Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 4 - Business or Pleasure - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Yes, hi, information. Uh,

I was hoping to get the number
for Larson's Hardware.

Okay. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

555-8436.

555-8436.

Helen, do you have a quarter for
the phone?

Yeah, that's right.

Three cases of 7UP, four V8.
555...

8436...
No, make that four 7UP--

Uh, Roy, do you have 25 cents
for the phone?



Departing at 4:35.
555...

8436.
Oh, that's fine.

Meet you at the corner
Need a quarter.

of Third and Maine at 12:45.
Phone.

1:15?
8436...

5--
Aeromass Flight 27,

formerly Flight 19
departing from Gate 1,

is now Flight 21
departing from Gate 2.

555-8436.

Helen. Helen, for God's sake,

do you have a quarter
for the phone?

I-- 555-8436. 5--

Helen. Muah, muah, muah.

555-8436.



555-8436.

Ah. Larson's Hardware.
Oh, great.

Oh. Listen, uh,
do you have any--?

You have any idea why I called?

( upbeat theme playing )

Lowell, got the plane all gassed
up and ready to go?

Yeah, it's all gassed up, Joe.

But it's not going anywhere.

What? Why?
Ah,

the old pump's leaking
like a sieve.

Ah, damn it.

Well, how fast can you
put in a new one.

Uh, take about 20 minutes.
Okay, good.

But we don't have one.

Why the hell not?

Well,
when I wanted to stock it

you said we didn't have
the money, Mr. Curse Words.

Roy, look, I know that I'm
the competition and everything,

but I'm in a real bind here.

I need a spare oil pump.
You got one?

What's that Pilot Hackett
of Sandpiper Air?

Your only aircraft
is malfunctioning again

and you have no spare parts?

Thanks. Thanks, Roy.

Anytime. Anytime.

Lowell, order a pump.
Yes, sir.

Fay,
announce the cancellation.

Uh,
attention Sandpiper passengers,

due to mechanical difficulties,

we are cancelling flight number
25 to Boston.

( all groaning )

Would you rather go home
in a body bag?

Fay.
Joe, it's basic psychology.

They were upset.
Now they're glad to be alive.

Joe,
we heard the announcement,

what is it this time?
What's going on?

What's go--?
I'll tell you what's going on.

The plane broke down again.
I had to cancel another flight.

I'm screwed,
that's what's going on.

Gee, you're just replacing
that old plane piece by piece.

Yeah, why don't you
just buy a new one.

Now, that is a great idea.

I know I have a couple
of hundred thousand dollars

around here somewhere.

Oh, darn it,
I left it in my other pants.

Got any other good suggestions?
I got a suggestion for you.

Why don't you take a flying--
He can't, doesn't have a plane.

Ha, ha.
Oh, man, you know,

I can't take this anymore.

I can't even keep the one plane
I have in the air.

If I'm ever gonna make anything
out of this airline

I've gotta find an investor.

Even if it means giving up
part of the company.

No, you know, I don't like
the sound of those guys.

They come here,
expect us to work even harder

than we already do.

You work 18 hours a week.

You know me, I'm a giver.

Well, listen, I've heard all
about these business sharks.

First some snotty MBA comes in,

and hires a bunch
of smiley bimbos

to youthify our image,

then they loop the pension fund,

force me into a nursing home,

where I spend the rest
of my days sitting alone,

listening to the sound of bugs

slamming themselves against
the florescent lights.

Hey, Fay's on board.

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, let's go over
this one more time.

Brian is flying a very important
man over here right now.

His name is?

BOTH: Davis Lynch.
Good. Now,

it is important for us to be
extremely nice to him,

because he is?

BOTH: The money guy.
Great. Good. Okay, now.

You gotta remember these people
are extremely serious,

button-down three-piece
suit types.

So if we're gonna convince him
to invest in us,

we have to--
Kiss his--

Fay.

Oh, well, I'm sorry,
it's just the way I feel.

Sandpiper is a really nice
little family operation.

Do you wanna go
and ruin everything

by turning it into
a successful business?

Hey. I'm there for you, Joe.

If you wanna ruin Sandpiper,
hey, you can count on me.

Hackett, you're dreaming.
No company worth a damn

is gonna waste
it's time on you.

What's the matter, Roy, afraid
of a little serious competition?

Not as long as you're here,
skippy.

Hey, hey.
Hey.

Hey, have you got him?
Is Lynch here?

Yeah. He's right behind me,
and don't worry,

he's feeling much better now.
And to think I made fun of you

for Scotchgarding the seats.

What?

Mr. Lynch, hi. Uh, Joe Hackett.

I'm really sorry, I heard you
had a pretty rough flight.

If there's anything I can do--
Joe, Joe.

Uh, you're Davis Lynch?

Yeah, you're Joe Hackett?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Joe, that was
the worst flight of my life.

And I was once
in a midair collision.

I-- I am so sorry.
Look, why don't we go over here

and get you something
to settle your stomach.

Helen.
Yeah.

Uh, this is Davis Lynch,

that very important visitor
I was telling you about.

You're kidding.
Uh, I mean, nice to meet you.

Uh, I think she was
expecting somebody

a little more stuffy,
staid, you know.

More like, well, you.

Ha. Ah, Helen, he's feeling
a little queasy from the flight

do you have--
Joe.

That's no way to introduce me
to a beautiful woman.

Hi. I'm Davis Lynch

and I'm incredibly nauseous.

You know, just the other day
I was talking with my friends

and I said, "you know, if only
I could meet a nauseous man,

my life would be complete."

Coming up.

Nauseous, huh?

Uh, did never happen to me.
I can eat just about anything.

Well, that's not true. There's
one thing I can't stomach.

It's when you
take a bite a chicken

and a big old vein comes
snapping back at you.

Thank you.
Uh, this is Lowell Mather,

our chief mechanic.

Charmed.

So, listen, Joe, whenever
the money guy gets here,

let me know,
I'll help you suck up.

Uh, come on,
why don't I, uh,

introduce you to the rest
of our staff.

Uh, course, you already know
my brother, Brian.

Oh, yeah, the, uh,
grossly underpaid,

underappreciated
brains of the operation.

Oh, we were just
making small talk, you know.

And, uh, Fay Cochran,
our head of reservations.

You ever tasted the food
in a nursing home?

No,
but I occasionally drop in

for a sponge bath.

Okay, here you go.

What's in it?
Uh,

let's see.
Soda, bitters, Pepto-Bismol,

soy sauce, aspirin, and a little
bitty shot of bug spray.

She's kidding.
Yes, I'm kidding.

I was out of aspirin.

God, what a smile.

Oh, thanks, I've been using
this new anti-plaque--

Not you. Her.

Although I must say your breath
is minty fresh.

I know, Joe,
you're saving it all up

for one big chuckle.

No,
I-I thought it was funny.

So, uh, let me get these papers
that you asked for.

I have here the, uh,
business plan,

tax returns,
and the profits and losses.

Good. Good, good, good.

But, you know,
first I think I'd like to

familiarize myself
with the community,

maybe, uh, take a little whirl
around the island.

I've learned you don't invest
in business,

you invest in people.

Great. Sure,
I'd be glad to show you around.

Uh.

But--
You rather go with

someone like...

Helen?
Mmm.

Oh, oh, great, yeah,
no problem, she'd love to.

Is she single?
Single and available.

Uh,
I'll go get her for you.

But, first, Fay,
why don't you show Mr. Lynch

the office
and the hangar.

Oh, certainly, Joe.

And right afterwards
I'll go dig my own grave.

Phew. That guy's a case,
isn't he?

Yeah.
How's it going?

Oh, great. Look, Helen,

I need a really huge favor.

Yeah.
Uh...

Could you maybe show Lynch
around the island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh...

I guess he's looking
for a little,

you know, companionship.

Oh, really.

So he wanted a girl,

and you just pointed at me.

No, no, no. He pointed at you
and I said okay.

Look, Helen,
just take him around

and show him a good time.

Excuse me.
Entertain him.

Give him the lay of the land.

Oh, wait. Oh, boy,
that came out wrong.

I'm just trying
to keep him happy.

This is, believe me,
completely harmless.

Yeah, it starts with a little
harmless sightseeing tour,

and before you know it,
I'm tied up in his hotel room

dialing 911 with my nose.

Now, do you still want me
to do it, Joe?

Would you?
Oh. Forget it, Joe.

Helen,
nothing is gonna happen.

Look, Helen,
this is not just my business

we're talking about.
It's my life.

Lynch is the only guy
who would even return my calls.

With his help I could maybe
turn Sandpiper into something,

instead of just limping along
like I do now.

Please, Helen, is there any way
you can help me out?

So even if did,
who would watch my counter?

Antonio would be happy to.

Would be happy to what?

To watch Helen's counter.

Uh, for 50 bucks.

You're right,
Antonio would be happy to.

And here we are
back at Sandpiper,

my second home,

my reason for living.

Did I mention
I have no savings?

Repeatedly. Joe.

J-just one second.
Helen, please.

I hate this, Joe.
I really hate this.

I'll do it.
Oh, thank you.

Here's Helen.

She's all yours.

Thanks, Hackett.
Don't wait up.

( melancholic theme playing )

He seemed nice.

( upbeat theme playing )

( humming )

Ah. Welcome, sir.

How can I help you?

Uh,
give me a cheeseburger.

Yes, of course,
I could give you a cheeseburger,

but, uh,
instead I am offering you

a delightful veal piccata

on a bed of homemade capellini,

a recipe that has been
in my family

over a hundred years.

Give me a cheeseburger.

Fine. Coming right up.

One greasy gray glob

of saturated fat.

So?
Have you heard from Helen yet?

Oh, please, Helen is fine.

It's Lynch I'm worried about.
You know how Helen is.

She might insult him
and blow this whole deal.

Doesn't it bother you

that you're treating her
like some kind of party favor.

It's just another
example of how

big business corrupts.

So what's next, bossman?

Topless stewardesses?

Throw in a bottomless
cup of coffee,

we got ourselves a gimmick
Oh.

What's up?

Joe sent Helen off
to entertain Lynch.

Bad move, man.
Bad move.

You're damn right it is.

This is Helen
we're talking about here,

you should've sent somebody
who'd actually sleep with him.

You're both pigs.

Thanks a lot, Joey.

Thanks a lot for turning me
into the following.

Wait, honey, I didn't mean it.

Frankly, Joe Hackett,

I'm more than a little
disappointed in your judgment.

Sending Helen off with that
Lynch guy to be his tour guide.

Come on, not you too.
Ha,

I got a message for you,
little mister.

Nobody gives a better tour
of Nantucket than Lowell Mather.

Yes, you may think of me

as just another greasy mechanic,

but you get me out
of these coveralls,

I can show any man a good time.

Hey, Roy. Uh, just--

Just a minute. Um...

Let me ask you
a hypothetical question.

If you were thinking about

doing business with some guy,

and, uh,

he set you up with a woman,
what would you expect from her?

Hackett,
you can quit blowing smoke,

I know this is about Helen.

You treated her
like some cheap hooker.

You threw her at some

horny rich guy.

Come here you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey,
you know what would be fun?

Let's rent two crab suits,

come back here
with giant mallets,

and scare the hell
out of these people.

It was kind of funny,
wasn't it?

I'm sorry, I have a big problem.

What?

I am having

a great time.

And that's a problem because...?

Because I'm mad at Joe.
He used me.

We're supposed to be
best friends.

The more fun I have, the harder
it is to be mad at him.

You know, actually Helen,

I've got kind of a problem
myself.

See, I can never remember,

when it's on the outside
it's the salad hammer, right?

So, folks, what'll it be?

Well,
what do you got?

We only serve crab.

I see.
So what would you recommend?

We only

serve crab.

Uh, two crabs dinners
will be fine.

I think he likes me.

Oh,
I think he thinks you're insane.

You've been like this
all day.

I mean, you're supposed to be
this hotshot businessman,

you can't even be serious
for 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds, huh?
Okay, here goes.

I spent eight years

at the biggest investment bank
on Wall Street.

But I woke up one morning and I
realized I rather shoot myself

than spend another day
in that stuffy office,

so I quit, started my own firm,
and I never looked back.

And as long as
I'm being serious, Helen,

I think you're the most
beautiful,

charming, intelligent woman
I've met in a long time,

and I haven't been able to take
my eyes off you all day.

And not only that,
you are the most--

Oh, that's it, time's up.
No.

[LAUGHING]
What?

Wait, let me talk to that other
guy a second please.

What other guy?
The, uh,

Mr. 30 seconds.

Little tip.
Never call a man Mr. 30 seconds.

Is your name Mr. Lynch?

Yes,
my parents were very formal.

Oh.

Well...

You have a phone call.

Oh.
Must be the office.

Helen...
Go.

I picked out

a real nice crab for you.

Thank you.

Helen.
Joe, what are you doing here?

I'm the one
that had him paged.

Are you all right?
Oh, yeah, I'm--

Well, you know, I'm doing okay
under the circumstances.

Oh, man, you know, it's horrible
that I shoved you with this guy.

Look, why don't you go home

and I'll handle this like
I should've from the beginning.

No, Joe, don't do that.

I'm gonna do everything
I can to get you this money,

and I'm not just talking
about dinner. That's nothing.

I'm gonna take him back
to his hotel,

and I'm gonna show him
a night he'll never forget.

Boy, when he wakes up
in the morning you're not

just gonna have a plane, Joe,
you're gonna have a whole fleet.

All right, okay.
I guess I deserved that.

The important thing
is you're all right.

I'm fine.
Good.

That's all I really care about.

So am I gonna get the money?

Well, whoever it was
must've hung up.

Oh, hi, Hackett.
Hi.

Who had the crab?

So, Hackett,
what are you doing here?

Well, I was just leaving, but,
you know, as long as I'm here,

uh, I was wondering
if maybe you had time

to go over those papers
that I gave you this afternoon.

Yeah, as a matter of fact I did,
but, uh,

let's talk about that tomorrow.

As long as we're here,
I think we both

would sleep a whole lot better

if we just got our business
out of the way right now.

Thank you.

Uh, so why don't you
just tell me,

uh, am I getting the money?

No, Joe, you're not.

( laughing )

It's another one of your jokes,
right?

Joe, I never kid about business.

It's the numbers.

Num-- Numbers?

W-what's wrong with the numbers?

Saturation by the competition,
size of the marketplace.

What's wrong
with the marketpl--?

The marketplace is quite big,
large, ask anyone.

Joe, the risk is too great,
the profit's just not there.

What-- What do you mean?
I make profits sometimes.

Besides,
you're the guy that said

you don't invest in business,
you invest in people.

I really gotta stop saying that.

What-- So--

So that's it? That's it?

Well, now, Joe, just calm down.
No, I am calm. I am calm.

That's it? That is the reason--
No, no, I want the real reason.

We really should talk
about this tomorrow.

No. Not tomorrow.
Right here, right now.

All right, Joe, here it is.

You're small potatoes.

For the kind of business
that I do,

Sandpiper is just
small potatoes.

Come on, Helen, let's go.

Oh, well, Joe,
I think I'll stay.

You are gonna stay here
with him, Helen?

Right now, let's go. Come on.
Excuse me, I'm not your puppy.

Sit, Helen. Go, Helen.

No, I think I'll make up
my mind myself, thank you.

Fine. If you wanna stay,
that's you business, stay.

But I have my dignity.

And if I don't get my money,
I am leaving.

You're not
getting the money.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, so I guess you heard.

Lynch isn't giving us
the money.

Now I'm right back
where I started.

Any hope I had of making
something more

out of my life is shot to hell.

Alex is really mad at me.

Does the whole world
have to revolve

around your love life?

Wouldn't it be a magical place?

And another thing, man,
let me tell you something,

Helen is a person, okay?
She's a person.

She's not some lure you use
to reel in business.

Right now,
at this moment,

I am ashamed
to be your brother.

You saw my reflection
in the windshield, didn't you?

Your hair looks great today.

You're pathetic.

You know, I-I really hate
that I'm getting good at this.

Honey.

Please.

All I want is coffee
and a doughnut.

I was up half the night

making biscotti from scratch.

All you want is a lousy,
stinkin' doughnut?

Get out of my sight.

Go away.

Shoo.
Antonio does not serve

peasants.

Hey, Antonio, thanks for
covering for me. How'd it go?

It's been slow,
I don't understand.

Helen. Uh,

Look, I've been thinking about
this all night, and, uh,

I owe you an apology.
No, it's okay, Joe.

No, it's not. I never should
have put you in that position.

And you had every right
to stick it to me

by staying with that guy.
Ooh, it's okay, Joe.

No, it's not okay. You never
should have spent one minute

with that boorish, arrogant,
self-important, pompous--

Where's the woman of my dreams?

Hey, you.

What?

I'll be back to see you
soon as I can.

I can't wait.

Bye, Hackett.
Sorry things didn't work out.

But, say, thanks for
introducing me to Helen.

Oh, Biggins,
I got those, uh,

figures you sent over
to the hotel,

they look pretty good.
I'll be in touch.

Wait-- What-- No--
Hey, what the hell is this?

I found him.
I flew him over here.

I wined him, I dined him,

and now you're gonna get
my money?

Come here, you.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )