

honey, the dog's gonna be crazy
all morning if he doesn't go for a walk.

Really not that much trouble.

All right, fine.

- Really?
- The leash is on the doorknob.

Hey, buddy.

Ready to do this, you and me?

Doggy-style.

Good boy.
Look at you and I.

Look at that.

Texaco, a rabbit.

Okay, Texaco, Texaco!
Texaco, halt!

Heel, Texaco!
Texaco, heel!

Heel!
You shoulda heeled it!

Sam?
Where's Texaco?

It's okay. He saw a rabbit,
I tell you, and he just took off.

- What do you mean, took off?
- I'm gonna get in my car and find him.

No, you've done enough.
I'll handle this.

Please, Dick, it's like
his hunting instincts took over.

It was actually kind
of interesting to watch.

Anybody lose a dog?

Chad!

- Thank goodness.
- It's so good to see you.

Poor little puppy.

Good work, son.

It was nothing.
How in the world did he get out?

-= 104 =-
" The Truck "

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Brother-in-law.

- Thank you, David.
- You're welcome.

My god, David.

It's glorious.

Everyone in the village wove a section.

They were so grateful.

If it's a little sticky, it's because
one of the kids left a lollichad on it.

Come on.

Abigail's down.
Good, good, good.

Chad was just about to tell
us about his trip to austria.

If I could just have
a moment to kiss my wife.

Tastes like blueberries.

I just want to be with you.

- Now where was i?
- You were frenching my sister.

Chloe, don't be smart.

So Cad, Astria.

It was mostly a series of lectures,
presentations, and symposiums.

But I did manage to steal
a few idle moments to walk the city,

and I stumbled upon

the most charming little Antique

shop in the Alsergrund
district near the schottenring.

Is it schottenring, schott.

- As if anyone cares.
- As if.

I was just.
I was saying that

it's good that you have the details
'cause that's what makes the story good.

Anyway,
amidst all the junk in this place,

I did manage to find something
I think might interest you, Dick.

The mirrors for my truck.

And they're originals.

What they were doing in Austria,
I have no idea.

Just found'em.

You know there were a lot of americans

over there during the post-war
reconstruction.

You are like an encyclopedia, Dick.

I mean, where do you
fit all that information?

Your head's big,
that's been established, but still.

You are only allowed to say that
because your head is even larger.

Guilty as charged.

- Touche.
- These two.

I was thinking, you know,
thanks to Chad's early arrival,

why don't we do the family
picture today instead of tomorrow?

So everybody beautiful at 5:00.

- Side-view mirrors from alsergrund?
- I know. He's nauseating.

I was thinking,
maybe we could go to mama mangi's

before the appointment
to get meatball subs.

You have an appointment?
What kind of appointment?

It's a hair appointment.

I thought you just had
your hair done last week.

I did.
It's for Sam.

Yeah, I'm getting my hair cut.
Just, you know, for the.

The humidity Kinda makes my hair go!
Probably seen it.

While he does that, why don't stay
with me? We can cut vegetables

- for the crudite.
- I'm going with him.

- Why?
- Because,

- he gets scared.
- Scared of what?

The... I don't get.
It's...

Yeah, the scissors do it.

Yeah, I'm actually kind
of scared about the scissors.

We'll be in the garage,
working on the truck.

But I was gonna have
Chad rake the front lawn.

Hands off.
He's mine.

If only there were two of me.

How about Sam over there?

I'm sure that he could rake leaves.

- But he's getting his hair done.
- Cut.

I get my hair cut.
A barber does it.

I'd love to rake. Yeah, I can rake.
We have a little bit of time.

Problem solved.

Don't worry, Angela.
I've been known to be a vicious rakist.

- What did you say?
- Raker.

One who rakes.

I'll get the rake.
Where do you have the rake?

The rakes, the bags,
they're in the garage.

Roars what's up, fellas?

Hey, how'd you get your
gigantic heads in here?

- What?
- No, just 'cause of before.

Never mind. It's just 'cause,
cause, cause of your huge bald head.

'cause of before.

That's good. You guys here? I'm gonna
grab. You know where the rakes are?

I'm gonna be right back.
There you are.

I got it.
There's a ball down here.

Careful.
She runs hot.

Yeah, thanks
for the heads-up there, buddy.

Don't worry, Dick.

This is exactly why
I always Carry a Shammy.

There you go.

No harm, no foul.
You're all good, buddy.

That's my boy.

I Carry a Shammy too. I it's
in my car. It's a good one. New one.

All right.

Let's do it.

Okay.

Hey,
we need to get going soon.

To the haircut appointment
that I'm afraid of?

I panicked. I'm sorry.

Come on.

Okay.
My goodness.

I see you're almost
finished with the lawn.

Yeah, all done.

Okay, you know, i'll just pick
up the little sticks that you missed.

No, no, I'll get that.
I didn't notice those, but.

Mom, is that dress new?

- It looks really pretty.
- Yeah, I got it for the picture.

It's vintage.
You like it? It's beautiful.

- It's really nice.
- I thought so.

Well, it was between this and a blue.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

God!

My dress!

- Sam, turn it off.
- I got it.

Okay.

God!

Just stop.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Angela.

You.
Here.

Use my Shammy, Angela.

I'm sorry, Angela.

That is exactly why I never
leave my Shammy in the car.

Hey. Okay.
Your mom still mad?

No, not anymore. Chad took everyone out
for new outfits and gelato.

Gelato. I bet he said it with
an italian accent too.

Yeay, and then he sang "o sole mio,"
and everyone loved it.

We're really late. We need to go. We
have to be back by 5:00

- for the pictures.
- I know. Wait.

- No, don't say.
- Where are my keys?

- What?
- I forgot my.

They're in my other pants.

- Okay. I'll be right back.
- Okay, hurry up.

All right, we.
I'm gonna check the lawn again.

No, we already checked the lawn.
We have to go.

Well, then.

Leave this, we'll call a cab.

No, we don't have time.

- Let's take the truck.
- Your dad's truck?

Are you.
No, honey.

I love you more than life,
but I'm not breathing near that truck.

No, I'll drive, okay.
If anything happens, it'll be my fault.

No, you're missing the point.
No, honey, let's think this over.

We can carjack somebody.

Wait, honey, there's a tandem bike
in there. We'll just tandem it up.

It's fine.
It's fine.

Okay, let's do this.

Now what's the third pedal for?

- Don't jar the baby.
- Don't slow me down.

- Hold the elevator.
- Sorry, it doesn't do that.

It's not one of those.

Honey. "5 minutes."

It's unprofessional
for a doctor's office. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I missed my elevator.

Of course.

Hi, I'm Melanie Clayton.

I had a 2:00 p.m.
Appointment with Dr. Royce.

You're an hour late.

It's my that was me. Lost my keys.
Had a whole, one of those.

See, this is what I need, honey.
Big spoon for my keys.

- You take a seat.
- Jeez, okay.

Sweetie, fill these out.

Thank you.

If there's anything you can do,
check your computer, whatever,

system you guys run to get us in little
bit earlier, i'd really appreciate it.

Sorry, it doesn't do that.

Okay.

I get it.

- We're in big trouble.
- We're still okay.

- We have your dad's truck.
- I am very well aware of that.

Melanie Clayton.
The doctor'll see you now.

- Thank you.
- Room 401.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

So we're going to be giving
you a transvaginal

ultrasound,
take a few measurements,

- and so forth.
- Yeah. Sounds great. Let's do it.

Okay. Let's do it.
That's fun.

You know, I have three babies of my own.

- They're all grown-up now, though.
- That's okay.

Phillip is valedictorian
at his middle school.

Very proud of that. Gracie, she's
a bit of a tennis prodigy, you know.

Sweet girl.
She's got a wicked serve.

Hits that ball.

And Josh, my oldest...

Well, let's just say that
Josh really hasn't found his way.

I should never have bought
him that guitar, really.

He plays a music called Ska,

- which is really not my cup of tea.
- I'm sorry.

- Could we just do this already?
- Okay, I'm sorry, sorry.

The last thing you want
to hear is me drone

on about what we call
"the Josh situation."

You know that's actually
a good name for his band.

- My god.
- All right, okay, you know what, sorry.

- Don't get me started on my kids.
- We didn't.

Here we go.

Okay.

There it is.
See the strong heartbeat?

That's your little one.

That's what I was gonna say.

2.5 centimeters. That's the perfect size
at this gestational age.

What's 16:21?

SAT. Score, I hope.

No, that's actually the time.
4:21.

Okay.
4:21.

Honey, we have to be back by 5:00.

Honey, I love you so much,
but we have to be back by 5:00.

Move it, or die!

- My god, the haircut.
- What are you talking about?

My family thinks you're
getting a haircut. I got.

No way, that's not safe.

I got to. I go okay.
Try not to hit any bumps or turn real.

- What?
- No, it's fine.

Fixable.

Crap, Chad's stupid
car is blocking the garage.

- Freakin'Chad.
- It doesn't matter.

I'll just park it in the back and deal
with it later. Your dad'll never know.

Wait, honey. First... I just want
to say that that ultrasound was the most

amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.

I know. I can't stop thinking about it.

All right, how's the haircut look.

- Super-cute.
- Good? Good work, babe.

Okay, let's go, everyone.
Out on the lawn.

The sycamore looks perfect.
Some trees know how to behave.

There you two are. Come on.
Hurry up. Come on, it's picture time.

Dick, I was thinking of a good
look for you for the family picture.

If you just.

It's your best side.

You are so bad.

Chad.

Honey, go stand
on that side of your father.

Okay, and Sam,
Sam, try to get a few for safety's sake.

- Okay.
- Mom, what are you doing?

- What do you mean?
- Sam should be in the picture.

Honey, honey, you know
that we never include boyfriends.

Sam, you understand, right?
This is just a. Just a family.

Family picture.

No, Sam is more than a boyfriend.

- Okay.
- It's okay.

No, it's not okay.
All right, listen,

we didn't want to do it this way, but
Sam and i, we have some news.

We saw something really amazing today.

We saw our baby's heartbeat.

We're having a baby,
and we're getting married.

Oh, my god, Mel.
Congratulations.

Why didn't you say something?

- Good job, buddy.
- Thanks, mom.

Sweetheart.

You will make the best mom.

And you, welcome to the family.

Okay, that's enough.

- Okay, that's enough.
- Sorry.

I can still take the photos if you want.

I'll get the tripod.

- Mom!
- You canoke.

All right, no, I'm good. I know.
I'm a journalist.

I'm pretty good with these cameras.
I don't know. I don't know if that's.

Okay, where do you want me?

There's a little space right here.

Really?
Okay, setting the timer.

Here it goes.
Three... Two... one.

What the hell was that?

We should see if they'll bring 'em over.

I don't understand.

- Who moved my truck?
- We shouldn't

concentrate on things like that.
We should just. I'll call 911.

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