Worst Week (2008–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Bird - full transcript

Oh, my God!

Oh, sorry, baby.
I was...

You have a nice room. Very nice.
It's much nicer than mine.

Which is fine, 'cause you've
known your parents longer, but...

This one's much nicer.

So you're awake?

Yes, I've been working
on a new strategy.

Thought about it last night,
all last night.

Your dad makes me
nervous, right?

Things tend to happen to him
as a result of my nervousness.

Something's wrong
with that trip switch.



Dick, be careful.
Sam's urine.

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

That's sweet, love. But it's
unnecessary because of my new strategy,

which is just to
focus on your mom.

Forget your dad.
Your dad's just scary.

My dad's not scary.

Really? The look?

You don't find
the look scary?

Not when you do it. No.

Besides, he doesn't
give me that look.

He gives it to me
all the time.

But your mom's
another story.

She obviously has
a soft spot for me.

...back, you sick, sick,
sick, sick, sick...



What's going on?

That was a minor misunderstanding.
That's in the past.

Now, I'm focusing all my energy
on her like a tractor beam.

Put my little spell on her,
she goes to work on your dad for me.

He falls in love with me,
we tell them that we're getting married.

And that I'm pregnant.

And that
you're pregnant.

Now, what's a tractor beam,
is that a nerd thing?

No, it's not a
nerd thing, it's from Star Wars.

Well, yeah,
it's a nerd thing.

That's gotta
be my sister.

All right, buddy, let's go.
Scotty, no! Yeah, we're here!

Slow down. Scotty,
be quiet, it's morning!

Okay, so this is it. You're meeting
a lot of my family this week.

Are you ready?
I'm ready.

I'm ready to do this.

Plus, if I strike out with your mom,
I can take a run at Sarah.

Ew, that sounds like you're
trying to hook up with my sister.

Well, if that's what it takes
to get your family to like me.

There's a sweatshirt I haven't
seen in a while, and a sandwich.

Honey?

I'm pregnant.
I don't feel like cleaning up.

If that's a symptom,
then I think you've been pregnant

ever since
I've known you.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.
That's new.

No, right now.
Oh, morning sickness?

Wait, wait, do this.
No, don't do that. Wait.

Go. Boom.

Ah!

Whoa!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

All right,
I'll take care of this.

I'm going to go
brush my teeth.

Yeah, and your hair
a little bit.

Well, look who slept in,
Miss Pajamas! Must be nice.

Sarah, hi.
How was the trip down?

My boobs are exploding
and I have to go pump.

Hmm, still sticking with
that style, huh? Okay.

You weren't going to use the bathroom,
were you?

Great.

Oh, good, Sam.
I was looking for that exact vase.

Sarah brought these.
Aren't they gorgeous?

Oh, they are. I was looking for you,
too, 'cause I wanted to use this.

For what?

I'm going to, uh,
fill it with pennies.

You ever do the penny thing,
where people put pennies in it,

and then they'd guess how
many pennies are there?

And then the winner
gets the pennies.

May I have it?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, God,
what's in there? Vomit.

My stomach's been all...

I didn't want
to bother you guys with it.

It's probably
something I ate.

Something you ate?

You've been here two days,
all you've eaten

are the meals that
I've fixed for you.

Is something wrong
with my food?

Oh, no, no, Angela.
Your food is great. I love your food.

Except when
it makes you vomit.

That's...

Well, I guess I will be
making a run at your sister.

I thought that was Mel.

Have you seen Mel? I'm sorry.
I'm Sam, by the way.

Could you please leave?
Get out.

Oops, I know,
this rug does this. Out!

Ow!
I do not care about the mat.

You freak, get out!

Uh, I'm very sorry.
What are you doing?

Get out!

Now, Angela, I don't
know how I feel about

you putting flowers
in my vomit receptacle.

I brought that
specifically for vomiting.

Just kidding.
They look very pretty.

Thank you, Sam.
Are you feeling better?

Yes, much. Thank you very much.
100%. Ready for breakfast.

Now, you get in that kitchen and
you make me breakfast, woman.

Well, that was
very nice.

Oh, please. Not my
organic Braeburns.

The green apples are overripe, they're
mealy. They'll be fine with those.

Yes, there you are.
Yes, that's my boy.

Jeez.

Get a room, you two.

I'm with you, Sam.
I don't know what he sees

in those nasty
little creatures.

You know, they'll peck you if
you put your finger in there.

Deep down, she likes 'em.

Wow, that's huge.
They eat big fruit like that?

Well, this guy'll eat anything.
Fruits, vegetables, caramel corn.

I just love to spoil you on
your birthday, don't I, big guy?

Listen to yourself,
it's embarrassing.

Oh, you're just jealous.

How about you, Sam,
you a bird guy? Oh, yeah.

Mmm!
Really?

Well, not the
kind you think,

because I've been on both
sides of that story, so...

What? One second.

I think Mel's looking for me.
I'll be right back with you guys.

I'm almost finished with my
famous cheese and avocado omelet.

Who would like one?

Ooh, count me in,
I would love one.

What are you doing?
You don't like avocado.

It's fine. She doesn't think I like
her cooking. I want her to get over it.

Scrape it off
or something.

Oh, for God sakes.
There's been another break-in.

Right on Amesbury Road.

That's the fifth house this month.
This guy has a lot of nerve.

I bet you'd like to get him
into your courtroom, huh?

Send him to
the electric chair?

Send him to the electric
chair for burglary?

Oh, no, not literally to the... I meant
like, you know, the old expression.

Send him to the electric...
It's an expression.

No, it isn't.

Oh, that's a look.

You see? That's what
I'm talking about.

The omelets are ready.

Mmm! Oh, look at
all that avocado.

I think, just to be safe,

I might run into town
after breakfast

and get a motion sensor
for the outdoor lights.

Sam, here's your omelet. Let's hope
this doesn't upset your stomach.

Are you kidding?
This is exactly what my stomach needs.

Grandma, Grandpa, it's me!
I'm hungry. ANGELA: Oh, hi!

Look who it is!
Good morning.

Hey, you've met
Sam before, right?

Yes.

And you, get over here.
I'm really sorry.

Hey, Auntie Mel!

Oh,
my God, you're huge.

What are you doing to him?
Is she stretching you?

Hey, Scotty, maybe while I'm in town,
I can grab some rope,

and you and I can fix up that old swing.
What do you say?

Yeah.

You know what, Dad? Research shows
rope swings are very dangerous.

Oh, Sarah, come on, we were on
that thing all the time as kids.

Hey, if it weren't
for the rope swing,

where would you have
had your first kiss?

Mel, there is
a child in the room.

Or your second or third or fourth
first kisses? Sarah was a slut.

Oh, Melanie.
Melanie!

I bet you weren't a slut.

What's a slut?

"What's a slut?" I thought you had
his... The earmuff thingies on.

A slut is...

Well, you're going to like 'em,
I can tell you that.

I'm sorry.

I got to go to the rest room anyway,
so I'll be right back, guys.

Can I... Do you mind?
I'll go.

What?

Hey, guys.

Feel these.
No. No, absolutely not.

No, I need you to do this.
No.

They're like rocks.
And ever since Abby got some teeth,

my nipples are
torn to shreds.

Well, I could just talk about
my daughter's breasts all day,

but I think I'll use this
opportunity to walk into town.

Dad, I got more to say about my boobs.
You're going to wanna hear it.

Girls, girls, girls.
My ladies have a story.

You all sound like
a couple of airline pilots.

I, too, like boobs.

Like, even up
in the bathroom?

I'm really sorry about that. I'd never seen
one of those machines and it scared me.

I'm just teasing you.
I know you're not a pervert.

I'm not, really, and I think breastfeeding
is a natural and beautiful thing.

Always have.
Hmm.

Think I'm going to
like this one, Mel.

He's a good one, huh?

Oh, God, I need a nap.
Mom, do you think you can watch Scotty?

Oh, yeah, of course, dear.
I do need to polish this silverware.

Would he enjoy
doing that with me?

You know what? I think I'll just
stay up and take care of him myself.

I just can't wait till Chad gets here.
Well, I'll watch him.

Oh, yeah, sure,
that'd be great.

You know, the last time
she watched him,

I found him eating crayons
and cutting up a carpet.

Come on, we'll be fine.

Okay, but you cannot just
be the fun aunt, okay?

'Cause then I'm the one left
picking up the pieces.

No, no, I won't be any fun.
I'll be just like you.

Well, thank you.

All right, Sam,
you watch her, I trust you.

Okay.

So, Sam, how did you
like your omelet?

Hated it.

Joking, one of the top
10 omelets in my life.

And yes,
I've been to France.

Where are you going?
Gotta keep my eye on you. Sarah said.

Oh, you feeling pretty cocky now, huh?

Saw that?
She trusts me, right?

And your mom likes a
guy with a big appetite!

Oh, yeah! What did you do
with that omelet, by the way?

What sink or toilet did
you clog with avocado?

No, it's awesome. I wanted to make
friends with your dad's birds,

so I fed them
the avocado.

Oh, no. Sam, tell me you didn't
feed the avocado to the birds.

Why? They eat fruit.
It happens all the time.

One of them gobbled
it up right away.

Avocado's toxic to birds.

No, it's...
Of course it is.

I'm so sorry.

Sir?
Afternoon.

Okay, hi.
I just need a bird.

Oh, I'm sorry,
we don't have any birds here. What?

Kidding, okay?
They're all for sale.

Except this guy,
and you don't want him anyway.

Because he's a pain
in my ass!

Get off the perch!
I am your master!

So, what kind of
bird do you want?

It's... I don't know
what they're called.

Parrot? Cockatiel?
Canary? Ooh, falcon?

I'm kidding. I don't have a falcon,
it's illegal.

I have a falcon.

Listen, it's just...
It needs to look like that, please.

Oh, my... Dude,
what is the matter with you?

Whoa!

It's the death drill.
This is a magician.

Fake dead bird, right?

Say right.
Right!

Yes, yes. Carry on,
huzzah, huzzah.

Seriously, bro,
why are you carrying this around?

I'm just...

I'm having
a lot of trouble,

you know, letting it go.

I get that. It's cool.

Yeah. Hold on.
I think I got something for you.

Really?

What?

Okay, how about Tomas?

That is perfect.
Can you just put that in a bag for me?

In a bag? Just go ahead and
put that right in the bag.

Tomas in a bag.
Bag's $50 extra.

For the bag?

Put some holes
in it, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Sam?
Dick!

Why are you...
I didn't even see you there.

What? Is everything...
I didn't even...

We're both at a bird
store, which is weird.

Well, actually,
it's not weird. I own birds.

Why are you here?

I didn't even know it was a bird store
when I came in. It was one of those deals.

Hey, you know, it might be a
good thing that you're here.

I don't think so.

These motion sensors are a lot
heavier than I thought they would be.

I was going to call Angela
to come and pick me up,

but maybe I can get
a ride with you.

Nope.
What?

I mean, there's...
I'm parked so far away.

As far away
as the house?

Just about. I mean,
it's pretty far away.

I'd really appreciate
if we just...

Yeah, but let's do this, though,
because that will be good for you.

Who's that?

That is your mom.

And that is me.
I was cuter. And that...

Is Uncle David.
Yeah.

He's coming to Grandpa's
birthday party.

Oh, no, honey, I wish he were.
He's still working in Africa.

He's right.
David's coming. What?

But I told you not to tell
anybody, Scotty. It's a surprise.

Sorry.
Chad and I arranged it.

That's so great.
Dad's going to be thrilled.

I know.
How thoughtful are we?

Can I help you
with that?

Yeah. It's totally
broken, though.

There you go.

Oh, my God. Please tell me you
did not give him jellybeans.

Oh! Because he goes crazy
when he has a lot of sugar.

Oh, no, he just
had a couple.

I've had 48.

And we worked on counting.

And Abigail's up.
Perfect timing.

Um, you know what,
Scotty?

Why don't you keep having fun with fun
Aunt Mel, and I'm gonna go get her.

So, he's all yours.
Good luck.

Don't need it.

Oh, and the sugar rush and meltdown
should be starting about now.

Have fun.
We're doing fine.

Tag. You're it.

Scotty!

Oh!

Hey, how'd you do?

Good, you?

Just super.

All right, yeah,
here we go.

Here we go.
Oh, here we go.

All right, and...

Mission accomplished.
Oh! No, you don't.

There.

Sam.

Huh?

All right, there, right?
Beginning of Piano Man.

I got to work
on it, though.

You know, I wouldn't
normally ask this,

but I could really use
some help out there.

Yeah, definitely, I want to help.
Yeah, just go away

outside and I'll get... I'll come
to you after I go to the bathroom.

Okay.

I'm sorry.
I didn't see you guys there.

Oh, Sarah, cover up.

Oh, no, I'm fine, Mom.

Well, you're going to
make Sam uncomfortable.

No, he's fine, too.

He's very progressive about
breastfeeding. Aren't you, Sam?

Yeah, big fan. Love it.

It's not... It's not what you think.
It's not my...

Guys, these pants.
Trust me.

Sam.

I can really use that help
now if you're up for it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah,
he's up for it all right.

Please don't think that was... Yes,
it was.

I'll explain.

I just need you to hold
this ladder steady.

Okay.

That light's a little more
complicated than I thought.

The instructions
were confusing.

They didn't supply all
the necessary hardware

And I had to
run power from the house.

You know, most thieves,
they'll just take off

if they think someone can look
out the window and see them.

You want to hand
me that fixture?

Yeah, no problem.

Okay.
Thank you.

You know, I think you'd
want to use two hands there.

I got it. I got it.

All right.

Yeah.

I need a Phillips-head.

Oh, is that a...
A screwdriver.

Uh, this... This one?

Yeah. That one.
The funny head one.

Sam, what are you doing down there?
Hold the ladder.

I was making sure you had a...
I was looking around,

'cause if I was a burglar,
I'd probably...

Yeah, just hold
the ladder.

Well, I think that that is about it.
How'd you even do that?

Hey! Come on,
easy there. Sorry.

Thanks for your help.
I'll see you later.

Hey.

How'd the clown
tryouts go?

It was the only way I could
get Scotty to stop drawing on the couch.

What's the matter
with you?

Oh, you don't even
want to know.

Had a bird in my pocket,
there was an erection misunderstanding,

so I punched it in
the face and killed it.

Oh, no!

He's never going
to let me marry you.

No, he can't do that,
I don't think.

What happened
to my bird?

There it is.
Be strong.

Jeckyl's gone.
Dick.

Dad, I'm so sorry.

I was... I opened the cage
to play with the birds and...

And one of them
flew out the window.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, please don't
look at me like that.

Just try to be more
careful next time, honey.

And wash your face.

Oh, my God,
I got the look.

I told you.

You're on your own
from now on.

All right, thanks, honey.

I owe you one big time.

Oh, hey, you're up.

Hi.

You got a big enough
sandwich, then.

You shut up, I'm pregnant.

I thought I'd go
bury the bird.

Mmm.

Look at all
of this stuff.

Oh, my God.

And this is just the pump.
What if I can't do this?

What, breastfeed?
You got them.

No, be a mom.

Are you kidding me?
You're going to be the best mom ever.

All right? We're going
to do this together.

Well, we're not going
to do that together.

Yes, we are.

Oh, good.

You don't think I'll do it?
I'm going to do it.

Oh, okay, Sam, no.
You don't have to. Sam.

Can't be that bad.
All right, turn this baby on.

Do it.

Are you ready?
Go, go, go, go.

Oh, it sucks.

This really hurts.

In a very interesting way.
Turn it up, to 10 or nine.

Okay.

Think I could maybe use
that when you're done?

Ow!

Thanks.

I broke it.

I'll go talk to her.

Yeah, you want some more,
huh, burglar man?

You picked the wrong
house, buddy.

Hey, guys, hey, guys!
Mel, Mel. Get it on up, honey.

Hey, hey, guys, I got something,
I got something.

Family downstairs.
Dick, Dick!

This had better be good.

Oh, trust me,
it's good.

You know the burglar that's been
terrorizing the neighborhood?

Well, you're not going to have
to worry about him anymore.

Oh, no!

Oh, Sam.

Oh, honey, don't worry about me.
Believe me, he got the worst of it.

I don't think you've
met my brother, David.

Surprise.

What happened?
I forgot my keys.

Are you okay, David?