Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 7, Episode 1 - Trainees' Day - full transcript

Hey, old-timer.

Forget something?

- You forgot the staples.

We truly are
the main office pranksters, aren't we?

This turned out amazing.

You're a genius, Bill.

Why isn't this cutting?

No.

What's the matter, Bill?

Did someone dull the paper cutter?

What the hell is this?



What do you mean?

It's a coffee pot. ls
that not coffee in there?

Is there not coffee?

Actually, Ders, don't you mean
flat Dr. Pepper pot?

Because we put flat Dr. Pepper
in a coffee pot and switched it.

We pwn'd you!

Y'all ain't funny.

My God.

My God. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. It's too funny.

It's too good of a prank. I can't breathe.

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh



No, Adam. It's not even a contest.

The monkey would bite The Rock's dick off.

What if he wore a muzzle?

Wait, on his dick?

No, on his face.

Muzzle... Although that's a good idea,
muzzle on your dick.

I want to wear one on mine.

Okay, wait, you've completely
changed the question

- at this point.
- Yeah, that's not what we're talking about.

- What is this?
- Be on time.

Okay, now,
I'm looking at the top of page three.

"Unapproved attire includes halter tops,

"shirts with spaghetti
straps, biker shorts..."

No wonder this office sucks.

I mean, we've got Bill hiring
all these old fogies.

I mean, this place could
be, like, a Coachella.

- That would be sick.
- Right?

Like, sexy young thangs wearing, like,

kind of racist Indian head dresses.

- Really racist.
- You know?

Yes, they're racist, but they look hot.

Is it racist if it's hot?
That's the question.

What if we had some hip
youngsters in here, you know?

- We could, like, talk about viral videos...
- Yeah.

Or, like, fashion trends...

or, like, totally be kept up
with the Kardashians,

which I've been wanting to get kept up on.

All I'm saying is, we should be
the ones running the train,

trainee, trainees...

I've never seen that word before.
That is a weird word.

New employees' Bagel Bash.

Here's me and mine!

Okay, thank you, Bill.

We will take it from here, all right?

Hey, my name is Adam, the top sales dog,

or at least pretty high up there, DeMamp,

and these are my associates.

Howdy, I'm Blake,
and you are probably thinking,

"What is going on here?"

Well, this ain't your

granddaddy's orientation anymore.

- No, it's not.
- What are you doing?

Alice said I could do this.

Alice said that you were
really bad at your job, Bill,

and that you're suspended for a
week and you should go home now

and not even talk to her about it.

I can't go home now.

My roommate gives tap-dancing lessons
to seven-year-old fart boxes all day.

This sucks!

- Okay, you're embarrassing yourself, Bill.
- Okay, all right.

That was loud.

- Jeez.
- I didn't feel safe.

- It was scary.
- He should go give screaming lessons

to seven-year-olds.

I didn't like that.

And now it's just us, guys.
Let's get comfortable.

Why don't we pull out the index card

- in your pamphlet there, okay?
- There an index card?

Take a pen or a thick marker and
write your age on that card

- and hold it up nice and high, so we can see.
- Great call.

Wow, that one says four. Yikes.

Four, four, a couple fours.

I like these three right
there with the twos.

Yes, and yes.

Absolutely not. Sit your ass down.

Because you have a three as your
first letter in your number.

- Ew, 35?

Yeah, that's really bad.

Okay, so if my friend Adam here
pointed to you,

why don't you come on up,
tell us a little bit about yourself,

what makes you tick?

- Clearly this guy's all right. Cool.
- Okay.

Yo, what's up? Salute. Dab.

What's up, guys? My name's Colt.

22, young, fit, black,
kind of into bacon lately.

- It's my thing.
- All right.

All right, like that.

'Sup. I'm Leila, wish I was black...

And, all bacon e'rythang.

Sure.

I'm Mykyl with two Y's.

I'm white, but sensitively
lam racially colorblind.

That's tight.

Lam a vegan, except for bacon, of course.

Okay, well, now that they said their part,
now is your part.

Please get up and leave.
You're fired. I'm sorry.

- You are fired.
- Yeah, we're good.

Bye-bye. Bye. Sorry about that.

- This way.
- This is blatant ageism.

You might be too old to understand
what we were saying.

I'm saying you're fired
'cause you're too old, okay? Buh-bye.

Fuck you!

How's that for old?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I liked her suit, though.

- Wait a second.
. Wow.

Guys, guys. 9W5-

What does your card say there?

69.

- Ls that your actual age?
- Yes.

Are you kidding me? I've never met one.

Yeah, it's crazy.

So, like, do you know
what, like, 69, like, means?

The sexual term?

Dude, this dude's a freak.

- You nasty.
- It is sexual.

That's a hilarious age.

Okay, I think, yeah, you can stick around,

and from now on, your name is 69 Man.

You're 69 Man, dude. That's your nickname.

My name is Jerry.

Hey, Blake, it's Anders.

Hey, are you over there on your phone

pretending like you're on
a super-important call?

Yes, I am, actually.

I look like I'm working very hard,

but really I'm just talking to
my friends and horsing around.

Hey, Blake and Anders, it's Adam,

and I'm doing what you guys just
explained that we're doing.

So shut up, Mom.
I'm talking to my friends, okay?

So you are talking to somebody.

Shut up. Shut up. No, you shut up.

You're,
you're a disrespectful bitch, okay?

You also get long-distance calls.

Sick life hack.

- Yeah.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

- Yeah.
- I think we done with work.

And right now, I think it's time
to do what we came here to do,

and that is... I got an itch.

And that itch is to prank.

No, I want the one with the hot tub.

It's the honeymoon suite, okay?

- And I'm gonna fill that tub up...
- Yo, Tez.

- Your car is getting towed.
- My God. Not again.

Colleen is gonna beat my ass if I don't
bring us Chinese food home tonight.

- What the hell is going on?
- On!

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, your car is horny, beep-beep.

So I'm toe-ing it.

I ain't got no time for this bullshit.

It's too hot out here.
It's too hot for this.

- What?
- He just got pranked.

That is just an example of, you know,

some of the pranks we pull
on a regular basis around here.

Just one of the many, really.

But sometimes we've got to get real,
just like you guys,

and set some boundaries, some rules.

Number one rule, no snitching,
not to Alice, nobody.

And that's true, 'cause snitches get...

- Stitches.
- Put in a body bag, right?

'Cause we will freakin' murder a snitch.

- Yeah, stop snitching.
- So, no snitches.

'Cause snitches are...

Big old pieces of shit.

- They are.
- We don't like 'em.

Well said.

And one more for Mykyl with two Y's,

because he's inquisitive.

But seriously, guys,
nothing like a hot roof beer

after pulling a cold-blooded prank.

It was cold-blooded.

It is the absolute best.

Jesus, dude. That is super hot.
It's like soup.

Yeah, well, they've been on
the roof for a week, so...

- Yeah.
- It's still good.

Guys, I'd like to propose a toast,
if you don't mind.

- Sure.
- To the three best mentors

I've ever had.

- Yes.

That's the thing we do.

Can I get real for a sec?

- Please.
- I feel pretty

goddamn blessed to be here

on this roof, drinking this...

Very, very hot beer with you all.

I fucking love this family.

You cry, I cry, right?

- You cry, we're gonna cry. Come here.
- Come here.

Here we go. Yes.

Human contact.

He's insane

Jock, jock, jock, jock,
jock, jock, jock box

Watch me touch this.

You did it. You did what you said.

- I got it. It's waggling.
- You touched it.

69 Man, you 69 last night?

Yeah, I did.

That's really awesome.

- Wow.
- Yeah, dude.

Morning, legends. You're just in time.

We fried up some artisanal bacon,
made some savage bloodys.

Whoo! Or do you guys want milk,

because you're legend-dairy?

You should tweet that.

- That's funny, dude.
- Thank you.

- That's funny.
- All right, fam, follow me.

This sitch is about to get lit.

So check this out.

We gave the floors a special
polish with bacon grease.

Boom.

- It looks great.
- Smells weird.

So listen, you guys ready for the show?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Mykyl, please do the honors.

With pleasure.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- What is going on?

Run, run, this whole place
is gonna burn down.

- Faster.
- My back.

- Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

- My God!
- It's definitely broken.

My L3 is shattered.

- Dude, how amazing is this?

Yeah, it's... Alice, Alice.

Go, go, everybody. Go, go, go.

What is happening?

No snitching. No snitching.

Where's Jillian?

- Pileup on the floor 05.

- Go!
- Come on. Come on.

My God. That was nasty.

Super-funny prank, very funny.

Just, you know, the pranks
we do are a little more chill.

We just don't want to get fired, you know?

We've got a good thing going here,
good health bennies.

- What other things?
- Pretzels.

Health bennies?

Dude, who cares?

|'ma live forever!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, no, dude, I'm gonna live forever.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.

And that's what's up. And that's what's up.

Yeah, no, I think I pulled something.

Hey, man, I don't know
if you guys would wanna fucks with this,

but we had an idea for a pretty cool thing
to use the office for, but...

Nah, you know what?
It's probably too savage for you guys.

What? No, are you...
Did you not just see what he did?

- Yeah, my boy's a savage.
- That was insane.

We're in. We're loco. We're down to clown.

We want to shoot a porno in the office.

You wouldn't...
And you actually have the...

I would love... That's like...
Honestly, that's my dream,

so I'm excited.

He has, like, a lot of
scripts already written.

I have so many scripts.

Good, man. I've been shooting porno
since junior high, bro.

It's, like...
It's, like, my main side hustle.

My God. I'm hyperventilating.

This is, like...
That would be my dream gig.

Wait, wait, you guys
don't have side hustles?

No. This is our main hustle.

And then we just go smoke weed
and drink beers on the roof.

- Which... It's a hustle.
- Yeah.

Yo, even Alice has a side hustle.

She teaches yoga on the weekends.

- Cool.
- That's tight. She does.

- That's cool.
- S|ammin' body.

Anyway, we think the cubicle
would be a dope location.

It's gonna be a really special film,

super talented group of sex workers.

Yeah, we just need help
handing out the snacks.

So, these actors get pretty hungry,
if you know what I mean.

- Smashing is their cardio.
- My God.

That could be our side hustle, dudes.

We could be like a snack shack
on porno sets.

- Yes!
- Yup. Yes.

Get in there.

Guys,
I've got salami-wrapped combos.

I like 'em, but will they?

Yeah, they're gonna love those.
That's protein.

That's what they want.

- Thanks, Adam.
- They don't need Ders‘

creamy clam chowder in their face.

It's pronounced clam
chow-Ders, all right?

And these fucksters need stamina.

This is all Michael Phelps ate
in Beijing, okay?

And I think we all know
what happened in Beijing.

Eight golds. Seven world records, guys.
Beijing, come on.

Yeah, we're kind of team Lochte.

Jveah!

Listen, guys, a bit of bad news.

The male actors actually canceled on us.

Damn it. Are they okay?

They're fine, and so are
the female actresses.

So this is what's gonna go down.

They saw your guys' photographs,
and they want to know

if you guys want to get it in.

- Yes!
- All rig ht, g reat.

So you guys get ready.
We'll go grab your co-stars.

- Whoo!
- Hang tight.

- My God.
- No.

- What? Dudes.
- My God.

- This is happening.
- Here we go.

Wait, okay,
let's think about this, though, guys.

We're doing, we're doing porno now.

Like, my face, I don't
want to show my face,

'cause I still want to run
for city council in 2016.

Okay, well, first off, it's 2017, so...

You know what?
- it's 2017?

Cover your ugly, dumb face, 'cause my face,

it's what should be front and center, okay?

I say we use my face and also my dick.

- Okay.
- Okay, and we'll just blur out

- my midsection.
- Yeah.

I kind of want to cover it, just,
so if we can pixilate it

or blur it out or whatever...

But the big thing is that
we are all going to be nude,

and my penis, I don't know if
it's adequate enough.

Where is the penis pump?

- Where... Yes, okay.
- It's right over there.

- Ders.
- What?

- I'm gonna need your help.
- Okay, what do you need, man?

What do you need?

I'm gonna need a little help
shaving my butthole.

Absolutely not.

- Shave my butthole, Ders.
- No. Stop it.

If anything, I'm gonna shave my butthole,

and I'm gonna eat chowder so
I can have an explosive O.

- Help him.
- I have got a thick, thick mane down there,

and my family will be
embarrassed by my porno

if I don't have a slick butthole.

- Please.
- Okay.

You're a swimmer.
I know you shave other men's

buttholes often.

- Please.
- Fine.

I'm only doing this because
I'm good at it, okay?

You churn my chowder, I'll shave your hole.

- Come on.
- Come on, you little prick.

Thank you so much for doing this.

My God. I'm right...
I'm back here now, okay?

- Okay. Shave my butthole.
- Holy Jesus.

0h. my God!

- Ls it bad?
- Yeah.

Dude, it looks like someone
CG|'d butthole hair back here.

Yeah, it's been a while
since I've maintained.

Here we go.

Right side's done. Go
ahead and give it a feel.

I put it at a two.

I can take it down to a one.
It's gonna be prickly, though.

- No. Let's go one.
- Kay.

- Yep.
- Your funeral.

Welcome to our...

Hey. Chow-Ders is almost...

Yeah, hey, my buttho|e's almost ready too.
Whoa!

What the hell is going on in here?

Alice, where do you... It's Saturday.

Why are you here?

I'm teaching a yoga class, Anders.

It's my side hustle.

- Cool.
- Yeah, we got those too.

- Definitely.

Okay, what the hell is that noise?

Um... It's for my sleep apnea.

I snore a lot, and then this kind ofjust...

You know what? When you guys started here
seven years ago, this was all kinda cute.

But you know what? You're old as fug now.

We're basically in our
20s more or less, still.

No, you're not. Okay, you know what?

You're suspended for a week without pay.

Now get the hell out of here.

Okay, I think that was slightly harsh

- forjust shaving a butthole...

And staging a porno in our cubicle.

Guys?

This thing works.

Hello, office.

- We're back.
- The boys are back.

- Baloney boys in the building.
- Shh!

They might hear you.

Yeah, okay,
that's the whole point, so they hear us.

Trying to say what's up to everybody.

What's going on?

Man.

Don't drink that!

Leila shat in the water.

What?

You all right, Waymond?

Hey, these new trainees
are straight-up evil.

They're fucking with everybody
all day, every day.

It's enough. I don't care.

I say we put an end to this thing for good.

Don't kill anyone.

Bill, chill.

Okay, listen, we're gonna prank 'em back.

We want to know if y'all are in.

Yeah, I think it's safe
to say that we're in.

In fact, we're down for a clap back.

- Clap back.
- Yep.

We've got to do something,
because they broke

our number one rule.

You don't snitch, not to Alice,
not to HR, not to the police.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't snitch.

I guess the main office pranksters
will get to work then.

You guys sit back, relax,
and we're about to clap back.

No, thank you, okay?

We've seen how y'all prank.

Um, we're gonna handle the pranking.
We got this.

Okay, wow. Okay, you're in charge.

Please let us know if we can assist you,
your highness.

Seriously, though, if we could just help.

We're pretty bored and have nothing to do.

Sup?
You guys have a good week off?

You chill, hit the 0|‘
internal reset button?

Yeah. No, it was very chill.

A week with no pay.

I didn't even get to visit
the ice cream truck.

Wait, you guys...
You guys aren't pissed, are you?

You know, it's just that
we don't usually involve Alice

in pranks is all, so, you know.

You guys inspired us.

You're our heroes. We're
your biggest stans.

That's cool.

I have always considered myself
a Slim Shady.

Yes.

And I plan on talking about
murdering my wife

but not actually doing it.

Kim sucks.

Yeah, dude, and on the lowdown,

it was hella rad of you guys
to stay true to yourselves inside

and not snitch.

I mean, you guys are like
the super-old wise dogs

our pack always needed.

Right, right, but, like,
the oldest of the young dogs.

Yeah, no, I get that.

- You know, we're still pups on the porch...
- Yeah.

Even though we like
to run around in the yard.

- Yeah.
- But, um...

Since we're all pups here,
I've got to tell you that

everyone in this office wants to fight you,

and they're planning a prank.

Clap back.

- Yep.
- But the thing is,

is we really like you.

And we don't want to fight you.

We like you too.

So if you let us QB this prank,

new school and newer school
working together...

Yes.

I think we could prank the office
before they prank you.

Yeah.

We appreciate you guys liking us,

- and we don't want to fight anybody at all.
- No.

If you guys don't mind, yeah,
we'll let you take the lead

on the clap back.

Yo, what up, world? It's us.

The main office pranksters
in conjunction with...

What up, fam?

And we about to pull the ultimate
main office prank in da world.

That's right.
So, we got LSD, MDMA, and special K

all up in their coffee,
because it's a clap back.

Bill's feeling it.

Anybody else feeling hot in here?

It's like looking through

to a different alternate universe.

I'm losing my mind.

I'm seeing demons.

No. No!

That is not good. That is not good at all.

My eyes! I can't see!

My heart is about to pop.

It's not going good.

Jerry, what's poppin‘?

Shit!

What's popping, Jerry?

No!

Yo, they're, like, OD'ing.

Their old hearts couldn't handle it, guys.

- We could... We could go to jail for this.
- Yep.

What do you mean, "yep"?

Hey, no, don't worry about it.
That's on us, okay?

You guys should get out of here.

You got your whole lives
ahead of you, right?

So just run. Get out of here.

Because sometimes clap backs clap back.

I mean, this is on us.

We appreciate everything
you taught us, old dog.

I'm not an old... Okay,
I'm not old, though.

Yo, man, you old guys are heroes, man.

You may think this is goodbye,

- but this is great-bye.
- Yeah.

You'll live in my heart forever.

- Just go. Just go. Just go.
- Get outta here.

- I liked you the least.
- Just go.

My gosh.

- You guys did such a great job.

- And I'm proud of you!

Waymond, come on up.

- Wow, I'm impressed.
- Fee|in' good. Shake it off!

You feel like you've lost some weight.

Good acting. That was really good stuff.

You guys are officially
the JV main office pranksters.

- Seriously. Congrats.
- Hey.

How are we the JV?

That was my idea.

Yeah, but you guys are, like,
the nerd losers of the office. We're cool.

You weren't in charge.
That's why it worked.

Hold on.
I think, 69 Man's taking a nap.

- Hey, bud.
- Yeah.

Come on. Prank's over.

- He's a ham.
- Yeah.

69 Man.

That's varsity material.

69 Man.

Hey, 69 Man. Come on.

Get up.

69 Man.

69 Man.

69 Man.

And even though
we hardly knew him,

never really knew his real name,

it was still pretty awesome

that he let us call him

the 69 Man.

He was old.

But he knew that 69

was a cool sexual maneuver.

- He did.
- So, in...

Mem... Memoriam-dum,

we got his favorite sandwich,

an Italian trio from Jersey Mike's.

We're assuming. We don't know the guy,

but that's our favorite sandwich, so...

Think he would have liked that.

This is supposed to be
Italian trio party sub.

This is roast beef. They made a mistake.

Are you sure

that someone didn't switch it on purpose?

You just got pranked, dude,
and what is that?

A clap back.

Nice.

That's a man?

Yeah, look at those calves.

I guess there's no way to tell, really.

Well, what about the...
The mustache right there?

You're in Rancho Cucamonga.

- Okay, so that's natural.
- Yeah.

- Okay, got it.
- They grow 'em thick out here.