Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 7 - Joe Blows: Part 1 - full transcript

( jazzy theme playing )

JOE:
If anyone had ever told me

I'd end up like this,

I would have thought
they were crazy.

But here I am.

I wonder what people will say
when they hear the news.

Maybe they'll think
this was the coward's way out.

All I know is, after a lifetime
of playing it safe,

I felt like there was
no other choice.

But wait, I'm getting ahead
of myself.

MAN:
Hello?



( raps on countertop )

Hello?

You work here?

Sure do. I own the place.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

There really should be someone
out here. Can I help you?

Yeah, I was on your morning
flight from Providence.

I checked my briefcase through
and I have not seen it since.

It's black, it's about this size
and it's got my initials on it.

P.M.S.

Yeah, you heard me,
and no jokes.

All right, well, no problem,
sir.

I will put our ticket agent
on it right away

and she'll track it down
in no time.

Of course, I'll just have to,
uh, track her down first.



I'll get on it right away.

Look, I have an extremely
important meeting at 5:00.

I need what's in that briefcase,
understand?

Don't worry, sir.
We'll find it.

Oh, hey, Lowell, uh,
this gentleman lost

a black briefcase
on a Providence flight.

Could you put
our tracking system on it?

Our what?

Uh, go out on the runway
and look around.

Oh.

( chuckles ):
Tracking system.

I'll be back here
at 4:30.

If I don't have that briefcase
I'm out of a lot of money.

And I've got a team of lawyers

who'll make sure
that you are too.

Another satisfied customer.

Not now, Roy.

Oh, Fay, Fay,
thank God you're here.

Look, I need your help.
No, no, I can't stay, Joe.

I'm just here
to pick up my handcuffs.

Handcuffs?

My second husband, George,
is in trouble.

He's dead. How much more
trouble could he be in?

No, it-- It's terrible, Joe.

They want to move everyone
in the cemetery

so that they can build
a new golf course.

Yes, but handcuffs?

A group of us widows
are staging a protest.

We're going to chain ourselves
to the gate.

Look-- Look, Fay, I really
need your help this morning.

I'm trying to track down
a lost piece of luggage.

You know, Joe, this may be
the last chance I'll ever have

to visit my husband
without paying green's fees.

Grave robbers.

( jazzy theme playing )

Hi, is this the Baggage Claim
Department?

Yeah, hi, this is Joe Hackett
of Sandpiper air.

Look, um, I'm missing
a black briefcase

from my last flight.

It's monogrammed.
The initials are P.M.S.

( chuckles ):
Yeah-- Yeah.

I-- I-- I know. Look, I don't
have time for jokes right now.

Uh, could you look around
and see if maybe it's--?

Joe, Joe, I need
to talk to you.

Um, can you hold on
one second?

Listen, my cab is falling apart,
and I found a new one,

except the bank would not
give me a loan

without a cosigner.

So I put down you. Thanks.

What? Antonio,
how could you just--?

Don't worry. Look, I will make
all the payments.

They-- They just need
someone to sue in case I don't.

Hang on.
Hang on just one second.

Antonio, how could you
give them my name

without asking me first?

My dear friend,
I never would have done it

if I thought you would have
this attitude.

I don't have an attitude.
I just--

Just forget it, rich boy.

Antonio Scarpacci
has his pride.

What the hell am I saying?

Pride won't feed
the bulldog.

Please, Joe,
I'm in big trouble, here.

I need this cab.

I-- I'll be with you
in one second.

Uh, well, you know,
I guess, maybe--

Aw, thanks.

I'll be back this afternoon
with the papers.

Well, we have to talk
about this, because--

Oh, not now.
You're way too busy.

Hi, thanks for holding.

Uh, the bag's not there
anywhere, huh?

All right, well, maybe it got on
the wrong plane.

What flights did you have
that left around the same time?

All, right. Yeah, I'll try
Syracuse, Cleveland and Newark.

Yup, thanks. Bye.

Well, are you happy now?

Oh, I bet you are.

Oh, I see that arrogant,
smug look on your face.

All right, go ahead.
Just lay into me.

Go ahead, just rub my nose
right in it.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Look, you were 100 percent right
about Davis Lynch.

This is the fifth weekend
in a row

that he has canceled our date.

He obviously does not take
our relationship very seriously.

Well, I hope you told him
to go to hell.

No, but when I told him
I couldn't wait

to see him next weekend,

my enthusiasm was very low.

Could we talk about this
a little later?

No, I don't even want
to talk about it.

I just want you to tell me
what to do.

( sighs ):
Look, I-- I don't know.

Well, why don't you give him
some kind of ultimatum?

Look, tell him, uh,
either he shows up next weekend

or it's over.

That is exactly right.

I'm gonna do that right now.
I'm gonna call him

and tell him that.

You think I'm being
a little rough--?

Tell him.

Hi, yeah, this is Joe Hackett
out of Nantucket.

Uh, listen, I have a--
A little problem.

( motor rattles, roars )
I need a-- I-- I said--

( yelling ):
I have a little problem.

Can--? Can you hold on
for one second?

Thank you.

Lowell! Lowell!
( engine revving )

Hey, Joe. Hi.

It's a beauty, isn't it?

1947 Harley-Davidson.

I'm rebuilding it.

Yeah, that's great, Lowell,

but I'm trying to do
some work, here.

Well, I'll tell you, you picked
the right place for it,

because if you tried
to get anything done out here,

well, the engine noise
would just drive you bats.

Yeah, hi. No, no, no, no.
I'm still here. Don't hang up.

Yeah, um, I'm looking for
a black briefcase.

It's monogrammed.
The initials are P.M.S.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, they told me
over in Providence

that it might be there
with you.

Yeah.

Well, could--?

What the hell are you doing?

I-- I-- I'm in the middle
of a situation, here.

Joey...

something happened.

Well, what is it?

What's--? What's the matter?
Are you all right?

I-- I-- I-- I--

I-- I--
Well, come-- Come on.

Just-- Just tell me.
You're scaring me.

Oh, man, it's awful, Joey.
It's awful.

What? What? What?

Alex and I finally had sex
last night,

and it wasn't great.

That's it?

Come on, stop kidding around,
will you?

This is serious.

I mean, we waited until we
really got to know each other.

And I was expecting magic,
you know?

But it just wasn't magic.

Don't get me wrong. The rabbit
came out of the hat, but...

I really don't want
to talk about this.

That's fine. That's fine,
because what I really need

is for you to talk to Alex.

What?
Yeah, that's right.

I want you to ask her
how it was for her.

Are you crazy? You-- You expect
me to go to your girlfriend

and talk to her
about your sex life?

Well, yeah.

I mean, with you
she'll be truthful.

If I ask her,
she'll lie through her teeth.

Like I did to her.

No. No, there's no way.

I-- It is out of the question.

I am not doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right, right, right.

Hey, and let me tell you,

if ever you have a girlfriend,
I'll do the same for you.

Of course, sex at that age--
How good could it be?

( jazzy theme playing )

No-- No problem.

Your briefcase will be here
at 4:30.

Thank you.
You have my word on it.

Yeah. As a matter of fact,
it is on its way here right now.

That's right. Thank you.
Bye-bye.

Don't you have any idea
where it is?

New York?

Well, why is it going
to New York?

( sighs ):
All-- All right.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Hackett,
wanna hear something beautiful?

My new radio commercial.

Not-- Not right now, Roy.

( grandiose music playing )

ROY:
Aeromass.

The official airline of
New England proudly announces

air-cushion service
to New York, Boston, Nantucket

and the world.

( commercial shuts off )

Too subtle?

My God, that must have cost
a fortune.

Hey, you gotta spend money
to make money.

You know how that is.

Oh, that's right.
You don't.

Hey-- Hey, did you talk
to Alex yet?

Brian, right now
I have bigger problems

than your sex life.

Well, first of all,
I can't believe you said that.

And second of all--

Could you please get out?

Hey, you guys.

Listen, uh,
could somebody, uh--

Somebody hit me on the head
with this hammer?

I want to see
if his helmet's any good.

No.
I'll do it.

All right.
( clears throat )

All right, listen.
Uh, don't hold back.

Now just, you know--
I want you to lay me out.

Just give me everything
you got.

I want you to really just--

Lowell! Lowell! Lowell!
You all right? Are you okay?

Oh, uh, the hammer works.

Helmet sucks.

Please, please, both of you,
could you go?

All right.
Could you go?

Hey, tell me what Alex says.

No, I-- Brian
Tell me what she says.

I am not talk--
Uh, hello, LaGuardia?

Uh, yeah--
I gotta talk to you, Joe.

Fay, not right now.
I'm on a very important call.

Yeah-- Yes, I'll hold.
I'll hold.

What is it, Fay?

They came after us
with bolt cutters.

You've got to help me, Joe.

First thing in the morning

they're moving George
to the cemetery

on the other side of the island.

What is so bad about that?

They're moving him
to a nicer place.

No, no, I-- I don't want him
in the same cemetery

as my first husband.

That-- That's all I need

is for the two of them
to get together

and start comparing notes.

Now, you know people
on the city council.

You know the mayor.
Uh, can't we do something?

I mean, can't--?
Can't you talk to someone?

All right. All right, Fay.
All right. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

Oh, uh, don't-- Don't forget
you have that, uh,

newspaper interview
this afternoon.

What? What? What interview?

The one I told you about
this morning.

You didn't tell me about
anything.

Well, I was supposed to.

Um... uh...

some reporter from
some newspaper is coming

to talk to you
about something.

What--? What, Fay?

Why would a reporter
want to interview me?

Oh, well, how would I know?
I only take the messages.

Hello? Uh-- Uh, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, I'm still holding.

Joe, what are you doing?

Well, at the moment
I'm listening to

the New Christie Minstrels do
"Papa's Got a Brand-New Bag."

What do you want?

I have never been so humiliated
in my life.

Here I told the man
at the car dealership

you are so dependable,

and your credit report
comes back a mess.

What are you talking about?

You, Mr. Deadbeat. You--

Apparently, you owe a bundle
to Idi's House of Electrolysis.

I've never even heard
of that place.

Oh, yeah, fine. And I suppose
I've never been there either.

Listen,

I certainly hope
you're a little more convincing

when the man gets here
with the loan papers.

I-- Oh.

Okay, Joe, guess what?

I took your advice
and gave Davis an ultimatum.

I told him exactly
what you told me to tell him.

I said, if you can't make time
for me,

then we cannot see each other
anymore.

Good for you.
You let him have it.

I certainly did.

And he told me he understood.

And he said he cared about me
so much

that he had to let me go.

( cries ):
Oh, Joe.

Why did I ever listen to you?

Why? Why?

Why?

Oh, God, this is horrible.

( cries )

Hello?

Hi-- Is this New York
Baggage Information?

Yeah-- No. No,
I wasn't on a flight.

No, I don't want
International Baggage.

No, I don't want to hold. I--

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Look, look, now. Shh, shh.

Look, would it be so hard
for you to go and call him

and just tell him
you changed your mind?

I can't do that.

He'll think I'm out of my mind.

A hysterical woman.

And I'm not!

( door slams )
Hello?

Oh, no! No! No, not voice mail.

No, I don't want to leave
a message!

Hello, this is Joe Hackett
at Sandpiper air.

Yeah, I am desperately trying
to track down a black briefcase.

It's monogrammed
with the initials P.M.S.

Your laugh here.

Uh, now, it is on it's way
to you right now.

As soon as you get it,
could you put it on a plane

back to Nantucket immediately?

I need it by 4:30.

Thank you. Bye.

( sighs )

( grandiose music playing )

ROY ( over radio ):
Aeromass.

The official airline of New
England proudly announces...

( knocks )

Hey, Joe. You have a minute?
Can I talk to you?

Not really.
I'm kind of busy.

This won't take long.

I was just wondering
if Brian mentioned--

Oh, I don't want to talk
about this.

But I'm afraid of disappointing
him. I don't know what he wants.

Well, what makes you think
I'd know?

Well, because
you're his brother.

There must be something,
you know, special

that no woman's ever given him.

Hey, we're Catholic. We don't
talk about stuff like that.

What's the big deal? I mean,
he must have said something.

All right, okay. All right.

He, uh, told me that you two
finally slept together

and it wasn't that great, okay?

Oh. I was talking about
his birthday.

I didn't know what to get him.

I can't believe he said that.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I mean, he's right.
The sex wasn't great.

Well, look, uh...

have you, uh, thought about
jumper cables?

Oh, that's sick.

I meant for his birthday.

( mellow jazz theme playing )

Gee, Hackett, it's almost 4:30.

Where do you suppose
that briefcase could be?

( grandiose music playing )

Roy, would you please
turn that thing off?

FAY:
Uh, now, now.

You don't want to be too
frazzled for your interview.

Fay, look, I just don't have
time for this interview today.

Could you please
call the reporter and cancel?

Well, I would,
but I don't know his name.

Think. What newspaper
does he work for?

I don't know.

( sighs )
Uh, it was, uh,

the New York Times
or the Boston Globe.

Or-- It was a big one.

Hi, uh, Scotty Nelson
from the Sconson High Tattler.

Oh, that's the one.

Uh, look, Scotty,
I just don't have time

for this interview today.

Oh, come on.

It's just a little profile.

If I don't get this interview,
I'll flunk Journalism.

If I flunk Journalism,
then I won't graduate.

Please.

( sighs ):
Okay. All right.

Uh, but-- But you only have
five minutes, okay? Come on.

Uh, I don't know why
you're even bothering

with a puff piece.

The hard news
is at the cemetery.

( jazzy theme playing )

The slant of the article
is, uh, class presidents:

where are they now?

Well, that's interesting.

So tell me, what are some
of the other class presidents

up to these days?

Well, uh, one is serving
on President Clinton's staff.

Another one's a correspondent
for CNN.

One's a chief
financial off--

I'm not talking about
the old guys.

I mean, you know.
Well, actually,

they're all younger
than you, Joe. But, uh,

they were either too busy
to be interviewed

or too far away.

Lucky for me
you haven't gone anywhere.

( laughs )

Yeah, let's get started, Scotty.
I got kind of a time problem.

Oh, okay. Uh, in your
senior yearbook,

you said that your goals were,

and I quote,

"To fly jets,

"raise a family

and live in some faraway
exotic place."

So does your airline
have any jets?

No.

Are you married?

No.

Fiancée?

No.

Do people your age
still have girlfriends?

Yes.

So you have a girlfriend?

No.

And you still live
in Nantucket.

( chuckles ):
I think we covered that.

( motorcycle engine roars )

Uh, excuse me one second,
Scotty.

Lowell. Lowell!

Hey, could you shut
the motorcycle off?

I'm in the middle
of an interview, here.

Oh, uh, sorry, Joe.

Come on, Scotty.

Scotty?

Would that be Scotty Nelson?

Sconson High Tattler ?

Ho-ho! Lowell Mather.

Oh, I never miss your column.

You know, I especially loved
the exposé you did

on gym class.

I agree.
Dodge ball: what's the point?

Joe, the man is here
about his briefcase.

( sighs ):
Damn!

I'm dead!

Briefcase?

Uh, that reminds me.

Uh, Joe, Ernie walked this over
from Air Freight

about an hour ago.

Please don't kill me.

Kill you? Kill you?

Mwah.

Scotty,

I'd appreciate it if you'd keep
my name out of this.

Now, now, now, now, Joe.

Time's running out for George.
When will you call the mayor?

I will get to it, Fay.
I promise you.

Hey, hey.
Thanks a lot, Joe.

I don't know what you said
to Alex,

but she's incredibly upset
and I want you to fix it.

All right. I-- I'm sorry. I'll
do whatever I can. I promise.

Joe, Davis called and he
apologized and so I forgave him.

But do you think I did
the right thing?

Yes, yeah, I-- I-- I do think
so. We'll talk about this later.

Joe? Joe, this is Mr. Donovan,
the loan officer.

Mr. Donovan, Joe Hackett,
the most responsible man I know.

Hi, uh--

Joe, I've got the mayor
on the phone.

Sir.

It took me some doing,
but here it is.

It's your briefcase.

Look, I'm really very sorry

that you had a bad experience
with Sandpiper.

And I'd like the chance
to make it up to you.

So if you ever decide
to fly with us again,

that flight's on the house,
okay?

It's scratched.

What?

There's a scratch on it.

Right here.

And it wasn't there before.

I'm filing a damage claim.

Somebody's going to pay
for this.

It is not going to be me.

Well, that's not a problem, sir.

There's no need to file
a report. Here, come with me.

I've got just the thing
for you.

I am gonna take your briefcase

and put it through our special
scratch remover.

You can collect your bags
right through there.

Thank you for flying
Sandpiper.

Uh, don't think
I'll be needing you today.

All right, Scotty.
Where were we?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

You were, uh, asking me
about my life.

Well I think that right here
is pretty much

everything you need to know.

This is Nantucket.

I was born here,
I live here,

and I am probably
gonna die here.

Joe, take it easy. Relax.

No-- Relax?
I can't relax.

If I relax,
who's gonna try

to keep this damn airline
in business?

Certainly not you.

No, you're too busy wrestling
with life's greater problems

like your recent battle
with mediocre sex.

A little louder. I don't think
everybody heard you.

No, I could hear fine, thanks.

Joe, stop it.

No, you stop it, Helen.

You stop coming to me
every time you have a problem

with your boyfriend.

Did it ever occur to you
that I'm alone here,

and maybe I don't want
to hear about it?

I am sick of everyone
running to me

every time they have a problem.

Fay has a crisis.
Run to Joe.

Antonio wants to buy
a new cab. Run to Joe.

Roy wants to gloat.
Run to Joe.

Where do I run to?
Where do I go?

Where do I go

when my--
My dream of flying jets

turns into the nightmare
of being a baggage handler, huh?

Somebody tell me.

Where do I go

when it finally dawns on me

that my life sucks?

Hi, Joe.

Joe, hey--

( engine rumbles )
Joe, what--?

What the hell
are you doing?

Joe, where are you going?

( mellow jazz theme playing )

JOE:
Well, this is where you
came in.

The truth is,
once I got on that bike,

I just wanted to keep going.

I remembered thinking
I don't care where I go,

as long as it's not back there.

But you know,
in my wildest dreams

I never thought I'd end up
like this.

( all giggle )

A minute, 47.

That's the record.

( all cheer )

Oh, yes. Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, somebody owes me a drink.

I can't believe
you just jumped in

with all your clothes on.
You're crazy.

( mellow jazz theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )