Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 1 - Wolves of Rancho - full transcript
The guys ditch their lazy days at the office for a high octane work environment.
Ders, I am the better beatboxer.
Blake, your beatbox is a weak-box.
Oh, Blake,
you gonna let
him talk to you like that?
You better battle back.
- Yeah.
- Now?
- Yep.
- No, no. Not now.
I mean, I have to, like, warm up.
- Okay? See?
- I would need hot tea.
- Oh.
- It's just a whole process.
- Beatbox, Blake!
- Let's go.
Okay, just let me put the record on.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ders, is it too hot to handle?
Hit us with it.
All right, here we go, here we go.
Okay.
Well, I'm about to turn in, kids.
What are you gonna do?
We're gonna party, Daddy!
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-party.
P-party, Daddy.
Party, Daddy.
Whoo! Whoo!
It's too hot in here.
Blake, hit 'em with it!
Okay.
Oh, oh, that was goddamn loony tunes.
Adam, we're not that good.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
It's a real gummy meat.
I don't like it when the meat
stops being chewy, right?
Because then you get a longer meal.
Because you're chewing.
You don't just swallow.
- Right.
- Yeah.
You get more bite for your buck.
It's almost like eating
a wet paper towel in a way.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
All I know, fellas, is...
♪ I love Yoshinoya bowls ♪
Yeah, I mean they're good.
- Great song.
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks, man.
I want to pitch it to the--
- What's up, brothers?
- Mm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's Cushing.
Cushing Ward.
We used to work here together.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh. What's up, dude?
- Wow.
I mean, I didn't recognize you.
You've lost a lot of weight,
and your--
Your skin looks fantastic.
It's so shiny.
- You used to look horrible.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, I lost, like, 70 pounds,
started using essential oils,
2-4-7, 3-6-5.
- Sure.
- That's cool.
I can relate because I recently
lost four pounds
and started using a loofah
with Old Spice Swagger.
So we're like the same dude.
Yeah, totally. Totally, man.
So what's the deal?
I'm getting, like, a real
"Ballers" vibe from you, man.
You working with athletes?
Is that what that is?
No, I'm still doing
telemarketing for TAC.
Work at the Van Nuys branch.
Just dropped something off for Alice.
What?
You--you're a telemarketer
and you drive a Porsche?
No, you a coke dealer.
That's how you got so skinny, huh?
No, no, no, no, no,
still working at Van Nuys.
Just a whole different world
over there.
Huh.
Guy that runs the place, JP,
is just a real leader.
If it wasn't for him,
I'd probably still be living
with a bunch of dudes,
smoking weed all day,
eating Yoshinoya,
driving my old shitty car,
not this car.
Yeah, I'm with you, man.
I drive that Range Rover.
That's mine.
That's what I drive.
- I own that car.
- Yep.
- So...
- It's backing away, your car.
Ah, okay, so...
that lady's probably
taking it for a wash, you know?
- I'll see you around?
- Yeah.
Be sure and wax it.
Hi, Alice.
Question...
Do you have any idea
how much time we waste here
doing dumb-ass beatbox competitions?
She probably doesn't.
Do you even know how many naps
we've taken today?
I'll tell you, Alice.
Three.
And as far as I'm concerned,
that's one too many.
Yeah.
Okay, I don't know
what this is about,
but I do not have time, okay?
I have a very big presentation
coming up now.
And there it is right there--
everything that's wrong with you
as a so-called "leader."
- Yeah.
- See that? It was in quotes.
Yeah, and that is why we're
so-called "losers,"
because you don't lead us good, okay?
I'm an idiot 'cause you're a bozo.
- Deep down, I'm a great man.
- Yeah.
And a true pimp playboy for real.
But you're don't inspire
that out of us.
In fact, you're always yelling at us,
acting like a total bitch.
Excuse me?
I was, um...
"Acting," he said.
- "Acting like a bitch."
- I did say "acting."
- Yeah.
- We're not calling you a bitch.
We're saying that things
you do are that of a bitch.
Right, you have bitch-ish ways
about you.
- Bitch-ishness.
- Yeah, bitchy, bitchy.
- Yeah, just a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Act. Acting.
- Okay, that is it.
Everybody out now.
That's kind of what
we're talking about.
Unless you want to be fired.
No, but how about a transfer
to TAC-Van Nuys?
Yeah, because the boss there
is a true leader, unlike you.
And he's gonna inspire us
to be great men
and true playboy pimps for real.
Okay, so I no longer
have to waste valuable time
on stupid shit like this?
- That's right.
- Consider it done.
- You'll start there tomorrow.
- Okay.
Well, now that we're not
working together,
I was hoping that me and you could--
Hello?
Are you sure this is it?
Hello?
Sell me.
Uh, okay, sell you what?
Sell me on each other.
Sell me on why you deserve
to work here.
Well, hi.
You're here with a guy name
Blake Henderson.
This guy's good.
He could--he could sell sand
to Sandra Bullock,
who probably doesn't need sand.
She's probably got a beach house
in Malibu, right?
And if you don't hire him,
you're gonna regret it
for your whole life,
and you'll probably end up
dying of regret cancer,
which is a real thing--
my aunt died from it.
She regretted smoking her whole life.
Yeah, yeah.
My good friend,
Adam "The Money Boy" DeMamp,
is a sales shark.
He's a hammerhead.
Oh, no, more like a phone-head
shark, because this dude--
it's basically like he has
a phone attached to his head,
and he's circling those sales.
But actually,
I want to move the spotlight
over to my dude Anders Holmvik, okay?
And I want to move
the spotlight back to me
because I didn't like that last one.
So let's just do
a couple more about me.
Okay, yeah,
and I'll get back to you--
Stop.
I've made my decision.
And, boys, I'm buying
what you're selling.
All right.
Yeah.
Right on.
You’ve got one week to prove
that you belong here permanently.
Congrats, boys.
Welcome to TAC-Van Nuys,
or as JP here likes to call it...
The motherfucking Dough Jo.
Dough Jo.
Dough Jo. Dough Jo.
Now, who her wants
a Carl's Jr. sausage, egg,
and cheese biscuit coupon?
- That's mine!
- I caught one.
Oh, wow.
Gorgeous photos.
Herb Ritts shoot these?
No, my boy Juan Carlos took these.
Crazy talented.
Shot Brooke Burke for the cover
of "Stuff" magazine.
- Wow.
- I love "Stuff" magazine.
Hey, whoa.
You can't go in there.
That leads to JP's office.
It's off-limits, except for VIPs.
- VIPs.
- VIPs.
And these are gonna be your offices.
Wait.
We get our own offices?
TAC-Van Nuys, baby.
Just call down to Shannon,
the office manager.
Let her know what decor you prefer,
and she'll make it happen.
I love decor.
- Yeah!
- All right. Look, my name.
You'll also find new suits
as well as the hair gel
and essential oils
that JP recommends.
Get changed.
JP's blasting off a speech in ten.
- Be there!
- Okay!
So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take this week.
We're gonna butt-fuck it
until it dumps Monday!
Fuck, yes!
- Yes!
- Fuck, yes!
- Yes! Whoo!
- Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yeah.
If some old man says to you, "No,"
because he's broke
because he spent his money
on expensive heart medication,
what does that mean?
Yes.
Because no means...
Yes.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
Go, go, go!
Yeah!
Sell these fucking things!
Listen up.
You crushed it.
200 sales.
- Yes!
- Okay!
- Whoo!
- Yeah, that's right, man.
Van Nuys!
So here's the big surprise.
I want 200 more sales
by 8:00 tonight.
What? Is he serious, dude?
I'm, like, exhausted.
Now he wants us to work late?
If you want to go home
and you want to rip farts
and watch "The Dome,"
the door is right there.
But if you want to be a phone beast
and you want to be rewarded--
that's right, rewarded.
We're gonna have Botox shots
flying around the office,
as well as sushi strippers
for all you boys and girls.
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- Okay. All right.
It's like "Showdown in Little Tokyo."
- Yes. Yes!
- Yeah. Heck, yeah.
If you guys get to 200 sales,
400 total for tonight,
you get to wease the juice
with the Wease-Man himself.
Oh! Oh, Pauly Shore!
Oh, Pauly Shore!
Encino-- Oh, my God, man.
Hello, TAC.
Van Nuys guys.
Who's ready to motherfucking party?
Me. I am, Pauly.
Me and Pauly are old friends,
and, uh, he lost a bet.
This makes us even, JP.
- You son of a bitch.
- Yeah.
Well, if you guys
start working the phones
and you start making
those sales, guess what.
I'll get you on TMZ tonight.
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Sell, sell, sell.
- 200 more!
- Let's go.
I wish I would have had
some beers in here
or maybe some sake bombs or something
or some of that sushi, man,
or one of those hot
little stripper bitches.
Of course they're great for kids.
How many do you want? Ten?
They're yours.
I mean, the real question is,
do you care about the happiness
of your children?
And that's a yes!
Whoo! Sold, baby!
And just so you know, with
the purchase of this product,
you do have a three-year warranty.
Excellent.
You have a nice day too.
Hyuh!
Yah.
Kyo-tasha!
Bam, yeah!
I love it! Whoo!
We be selling.
I want you to be Sales Team Six!
I want you to be samurai
telemarketing fucking warriors!
I don't care
if your fucking mom dies today!
Okay. Ow, that was loud.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear.
Sold! Ahhh!
I made a sale, girl.
You got three kids.
I say you buy three.
Great.
All right, take care.
We got a sale!
Sir, I'm afraid that's
the best offer I can get you.
You know what?
I'm gonna put you on hold
and let you think about that.
Wait, wait.
Ho, ho.
Ah, yep.
How are you?
I don't want to let go, but I have to
'cause I'm addicted to sales
right now.
You got ten minutes
till judgment day.
Come on, let's move it.
No.
Actually, hold on.
Yeah.
God damn.
Hang up the phones.
Hang 'em up.
Feel good?
- Yeah.
- Are you sore?
'Cause you should be sore.
Because today just butt-fuck
you up the ass!
Butt-fuck!
You're 27 units short
of expectations.
- You kidding me?
- Not good enough!
That means that nobody gets
to wease the juice with Pauly!
Wha--Well, can we
at least talk to him?
No!
Whoa, whoa. JP! JP!
Well, you heard him.
It's over.
- Go home.
- Don't leave me in here!
I'm gonna die!
Ding dong, the Weasel's fucking dead.
That means we might never
get to party with Pauly Shore
and probably join his crew.
Yeah, well, you know,
you heard what JP said.
He said no.
And you know what that means, right?
Halt!
What size are those crystal clappers?
You're pretty good at that.
Okay, stripper pole is secure.
All right, hang in there, buddy.
We're gonna get you out
real soon, okay?
Pauly, I'm gonna spin off this bar,
smash into the cage with my heels,
and free your ass.
- All right.
- You ready? Cool.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Whoo! Aaah!
Oh, are you okay, Pauly?
Watch out, Adam!
- Pauly, are you all right?
- Pauly, are you all right?
That was amazing.
Whoo!
- What the hell? Who did this?
- Yeah, who did this?
Shut up, Cushing.
I just asked that question.
Um, we did.
And why would you ever think
that this would be okay?
Because...
no means yes?
No?
That right there is
why I fucking love you guys!
- You got guts.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
You get to party with Pauly Shore.
That's cool.
What's he--
Oh, wow.
Enjoy your night, and tomorrow
come see me in my office.
- Bye, Pauly.
- Bye, JP.
This took balls, heaps of them.
Heaps of balls. Ah!
- See you tomorrow, VIPs.
- Yeah!
♪ I love my life ♪
- To Pauly.
- To Pauly.
To Pauly.
Ah, breakfast booze, my favorite.
- So your whole office is a sauna?
- That's right.
Nothing better than sitting in a spa
for seven, eight hours a day--
good for the skin.
And, uh, the strippers
have been here all night?
Absolutely.
Oxygenates their vaginas.
- They love it.
- Sure.
Hey.
Hey, how are you?
Ah, it's nice in here.
I've been watching
you very closely this week.
I've wanted you to stare at me.
And I am very impressed
with what I see,
and we were wondering
if you would like to join us
full-time at TAC-Van Nuys.
- Yes.
- Yes, we would.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes. This is cool.
- Oh! Up top! Oh, man. Awesome.
- Great work.
There are a couple
of, uh, minor details
that we would like
to discuss with you...
- Sure. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alone.
And the girls have to leave
because of this matter?
Yes.
Disappear like your fathers.
- Look at her butt.
- Cool. That's awesome.
- Butts rule.
- They do. They rock.
Honestly, JP,
you are such a great leader,
I would run
through a brick wall for you,
which I've actually done before
in my parent's basement.
Okay, shh.
Just listen.
Cushing, shut the fuck up,
and you just listen!
You just listen!
You just listen, Cushing.
I'm sure you may have heard
that we are taking over
the San Bernardino
and Diamond Bar branches from TAC.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I've read about that.
- I heard about it.
- Yeah.
What does that mean, business-wise?
It means that that staff is...
Axed, and corporate
sends us their business.
Laugh, laugh.
Biz-nass.
And that's fun because, like,
they don't have jobs anymore, right?
My next target is Rancho,
and I cannot wait to see
the look on my ex-wife's face
when I take her down.
You were married to Alice?
Worst nine weeks of my entire life.
I mean, we were sport-fucking
for a while there
because that bitch
likes to ride the ride.
- Yep.
- I always thought that.
What I need is for you
to go back there
and steal me
the presentation from Alice
before the big meeting today.
She's a pretty good writer
for a chick.
If she bombs it and I look great,
takeover inevitable.
- Uh, yeah, we're your guys.
- Yeah, we can do that.
Good. Excellent.
Because if you do not do that,
you are fired.
- Yeah.
- Duh.
I think my stripper fainted.
Oh, no, no, no, no, not again.
You've never had anyone
die here before, right?
No.
- No means yes. No means yes.
- No means yes.
Got it.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What the hell is that?
I think that's us.
Wow. That is really, really horrible.
Yeah.
Well, Waymond
painted that for you guys.
He hasn't been the same
since you left.
- Hasn't spoken a word.
- He's tuckered out.
I mean, I don't know
how he finds time to take a nap.
What's going on here?
- That's weird.
- The good old days.
You really like it better over there?
I mean, it's different, you know?
It's intense, you know, like, agh.
But there's Botox to take care
of the stress wrinkles and sushi.
And it doesn't taste like Yoshinoya.
Well, we'd love
to have you back here,
get the Wicky Wild Boys Crew
back together.
Wicky, wicky wild.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Okay, I know we were never
in a group with Bill
called the Wicky Wild Boys, but
maybe we should put this back.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, we do this,
those guys get canned.
Right.
Well, well, well...
did you boys get fired already?
That happened faster than I thought.
No, it didn't, 'cause we're not.
Yeah, in fact,
we have a new leader now
who's teaching us
how to be great men.
In fact, we're amazing men now,
and we're true playboy pimps
for real.
Well, it's been amazing
not having you here.
In fact, I never realized
how much you weighed us down.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a meeting to rock.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're doing it,
'cause she can't talk to us
like that.
You know, she's lucky that she
was married to JP, you know?
How do you let a piece like that go?
He's a hot piece of ass, right?
And you know he's hogged out.
You saw the outline
through the towel.
- Oh, I saw it.
- Dude, he is fully hogging.
JP, why don't you kick things off?
One second, Mel.
Okay, do we have the flash drive?
Yeah, we have the flash drive.
Give her hell.
Or, give them-- give the whole...
- Okay.
- Whoo!
JP! Yeah! Van Nuys!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Van Nuys in the house.
All right.
So what we have here is...
Whoa.
Oh, I don't know what this is about.
Jokes.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
Oh!
No. Ah, shit.
Shit, fuck. Fuck.
Did you do this?
No, we didn't.
You did this.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Fine!
I put up numbers.
I am Sales Team Six!
I dare you, fire me.
Fire me!
You're fired.
Cushing will take over Van Nuys.
This is unacceptable on every level.
I thought it was good.
Good presentation.
Thanks, everyone.
Great stuff from almost all of you.
Alice, spectacular presentation,
as usual.
Thank you so much, Mel,
and I'll see you next quarter.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, you boys sneaking out?
- Huh?
- Hmm?
I just wanted to take a second
and thank you
for helping me out in there.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you thought it
was just a coincidence
that you ran into Cushing
and he convinced you into a transfer.
Uh-huh.
You knew that JP was gonna
ask us to take your flash drive?
Cushing, my new boyfriend,
gave me the inside scoop a week ago,
and I took it from there.
- Oh!
- That's good.
- You're banging Cushing too?
- Oh, my gosh.
Man, I bet he's hogging out as well.
Yeah, you are roping
in some good ones, huh?
Is it huge?
Like, what does it look--
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Who's bigger?
That was an awesome leadership move.
Honestly, we were wrong about you.
You don't always act like a bitch.
Hey, I do not act like a bitch.
I am a bitch.
A bad, bad bitch, you bitch.
Pretty cool we got our jobs back,
and we finally got time
to smoke some weed on the clock.
Well, the bitch knows
we're here to help, right?
What?
She calls herself a bitch.
- She did.
- So I can say that.
Whoa, whoa. You hear that?
I think we got another beatboxer
in the office.
Ders, go in there
and then rap over his flow,
and I'll FaceTime Pauly.
- Yeah, I'll do that, yeah.
- You got his number!
Yes, I did.
- Whoa.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, uh...
We weren't, uh...
No, no, uh, we just thought
we heard somebody eat-boxing.
Eat-boxing...
Nice.
Blake, your beatbox is a weak-box.
Oh, Blake,
you gonna let
him talk to you like that?
You better battle back.
- Yeah.
- Now?
- Yep.
- No, no. Not now.
I mean, I have to, like, warm up.
- Okay? See?
- I would need hot tea.
- Oh.
- It's just a whole process.
- Beatbox, Blake!
- Let's go.
Okay, just let me put the record on.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ders, is it too hot to handle?
Hit us with it.
All right, here we go, here we go.
Okay.
Well, I'm about to turn in, kids.
What are you gonna do?
We're gonna party, Daddy!
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-party.
P-party, Daddy.
Party, Daddy.
Whoo! Whoo!
It's too hot in here.
Blake, hit 'em with it!
Okay.
Oh, oh, that was goddamn loony tunes.
Adam, we're not that good.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
It's a real gummy meat.
I don't like it when the meat
stops being chewy, right?
Because then you get a longer meal.
Because you're chewing.
You don't just swallow.
- Right.
- Yeah.
You get more bite for your buck.
It's almost like eating
a wet paper towel in a way.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
All I know, fellas, is...
♪ I love Yoshinoya bowls ♪
Yeah, I mean they're good.
- Great song.
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks, man.
I want to pitch it to the--
- What's up, brothers?
- Mm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's Cushing.
Cushing Ward.
We used to work here together.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh. What's up, dude?
- Wow.
I mean, I didn't recognize you.
You've lost a lot of weight,
and your--
Your skin looks fantastic.
It's so shiny.
- You used to look horrible.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, I lost, like, 70 pounds,
started using essential oils,
2-4-7, 3-6-5.
- Sure.
- That's cool.
I can relate because I recently
lost four pounds
and started using a loofah
with Old Spice Swagger.
So we're like the same dude.
Yeah, totally. Totally, man.
So what's the deal?
I'm getting, like, a real
"Ballers" vibe from you, man.
You working with athletes?
Is that what that is?
No, I'm still doing
telemarketing for TAC.
Work at the Van Nuys branch.
Just dropped something off for Alice.
What?
You--you're a telemarketer
and you drive a Porsche?
No, you a coke dealer.
That's how you got so skinny, huh?
No, no, no, no, no,
still working at Van Nuys.
Just a whole different world
over there.
Huh.
Guy that runs the place, JP,
is just a real leader.
If it wasn't for him,
I'd probably still be living
with a bunch of dudes,
smoking weed all day,
eating Yoshinoya,
driving my old shitty car,
not this car.
Yeah, I'm with you, man.
I drive that Range Rover.
That's mine.
That's what I drive.
- I own that car.
- Yep.
- So...
- It's backing away, your car.
Ah, okay, so...
that lady's probably
taking it for a wash, you know?
- I'll see you around?
- Yeah.
Be sure and wax it.
Hi, Alice.
Question...
Do you have any idea
how much time we waste here
doing dumb-ass beatbox competitions?
She probably doesn't.
Do you even know how many naps
we've taken today?
I'll tell you, Alice.
Three.
And as far as I'm concerned,
that's one too many.
Yeah.
Okay, I don't know
what this is about,
but I do not have time, okay?
I have a very big presentation
coming up now.
And there it is right there--
everything that's wrong with you
as a so-called "leader."
- Yeah.
- See that? It was in quotes.
Yeah, and that is why we're
so-called "losers,"
because you don't lead us good, okay?
I'm an idiot 'cause you're a bozo.
- Deep down, I'm a great man.
- Yeah.
And a true pimp playboy for real.
But you're don't inspire
that out of us.
In fact, you're always yelling at us,
acting like a total bitch.
Excuse me?
I was, um...
"Acting," he said.
- "Acting like a bitch."
- I did say "acting."
- Yeah.
- We're not calling you a bitch.
We're saying that things
you do are that of a bitch.
Right, you have bitch-ish ways
about you.
- Bitch-ishness.
- Yeah, bitchy, bitchy.
- Yeah, just a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Act. Acting.
- Okay, that is it.
Everybody out now.
That's kind of what
we're talking about.
Unless you want to be fired.
No, but how about a transfer
to TAC-Van Nuys?
Yeah, because the boss there
is a true leader, unlike you.
And he's gonna inspire us
to be great men
and true playboy pimps for real.
Okay, so I no longer
have to waste valuable time
on stupid shit like this?
- That's right.
- Consider it done.
- You'll start there tomorrow.
- Okay.
Well, now that we're not
working together,
I was hoping that me and you could--
Hello?
Are you sure this is it?
Hello?
Sell me.
Uh, okay, sell you what?
Sell me on each other.
Sell me on why you deserve
to work here.
Well, hi.
You're here with a guy name
Blake Henderson.
This guy's good.
He could--he could sell sand
to Sandra Bullock,
who probably doesn't need sand.
She's probably got a beach house
in Malibu, right?
And if you don't hire him,
you're gonna regret it
for your whole life,
and you'll probably end up
dying of regret cancer,
which is a real thing--
my aunt died from it.
She regretted smoking her whole life.
Yeah, yeah.
My good friend,
Adam "The Money Boy" DeMamp,
is a sales shark.
He's a hammerhead.
Oh, no, more like a phone-head
shark, because this dude--
it's basically like he has
a phone attached to his head,
and he's circling those sales.
But actually,
I want to move the spotlight
over to my dude Anders Holmvik, okay?
And I want to move
the spotlight back to me
because I didn't like that last one.
So let's just do
a couple more about me.
Okay, yeah,
and I'll get back to you--
Stop.
I've made my decision.
And, boys, I'm buying
what you're selling.
All right.
Yeah.
Right on.
You’ve got one week to prove
that you belong here permanently.
Congrats, boys.
Welcome to TAC-Van Nuys,
or as JP here likes to call it...
The motherfucking Dough Jo.
Dough Jo.
Dough Jo. Dough Jo.
Now, who her wants
a Carl's Jr. sausage, egg,
and cheese biscuit coupon?
- That's mine!
- I caught one.
Oh, wow.
Gorgeous photos.
Herb Ritts shoot these?
No, my boy Juan Carlos took these.
Crazy talented.
Shot Brooke Burke for the cover
of "Stuff" magazine.
- Wow.
- I love "Stuff" magazine.
Hey, whoa.
You can't go in there.
That leads to JP's office.
It's off-limits, except for VIPs.
- VIPs.
- VIPs.
And these are gonna be your offices.
Wait.
We get our own offices?
TAC-Van Nuys, baby.
Just call down to Shannon,
the office manager.
Let her know what decor you prefer,
and she'll make it happen.
I love decor.
- Yeah!
- All right. Look, my name.
You'll also find new suits
as well as the hair gel
and essential oils
that JP recommends.
Get changed.
JP's blasting off a speech in ten.
- Be there!
- Okay!
So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take this week.
We're gonna butt-fuck it
until it dumps Monday!
Fuck, yes!
- Yes!
- Fuck, yes!
- Yes! Whoo!
- Fuck, yes.
Fuck, yeah.
If some old man says to you, "No,"
because he's broke
because he spent his money
on expensive heart medication,
what does that mean?
Yes.
Because no means...
Yes.
I don't know what you're waiting for.
Go, go, go!
Yeah!
Sell these fucking things!
Listen up.
You crushed it.
200 sales.
- Yes!
- Okay!
- Whoo!
- Yeah, that's right, man.
Van Nuys!
So here's the big surprise.
I want 200 more sales
by 8:00 tonight.
What? Is he serious, dude?
I'm, like, exhausted.
Now he wants us to work late?
If you want to go home
and you want to rip farts
and watch "The Dome,"
the door is right there.
But if you want to be a phone beast
and you want to be rewarded--
that's right, rewarded.
We're gonna have Botox shots
flying around the office,
as well as sushi strippers
for all you boys and girls.
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- Okay. All right.
It's like "Showdown in Little Tokyo."
- Yes. Yes!
- Yeah. Heck, yeah.
If you guys get to 200 sales,
400 total for tonight,
you get to wease the juice
with the Wease-Man himself.
Oh! Oh, Pauly Shore!
Oh, Pauly Shore!
Encino-- Oh, my God, man.
Hello, TAC.
Van Nuys guys.
Who's ready to motherfucking party?
Me. I am, Pauly.
Me and Pauly are old friends,
and, uh, he lost a bet.
This makes us even, JP.
- You son of a bitch.
- Yeah.
Well, if you guys
start working the phones
and you start making
those sales, guess what.
I'll get you on TMZ tonight.
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Sell, sell, sell.
- 200 more!
- Let's go.
I wish I would have had
some beers in here
or maybe some sake bombs or something
or some of that sushi, man,
or one of those hot
little stripper bitches.
Of course they're great for kids.
How many do you want? Ten?
They're yours.
I mean, the real question is,
do you care about the happiness
of your children?
And that's a yes!
Whoo! Sold, baby!
And just so you know, with
the purchase of this product,
you do have a three-year warranty.
Excellent.
You have a nice day too.
Hyuh!
Yah.
Kyo-tasha!
Bam, yeah!
I love it! Whoo!
We be selling.
I want you to be Sales Team Six!
I want you to be samurai
telemarketing fucking warriors!
I don't care
if your fucking mom dies today!
Okay. Ow, that was loud.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear.
Sold! Ahhh!
I made a sale, girl.
You got three kids.
I say you buy three.
Great.
All right, take care.
We got a sale!
Sir, I'm afraid that's
the best offer I can get you.
You know what?
I'm gonna put you on hold
and let you think about that.
Wait, wait.
Ho, ho.
Ah, yep.
How are you?
I don't want to let go, but I have to
'cause I'm addicted to sales
right now.
You got ten minutes
till judgment day.
Come on, let's move it.
No.
Actually, hold on.
Yeah.
God damn.
Hang up the phones.
Hang 'em up.
Feel good?
- Yeah.
- Are you sore?
'Cause you should be sore.
Because today just butt-fuck
you up the ass!
Butt-fuck!
You're 27 units short
of expectations.
- You kidding me?
- Not good enough!
That means that nobody gets
to wease the juice with Pauly!
Wha--Well, can we
at least talk to him?
No!
Whoa, whoa. JP! JP!
Well, you heard him.
It's over.
- Go home.
- Don't leave me in here!
I'm gonna die!
Ding dong, the Weasel's fucking dead.
That means we might never
get to party with Pauly Shore
and probably join his crew.
Yeah, well, you know,
you heard what JP said.
He said no.
And you know what that means, right?
Halt!
What size are those crystal clappers?
You're pretty good at that.
Okay, stripper pole is secure.
All right, hang in there, buddy.
We're gonna get you out
real soon, okay?
Pauly, I'm gonna spin off this bar,
smash into the cage with my heels,
and free your ass.
- All right.
- You ready? Cool.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Whoo! Aaah!
Oh, are you okay, Pauly?
Watch out, Adam!
- Pauly, are you all right?
- Pauly, are you all right?
That was amazing.
Whoo!
- What the hell? Who did this?
- Yeah, who did this?
Shut up, Cushing.
I just asked that question.
Um, we did.
And why would you ever think
that this would be okay?
Because...
no means yes?
No?
That right there is
why I fucking love you guys!
- You got guts.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
You get to party with Pauly Shore.
That's cool.
What's he--
Oh, wow.
Enjoy your night, and tomorrow
come see me in my office.
- Bye, Pauly.
- Bye, JP.
This took balls, heaps of them.
Heaps of balls. Ah!
- See you tomorrow, VIPs.
- Yeah!
♪ I love my life ♪
- To Pauly.
- To Pauly.
To Pauly.
Ah, breakfast booze, my favorite.
- So your whole office is a sauna?
- That's right.
Nothing better than sitting in a spa
for seven, eight hours a day--
good for the skin.
And, uh, the strippers
have been here all night?
Absolutely.
Oxygenates their vaginas.
- They love it.
- Sure.
Hey.
Hey, how are you?
Ah, it's nice in here.
I've been watching
you very closely this week.
I've wanted you to stare at me.
And I am very impressed
with what I see,
and we were wondering
if you would like to join us
full-time at TAC-Van Nuys.
- Yes.
- Yes, we would.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes. This is cool.
- Oh! Up top! Oh, man. Awesome.
- Great work.
There are a couple
of, uh, minor details
that we would like
to discuss with you...
- Sure. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Alone.
And the girls have to leave
because of this matter?
Yes.
Disappear like your fathers.
- Look at her butt.
- Cool. That's awesome.
- Butts rule.
- They do. They rock.
Honestly, JP,
you are such a great leader,
I would run
through a brick wall for you,
which I've actually done before
in my parent's basement.
Okay, shh.
Just listen.
Cushing, shut the fuck up,
and you just listen!
You just listen!
You just listen, Cushing.
I'm sure you may have heard
that we are taking over
the San Bernardino
and Diamond Bar branches from TAC.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I've read about that.
- I heard about it.
- Yeah.
What does that mean, business-wise?
It means that that staff is...
Axed, and corporate
sends us their business.
Laugh, laugh.
Biz-nass.
And that's fun because, like,
they don't have jobs anymore, right?
My next target is Rancho,
and I cannot wait to see
the look on my ex-wife's face
when I take her down.
You were married to Alice?
Worst nine weeks of my entire life.
I mean, we were sport-fucking
for a while there
because that bitch
likes to ride the ride.
- Yep.
- I always thought that.
What I need is for you
to go back there
and steal me
the presentation from Alice
before the big meeting today.
She's a pretty good writer
for a chick.
If she bombs it and I look great,
takeover inevitable.
- Uh, yeah, we're your guys.
- Yeah, we can do that.
Good. Excellent.
Because if you do not do that,
you are fired.
- Yeah.
- Duh.
I think my stripper fainted.
Oh, no, no, no, no, not again.
You've never had anyone
die here before, right?
No.
- No means yes. No means yes.
- No means yes.
Got it.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What the hell is that?
I think that's us.
Wow. That is really, really horrible.
Yeah.
Well, Waymond
painted that for you guys.
He hasn't been the same
since you left.
- Hasn't spoken a word.
- He's tuckered out.
I mean, I don't know
how he finds time to take a nap.
What's going on here?
- That's weird.
- The good old days.
You really like it better over there?
I mean, it's different, you know?
It's intense, you know, like, agh.
But there's Botox to take care
of the stress wrinkles and sushi.
And it doesn't taste like Yoshinoya.
Well, we'd love
to have you back here,
get the Wicky Wild Boys Crew
back together.
Wicky, wicky wild.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Okay, I know we were never
in a group with Bill
called the Wicky Wild Boys, but
maybe we should put this back.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, we do this,
those guys get canned.
Right.
Well, well, well...
did you boys get fired already?
That happened faster than I thought.
No, it didn't, 'cause we're not.
Yeah, in fact,
we have a new leader now
who's teaching us
how to be great men.
In fact, we're amazing men now,
and we're true playboy pimps
for real.
Well, it's been amazing
not having you here.
In fact, I never realized
how much you weighed us down.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a meeting to rock.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're doing it,
'cause she can't talk to us
like that.
You know, she's lucky that she
was married to JP, you know?
How do you let a piece like that go?
He's a hot piece of ass, right?
And you know he's hogged out.
You saw the outline
through the towel.
- Oh, I saw it.
- Dude, he is fully hogging.
JP, why don't you kick things off?
One second, Mel.
Okay, do we have the flash drive?
Yeah, we have the flash drive.
Give her hell.
Or, give them-- give the whole...
- Okay.
- Whoo!
JP! Yeah! Van Nuys!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Van Nuys in the house.
All right.
So what we have here is...
Whoa.
Oh, I don't know what this is about.
Jokes.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
Oh!
No. Ah, shit.
Shit, fuck. Fuck.
Did you do this?
No, we didn't.
You did this.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Fine!
I put up numbers.
I am Sales Team Six!
I dare you, fire me.
Fire me!
You're fired.
Cushing will take over Van Nuys.
This is unacceptable on every level.
I thought it was good.
Good presentation.
Thanks, everyone.
Great stuff from almost all of you.
Alice, spectacular presentation,
as usual.
Thank you so much, Mel,
and I'll see you next quarter.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, you boys sneaking out?
- Huh?
- Hmm?
I just wanted to take a second
and thank you
for helping me out in there.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you thought it
was just a coincidence
that you ran into Cushing
and he convinced you into a transfer.
Uh-huh.
You knew that JP was gonna
ask us to take your flash drive?
Cushing, my new boyfriend,
gave me the inside scoop a week ago,
and I took it from there.
- Oh!
- That's good.
- You're banging Cushing too?
- Oh, my gosh.
Man, I bet he's hogging out as well.
Yeah, you are roping
in some good ones, huh?
Is it huge?
Like, what does it look--
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
Who's bigger?
That was an awesome leadership move.
Honestly, we were wrong about you.
You don't always act like a bitch.
Hey, I do not act like a bitch.
I am a bitch.
A bad, bad bitch, you bitch.
Pretty cool we got our jobs back,
and we finally got time
to smoke some weed on the clock.
Well, the bitch knows
we're here to help, right?
What?
She calls herself a bitch.
- She did.
- So I can say that.
Whoa, whoa. You hear that?
I think we got another beatboxer
in the office.
Ders, go in there
and then rap over his flow,
and I'll FaceTime Pauly.
- Yeah, I'll do that, yeah.
- You got his number!
Yes, I did.
- Whoa.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, uh...
We weren't, uh...
No, no, uh, we just thought
we heard somebody eat-boxing.
Eat-boxing...
Nice.