Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 13 - Oh Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

This is interesting.

It says here
that 75 percent

of all people
who work together,

eventually become
romantically involved.

Seventy-five percent?

That can't be right.
Let me see that.

Damn.
That's what it says all right.

Well, you know,
think about it for a second.

You know, Joe and Helen
work here

and they used to be
in a relationship.



Brian and Alex work here,

they're dating now.

That's four out of eight.

That's damn near 50 percent
right there.

If that statistic is correct,
then that means

that two of us will...

You can do a lot worse.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Joe Hackett,
get down here right now.

What, what?
What?

What is it?
What are you doing?

What is this?
( sighs )

Not again.

Lowell, it's a sponge.



That's right, Joe.

And Joe, when we're not
cleaning with this sponge,

where does it go?

Down your throat.

You, of all people,
should know

that when we're not
using this sponge,

that it goes
in its sponge cradle.

Where it can dry off,

so that it's not soggy,
and slimy,

and stinky
for the next user,

which is,
by the way, usually me.

Give me a break.

Mornin'.

Well,

look who finally decided
to come home.

Well, I was staying overnight
at Alex's.

You-you got a problem
with that?

And now I suppose
you'd like some breakfast.

Yeah, okay.
What do you got?

Lasagna?

For breakfast?

No. Lasagna for dinner.

Unless of course,
somebody forgets to call home

to say they won't be here.

Lowell, give it a rest,
will ya, please?

You know, I'd think
by this time

that the two of you
would have more consideration

for my feelings.

But maybe that's just too much
to hope for.

Listen,
I gotta get to work now,

but this conversation
is not over.

We're gonna continue it
tonight at supper.

Well, your lunches
are in the refrigerator,

and don't forget
to take your vitamins.

You know,
I don't know about you

but I have had it.

Why do we put up with this?

Well, you know,
he cooks, he cleans,

makes incredible lasagna.

This-this thing is good
even the next day.

Would you forget that?

Joey,
you're forgettin' somethin'.

We kind of owe him.

I sank his houseboat,
remember?

Yeah, I-I know,
but we have put him up

for over a year now.

I think that debt is paid.

We've gotta tell him
to move out.

I'm behind you
100 percent.

Let me know
how it comes out.

No, no, no.

We're gonna tell him together.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

I mean, we should just
go down there right now

and just tell him
that he's out of here.

Good.
This is our house, right?

Yeah, you bet it is.
Let's go.

Oh. Well, first I better
wring out that sponge.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, Alex.

Hold up.
I got somethin' for you

For me?

Why?

Oh, I just saw it
and I thought of you

so I bought it.

Really?

HELEN:
Yeah, really.

I-I don't get it.
It's not my birthday.

So?

So you just got me a gift
for no reason at all?

I'm beginning to think so.

Um, look, I-I just got it
'cause we're friends. Okay?

Oh. Okay.

Thanks.

W-when was the last time
you got something for Fay?

Well, it certainly wasn't
on my last birthday.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

it's just a little pin

in the shape
of a helicopter, see?

It's no big deal.

Or the birthday before that.

Well, this is--
This is really nice.

Thanks, Helen.

Hi. Morning.
Morning, guys.

Oh, listen.
You know where Lowell is?

Uh, I think he's
in the hanger.

Let's go.

Uh, I can't remember.

Did you get me something
for Christmas?

Yes, Fay,
I did.

Oh, right.
Debbie Reynolds' workout tape.

Thanks again.

Yeah, guys?
What do you need?

Lowell, we're not gonna beat
around the bush.

Joe has something
he wants to tell you.

Yeah, Joe?

Well, Lowell, Brian and I
have been talking,

and, um,
we think it's time for you

to find a place
of your own.

What do you mean?

It's about all your rules
and regulations.

Yeah. We know
you mean well, but see,

Joe and I would sort of
like to go back

to the way it was
before you moved in.

What do you mean?

When we lived there
and you didn't.

You know, if somebody
were to walk in here right now,

they might think
that you guys

didn't want me
to live you anymore.

We don't.

We want you
to find your own place.

Yeah. We want you
to move out.

I'm gettin' mixed signals here.

Move out.

Well, you don't have to
tell Lowell Mather twice.

Huh. Far be it from me to stay
some place where I'm not wanted.

Oh, now, come on.

Lowell--
No, no, no, no, no, Joe.

I've tried very hard
this past year

to take care of you boys.

Did I complain?
No, I did not.

I did it gladly.

I only hope that someday,

you two have children
that treat you

the way that you're
treating me now.

( sighs )

Feel kinda guilty?

Yeah, kinda.

That feeling pretty much passed.

Yeah, completely gone.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Mornin', Alex.
Morning.

Here.

You got this for me?
Why?

I saw it and I thought of you,
so I bought it.

I hope you like it.

Wow.

This is beautiful.
Thank you.

Good.
I feel better.

What does that mean?

You know. You got me something,
I got you something.

Oh. No, no, no.
See--

Uh, just because
I got you something first,

that doesn't mean that you
have to get me something back.

If I never would've
gotten you that helicopter pin,

I mean,
you never would've thought

about gettin' me something,
and that's okay.

I don't know. I-I might've
if I saw something

that remind me of you,

like a pin in the shape
of a spatula, or something.

A spatula?

Is that what you think
that I'm about?

A fry cook?

I didn't say that.

Well, then, why else
would you give me a spatula pin?

You got me
a helicopter pin,

is that what you think
I'm all about?

It was just a damn gift. All you
had to do was say thank you.

Well, thank you.
Well, you're welcome,

and thank you.
You're welcome.

It's a shame.

What started out
as a lovely gesture,

turned into an ugly scene.

Yeah.

Think maybe if we oiled 'em up,
they'd wrestle?

Mornin', guys.
ANTONIO: Good morning.

Good mornin', boys.
Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Really?
I heard it might rain.

Oh, really?
Not at our house.

It's bright and sunny.

Zero percent chance of Lowell.

( laughs )

Yeah. I heard you boys
gave Mather the boot.

It's about time.

Hey, hey.
We didn't kick him out.

We just asked him to leave.

Where'd he go?
To a lovely place,

called elsewhere.

( laughter )

You-you just threw him
out in the street?

No, no.

When we got home last night
his stuff was gone

I'm sure he's fine.

I'm surprised you didn't
just turn him loose

in the forest so he could
live with the wolves.

What makes you think
they'd want him back?

Come on, Antonio.

It's high time
that Lowell was on his own.

I-I bet he's already found
a great place to live.

( mumbles ):
Good morning, everybody.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Hey, Lowell, what the hell
are you doin' here?

I work here.

Oh, yeah.

And since you guys
kicked me out of your house,

now I live here.

Lowell, you can't live
in the terminal.

What do you mean?

Uh, we mean, you can't live
in the terminal.

What are you saying?
I can't live in the terminal?

Yes, that's exactly
what we're--

No, hold on--
Fay, Fay.

You don't wanna
push that button.

Why can't I live
in the terminal?

Well, for one reason,
it's not very sanitary.

There are no showers here.

Well, that's not a problem.

You know, I'm actually
a lot like a camel.

I can go for months
without water.

You've only gone 12 hours.

You're way too much
like a camel already.

Oh, great.

First you tell me
I can't live in your house,

and now you tell me that I can't
live in the terminal.

What's next?

Are you gonna take me down
to the old Civil War cannon,

stuff me in
and shoot me off the island?

I'm game.

Come on, Lowell.
Stop being so dramatic.

Just go
and rent an apartment.

( scoffs )

You think
it's that easy, Joe?

Just to go
and find an apartment?

Of course,
I wouldn't have that problem

if one of
my other good friends

would let me live
at their house.

( laughs )

I wouldn't even let you live
under my house.

Oh, L--
Well, Lowell, uh...

Well, you know, I would let you
live at my house but, um,

I-I really just
have the one key.

Oh, well, you could stay
with me but, um, um,

I'm not zoned for it.

I-I-I don't
believe you people.

In Italy, friends open
their doors to other friends.

Lowell,
you can stay at my house

as long as you like.

Get Lowell out
of my house today...

or I will kill him.

W-w-wait a minute,
what happened to,

( as Antonio ):
"In Italy, friends open
their doors for other friends."

In Italy,
there was no Lowell.

Well, all right.
Well, what happened?

I-I'll you what happened.

I'm sitting on the couch
with my date--

A perfectly lovely woman

once you get past
her really big face.

--and we we are enjoying--

Uh, wait a second.
W-w-wait.

What do you mean,
"really big face"?

Uh, you know,
when you look at the place

where a person's face
usually is,

there's face.

But on her,
when you look to each side,

there is...more face.

Anyway, there we are,

sitting, enjoying beautiful,
romantic music,

when who should come down
the stairs for a midnight snack?

Naked man.
Okay?

Joe, Brian, please,

take Lowell back.

No.
No.

Oh, n-n-now,
wait a minute.

You know,
my friend Ruthie's daughter

is a real estate agent.

Uh, maybe she could find Lowell
a place to live.

Hey, roomie.

Listen, uh,
I just wanted to remind you,

tonight is my night
to host the Rat Shooting Club.

Don't-don't you do that
down at the dump?

Oh. We shoot 'em
at the dump,

we clean 'em at home.

Please, Fay,
call your friend.

Hurry.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Now, this one
just came on the market.

It's a one bedroom--
It's perfect.

He'll take it.

Don't you wanna know
anything about it?

It's the furthest one
from our house,

he'll take it.

What do you think,
Lowell?

Lowell.

Hate it.
No.

We have looked
at 15 places today.

What is wrong
with this one?

Well...

It's got no view.

Well,
didn't you notice

that beautiful view
from the porch?

Oh, great.

The ocean.

All right,
we'll move it.

He'll take it.

Oh, no.
It doesn't feel right.

It's got
great natural light.

I like it dark.
You can sit in the closet.

He'll take it.

Come on, Lowell.

This place has everything
you said you wanted.

I know,
but you know what?

It would never have
the feeling that--

That I get
when I'm at your house.

The warm feeling that you get
when you walk in the front door.

You know,
the feeling that you have

when you live with
your two best buddies

in the whole wide world.

We've already
changed the locks,

don't make us
get a restraining order.

I'll take it.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, I, uh...

I wanna apologize
for the other day.

I said some things
that I didn't mean.

No. You know what?
It was my fault.

You made a nice gesture
and I didn't appreciate it.

No, it was my fault.

It's silly that just
because you gave me something,

I had to get you
something back.

Right?
Right.

Great. Now that we got that
out of the way.

I got you
a little something,

just to say
I'm sorry.

You're kidding.

Well, I did
the same thing for you.

( both giggle )

Okay, you go first.

N-n-n-no, no.
You go first.

Okay, but now,
let's agree

that this is
where it ends, okay?

I mean, this is not
a competition, right?

Agreed.
Okay.

( gasps )

Oh, my gosh.
This is beautiful.

Oh, this must've
been so expensive.

( squeals )

I can't wait to see
what you got for me.

Uh, you know,
I-I-I just realized

that this is the wrong size.

So, uh,
I think I'm just gonna

rush back to the stores
before they close.

So now that Lowell
is gone, uh,

I was able to get
another date with Denise.

Denise?

Oh. Oh, of course.
The big-faced girl.

Look, you know,

I-I'd be the firs to admit
she's not for everybody, but--

Oh, I'm sorry, Antonio.

As long as you like her.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't get past the face.

It's like--

It's like making love
to a jack-o'-lantern.

Hey.
Morning Fay.

FAY:
Morning.

What-what--?

Lowell. Lowell.

Lowell.
( shouts )

Morning.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Damn it, Lowell,
you have a place of your own.

Hey, just because
a guy gets a house

doesn't mean
he has to sleep there.

Don't you like
your new place?

No.
Well, ain't no way

you're comin' back to mine.

I hate my house.

Man, nobody lives there.

All right, Lowell,

if you go home,
you'll live there.

Yeah, but--

Ah, forget it.
You guys wouldn't understand.

Understand what?

Well, I-I've never
lived alone before.

Never?

No.

I mean, at first
I lived with my family,

and then I lived with Bunny,

and then I moved in
with you guys.

And now, you know,
in my house it's just me,

all alone.

Lonesome me.

Old Lonesome Lowell.

Yeah, yeah, alone.
We get it.

LOWELL:
I mean, you know, I tried
to stay there last night,

but after a couple
of hours, I uh--

I just couldn't do it.

Look, Lowell, I think
I can help you out here.

Bein' on your own
for the first time is hard.

Whoo, I know.

Heh. When I was a kid
I shared a bedroom

with my big brother Earl.

( chuckling ):
Earl.

I never spent one night
alone in that room

until Earl had to go away.

Oh, so he went off
to college?

No, no.
Army?

No.

Well, where did he--?

He just had to go away.
Okay?

Anyway,

Earl knew I'd be scared,
so before he left,

he whispered in my ear,
"You can make it, Roy.

You can make it."

So that first night
when the shadows on the wall

turned into scary faces,
I thought of Earl.

When the branches
tappin' on the windows outside

sounded like bad guys
tryin' to get in,

I thought of Earl.

Before you knew it,

it was morning
and I was just fine.

I had made it.

I couldn't wait
for Earl to come back.

I was so proud,
I wanted to tell him.

But I--

I never got the chance, I--

I never saw Earl again.

He died?
( sobs )

Well, I just
wanna tell you, Lowell,

that if you
can find something

to help you make it through
that first night,

you'll be okay too.

( blows nose )

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

Hey.

I-I gonna find something

that'll help me get though
that first night, Roy.

Thanks.

That was the most moving story
I've ever heard.

That must've been
really hard to tell.

You kidding?

You know how many women
I've picked up

using that bogus
dead Earl story?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( knocking )

CROWD:
Surprise.

( chattering )

We just thought
we'd drop by,

give you kind of a surprise
housewarming party.

Oh, wow.

Listen, I mean,
that's really nice of you, but--

But no, no.
Not buts, Lowell.

We each brought you
a little gift.

Uh, yes. I-I've found that
a well placed plant

can spruce up
the whole house.

See?

And Alex and I, we bought you
a little champagne.

And I got you some chocolates,
and I want you to know

that I don't expect
anything in return.

Yeah, right.

Here, Lowell.

Wow, a coat.
What a great gift.

Uh, well actually
it's your coat.

You left it at our house.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, did I leave that
stupid looking picture too?

No, that's my gift.

Oh, thanks.

And, uh,
I-I brought you Paulo.

Paulo?
Yeah.

This is Paulo.

He's not a real bird,
but he's good company.

I-I got him
when I first came to town.

Go ahead, talk to him.
S-s-see what happens.

Uh, what should I say?

What should I say?

( both laugh )

He-he likes you.

Well, thanks, Antonio.

Yeah, yeah. But-but before
you take him away,

could I just-just
do one thing?

Yeah, sure.

Goodbye, Antonio.

Goodbye, Antonio.

Antonio, hey,
your girlfriend,

even if her face
is as big as a stop sign,

don't let her get away.

Well, hey, Lowell, I think
this place looks really great.

It's got a lot of potential.
Oh.

So how 'bout givin' us
a little tour?

ALL:
Oh, yeah.

Well-- Look, I know what
you guys are tryin' to do

and I really appreciate it.

But, you know, it doesn't matter
how long you stay,

I'm still gonna be alone
eventually.

We understand, Lowell.

We just wanted to drop by
and say hello.

ALL:
Hang in there, pal. Good luck.
You're gonna make it.

Okay, thanks.
Okay?

Take care of Paulo, eh?

Are they gone?
( chuckles )

Yeah. Boy, I-I thought
they were never gonna leave.

Mm.

Boy, I'm really glad
that you're staying the night.

Well,
I couldn't leave you alone.

Not after hearing that sad story
about your dead brother Earl.

W-wait.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )