Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 12 - Ready, Teddy, Go - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( clears throat )

Oh. Heh-heh-heh!
Uh, welcome to Sandpiper.

And where are you off to
this fine day?

Boston.

Although,
I wish I wasn't. Heh!

I'm going
to see my mother.

Sounds like you two
don't get along.

We just have this one
little problem.

I think I'm 40.

Mom thinks I'm 12.



Um, you know,
I was just reading something

in my Psychology book
that might be of help to you.

Eh, you see, um,
it's possible

that your mother has trouble
defining herself

as anything other
than your parent.

If she allows you
to grow up,

then she has to admit that
she's getting older herself.

And that isn't always easy.

Can you imagine the pain
the poor woman must be feeling?

( sobbing )
Oh!

Oh, now, now. Oh, no.

Now, you just let it all out.
Oh.

I never really looked at it
from Mom's point of view.

Thank you so much.



Are you gonna be here
on Monday?

When I come back?

Well, let's see.

Uh, I do have an hour open
around 2.

Great.

I'll see you then.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Alex, Davis is gonna be here
any second. What about my hair?

Should I wear it, like, up
with just a few...?

Or just down?

I think it looks great
either way.

If I may
cast a vote,

I like it up or down.

Just...not in my soup.

Antonio, I'm-- I'm really sorry.

Um, I'll tell you what.
No charge.

No kidding.

What time is it?
What time is it?

Relax. I'm sure he'll be here.
Oh, I know he will.

Just because he didn't show up
the last few times,

I know for a fact he's
definitely gonna be here today.

( sarcastically ):
Yeah, sure he will.

You know, I'm really sick of you
doing that.

'Cause if I say he's gonna be
here, he's gonna be here.

As a matter of fact,
he left Paris on schedule,

landed in New York,
caught a shuttle to Boston

and is on Roy's next flight.

Which means he's gonna walk
through those doors

in three and a half
minutes.

( sarcastically ):
Yeah, sure he will.

Hey, Fay.

Uh, Joe said one of these lights
was on the fritz.

Oh, that one
in the corner, Lowell.

Fay, what is this?

Oh, that's my rat.

I kidnapped her
from the Psychology lab.

Okay.

Get away clean now, or--?
Oh, what the hell? Go ahead.

Well, my instructor promised
that she would only be used

for a few harmless experiments.

But he lied.

Ah, they always lie.

First they suck you in
with the free milk and cookies.

Next thing you know, you're
running naked through a maze.

Well, Fay,
it is not staying in my office.

These things
are gross.

A rat.

What do the people
in coach get?

Oh, no, listen,
please, Joe.

If I take her
back to school,

they're going
to hurt her.

And I-- I've grown
attached to her.

She's become almost
like my colleague.

And you don't wanna
see harm come to a colleague.

Generally
speaking.

Besides, how many times
do we have to prove

that when an animal receives
a shock for doing something

it learns
not to do it again?

( electricity zapping )
( groans )

One more time.

( electricity zapping )
( groans )

One more time.

( electricity zapping )
( groans )

Eh, you see, Joe?

That could be
happening to her.

Oh, please let me
keep her here.

All right, all right. But just
don't let the passengers see it.

Oh, look at her.
She's sweet.

Oh, oh,
she's licking my finger.

I think she likes me.

Maybe it's just how rats
show professional courtesy.

You can tease me
all you want,

but I called
the hotel

and Davis confirmed
his reservation.

He'll be here.

( sarcastically ):
Yeah, sure he will.

( gasps lightly )
Davis.

"Yeah, sure he will."

Helen!
( laughing )

Wait a second.

Didn't you used to be
a redhead?

Wow, you've put on
a lot of weight.

And I thought
you were taller.

You know, I-I-- I remember you
being a much better dresser.

Gee, I'm not
attracted to you at all.

Me neither.
What were we thinking?

Beats me.

Oh, what is that?
Witty banter?

Pfft! Helen's not witty,
what the hell's he done to her?

So look who I found.

Hi.
DAVIS: Hi. Heh-heh!

So, what do you
wanna do?

First off, I'm gonna
take you out to lunch.

As a matter of fact,
why don't I take everybody?

It'll give us a chance
to get to know each other.

Great idea.
I'm in.

Uh, I'll pass.
Look, Joe,

I know I'm not exactly
your favorite person.

No, I never said that.

Boy, I would have.

I didn't invest
in your business,

I'm dating
your old girlfriend.

I'd hate my guts.

Well, maybe we do have
something in common.

Come on, Joe.
Be nice to him.

You know how long it took for
Helen to find a new boyfriend.

Come on, Joe, please.
I want you two to be friends.

All right, okay,

but, uh, you don't
have to buy me lunch.

I'll buy you lunch.

Uh, as a matter of fact,
I'll buy everybody lunch.

Terrific.

Say, Helen, do you mind
if we stop off at the hotel?

I wanna dump my bags.

Sure.
I'll meet you out there.

All right.
Hey, listen, uh,

I-I know you
wanted to buy us lunch,

and Joe
stole your thunder.

But, uh, if it'll
make you feel any better,

I'd be willing to take
the cash equivalent.

Joe, that was
very generous of you.

And I know it wasn't easy.
Thank you very much.

It's harder
than you think.

How much you need?
Fifty oughta do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

So you don't mind if I jump
in the shower real quick?

I just need
to wake up.

Okay, sure, no problem.
Great.

Heh! Can you believe
how transparent that guy is?

HELEN:
Ugh! Joe.

No, hey, I came up here
with a good attitude.

But come on, the only reason
he brought us here

is to show off
his fancy hotel room.

Oh, please.
Well, what does he need it for?

He's here for one night.
All he needs

is a bed, a blanket
and a toilet.

He's not doing time, Joe.

I mean, really, does he think
anyone's gonna be impressed

by all this?
( door opens )

Wow, would you look
at this place?

Woo!

It's gorgeous.
Man, tell me.

Look at this.
Fireplace, antiques,

great view, eh--
Whoa! Hello.

The honor bar.

Ho-ho! Oh, baby.
I-I-- I love this.

Seventeen-fifty
for macadamia nuts.

Now, that's obscene.
What kind of sucker

would pay that kind of money
for junk food?

DAVIS:
Help yourself to anything
you want out there!

Yo, Brian,
toss me those nuts.

Wow,
feel this leather.

This thing must have
cost a fortune.

You know, you can tell
an awful lot about a person

from what's
in their suitcase.

Hey, Brian, don't.

Oh, come on, Helen.
Here, look at this.

Check this out.
Cashmere sweaters.

Means he's got money.

Armani ties.
He's got taste.

Tell you what else
he's got.

Way too much time
on his hands.

Put that back. Just--
Oh, come on. Hey, Joey, Joey.

Check this stuff out. Lookit.
JOE: Not now.

I got a thirst
than can only be quenched

by an $8 can
of orange juice.

Step aside, I wanna see what
other toys he brought with him.

Brian, this is private.
Now, stop it.

Come on, Helen.

It's like going
to somebody's apartment

and peeking in the medicine
cabinet. Everybody does it.

Eh, you looked
in my medicine cabinet?

Yes. And you have
some lip gloss to explain.

Come on, Helen, aren't you
at least a bit curious?

No, not at all.
Oh, of course you are.

Listen,
we can hear the shower.

When it cuts off, we'll give you
the eye sign.

Cover me,
I'm going in.

There's really not
anything special in here.

Just shirts
and sweaters and shoe--

Ooh. He brought me
a present. Hee-hee!

Helen,
you shouldn't open that.

Yes,
I'm gonna open it.

That way I know how to
reciprocate, you know?

Cover my butt.

Well, that's really
not gonna do it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, God,
I hope this is not for me.

Maybe he bought it
for another woman. Bastard.

Or maybe it's for him,
the bitch.

Come on,
he came here to see you.

This was
in his suitcase.

And who else could it be for?

Maybe there's something else
that goes with it.

I believe you're supposed
to have what goes with it.

( water stops running )

Shhh.

He turned the shower off.

Get it in there.

I think this tissue was more...
No, the label was on top.

( indistinct arguing )

Uh-oh.

( blow dryer humming )
He's drying his hair. Quick.

Wasn't that suitcase open?

Ahhh.
Sorry I took so long.

Hope you found something
to keep you busy.

We didn't find anything.
We were just sitting here.

We barely moved.

Well, somebody sure got
into something over here.

Brian,
I told you not to--

Me? It was Joe. He made her,
and you-- You--

( indistinct shouting )
Hey, hey, hey!

You don't have to apologize.

It's just
a jar of nuts.

And a can
of orange juice.

Good thing the bed
was bolted down.

Oh, by the way,
Helen, um, I made reservations,

but I thought maybe it'd be
a bit more romantic

if we just had dinner
right here in the room tonight.

If that's okay.

Yeah,
that'd be fine.

Great.

( door closes )

Dinner in a room,

flimsy little teddy.

Your salad's gonna be wearing
more dressing than you are.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Go on,
say hello, Antonio.

Go on, Cupcake,
say hello.

Ah, I think you're putting
too much pressure on her.

Oh, give me a break.
I know she can't talk.

No, your beefy mitts are
squeezing the life out of her.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'd never let anything happen
to my furry little Cupcake.

Yes. Ho-ho-ho!

I'm looking
for Fay Cochran.

I'm Professor Lawson,
her Psychology instructor.

Wait a second.

Aren't you the guy that made me
run naked through a maze?

Don't know what you're
talking about--

I'm not gonna tell you
where Fay is.

She happens to be one
of my dearest friends.

If you're here to give that
lovely, caring woman problems,

you're gonna have to
go through me.

Ms. Cochran has stolen
university property.

Now, if you don't tell me where
she is,

I'll have you arrested
as well.

Fay? Company.

Oh, uh,
Professor Lawson.

Are you flying
with us today?

Ms. Cochran,
you know why I'm here.

As I said on the phone, if you
don't hand over the animal,

I'm going to have to call
the police.

No.
Miss Cochran.

Well, how would you like it
if somebody stuck you in a cage

and-- And gave you a shock every
time you made a wrong decision,

like...
buying that jacket?

I-- I'm sorry,
but I refuse to give her back.

And you won't
change your mind.

No, I won't.

Well, then I have
only one thing to say.

Congratulations.

What?

Ms. Cochran, this whole thing
has been an experiment

in human behavior.

When I told the class
the rats might be harmed,

you were the only one
who took action.

Really?
Yes.

You're obviously
a very kindhearted,

highly-principled,
compassionate woman.

Well,
thank you very much.

I mean, I-- I've often
been described

as a little ray of sunshine.

Uh, so you're not going
to fry the little rodent?

Of course not.

She's a very valuable animal.

And brilliant too.

Did you know she can pick out
"The Itsy-Bitsy Spider"

on a touch-tone phone?

Oh, eh, just one second.
Roy.

Good news. Your little Cupcake's
not in danger anymore.

So you can give her back
to Professor Lawson.

Uh, it's too late.

I-- I heard him nosing around
out here,

so I took her out
to the parking lot

and I let her go.

You what?

She was born free,
and she'll live free.

She wasn't born free.
She was born in a lab.

Without that animal,
two years of research

goes down the drain.

This will hardly help
your grade, Miss Cochran.

Oh, oh, then
thanks a lot, Roy.

( "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" playing
on touch-tone phone )

( chuckles )

Oh, Cupcake,
that's beautiful.

I can't believe he'd
give me a gift like that.

It's completely
inappropriate.

ALEX:
I know exactly
what Helen means.

It's too early in their
relationship

for him to give her
such an intimate gift.

You,
on the other hand,

are way overdue.

That's right.
When you're dating someone,

there's a specific order
to gift-giving.

First date: flowers.
Right?

Second date: stuffed animal.
No bigger than this.

Fourth date:
little more personal.

Keychain, perhaps.

Sixth date. All right, you're
getting to know each other.

Now you can get
a little more intimate.

Gloves.

She's not serious.
Oh, yes she is.

When we were dating, I screwed
up someplace around keychain,

I had to go all the way
back to flowers.

Why don't you just
put out a brochure:

The Do's and Don'ts
of Dating Helen ?

Oh, that's easy:
Don't.

What are we
talking about?

How Helen's a little upset
because Lynch bought her

this flimsy
black lace teddy.

I'm not gonna
sleep in it.

You're not supposed
to sleep in it.

You put it on, do a half gainer
off the headboard,

throw it in the corner
till morning.

I've, uh-- I've never
really gotten excited

from wearing
women's lingerie.

Wait a second,
Antonio. I think, heh--

I think you got caught
in one of those language things.

Eh, what you meant to say

is that you never really
got excited

seeing women
wear lingerie.

Oh, yes, of course.

HELEN:
Anyway,
the point is,

Davis should not be thinking
about my lingerie yet.

Wait a second.
But he's a guy.

Two minutes
after he met you

he was probably
picturing you naked.

That's what guys do.

I know that.
Girls do the same thing.

It's just that I feel
really stupid.

I thought our relationship
was special.

I thought we were growing
into something meaningful.

But all that teddy means
is he wants to get me into bed.

So, what
are you gonna do?

Well, I have no choice.
All I can do

is throw it in his face
and break up with him.

Don't you think
that's a little drastic?

He hasn't even
given it to you yet.

Exactly. I mean,
what are you gonna tell him?

"Now, I was snooping through
your luggage,

"and I saw a present that
didn't have my name on it,

so I opened it up"?

Good point.

All right.

I'll go to dinner
with him,

wait till the little pig boy
makes his move,

then I'll throw it in his face
and break up with him.

Sounds like
an evening.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

DAVIS:
More champagne?

Oh, no,
thank you.

Okay.

Well, this sure beats some
crowded, stuffy restaurant, huh?

Yes, it's quite lovely.
Thank you.

Hm.

Helen, is--?
Is something wrong?

You've seemed a bit...
uh...uh...

Oh, what's the word
I'm looking for?

Icy?

Have I?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know what's wrong.

You think I went
all the way to Paris

and didn't bring back
a gift for you.

No, actually, I'd be
real surprised if you didn't.

( chuckles )

Well,
you don't have to worry.

Now, this is just
a little something.

Trust me,
it's not much.

Ain't that the truth.

I hope
I chose correctly.

You're not the easiest person
in the world to shop for.

See,
that's where you're wrong.

I'm very easy to shop for.

I mean, a little stuffed animal
would have been perfect.

No bigger than this.

Well, I'll-- I'll
remember that for next time.

I hope you like it.

Oh, just give it to me.

Now, if you don't like it,
promise me you'll tell me.

Oh, I'll promise.

You know, I really wish
you hadn't done this, Davis.

I mean, it really
is uncomfortable for me

to know that you think
I'm the kind of person

that you can give a gift
like...

soap.

They're hand-carved in the shape
of little instruments.

The moment I saw it,
I thought of you.

Soap?

Soap.

He got me soap.

You know, I waited
all evening for him

to spring that teddy on me
and he never did.

Damn him,
he was a perfect gentleman.

You know, Helen,

French soap
is not such a bad gift.

Yeah, maybe for Christmas he'll
give you

a bottle of mouthwash
and a stick of deodorant.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't understand.

Uh, you're mad because he gave
you a gift you did not want?

No, he gave me
a perfectly nice gift.

Ah, I see. So, so,

you're mad because he did not
give you a gift you did want.

No, I'm mad 'cause he
didn't give me the teddy.

But-- But-- But-- But-- Heh-heh!

Thought you did not
want the teddy.

I didn't.
So you didn't get it,

so you should be happy, but
you're not, you're furious.

Exactly.
I've got to get off this ride.

Helen, face it.

He bought the teddy
for someone else.

Thanks for the news flash,
Joe.

Don't you think
it occurred to me?

I just feel
so stupid.

I thought we had
a real relationship,

but he probably has a girl
in every port,

one of whom is getting
my damn teddy.

This guy
cannot win.

First you're mad at him because
he wants you to be dirty.

Now you're mad at him because
he wants you to be clean?

So, what are you gonna do?

What else can I do?
I'm gonna break up with him.

Look, Helen,
if you're gonna dump the guy,

do it for the right reason:

'Cause he's an idiot.

Not over some
silly misunderstanding.

Look,
I'll be honest with you.

I have no idea
what you see in that guy,

but if you see something worth
saving, then save it.

You think
I'm overreacting?

Oh, just a little.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like you
have an exclusive relationship.

BRIAN:
Right, don't forget, up until
two days ago

this guy
was Mr. Perfect.

Helen.

Just for the record,

I want you to know that I think
Davis is a wonderful guy.

I think the two of you
make a beautiful couple.

Thanks, Lowell.

You know
what I just realized?

It's true
what they say.

Nostrils
are the windows to the soul.

Bye, Lowell.
Bye.

You know,
you guys are right.

I am overreacting.

I mean,
that is none of my business.

I'm gonna forget this whole
thing ever happened,

and I'm gonna forget I ever saw
that stupid teddy.

Oh, hi, Davis.

Uh, just...
came back to say goodbye.

Oh, Davis,
is it that time already?

DAVIS:
Yeah, I'm afraid so.

But I'll get back
just as soon as I can.

If you...want me to.

Yes, of course I do.

Well, it was nice
seeing you all again.

Take care.
BRIAN: Bye.

So long.

Listen, I-I know I wasn't
very good company last night,

but I just wanted to tell you

that I really appreciate
your gift.

That was very sweet.
Oh. Well, sure.

Helen,
what are you doing?!

Give me that. I can't take this
another minute.

Helen. Don't take--

Oh, don't play coy with me.
I know what's in here.

What the--?
That's my underwear.

I'm not talking
about your underwear.

I'm talking about this.
What is this?

If I'm soap,
who the hell is silk?

511
and still single.

( chuckles )

I wonder why.

All right, who's it for? Who's
this for? Come on.

Oh, Helen,
this is really awkward.

Oh, yes,
I bet it is.

Who's it for?

Oh, all right.

It's for you.

( scoffs )
No, it is.

Helen, I-- I...

I saw it in Paris
and it...

It was so beautiful.
I wanted you to have it.

But then I realized,
it's too soon for me to give you

a gift like that.

So I decided to wait.

Really?
Well, yeah.

There-- There's a protocol
to gift-giving.

I-I didn't wanna rush it.

So, um, when were you planning
on giving it to me?

I don't know. Probably
somewhere around date ten or 12?

Right after
monogrammed stationary?

Yeah, but before
precious metals.

Oh, Davis.

Just one thing,
Helen.

How'd you even know
it was in my suitcase?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )