Worst Week (2008–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Monitor - full transcript

you know, most people
don't keep

their participation trophies.

you're in my room a lot.

uh-ooh, i like that smile.

you're a little less freaked out

than you were last night
about that painting?

i wasn't freaked out.

oh, no!

no, no, no!

hey, it's all good.

you had every right.
anyway, doesn't matter.



just got off the phone
with adam.

he says he can fix up
the portrait of your dad.

oh, good.

the guy who begged

for a graphic design job

at your magazine after he got
kicked out of art school.

they kicked him out
of that art school

because his work was
too interesting.

sam, this is a big deal.

my mom organized
the whole party

around the painting.

don't worry,
he's on his way over.

he-he's doing it here?

what?
in the basement?



i know.
i'm gonna stand by the door.

make sure no one
goes down there.

i'm a fixer.

i'm gonna fix this.

i'm gonna wrap this up,
and then

i can focus on the little mishap
with your brother.

ah!

would've been nice
if you would've told me

he was coming, by the way.

and that he was black.

i really thought you knew that.

how would i have-

well, i guess 'cause
you're black.

funny.

look, david is the nicest guy
in the world.

he'll totally forgive you.

then we can get this thing
back on track?

we can tell these people we're
gonna have a baby together.

you never stop trying.

i love that.

whoops.
whoa!

hey, what?

oh, i'm sorry.
you don't like that.

no, i like it a lot.
i'm just a little worried.

that that's gonna happen.

mel, i-
good lord.

hey, dad.
hey.

melanie, you know
i don't approve

of this sort of thing
going on under my roof.

yeah.
i know.

i told her we should do it
in the yard.

this isn't a good time
for a joke.

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okay, hold on one second.

because i want to savor this.

check.

oh.

hey, guys.

hey.

chess.
love it.

who's winning?
black or white?

you guys know i was talking

about the pieces
on the board.

not skin tones of people
at the table.

how are you feeling,
by the way?

he's probably feeling

like someone hit him
in the head with a shovel.

you know what?
i'm-i'm fine, dad.

sam meant well and it
was an honest mistake.

you know, i think you're taking

this rae shan bal
a little too seriously.

maybe.

what's the-
what is that?

what?
rae sham boo.

bal.
yeah.

rae sham bal
was gandhi's mentor.

his teaching are what inspired
me to get into medicine. oh.

all right, i think i have
a parry

for this desperation move
of yours.

desperation move.

ah, interesting.
i have a l-

god.

for god's sake.

let's go for a walk.
yep.

no, don't, guys.

i- i saw where everything was.

i actually have
a photographic memory.

i can remember this.

this was on black.
i know that-guys.

good morning.

oh, good morning.

hey, sarah,
how are you?

oh, i'm terrible.

thank you.

i was up and down all night
with the baby.

and now chad called.

he's gonna be delayed
at the hague

and won't be here till
tomorrow.

so scotty's all upset

because chad was supposed
to take him

to the mall to seepeacemon.

peacemon?

oh, he's an alternative
superhero.

instead of fighting,

he disarms his enemies
by sharing.

and solves conflicts
with a hug.

you know, i can take scotty
to see pizza man.

maybe that'll cheer him up.

oh, no, no.
it'speacemon,mom.

and thanks,

but there's no way he'll go
without chad.

it's kind of their thing.

well, then i'm gonna invite him

to make jam with with me.

brice and i are done.

chloe's here.
hi, honey!

my life is over.

don't follow me!

is that me?
that's mine.

yeah, that's mine.
listen.

i just put this on here.

i- i better grab this.
hang on.

adam, where are you?

i'm on my way.
relax.

i can't relax.

if these people find out i
burned that painting, i'm dead.

we all die eventually,
don't we?

okay, that's a great pep talk.
thank you.

scotty.

oh, hey, buddy.

i'm not crying.

it's okay to cry.

i bet-i bet peacemon cries.

he cries tears of joy.

figures.

does he ever jump
on beds?

i'm not allowed to.

'cause that's what cheers me up.

all rit, ready?

one, two-

that was a fun game.

i know.

you know what's another
fun game?

"don't tell mommy."

all right.

that cheered you up, huh?

come on, come on,
come on, come on.

no, i just went that way.

i just went that way.

i'm proud of you doing
such good work

in that war zone.

but i'm glad to have you home,

out of harm's way.

chloe, honey,
please open the door.

i have to say
i never liked brice.

you're 26.
lose the bowtie.

look who sam found.

oh, look at you.

can i go play?

sure.
yeah.

he was so sad before.

did you see that sunshiney
little face?

you're a miracle worker.

no, no, no, no, no.

i'm just a man.

well, it's too bad

you can't do the same thing
for chloe.

one miracle a day.
that's my limit.

you know what?

i know what will cheer her up.

a sneak peak of your father's
portrait.

or sam could try.

yeah, you know,
i'll try, i'll try.

hey, chloe.
how you doing?

oh, my god.
wow.

he cheated on me.

with some slutty girl
willing to sleep with him.

we were supposed
to get married.

i was saving myself.

oh.
seriously?

why, is that so strange?

no, no, no, no.

no, it's, uh,

it's just-how's that going
for you?

it's not like i'm a prude.

believe me, waiting makes you
really...

creative.

after all those years,

i got really good
at using my-

oh, man.
look at this.

look at that.

dad's got one of these.

hey, i can see your pain.

but, you know,

i just want to say
we've all been there.??

once upon a time,

i had a girl-whew.

she broke up with me

and i thought my world
was over.

i didn't eat.
i didn't sleep.

didn't feed my cat.

so i had to take brian
to the vet.

and...

that's where i met your sister.

see my point?

who's brian?

okay, i'll go back.

brian's a cat.

so i should get a cat?

okay, one more time.

you are right, sam.

it is time for me
to get over brice

and his lies
and his perfect teeth.

i'm gonna meet somebody
totally different.

i'll get it.

scotty and chloe.

you're a regular hero.

watch your back, pizzamon.

ah.

i'm, uh, kind of on fire
today.

yeah, what did you say
to her?

i don't know.

i just told her sometimes
when one door closes,

another one opens.

hi, i'm adam.

hi.
i'm chloe.

milady.

uh, hi.

uh, chloe,
this is adam.

angela, adam.
we work together.

we've met.

yes, we have.

boys, what happened?

oh, some jackass sped by.

he almost killed david.

hey, daddy.

meet sam's friend adam.

greetings.

wait, you're the jackass.

you should watch
where you're driving.

you know what?

it's fine, it's fine.

dad, it's just water...

and something that smells bad.

but-
come on.

let's get you cleaned up.
okay.

no footprints
on the berber!

who's the black fella?
nip it.

okay, adam and i are gonna go
working now.

sam,

scotty wants to know

if you would take him
to the mall to seepeacemon.

gosh, buddy,
thanks for the invite.

but we got work to do.

no, you can go.

i can handle it
on my own.

oh, yeah,

i'll make sure
he stays out of trouble.

thanks, chloe,

but it's a two-person job.

i need to be there
to supervise and-

you should go.

you know, i'm sure
there's work

adam can do on his own.

and i will make sure
no one bothers him.

yay!

* oh, we like peace *

* and we like love *

* there's no need *

* to push or shove *

* from the tallest man *

* to the tiny bug *

* everybody hey oh *

* needs a hug *

come here, little man.

isn't he awesome, sam?

yeah, he's awesome.

oh, mellie,

have you seen your father?

yeah, he's in the living room.

oh, perfect.

now i can sneak david
down to the basement

to see the portrait.

oh, no,
don't do that.

no, david's terrible
at keeping secrets.

remember your surprise
birthday party last year?

well, that party
wasn't a surprise.

exactly.

yeah, mon.

all right, all right.
you ready?

ready to see peacemon?
all right.

what?

come on, mon.

hey, babe.

hey, i need you back here.

we haven't even seen
peace dork yet.

i don't know how much longer

i can hold down the fort
over here,

okay?

i can't keep my mom
away from that portrait.

okay.

all right, we gotta go.

but i didn't get to hug
peacemon.

okay, stay right here,
all right?

hi, excuse me.
mr. peacemon?

um,

i was just wondering when you
might be getting back out there.

yeah, mon, in a bit.

i just have a kid out there

that would love a quick hug.

too bad, mon.

excuse me?

i said too bad, man.

okay, maybe i'll just
bring him in here real quick.

you can put out
whatever it is you're smoking.

no judgment.

actually, some judgment.

but there's kids out there.
you shouldn't be doing that.

get the hell out of my hut.

you need to get out there,
do your job.

blow the kid a kiss.
i don't care.

but i need to get outta here.

i said get the hell out
of my hut.

that was cool, sam.

i can't wait to tell
my mom.

no, scotty.

this is one of those
fun things

we don't tell your mom,
okay?

okay.

do i have anything
in my teeth?

i don't know.
let me see.

i'm sorry.
excuse me.

did you figure out
the thing with the thing?

i gotta-
the deal.

what are you talking about?

dude, what-
you can't be-

how much work have you done
on the painting?

i'm almost done.

you haven't done any,
have you?

i'm in love.

no, you're not.

now please get down there
and get to work.

fine.

all the way down.

i'm going.

there you are.
thank god.

i have no idea
where adam and chloe are.

relax, we're good.

adam's downstairs working
on the paintings.

scotty had a good time
at the mall.

everything's fine.
wow, everything's fine?

everything's fine?

that's fine.

yeah, everything's fine.

well, maybe it's finally time

to tell everyone
about the baby.

really?

well, everything is fine.

all right.
let's do it.

hey, everybody.

oh, hey.

where's adam?

oh, he's working.
he'll be up soon.

someone's modeling you.

chad is gonna be very jealous.

sam's my best friend.

oh.
dick, did you hear that?

last time he was here,

his best friend was
a wash cloth

shaped like an alligator.

but that's nice though.

well, anyway,
we have some news.

is it important?

'cause if it is,
we should wait for david.

he's on the phone.

he's settling a dispute
between

two of his patients
in nairobi.

scotty, your uncle david
is a real-life peacemon.

so, peace prevails again.

grrr!

hey, scotty!

ow!
why?

oh, scotty!

where did you learn that?

coming up, brawl at the mall.

hey, it's sam on tv!

an out-of-control shopper

attacked a beloved advocate
of peace.

it was business as usual
at the fairfax mall.

hundreds of young fans-

i thought everything
was fine.

oh, it's amazing.

dude, i can't tell you
how much

i needed this to go right.

thank you.

you're welcome.

you slapped me.

i'm sorry.

you know, i supported you
when you fell in love.

i fell in love over
a series of months,

not a series of minutes.

oh, well, my heart
can't tell time, sam.

please, adam.

chloe is my future
father-in-law's

precious baby girl.

he hates me already.

please leave it alone.

well, you owe me one.

big time.
thank you.

are you leaving?

yes, he is.

i know.
aw!

but we're about to have dinner.

i set a place for you.

it'd be rude to leave
an empty place at the table.

i don't know.
not really.

i don't think these days

it's a big deal.
yeah, that's rude.

you save villages.
it's amazing.

it really is.

you save lives,
inevitably.

okay.

no, no, no.

no, i don't do desserts.
you know that.

take a bite.
it's my rum cake.

and you won't need an after
dinner drink with that.

i put a whole bottle
of rum in there.

ooh-hoo-hoo!

oops.

i dropped my napkin.

oh, here, here,
take mine.

oh!

ah!
fire! fire!

it's okay.
i'm fine.

i'm fine.

and you know what?

i shouldn't even eat this
anyway.

so this is-
sorry.

this is actually
a good thing.

i'm gonna go watch
a movie.

anybody interested
in watching love, actually.

yes, actually.

i'm glad you suggested that.

i wanted to see that
in the theaters.

i don't know how i missed it.

really?
that's interesting.

i remember you telling me

that you wouldn't see that movie
unless someone killed you

and dragged your bloody corpse
into the theater.

no, i was psyched to see it.

you know,
i think i'll watch too.

really?

just doesn't seem
like your type of movie, dad.

oh, no, i think
you're gonna love it, dad.

it's so cute.

yeah-hey.

oh, god.

i just need chad to get here.

i'm hiding from the baby
for a minute.

i know it's wrong.

i just-i ca-

i can't.
i'm just too tired.

well, sarah, why don't
you let us

take the monitor for tonight?

come on, you need
some rest.

no, i don't think
you understand.

you're gonna be up
every few hours.

we can do it.

it's the least
that we can do.

especially after sam
and scotty's little adventure

with peacemon today.

yeah, come on,
let me redeem myself.

well, i could use
a little beauty sleep.

hand over that monitor,
little lady.

okay.

good luck, guys,

and god bless.

take that, peacemon!

aah!

scotty.

oh, jeez, honey.

this is not a toy,
okay?

and we need to pretend
to like peacemon.

okay?
all right.

now go back to bed.

you're the best, sam.

all right, good night!
ha ha!

ugh, it's late, huh?

well...

might be time for all of us
to go to bed.

yeah.

should probably get going.

david.

come in.

oh.

sorry.

um, i've been thinking
a lot about-

lot of pillows there.

um,

i wanted to apologize
for everything today.

it's been crazy.

and if i were you,

i would be furious.

you know, over the past
couple years,

i've been in some pretty ugly
situations, sam

and even in those,

never lost my cool.

so i don't think
i'm gonna lose it over this.

amazing.

you're like part man,
part robot,

all saint.

well, someday.

why don't you get to sleep?

good night, sam.

good night.

good night.

good night.

good night.

straight to bed now,
sweetheart.

you've had a hard day.

the best thing for you

will be a good night's
sleep.

thanks, dad.

i'm gonna get
a glass of water.

all right, good night.

good night.

thought you'd never come back.

okay, come on.
we need privacy.

oh, hey.

i was gonna leave
the monitor with sam and mel,

but i just couldn't do it.

i'm gonna put her
in bed with me.

oh, you're a good mommy.

okay, good night,
sweetie.

good night.

this is much better
than my room.

it's farther from my parents.

that's good,
'cause i'm a screamer.

cool.

ooh!

we could do it
against the crib.

your brother is the best.

my friend almost hits him
with a car.

i trained scotty
to punch him in the crotch.

i almost set him on fire
at dinner.

anyone else would've thought
i was trying to kill him.

but not david.

i told you.

it's impossible
to make him mad.

and the painting.

you gotta see the painting.
it's perfect.

it's completely fixed.

wanna know why?

'cause i am a fixer.

wait-what about adam?

is he still trying
to maul my sister?

nope, your dad didn't like that,

so i got rid of adam.

i fixed that too.
good.

and we're back on track

to tell your parents
about the baby. yeah.

mmm.

after a good night's sleep,

yeah, good luck with that.

what?

remember, we volunteered

to take the baby scream
amplifier.

oh, the monitor.

i think i dropped it
in david's room.

okay.

oh!
okay!

you son of a bitch!

you are trying to kill me!

and i will tear your ass up!

no, david, please.

i was-i thought
i left

a baby monitor in here.

you know what?
go back to sleep.

i don't like the way
that sam's friend

was looking at chloe.

oh.

oh, that was just
an innocent flirtation.

nothing will come of that.

mm, oh.

what was that?

you're a really good kisser.

that sounds like-

i know what that sounds like.

where's that coming from?

honey,

it's coming from there
under the-under the bed.

what?

oh, that's good.

wow.

oh, what the hell is this?

oh, god!

oh!
oh, dick!

dick!
dick!

oh, honey!

it's okay.
no one can hear us.

adam, take me!

hey, guys, i think i left

the baby monitor in here.

oh.

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