Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 9 - 2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Antonio, what are you doing?
Selling my most
valuable possessions.
I have some unexpected
cab repairs this month.
Could not send money
home to Italy.
I didn't know you did that.
Ah, yes, it is a tradition
in my family for the eldest son
to help support his father.
Oh, aren't traditions wonderful?
You feel like you're
part of history somehow.
I think familial ties like that
give you such a warm--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty words,
but papa just wants his cash.
Antonio, if you need money,
I'd be more than happy
to make you a loan.
No, Fay, I appreciate the offer,
but, uh, I am a Scarpacci,
and Scarpaccis
don't accept charity.
It is--
It is a matter of dignity.
See? Excus-- Uh--
Get your reindeer hat here.
Beat the holiday rush.
Amuse your friends.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
I'll never have enough money
to send to my father.
Oh, Scarpacci, quit complaining.
Your lucky. At least your dad's
an ocean away.
My mom is right down the road
at that old folks home.
Or, as I like to call it,
"Seizures Palace."
That's terrible.
I'll tell you what's terrible,
the fact she's going
to be staying with me
for three days
while they paint her room.
Oh, I hope I can distract her
on the drive home,
I'd hate for her
to learn the way.
You know, Fay,
I hope this works.
Otherwise I will have to start
selling my blood.
LOWELL:
Ah.
Selling your blood, Antonio?
That's crazy-talk.
Oh, absolutely.
Big money's in organs.
You know,
just sell one
of whatever you have two of.
You got your lungs, kidneys,
you get the picture.
Oh, um, Joe.
Brian called from Boston,
he said he's bringing in
an old friend of yours
from highschool: Sandy Cooper.
Oh, no.
Oh, great.
Who's Sandy Cooper?
She's--
Oh, no, Joe, don't even--
What? Start what?
She was nuts.
You want to know
who Sandy Cooper is?
Not a lot,
I was just being polite.
She was this mousey girl
with spooky eyes
who had an insane crush on me.
I mean--
She was obsessed.
She followed me home practically
every day from school.
Did not.
Did too.
And she came to every one
of my baseball games,
sat in the front row,
and took pictures of me.
Did not.
She did too.
And, I swear to you,
one day she came up
behind me in Study Hall,
and cut off a lock of my hair.
Oh, good, Joe.
Blame a bad haircut on Sandy.
You believe me, don't you?
I believe someone
was obsessed with you.
Thank you.
Sounds like it was you.
You know,
when I was a stewardess
I was once involved
in a similar situation
with a frequent flier.
It was quite an infatuation.
And what did you do about it?
Nothing.
He got a restraining order
and I had to stay away.
Listen, Helen,
when Sandy asks about me,
just tell her I'm dead.
Heh-heh,
like that's going to stop her.
Sandy!
BRIAN:
Hey, everybody,
look who I found, eh?
Oh, my God, Helen Chapel?
Hi, girl.
You look terrific.
Thanks.
Hi, Joe, how are you?
Well, I'm doing pretty--
Helen!
You look so...
"Not fat anymore?"
( giggles )
Yeah.
You're a rail, you're a stick.
My God, you could be a model.
Oh, God, please.
Go ahead.
BRIAN:
Hey, hey.
You'll never guess what
our Sandy's been doing,
she's a prosecuting attorney
in Chicago.
Really?
So, Sandy, what brings you
back to Nantucket
after all these years?
I came to visit my parents.
HELEN:
I hope we can all get together
before you leave.
I'm free tonight.
Well, uh, Club Car, 8:00?
Perfect, I'll see you then.
All right.
Uh, uh, I won't be there,
I've gotta check on some stuff
that I haven't checked on since
the last time I checked on it.
Well, that's too bad.
I'll see you guys later.
Great.
Okay.
Bye.
Have fun.
So sweet, look at her.
I know, looks great.
Man, what did I tell you?
That woman is certifiable.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm missing something here.
Oh, Joe still thinks
that she's after him.
Come on, are you telling me
you didn't see it?
The way that she hugged Helen
and she purposely didn't hug me?
She didn't hug me either.
That's just how devious she is.
Okay. Sure.
What-- Oh, oh, oh--
Come on, are you trying to tell
me you don't remember
the bizarre nicknames
she used to have for me?
"Scooter."
"Dimples."
"Liza" with a Z.
No, no. "Joey Bear."
Like "teddy bear"
only with "Joe."
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Okay, Mom,
I'll get you some new toast.
Now, don't throw that--
Mom!
Mom says she wants
her toast blacker
and that your chili
doesn't have enough kick.
I practically used
a whole bottle of Tabasco.
What kind of breakfast
is this anyway?
You're right.
Skip the chili,
just give her another beer.
( horn blares )
Be right there.
Ever since I took her
to that Patriots game,
I cannot pry that thing
out of her bony little hand.
( horn blares )
( angrily ):
Coming, mother.
Oh, good, you're here.
So, uh, fill me in.
What happened last night?
Well, that depends.
What are we talking about?
Your dinner with Sandy
at the Club Car,
she did ask about me, right?
Well, let's see.
Your name came up,
counting the times
we brought it up...
( imitates adding numbers )
...never.
You know, even if Sandy did have
a crush on you in high school,
it's been 15 years.
And take it from someone
who knows,
you're not that hard
to get over.
( both chuckle )
Great. Fine. Laugh.
Guys,
you want to come in here
for a second?
( gasping )
"Joey Bear.
Till death do us part."
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
What did I tell you?
Sandy is crazy.
Now, maybe you'll
believe me now.
Yeah, maybe Joe's right.
This is pretty weird.
Wait, wait, let's not jump
to any conclusions, okay?
This could be a suicide,
check the bear
for signs of a struggle.
Maybe we should call the police.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Because if we stand here
and do nothing,
then another innocent
stuffed toy could get whacked.
Brian...
Come on, this is not funny.
We've got to do something.
Well, no--
First things first.
I think we should notify
the bear's next of kin.
( giggling )
How can you two kid around
at a time like this?
Thank you, Helen.
A bear has died.
( giggling )
JOE:
Oh, great.
You guys did this, didn't--
No, no.
You know, I don't think
this is funny at all.
Joe, we just did this
to show you
how stupid you're being
about Sandy.
And to get a good cheap laugh
at your expense.
( giggles )
Well, I still think that that
woman is seriously disturbed.
Okay, Joe.
Maybe he's right.
Let's-- Let's leave him alone.
Hey, Joe.
I'm sorry.
And, listen,
if it helps any,
I'd be happy to call
Santa's workshop
and make
the funeral arrangements.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( horn blares )
All right, all right.
Momma, I'm back.
I got your racing form
and your cigars right here.
Lowell,
Antonio's hardly sold a thing.
Why don't you go over
and buy something?
Well, you know, I would,
but I really
don't need anything.
He's a proud man.
Go over and at least
help him retain
some vestige of his dignity.
Yeah, you're right.
Say no more, I'm on it.
Ah. Welcome.
So, uh, what have you got here,
Antonio?
Ah, well,
some very fine items.
Ah, for instance, ah,
here's a practically brand new
electric leg-hair remover.
Now, why do you have--
Found it, ah.
Yeah. Hm.
Well, let's see here.
Um...
Uh, I like your shirt.
How much?
My shirt? No, no.
Ha, ha.
My shirt is not for sale.
Now, perhaps I could interest
you in a soccer ball.
Still has a lot of bounce.
Mighty tempting, but no.
Okay, okay, well,
I-I-I might be able
to sell you my shirt,
but not for less than $25.
For this?
It's a cotton-poly blend.
Three dollars.
Fifteen.
Three dollars.
Look, this is the shirt
off my back.
Well, three dollars,
take it or leave it.
All right, all right,
I'll take it.
Take it, take it.
Take the shirt.
Hey, you know, Fay,
( sobbing )
you're right. It feels good
to give a man back his dignity.
( sobbing )
Brian, do you know if this--
Oh, God!
What is she doing here?
Would you relax?
No, I'm telling you,
she's stalking me.
Relax.
Hey.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
How was lunch?
Oh, great.
She paid.
Ah.
Well, I've got some more
stuff to do.
Joe, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine,
why wouldn't I be fine?
Joe, come on, just open up.
Just get it all out.
What? Open up what?
Tell her what?
Oh, man,
cut this nonsense with her.
You've been harboring
this for years--
All right, okay, okay, okay,
all right, okay, okay. Um.
Sandy, I guess I'm still
just a little weirded out
by that stuff you did
back in high school.
What stuff?
You followed me home from school
every single day.
Joe,
I never followed you anywhere,
I lived one block up and I guess
I walked the same way,
if that's what you mean.
Excellent, Deputy Fife,
you've cracked the case.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You came to my baseball games
with that camera.
I was a photographer
for the school paper.
Strike two.
No, I cannot be imagining this.
You came up behind me
in Study Hall
and cut off a lock of my hair.
You knew that was me?
Yes! What did I tell you?
Oh, the stupid things you'll do
to get into
a high school sorority.
A sorority?
Yeah, it was part
of the initiation.
Oh, God. So, um,
you didn't have a crush on me?
Joe, give it up.
No, no, Joe's right.
I did kinda have a crush on him.
I knew it!
But most of the girls did,
didn't you, Helen?
Uh, well, no. I didn't make that
mistake until later on in life.
While I'm confessing--
Oh, this is really
embarrassing.
--I had this idea that maybe
you'd ask me to the prom.
Can you imagine?
Aw.
Here you were, the captain
of the baseball team,
and here I was,
this tall, gawky stick
with cat's eye glasses
and braces.
Wow, you weren't gawky.
Joe, if you believed
those things about me,
no wonder you didn't
come along last night,
you must have thought
I was crazy.
Uh, no, Sandy, uh...
I'm starting to think maybe
I'm the one that was crazy.
I have obviously blown this
thing way out of proportion.
( chuckles )
I'm sorry,
I feel like such a jerk.
Well, forget it.
I just wish we'd had
this conversation last night
you missed a nice evening.
Yeah.
Well, the next time
you're in town
we've got to get together.
I am leaving in the morning,
but I have time tonight.
Oh, really? Uh.
Do you want to go to dinner?
That would be nice.
Great. Terrific.
I'll pick you up at 8.
Okay, come on.
I'll walk you out.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hey, you know...
( chuckles )
...ah, I once had a crush
on somebody in high school
and I didn't tell them either.
Oh, really? Who?
Mrs. Nash.
You were turned on
by the lunchroom lady?
I think it was the plastic
baggies on her hands.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, look,
I'm really glad we did this.
It finally gave me a chance
to get to know you.
I'm glad too.
Well, goodnight.
Goodnight.
And thank you.
( dog barking )
Joe, would you do me
one last favor
and just get the door for me?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Here, let me get this for you.
No, no, it's very heavy.
It's old law books I'm storing--
No problem.
Thank you.
( keys jingle, latch clicks )
Uh, Sandy?
Having a little trouble seeing
where I'm going,
you, uh, want to hit the lights?
( switch flicks )
You never asked me
to the prom, Joe.
Well,
we're going to the prom now.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
What's going on here, Sandy?
It's our senior prom.
Isn't it fabulous, Joe?
We're 17 again.
( laughs )
I get it.
Oh, Brian and Helen
put you up to this, didn't they.
( both laughing )
That's very funny.
Come on out, you guys.
The joke's over.
( laughs )
How long have you
been planning this?
Since June 5th, 1978.
( chuckles nervously )
Brian?
Helen?
Didn't I do a great job
of recreating the school gym?
I had to guess
about the finishing touches
since I wasn't there,
even though I was chairman
of the decoration committee.
I spent every day after school
for three months,
planning the theme,
and hanging crepe paper,
and then somebody forgot
to ask me to go!
Uh, Sandy--
I kept hoping you'd come around.
I kept hoping
right up until that night.
But you didn't.
Nah, you didn't care
that I spent
the whole night dressed
in my beautiful prom dress
sitting in front of the TV
watching Donnie and Marie
with my parents.
No, you didn't care,
'cause you had your little
trophy girlfriend
Janey Jordan.
You like the flowers, Joe?
I made them myself.
Uh, y-- Uh, yeah.
They're-- They're--
They're beautiful.
You did a really good job,
just like you did back then.
You know, I-I remember thinking:
gosh, why didn't I ask Sandy
to the prom?
You know, I thought about you
that whole night.
Really?
Big, fat liar.
Don't go away.
Don't bother, Joe.
Mr. Door is locked.
Besides,
why would you want to leave
your prom so early?
Mr. Phone doesn't work either.
That's the phone I sat next
to for three years
waiting for you to call.
How do I look?
Uh, Sandy,
maybe we could just
sit down for a minute and talk.
I said, "how do I look!"
Gorgeous.
Thank you.
Joe?
Do you know what I have
in my locket?
It's hair.
It's not just hair,
it's your hair.
Joey Bear hair.
Here.
Put this on.
No, you know, Sandy,
I really--
Put it on!
Much better, Joey Bear.
Wow, this looks
just like the jacket
I wore in high school.
It's the exact one.
I went to the rental place
the day you returned it
and bought it.
You didn't.
I did.
Oh, how handsome
you must have looked
on June 5th, 1978.
Oh, look.
This must be Janey Jordan's
lipstick on your collar.
Oh, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Sandy?
Sandy?
Thirsty, Joe?
I hope the punch isn't too warm.
It's been sitting there since--
Oh, no, don't tell me:
June 5th, 1978.
No, since this afternoon.
What do you take me for, a kook?
Try it.
Mm.
Let's put on some music.
I wanna get wild,
I want to get crazy,
I want to dance the night away.
( disco playing on record )
Let's dance.
Uh, Sandy, you know,
I really don't--
Dance!
You're not doing it the way
I pictured you would.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Do it better.
Penny for your thoughts.
Uh,
I think you're a total psycho
in need of a Prozac
about the size of a handball.
( laughs )
You always knew
how to make me laugh.
( record scratches, stops )
Time to sign the yearbooks.
( sighs )
You know, Sandy, I have had just
about enough fun for one night.
I'd really like to--
What? What, Joe?
Whatever it is, we'll do it.
This is our night
and I want it to be perfect.
Well, then, let me go home.
This is insane.
Fine, Joe.
If it's too much to ask,
don't sign it. Forget it.
Forget that this is the most
important night of my life.
More important
than the bar exam.
More important than any night
of my two week marriage.
If it's so painful for you,
Joey Bear,
if my feelings mean
absolutely nothing,
then I lied.
Mr. Door isn't locked.
So you can just turn
your back on me and leave.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Ma, I told you a hundred times,
Barnaby Jones, Jed Clampett,
same guy.
( blusters )
I can't take anymore.
( horn blares )
She sounds lovely.
Hold it.
Uh, hold it, Scarpacci.
I'm going to give you $100.
To spend the rest of the day
with my mom.
No, I don't take charity.
( horn blares )
Trust me, you are going
to earn every penny.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Mrs. Biggins?
Uh--
( coughs )
Uh, are you there?
( screams )
JOE:
I'm telling you.
You gotta believe me.
She actually
had on her prom dress.
Joe, we're not buying
your story.
BRIAN:
No, no, no, no, no.
He's just trying
to get back at us
for stringing up Joey Bear
in his office.
No, I'm serious.
She made me put on
my old tuxedo jacket
and fast-dance to disco music.
God, that must have been awful.
I've seen you dance.
( all chuckling )
Hi, everybody, I just have
a minute before my flight
but I wanted to say goodbye.
ALL:
Bye.
JOE:
Okay, fine, fine.
Listen, if you don't believe me,
then let's ask Sandy.
Why don't you tell them
what happened last night.
Joe and I had
a wonderful dinner.
JOE:
No, no, no, no.
Sandy. Sandy.
Tell them about the basement.
You know? Mr. Phone? Mr. Door?
Come on, tell 'em.
Go. Tell 'em.
I'm not following you, Joe.
Oh, come on. Sandy.
Sandy, the punch, the yearbook,
you know, the disco dancing?
BRIAN:
Sandy, Sandy,
just forget him,
he's a little stressed out.
Oh, well, I understand that.
It was nice to meet you.
It was nice meeting you.
Have a good flight.
Thanks again, everybody.
Bye.
Bye.
Next year? Homecoming.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Antonio, what are you doing?
Selling my most
valuable possessions.
I have some unexpected
cab repairs this month.
Could not send money
home to Italy.
I didn't know you did that.
Ah, yes, it is a tradition
in my family for the eldest son
to help support his father.
Oh, aren't traditions wonderful?
You feel like you're
part of history somehow.
I think familial ties like that
give you such a warm--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty words,
but papa just wants his cash.
Antonio, if you need money,
I'd be more than happy
to make you a loan.
No, Fay, I appreciate the offer,
but, uh, I am a Scarpacci,
and Scarpaccis
don't accept charity.
It is--
It is a matter of dignity.
See? Excus-- Uh--
Get your reindeer hat here.
Beat the holiday rush.
Amuse your friends.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
I'll never have enough money
to send to my father.
Oh, Scarpacci, quit complaining.
Your lucky. At least your dad's
an ocean away.
My mom is right down the road
at that old folks home.
Or, as I like to call it,
"Seizures Palace."
That's terrible.
I'll tell you what's terrible,
the fact she's going
to be staying with me
for three days
while they paint her room.
Oh, I hope I can distract her
on the drive home,
I'd hate for her
to learn the way.
You know, Fay,
I hope this works.
Otherwise I will have to start
selling my blood.
LOWELL:
Ah.
Selling your blood, Antonio?
That's crazy-talk.
Oh, absolutely.
Big money's in organs.
You know,
just sell one
of whatever you have two of.
You got your lungs, kidneys,
you get the picture.
Oh, um, Joe.
Brian called from Boston,
he said he's bringing in
an old friend of yours
from highschool: Sandy Cooper.
Oh, no.
Oh, great.
Who's Sandy Cooper?
She's--
Oh, no, Joe, don't even--
What? Start what?
She was nuts.
You want to know
who Sandy Cooper is?
Not a lot,
I was just being polite.
She was this mousey girl
with spooky eyes
who had an insane crush on me.
I mean--
She was obsessed.
She followed me home practically
every day from school.
Did not.
Did too.
And she came to every one
of my baseball games,
sat in the front row,
and took pictures of me.
Did not.
She did too.
And, I swear to you,
one day she came up
behind me in Study Hall,
and cut off a lock of my hair.
Oh, good, Joe.
Blame a bad haircut on Sandy.
You believe me, don't you?
I believe someone
was obsessed with you.
Thank you.
Sounds like it was you.
You know,
when I was a stewardess
I was once involved
in a similar situation
with a frequent flier.
It was quite an infatuation.
And what did you do about it?
Nothing.
He got a restraining order
and I had to stay away.
Listen, Helen,
when Sandy asks about me,
just tell her I'm dead.
Heh-heh,
like that's going to stop her.
Sandy!
BRIAN:
Hey, everybody,
look who I found, eh?
Oh, my God, Helen Chapel?
Hi, girl.
You look terrific.
Thanks.
Hi, Joe, how are you?
Well, I'm doing pretty--
Helen!
You look so...
"Not fat anymore?"
( giggles )
Yeah.
You're a rail, you're a stick.
My God, you could be a model.
Oh, God, please.
Go ahead.
BRIAN:
Hey, hey.
You'll never guess what
our Sandy's been doing,
she's a prosecuting attorney
in Chicago.
Really?
So, Sandy, what brings you
back to Nantucket
after all these years?
I came to visit my parents.
HELEN:
I hope we can all get together
before you leave.
I'm free tonight.
Well, uh, Club Car, 8:00?
Perfect, I'll see you then.
All right.
Uh, uh, I won't be there,
I've gotta check on some stuff
that I haven't checked on since
the last time I checked on it.
Well, that's too bad.
I'll see you guys later.
Great.
Okay.
Bye.
Have fun.
So sweet, look at her.
I know, looks great.
Man, what did I tell you?
That woman is certifiable.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm missing something here.
Oh, Joe still thinks
that she's after him.
Come on, are you telling me
you didn't see it?
The way that she hugged Helen
and she purposely didn't hug me?
She didn't hug me either.
That's just how devious she is.
Okay. Sure.
What-- Oh, oh, oh--
Come on, are you trying to tell
me you don't remember
the bizarre nicknames
she used to have for me?
"Scooter."
"Dimples."
"Liza" with a Z.
No, no. "Joey Bear."
Like "teddy bear"
only with "Joe."
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Okay, Mom,
I'll get you some new toast.
Now, don't throw that--
Mom!
Mom says she wants
her toast blacker
and that your chili
doesn't have enough kick.
I practically used
a whole bottle of Tabasco.
What kind of breakfast
is this anyway?
You're right.
Skip the chili,
just give her another beer.
( horn blares )
Be right there.
Ever since I took her
to that Patriots game,
I cannot pry that thing
out of her bony little hand.
( horn blares )
( angrily ):
Coming, mother.
Oh, good, you're here.
So, uh, fill me in.
What happened last night?
Well, that depends.
What are we talking about?
Your dinner with Sandy
at the Club Car,
she did ask about me, right?
Well, let's see.
Your name came up,
counting the times
we brought it up...
( imitates adding numbers )
...never.
You know, even if Sandy did have
a crush on you in high school,
it's been 15 years.
And take it from someone
who knows,
you're not that hard
to get over.
( both chuckle )
Great. Fine. Laugh.
Guys,
you want to come in here
for a second?
( gasping )
"Joey Bear.
Till death do us part."
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
What did I tell you?
Sandy is crazy.
Now, maybe you'll
believe me now.
Yeah, maybe Joe's right.
This is pretty weird.
Wait, wait, let's not jump
to any conclusions, okay?
This could be a suicide,
check the bear
for signs of a struggle.
Maybe we should call the police.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Because if we stand here
and do nothing,
then another innocent
stuffed toy could get whacked.
Brian...
Come on, this is not funny.
We've got to do something.
Well, no--
First things first.
I think we should notify
the bear's next of kin.
( giggling )
How can you two kid around
at a time like this?
Thank you, Helen.
A bear has died.
( giggling )
JOE:
Oh, great.
You guys did this, didn't--
No, no.
You know, I don't think
this is funny at all.
Joe, we just did this
to show you
how stupid you're being
about Sandy.
And to get a good cheap laugh
at your expense.
( giggles )
Well, I still think that that
woman is seriously disturbed.
Okay, Joe.
Maybe he's right.
Let's-- Let's leave him alone.
Hey, Joe.
I'm sorry.
And, listen,
if it helps any,
I'd be happy to call
Santa's workshop
and make
the funeral arrangements.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( horn blares )
All right, all right.
Momma, I'm back.
I got your racing form
and your cigars right here.
Lowell,
Antonio's hardly sold a thing.
Why don't you go over
and buy something?
Well, you know, I would,
but I really
don't need anything.
He's a proud man.
Go over and at least
help him retain
some vestige of his dignity.
Yeah, you're right.
Say no more, I'm on it.
Ah. Welcome.
So, uh, what have you got here,
Antonio?
Ah, well,
some very fine items.
Ah, for instance, ah,
here's a practically brand new
electric leg-hair remover.
Now, why do you have--
Found it, ah.
Yeah. Hm.
Well, let's see here.
Um...
Uh, I like your shirt.
How much?
My shirt? No, no.
Ha, ha.
My shirt is not for sale.
Now, perhaps I could interest
you in a soccer ball.
Still has a lot of bounce.
Mighty tempting, but no.
Okay, okay, well,
I-I-I might be able
to sell you my shirt,
but not for less than $25.
For this?
It's a cotton-poly blend.
Three dollars.
Fifteen.
Three dollars.
Look, this is the shirt
off my back.
Well, three dollars,
take it or leave it.
All right, all right,
I'll take it.
Take it, take it.
Take the shirt.
Hey, you know, Fay,
( sobbing )
you're right. It feels good
to give a man back his dignity.
( sobbing )
Brian, do you know if this--
Oh, God!
What is she doing here?
Would you relax?
No, I'm telling you,
she's stalking me.
Relax.
Hey.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
How was lunch?
Oh, great.
She paid.
Ah.
Well, I've got some more
stuff to do.
Joe, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine,
why wouldn't I be fine?
Joe, come on, just open up.
Just get it all out.
What? Open up what?
Tell her what?
Oh, man,
cut this nonsense with her.
You've been harboring
this for years--
All right, okay, okay, okay,
all right, okay, okay. Um.
Sandy, I guess I'm still
just a little weirded out
by that stuff you did
back in high school.
What stuff?
You followed me home from school
every single day.
Joe,
I never followed you anywhere,
I lived one block up and I guess
I walked the same way,
if that's what you mean.
Excellent, Deputy Fife,
you've cracked the case.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You came to my baseball games
with that camera.
I was a photographer
for the school paper.
Strike two.
No, I cannot be imagining this.
You came up behind me
in Study Hall
and cut off a lock of my hair.
You knew that was me?
Yes! What did I tell you?
Oh, the stupid things you'll do
to get into
a high school sorority.
A sorority?
Yeah, it was part
of the initiation.
Oh, God. So, um,
you didn't have a crush on me?
Joe, give it up.
No, no, Joe's right.
I did kinda have a crush on him.
I knew it!
But most of the girls did,
didn't you, Helen?
Uh, well, no. I didn't make that
mistake until later on in life.
While I'm confessing--
Oh, this is really
embarrassing.
--I had this idea that maybe
you'd ask me to the prom.
Can you imagine?
Aw.
Here you were, the captain
of the baseball team,
and here I was,
this tall, gawky stick
with cat's eye glasses
and braces.
Wow, you weren't gawky.
Joe, if you believed
those things about me,
no wonder you didn't
come along last night,
you must have thought
I was crazy.
Uh, no, Sandy, uh...
I'm starting to think maybe
I'm the one that was crazy.
I have obviously blown this
thing way out of proportion.
( chuckles )
I'm sorry,
I feel like such a jerk.
Well, forget it.
I just wish we'd had
this conversation last night
you missed a nice evening.
Yeah.
Well, the next time
you're in town
we've got to get together.
I am leaving in the morning,
but I have time tonight.
Oh, really? Uh.
Do you want to go to dinner?
That would be nice.
Great. Terrific.
I'll pick you up at 8.
Okay, come on.
I'll walk you out.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Hey, you know...
( chuckles )
...ah, I once had a crush
on somebody in high school
and I didn't tell them either.
Oh, really? Who?
Mrs. Nash.
You were turned on
by the lunchroom lady?
I think it was the plastic
baggies on her hands.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, look,
I'm really glad we did this.
It finally gave me a chance
to get to know you.
I'm glad too.
Well, goodnight.
Goodnight.
And thank you.
( dog barking )
Joe, would you do me
one last favor
and just get the door for me?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Here, let me get this for you.
No, no, it's very heavy.
It's old law books I'm storing--
No problem.
Thank you.
( keys jingle, latch clicks )
Uh, Sandy?
Having a little trouble seeing
where I'm going,
you, uh, want to hit the lights?
( switch flicks )
You never asked me
to the prom, Joe.
Well,
we're going to the prom now.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
What's going on here, Sandy?
It's our senior prom.
Isn't it fabulous, Joe?
We're 17 again.
( laughs )
I get it.
Oh, Brian and Helen
put you up to this, didn't they.
( both laughing )
That's very funny.
Come on out, you guys.
The joke's over.
( laughs )
How long have you
been planning this?
Since June 5th, 1978.
( chuckles nervously )
Brian?
Helen?
Didn't I do a great job
of recreating the school gym?
I had to guess
about the finishing touches
since I wasn't there,
even though I was chairman
of the decoration committee.
I spent every day after school
for three months,
planning the theme,
and hanging crepe paper,
and then somebody forgot
to ask me to go!
Uh, Sandy--
I kept hoping you'd come around.
I kept hoping
right up until that night.
But you didn't.
Nah, you didn't care
that I spent
the whole night dressed
in my beautiful prom dress
sitting in front of the TV
watching Donnie and Marie
with my parents.
No, you didn't care,
'cause you had your little
trophy girlfriend
Janey Jordan.
You like the flowers, Joe?
I made them myself.
Uh, y-- Uh, yeah.
They're-- They're--
They're beautiful.
You did a really good job,
just like you did back then.
You know, I-I remember thinking:
gosh, why didn't I ask Sandy
to the prom?
You know, I thought about you
that whole night.
Really?
Big, fat liar.
Don't go away.
Don't bother, Joe.
Mr. Door is locked.
Besides,
why would you want to leave
your prom so early?
Mr. Phone doesn't work either.
That's the phone I sat next
to for three years
waiting for you to call.
How do I look?
Uh, Sandy,
maybe we could just
sit down for a minute and talk.
I said, "how do I look!"
Gorgeous.
Thank you.
Joe?
Do you know what I have
in my locket?
It's hair.
It's not just hair,
it's your hair.
Joey Bear hair.
Here.
Put this on.
No, you know, Sandy,
I really--
Put it on!
Much better, Joey Bear.
Wow, this looks
just like the jacket
I wore in high school.
It's the exact one.
I went to the rental place
the day you returned it
and bought it.
You didn't.
I did.
Oh, how handsome
you must have looked
on June 5th, 1978.
Oh, look.
This must be Janey Jordan's
lipstick on your collar.
Oh, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Sandy?
Sandy?
Thirsty, Joe?
I hope the punch isn't too warm.
It's been sitting there since--
Oh, no, don't tell me:
June 5th, 1978.
No, since this afternoon.
What do you take me for, a kook?
Try it.
Mm.
Let's put on some music.
I wanna get wild,
I want to get crazy,
I want to dance the night away.
( disco playing on record )
Let's dance.
Uh, Sandy, you know,
I really don't--
Dance!
You're not doing it the way
I pictured you would.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Do it better.
Penny for your thoughts.
Uh,
I think you're a total psycho
in need of a Prozac
about the size of a handball.
( laughs )
You always knew
how to make me laugh.
( record scratches, stops )
Time to sign the yearbooks.
( sighs )
You know, Sandy, I have had just
about enough fun for one night.
I'd really like to--
What? What, Joe?
Whatever it is, we'll do it.
This is our night
and I want it to be perfect.
Well, then, let me go home.
This is insane.
Fine, Joe.
If it's too much to ask,
don't sign it. Forget it.
Forget that this is the most
important night of my life.
More important
than the bar exam.
More important than any night
of my two week marriage.
If it's so painful for you,
Joey Bear,
if my feelings mean
absolutely nothing,
then I lied.
Mr. Door isn't locked.
So you can just turn
your back on me and leave.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Ma, I told you a hundred times,
Barnaby Jones, Jed Clampett,
same guy.
( blusters )
I can't take anymore.
( horn blares )
She sounds lovely.
Hold it.
Uh, hold it, Scarpacci.
I'm going to give you $100.
To spend the rest of the day
with my mom.
No, I don't take charity.
( horn blares )
Trust me, you are going
to earn every penny.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Mrs. Biggins?
Uh--
( coughs )
Uh, are you there?
( screams )
JOE:
I'm telling you.
You gotta believe me.
She actually
had on her prom dress.
Joe, we're not buying
your story.
BRIAN:
No, no, no, no, no.
He's just trying
to get back at us
for stringing up Joey Bear
in his office.
No, I'm serious.
She made me put on
my old tuxedo jacket
and fast-dance to disco music.
God, that must have been awful.
I've seen you dance.
( all chuckling )
Hi, everybody, I just have
a minute before my flight
but I wanted to say goodbye.
ALL:
Bye.
JOE:
Okay, fine, fine.
Listen, if you don't believe me,
then let's ask Sandy.
Why don't you tell them
what happened last night.
Joe and I had
a wonderful dinner.
JOE:
No, no, no, no.
Sandy. Sandy.
Tell them about the basement.
You know? Mr. Phone? Mr. Door?
Come on, tell 'em.
Go. Tell 'em.
I'm not following you, Joe.
Oh, come on. Sandy.
Sandy, the punch, the yearbook,
you know, the disco dancing?
BRIAN:
Sandy, Sandy,
just forget him,
he's a little stressed out.
Oh, well, I understand that.
It was nice to meet you.
It was nice meeting you.
Have a good flight.
Thanks again, everybody.
Bye.
Bye.
Next year? Homecoming.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )