Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 13 - Friendship Anniversary - full transcript
English Subtitles.
Workaholics S04E13 (720p) Friendship Anniversary - BrRip [KoTuWa]
- Welcome
to American Gladiate-Ders!
Contestant, you will have
two minutes to finish
the obstacle course without
getting shot down by Blake.
- Actually, uh, my gladiator
name is "Slaybraham Lincoln."
- Are you wearing my jammers?
- Oh, yeah.
Hope you don't mind.
I pimp-my-rided them,
kind of souped 'em up.
- Not cool.
Okay, so, Adam,
you will begin
with the slingshot,
which will propel you
over the table to station one.
At station two,
where the stationary bike is,
you'll... there's three things...
Whatever.
Go to three, four,
five, six, seven,
and you will end the course
at the doors of destruction,
one of which
I'll be hiding behind
to put you on your ass, boy!
Gladiator ready!
- Ready!
- Contestant ready!
- I actually didn't hear
a lot of what you just said,
but get ready to see
a man of action!
- And ready, go!
- Oh!
- Got him! Got... got you!
- No, you're out, that's it.
- Got you, got you!
- No, that doesn't count.
- No, yeah, that counted,
for sure.
You're out.
Those are the rules.
- Mm, I think I just found
some new rules.
Starting now.
Go!
- What...
You're out, though, dude!
- Ooh, pay the piper!
It's a faulty course!
- You're skipping stations.
- Ow!
- Now you're dead again.
You're double dead.
- Ow!
- Got him!
- Okay, that doesn't...
Second life!
I've got a second life now.
- Ders!
He's cheating!
- Okay. Oh, hey.
- I'm coming, Dersey!
- He's disqualified, so...
Thank you.
Hey, guys, we got our lease.
You know we've been living
together seven years?
You know what that means?
We're common law married!
- We're married!
- Married!
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Okay, on the right side
is where the sporks go, Blake.
- The right.
See, I did the left.
- And, Adam, if you wouldn't
mind pouring some champagne
for when we all sign
the lease together.
- I would love to,
my dude husband.
- Oh, wow, seven years.
Wow!
- I mean, it's...
- Dude, I love champagne.
- Crazy.
- Whoo!
- Oh, hey, oh!
- Aah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Celebration!
- What are you doing?
Dude, we're supposed
to save that
for when we sign
the lease together! Stop it!
- This was supposed to be
a nice dinner, I thought.
- I'm living a loco life!
Come on, guys.
Let's get shmacked, right?
We're married dudes.
- Married dudes
don't get loco.
They have civilized dinners
together, duh!
- Mm, I don't know.
I like my way a little better.
- All right, look,
everybody relax, all right?
Because I have...
- I'm relaxed!
- I have wedding gifts.
- Yeah, okay, sure.
- Yeah.
- Ders, you're first up,
and tell me how you like it.
- I think those
are my headphones.
Why are they covered with...
- With... well, they're shells
and various, uh,
things from the sea because...
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I know how much
he likes water.
- Blake, I don't want to hear
the ocean.
I want to hear Robert Kelly.
I want to hear Ne-Yo.
I want to hear Usher!
I don't want to hear the ocean!
Jesus.
- Wow, he has horrible taste
in music.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
This wasn't even
the best gift.
I made you the best gift
'cause you're my favorite.
- I'm gonna close my eyes.
- What do you think?
- You ruined
my fucking weight belt.
You destroyed it.
- Uh, well...
- You glued macaroni on it,
and then you put
you love my butthole?
- No.
- "Blake's favorite
tight butthole" is my butthole.
- You know, it's kind of big
on the Internet right now.
It's called
"reclaimed art," so...
- So you claim.
- So I claim, very good.
- Yeah.
- Well, I don't see you
giving any gifts.
- Here's my gift to you.
- Ooh, ooh, Ders!
You might want to get in here.
- Here's my gift to you.
- We got some performance art
from the genius.
- I'm gonna get
so shmacked tonight,
and that usually correlates
into us having
one of the best time
of our lifetime times,
like that time
that we partied
with Seven Mary Three...
- It wasn't...
- And that was all because of me
and my partying ways!
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right, all right.
Let's put it aside.
I can...
I can forget everything.
Now that I'm seeing the KFC,
I'm getting excited.
- Oh!
Kentucky freaking chicken, baby!
- Whoa, whoa.
- That's good, okay, I'm back.
Now I'm back.
- Hey, sorry about that.
- Let's dial it back.
We're out of dishes.
This isn't KFC, I just used
the boxes and the buckets.
Uh, this is Norwegian food.
Kjottkaker,
and then we've got
fiskesuppe,
and of course the cod tongue.
- Wha... what?
Am I on Off Their Rockers?
Is Betty White gonna walk
her old ass in here?
What is this?
- Okay.
I'm not gonna eat
any Swedish fish
unless it's
actual Swedish Fish,
the kind that you get in the bag
at the grocery store
that's delicious,
a little gummy treat.
- For the 500th time,
I'm Norwegian.
This is Norwegian food.
- Okay.
- It's totally different.
- For the first time,
you shouldn't bring in KFC
unless it's actual KFC,
not this fucking pig slop!
- Yep.
- I made all this for you guys.
I slaved all day.
The least you could say
is "tusen takk,"
which is "a thousand thanks"
in Norwegian.
- Hmm.
- How about no takks?
Zero takks for you!
I want real, American,
delicious meats!
- There's Nor-way
I'm gonna eat this!
- Hey!
- Norway fucking sucks!
Kentucky rules!
- Food fight!
- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, well,
we're out of food.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Aah!
- Why don't you go get shmacked
loco somewhere, you bitch?
- Oh, I will, 'cause
if I wasn't getting shmacked,
not one loco thing would ever
happen to either of you!
- Ho-ho!
Who said we want it, man?
Oh! You're lucky I don't shmack
the loco out of your face!
- You know what, if we didn't go
to college together,
I probably wouldn't even
be friends with you now.
And I gave you a gift!
The gift of my talent.
- Talent?
Please, you bitch!
You're a medium talent at best!
- Oh, you're a bitch.
- Aah!
- Yeah, well,
I would have new friends.
I'd have friends
like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
if I didn't know you guys!
- You know what, DeMamp?
You should think
about quitting drinking.
Yeah, 'cause you're
starting to get fat.
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I take that back.
You are a legitimate fat dude.
- Yeah.
- You take that back right now.
- You are a chubby bitch.
Fat as John Candy
and not half as cool.
- Suck my lamp!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- You tried to murder me!
- Yeah, I tried to murder you!
- Oh, now I'm taking it
to the next level!
- Aah!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Okay.
Truce, truce, truce!
- Truce.
- Truce.
- Truce.
- Okay.
Uh, that got very real.
- That got pretty real.
- We got out of hand.
If you guys want to start
cleaning up, I'll go get dinner.
I'll pay for it.
A couple spicy Italians
and a cold cut combo?
- It's double meat,
double cheese.
And what,
you think buying dinner's
gonna get you out of this?
This is your TV.
And, Blake,
you tried to murder me.
I think maybe you should be
the one cleaning up.
- I'm not cleaning up the TV,
and a matter of fact,
I don't even know
if I can stay here tonight
because I don't
feel comfortable
being in the same house
as you two.
- Yep.
- I'm out of here.
- No, I-I'm out of here.
- I'm out of here first.
I actually said it back there,
and you guys didn't hear me.
- What?
- What? No, I said...
- Yeah, I said it first.
- No, I said it first.
- Okay, so we're all
out of here.
- ♪ You gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Come on.
- Ugh, it stinks.
- Yeah.
- Were you making Indian food?
- Nah.
That's just how it smells.
- Well, regardless, thanks
for letting me crash here.
You know, you've always
appreciated me,
unlike Ders and Adam.
- Honestly,
I could use the company.
I had a rough week.
I forgot to pick up
Alice's dry cleaning,
and she smushed coffee cake
into my ear.
There's still some, like,
cinnamon crumbles.
- Well, you know
what always cheers me up?
- Huh?
- I crack open a cold one.
I turn some Ying Yang Twins
on the old Pandora station,
and I do some artsin'
and craftin'.
- Oh.
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Oh, show's back on.
Okay.
Here's my bitch, right here.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
I got a lot of money
riding on this dog show.
There we go!
- Go, bitch.
- Is that my hat?
I know that is.
That is my hat, man.
Why you take it from me, man?
- The park is closed!
The park is closed.
Read the sign.
Those are the rules.
- Hey, we got a new rule.
Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, sounds like somebody's
fluent in the language of cuss.
Doesn't impress me, buddy.
- Oh, you just violated
the new rule
of shutting the fuck up.
- Okay, well,
if that's the rule,
then you violated it
by telling it to me.
Don't tangle with the king,
all right?
I know what I'm doing,
all right?
Now, hand over the beers.
I know you guys are underage.
Stop slamming.
- Then I'm taking this one.
I want you guys out of here
by the time I'm done
taking my night dump,
or I'm calling the cops.
- Oh, my gosh.
The police?
- The 5-0.
- Oh, okay.
- All right?
- Hey, why you walking
like that, man?
You got something
stuck up there?
Super dookie!
- Get out of here.
I'm a quick shit.
- Whoa!
What is this, pool?
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
Felt, wood.
Sticks, balls.
Nice.
You guys want to chug
some beers with me?
- Free beers?
- Yeah, I brought 'em over.
I was like,
"These dudes look cool.
"I want to be best friends
with them and hang out with them
all the time."
Chugging beers
with my friends.
Whoo!
Getting shmacked!
Getting loco.
We livin' that loco life.
50 more beers for my friends
who I love now
and not for my friends
who I don't love now.
I love you, dudes.
You guys are cool.
- Well, well, well.
Aren't you
a rowdy little bear cub?
- Rowdy roddy bear hug.
Coming at you!
- Whoa!
Oh, you're way stronger
than I am.
- Hey, buddy.
- You're way stronger than I am.
- Hey, you got to bring it down
a little bit.
People are trying to watch
the game here.
Yeah, okay, no, I will.
Oh, I'll listen
to everything you say 'cause
of your imposing voice... oh!
- All right, you're done.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Watch out, man, come on.
I got beers back at my place.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go back
to his place.
I don't want to be
in this stupid place.
Let's go!
Let's go!
- Come on, you little bitch.
- Ooh, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum.
And here are those fajitas
that you demanded of me...
- The Weimaraner?
Are you shitting me?
No!
- Uh, what's happening?
- I put 400 bucks
on the schnauzer to take it all,
and he fucking took
a dump mid-trot.
- Oh.
- That's gonna cost us the win!
Who does that?
- Okay.
All right, all right,
all right.
Maybe, maybe...
Hear me out.
Maybe this will cheer you up,
okay?
I made a little something
for you to,
you know, say thank you
for letting me stay here.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I just arts
and crafted something.
- Yeah?
- I hope you like it.
I kind of made some adjustments
in the br... bra area,
the chest area.
- That's my favorite dress.
- Right?
- My Korean mom gave it to me!
You ruined it!
- I wouldn't say I ruined it.
I kind of reinterpreted it.
A lot of girls
are doing it on Tumblr.
- You just
reinterpreted garbage.
- Wha... whoa!
Okay!
- You reinterpret this,
you piece of shit!
You touch one more thing
in this house,
and I will fucking cut
your hands off.
- Yep.
- I'm going to bed!
- Yep.
Sweet dreams.
- I said no sour cream.
- Oh...
No, no.
Oh.
- Tonight you sleep
in the tub,
like an asshole would.
- Well, it's, uh...
It's only 6:30.
- Occupied!
Someone's in here.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Police!
- What the hell?
- New rule!
No shits after 5:00!
- Oh, no, no!
Oh, no, no!
No!
Oh, blue dookie!
- Somebody take a picture!
Dude, take a picture.
Hey, shut up!
We're trying to take
a picture!
- Can't believe you carried me
all the way home, man.
You're strong.
Want some bed beer?
Blake loved bed beers.
- Oh, was Blake your partner?
- Yeah.
He's my partner.
At least he was.
We lived together
for seven years.
We were basically married.
Yeah. I've been there.
All right.
- Oh!
Is that your hard dick?
Yeah.
- Your dick is hard right now?
- Yeah, it is.
- Wow.
It is 2:00 a.m.,
and your penis is already hard?
You get morning wood this early?
That is incredible.
You're like a superhero.
- When did you guys break up?
A couple of hours ago.
- Okay, wow.
Uh, yeah, this is a...
This is a bad idea.
I'm just gonna go jerk off.
- Okay.
Well, you didn't need
to tell me that, dude.
That's something you just
kind of keep to yourself.
- ♪ Only darkness ♪
♪ I'm alone with you
inside the pond ♪
♪ Sinking under ♪
♪ And the sun flies by,
meanwhile you're gone ♪
- Hey, Blake.
Sorry about earlier.
I was, you know, being so...
- Crazy.
- No!
I was gonna say "tipsy"!
I'm not crazy!
What's crazy about me, Blake?
Huh?
Is this crazy?
- I meant tips...
- Welcome to Motel Jillian!
We leave the shower on.
Lights off!
- Just buy it.
Just buy it.
- Can you not type
so loud, dude?
- I'm not... shh, shut up,
I'm talking to someone.
- Hey, some of the phones
are acting spotty,
so we have a tech guy
coming through to check it out.
- That's great to know.
Yeah, and I want you to know
that I had probably the best
night of my life last night.
Yeah, you know?
It was full of laughter
and funny situations.
It was like living in an episode
of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.
- Hmm.
- Cool.
I also had one of the best times
of my life last night.
It was so much fun!
Oh, my God!
It was like an episode
of California Dreaming.
- It's cool that you guys
had TV show nights.
I had a movie night.
It was like Bebe's Kids.
- Why don't you Quantum Leap
back on the phones?
- That was good actually.
- So why don't we just
take this lease,
rip it up, move out?
- I'd love that.
- Mm, I'd love that more.
- Okay, well, fine,
then why don't we go back
to the house after work?
We'll split up the security
deposit, and then that's it.
- I'd love that.
- Okay.
- I'd love that more.
- Well, then why don't
you marry it, Adam?
- Maybe I will this time!
- Fine, but it's not gonna
be very good
'cause you're not
a great husband.
I've experienced it.
- I can't wait to never see you
guys ever again starting now.
- Split up our belongings,
and then we just...
We'll move out... oh!
- What the freakin' heck
was that?
- Oh, my God, that is a mouse
with a rat face and a rat tail.
- Oh!
- Ooh.
- It's like Fievel Goes...
Oh, my God!
- Dude, go, go!
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God.
You guys, we're not gonna
get our security deposit back
with those things
running around in there.
- Falcon punch!
- Oh!
Oh, yeah!
All: Dip forward and back
and kick and...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Aah!
- Whoo!
- We are the rat busters!
That was awesome.
I was like, aah!
The one...
The one eye popped out,
and I saw you,
you were like, "Kaboosh!"
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just kabooshed it so hard.
- Thank you.
- Ders, you got a squadoosh.
I saw that.
- Yeah, I did.
- That was awesome... I love
being maniacs with you guys.
- Pretty good last adventure.
Last one.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- Frickin' hate you dudes.
You guys suck.
Oh, fuck you.
- You're a bitch.
- Yeah, you're a bitch.
- You're a bitch too.
- If I saw you in the streets,
I'd be like,
"Let's gun this dude down.
I hate him."
- Shut up.
- I hate you.
- Shut up, bitch.
- You shut up.
Another rat!
Final adventure extended!
- Okay!
- Here we go!
- Whoo!
- Oh, okay, yep.
- Gross! Ew!
- No, that is a...
that's a nest.
That's what they call
a rat nest, and it is huge.
- They're all just in there,
just fucksing,
just humping on top
of each other.
- What should we do?
- Well, let's just,
uh, go get shmacked, right,
and assume that someone else
will take care of this.
- No!
Hey, look.
- Yep.
- This is our problem.
We're gonna step up,
and it's gonna happen by Blake
coming up with one
of your creative, crazy ideas
to get those rats out of here
and into some kind of box
or container.
- I don't know, guys. I just...
- Come on.
- Oh, I am a freakin'
full-grown baby genius.
I got it, yeah.
A pizza suit.
Put a bunch of pizza
on this... on a suit,
and then the rats all come to it
and they... and they ge...
They start eating it...
- Oh, that's good.
- And then while they're
eating it, you strip it off,
and you...
you put it on the...
the slingshot from
American Gladiate-Ders, right?
- Oh, that's good!
- Yes! Ders, yeah.
- And then we launch it
into space!
- Yeah, or at least
the neighbor's yard.
- Yeah, exactly, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Now I guess all we got to find
is somebody loco enough to get
in that suit, right?
- Exactly.
- My cousin Danny's loco.
At family barbecues, he'll take
his penis out and put it
in a hot dog bun
and will walk around to my aunt
and be like...
"Are you hungry
for some sausages?"
And he's not even British.
- Okay, yeah.
That's loco.
I was referring to you,
though.
- You guys think I'm loco?
- Yeah.
Well, I would be honored.
- All right.
- All right.
- Don't do the accent,
though.
- Okay, well, then I would be...
I would be honored.
- Cool.
- Yeah, okay.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- They're biting
through my suit!
Oh, I can feel their teeth!
Oh, God! Oh, man!
- I can't...
I can't get
to the zipper, man.
Okay, wiggle out! Wiggle out!
- I can't,
I think my shoulders
are too muscular!
- Yep.
- Oh, God!
They're pooping and biting me!
- Oh, my God, look at...
His balls are huge!
- I can't get
to the zipper, man!
- Oh, God.
- Hey! Whoa, okay!
They're biting.
They are biting.
- Oh, God!
- Adam, if you die in that suit,
at least
you're shmacked and loco.
- You guys are my best friends!
Please help me save my life!
- Look, man, I'm sorry.
I-I missed you guys!
I tried to text you last night.
I wussed out.
- I wanted to text you too.
I'll admit it.
I'm a bitch-ass
who loves my friends!
I'm a bitch-ass!
Okay, okay, okay.
I got it, I got it, I got it!
- Here, put it in the basket!
- Ow! Ow!
Get it, get it! Ow!
- Get it in!
All: One, two, three.
Three!
Oh!
- I think they're mostly gone.
I think we did it.
- Yeah?
- No, there's one.
- Huh?
- Rat splat!
All: Oh!
- Oh, direct hit.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, his melon just...
Oh, it just... that exploded.
- Rat blood in my eyes.
- Okay.
- That was disgusting.
- Ooh.
- Once again,
pretty good last adventure,
boys.
- Whoo!
Killer.
- Don't have to make this
the last one, though, right?
- Yeah.
- I think I got a...
another dude adventure in me.
- I mean,
let's... let's continue
being friends
until I die of rabies.
- All right. Dude husband.
- All right.
Yeah, dude husbands!
- Dude husbands.
- It might be soon.
We might all have rabies.
- Yeah, we might
all have rabies and die.
- We do.
- First things first.
Dude anniversary dinner.
- Okay.
All right, I'm starting.
Anders the giant.
And Adam.
- Yeah.
- You are my Spice World.
- That was a good flick.
- Sure.
- And I want you both to know,
if I ever get a lover,
she's gonna have to get
with my friends first.
- Mm.
- Zig-a-zig-ah!
- Sporty Spice made me wear
a sports bra for six months.
- Pretty cool, cheers.
- All right.
- I'll cheers to that.
- I was inspired.
- Cheers.
- Also, I was obese.
I was an obese child.
- I'll take you any way
you are.
- You guys are my family.
- Mm-hmm.
- Until, like, I meet a super
hot babe and just impregnate her
a ton with, like,
ten little babies
with great hairlines
and/or dope titties.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, yes.
All: Cheers.
- And may any child who tips
over a man in a Porta-Potty
be publicly executed.
Am I right?
Okay?
- Very Iraq-ish.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, cheers.
- Imagine if it happened
to you, though.
- Hey, guys.
I'm gonna fuck
this dude upstairs,
so if you guys want to fuck
down here, that's cool,
or if you want
to fuck upstairs,
we can all fuck together,
all right?
We can have
a little group thing.
It'll be fun.
- Cool, thanks, Trevor.
- Now get up there!
Get up there!
- Uh, how'd you meet this guy?
- I met him at the bar.
- Mm.
- I'm getting
kind of a gay vibe, though.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, whatever, let's eat.
- Let's eat.
- Let's dig in.
- Oh, that's good.
- Mmm, that's good.
All: Mmm.
- Nice!
You can use 'em as a spoon.
- I'm sorry?
- You can use 'em as a spoon.
- Oh, okay.
- They do chicken right,
don't they?
All: Mmm.
- And I am just transported
to Kentucky.
Workaholics S04E13 (720p) Friendship Anniversary - BrRip [KoTuWa]
- Welcome
to American Gladiate-Ders!
Contestant, you will have
two minutes to finish
the obstacle course without
getting shot down by Blake.
- Actually, uh, my gladiator
name is "Slaybraham Lincoln."
- Are you wearing my jammers?
- Oh, yeah.
Hope you don't mind.
I pimp-my-rided them,
kind of souped 'em up.
- Not cool.
Okay, so, Adam,
you will begin
with the slingshot,
which will propel you
over the table to station one.
At station two,
where the stationary bike is,
you'll... there's three things...
Whatever.
Go to three, four,
five, six, seven,
and you will end the course
at the doors of destruction,
one of which
I'll be hiding behind
to put you on your ass, boy!
Gladiator ready!
- Ready!
- Contestant ready!
- I actually didn't hear
a lot of what you just said,
but get ready to see
a man of action!
- And ready, go!
- Oh!
- Got him! Got... got you!
- No, you're out, that's it.
- Got you, got you!
- No, that doesn't count.
- No, yeah, that counted,
for sure.
You're out.
Those are the rules.
- Mm, I think I just found
some new rules.
Starting now.
Go!
- What...
You're out, though, dude!
- Ooh, pay the piper!
It's a faulty course!
- You're skipping stations.
- Ow!
- Now you're dead again.
You're double dead.
- Ow!
- Got him!
- Okay, that doesn't...
Second life!
I've got a second life now.
- Ders!
He's cheating!
- Okay. Oh, hey.
- I'm coming, Dersey!
- He's disqualified, so...
Thank you.
Hey, guys, we got our lease.
You know we've been living
together seven years?
You know what that means?
We're common law married!
- We're married!
- Married!
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Okay, on the right side
is where the sporks go, Blake.
- The right.
See, I did the left.
- And, Adam, if you wouldn't
mind pouring some champagne
for when we all sign
the lease together.
- I would love to,
my dude husband.
- Oh, wow, seven years.
Wow!
- I mean, it's...
- Dude, I love champagne.
- Crazy.
- Whoo!
- Oh, hey, oh!
- Aah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Celebration!
- What are you doing?
Dude, we're supposed
to save that
for when we sign
the lease together! Stop it!
- This was supposed to be
a nice dinner, I thought.
- I'm living a loco life!
Come on, guys.
Let's get shmacked, right?
We're married dudes.
- Married dudes
don't get loco.
They have civilized dinners
together, duh!
- Mm, I don't know.
I like my way a little better.
- All right, look,
everybody relax, all right?
Because I have...
- I'm relaxed!
- I have wedding gifts.
- Yeah, okay, sure.
- Yeah.
- Ders, you're first up,
and tell me how you like it.
- I think those
are my headphones.
Why are they covered with...
- With... well, they're shells
and various, uh,
things from the sea because...
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I know how much
he likes water.
- Blake, I don't want to hear
the ocean.
I want to hear Robert Kelly.
I want to hear Ne-Yo.
I want to hear Usher!
I don't want to hear the ocean!
Jesus.
- Wow, he has horrible taste
in music.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
This wasn't even
the best gift.
I made you the best gift
'cause you're my favorite.
- I'm gonna close my eyes.
- What do you think?
- You ruined
my fucking weight belt.
You destroyed it.
- Uh, well...
- You glued macaroni on it,
and then you put
you love my butthole?
- No.
- "Blake's favorite
tight butthole" is my butthole.
- You know, it's kind of big
on the Internet right now.
It's called
"reclaimed art," so...
- So you claim.
- So I claim, very good.
- Yeah.
- Well, I don't see you
giving any gifts.
- Here's my gift to you.
- Ooh, ooh, Ders!
You might want to get in here.
- Here's my gift to you.
- We got some performance art
from the genius.
- I'm gonna get
so shmacked tonight,
and that usually correlates
into us having
one of the best time
of our lifetime times,
like that time
that we partied
with Seven Mary Three...
- It wasn't...
- And that was all because of me
and my partying ways!
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right, all right.
Let's put it aside.
I can...
I can forget everything.
Now that I'm seeing the KFC,
I'm getting excited.
- Oh!
Kentucky freaking chicken, baby!
- Whoa, whoa.
- That's good, okay, I'm back.
Now I'm back.
- Hey, sorry about that.
- Let's dial it back.
We're out of dishes.
This isn't KFC, I just used
the boxes and the buckets.
Uh, this is Norwegian food.
Kjottkaker,
and then we've got
fiskesuppe,
and of course the cod tongue.
- Wha... what?
Am I on Off Their Rockers?
Is Betty White gonna walk
her old ass in here?
What is this?
- Okay.
I'm not gonna eat
any Swedish fish
unless it's
actual Swedish Fish,
the kind that you get in the bag
at the grocery store
that's delicious,
a little gummy treat.
- For the 500th time,
I'm Norwegian.
This is Norwegian food.
- Okay.
- It's totally different.
- For the first time,
you shouldn't bring in KFC
unless it's actual KFC,
not this fucking pig slop!
- Yep.
- I made all this for you guys.
I slaved all day.
The least you could say
is "tusen takk,"
which is "a thousand thanks"
in Norwegian.
- Hmm.
- How about no takks?
Zero takks for you!
I want real, American,
delicious meats!
- There's Nor-way
I'm gonna eat this!
- Hey!
- Norway fucking sucks!
Kentucky rules!
- Food fight!
- Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, well,
we're out of food.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Aah!
- Why don't you go get shmacked
loco somewhere, you bitch?
- Oh, I will, 'cause
if I wasn't getting shmacked,
not one loco thing would ever
happen to either of you!
- Ho-ho!
Who said we want it, man?
Oh! You're lucky I don't shmack
the loco out of your face!
- You know what, if we didn't go
to college together,
I probably wouldn't even
be friends with you now.
And I gave you a gift!
The gift of my talent.
- Talent?
Please, you bitch!
You're a medium talent at best!
- Oh, you're a bitch.
- Aah!
- Yeah, well,
I would have new friends.
I'd have friends
like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
if I didn't know you guys!
- You know what, DeMamp?
You should think
about quitting drinking.
Yeah, 'cause you're
starting to get fat.
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I take that back.
You are a legitimate fat dude.
- Yeah.
- You take that back right now.
- You are a chubby bitch.
Fat as John Candy
and not half as cool.
- Suck my lamp!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- You tried to murder me!
- Yeah, I tried to murder you!
- Oh, now I'm taking it
to the next level!
- Aah!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Okay.
Truce, truce, truce!
- Truce.
- Truce.
- Truce.
- Okay.
Uh, that got very real.
- That got pretty real.
- We got out of hand.
If you guys want to start
cleaning up, I'll go get dinner.
I'll pay for it.
A couple spicy Italians
and a cold cut combo?
- It's double meat,
double cheese.
And what,
you think buying dinner's
gonna get you out of this?
This is your TV.
And, Blake,
you tried to murder me.
I think maybe you should be
the one cleaning up.
- I'm not cleaning up the TV,
and a matter of fact,
I don't even know
if I can stay here tonight
because I don't
feel comfortable
being in the same house
as you two.
- Yep.
- I'm out of here.
- No, I-I'm out of here.
- I'm out of here first.
I actually said it back there,
and you guys didn't hear me.
- What?
- What? No, I said...
- Yeah, I said it first.
- No, I said it first.
- Okay, so we're all
out of here.
- ♪ You gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Come on.
- Ugh, it stinks.
- Yeah.
- Were you making Indian food?
- Nah.
That's just how it smells.
- Well, regardless, thanks
for letting me crash here.
You know, you've always
appreciated me,
unlike Ders and Adam.
- Honestly,
I could use the company.
I had a rough week.
I forgot to pick up
Alice's dry cleaning,
and she smushed coffee cake
into my ear.
There's still some, like,
cinnamon crumbles.
- Well, you know
what always cheers me up?
- Huh?
- I crack open a cold one.
I turn some Ying Yang Twins
on the old Pandora station,
and I do some artsin'
and craftin'.
- Oh.
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Oh, show's back on.
Okay.
Here's my bitch, right here.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
I got a lot of money
riding on this dog show.
There we go!
- Go, bitch.
- Is that my hat?
I know that is.
That is my hat, man.
Why you take it from me, man?
- The park is closed!
The park is closed.
Read the sign.
Those are the rules.
- Hey, we got a new rule.
Shut the fuck up.
- Oh, sounds like somebody's
fluent in the language of cuss.
Doesn't impress me, buddy.
- Oh, you just violated
the new rule
of shutting the fuck up.
- Okay, well,
if that's the rule,
then you violated it
by telling it to me.
Don't tangle with the king,
all right?
I know what I'm doing,
all right?
Now, hand over the beers.
I know you guys are underage.
Stop slamming.
- Then I'm taking this one.
I want you guys out of here
by the time I'm done
taking my night dump,
or I'm calling the cops.
- Oh, my gosh.
The police?
- The 5-0.
- Oh, okay.
- All right?
- Hey, why you walking
like that, man?
You got something
stuck up there?
Super dookie!
- Get out of here.
I'm a quick shit.
- Whoa!
What is this, pool?
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
Felt, wood.
Sticks, balls.
Nice.
You guys want to chug
some beers with me?
- Free beers?
- Yeah, I brought 'em over.
I was like,
"These dudes look cool.
"I want to be best friends
with them and hang out with them
all the time."
Chugging beers
with my friends.
Whoo!
Getting shmacked!
Getting loco.
We livin' that loco life.
50 more beers for my friends
who I love now
and not for my friends
who I don't love now.
I love you, dudes.
You guys are cool.
- Well, well, well.
Aren't you
a rowdy little bear cub?
- Rowdy roddy bear hug.
Coming at you!
- Whoa!
Oh, you're way stronger
than I am.
- Hey, buddy.
- You're way stronger than I am.
- Hey, you got to bring it down
a little bit.
People are trying to watch
the game here.
Yeah, okay, no, I will.
Oh, I'll listen
to everything you say 'cause
of your imposing voice... oh!
- All right, you're done.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Watch out, man, come on.
I got beers back at my place.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go back
to his place.
I don't want to be
in this stupid place.
Let's go!
Let's go!
- Come on, you little bitch.
- Ooh, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum.
And here are those fajitas
that you demanded of me...
- The Weimaraner?
Are you shitting me?
No!
- Uh, what's happening?
- I put 400 bucks
on the schnauzer to take it all,
and he fucking took
a dump mid-trot.
- Oh.
- That's gonna cost us the win!
Who does that?
- Okay.
All right, all right,
all right.
Maybe, maybe...
Hear me out.
Maybe this will cheer you up,
okay?
I made a little something
for you to,
you know, say thank you
for letting me stay here.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I just arts
and crafted something.
- Yeah?
- I hope you like it.
I kind of made some adjustments
in the br... bra area,
the chest area.
- That's my favorite dress.
- Right?
- My Korean mom gave it to me!
You ruined it!
- I wouldn't say I ruined it.
I kind of reinterpreted it.
A lot of girls
are doing it on Tumblr.
- You just
reinterpreted garbage.
- Wha... whoa!
Okay!
- You reinterpret this,
you piece of shit!
You touch one more thing
in this house,
and I will fucking cut
your hands off.
- Yep.
- I'm going to bed!
- Yep.
Sweet dreams.
- I said no sour cream.
- Oh...
No, no.
Oh.
- Tonight you sleep
in the tub,
like an asshole would.
- Well, it's, uh...
It's only 6:30.
- Occupied!
Someone's in here.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Police!
- What the hell?
- New rule!
No shits after 5:00!
- Oh, no, no!
Oh, no, no!
No!
Oh, blue dookie!
- Somebody take a picture!
Dude, take a picture.
Hey, shut up!
We're trying to take
a picture!
- Can't believe you carried me
all the way home, man.
You're strong.
Want some bed beer?
Blake loved bed beers.
- Oh, was Blake your partner?
- Yeah.
He's my partner.
At least he was.
We lived together
for seven years.
We were basically married.
Yeah. I've been there.
All right.
- Oh!
Is that your hard dick?
Yeah.
- Your dick is hard right now?
- Yeah, it is.
- Wow.
It is 2:00 a.m.,
and your penis is already hard?
You get morning wood this early?
That is incredible.
You're like a superhero.
- When did you guys break up?
A couple of hours ago.
- Okay, wow.
Uh, yeah, this is a...
This is a bad idea.
I'm just gonna go jerk off.
- Okay.
Well, you didn't need
to tell me that, dude.
That's something you just
kind of keep to yourself.
- ♪ Only darkness ♪
♪ I'm alone with you
inside the pond ♪
♪ Sinking under ♪
♪ And the sun flies by,
meanwhile you're gone ♪
- Hey, Blake.
Sorry about earlier.
I was, you know, being so...
- Crazy.
- No!
I was gonna say "tipsy"!
I'm not crazy!
What's crazy about me, Blake?
Huh?
Is this crazy?
- I meant tips...
- Welcome to Motel Jillian!
We leave the shower on.
Lights off!
- Just buy it.
Just buy it.
- Can you not type
so loud, dude?
- I'm not... shh, shut up,
I'm talking to someone.
- Hey, some of the phones
are acting spotty,
so we have a tech guy
coming through to check it out.
- That's great to know.
Yeah, and I want you to know
that I had probably the best
night of my life last night.
Yeah, you know?
It was full of laughter
and funny situations.
It was like living in an episode
of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.
- Hmm.
- Cool.
I also had one of the best times
of my life last night.
It was so much fun!
Oh, my God!
It was like an episode
of California Dreaming.
- It's cool that you guys
had TV show nights.
I had a movie night.
It was like Bebe's Kids.
- Why don't you Quantum Leap
back on the phones?
- That was good actually.
- So why don't we just
take this lease,
rip it up, move out?
- I'd love that.
- Mm, I'd love that more.
- Okay, well, fine,
then why don't we go back
to the house after work?
We'll split up the security
deposit, and then that's it.
- I'd love that.
- Okay.
- I'd love that more.
- Well, then why don't
you marry it, Adam?
- Maybe I will this time!
- Fine, but it's not gonna
be very good
'cause you're not
a great husband.
I've experienced it.
- I can't wait to never see you
guys ever again starting now.
- Split up our belongings,
and then we just...
We'll move out... oh!
- What the freakin' heck
was that?
- Oh, my God, that is a mouse
with a rat face and a rat tail.
- Oh!
- Ooh.
- It's like Fievel Goes...
Oh, my God!
- Dude, go, go!
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God.
You guys, we're not gonna
get our security deposit back
with those things
running around in there.
- Falcon punch!
- Oh!
Oh, yeah!
All: Dip forward and back
and kick and...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Aah!
- Whoo!
- We are the rat busters!
That was awesome.
I was like, aah!
The one...
The one eye popped out,
and I saw you,
you were like, "Kaboosh!"
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just kabooshed it so hard.
- Thank you.
- Ders, you got a squadoosh.
I saw that.
- Yeah, I did.
- That was awesome... I love
being maniacs with you guys.
- Pretty good last adventure.
Last one.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- Frickin' hate you dudes.
You guys suck.
Oh, fuck you.
- You're a bitch.
- Yeah, you're a bitch.
- You're a bitch too.
- If I saw you in the streets,
I'd be like,
"Let's gun this dude down.
I hate him."
- Shut up.
- I hate you.
- Shut up, bitch.
- You shut up.
Another rat!
Final adventure extended!
- Okay!
- Here we go!
- Whoo!
- Oh, okay, yep.
- Gross! Ew!
- No, that is a...
that's a nest.
That's what they call
a rat nest, and it is huge.
- They're all just in there,
just fucksing,
just humping on top
of each other.
- What should we do?
- Well, let's just,
uh, go get shmacked, right,
and assume that someone else
will take care of this.
- No!
Hey, look.
- Yep.
- This is our problem.
We're gonna step up,
and it's gonna happen by Blake
coming up with one
of your creative, crazy ideas
to get those rats out of here
and into some kind of box
or container.
- I don't know, guys. I just...
- Come on.
- Oh, I am a freakin'
full-grown baby genius.
I got it, yeah.
A pizza suit.
Put a bunch of pizza
on this... on a suit,
and then the rats all come to it
and they... and they ge...
They start eating it...
- Oh, that's good.
- And then while they're
eating it, you strip it off,
and you...
you put it on the...
the slingshot from
American Gladiate-Ders, right?
- Oh, that's good!
- Yes! Ders, yeah.
- And then we launch it
into space!
- Yeah, or at least
the neighbor's yard.
- Yeah, exactly, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Now I guess all we got to find
is somebody loco enough to get
in that suit, right?
- Exactly.
- My cousin Danny's loco.
At family barbecues, he'll take
his penis out and put it
in a hot dog bun
and will walk around to my aunt
and be like...
"Are you hungry
for some sausages?"
And he's not even British.
- Okay, yeah.
That's loco.
I was referring to you,
though.
- You guys think I'm loco?
- Yeah.
Well, I would be honored.
- All right.
- All right.
- Don't do the accent,
though.
- Okay, well, then I would be...
I would be honored.
- Cool.
- Yeah, okay.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- They're biting
through my suit!
Oh, I can feel their teeth!
Oh, God! Oh, man!
- I can't...
I can't get
to the zipper, man.
Okay, wiggle out! Wiggle out!
- I can't,
I think my shoulders
are too muscular!
- Yep.
- Oh, God!
They're pooping and biting me!
- Oh, my God, look at...
His balls are huge!
- I can't get
to the zipper, man!
- Oh, God.
- Hey! Whoa, okay!
They're biting.
They are biting.
- Oh, God!
- Adam, if you die in that suit,
at least
you're shmacked and loco.
- You guys are my best friends!
Please help me save my life!
- Look, man, I'm sorry.
I-I missed you guys!
I tried to text you last night.
I wussed out.
- I wanted to text you too.
I'll admit it.
I'm a bitch-ass
who loves my friends!
I'm a bitch-ass!
Okay, okay, okay.
I got it, I got it, I got it!
- Here, put it in the basket!
- Ow! Ow!
Get it, get it! Ow!
- Get it in!
All: One, two, three.
Three!
Oh!
- I think they're mostly gone.
I think we did it.
- Yeah?
- No, there's one.
- Huh?
- Rat splat!
All: Oh!
- Oh, direct hit.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, his melon just...
Oh, it just... that exploded.
- Rat blood in my eyes.
- Okay.
- That was disgusting.
- Ooh.
- Once again,
pretty good last adventure,
boys.
- Whoo!
Killer.
- Don't have to make this
the last one, though, right?
- Yeah.
- I think I got a...
another dude adventure in me.
- I mean,
let's... let's continue
being friends
until I die of rabies.
- All right. Dude husband.
- All right.
Yeah, dude husbands!
- Dude husbands.
- It might be soon.
We might all have rabies.
- Yeah, we might
all have rabies and die.
- We do.
- First things first.
Dude anniversary dinner.
- Okay.
All right, I'm starting.
Anders the giant.
And Adam.
- Yeah.
- You are my Spice World.
- That was a good flick.
- Sure.
- And I want you both to know,
if I ever get a lover,
she's gonna have to get
with my friends first.
- Mm.
- Zig-a-zig-ah!
- Sporty Spice made me wear
a sports bra for six months.
- Pretty cool, cheers.
- All right.
- I'll cheers to that.
- I was inspired.
- Cheers.
- Also, I was obese.
I was an obese child.
- I'll take you any way
you are.
- You guys are my family.
- Mm-hmm.
- Until, like, I meet a super
hot babe and just impregnate her
a ton with, like,
ten little babies
with great hairlines
and/or dope titties.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, yes.
All: Cheers.
- And may any child who tips
over a man in a Porta-Potty
be publicly executed.
Am I right?
Okay?
- Very Iraq-ish.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, cheers.
- Imagine if it happened
to you, though.
- Hey, guys.
I'm gonna fuck
this dude upstairs,
so if you guys want to fuck
down here, that's cool,
or if you want
to fuck upstairs,
we can all fuck together,
all right?
We can have
a little group thing.
It'll be fun.
- Cool, thanks, Trevor.
- Now get up there!
Get up there!
- Uh, how'd you meet this guy?
- I met him at the bar.
- Mm.
- I'm getting
kind of a gay vibe, though.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, whatever, let's eat.
- Let's eat.
- Let's dig in.
- Oh, that's good.
- Mmm, that's good.
All: Mmm.
- Nice!
You can use 'em as a spoon.
- I'm sorry?
- You can use 'em as a spoon.
- Oh, okay.
- They do chicken right,
don't they?
All: Mmm.
- And I am just transported
to Kentucky.