Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 21 - Roy Crazy - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
It's hokey.
It's not. It's funny.
It is not.
It is. Uh, okay, wait--
Guys-- Guys, maybe you can, uh,
settle something for us.
Now that Alex and I
are living together,
we wanna change the message
on her answering machine.
Now, Alex wants a standard
"We're not in. Yadda yadda.
Beep." Right? Okay.
I think that I have come up
with something that just has
a little more personality.
BRIAN:
Okay, ready?
I really don't wanna do this.
Just play along.
Okay.
( pirate voice ):
Avast there, mateys.
This is Captain Brian.
And this is Damsel Alex.
We're not aboard
the Jolly Roger right now.
But leave a message or we'll
make you walk the plank.
BOTH:
Arr. Arr. Arr.
What do you think?
It's the most moronic thing
I've ever heard.
Uh, can you guys put that
on my machine?
Correction: That is the most
moronic thing I've ever heard.
( piano theme playing )
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a woman
with silky blond hair,
alabaster skin
and eyes a man can get lost in.
Have you seen her?
I used to be her.
( chuckles )
But I-I-I guess
you want Helen Chapel.
She runs the lunch counter here.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Here's your French toast
and your eggs.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, what can I get you?
Nothing.
Okay.
Uh, do I know you?
I'm Mark,
your waiter from the Crab House.
You were there a few months ago.
I served you...
crabs.
Oh, yeah, right.
I just came by to say, "Hi."
So...
hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Close your eyes and you'd swear
you were at
the Algonquin Round Table.
Oh, my God.
Look at that woman.
BRIAN:
That's Roy's ex-wife.
Hold it. Hold it.
Somebody actually
married Roy?
Hey, there, Roy, uh,
over at your counter--
Isn't that your ex-wife?
Oh, my God. It is Sylvia.
Hackett, don't let her see me.
The last time we were together
she sicced a rottweiler on me.
FAY:
That's your ex-wife?
She's so elegant and refined
and attractive and, um--
And what? Is it so hard to
believe she was married to me?
Yeah.
What'd she do, lose a bet?
( grumbles )
Hey, what's goin' on?
It's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.
FAY:
Can you believe it?
Sure, why not?
Thanks, Chapel.
It's exactly the way
I pictured her.
HELEN:
All the way down
to that tacky fur coat.
No, not her. The blond.
No way.
Why don't you go over
and talk to her, Roy?
( grumbles )
Oh, what the hell.
How do I look?
Well--
That's good enough.
Man, this is gonna be great.
She is gonna tear him up.
( giggles )
Sylvia.
Hello, Roy.
Hi. Heh-heh.
What are you, uh--?
What are you doing
on Nantucket?
I wanted to get away
from Boston for a few days,
and Palm Beach this time of year
is silly with Eurotrash.
I-I-I guess you must've
forgotten
that I live here, huh?
Not at all.
In fact, I was hoping
I would run into you.
What are we lookin' at?
That blond over there
Roy's talking to?
That's his ex-wife, Sylvia.
No way.
Yeah.
JOE:
She's so...
attractive.
She oughta be. She married
a hotshot plastic surgeon.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
When she was married to Roy,
she probably looked like Myra
from down at the bait shop.
I dated Myra
for three and a half years.
A-and a lovely woman she is.
( stammers )
Who--? Who are you?
I'm Mark,
Helen's waiter
from the Crab House.
I served her...
crabs.
Oh.
What are we looking at?
HELEN:
That's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.
No way.
Here they come. Act normal.
You, you're on your own.
SYLVIA:
I don't wanna be
an inconvenience.
( chuckles )
See you guys later.
We're going to lunch.
Oh, well, a-aren't you
at least gonna introduce us?
Oh, where are my manners? Heh.
This is my, uh--
My ex-wife Sylvia.
Sylvia,
these are all the losers
I work with.
Charmed. Hee-hee.
( mellow piano theme playing )
I could watch you
scrape the gunk
off that griddle
all day.
Thank you.
Joe, you've gotta help me.
That kid's been staring at me
for hours.
He's got a crush on you.
What do you want me to do?
Tell him to take a hike.
Tell him to beat it.
Kick his weirdo butt outta here.
I would, but I'm too nice.
No, I'm not gonna
break his heart.
Besides, who can blame him?
( imitates Mark ):
You got the kind of spatulas
that drive men wild.
Is, uh, Roy back yet?
No.
Whew. Man, this--
This thing with
his ex-wife is--
Is very strange.
Whoa. What are you
talking about?
Well, I mean, Sylvia showin' up
all of a sudden,
being real nice to Roy,
inviting him out to lunch.
Come on. What's the big deal?
They were married.
I agree with Brian.
It's very strange.
Who are you again?
Don't you remember?
He's Helen's crab boy.
Oh, hello.
( humming )
Hello, Joe.
Hi, guys. Heh-heh.
Hi, Alex.
What are you
so happy about?
Yeah. Sylvia pick up the check?
Better. She wants me back.
Let's face it.
Once you've
been with Roy Biggins,
you never wanna
be with another man.
Sounds about right.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, Roy, what would
make you think
Sylvia wants you back?
She asked me to have dinner
with her tonight.
In her hotel room.
( laughs )
Smart lady. No witnesses.
( imitates Roy's laugh )
I knew she'd come back
eventually.
Now, if-- If you'll excuse me,
I have got to get ready
for the big night.
Oh, that's right. You're
about to romance a woman.
You'll wanna shower, shave,
buy chloroform.
( groans )
Okay, make all
the jokes you want,
but the important thing here
is my Sylvia is comin' back.
Did I hear Roy say
that Sylvia wants him back?
Yeah.
Well, I don't mean to be rude,
but...why?
BRIAN:
I've seen her house.
She's way too classy for Roy.
She's got a mansion, a butler.
She's got those heart-shaped
soaps in her bathroom
that a less cultured person
would've mistaken
for little white chocolates.
ANTONIO:
Yeah.
Brian does have a point.
What could Roy possibly have
that her husband doesn't?
Well, he does have
that cool chair in his office
that's shaped like a big hand.
FAY:
Well, who's to say
what attracts one person
to another.
HELEN: I know.
Sometimes you see people
and you think,
"How'd they ever get together?"
Yeah. Look at Lyle Lovett
and Julia Roberts.
I know.
What in the hell
does he see in her?
Well, I think the mark
of a good couple
is if you can
picture them in bed,
and it brings
a smile to your face.
For instance,
Fred and Ethel Mertz.
So would that be a good couple
or a bad couple?
I always thought it was
good for Fred,
bad for Ethel.
You know what's one of the great
mysteries of the world to me?
Hang on.
Charlie and Maria Callas.
Lowell, look, Charlie Callas
is a zany nightclub comic.
Maria Callas was
a world-renowned opera star.
The two have absolutely
nothing in common.
Ha! Proves my point.
Helen,
what do you find attractive
in a man?
A Harvard education.
Class of '89.
All right. All right, let's--
Let's-- Let's just--
For the sake of argument,
let's assume
that Sylvia once was
attracted to Roy.
Why in the hell would she make
the same mistake twice?
There's one possibility
we haven't considered.
Maybe we're selling Roy short.
I don't know, maybe there's
a side of him that's,
I don't know,
romantic, charming, sensitive.
ROY:
Coming through.
Coming through.
Time to take the little lady
to headboard heaven.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( phone ringing )
Aeromass.
Uh-huh.
Really?
Really?
Really? Okay.
Thanks for calling. Cool.
Yes.
Hey, what are you
so happy about?
Brian, that was some guy
on the phone
telling me that Bunny
was coming to Nantucket
to sleep with me,
because she caught him in bed
with his secretary.
Somebody just called you
on Roy's phone,
to tell you that Bunny's
coming to sleep with you?
Yeah.
Well, did he actually
ever mention Bunny's name?
Well, no,
but he said my ex-wife.
And, you know, I mean,
how many ex-wives do I have?
Oh, man, I just-- I knew--
I knew there had to be a reason.
Lowell. Lowell,
don't you get it?
That was obviously
Sylvia's husband on the phone.
He must've had an affair, right?
That's why--
That's why she came here.
To get even with him
by sleeping with Roy.
( sighs )
Yeah.
Hello.
I don't even know him.
Why would he call me?
( upbeat theme playing )
( mellow piano theme playing )
Mm. Syl, I still can't believe
we're here together.
Neither can I.
Sorta reminds me of
where we spent
our wedding night.
Oh, yeah.
Whatever happened to that car?
( Roy chortles )
No, Syl, I meant the cabin.
Oh.
Heh.
Do you want some more champagne?
Please.
Now, don't drink
too much,
or you won't
remember a thing.
Syl, Syl...
Well,
why don't I just go change.
Ch-ch-change?
As--? As in to--?
Into something
more comfortable?
[SIGHS]
Yeah.
You still want me to be here
when you come back out?
That's the point.
Oh, Syl.
Don't be long.
( laughs )
Oh, you.
( chortles )
You are a stud.
( knock at door )
( humming )
Hi, Roy. Listen, I gotta talk
to you. It's very important.
Hackett, I don't know
what the hell you're doin' here,
but whatever it is,
it can wait.
Whoa. Whoa, Roy.
Roy, it cannot wait.
It can't wait. Listen.
Listen to me.
It's about Sylvia.
I hate to be the one to have
to tell you this, but, um,
she's using you.
Not yet, but she's about to.
No, wait, Roy.
Roy, I'm tellin' you,
her husband called.
That's the reason she's here:
To get even with him
for having an affair.
Right.
And you expect me to believe
that you, of all people,
came racing
all the way down here
just to help me out?
Now, why would you do that,
Hackett, huh?
I'll tell you why. One friend
sees another friend in trouble--
That doesn't apply, does it?
No.
Well-- Look-- I don't know.
Uh, listen, yesterday if you
told me that I would've taken
one step out of my way
to help you,
I would've said you were crazy
but the fact is that
when one guy sees another guy
about to get dumped on,
he wants to help him out.
Even if that guy is you.
Wait a minute here, Hackett.
You are serious.
Yeah, I'm serious.
So what you're saying
is that Sylvia doesn't care
anything about me,
I don't mean anything to her,
that she just wants
to get me into bed
and use me like some
cheap piece of meat?
Exactly.
I can live with that.
Wow-ow-ow, Syl.
You look great.
That looks just like the kind
of lingerie I used to buy you
when we were married.
No, it doesn't. The kind
you used to buy me lit up.
Well,
let's have a night
we'll never forget.
( cackles )
All right.
I am ready.
You know, Syl,
I've dreamt about this night...
Sylvia? S--?
You're wearin' a mask. Heh.
It's a sleep mask.
But we're about to
make love here.
Oh, well, it's a fantasy.
I'll be Catwoman,
you be...quick.
Is there anything
you wanna tell me, Sylvia?
What?
Oh.
This is a moment
I've been dreaming of for years.
I need you.
I want you.
Try not to touch the hair.
Anything else?
Oh, yes. Can you
turn off the lights?
But you're wearing a mask.
Yes, but I can see
a little something
out the sides.
How's that?
No, I'm still getting something.
It's the moon.
Oh, for God's sake,
I can't go through with this.
Why on earth not?
I'm not in the mood.
You?
You found out, didn't you?
Yeah. Your husband called
to warn me.
Damn it.
Sylvia, how could
you do that?
Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.
When I found out about
him and his secretary,
all I could think about
was getting even
by sleeping with
the first guy I could find.
I knew that would hurt him.
But why did you pick me?
'Cause I knew
that would kill him.
But some part of you must've
wanted to be here with me.
I mean, you could've just
told your husband
that we slept together.
You could've just
lied to him, Syl.
No, he knows me too well.
I can't fake things with him
the way I could with you.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.
I was trying to hurt him,
not you.
Come on. What do you say?
Can you help me out?
For old times' sake?
Sure, what the hell.
( giggles )
What's one more
roll in the hay, huh?
( chuckles )
Really?
Nah. Heh-heh.
I'm such a tease. Heh-heh.
( piano theme playing )
Oh, Helen, I've been thinking
about your little problem
with Mark, your crab boy.
It reminds me of the way
we stewardesses
used to deal with
overly amorous passengers.
Well, actually, Fay--
No, no, no. Listen and learn.
You just walk by, smile sweetly,
and then when no one's looking,
give them a quick rap
on the nose
with one of those
tiny liquor bottles.
Well, actually, Fay,
I don't have a problem anymore.
I explained to Mark that I'm not
the only woman in the world,
and that he should find someone
better suited for him.
Oh, Alex, that was the most
exciting helicopter ride
I ever took.
So how'd you learn to fly?
Would you just get away from me,
and stop with the bug-eyes?
Thanks a lot, Helen.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
ROY: Hey, Hackett.
No, no, no, Roy.
Roy, don't say a word, okay?
You were right,
absolutely right.
I had no business showing up
at that hotel.
No, Hackett,
I wanna tell you--
No, no, please. Spare me.
Spare me the grisly details,
okay?
I didn't do anything.
What?
Oh, she was there
for the taking.
And I just walked out.
Really?
Gee, you?
Well, uh, I-I-I guess you--
You kinda did the right thing.
( sighs )
I mean, why would you
wanna be with a woman
who treats you that way, anyway?
I don't know. Heh.
Maybe it was 'cause I thought
things could go back to being
the way they were
when we were first married.
Oh, Hackett.
We used to walk
down the street,
and every guy would turn
and look at my wife.
And you know what
they were thinkin'?
How the hell a guy like you
ever got a woman like that?
Exactly.
And I loved it.
They envied me, Hackett.
And when she came back
yesterday,
I saw the way you guys were
looking at her in the terminal.
I got that feeling again.
Till I found out she was
only here to use me
to prove a point
to her husband.
( chuckles )
Oh, then I knew.
Sylvia and I are never, ever
gonna get back together again.
Wow, Roy. It's--
It's been 20 years.
Um, did you really think
she'd be comin' back?
I always had a glimmer of hope.
I didn't say
it was a big glimmer.
But it was
definitely there.
Till last night.
Suddenly, it seemed so wrong
to go through with it
just for a cheap thrill.
Oh, wh-who said that?
Oh, Hackett,
why am I bein' so stupid?
What is wrong with me?
Well, it's-- It's just guess,
but it sounds like
you might've experienced
a moment of human dignity.
Damn, I was afraid of that.
Hackett, I wanted her.
I heard this voice
in my head saying,
"Don't do it. Don't do it."
What the hell was that?
It's your conscience.
Oh, no. No.
Oh, this can't be happening.
I'm losin' my edge here,
Hackett.
Hey, Antonio, thanks a lot
for the ride.
Did I give you the impression
it was for free?
Listen, uh, Joe,
um, Roy just, uh,
was telling me about
last night with Sylvia.
Yeah, great.
No, no, no.
No, listen, guys.
Uh, I really think you--
You'd wanna hear this.
Roy.
Well, if I don't tell 'em,
you probably will.
I was an animal. Heh-heh.
I got her so hot,
sprinklers went off.
We went on for hours.
I was so good,
I screamed out my own name.
I was--
I've heard enough.
That'll do it for me.
Wait a minute.
Guys, no. Come on, now.
You haven't heard
the details.
Roy, what the hell was that?
What happened to--?
To human dignity?
What happened
to your conscience?
I know.
I was worried too,
but it's okay.
I'm back.
( chortles )
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
It's hokey.
It's not. It's funny.
It is not.
It is. Uh, okay, wait--
Guys-- Guys, maybe you can, uh,
settle something for us.
Now that Alex and I
are living together,
we wanna change the message
on her answering machine.
Now, Alex wants a standard
"We're not in. Yadda yadda.
Beep." Right? Okay.
I think that I have come up
with something that just has
a little more personality.
BRIAN:
Okay, ready?
I really don't wanna do this.
Just play along.
Okay.
( pirate voice ):
Avast there, mateys.
This is Captain Brian.
And this is Damsel Alex.
We're not aboard
the Jolly Roger right now.
But leave a message or we'll
make you walk the plank.
BOTH:
Arr. Arr. Arr.
What do you think?
It's the most moronic thing
I've ever heard.
Uh, can you guys put that
on my machine?
Correction: That is the most
moronic thing I've ever heard.
( piano theme playing )
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a woman
with silky blond hair,
alabaster skin
and eyes a man can get lost in.
Have you seen her?
I used to be her.
( chuckles )
But I-I-I guess
you want Helen Chapel.
She runs the lunch counter here.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Here's your French toast
and your eggs.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, what can I get you?
Nothing.
Okay.
Uh, do I know you?
I'm Mark,
your waiter from the Crab House.
You were there a few months ago.
I served you...
crabs.
Oh, yeah, right.
I just came by to say, "Hi."
So...
hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Close your eyes and you'd swear
you were at
the Algonquin Round Table.
Oh, my God.
Look at that woman.
BRIAN:
That's Roy's ex-wife.
Hold it. Hold it.
Somebody actually
married Roy?
Hey, there, Roy, uh,
over at your counter--
Isn't that your ex-wife?
Oh, my God. It is Sylvia.
Hackett, don't let her see me.
The last time we were together
she sicced a rottweiler on me.
FAY:
That's your ex-wife?
She's so elegant and refined
and attractive and, um--
And what? Is it so hard to
believe she was married to me?
Yeah.
What'd she do, lose a bet?
( grumbles )
Hey, what's goin' on?
It's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.
FAY:
Can you believe it?
Sure, why not?
Thanks, Chapel.
It's exactly the way
I pictured her.
HELEN:
All the way down
to that tacky fur coat.
No, not her. The blond.
No way.
Why don't you go over
and talk to her, Roy?
( grumbles )
Oh, what the hell.
How do I look?
Well--
That's good enough.
Man, this is gonna be great.
She is gonna tear him up.
( giggles )
Sylvia.
Hello, Roy.
Hi. Heh-heh.
What are you, uh--?
What are you doing
on Nantucket?
I wanted to get away
from Boston for a few days,
and Palm Beach this time of year
is silly with Eurotrash.
I-I-I guess you must've
forgotten
that I live here, huh?
Not at all.
In fact, I was hoping
I would run into you.
What are we lookin' at?
That blond over there
Roy's talking to?
That's his ex-wife, Sylvia.
No way.
Yeah.
JOE:
She's so...
attractive.
She oughta be. She married
a hotshot plastic surgeon.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
When she was married to Roy,
she probably looked like Myra
from down at the bait shop.
I dated Myra
for three and a half years.
A-and a lovely woman she is.
( stammers )
Who--? Who are you?
I'm Mark,
Helen's waiter
from the Crab House.
I served her...
crabs.
Oh.
What are we looking at?
HELEN:
That's Roy's ex-wife, Sylvia.
No way.
Here they come. Act normal.
You, you're on your own.
SYLVIA:
I don't wanna be
an inconvenience.
( chuckles )
See you guys later.
We're going to lunch.
Oh, well, a-aren't you
at least gonna introduce us?
Oh, where are my manners? Heh.
This is my, uh--
My ex-wife Sylvia.
Sylvia,
these are all the losers
I work with.
Charmed. Hee-hee.
( mellow piano theme playing )
I could watch you
scrape the gunk
off that griddle
all day.
Thank you.
Joe, you've gotta help me.
That kid's been staring at me
for hours.
He's got a crush on you.
What do you want me to do?
Tell him to take a hike.
Tell him to beat it.
Kick his weirdo butt outta here.
I would, but I'm too nice.
No, I'm not gonna
break his heart.
Besides, who can blame him?
( imitates Mark ):
You got the kind of spatulas
that drive men wild.
Is, uh, Roy back yet?
No.
Whew. Man, this--
This thing with
his ex-wife is--
Is very strange.
Whoa. What are you
talking about?
Well, I mean, Sylvia showin' up
all of a sudden,
being real nice to Roy,
inviting him out to lunch.
Come on. What's the big deal?
They were married.
I agree with Brian.
It's very strange.
Who are you again?
Don't you remember?
He's Helen's crab boy.
Oh, hello.
( humming )
Hello, Joe.
Hi, guys. Heh-heh.
Hi, Alex.
What are you
so happy about?
Yeah. Sylvia pick up the check?
Better. She wants me back.
Let's face it.
Once you've
been with Roy Biggins,
you never wanna
be with another man.
Sounds about right.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, Roy, what would
make you think
Sylvia wants you back?
She asked me to have dinner
with her tonight.
In her hotel room.
( laughs )
Smart lady. No witnesses.
( imitates Roy's laugh )
I knew she'd come back
eventually.
Now, if-- If you'll excuse me,
I have got to get ready
for the big night.
Oh, that's right. You're
about to romance a woman.
You'll wanna shower, shave,
buy chloroform.
( groans )
Okay, make all
the jokes you want,
but the important thing here
is my Sylvia is comin' back.
Did I hear Roy say
that Sylvia wants him back?
Yeah.
Well, I don't mean to be rude,
but...why?
BRIAN:
I've seen her house.
She's way too classy for Roy.
She's got a mansion, a butler.
She's got those heart-shaped
soaps in her bathroom
that a less cultured person
would've mistaken
for little white chocolates.
ANTONIO:
Yeah.
Brian does have a point.
What could Roy possibly have
that her husband doesn't?
Well, he does have
that cool chair in his office
that's shaped like a big hand.
FAY:
Well, who's to say
what attracts one person
to another.
HELEN: I know.
Sometimes you see people
and you think,
"How'd they ever get together?"
Yeah. Look at Lyle Lovett
and Julia Roberts.
I know.
What in the hell
does he see in her?
Well, I think the mark
of a good couple
is if you can
picture them in bed,
and it brings
a smile to your face.
For instance,
Fred and Ethel Mertz.
So would that be a good couple
or a bad couple?
I always thought it was
good for Fred,
bad for Ethel.
You know what's one of the great
mysteries of the world to me?
Hang on.
Charlie and Maria Callas.
Lowell, look, Charlie Callas
is a zany nightclub comic.
Maria Callas was
a world-renowned opera star.
The two have absolutely
nothing in common.
Ha! Proves my point.
Helen,
what do you find attractive
in a man?
A Harvard education.
Class of '89.
All right. All right, let's--
Let's-- Let's just--
For the sake of argument,
let's assume
that Sylvia once was
attracted to Roy.
Why in the hell would she make
the same mistake twice?
There's one possibility
we haven't considered.
Maybe we're selling Roy short.
I don't know, maybe there's
a side of him that's,
I don't know,
romantic, charming, sensitive.
ROY:
Coming through.
Coming through.
Time to take the little lady
to headboard heaven.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( phone ringing )
Aeromass.
Uh-huh.
Really?
Really?
Really? Okay.
Thanks for calling. Cool.
Yes.
Hey, what are you
so happy about?
Brian, that was some guy
on the phone
telling me that Bunny
was coming to Nantucket
to sleep with me,
because she caught him in bed
with his secretary.
Somebody just called you
on Roy's phone,
to tell you that Bunny's
coming to sleep with you?
Yeah.
Well, did he actually
ever mention Bunny's name?
Well, no,
but he said my ex-wife.
And, you know, I mean,
how many ex-wives do I have?
Oh, man, I just-- I knew--
I knew there had to be a reason.
Lowell. Lowell,
don't you get it?
That was obviously
Sylvia's husband on the phone.
He must've had an affair, right?
That's why--
That's why she came here.
To get even with him
by sleeping with Roy.
( sighs )
Yeah.
Hello.
I don't even know him.
Why would he call me?
( upbeat theme playing )
( mellow piano theme playing )
Mm. Syl, I still can't believe
we're here together.
Neither can I.
Sorta reminds me of
where we spent
our wedding night.
Oh, yeah.
Whatever happened to that car?
( Roy chortles )
No, Syl, I meant the cabin.
Oh.
Heh.
Do you want some more champagne?
Please.
Now, don't drink
too much,
or you won't
remember a thing.
Syl, Syl...
Well,
why don't I just go change.
Ch-ch-change?
As--? As in to--?
Into something
more comfortable?
[SIGHS]
Yeah.
You still want me to be here
when you come back out?
That's the point.
Oh, Syl.
Don't be long.
( laughs )
Oh, you.
( chortles )
You are a stud.
( knock at door )
( humming )
Hi, Roy. Listen, I gotta talk
to you. It's very important.
Hackett, I don't know
what the hell you're doin' here,
but whatever it is,
it can wait.
Whoa. Whoa, Roy.
Roy, it cannot wait.
It can't wait. Listen.
Listen to me.
It's about Sylvia.
I hate to be the one to have
to tell you this, but, um,
she's using you.
Not yet, but she's about to.
No, wait, Roy.
Roy, I'm tellin' you,
her husband called.
That's the reason she's here:
To get even with him
for having an affair.
Right.
And you expect me to believe
that you, of all people,
came racing
all the way down here
just to help me out?
Now, why would you do that,
Hackett, huh?
I'll tell you why. One friend
sees another friend in trouble--
That doesn't apply, does it?
No.
Well-- Look-- I don't know.
Uh, listen, yesterday if you
told me that I would've taken
one step out of my way
to help you,
I would've said you were crazy
but the fact is that
when one guy sees another guy
about to get dumped on,
he wants to help him out.
Even if that guy is you.
Wait a minute here, Hackett.
You are serious.
Yeah, I'm serious.
So what you're saying
is that Sylvia doesn't care
anything about me,
I don't mean anything to her,
that she just wants
to get me into bed
and use me like some
cheap piece of meat?
Exactly.
I can live with that.
Wow-ow-ow, Syl.
You look great.
That looks just like the kind
of lingerie I used to buy you
when we were married.
No, it doesn't. The kind
you used to buy me lit up.
Well,
let's have a night
we'll never forget.
( cackles )
All right.
I am ready.
You know, Syl,
I've dreamt about this night...
Sylvia? S--?
You're wearin' a mask. Heh.
It's a sleep mask.
But we're about to
make love here.
Oh, well, it's a fantasy.
I'll be Catwoman,
you be...quick.
Is there anything
you wanna tell me, Sylvia?
What?
Oh.
This is a moment
I've been dreaming of for years.
I need you.
I want you.
Try not to touch the hair.
Anything else?
Oh, yes. Can you
turn off the lights?
But you're wearing a mask.
Yes, but I can see
a little something
out the sides.
How's that?
No, I'm still getting something.
It's the moon.
Oh, for God's sake,
I can't go through with this.
Why on earth not?
I'm not in the mood.
You?
You found out, didn't you?
Yeah. Your husband called
to warn me.
Damn it.
Sylvia, how could
you do that?
Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.
When I found out about
him and his secretary,
all I could think about
was getting even
by sleeping with
the first guy I could find.
I knew that would hurt him.
But why did you pick me?
'Cause I knew
that would kill him.
But some part of you must've
wanted to be here with me.
I mean, you could've just
told your husband
that we slept together.
You could've just
lied to him, Syl.
No, he knows me too well.
I can't fake things with him
the way I could with you.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sorry, Roy.
I was trying to hurt him,
not you.
Come on. What do you say?
Can you help me out?
For old times' sake?
Sure, what the hell.
( giggles )
What's one more
roll in the hay, huh?
( chuckles )
Really?
Nah. Heh-heh.
I'm such a tease. Heh-heh.
( piano theme playing )
Oh, Helen, I've been thinking
about your little problem
with Mark, your crab boy.
It reminds me of the way
we stewardesses
used to deal with
overly amorous passengers.
Well, actually, Fay--
No, no, no. Listen and learn.
You just walk by, smile sweetly,
and then when no one's looking,
give them a quick rap
on the nose
with one of those
tiny liquor bottles.
Well, actually, Fay,
I don't have a problem anymore.
I explained to Mark that I'm not
the only woman in the world,
and that he should find someone
better suited for him.
Oh, Alex, that was the most
exciting helicopter ride
I ever took.
So how'd you learn to fly?
Would you just get away from me,
and stop with the bug-eyes?
Thanks a lot, Helen.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
ROY: Hey, Hackett.
No, no, no, Roy.
Roy, don't say a word, okay?
You were right,
absolutely right.
I had no business showing up
at that hotel.
No, Hackett,
I wanna tell you--
No, no, please. Spare me.
Spare me the grisly details,
okay?
I didn't do anything.
What?
Oh, she was there
for the taking.
And I just walked out.
Really?
Gee, you?
Well, uh, I-I-I guess you--
You kinda did the right thing.
( sighs )
I mean, why would you
wanna be with a woman
who treats you that way, anyway?
I don't know. Heh.
Maybe it was 'cause I thought
things could go back to being
the way they were
when we were first married.
Oh, Hackett.
We used to walk
down the street,
and every guy would turn
and look at my wife.
And you know what
they were thinkin'?
How the hell a guy like you
ever got a woman like that?
Exactly.
And I loved it.
They envied me, Hackett.
And when she came back
yesterday,
I saw the way you guys were
looking at her in the terminal.
I got that feeling again.
Till I found out she was
only here to use me
to prove a point
to her husband.
( chuckles )
Oh, then I knew.
Sylvia and I are never, ever
gonna get back together again.
Wow, Roy. It's--
It's been 20 years.
Um, did you really think
she'd be comin' back?
I always had a glimmer of hope.
I didn't say
it was a big glimmer.
But it was
definitely there.
Till last night.
Suddenly, it seemed so wrong
to go through with it
just for a cheap thrill.
Oh, wh-who said that?
Oh, Hackett,
why am I bein' so stupid?
What is wrong with me?
Well, it's-- It's just guess,
but it sounds like
you might've experienced
a moment of human dignity.
Damn, I was afraid of that.
Hackett, I wanted her.
I heard this voice
in my head saying,
"Don't do it. Don't do it."
What the hell was that?
It's your conscience.
Oh, no. No.
Oh, this can't be happening.
I'm losin' my edge here,
Hackett.
Hey, Antonio, thanks a lot
for the ride.
Did I give you the impression
it was for free?
Listen, uh, Joe,
um, Roy just, uh,
was telling me about
last night with Sylvia.
Yeah, great.
No, no, no.
No, listen, guys.
Uh, I really think you--
You'd wanna hear this.
Roy.
Well, if I don't tell 'em,
you probably will.
I was an animal. Heh-heh.
I got her so hot,
sprinklers went off.
We went on for hours.
I was so good,
I screamed out my own name.
I was--
I've heard enough.
That'll do it for me.
Wait a minute.
Guys, no. Come on, now.
You haven't heard
the details.
Roy, what the hell was that?
What happened to--?
To human dignity?
What happened
to your conscience?
I know.
I was worried too,
but it's okay.
I'm back.
( chortles )
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )