Worst Week (2008–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Hold on, hold on.
Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Is that?
I think i felt it move.

No, you didn'T...
Okay, I'm only seven weeks pregnant.

Babies don't start moving until,
like, the fifth month.

Maby other people's don'T.
But see already Batman's different.

Stop calling it that.

- But It's a Fam.
- It's not a family name.

Okay, I stopped the newspaper.
I packed for both of US.

This one just says "rember."
I gotta change the outgoing message.

- Let me get that.
- Thank you.

Hi, you have reached Sam and Mel.
We won't be here this week.



We will be at her parents'house
to celebrate her father's 65th birthday,

and tell them
that we're getting married,

and I'm impregnated their
daughter out of wedlock,

which I'm sure they'll be thrilled about
since they already hate me.

- They don't hate you.
- I flooded their house.

I'm starting to think,
maybe that wasn't such a good call.

But it's been repaired
and all is forgiven

ish.

See, that doesn't help.

Maybe you'd be less nervous

if you came out with me this morning.
Skip your office party.

I'd love to baby, but I'm the assistan
editor at the magazine

and Ipod deejay tonight.
Two very revered positions.

And by the way, i'm not that
nervous about meeting your par.



Yeah, you seem good.

Okay, remember, get there by 9:00,
and we'll tell them after dessert.

My mom made her cherry pie.

You know, I actually don't like pie.
I find myself to be more of a cake guy.

- It's my dad. Where's the phone?
- That's your dad?

I didn't delete the answering machine.
We need to find it.

Got to put that back on the dock.
The dock is there for a reason.

Dock for a reason. It recharges it.
We have got to find it. Couch.

Answer it!
Get it!

Dick.

It's Sam.
How are you?

Sam.

Mel's friend, yeah.

We're really looking forward to see?
Okay, I'll put her on the phone for you.

- Hey, dad.
- He loves me.

-= 101 - Pilot =-

VO BY :

?AkaZab?

- Hey, Hun.
- How's the party?

Filled with party people.

Why don't you come out here early?
You could be here for dinner.

I thought of that actually. But we made
a plan to meet them for dessert.

Remember, and after you make a plan,
it's a mistake to deviate, so I.

- Thanks.
- Who's that?

It's nobody, honey.

Okay, Sam, listen to me. You know
I think it's super cute when you don't

realize girls are flirting with you.

No, honey,
no one's flirting with anybody.

But I need you to know

that tonight's really important.

- So just don't be late.
- No, stop.

It's, not late.
No one's gonna be late.

Mel?

Mel?

Well, I finally finished preparing
the goose for dad's birthday dinner.

And all that's left now
is two days of brining...

Which some people
might find interesting.

I said to your mother,
"all I want for my birthday

is a nice steak with my family."

So she invited 60 people
and got right to work on a goose.

You're gonna love it.
We're having roast tonight.

- And I'm really proud of my pie.
- Mel.

- You okay?
- Yeah, dad. I'm fine.

Was that your friend on the phone?
Did he upset you?

No, dad.
I love my friend.

And maybe since I've been
with him for two years now,

you could stop calling him my friend
and try welcoming him into your home.

And we do, dear. Of course we do.
We like your friend very much.

Right, Dick?

Mel, you're not picking up your cell.
I'm on my way to the train station

right on schedule. Can't wait
to dig into your mom's cherry pie.

And that sounded dirty.
I'm sorry. I love you.

- Sam-my.
- Nicky,

- Are you sure you should be driving?
- Are you kidding me?

This car basically drives itself.

Really, Nicky.

We're actually making two stops.

I just had a naughty thought.

Listen, Nicky.

- That is naughty.
- I know.

God.

Thank you. That's very flattering, and

a Teensy bit degrading
for both of us actually.

But I'm about to be engaged.

I feel sick.

No, don't.
Hey, you're a great gal.

Mel and I are just Kinda perfect for
each other. And, you know, love is a.

This car is my place of business.

How would you like it if I came
to vomit at your place of business?

You're. That's a great point.
If would be difficult at mine 'cause

there's a security guy. You'd have to
check in. Look where are you going?

Sir, you cannot leave this scene.

That is against delivery man's code.
Have you no code, sir?!

Damn it!

Come on, Mel, pick up.

Okay, it's just like two or.
It's like six miles.

You got it from here?

Really?

Oh, my god!
What are you doing?!

- No, I was looking for a towel.
- Get out! Get out!

- Don't mace me, no!
- Sam, I'm not your whore.

Who do you think I am?
Get out!

- You threw up on me in the car...
- I thought you were a gentlemen.

- I am a gentleman.
- Get out!

- I know Tai Chi!
- No, no.

Get out!
Break your.

No, that's not.
That is not your bear.

- Nicky, come on.
- I'm calling the police.

Mel.

Hey, Dick.

- Happy birthday by the way.
- Dick, who is it?

It's Mel's friend Sam
in a giant plastic diaper.

Could I borrow $80?
It's for the cab. I was.

I left my wallet in my.
In my other diaper.

Sam.

Hello, Angela. How are you?
Good to see. Nope. Okay.

Sam?

Hey, everybody's up.

Are you okay?
Where are your clothes?

Long story.
I had to share a cab.

Don't tell me with that girl
who was flirting with you.

The was with a guy.

- Mick.
- Mick?

Mick.
He's a security guard

at my place of business.
And he was absolutely hammered.

- I would not let him drive.
- So I guess i'll pay the cab.

Thank you, Dick.

Anyways, Mick,
he threw up on me in the cab.

I know, yuck.

So I had to go to his place,
take a shower.

And, what,
he had nothing for you to wear?

Nothing my size.
He's a dwarf.

Your security guard's a dwarf?

I would not mess with him though,
he's vicious.

A vicious dwarf vomited on Sam, Dick.

Yeah, right.

Would anyone mind if I made
a quick jaunt to the restroom?

Sure. Yeah,
the powder room is to the right.

Okie-dokey.

- Not again.
- Sorry.

No, Sam, it's not your fault.

- The power goes out all the time.
- Hasn't been the same since the flood.

I some experience
with electricity stuff.

- I got it.
- Okay.

Sam!

I thought it was the powder room.
I thought it was the powder room.

- I thought it was the powder room.
- You urinated on my goose.

- We can wash it off.
- You urinated on my goose!

- It's a five-second rule.
- You're spilling!

Sam, Sam.
Sam, my goose.

- I'm so sorry, Angela.
- Angela.

Something's wrong with that trip switch.

Dick, be careful.
Sam's urine.

Dad!

Dick?

Hey, baby.

I came up with a plan.

So today, first of all, I'm gonna
be on my best behavior. I'm gonna be

pulling out chairs
for your mom, opening doors.

And then tonight at dinner,
we'll tell them.

- Think you'll be on time for dinner?
- And I deserve that. Mel,

- I've apologized a lot.
- I know.

And I just. I'm very

sensitive right now.
So I just need to know that you're okay.

Look, I've lived here my whole life,
and I still get lost in this house.

I'm always peeing in places
that aren't bathrooms.

- Once I pooped in the laundry room.
- I'm gonna punch you in the face.

I was joking about
the punching in the face.

- Well, that's very funny.
- In context, if you would have seen.

Explain to me the

context in which punching my daughter
in the face is funny.

Dad, how are you?

He has a concussion.

The hospital wanted to keep him another
night, but your father is so stubborn.

Darling, I'm fine.

And I haven't missed the annual bar
council luncheon in 30 years,

and I'm not missing this one.

I'm just gonna rinse the urine outta
my hair and I'll be off.

That makes me nervous,
him out and about after such a big fall.

He is a stubborn old coot.

That reminds me.
Come.

Well.
Okay, you too, Sam.

Good god.

It's his birthday present.

Do you love it?

It's by the same man who does
all the portraits of the presidents.

He's been working on it for over a year.

And he said it's his masterpiece.

- Dad looks very stern.
- Yeah, I know.

Which he can be.

But you see that
little gleam in his eye?

Your father's playful too.

And that's what a good portrait does.
It gives the whole

sense of a person.

When you move, his eyes go with you.

It's creep.
It's a beautiful picture of him.

- Nice and easy, judge clayton.
- I just was dizzy.

If I could just lie down for a second,
I think I'll be fine.

- Take him in the back.
- Thank you.

Yes.
This will be fine.

Yes, thank you.

Hello?

Mel? Angela?
Er, Mrs. Clayton?

The phone is ringing quite a bit.

Hello, Clayton residence.

Hello, this is hewitt's,
the undertakers.

Is Mrs. Clayton in?
She is not.

Maybe I can.
What can I do you for?

We've got judge Clayton down here.

I'm afraid he collapsed in the street.

I don't know. No, he's fine.
I just saw him a half hour ago.

Yes, well,

- we put him in the back room.
- My god.

Hopefully, you can get
down here as soon as possible.

And I guess he was too lazy.

Sam.

- Is everything all right?
- That was hewitt's on the phone.

The undertaker?

They've got Dick.

He collapsed in the street.

I don't understand.

Dick's dead.

Thank you, Martin.
I'm feeling much better.

Hate to rush,
but I don't want to Miss my train.

Judge Clayton,
someone's coming to get you.

I'm so sorry, Mel.

We never even got to
tell him about the baby.

I know.

If it's a boy, I wanna name him Dick.

Okay.

Yeah, that's definitely something
we can. We can talk about.

I was thinking maybe we
should tell her about the baby.

- That be some good news, right?
- Stupid Sam and his

stupid urine all over the floor!

You killed him!
You killed Dick!

- Or maybe we'll wait.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go to the undertakers. I'm
gonna take care of all the paperwork.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Have you ever identified a body before?
It can be pretty unsettling.

No, I think I'm just
supposed to sign something.

Body has to be ID.
Are you squeamish around dead bodies?

Well, here's a secret.
I am too.

"So why'd you take this job?"
You ask.

- I didn't ask.
- I don't know.

I was just hanging out with
my cousin who's studying to be a chef.

Now that seems like a fun job, right?
All those good smells in the kitchen.

Delicious.

So is this him?

Yep.
Nope.

Really?

All right, well, guess we'll have
to look at this one too.

It's gotta bthis one here, hold on.

God!

Sometimes you see things like that.
I'm really sorry.

That's not him either. Come on, man.

I'm gonna have to answer
that phone real quick.

I'll be right back, okay?
I think that might be him.

Hey, man, so is that him?

Yeah, these are.
These are his glasses.

He loved these little birds.

He knew every one by
the sound of its voice.

Such a sweet, sweet man.

It's done.
Here's his.

I told them you'd call later with all
the funeral arrangements and everything.

Your brother. It's nearly midnight
in Nairobi. We need to call him.

I can't bear another conversation.
You call David.

God. No, mom.
I don't think I can.

- Sam, would you?
- What?

Really, that's not a good idea

because he does not know me and I don't
know him. It would be very weird.

But yes.

Of course.

David.

David Clayton.

Hi, this is Sam briggs.

I am your sister Mel's boyfriend.

Mel.
Melanie.

Hi, I look forward to meeting you too.

What?
This is a really bad connection. So

you know what,
actually before we start chatting

I have some very bad news
about your father.

Your father, yeah.
Well...

He's passed on.

He's passed away.

No, he's dead.

No, no, no, he's dead!

He's dead!

Your dad is dead!
He died!

He's dead!

Sam!
What are you doing?

He's on his cell phone.
It's really bad coverage.

Will you go to town
and get my mom some more Valium?

The pharmacy closes in,
like, 15 minutes.

David, can you hear me?
It's Mel.

Are you OK.
Dick?

Dick?!
You're alive!

You're al...
You're alive!

Angela.

Angela, I got Dick.

- Look what I found.
- Sam.

- It's Dick. He's here.
- Take him back.

What?

Take my husband's body
back to the undertaker.

- No, you don't understand.
- Take him back, you sick, sick.

What's going on?

Mel!

They're fine.

They actually kind of laughed about it.
It was a quiet laughter.

You Kinda had to stand
like this to hear it.

Come on.

Not come on. I'm actually starting to
wonder if something's wrong with me.

Seriously, what happens
to me when I get around these people?

You're nervous.

But the only thing that
matters is that I love you.

And we're having a baby,
and the three of us,

we're gonna live happily ever after.

You know what, you're right.
I'm good. I'm a good guy.

There we go.

And if that's not good enough
for your dad, then too bad.

Yeah.
I'm a little turned on right now.

Know what, i'm not even the one
that should feel bad about this he is.

Absolutely. Wait, for slipping on your
pee or getting hit by your car?

For making me feel uncomfortable.
Come on,

- we're gonna tell them about the baby.
- Let's hold on a second.

I will tell them right now,
but wouldn't it be nice

if you could do something, like,
maybe something little that would

erase what happened today
from their minds?

Yes, that's a great idea.

Cleanse the palate.
Let's do it. What?

Thank you.

This is great.

- I've got it, Dick.
- It's not I said I've got it, Dick.

Okay, Jeez.

Whatever. What am I gonna do,
make the power go more out?

What? Yes! What'd I do?
Yes! Yes!

What?!
What?!

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Please no.
Please no. Please no.

Lights are on, honey.
You're my hero.