Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 20 - Boys Will Be Girls - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
There you are,
Mr. Lattimer,
you're on our 10:00 flight
to Boston.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
What's the movie?
Oh. Oh, we're showing The Firm.
And, uh, what's the meal today?
It's beef Wellington. They
prepare it right on the plane.
And we have a fine selection
of California wines.
Uh, excuse me one second.
Fay, um,
what are you doing?
We don't have meals on our
plane, or movies or wine.
It's a half hour flight
to Boston.
Why don't you
ask Mr. Lattimer
why he's going to Boston?
So, uh, Mr. Lattimer,
what takes you to Boston today?
Gotta catch a shuttle flight
to Washington.
I have secret information
for President Roosevelt.
About the Panama Canal.
Oh.
Government business.
Fay, upgrade Mr. Lattimer
to first class.
( upbeat theme playing )
Announcing the arrival
of Aeromass Flight 12
from New York.
Hey, Scarpacci.
Punch me as hard as you can.
Right here.
Because I am-- Oh!
Don't you even wanna know why?
Doesn't matter. But if you
want me to do it again,
here's my beeper number.
Hey, uh, Roy,
what was all that about?
I'm just getting ready to say
hi to my old buddy Dan Mattay.
Gotta make sure
I can still take it.
God,
what's he doing back here?
I thought the island got rid of
that psychopath when he retired.
Wait a minute, back up.
Who is Dan Mattay?
He's our old high school
football coach.
Hey,
he wasn't just a coach.
He was a god.
That's why
the town council's
gonna dedicate
the new gym to him.
The dedication ceremony's
tomorrow.
Oh, man,
I hated the coach's guts.
I can still hear that annoying
bullhorn voice.
( as Mattay )
Hackett, you throw like a girl.
Put a dress on, Hackett.
Play the girl's team. Oh.
And you took that?
Why not?
He was talking to Joe.
Come on,
he picked on everyone.
( as Mattay )
Thirty pushups, girl.
Five laps, girls.
He was a jerk.
Oh, you guys deserved it.
You probably did play
like girls.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Everyone keeps referring to
the word "girls" as an insult.
I will have you know that women
are every bit as athletic
as men are.
Helen, think fast.
On behalf of women everywhere,
nice catch.
Man, I'll tell you, Old Coach
Mattay hasn't changed a bit.
He fell asleep
on Roy's flight.
Had to use
this to wake him up.
( honks loudly )
Didn't even
bat an eye.
Yeah, that guy always could
sleep through anything.
I remember once, the team bus
crashed on the way to a game,
He slept through it.
I think he had a little help
from his assistant coach.
Jack Daniels.
Is that the little guy
who used to hang around
the locker room staring
at everybody?
No, no, no, that was,
uh, Mr. Lebeau. Math teacher.
Right. Oh, wait--
Oh, wait a minute.
Now,
what reason would he have for--
Okay.
Come on, Bri, let's get out
of here before he shows up.
You know,
if I didn't know better,
I would think that you guys
are still afraid of him.
Oh, please.
Wait,
You know,
I'm still afraid
of my third-grade teacher
Mrs. Gatenbean.
That was, oh,
50 years ago.
Wait a minute,
she was an old witch then,
she's probably dead
and buried by now.
What a lovely day.
Come on, let's go.
Well, well, if it isn't
the Hackett sisters.
( laughing )
Oh.
You ladies still can't take it,
can you?
You know, it's too bad you're
not more like Mather here.
Now,
this is one tough kid.
He was so tough he used
to scrimmage without a helmet.
Remember that?
Wait a second. I played football
in high school?
( grunting )
He-he-hey, coach.
Roy-boy.
( both yelling )
So we gonna see you at the
dedication ceremony tomorrow?
You bet, Roy.
Hey, Scarpacci.
Hey.
This man needs a cab.
Antonio Scarpacci.
Yeah, yeah,
you just get me
downtown.
What's the matter
with you?
Come on, girlie.
Suck it up.
See you, ladies.
( in tough voice )
Oh, yeah?
Wow, that guy reminds me
of the sergeant
that we had in boot camp.
But we got even with her.
One night
we got her really drunk
and we snuck
into her room.
While she was passed out
we painted
this big black
mustache on her.
Boy, she must've felt
like a total idiot, huh?
Actually,
I think she liked it.
She ended up
letting her own grow in.
Wow, that's funny. That's funny.
You guys snuck into--
No. Oh, no, we couldn't.
I think we could.
Well, we shouldn't.
I think we should.
Oh,
what's going on?
Will you excuse me, Alex?
Uh, Joe and I are gonna go
have a little girl talk.
( piano theme playing )
Coach Mattay dead,
are you sure?
I've been practicing medicine
for 30 years.
Trust me,
this is not a coin flip.
If you don't believe me,
come in and take a look.
I'll take your
word for it.
Thanks for coming, doctor.
I knew you were on your way
out of town.
So what do you think killed him?
Depending on autopsy,
I'd say his liver.
Such a tragedy.
Still can't bring myself
to go in there.
So would you mind checking
the minibar?
You're right, that's tacky.
I'll send the maid
in the morning.
( whispering )
Okay. There he is.
Out like a light,
just like always.
Shh, shh, shh.
Okay.
You got everything?
Yeah, yeah.
Wig. Makeup.
Camera.
Oh, great.
Ooh.
Shh.
This is gonna be great.
I-- Shh.
( upbeat theme playing )
Okay, good. That's it.
So go do it, go do it.
No, you go.
Me?
You go.
No, no. You, you--
Okay, stop it, shh,
stop it, stop it, okay.
We'll do it, and then we'll just
get the hell out of it.
Okay, let's go.
( crashing )
Oh.
It wasn't me, coach.
It was Joe's idea.
He told me
to do it.
Oh, man, I can't believe
anyone would sleep
through that.
He had a little help.
Yeah,
about a quart's worth.
Hey--
Would you rela-- ?
Hey,
this guy's out cold.
You're right.
Anyway, he is gonna thank us
in the morning,
because he is gonna wake up
with a brand new head of hair.
Oh!
What do you think?
BRIAN:
He's the ugliest woman
I've ever seen.
Which is why
he needs
a little makeup.
You know, uh,
I think the coach
needs a little blush.
He's looking a bit peaked.
Hey, um, Brian?
Yeah.
Brian, it's, uh,
scaring me just a little bit
how good you are at this.
Oh, and you know
what would look great?
Some of those big,
dangly earrings.
No.
You wanna make him look cheap?
Okay, you're right.
It's just so hard
to accessorize a football coach.
What do you think?
Reckless Red for the lips?
Excellent.
All right, now get the picture.
Get the picture.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dress, dress, dress, dress.
JOE:
All right, coach.
I know you didn't keep in touch
with your players,
but we are gonna make sure they
all get an up-to-date photo.
Oh,
we're gonna be famous.
We're gonna be legends.
( upbeat theme playing )
I will never forget
last night
as long as I live.
Hey, that's something we
should've done a long time ago.
Yeah. You were great.
No, no, man.
You were great.
Any regrets?
Not a one.
Hey, um, did you guys hear
the news about Coach Mattay?
News?
What-- What news?
It's really awful.
BRIAN: Mm-hm.
( Joe and Brian giggling )
What is so funny?
Should we tell her?
Uh...
Well, okay,
I think we can tell her.
I think she's trustworthy.
Um, Helen...he, he...
Um,
we not only
heard the news...
Uh,
we were responsible.
( Joe and Brain laughing )
What? What?
What do you mean
you were responsible?
We snuck into his hotel room,
and we payed him back for all
those years of abuse.
Man,
he got what was
coming to him,
baby.
Look.
Oh, oh,
look at that expression.
Seeing this makes
it all worthwhile,
man,
I'm telling you.
No,
tell me this is not happening.
Tell me I'm not
hearing this.
JOE: What is the matter?
Tell me that it was an accident.
And tell me
that it wasn't premeditated.
What?
Of course it was premeditated.
You can't do something
like that without a plan.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Helen. Helen. Lighten up.
Where's your sense of humor?
Don't touch me.
Helen. He called us girls
in high school.
I mean,
fair is fair.
Because a man calls you girls
in high school,
you sneak into his room
and do that to him?
BOTH:
Yeah.
The man is dead.
Huh?
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Now,
when you say "dead",
do you mean dead as in, uh,
"I just went jogging,
boy am I dead"?
No, I mean dead as in,
"I just stopped breathing,
boy am I dead."
How could you do
something like this?
We didn't kill him.
how could you think
we'd do something so crazy?
All we did was sneak
into his hotel room
and dress him up
like a woman.
God, what a re-- You what?
We thought
he was sleeping.
Oh, my God.
He must've woken up,
seen himself in the mirror
and had a heart attack and died,
I think we did kill him.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You killed him, man.
Don't try to drag me into this.
I need a lawyer.
Fay, get me Dershowitz.
Hey, guys,
hear about Coach Mattay dying?
Yes, we did,
and as a matter of fact,
Joe and Brian--
Heard about it, and, uh,
and we--
We feel really terrible.
Listen, Lowell, uh,
You didn't happen to find out
what killed him did you?
Uh, as a matter
of fact I did.
As you may know, my cousin Bevo
enjoys hanging around
at the morgue.
Uh, just for fun?
Why else?
Anyway,
apparently the cause of death
was the old John Barleycorn.
Demon rum.
Hooch.
What?
According to Bevo, he died
of cirrhosis of the liver.
Uh, uh, is he sure?
Hey,
if there's on thing Bevo knows,
it's livers.
Oh, interesting sidebar,
whenever they found the coach,
apparently he was dressed
like a woman.
Are, uh, are you sure?
Hey, if there's another thing
Bevo knows, it's cross-dressers.
Oh, thank God.
So w-we didn't kill him.
Yeah. Wait. I just thought
of something worse.
We kissed a dead guy.
BOTH:
Ugh.
You know,
I'm not even gonna ask.
All I know is, you have to tell
everyone what you did.
What, but why? Why?
He died of natural causes.
Because. I mean, if people find
out how he was found,
they're gonna think
he was a transvestite.
You know how gossip spreads
in this town.
Look, d-- Do not worry.
The only two people who know
are Lowell and Bevo.
That's right. As long as we
keep our mouths shut,
no one ever
has to know.
You're kidding.
Lipstick and a wig?
Coach Mattay?
( gasps )
A frilly little tutu?
Oh, Ruthie, that's amazing.
What else have you heard?
I can't believe
you guys.
What, a tutu?
Hey, listen,
we did not do the tutu.
It was a very
tasteful evening gown.
BRIAN:
That's right.
Just relax, Helen,
just 'cause Fay heard something
doesn't mean
that it's public knowledge.
I've got a great joke
for you.
What's the difference
between
Coach Mattay
and J. Edgar Hoover?
About four
dress sizes.
God.
( laughing )
You see what you've done?
Okay,
so a few people are talking.
Brian
I have a question that could
affect our entire relationship.
Did you kill Coach Mattay?
No.
Buy you did dress him up
like a woman?
Yeah.
Just checking.
Roy, listen, did you hear
anything about Coach Mattay?
You mean all those rumors going
around town about his death?
Well, I, for one,
wanna go on record as saying
I do not believe one word of it,
not for a second.
Coach Mattay was a prince.
And a princess.
Hey, hey, hey.
We used to hunt
and fish together.
That man was as tough
as nails.
I heard they were press-ons.
Hope they're not cancelling
the dedication ceremony
for the new gym.
ROY: Are you kidding?
They're gonna turn
it into a memorial service,
and it's gonna be my honor
to preside over the ceremony.
If you had any class,
you'd send flowers.
Or just a corsage.
Look what you guys did
to that man's reputation.
Well, you're gonna have
to tell the truth.
Wh-- Wh-- Bu--
Yes, you're gonna go down
to the memorial service
this afternoon, and you're gonna
set the record straight.
What?
What, are you nuts?
And if you don't, then--
Then what?
Then you're gonna be
in a lot of trouble
'cause I'm gonna tell.
Will not.
Will so.
Will not.
Will so.
Will not.
Will so, will so, will so.
We may have to kill her.
( upbeat theme playing )
( chatter )
( groans )
God,
there's the coach's son.
BRIAN:
Haven't seen him in years.
He's grown.
A lot.
Bud. I'm gonna go offer
my condolences.
BRIAN:
Jeez, uh, Bud...
doesn't look very happy,
does he?
His father's dead.
I'd rather die
than tell him
that we gave his father
a makeover.
Look,
we still might not have to.
There's a lot of people here.
They're still honoring him.
No harm, no foul.
We'll just--
Excuse me, if, uh,
if you'll all be seated
we can get started.
Bud is really
broken up.
You guys better go tell him
what you did to his dad.
Hope he doesn't break
you in two.
Come on, Helen,
he's not really that tough.
Oh, really? At the funeral
he's the only pallbearer.
Dear friends,
I think it's particularly
appropriate
that we're all
gathered here today
in the new Dan Mattay gymnasium.
To honor a man
who gave so much to his com--
Ah, you're kidding?
Y-you saw him
with your own eyes?
Uh-oh.
All right, let's get on with it.
Uh, here's a plaque, he's dead,
life goes on, let's go home.
Um, uh,
wait just a minute please.
Apparently Helen Chapel
has got something
she wants to say
about Dan Mattay.
The twink.
Well, all I have to say is...
that Joe and Brian Hackett
have something to say.
Told you we
should've killed her.
Uh...
I think that, uh, my feelings
can best be summed up
in the words of...
my brother Brian.
( blowing )
I'll really miss him.
Joe.
All right, if you don't
tell them, I'm telling Bud.
All right, okay,
all right, look. Um...
Look,
there have been a lot of rumors
going around about the coach.
And, uh, obviously it's, uh,
time that you all
found out the truth.
So here it is, here's the truth.
There is nothing wrong at all
with dressing up like a woman.
What?
No, no, no, look, I mean,
aren't we tired
of these witch-hunts?
Shouldn't a man's proclivity
be irrelevant
to judging who they are
as a human being?
I've always thought so.
Dan Mattay was a great coach,
and a great man,
and that's the way he should be
remembered,
and I, for one,
think that it would be a shame
if recent events did anything
to tarnish his reputation.
Wait a minute.
You two guys say that's
okay that my dad
dressed up like a woman?
Well,
okay is a very strong word.
Yeah, and if you don't like
it we can always take it back.
I've had enough
of this talk.
So now I'm gonna
do something
that my old man
would've wanted me to.
Oh, Dad...
if only I would've
known sooner.
There's so much
we could've shared.
This is for you.
( sighs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
That's great.
No, glad to hear it.
You're welcome. Okay.
It's Bud Mattay again.
He keeps calling
to say thank you.
You know, you two never did
tell the real truth
Helen, what does it matter now.
The Coach got his gym,
and his son feels closer
to his father than ever.
All right.
Well, I gotta go
'cause I'm meeting Bud
at my place.
What for?
Uh, I'm letting him borrow some
earrings for the funeral.
Hey, guys. Uh, listen,
I was over at the drugstore
and they had these pictures
ready for you.
Pictures?
Uh, listen, Lowell, you didn't
take a look at them did you?
No, no. None of my business.
Uh, hm, so, uh,
is there anything else, Lowell?
Well, Joe...
I think we talked about a raise.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
There you are,
Mr. Lattimer,
you're on our 10:00 flight
to Boston.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
What's the movie?
Oh. Oh, we're showing The Firm.
And, uh, what's the meal today?
It's beef Wellington. They
prepare it right on the plane.
And we have a fine selection
of California wines.
Uh, excuse me one second.
Fay, um,
what are you doing?
We don't have meals on our
plane, or movies or wine.
It's a half hour flight
to Boston.
Why don't you
ask Mr. Lattimer
why he's going to Boston?
So, uh, Mr. Lattimer,
what takes you to Boston today?
Gotta catch a shuttle flight
to Washington.
I have secret information
for President Roosevelt.
About the Panama Canal.
Oh.
Government business.
Fay, upgrade Mr. Lattimer
to first class.
( upbeat theme playing )
Announcing the arrival
of Aeromass Flight 12
from New York.
Hey, Scarpacci.
Punch me as hard as you can.
Right here.
Because I am-- Oh!
Don't you even wanna know why?
Doesn't matter. But if you
want me to do it again,
here's my beeper number.
Hey, uh, Roy,
what was all that about?
I'm just getting ready to say
hi to my old buddy Dan Mattay.
Gotta make sure
I can still take it.
God,
what's he doing back here?
I thought the island got rid of
that psychopath when he retired.
Wait a minute, back up.
Who is Dan Mattay?
He's our old high school
football coach.
Hey,
he wasn't just a coach.
He was a god.
That's why
the town council's
gonna dedicate
the new gym to him.
The dedication ceremony's
tomorrow.
Oh, man,
I hated the coach's guts.
I can still hear that annoying
bullhorn voice.
( as Mattay )
Hackett, you throw like a girl.
Put a dress on, Hackett.
Play the girl's team. Oh.
And you took that?
Why not?
He was talking to Joe.
Come on,
he picked on everyone.
( as Mattay )
Thirty pushups, girl.
Five laps, girls.
He was a jerk.
Oh, you guys deserved it.
You probably did play
like girls.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Everyone keeps referring to
the word "girls" as an insult.
I will have you know that women
are every bit as athletic
as men are.
Helen, think fast.
On behalf of women everywhere,
nice catch.
Man, I'll tell you, Old Coach
Mattay hasn't changed a bit.
He fell asleep
on Roy's flight.
Had to use
this to wake him up.
( honks loudly )
Didn't even
bat an eye.
Yeah, that guy always could
sleep through anything.
I remember once, the team bus
crashed on the way to a game,
He slept through it.
I think he had a little help
from his assistant coach.
Jack Daniels.
Is that the little guy
who used to hang around
the locker room staring
at everybody?
No, no, no, that was,
uh, Mr. Lebeau. Math teacher.
Right. Oh, wait--
Oh, wait a minute.
Now,
what reason would he have for--
Okay.
Come on, Bri, let's get out
of here before he shows up.
You know,
if I didn't know better,
I would think that you guys
are still afraid of him.
Oh, please.
Wait,
You know,
I'm still afraid
of my third-grade teacher
Mrs. Gatenbean.
That was, oh,
50 years ago.
Wait a minute,
she was an old witch then,
she's probably dead
and buried by now.
What a lovely day.
Come on, let's go.
Well, well, if it isn't
the Hackett sisters.
( laughing )
Oh.
You ladies still can't take it,
can you?
You know, it's too bad you're
not more like Mather here.
Now,
this is one tough kid.
He was so tough he used
to scrimmage without a helmet.
Remember that?
Wait a second. I played football
in high school?
( grunting )
He-he-hey, coach.
Roy-boy.
( both yelling )
So we gonna see you at the
dedication ceremony tomorrow?
You bet, Roy.
Hey, Scarpacci.
Hey.
This man needs a cab.
Antonio Scarpacci.
Yeah, yeah,
you just get me
downtown.
What's the matter
with you?
Come on, girlie.
Suck it up.
See you, ladies.
( in tough voice )
Oh, yeah?
Wow, that guy reminds me
of the sergeant
that we had in boot camp.
But we got even with her.
One night
we got her really drunk
and we snuck
into her room.
While she was passed out
we painted
this big black
mustache on her.
Boy, she must've felt
like a total idiot, huh?
Actually,
I think she liked it.
She ended up
letting her own grow in.
Wow, that's funny. That's funny.
You guys snuck into--
No. Oh, no, we couldn't.
I think we could.
Well, we shouldn't.
I think we should.
Oh,
what's going on?
Will you excuse me, Alex?
Uh, Joe and I are gonna go
have a little girl talk.
( piano theme playing )
Coach Mattay dead,
are you sure?
I've been practicing medicine
for 30 years.
Trust me,
this is not a coin flip.
If you don't believe me,
come in and take a look.
I'll take your
word for it.
Thanks for coming, doctor.
I knew you were on your way
out of town.
So what do you think killed him?
Depending on autopsy,
I'd say his liver.
Such a tragedy.
Still can't bring myself
to go in there.
So would you mind checking
the minibar?
You're right, that's tacky.
I'll send the maid
in the morning.
( whispering )
Okay. There he is.
Out like a light,
just like always.
Shh, shh, shh.
Okay.
You got everything?
Yeah, yeah.
Wig. Makeup.
Camera.
Oh, great.
Ooh.
Shh.
This is gonna be great.
I-- Shh.
( upbeat theme playing )
Okay, good. That's it.
So go do it, go do it.
No, you go.
Me?
You go.
No, no. You, you--
Okay, stop it, shh,
stop it, stop it, okay.
We'll do it, and then we'll just
get the hell out of it.
Okay, let's go.
( crashing )
Oh.
It wasn't me, coach.
It was Joe's idea.
He told me
to do it.
Oh, man, I can't believe
anyone would sleep
through that.
He had a little help.
Yeah,
about a quart's worth.
Hey--
Would you rela-- ?
Hey,
this guy's out cold.
You're right.
Anyway, he is gonna thank us
in the morning,
because he is gonna wake up
with a brand new head of hair.
Oh!
What do you think?
BRIAN:
He's the ugliest woman
I've ever seen.
Which is why
he needs
a little makeup.
You know, uh,
I think the coach
needs a little blush.
He's looking a bit peaked.
Hey, um, Brian?
Yeah.
Brian, it's, uh,
scaring me just a little bit
how good you are at this.
Oh, and you know
what would look great?
Some of those big,
dangly earrings.
No.
You wanna make him look cheap?
Okay, you're right.
It's just so hard
to accessorize a football coach.
What do you think?
Reckless Red for the lips?
Excellent.
All right, now get the picture.
Get the picture.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dress, dress, dress, dress.
JOE:
All right, coach.
I know you didn't keep in touch
with your players,
but we are gonna make sure they
all get an up-to-date photo.
Oh,
we're gonna be famous.
We're gonna be legends.
( upbeat theme playing )
I will never forget
last night
as long as I live.
Hey, that's something we
should've done a long time ago.
Yeah. You were great.
No, no, man.
You were great.
Any regrets?
Not a one.
Hey, um, did you guys hear
the news about Coach Mattay?
News?
What-- What news?
It's really awful.
BRIAN: Mm-hm.
( Joe and Brian giggling )
What is so funny?
Should we tell her?
Uh...
Well, okay,
I think we can tell her.
I think she's trustworthy.
Um, Helen...he, he...
Um,
we not only
heard the news...
Uh,
we were responsible.
( Joe and Brain laughing )
What? What?
What do you mean
you were responsible?
We snuck into his hotel room,
and we payed him back for all
those years of abuse.
Man,
he got what was
coming to him,
baby.
Look.
Oh, oh,
look at that expression.
Seeing this makes
it all worthwhile,
man,
I'm telling you.
No,
tell me this is not happening.
Tell me I'm not
hearing this.
JOE: What is the matter?
Tell me that it was an accident.
And tell me
that it wasn't premeditated.
What?
Of course it was premeditated.
You can't do something
like that without a plan.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Helen. Helen. Lighten up.
Where's your sense of humor?
Don't touch me.
Helen. He called us girls
in high school.
I mean,
fair is fair.
Because a man calls you girls
in high school,
you sneak into his room
and do that to him?
BOTH:
Yeah.
The man is dead.
Huh?
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Now,
when you say "dead",
do you mean dead as in, uh,
"I just went jogging,
boy am I dead"?
No, I mean dead as in,
"I just stopped breathing,
boy am I dead."
How could you do
something like this?
We didn't kill him.
how could you think
we'd do something so crazy?
All we did was sneak
into his hotel room
and dress him up
like a woman.
God, what a re-- You what?
We thought
he was sleeping.
Oh, my God.
He must've woken up,
seen himself in the mirror
and had a heart attack and died,
I think we did kill him.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You killed him, man.
Don't try to drag me into this.
I need a lawyer.
Fay, get me Dershowitz.
Hey, guys,
hear about Coach Mattay dying?
Yes, we did,
and as a matter of fact,
Joe and Brian--
Heard about it, and, uh,
and we--
We feel really terrible.
Listen, Lowell, uh,
You didn't happen to find out
what killed him did you?
Uh, as a matter
of fact I did.
As you may know, my cousin Bevo
enjoys hanging around
at the morgue.
Uh, just for fun?
Why else?
Anyway,
apparently the cause of death
was the old John Barleycorn.
Demon rum.
Hooch.
What?
According to Bevo, he died
of cirrhosis of the liver.
Uh, uh, is he sure?
Hey,
if there's on thing Bevo knows,
it's livers.
Oh, interesting sidebar,
whenever they found the coach,
apparently he was dressed
like a woman.
Are, uh, are you sure?
Hey, if there's another thing
Bevo knows, it's cross-dressers.
Oh, thank God.
So w-we didn't kill him.
Yeah. Wait. I just thought
of something worse.
We kissed a dead guy.
BOTH:
Ugh.
You know,
I'm not even gonna ask.
All I know is, you have to tell
everyone what you did.
What, but why? Why?
He died of natural causes.
Because. I mean, if people find
out how he was found,
they're gonna think
he was a transvestite.
You know how gossip spreads
in this town.
Look, d-- Do not worry.
The only two people who know
are Lowell and Bevo.
That's right. As long as we
keep our mouths shut,
no one ever
has to know.
You're kidding.
Lipstick and a wig?
Coach Mattay?
( gasps )
A frilly little tutu?
Oh, Ruthie, that's amazing.
What else have you heard?
I can't believe
you guys.
What, a tutu?
Hey, listen,
we did not do the tutu.
It was a very
tasteful evening gown.
BRIAN:
That's right.
Just relax, Helen,
just 'cause Fay heard something
doesn't mean
that it's public knowledge.
I've got a great joke
for you.
What's the difference
between
Coach Mattay
and J. Edgar Hoover?
About four
dress sizes.
God.
( laughing )
You see what you've done?
Okay,
so a few people are talking.
Brian
I have a question that could
affect our entire relationship.
Did you kill Coach Mattay?
No.
Buy you did dress him up
like a woman?
Yeah.
Just checking.
Roy, listen, did you hear
anything about Coach Mattay?
You mean all those rumors going
around town about his death?
Well, I, for one,
wanna go on record as saying
I do not believe one word of it,
not for a second.
Coach Mattay was a prince.
And a princess.
Hey, hey, hey.
We used to hunt
and fish together.
That man was as tough
as nails.
I heard they were press-ons.
Hope they're not cancelling
the dedication ceremony
for the new gym.
ROY: Are you kidding?
They're gonna turn
it into a memorial service,
and it's gonna be my honor
to preside over the ceremony.
If you had any class,
you'd send flowers.
Or just a corsage.
Look what you guys did
to that man's reputation.
Well, you're gonna have
to tell the truth.
Wh-- Wh-- Bu--
Yes, you're gonna go down
to the memorial service
this afternoon, and you're gonna
set the record straight.
What?
What, are you nuts?
And if you don't, then--
Then what?
Then you're gonna be
in a lot of trouble
'cause I'm gonna tell.
Will not.
Will so.
Will not.
Will so.
Will not.
Will so, will so, will so.
We may have to kill her.
( upbeat theme playing )
( chatter )
( groans )
God,
there's the coach's son.
BRIAN:
Haven't seen him in years.
He's grown.
A lot.
Bud. I'm gonna go offer
my condolences.
BRIAN:
Jeez, uh, Bud...
doesn't look very happy,
does he?
His father's dead.
I'd rather die
than tell him
that we gave his father
a makeover.
Look,
we still might not have to.
There's a lot of people here.
They're still honoring him.
No harm, no foul.
We'll just--
Excuse me, if, uh,
if you'll all be seated
we can get started.
Bud is really
broken up.
You guys better go tell him
what you did to his dad.
Hope he doesn't break
you in two.
Come on, Helen,
he's not really that tough.
Oh, really? At the funeral
he's the only pallbearer.
Dear friends,
I think it's particularly
appropriate
that we're all
gathered here today
in the new Dan Mattay gymnasium.
To honor a man
who gave so much to his com--
Ah, you're kidding?
Y-you saw him
with your own eyes?
Uh-oh.
All right, let's get on with it.
Uh, here's a plaque, he's dead,
life goes on, let's go home.
Um, uh,
wait just a minute please.
Apparently Helen Chapel
has got something
she wants to say
about Dan Mattay.
The twink.
Well, all I have to say is...
that Joe and Brian Hackett
have something to say.
Told you we
should've killed her.
Uh...
I think that, uh, my feelings
can best be summed up
in the words of...
my brother Brian.
( blowing )
I'll really miss him.
Joe.
All right, if you don't
tell them, I'm telling Bud.
All right, okay,
all right, look. Um...
Look,
there have been a lot of rumors
going around about the coach.
And, uh, obviously it's, uh,
time that you all
found out the truth.
So here it is, here's the truth.
There is nothing wrong at all
with dressing up like a woman.
What?
No, no, no, look, I mean,
aren't we tired
of these witch-hunts?
Shouldn't a man's proclivity
be irrelevant
to judging who they are
as a human being?
I've always thought so.
Dan Mattay was a great coach,
and a great man,
and that's the way he should be
remembered,
and I, for one,
think that it would be a shame
if recent events did anything
to tarnish his reputation.
Wait a minute.
You two guys say that's
okay that my dad
dressed up like a woman?
Well,
okay is a very strong word.
Yeah, and if you don't like
it we can always take it back.
I've had enough
of this talk.
So now I'm gonna
do something
that my old man
would've wanted me to.
Oh, Dad...
if only I would've
known sooner.
There's so much
we could've shared.
This is for you.
( sighs )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
That's great.
No, glad to hear it.
You're welcome. Okay.
It's Bud Mattay again.
He keeps calling
to say thank you.
You know, you two never did
tell the real truth
Helen, what does it matter now.
The Coach got his gym,
and his son feels closer
to his father than ever.
All right.
Well, I gotta go
'cause I'm meeting Bud
at my place.
What for?
Uh, I'm letting him borrow some
earrings for the funeral.
Hey, guys. Uh, listen,
I was over at the drugstore
and they had these pictures
ready for you.
Pictures?
Uh, listen, Lowell, you didn't
take a look at them did you?
No, no. None of my business.
Uh, hm, so, uh,
is there anything else, Lowell?
Well, Joe...
I think we talked about a raise.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )