Workaholics (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 11 - Booger Nights - full transcript

I have a great Aunt
who lived to be, like, 129.

Oh, cool, that's physically
impossible, so nuts.

No, Derch, physics have
nothing to do with it.

- She was a human hero.
- Well, how'd she die?

Gunfire... cops shot her.

- Oh.
- What?

Yeah.

- Whoa, what the fug?
- You have 20 minutes

to clean this up.

What?
We didn't do this.

- What are these, capes?
- All right, who was it?



Your mama.

Waymond, you're being
uncharacteristically quiet.

Did you do this to us?
Is this your doing?

'cause if you did,
we're gonna come back at you...

So hard.

That's right, 'cause anybody
who comes at us...

Know that we come back at you
twice as hard.

- Preach.
- That's right.

You want us to come hard?
You got us to come hard!

- So seriously guys...
- I come hard in my sleep!

All right, all right.
Waymond...

I will shit on you!

Here's the deal.
Waymond, you gotta fess up,

unless you want three dudes
on top of you coming hard.



- In three, two...
- Bazinga!

- You guys do this?
- B-rad is back, baby, yes!

- Oh, he's coming up top.
- Yeah, get him out of here.

There we go.
There we go.

- Yeah.
- Oh, we're giving birth.

Giving birth to a B-rad.
There he is.

- All right, man!
- There he is.

Everybody, dust him off.

B-rad, it's good to see you, man.

- You're looking pretty fit.
- Looking good, dude.

What are you doing in town?

Also, why'd you
come at me so hard, bro?

You came at us so hard
with all these popcorn... s.

It was a joke, you bitch!

- Whoa. Shots fired.
- I'm in town

to do a ride-along with the police,

'cause I'm writing a cop novel.

- Cool.
- Wow.

- Gritty stuff.
- I bet, dude.

But Alice wanted me
to stop by for the roast.

- Roast? What roast?
- Yeah.

Oh, Monday is Bill's

20th anniversary
of working at Telamericorp,

so we're roasting him.

- Cool. Yeah.
- Oh, nice.

All right, so, like,
how many snaps should we write?

Yeah, can we work blue?
Can we cuss?

And also, who's Bill?

Oh, actually, Alice said

you guys don't get to do the roast.

- Really?
- Uh, why wouldn't

the three funniest guys
in the office be roasting him?

You're not funny.

I'm not funny?
Me?

Adam, "The... The Laugh Ki...
The Laugh... uh...

Giver" Demamp.

Mm-hmm.

I know all 101 sick jokes
for twisted kids.

Oh, Alice,
you want to know the difference

between a pile of dead babies
and a pile of sand?

I don't eat sand.

Fine. Whatever.

- You'll let us roast?
- Yes.

Yes! Nice.

- Yes.
- So cool. I got this thing...

Hey, you honestly
don't think I'm funny?

Just me,
not talking about those guys.

You've honestly never said
one thing I have ever found

at all funny, bro.

What do you know about funny?

Chicks aren't funny.
Dudes are funny.

Hangover 2 rules.
Bridesmaids drools.

I don't care what anybody says.

We're the funniest people
in this office.

- Funnier than that dad.
- I'm funnier than she is.

Got a subscription
to "Suicide Illustrated!"

Wait.

Now Bill is trying to get a snack?

Bill! You still gonna end up
eating what you always eat.

Your big-ass boogers in your nose!

Hey, you know,
I see what you're doing, Bill.

He's trying to make jokes
about you, but it's, uh...

it's "snot" funny.

It... it is... it's snot funny.

- Snot.
- I said "snot,"

because the boogers...
With the snot.

- Hey, uh...
- What the...

Bill's so bald, right?
He looks like he, uh...

like he's a cancer patient!

Death bed!

This dude, um, he's a human...

One time, I seen that motherfucker
dookie in his drawers!

Dookie! Dookie!

♪ dookie in your drawers, Bill,
dookie in your draw... ♪

You know, maybe Montez is right.

Maybe I'm not an hysterical dude.

- Hey!
- I won't listen to it.

You are funny, okay?

No one has given me
more laughs in this world

- than this guy.
- Yeah.

Adam "the laugh giver" Demamp.

Yep.

- Thank you.
- I mean, sure, Montez has

- broad appeal, right?
- Sure.

We'll give him that.
But I'm sorry...

I have a more refined, dry,
British sense of humor,

a la the funniest movie
of all time, Austin Powers.

- No.
- Oh, please! Funniest movie of all time,

no questions, Wayne's World One.

No, sir.

You guys like the big blockbusters.

That's cool. That's fine.
Me, personally...

indie comedy.

That's what I'm into.

I'm talking about Indian comedy.

Very, very, very hot right now.

Love Guru?
That's the future of comedy.

You guys are out of your minds.

I hope I'm not interrupting
a circle jerk.

- No, we were just...
- We're not circle-jerking.

Although this would be
the room to do it in.

Where the weed at?
Bring it, baby. Bring it.

- He's back.
- Party beast.

What are you dick gymnasts
squawking about, anyway?

Oh, man, I don't know.

We just want to be the stars

of the roast, but that Montez guy...

- he has so many snaps.
- Yeah.

- 'tez is a cartoon character.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't find him funny.

Yeah, I mean, t-these people...

they're not gonna understand
my party tricks.

I've got party tricks.
I have this one where I eat

60 ketchup packets,
and then I don't vomit.

I will tell you the secret
to a good roast.

Know your target, inside and out,

- and then hit 'em where it hurts!
- Whoa.

- I thought he was gonna hit me.
- He's right.

Montez knows Bill
way better than we do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but he knows work Bill.

He doesn't know the real Bill,
weekend Bill.

We gotta get to know weekend Bill.

Weekend Bill.

We've gotta get to know weekend Bill.

Wait, who's Bill, again?

{pub}The reason Wayne's World works...

- Guys, think I can touch this?
- I know your mouth is moving,

but it's weird
that you're not saying anything.

- I touched that.
- It's about real dudes.

Comedy is not about jokes.

Did you guys see
how I just touched that?

- It's about shedding light...
- It's like ten feet in the air.

- And Austin Powers does that.
- Here, shh! Here it is.

- Come on.
- Number eight.

♪ ♪

Holy yoga, dude!
He's a yoga dude.

Oh, we can destroy him.
No one likes yoga dudes.

♪ Guru! ♪

Dude, it funny because, like,
girls do yoga, and he's a guy,

- and he's doing yoga.
- Yeah, that is why it's funny.

- Right?
- Yeah, we're really finding,

you know, the depth of the comedy.

- We're really digging deep.
- Right. What's he doing...

Now, though?

- Oh, my God.
- Naked yoga.

What?

Oh, my God, he's a "naked yoga" guy.

Wait, is he...
God, he's sucking it.

Yes! We're gonna skewer him
with this!

Ugh.

You really think we can make
fun of him for this?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What are you talking about?
This is amazing.

He's like a superhero.
We can't reveal his superpowers.

I'm sorry. Does this not
come across to you as just

the gayest thing you've ever seen?

I think it's gay
not to sip your own tip.

That means you don't like
blow jobs that much,

and that's, like,
the gayest thing in the world.

Right.

Uh, guys, I think he's about to...

okay, let's take a lap.
Let's take a lap.

Oh, God, he's in there.

What's he doing?

I know exactly what that is.

It's medical cream for eczema,
without a doubt.

Okay, so he's a street performer
with eczema.

- This is... Sad.
- This is great!

We have so much good stuff
for the roast.

What? What's funny
about unlimited self-blow jobs

and getting paid to do the robot?

Nothing.

I'm jealous of this dude.

We're coming up dry.

We can't make fun of him for this.

I'm not doing this again, dude.

Just tell me what you want.

Jesus Christ!
Okay, fine, ham?

Is that what you want?

Oh, no, this is just depressing.

Yeah, I'm sad too...

Mostly hungry, actually.

Yeah.
Ders, go order a pizza.

They don't serve pizza here.

It's a sandwich place.

Do you think
they'll deliver pizza here,

like, if we order from a pizza place?

Do you have a punch card?

You punched this yourself,
didn't you?

All right, you know what?
Get out. We're done.

Beat it.

Don't take that sandwich!
I will call the cops!

Hey, hang on a second,
hang on a second.

I'll pay for his food.
Look, he's...

He's my dad, so I'm very embarrassed.

I'm sure your dad's embarrassed
you from time to time.

No, he hasn't.
He's... he has great judgment.

He would never do
something like this.

You've been following me all day?

Eh, since, like, 9:00 a.m.

So you saw me...?

Mm-hmm.

Yes. You've gotta teach me
how to do that.

Believe me, you don't
wanna go down that road.

It's the only road I want to go down.

Anyway, look,

we're just looking for dirt on you,

so we can beat Montez at roasting.

I hate this stupid roast.
I already know I'm a loser.

I don't need the whole office
telling me so.

- You got a bunch of...
- Montez is ruthless.

- I don't even want to go.
- Whoa, whoa, okay.

That means we don't get to roast.

Bill, what you're forgetting
here is that...

You're the guest of honor, right?

- Yeah.
- So you get the last word.

We can take Montez down together.

Yep.

What about that dickhead Jet Set?

You teach me how to...

Myself, and we've got a deal.

Well, you gotta be big.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Holy Moly.

♪ O'er the land-uh ♪

♪ of the free-uh ♪

♪ and that fucking Bill's gay-uh ♪

And I'm out.
Have fun roasting this bald pig.

Great job, Bradley!

Who's Bradley?
I'm Tony Clifton, you asshole.

- Wake up!
- Oh!

Bill treat his nose
like the hometown buffet!

What's the worst job in the world?

Being Bill's pants, 'cause you know

you're gonna get dookied on!

He has a booger pasta bar,
a booger dessert bar,

a booger serving station...

Yes, Bill, you look like
a goddamn child molester.

Bill be picking his boogers
like he Orville Redenbacher.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

I got three words for you, brother.

Wash your stinkin' ass!

Okay, our next roasters wanted
to do it as a threesome.

And they also wanted
to perform together.

All right, let's give it up
for Adam, Anders, and Blake!

- Whoo!
- Shagadelic!

Do I make you Randy, baby?

Shwing!

Tickle, tickle, break the pickle.

Excellent.

We were listening out there,

you know, and you guys were

roasting Bill pretty hard.

And he's my mate,

so I'm here to tell you
to behave, baby, yeah!

All right.

We're not worthy
of such a great co-worker.

We're not worthy!
We're not worthy!

I got it.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mari-ska Hargitay!

Y'all stop!

Tickle, tickle, break the pickle.

You already did this.

- Hey, come on.
- Ow!

That hurt my ankle.

Have you guys really not seen
Love Guru?

It's a funny, funny movie.

- Mike Myers is in it.
- Yeah, Wayne's World One.

It's, like,
one of the biggest comedies

- of, like, the early mid-2000s.
- All right, all right, look.

We're sorry you don't like

our characters, but we're funny guys.

And we followed Bill this weekend.

And guess what he does
on the weekend?

He paints himself silver like a robot

and goes on the street
and begs for money.

And then... and then we also
caught him stealing a sandwich,

because he's that poor, guys.

This isn't what we planned.
What are you doing?

It's all true. It's all true.
We followed him.

And guess what we saw?

We saw this broke-ass fool
suck his own dick!

What?

- He's good at it.
- That's hilarious.

Enough!

You guys said you were on my side!

- Sure, whatever, man.
- They love it, man.

You're right.
My life is a joke.

But I have news for you!

Oh!

This is where the joke ends!

{pub}- Okay. All right.
- Oh, God! Oh, God!

All right, everybody in the corner!

Let's go! Let's go!

Cell phones in here!

I don't want anyone ruining
my big day!

Hey, Bill, what are you doing?

Okay, please, just put the gun down.

You heard the lady.
Put it down.

Or what?

You're making a big mistake, man.

Don't do something
you're gonna regret, man.

Something I regret?
I regret my entire life!

What?

A good-looking guy like yourself?

No, no, no!
Please don't kill me!

I wish this was all a dream!

Doodle-ooh, doodle-ooh, doodle-ooh.

Stop, stop, I got this.
Look, okay...

Bill, if anyone knows what it's
like to be picked on, it's me.

My father was
a relentlessly self-improving

boulangerie owner from Belgium
with low-grade narcolepsy

and a penchant for buggery.

Shut up and help me
lock this place down,

- Mr. Powers.
- Okay, all right.

Okay, his back's turned.
Let's do this.

- Do what?
- Roll on him!

Grab the gun
and bring him to justice.

Get my reward.

Don't... oh, don't be stupid.

Too late.

Welcome to staples center...
Bitch.

Aah!

- Oh, gosh!
- Come with me!

Now!

Good-bye...

Forever.

Adam.

Turn around!

- They bought it, right?
- Oh, totally!

Oh, I'm sorry I did
the stapler thing.

I just felt... I really felt like
that was in the moment,

- you know?
- No, no, that was good.

It sold it.
It was hilarious.

- It did sell it, right?
- Yeah!

I was feeling it!
It was incredible.

Ders and Blake did a good job too.

Like, we can't forget about them.

You did great!

Okay, so what's next?

All right, everybody just be calm.

Adam's probably in there
telling Bill to turn himself in.

It's gonna be over soon.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.

What have you done?

Anyone else wanna be a hero?

You need help, man.
Bill, let us help you.

- You want to help me?
- Yes, Bill.

Maybe you should have thought of that

before you said I ate my boogers!

Bill, I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.

- It was a roast.
- Then show me you're sorry.

I want you to pick
every nose here and eat it,

one by one!

What?
Come on, Bill.

Dude, eat their boogers!

He's not messing around.
He just killed Adam.

Bill, sir,
if Montez does what you say,

will you let us all live?

He eats every booger,
and I'll consider it.

Okay.

Why don't you start with Waymond?

He looks a little stuffy.

Come on, Bill.
Put the gun down, Bill.

Montez, save a life.
Eat a booger.

I'm sorry, Waymond.

I can't... ugh.

Oh.

Oh, God, he's eating it.

Oh, I can't...

you know what would
make this perfect?

If Jet shits his pants...

- Hell, no!
- While you're digging for gold.

Everybody wins!

Bill, no!
Don't make him do it.

Never question my authority,

unless you want everyone to die.

Let me do it for him.
I'll shit my pants right now!

- Whoa, uh, no, J-Jillian...
- Okay.

Just let him handle his thing.
Thank you, though.

- No, I have it in me right now.
- You're very brave.

Think about what you doing
right now, Bill.

Stop this.

I am thinking!
Do it!

Oh, God.

I can't. I can't. I can't.

Eat it!

I can't. I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't. I can't.

Okay, everyone,
I have an announcement!

- This whole thing...
- Bill, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Uh, before you make
that announcement,

you had something else
you wanted to say, remember?

You wanted Ders here

to admit that Wayne's World
is a better movie

than Austin Powers,
or he'll kill him!

- I did?
- Yes, you did.

Okay, sure, uh...

Say what Blake said,
or I'll kill you!

Yeah.

Well, then I guess
you're gonna have to kill me,

because that's a goddamn lie,
and I don't lie.

I will admit that it blows
Love Guru out of the water.

Wayne's World
is better than Love Guru.

- I'll say that.
- Well, obviously.

That's really not saying
anything, okay?

Because Wayne's World
is better than Austin Powers

- and Love Guru combined.
- Oh-ho!

- It has the funniest lines!
- You know what?

I feel like I'm surrounded
by freakin' idiots.

- No way. Way!
- Shh! Shh!

- No way. Way!
- Shh!

Camera one, camera two.
Camera one, camera two.

- Stop! Sto...
- Praise Buddha.

I am reincarnated.

I am once again the Love Guru!

What in the fuck?

I can't believe you would talk
trash on another man's comedy

when he's not even in the room...
very Wayne move of you.

- Bill, shoot Wayne in the face.
- I wouldn't even call your

movie a comedy, really.

- Justin Timberlake?
- Oh, my God.

That man is a quadruple threat.

- He's a singer.
- He is so... so many threats.

He's not a comedic actor.
He's a dancer.

I'm threatened by so many...

- on the floor, now!
- Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

- It was a mistake!
- It was a joke! It was a joke!

{pub}- Don't move!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

This is all just a misunderstanding.
Alright?

We're just trying to be funny,
but guys,

this one was not as funny
as we thought it was.

That's right.
It wasn't very at all.

But this is...

It was a joke, you bitch!

What the fug?

These guys are my SWAT army.

Thanks guys, worked like a charm.

Good luck on your book, B-rad.

Sounds like some real gritty stuff.

I know, I'm running it!

Bill called me last night

to make sure your little performance
didn't get him into any trouble.

I'm sorry.

- You're such a loser.
- Wow, OK Bill.

And you know what's weird?

As I seem to remember someone saying:
"Chicks aren't funny".

God, I love you.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

None of this was funny at all.

You'd have me eat Jet Set's boogers.
Now, is that anything?

And this poor bastard got dookie
in his pants.

I don't mind.

Plus, this was a good cause.
Congratulations, Bill.

I gotta go.
Can't stand all that mess on me.

Good night, my dudes.

Good night, babe.

Come to papa!

My back!