Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 6 - Black Eye Affair - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Can you believe this?

I just got my new
driver's license.

I look like a terrorist.

Oh. T-that is a bad picture.

Nah. I can top that.
Look.

My eyes are shut.
I look like I'm dead.

Oh, oh, oh.
I'd take dead.

I look like
I've just been exhumed.

( chuckles )

I've got you all beat.
Here.



This has got to be, by far,

the ugliest driver's license
picture ever.

Ugh.
Ooh. We have a winner.

Yep. You win.

That is the worst.

Hey. Morning.

Oh, morning.
Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe.

You left your wallet on
the kitchen table this morning.

Oh, wow. Oh, man, thanks,
I owe you one.

Hey.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Helen, these cranberry muffins
are delicious.

Mm. And this jelly
is wonderful.

I never realized
all the incredible things



you could with cranberries.

Oh, yeah?
Try the cranburger.

Well, I was just trying
to get in the spirit

of the cranberry festival.
You know, Antonio and I went out

and gathered them ourselves
yesterday.

Oh. Did you use
a frilly little basket

and skip across the meadow?

Hey, I spent a lovely day

watching several beautiful women
bend over, so lay off.

Um, I don't mean to be rude,
dear, but you look like hell.

Well, I was up all night.

I was waiting for Davis to call.

I waited and I waited, and I got
tired of waiting alone,

so I figured I'd wait
with a couple of my friends:

Ben and Jerry.

Now that you mention it,

you do look as if you might have
put on a pound or two.

You do look a little chunkier.

Does anyone else
have any opinions

that they'd care to share?

Well, as long as you're asking,
yeah.

I don't think this guy's
any good for you.

One date, you're already
jumping through hoops.

Well, it would have to be
one mighty big hoop.

( phone rings )
I'll get it.

Lunch counter.

It's the jerk.

Davis. Hey.

Tonight?
Oh, of course I'm not busy.

All right, I'd love to.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I can't believe you're
gonna be here in four hours.

Oh, God, I can't believe he's
gonna be here in four hours.

Okay. Okay, okay, let me think.
I'm gonna get my hair done.

I need to get some dinner
reservations. I've got--

You've got to relax.
Right.

Right.
I'm just a little nervous.

We're finally going out
on our second date.

I want it to be perfect.
JOE: Don't worry.

Everything's gonna work out.
'Cause he's not gonna show.

He's gonna call and cancel
like he did the last five times.

Oh, man. He's not gonna call
and cancel.

Thank you, Brian.

Twenty bucks he sends flowers
and a kiss-off note.

No, no, no, he's gonna fax her
from the plane.

Have his secretary call.

Message on her machine.

Female impersonator
with a singing telegram.

I can't believe you guys
are betting against my date.

You're all wrong.
He's gonna show up.

Yeah. All I have to do
is to get something to wear.

Yeah, I think this date
will go off without a hitch.

Oh, you're right, it will.
I'll tell you what.

Why don't I take you shopping?
Hm.

And you put down that doughnut

or we'll have to take you
to the big girl's store.

Okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.

I've got a good feeling
about you and this young man.

( mouth full ):
Thanks, Fay. Okay, let's go.

FAY:
I'll be right with you, dear.

Twenty bucks
he sends a candy gram.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, Roy, I've been curious.

Exactly what is the history

behind our lovely
cranberry festival?

Oh, it's a beautiful story.

Long ago,
on a brisk fall afternoon,

the city fathers got together
and decided

that between Labor Day
and Christmas,

we needed a way
to suck in the tourists.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go kick myself
for asking.

Hey, Helen,
I heard about Davis.

Did you do something
to your hair? It looks great.

Yeah, I just got highlights
put in,

and I just got
these new shoes.

Oh, I love those.
They look really uncomfortable.

Yeah,
they're a little tight,

but they go perfectly
with this new dress.

Which looks really small.
Yeah, it's a little tight,

but it goes perfectly
with the shoes.

I-I may be stupid,

but why would anybody ever buy
a dress that doesn't fit?

Well, after she loses
a few pounds,

she doesn't want it
to be too big.

But if it is too big, you could
always wear it as a tunic, uh,

with some tights.
Oh, yeah. Or you could take

the belt from
your plaid suit

and cinch it in at the waist.
And cinch it in.

That'd be great.
Suddenly outnumbered,

the male of the species
runs to warn the others.

Oh, hey, Chapel, you got
a message while you were gone.

Oh, no. Davis canceled,
didn't he?

That louse.

Uh, not that it matters,
but, um,

did he call
or send a candy gram?

No, it was La Maison
about your dinner reservations.

No can do.
Oh, no.

All the other restaurants
are booked

'cause of the stupid
cranberry festival.

Helen. Ah, Helen, relax.

I'll get you in to La Maison.

Yeah?
Oh, yeah.

I have a way with the French.

You know,
you drop a few names,

you'd be surprised
at the results you can get.

Hello, hello.

( speaks in French )

I'm on hold.

Lowell, I didn't know
you were bilingual.

Oh, I'm not. I'm just
being friendly to the guy

because I need a table.

Ah, oui, monsieur.

S'il vous plaît un table
pour Jacques Cousteau

et Catherine Deneuve?

Non?

Gérard Depardieu
et Catherine Deneuve?

Non?

How about Gérard Depardieu
and Jacques Cousteau?

Non?

Et vous aussi idiote.

( spitting )

Hello? Hello?

Not getting a table, am I?

Please. Catherine Deneuve
couldn't even get a table.

Here I go. Start scratching
every time I get nervous.

Okay.

Davis is gonna be here
in two hours.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, I can do this.
I can do this. I can do this.

I can do this.
Let me think.

Got it. Lowell.

You're a great cook.
Do you think you can help me out

and come over to my house
and cook dinner for us?

I only have two hours.
( scoffs )

Helen, I could never prepare
anything

that would live up
to my standards in two hours.

Well, can you do something
to live up to my standards?

Sure. And I'd even have time
for a snooze.

Great. Thanks a lot.
You're a real lifesaver.

Okay, get movin'.
Clock's a tickin'.

Okay, okay.
See, Helen?

Everything's gonna be okay.

You're right.
I better get moving.

WOMAN:
Helen.

HELEN:
Stella?

What are you doing here?

Dominick and I broke up?

He's been seeing other women
again.

Oh, Stella.

Alex, this is Stella.
Stella, Alex.

She's my friend from New York.
Nice to meet you.

Helen, remember when you said
Yeah.

if I ever needed
someone to talk to?
Right.

Well, I hope you don't have
any plans for tonight,

because I really need someone
to talk to.

( sobbing ):
Oh, Helen.

Tonight?
Yeah.

Oh, Stella.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sobbing )

Oh, Stella,

you know how much
that I care for you,

but, um, listen.

Uh, I think you should go home

and patch things up
with your boyfriend.

No.

I have to stay away from him.

But I can't be alone.
I'm a mess.

I need.

Oh.
Oh, now, now.

Now, eating for comfort's
only gonna make it worse.

Oh, no. Don't you remember?
I have to eat like this

or I have trouble
keeping my weight on.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Okay, um, listen.
Stella, about tonight--

Yeah, can we go somewhere
and talk?

Oh, y-- We can. We--
Talk is good.

But, you know,
it just occurred to me

that maybe I know someone
who might be more helpful.

Really? Who?

Oh. Wait right here.

Oh, my God.

It is her.

The Slick and Speedy
motor oil girl.

Oh. You know my work?

My name's Stella.

Wow, you're a model?

Whoa, yes you are.

Could you sign this for me?

Sure, I'd be flattered.

Just write,
"To Roy,

thanks for the most incredible
night of my life."

Yeah.

If you really wanna
make it realistic,

write in tiny letters
at the corner,

"Help me,
I'm trapped in his basement."

Thanks.
I can't wait to tell

my buddies down at the lodge
I met you.

Hey, can I see that?

Okay, but don't smudge
the good parts.

Wow, December.

Boy, it must have been
awful cold

sitting on that snowmobile
in just that little bikini, huh?

Whoa! No need to answer
that one, huh?

( both chuckle )

Hey, Slick and Speedy.

Her name is Stella.

I was talking to you.

You know, I'm a grown man.
I can look at this if I want to.

I just don't want to.

Oh, come on, Joe.
You have to help me.

I need.

No. No, Helen. No way.

Just 'cause you have a date
doesn't mean you can dump

some emotional wreck on me.

Did I mention
Stella's gorgeous?

( scoffs ):
Oh, yeah, right.

Sure she is. Whenever a woman
says another woman is gorgeous,

she usually has an underbite
like a Lhasa apso.

Uh-uh. Forget it, no. I'm tired
of being Mr. There-For-Everyone.

Helen.

Oh, Stella.
Stella, hi. Joe Hackett.

Helen was just telling me
what you're going through.

You poor thing.
Listen, um,

why don't we get together
and have dinner tonight?

We can talk about it.
I get off at 7.

Great. Pick her up at 7:30.

Helen, Helen, menu's all set.
Yeah.

Great.
Who's this?

Oh, this is my friend Stella,
from New York. Lowell.

I can't work under
these conditions. I quit.

Wait. Wait, why?
Because you said

there was only gonna be
two for dinner.

Did you think her meal was just
gonna magically appear?

Lowell, she's not eating.

Oh, nice hostess.

Listen, you come around
to the back door,

I'll fix you a little plate.

ALEX:
Helen.
Yes.

You're scratching again.

You need to relax.

Come with me to the gym.

Thirty minutes on
the StairMaster, a nice swim--

Oh, like I have time
to do that.

You can sweat off
a few pounds.

Good point. Let's go.

All right.
I'll meet you there.

Okay. Come on, Stella.
Helen, I've gotta get sleep.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Got it.

Lowell, take my keys.

You go home, get dinner started,
and give Stella a lift.

Oh, great. First I'm the chef,
then I'm the chauffer.

What's next?
Watering the polo ponies.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I'm the Slick and Speedy
girl.

Heh-heh. You know,
I appreciate your candor,

but quite frankly, I like a
little more mystery in a woman.

Hey, girl, how you doing?
Hey.

You know what? I'm just
handling everything great.

Really.
Davis'll be here soon.

Got my hair done,
got a new dress.

Stella's taken care of.
Lowell's cooking for me.

I have time for a workout.

Everything's going great.
Thanks.

Great.

Oh, God.
Everything's not going fine.

I just gave Lowell
my car keys.

Look, just calm down.
Get a grip, okay, Helen?

Here, you can borrow mine.
Okay.

Oh, thank y--

Heh! Hey, hey, you remember
when we were kids,

and we used to play
"keep away,"

and remember I used to go
like this?

Oh, yeah, and I used to go
like this?
Oh!

Yeah, I forgot that part.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh. Of all the places
I could have taken a breather,

I picked the racquetball court?

Oh, God. Look at my eye.

Helen, trust me. It's nothing.
It's hardly noticeable.

Really?
Yeah.

My God! Look at your eye!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

There you go. See?
I told you.

With makeup,
that eye looks much better.

Really?
LOWELL: Absolutely.

You know, you dim the lights,
that eye looks almost human.

Okay, now,
this is not gonna be a problem.

I mean, it's gonna look fine,
and it's no big deal.

This'll be fine.
Right, right.

And once you put your hair down,
Davis won't notice anything.

Oh, yeah. How's this?

Oh, G--

What? What is it?

Aaagh! Oh, God!
My hair. It's green.

You know,
on the plus side, though,

it'll draw attention
away from the eye.

Alex, how did this happen?

Um, maybe your new highlights

reacted with the chlorine
in the pool.

"Come to the gym. A good swim
will make you feel better."

Thanks a lot, Alex.
Come on, Helen.

You can deal with this.

You're feisty,
you're resourceful.

I'm green. Okay.

Let's see. Davis is gonna
be here any minute.

Um, what am I gonna do?

Okay, I got it.
Um...

You set the table.
I'm gonna go upstairs.

I'm gonna dye this out.
I'm gonna put on my dress.

I'm gonna check on Stella
while I'm up there,

and everything will be fine.
Right. Just relax.

Oh, I'm relaxed.

( doorbell rings )

( gasps ):
Oh, no, it's Davis.

Hoh-hoh, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Brian.

Ah, nice to see you too.

I don't mean it like that.

It's just that things
are a little crazy.

Sure. I'll get out of here
as soon as I can.

As soon as I find my keys.
I gave them to Helen.
Oh.

Um, Helen,
where are Brian's keys?

HELEN:
I don't know, down there.

Just look around.

BRIAN:
Whoa.

Klaatu, barada, nikto.

Very, very, very funny.
They're right down--

They're not. Okay. Okay.

Let's find Brian's keys
and get him out of here.

We'll find his keys,
you go upstairs and get ready.

It's not a problem.
Okay, not a problem.

Mm.

All right. Hold it.
Don't move.

All right, somebody took
a crab-filled snow pea.

Was it you?

( mouth full ):
No.

Come on, give.

Come on.

Well, nobody's gonna want
this one now.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no! It's Davis.

Well, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Roy.

HELEN:
What is he doing here?

I wanna get a picture
with Stella.
Forget it.

Helen's upstairs trying
to get ready for a date

and Stella's asleep.
Ah. So I understand.

It's not a good time, is it?
No.

Okay, I'll just park it
over here till it is.

Ooh.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no. It's Davis.
LOWELL: Heh-heh.

Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Joe.

Well, that was charming.
Hey, where's Stella?

Whoa, wow, that's right.

Tonight's your big date
with Lynch.

No wonder you pulled out
all the stops.

Cram it, Joe.

What's all the noise out here?

I'm trying to stuff a capon.

Now, Lowell.
Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna take care of all this
right here.

You just go back in the kitchen
and stuff it.

The-- The capon.

All right. I'll try.

Okay. I can do this.

I can do this.
I can--

What are you people doing
in my home?

I'm here to pick up Stella.
Uh, looking for my keys.

Okay. Roy, what would you
possibly be doing in my home?

I'm here to take
a naked picture of Stella.

What?

Helen, I'll deal with this.
You go get ready.
Yes.

Remember, you can do this.

I can do this.

Wait a second.
You're going out with Stella?

Oh, boy, what I wouldn't give
to f--

Find my keys.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, no, it's Davis!

Mm. Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

It's just Antonio.

HELEN:
What is he doing here?

Feeling unwelcome
at the moment.

Helen, could you come down here,
please? It's urgent.

HELEN:
Oh, for crying out loud.
I'm busy!

Yes, what? What? What is it?

Agh! Agh! Heh.

Just--
Uh, listen.

Uh, the doctor says I have
a severe case of poison oak

from picking berries with you
yesterday.

What?
Ah, well, don't worry.

I mean, the good news is

that I don't have
those big red blotchy marks

like those.

Agh.

Oh, good. Poison okay.

With any luck,
it'll kill me.

Now, the doctor gave me
this calamine lotion to, uh--

To relieve the itching, so...

There.

Well, look how pink it is.

Pink is pretty.

Freeze, Biggins.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, it's Davis.

Dinner, not ready.

Stall him.

Uh, it's just three strange guys
with cameras.

Hey, in here, guys.

Slick and Speedy girl
will be down any minute.

Who are you--?

( stammering )

What are you doing here?

( chuckles ):
That's her?

Boy, they really touch up the
bad parts on those calendars.

Roy, get your friends
and leave.

Haven't you found your keys yet?
As soon as I do,

I'll get out of your hair.

Bad choice of words.

Just check upstairs.

Right.

Uh, Joe, do me a favor, please.

Scratch my back.
I can't reach.

No, forget it.
I'm not gonna touch that.

It's contagious.

Please, I'm dying here.

Ah.

Oh.

When was the last time
you had a manicure?

( crashing )

Ca--

All right, all right.

Nobody panic.

Dinner's gonna be
a little delayed.

I just have to reassemble
the chicken from memory.

Oh, there goes dinner.

Helen, Helen, hang on.

Okay. Okay.

Because, see, um,
Davis is not here to eat food,

he's here to see me, right?

Okay, so everything's gonna be
fine.

( Stella screams )
No, it's not.

Whoa. Who knew Stella slept
in the nude, uh?

Boys--
Hold it right there.

Okay, let's see.
Somebody go check on Stella.

Joe, that's your job.
Please knock first.

Okay. But, uh, if I'm not back
in ten minutes,

send up some champagne.

So you saw her naked, huh?

It was awful, honey.
Hold me.

( doorbell rings )
Oh, no! It's Davis.

Heh-heh, dinner's not ready.

Stall him.

Hey, it's just Fay and--
Who the hell are you?

Dominick. Stella's boyfriend.

Heh-heh, oh, no.

He was making a commotion
at the airp-- Ooh.

Oh, well, then, fine.
Bring him here, Fay.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're Stella's boyfriend?

Oh, I know.
I couldn't believe it either.

Where is she?

Hey, Stella!

Stella!

She's upstairs naked with Joe.

Stella!

Helen, quick,
I need you to taste the sauce.

Not now, Lowell.

Oh, great. I slave over
a hot exploding stove,

and you don't even have a minute
to try the sauce.

Well, I guess I'm gonna have
to leave then.

Okay, tasting the sauce.

( all shouting indistinctly )

So Stella, this is the wimp
who's taking my place?

Wimp?
Yeah.

You have no right
to call anyone anything,

Mr. Hot-Shot-Photographer.

You're the one
that had the affair

with the Sports Illustrated
swimsuit model.

Really? Which one?

Why are you even here?

Because I love you, Stella.

Ah. And you show your love

by seducing the hottest actress
in Hollywood?

Really? Which one?

Dump the geek and let's
get out of here, Stella.

Geek. Oh, time to go,
little man.

You want a piece of me,
rubber neck?

Come on!

Agh!

Okay, I can do this.

Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.

Okay, that's it.
It's over. I quit.

This was supposed to be
a beautiful night,

and I have green hair,
a black eye, and blotches.

Look at me. Just look at me!

It's prom night,
and I'm Carrie.

Actually,
Carrie could be hosed off,

and then she was okay.

But you, well--
That's it.

Everybody out!
Get out of my house!

Go!

Get out. Get out.

Who are you?
I don't care, get out.

( panting )

( doorbell rings )

What the hell do you want?

Oh, Davis.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )