Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 5 - An Affair to Forget - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, look...

I-I-I know
this whole...

abstinence thing
was my idea

but I-I-I think we've waited
long enough, huh?

Maybe you're right.

I mean,
the whole point was

to get to know
each other better

and I feel we have.

Exactly, what more do we
need to know?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.



We waited this long,

we should make our first time
really special.

Let's make our second time
really special.

Let's make our first time
really soon.

No, I mean it.

Uh, let's go away
this weekend.

Someplace
really romantic.

I promise it'll be
worth the wait.

Okay.

Okay,
we'll do it your way.

Just leave everything
to me.

Okay.

Poor fools.

They don't know
what they're missing.



( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Morning, Lowell.

Hey, Roy,
good morning.

Remember, kids,

someone says
"good morning" to you,

always say
"good morning" back.

Even if you could
care less.

Uh, Lowell, what--
What are you doing?

Oh, you know,
I'm recording my thoughts.

I have one almost,
uh, every day.

I'd have bet against it.

Yeah, since my divorce I don't
get to see my kids very often.

I don't want 'em
to miss out on any

of my excellent
fatherly advice.

Which reminds me.

Never talk to strangers...

unless you know them
really well.

Well, your children
are very lucky, Lowell.

All my father ever
told me was,

"You may not be strong,
you may not be smart,

but you sure are
a hairy little monkey."

Morning, Helen.

Wow, nice flowers.
No they're not.

It's Davis' way of saying that
he's not coming this weekend.

Lynch again, huh?
Better off without him.

Joe,
you just don't like him

because he wouldn't invest
in your business,

but you've got to listen to me,
he feels really bad about that.

He does?
Yes. He said--

You know,
with the new tax plan and all,

he is gonna wish he had

a few more lousy investments
to write off.

Well, he can
eat his heart out

'cause I'm gonna lose more money
this year than I ever have.

Roy, look who's coming in
through Gate 1.

ROY:
Oh, wow.
She's gorgeous.

Oh, Roy, you've been drooling
over that woman for months.

Are you ever gonna
talk to her?

Now, now, I wouldn't know
what to say

to a lady like that.

But she's beautiful.
Who is she?

Her name's
Barbara Farkichevski

She's been flying into the
island on my airline for months.

I just haven't been able to get
up the courage to talk to her.

Well, uh, I-I think if you did,
she would marry you in a second.

You think so?

Oh, yes,
anything to get rid of

that name: Farkichevski.

Oh, why don't you just
talk to her?

What am I gonna say?

Well-- Well, lis--
Oh, I know, I know.

Here, uh, um, make believe
that Lowell is Barbara

a-and let me hear
what you'd say to her.

Lowell?

Yes. Let me hear
your best opening line.

Oh, will you stop that?

All right.

Now, here's
the best one I got.

Baby, you got it all:
face, boobs and caboose.

Mother was right.

Men are scum.

What?

What was wrong
with that? What?

Oh, you're just like
an artichoke:

one unsightly layer
after another.

Well,
then what should I do?

Well, with a lady like that
you'd need a whole new approach.

Yes, and perhaps a whole
new look wouldn't hurt either.

Maybe we could do a--
What do you call it?

--a makeover?

Oh, well in this case,
more like a make-do.

Yeah, right.

Like I'd let you two
anywhere near me.

I'm all yours. Strip me naked
and start from scratch.

Well, let's hope
that won't be necessary.

Let's start with
the hair. Uh...

what is this goop
you put on it now?

I don't put anything
on it.

( Fay and Antonio laughing )

No, really?

Really.

Fay, we have much to do.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Ah, remember the good old days
when this used to be my office?

Hold on, hold on. Would you just
give me a minute, please?

I'm trying to rent
this really incredible

cabin up in Connecticut
for me and Alex.

Oh, so, uh, does this signal
the end of this celibacy kick?

Well,
let's put it this way:

I've been carbo-loading
for two days.

Yeah, that sounds great.
I'll take it.

How much?

Uh, maybe you don't
understand.

I'm bringing
my own woman.

No, no, no,
that's okay.

That's o--
Yes.

All right,
we'll see you there tonight.

Ow. Okay

All I need from you now
are the keys to the plane

and I'm outta here.

My plane?
Yeah.

Sorry, man.
I've got a flight

first thing
in the morning.

The salmon fishermen,
remember?

Oh, now wait.

Uh, I don't want
to hear about

anybody spawning this weekend
but me.

Well,
c-could you fly us there?

You can pick us up tomorrow on
the way back from your charter.

Oh, come on! It's not like
you got anything else going on

in your crummy
little life.

Oh, good salesmanship.

Comin' through. Move.
Get outta my way.

Move, move, move.

Davis called.
He's free after all.

I'm going to New York
to see him.

Hey, Roy, get me on your last
flight to LaGuardia.

No can do.
It's booked.

Uh-- Ugh.

Then I'll ride up front
with the pilot.

I already sold that seat.

Fine. I'll ride down below
in a pet carrier.

Believe me,
I would love to oblige

but the FAA said
I can't do that anymore.

Joe, you got a plane.
You can take me.

Where is it, out in the hangar?
Let's go. Move it!

Joe, I know
you don't like Davis.

But if you don't take me
to New York,

I'll kill you
while you sleep.

Well, gee,
when you put it that way

it makes it so hard
for me to say

no way in hell!

That's right. Because if he's
gonna take anybody, my sweet,

it's gonna be me and Alex
to Connecticut

because I am his brother,
after all.

Oh, yeah, the brother who once
stole his fiancée.

Wait a second.
Who's dating the guy

who won't invest
in his airline?

Well,
who's his best friend?

Oh, really?
Well, who wrecked his ca--

Never mind.

Brian,
why are we fighting?

You know,
we can both have our way.

This is Joe
we're talking about.

I mean, we've been getting
our way with him for years.

Let's do it.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I panicked.

I-I-I-- All right,
let's do what we do best.

BOTH ( whining ):
Joe.

I hate this.

Really hate this.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Lowell, Fay,

your attention please.

I now present the new
and improved Roy Biggins.

This season,
romance is in the air,

and its name is Roy.

A fashion must
for any occasion

is this navy
pinstriped Italian suit,

silk tie
and matching handkerchief.

The pants are pleated.
The jacket is ventless.

It's bold, it's beautiful,
it's Biggins.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Do I look dumb or what?

A little,

but the clothes help.

Now, now, Roy,
we're not done.

Uh, do you remember
your new opening line?

Uh, okay, Lowell,
if you please.

What is this? Am I the only
available woman on the island?

All right, here goes.

I don't mean
to be forward,

but if beauty
were sunlight,

you would shine
from a million miles away.

Oh, goodness.

Never be ashamed of
your feelings.

Even if they scare you.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Oh, God.

I feel like we're mom and dad
taking the kids to the prom.

Just give 'em a break, Joe.
They're in love.

And while you're at it,
you know,

you could be
a little happier for me too.

I'm sorry. Did I forget
to express my glee?

( sighs )

You know, this landing strip
is supposed to be right up here

but, uh, with this fog.
I don't know.

Don't know what?

Yeah,
just land the plane.

Brian,
look at this weather.

All right, if you can't
set her down then let me do it.

Well, maybe you should
let me do it.

Really, it's okay, I'm perfectly
capable of landing a plane.

But I have more experience
flying in bad weather than you.

Would you both shut up?

I know how to land a plane.

Well, then land.

Joe, don't you let them
tell you what to do.

Do what you think is right.
Thank you.

Which is obviously
going to New York.

Land.

Joe, don't let them
pressure you.

You just do
what you think is best.

Helen, could you quit digging
your nails into my thigh?

Land.
Look, look.

There's an opening
in the cover.

You can get through that.
Land.

Look, you want me
to risk my life

just so you two
can have sex?

Well, when you
put it that way-- Land!

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs )

I was out of my mind
to try that landing.

Yeah, well, life's a gamble,
then you die. See ya!

Yeah, see ya.

( hatch closes )

( sighs )

Do you believe how selfish
those two are?

Yeah, they're awful.
Now, quit yakking

and get me to New York.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

( sighs )

Thanks for starting
the fire.

Oh, it was
my pleasure.

Here, we'll throw
another log on.

( groans )

Ah,
this is so wonderful.

Be even more romantic
if my butt wasn't numb.

Let's see.

Where else could we
possibly be more...

comfortable?

Mine.

( speaking gibberish )

You know,
poets spend their lifetimes

trying to write about
moments like this and...

all I could think of
to say is...

yippee.

Stay right there.
I will.

Wild horses couldn't
drag me away.

Although I'm game
for almost anything.

( knocking on door )

( knocking on door )

JOE: Very funny, Brian. Come on.
HELEN: Open the door, Brian.

Go away.

Mm.

Was there someone
at the door?

Yeah, it was just the gruff,
yet kindly, caretaker

asking if we had
enough wood

and, my God,
we do.

( knocking on door )

Hi.

What are they
doing here?

JOE: Open the damn door please.
HELEN: Open the door, okay?

JOE:
Please open the damn door.

( grunts angrily )

Hey, look!
It's Joe and Helen.

Let's kill them.

The fog got worse.
I couldn't take off.

Yeah,
you big chicken.

If Chuck Yeager were here
he would slap your face.

Oh, it's a fascinating,
fascinating tale,

but what the hell are you
doing here?

This was the only building
for miles.

Not true. There's a little town
not two days walk from here.

Hey, this place
is pretty nice.

Hey,
where's the damn phone?

I have to call Davis
and tell him I won't be there.

There is no phone
or TV or radio.

What are you talking about?

Then what are you
supposed to do here?

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Now, what are you looking at?
You think I want to be here?

Pfft.

I know.
I'm being selfish.

No, no, you're not
being selfish.

We had a perfectly lovely
evening planned

and they ruined it.

And you--
You can stop smiling.

No, actually,
I can't.

( laughing )

As you so kindly pointed out,
uh, I had no plans this evening,

but watching
those of you who did

is not without
a certain entertainment value.

So, what do you want
to do, huh?

Hey, how about,
uh, charades?

No. No charades.

First one to mime something
dies.

Come on,
you don't like mimes?

I think
they're pretty clever.

Mimes are not clever,
they're--

They're white-faced,
big-mouthed, glove wearing,

little, horrible jerks
who live in imaginary boxes,

and if I hear
another word about it,

I'm not gonna be held
responsible for my actions.

Ooh, we're scared.

Try me.
Mime something.

You know,
I have an idea.

Why don't you two guys
go outside and get lost?

Well, I would, but I can't
seem to get out of this box.

JOE: No, no, wait.
Hey. Hey.

Would you guys
just please stop it?

You're right.
You know, she's right.

You're
absolutely right.

There's no reason why this can't
be a perfectly pleasant evening.

Just keep a leash
on gland-boy.

Helen.
Mm?

Maybe you ought to give
the champagne a rest.

Oh, what does it matter?

It's all gonna be over as soon
as Davis buys that chewing gum.

Gum?

If I don't get to New York,
Davis is gonna get bored

and he's gonna go down to
the local newsstand

to buy a pack of gum.

And he's gonna meet this
beautiful girl there

buying the latest issue
of Cosmo-- The slut.

And they're gonna
fall in love

and get married
and have two kids...

and live in a little house with
a white picket fence.

( sobbing ):
My house.

And I'm gonna end up living in
a shopping cart.

And all the kids are gonna
point at me and say,

"Oh, well,
there's crazy old Helen.

She never made it
to New York."

Joey,
where's your compassion?

Take Helen to New York.

You're right. Okay.
All right, I will.

But I can't get to the door.
It's too windy!

You are so dead!

Come on.
You mime.

I've had it.
I am out of here.

Oh. Whoa. Okay, okay, okay,
That's a great idea, okay.

We'll leave them here.

You and I will
go in the woods

and we'll get back
to nature, huh?

Brian, when are you gonna
get it?

Our romantic evening
is not gonna happen.

All right, all right,
well I'm coming with you then.

I'm just going for a walk.
You don't need to come along.

I know I don't need
to come along,

but if something were to happen
to you, I'd feel responsible.

( laughs sardonically )

Don't worry.
I can take care of myself.

In the service
we had survival training

they used to just
drop us off

in the middle of nowhere
for days

with nothing but
a fishhook and a piece of twine.

And that's
relevant because...?

I think it's pretty clear,
Brian.

She can always defend herself
with a freshly caught trout.

Oh, Joe, look.
I don't have a lifeline.

Listen, I just want to
go for a walk.

If I run into trouble,
I can handle it.

Of course you will.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Um, skip it.
Skip it.

No, no. Go ahead.

Okay. Okay.

Why do you always have to be
so tough all the time?

Why-- Why can't you be
more of a--?

A what?

Uh, okay.

A girl.

Oh, Helen,
pay attention.

This is getting good.

Well,
if I'm so masculine,

why are you so hot
to sleep with me?

Oh, I wish we had
some popcorn.

Y-you're just so...
competitive.

I am not.
Oh, my God!

What about when we were on
the plane?

I said,
"I could land."

You said, "No. I-- Let me.
I can land better."

I mean, you're constantly
one-upping me.

If I say "planes,"
you say "jets."

If I say "walk,"
you say "run."

You say "potato,"
she says--

No thanks.
I'll just have the rice.

Listen, Alex--
Alex, come on, please, please.

We didn't come here
to fight, okay?

We're just--
We're tense.

Why don't we take
that walk together

and we'll find a place
where we can-- You know...

Oh, wait a minute.

That's right.

You wanna have sex.
I forgot.

Fine.
Let's have sex.

( flatly ):
Come on, big boy.

Make me a real woman.

Make the earth move.

Ooh, baby. Ooh, baby.
You're the best.

Yeah, that's great.
Thank you. That's great.

Oh, could you
pull over the car?

I think I'm gonna
be sick.

Hey, you know what?

We ought to book this place
again for next year.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

Uh, what flight
is she on, Roy?

Nineteen.

She should be here
any minute.

Ah.

Now go sweep that
beautiful woman off her feet.

Uh, do you remember
your new opening line?

Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

I don't mean
to be forward, but...

if beauty were sunlight,

you'd shine from
a million miles away.

That is really beautiful.

( chuckles )

Tell me more.

Um--

I-if beauty were--
Were sunlight,

you would s-shine from...

a million miles away.

What?

Uh--

( chuckles nervously )

Uh, i-i-if beauty
were, uh--

Uh, were sunlight,
you would--

You-- Oh, boy.

You would be shining
from a m-million...

Ah, the hell with this.

Joe,
where have you been?

The boys from the salmon club
have been calling all morning.

( laughing ):
Uh...

well, that's kind of
a long story, Fay.

I'll go call 'em
right now.

Now, w-w-wait a minute.
What happened to Helen?

Her Mr. Lynch called and said
she never got to New York.

She was with me.

Oh, really?

FAY:
Oh, Helen. Uh--

I just heard about
you and Joe.

Congratulations.

For what,
not killing him?

I gotta go call Davis.

Uh, good morning,
Alex.

I guess there's no doubt
that you had a nice evening.

Guess again.

I give up.

Alex.
Alex, come on.

I can't take
the silent treatment anymore.

Look,
I know we both said

some rotten things
to each other last night and...

we're obviously both too proud
to make the first move.

So how about this?

What if, at the same time,
we both say...

"I'm sorry," okay?

Okay? Okay.

One, two, three.

I'm sorry.
I accept.

( upbeat piano theme
playing )

( upbeat piano theme
playing )