Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 18 - Moonlighting - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
God, I hate the off-season.
You know, if we don't get some
customers soon,
I don't know how I'm going
to make it through.
Oh, you people are pathetic.
If any of you had a lick
of business sense,
you could just ride it out
like I do.
You want to know my secret?
ALL:
No.
I scare my employees into
thinking I'm gonna lay 'em off,
then, when I agree
to keep them on,
at half-pay,
they're so grateful
they'll do whatever I want.
Oh, they don't actually
fall for that.
Okay, Roy,
I-I scraped your shower grout,
and I drained your septic tank,
and I de-wormed your dog.
Lowell, you don't have to do
those disgusting jobs for Roy,
and, uh, what's with the outfit?
I'm an Aeromass junior
executive trainee.
Nice work, junior.
Now get down
to the old folks' home,
give my mom her foot massage.
Gotcha.
You know, I thought I was going
to have to start at the bottom.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
HELEN: Hey.
How was your flight?
JOE:
What flight?
One measly passenger.
Some woman trying
to leave her husband.
Last minute the guy runs out,
they have a tearful reunion,
go home to their kids.
You think they thought about
my feelings for one minute?
Brian?
You ready to go?
BRIAN:
Yeah, let's go.
HELEN:
So where are you two off to?
Who says we're going anywhere?
I mean, we're going somewhere,
it's just nowhere special, okay?
Well, enjoy yourselves.
What is that supposed to mean?
( Brian stutters )
Alex. We'll see you guys later.
Have a nice time. So long.
You people just can't
leave it alone, can you?
Alex, come on. Shh.
Fine, fine, I guess you'll
find out eventually.
( laughing)
ALEX:
Go ahead, make your cracks.
ROY:
I recognize that outfit, ho-ho.
You're a serving wench down
at King Arthur's Bar & Grill.
( laughing )
Yes, Roy, I am.
Are you happy?
Ecstatic.
Look at me. I demean myself.
I'm a lowly waitress.
Shh.
Well, thank you, Alex.
Oh, no, no.
I mean,
I didn't mean it that way.
It's just that-- My helicopter
business has been so bad
that I have to, you know,
do something to make ends meet.
That's okay, Alex,
you wouldn't believe some
of the things we've done
to get through the off-season.
Yeah, oh. I remember one year
business was so bad,
I had to take a job
as a private pilot,
and, uh,
well, let me just tell you,
never work for a celebrity.
( piano theme playing )
Uh, shouldn't he be in a cage
or something?
Don't worry.
JOE:
Well, how-- How do I know that
all of a sudden he won't
think my head's a coconut?
As long as I'm here,
Mr. Bongo is fine.
Oh, good.
So I understand
these little guys
have the strength of four men.
Six.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, would you tell him
to give me back my hat?
Oh, he's just bored.
He usually watches a movie,
but, uh,
not in this bucket.
Look, I happen to think that
this plane is plenty good enough
for Mr. Bongo. I'm the pilot,
I give the orders here.
And I want my hat back.
MAN:
Okay, Bongo,
give him back his hat.
Thank you.
( gibbers )
MAN:
Actually, he's behaving
very well.
Coming in from Paris some
stewardess tried to bump him
back into coach
and he went nuts.
What was he doing in Paris?
Bongo was representing
the United States
at an economic summit.
What do you think he was doing?
His act.
JOE:
So, what does he do?
Wear a dress and rollerskate?
Please. That old cliche?
This chimp's a class act.
( raspberrys )
Obviously.
Most chimps use their feet
to do that.
Bongo, I told you.
That and the other thing
we do not do in public.
JOE:
Look, uh,
I want you to know that
I usually run my own airline--
I, uh-- I, uh--
( clears throat )
I don't usually do
this kind of work.
You know, it is the slow season,
and, well, things, you know,
taper off, but you understand
how that is, right?
Right?
Come on, come on. Wake up.
Aren't you supposed
to be watching
Mr. Bongo over here?
Hey, hey, come on, wake up.
( gibbering )
Ah.
Ah, great, great.
The man controlling the animal
is out cold.
All right.
Okay, Joe.
Don't be nervous.
Just-- Just relax.
Everything's going to be fine.
So, I gotta tell you,
Planet of the Apes
is my favorite movie.
Y-Y-You're right--
You're right. That was a very
unconvincing ape-- Uh, chimp--
Uh-- Uh-uh, uh, what's--?
What's politcally correct?
"Simian American?"
( gibbers )
So, hey,
if people use monkey wrenches,
what do monkeys use?
People wrenches? Heh.
Okay, okay, all right.
Listen, uh,
Darwin's theory of evolution.
Any thoughts?
( squealing )
No, no, no, no.
I don't believe in it either.
Hey.
Hey, now listen here.
You listen to me,
you hairy little runt,
I don't care how big
you are in Europe,
you calm down right now.
I mean it.
Hey,
I will turn this plane around.
If I have to come back there,
you are going
to be in big trouble.
You want me to pull over--
God, I sound just like father.
All right, look.
Look.
There's no movie.
There's no in-flight meal.
What the hell do you want?
( gibbers )
Oh, no. No, no, no.
There is no way
that you are flying this plane.
( piano theme playing )
You happy now?
Aw, I still cannot believe
you let a monkey fly that plane.
Why not, he lets you fly it.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( laughing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, of course the off-season
is a difficult time
for everyone. I mean,
we've all had to take on jobs
that we weren't thrilled with,
but speaking for myself,
I've always made it a point
not to do anything
that was beneath my dignity.
Oh, really.
Well, Fay,
that's not how I remember it.
( piano theme playing )
For the best lobster
you've ever got your claws on,
get your tail down
to Bernie's Lobster Bucket.
Just tell them, uh,
Lucy the Lobster sent you
and get a free oyster shooter.
( piano theme playing )
Funny,
I'd completely forgotten that.
Thanks so much for reminding me.
Come on, Fay,
it wasn't that bad,
at least you got
a date out of it.
Yeah, he invited me over
to his hotel room,
wanted me to wear the outfit.
Well, Fay, that's still
better than the job I had.
One year I was so broke
I had to work as a salesman,
but I couldn't sell a thing.
I'd never been so desperate
in my life.
This-- This all looks
so wonderful.
I never realized that
one company could handle
all my funeral needs.
Ah, yes.
Absolutely.
And at a fair price.
As we say,
at Whispering Pines Mortuary,
we'll put you under
without putting you under.
( chuckles )
Funny.
Uh, uh, now, uh,
when it comes to caskets,
well, we have many different
models to choose from.
Which one's the best?
Well, that would be
the "El Presidente,"
but it's very expensive.
I'll take it.
You're kidding.
No.
( gasps )
You won't be sorry.
Now, uh, have you given
any thought to, uh, burial plot?
No, but I suppose I'm gonna
need a place to park
that El Presidente.
( both chuckling )
Well, we have a wide range
of eternal resting places
to choose from.
Which one's the best?
That would be the "Ponderosa."
Oh, the Ponderosa.
Gimmie one of those.
Really?
( chuckles )
Thank you.
Do you know what I'd like?
I'd like a-- A mausoleum.
Could I have a mausoleum?
You bet'cha.
What's the top of the line?
The "Taj Mahal."
Oh.
Oh, I like the sound of that,
gimmie the Taj.
Okay.
Okay, let's see,
that's one El Presedente,
one Ponderosa,
and a Taj Mahal.
Anything else?
What's left?
Only thing missing is, uh, you.
( both laughing )
So, well, uh, yeah.
It's a little pricey.
Oh, that's no problem,
I got my check book
right here.
Ah, okay.
Well, um, you know,
one more big sale like this
and I qualify to win
a trip to Aruba.
Oh, you'll love it.
I went there with
my pinochle club.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you for choosing
Whispering Pines.
Oh, you're welcome. Buh-bye.
Bye.
Sorry, I forgot my pen
and I just--
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're trying to kill yourself.
No, I'm not.
Who are you kidding?
You have a rope
around your neck.
Oh, it's-- It's no big deal.
It's just that--
Well,
I have nothing to live for.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
There must be something.
What about your lovely wife?
I caught her in bed
with my brother.
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
What about these
beautiful children?
Daughter's a hooker,
son's in a cult.
Anything else?
This is starting to chafe.
Okay, okay.
What about your business?
You provide a service to people.
Where would the world
be without, uh, without--
It doesn't matter.
My partner embezzled every dime,
ran off with our secretary.
I'm--
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.
God, this is the saddest story.
Hold on a sec.
If you're so broke,
how could you
write me this check?
Don't worry,
my life insurance will cover it.
Oh, good.
They--
They don't pay off on suicide.
They don't?
Of course not.
If they did I would have
killed myself months ago.
Some nice guy.
You going to stick me
with a bum check.
Aw, now I made you angry.
Angry? Why should I be angry?
Just because you screwed me
out of a fat commission
and a free vacation?
Look, I'm sorry.
Sorry ain't gonna get my butt
to Aruba, pal.
I wish I was dead.
Oh, hey, now, urk--
Look, wait a minute, now.
That's crazy-talk.
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I'm a failure.
Aw, no.
You must have something
to live for.
You've got a good job.
I sell funeral plots
to crazy people.
Well,
what about your lovely wife?
Don't even have a girlfriend.
Last woman I went out with,
since become a man.
You know, I always wondered
how they did that.
What difference does it make?
Sorry.
God.
We're quite a pair, huh?
You're telling me.
We're pathetic.
I tell ya what.
I want to help you somehow.
How about if I--
I don't kill myself.
What good would that do?
Unless-- Unless--
--you still want
the funeral arrangement.
Well, it's tempting, but if--
If I don't kill myself
there's no way I can afford it.
I just can't catch a break
in this country.
( piano theme playing )
Wow. Antonio,
you saved that man's life.
That was so clever of you
to make your life
sound so horrible.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, you know,
I had to think of something.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Right.
Okay, Roy,
I visited your mom at the home
and I gave her that,
uh, foot massage.
Lowell, this is ridiculous.
You're not a management trainee,
you're a slave.
Even if that were true,
Fay, it's the off-season.
I mean,
what else am I going to do?
Well, they need another serving
wench down at King Arthur's.
Well, it's a pretty outfit,
but I don't think
I have the hips for it.
Uh, I want to hear
Chapel tell the story
of her worst job.
Oh, well, you can forget it,
because you're not going to.
ALL:
Aw, come on.
Hey, hey, hey,
everybody back off.
Back off. No, no.
If Helen doesn't
want to tell the story,
then she doesn't have
to tell the story.
Thank you.
I'll tell it.
About three years ago, uh,
there was a friend of mine
who was a magician,
used to put on magic shows,
you know, for--
Make some side money.
Taught me a few tricks.
And the night he was supposed
to perform at Roy's lodge,
his props arrived,
but he didn't.
So I filled in.
And as you can see,
allakhazam,
the cane is gone.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
For my next trick, I will--
Bring on the broad!
( hooting, applause )
I will bring on the broad.
I give you, my lovely
and talented assistant,
Helena!
( whistling, cheering )
The Amazing Brian
needs a moment.
Helen, come on,
I'm dying out here. Come on!
I changed my mind.
I don't want those jerks
to see me in this.
There are 200 Roys out there.
Helen, Helen,
try to remember
why we're doing this, okay?
We need the money.
Okay,
how much am I getting again?
Oh, we're getting 100 apiece.
Okay, let's just do this
and get it over with.
See? I mean, and that--
That-- That dress--
That dress is not
revealing at all.
It's not, it's not.
Okay, so, uh,
fluff up your tassels
and, uh, let's go.
( cheering, hooting )
O-o-o-okay.
Okay, okay.
And now for our fabulous,
phenomenal, fantastic--
Get on with it.
Here's our next thing.
You can see my lovely
and talented assistant Helena--
( cheering, hooting )
Wait, wait, wait,
what are you doing?
We're not doing
the box-thing yet.
I'm not gonna let these guys
stare at me.
Apparently we're moving on
to the grand finale.
( whistling, cheering )
The Chinese chamber of doom,
which, as you can see,
contains the gorgeous body
of the lovely Helena.
( cheering, hooting )
Can I get in there with her?
What a bunch of jerks.
Observe carefully
these razor sharp swords
as I thrust them into
the box!
Say, we getting paid in cash?
Helen, you have swords
going through you,
look like you're enjoying it.
Please note that these
razor sharp swords are
piercing the tender flesh
of the lovely Helena.
( hooting, cheering )
"Helena."
( hooting, cheering )
That's what I thought.
Get off the stage, ya bum.
( sword sliding out )
Well, thank you, thank you.
You've been a glorious audience,
and remember, when in doubt,
designated driver.
( booing )
Hold on.
( whistles )
Hold on.
I'll see if I can get this show
on the road, now. Hold on.
Open it.
It's stuck.
It's stuck?
ROY:
Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.
Get yourself over here, come on.
Wait--
Stay here, I'll be right back.
No, don't leave me here.
Hackett, Hackett,
you are in trouble here.
What are you talking about?
This is a stag party.
They want to see a stripper.
Fine, so bring on a stripper.
She's already on.
( chuckles nervously )
Not the lovely Helena.
Damn right
not the lovely Helena.
You guys better
work something out,
because these guys
are expecting a show.
Don't worry, don't worry,
don't worry.
Just sit tight. Sit tight.
I'll get the car. I'll be--
Yeah, get the car.
Okay, okay.
( sultry music playing )
( cheering, hooting )
CROWD:
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
( cheering )
Cut the music.
( music cuts out )
You people should
be ashamed of yourselves,
and Buzz Crandle.
What are you doing here?
I went to elementary school
with you.
I know your wife
and your kids.
And Roy Biggins,
well, you're a bad example.
But you, you're my dentist.
And reverend...
...need I say more.
Now.
Can you people actually tell me
that the highlight of your week
is going to be me
taking my clothes off?
ALL:
Yeah!
( sultry music playing )
Oh, I see.
You're throwing money.
You're bribing me?
Let me tell you something.
This is appalling,
this is despicable,
this is...a 20.
Not now, Brian.
What the hell are you doing?
Just shut up
and pick up the money.
So you were naked
and trapped in the box?
How did you get out?
Well, Brian strapped me
to the roof of his jeep,
and then he brought me back here
and Lowell cut me out
with a power saw.
And he peaked.
All right, all right,
maybe I did peak.
Might I say I was more
than a little disappointed.
Well, thank you, Lowell.
Yeah.
Once you see inside
that chamber of doom,
it really takes the mystery
out of that sword trick.
You know,
I feel better knowing
that you guys did stupider
things than I'm doing.
I guess King Arthur's Bar
& Grill doesn't seem so bad.
Ready, Brian?
BRIAN: Yeah.
HELEN:
See you guys later.
Bye. Have fun.
At least we made her
feel better.
I think so.
So, uh,
anybody got plans for tonight?
No.
No?
What do you think?
Want to catch a movie?
ALL: Nah.
Bowling?
Not me.
ALL: Nah.
Go down to King Arthur's,
make fun of Alex
wearing that dopey dress?
Now you're talking.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
God, I hate the off-season.
You know, if we don't get some
customers soon,
I don't know how I'm going
to make it through.
Oh, you people are pathetic.
If any of you had a lick
of business sense,
you could just ride it out
like I do.
You want to know my secret?
ALL:
No.
I scare my employees into
thinking I'm gonna lay 'em off,
then, when I agree
to keep them on,
at half-pay,
they're so grateful
they'll do whatever I want.
Oh, they don't actually
fall for that.
Okay, Roy,
I-I scraped your shower grout,
and I drained your septic tank,
and I de-wormed your dog.
Lowell, you don't have to do
those disgusting jobs for Roy,
and, uh, what's with the outfit?
I'm an Aeromass junior
executive trainee.
Nice work, junior.
Now get down
to the old folks' home,
give my mom her foot massage.
Gotcha.
You know, I thought I was going
to have to start at the bottom.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
HELEN: Hey.
How was your flight?
JOE:
What flight?
One measly passenger.
Some woman trying
to leave her husband.
Last minute the guy runs out,
they have a tearful reunion,
go home to their kids.
You think they thought about
my feelings for one minute?
Brian?
You ready to go?
BRIAN:
Yeah, let's go.
HELEN:
So where are you two off to?
Who says we're going anywhere?
I mean, we're going somewhere,
it's just nowhere special, okay?
Well, enjoy yourselves.
What is that supposed to mean?
( Brian stutters )
Alex. We'll see you guys later.
Have a nice time. So long.
You people just can't
leave it alone, can you?
Alex, come on. Shh.
Fine, fine, I guess you'll
find out eventually.
( laughing)
ALEX:
Go ahead, make your cracks.
ROY:
I recognize that outfit, ho-ho.
You're a serving wench down
at King Arthur's Bar & Grill.
( laughing )
Yes, Roy, I am.
Are you happy?
Ecstatic.
Look at me. I demean myself.
I'm a lowly waitress.
Shh.
Well, thank you, Alex.
Oh, no, no.
I mean,
I didn't mean it that way.
It's just that-- My helicopter
business has been so bad
that I have to, you know,
do something to make ends meet.
That's okay, Alex,
you wouldn't believe some
of the things we've done
to get through the off-season.
Yeah, oh. I remember one year
business was so bad,
I had to take a job
as a private pilot,
and, uh,
well, let me just tell you,
never work for a celebrity.
( piano theme playing )
Uh, shouldn't he be in a cage
or something?
Don't worry.
JOE:
Well, how-- How do I know that
all of a sudden he won't
think my head's a coconut?
As long as I'm here,
Mr. Bongo is fine.
Oh, good.
So I understand
these little guys
have the strength of four men.
Six.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, would you tell him
to give me back my hat?
Oh, he's just bored.
He usually watches a movie,
but, uh,
not in this bucket.
Look, I happen to think that
this plane is plenty good enough
for Mr. Bongo. I'm the pilot,
I give the orders here.
And I want my hat back.
MAN:
Okay, Bongo,
give him back his hat.
Thank you.
( gibbers )
MAN:
Actually, he's behaving
very well.
Coming in from Paris some
stewardess tried to bump him
back into coach
and he went nuts.
What was he doing in Paris?
Bongo was representing
the United States
at an economic summit.
What do you think he was doing?
His act.
JOE:
So, what does he do?
Wear a dress and rollerskate?
Please. That old cliche?
This chimp's a class act.
( raspberrys )
Obviously.
Most chimps use their feet
to do that.
Bongo, I told you.
That and the other thing
we do not do in public.
JOE:
Look, uh,
I want you to know that
I usually run my own airline--
I, uh-- I, uh--
( clears throat )
I don't usually do
this kind of work.
You know, it is the slow season,
and, well, things, you know,
taper off, but you understand
how that is, right?
Right?
Come on, come on. Wake up.
Aren't you supposed
to be watching
Mr. Bongo over here?
Hey, hey, come on, wake up.
( gibbering )
Ah.
Ah, great, great.
The man controlling the animal
is out cold.
All right.
Okay, Joe.
Don't be nervous.
Just-- Just relax.
Everything's going to be fine.
So, I gotta tell you,
Planet of the Apes
is my favorite movie.
Y-Y-You're right--
You're right. That was a very
unconvincing ape-- Uh, chimp--
Uh-- Uh-uh, uh, what's--?
What's politcally correct?
"Simian American?"
( gibbers )
So, hey,
if people use monkey wrenches,
what do monkeys use?
People wrenches? Heh.
Okay, okay, all right.
Listen, uh,
Darwin's theory of evolution.
Any thoughts?
( squealing )
No, no, no, no.
I don't believe in it either.
Hey.
Hey, now listen here.
You listen to me,
you hairy little runt,
I don't care how big
you are in Europe,
you calm down right now.
I mean it.
Hey,
I will turn this plane around.
If I have to come back there,
you are going
to be in big trouble.
You want me to pull over--
God, I sound just like father.
All right, look.
Look.
There's no movie.
There's no in-flight meal.
What the hell do you want?
( gibbers )
Oh, no. No, no, no.
There is no way
that you are flying this plane.
( piano theme playing )
You happy now?
Aw, I still cannot believe
you let a monkey fly that plane.
Why not, he lets you fly it.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( laughing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Well, of course the off-season
is a difficult time
for everyone. I mean,
we've all had to take on jobs
that we weren't thrilled with,
but speaking for myself,
I've always made it a point
not to do anything
that was beneath my dignity.
Oh, really.
Well, Fay,
that's not how I remember it.
( piano theme playing )
For the best lobster
you've ever got your claws on,
get your tail down
to Bernie's Lobster Bucket.
Just tell them, uh,
Lucy the Lobster sent you
and get a free oyster shooter.
( piano theme playing )
Funny,
I'd completely forgotten that.
Thanks so much for reminding me.
Come on, Fay,
it wasn't that bad,
at least you got
a date out of it.
Yeah, he invited me over
to his hotel room,
wanted me to wear the outfit.
Well, Fay, that's still
better than the job I had.
One year I was so broke
I had to work as a salesman,
but I couldn't sell a thing.
I'd never been so desperate
in my life.
This-- This all looks
so wonderful.
I never realized that
one company could handle
all my funeral needs.
Ah, yes.
Absolutely.
And at a fair price.
As we say,
at Whispering Pines Mortuary,
we'll put you under
without putting you under.
( chuckles )
Funny.
Uh, uh, now, uh,
when it comes to caskets,
well, we have many different
models to choose from.
Which one's the best?
Well, that would be
the "El Presidente,"
but it's very expensive.
I'll take it.
You're kidding.
No.
( gasps )
You won't be sorry.
Now, uh, have you given
any thought to, uh, burial plot?
No, but I suppose I'm gonna
need a place to park
that El Presidente.
( both chuckling )
Well, we have a wide range
of eternal resting places
to choose from.
Which one's the best?
That would be the "Ponderosa."
Oh, the Ponderosa.
Gimmie one of those.
Really?
( chuckles )
Thank you.
Do you know what I'd like?
I'd like a-- A mausoleum.
Could I have a mausoleum?
You bet'cha.
What's the top of the line?
The "Taj Mahal."
Oh.
Oh, I like the sound of that,
gimmie the Taj.
Okay.
Okay, let's see,
that's one El Presedente,
one Ponderosa,
and a Taj Mahal.
Anything else?
What's left?
Only thing missing is, uh, you.
( both laughing )
So, well, uh, yeah.
It's a little pricey.
Oh, that's no problem,
I got my check book
right here.
Ah, okay.
Well, um, you know,
one more big sale like this
and I qualify to win
a trip to Aruba.
Oh, you'll love it.
I went there with
my pinochle club.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you for choosing
Whispering Pines.
Oh, you're welcome. Buh-bye.
Bye.
Sorry, I forgot my pen
and I just--
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
Nothing.
You're trying to kill yourself.
No, I'm not.
Who are you kidding?
You have a rope
around your neck.
Oh, it's-- It's no big deal.
It's just that--
Well,
I have nothing to live for.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
There must be something.
What about your lovely wife?
I caught her in bed
with my brother.
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
What about these
beautiful children?
Daughter's a hooker,
son's in a cult.
Anything else?
This is starting to chafe.
Okay, okay.
What about your business?
You provide a service to people.
Where would the world
be without, uh, without--
It doesn't matter.
My partner embezzled every dime,
ran off with our secretary.
I'm--
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.
God, this is the saddest story.
Hold on a sec.
If you're so broke,
how could you
write me this check?
Don't worry,
my life insurance will cover it.
Oh, good.
They--
They don't pay off on suicide.
They don't?
Of course not.
If they did I would have
killed myself months ago.
Some nice guy.
You going to stick me
with a bum check.
Aw, now I made you angry.
Angry? Why should I be angry?
Just because you screwed me
out of a fat commission
and a free vacation?
Look, I'm sorry.
Sorry ain't gonna get my butt
to Aruba, pal.
I wish I was dead.
Oh, hey, now, urk--
Look, wait a minute, now.
That's crazy-talk.
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do. I'm a failure.
Aw, no.
You must have something
to live for.
You've got a good job.
I sell funeral plots
to crazy people.
Well,
what about your lovely wife?
Don't even have a girlfriend.
Last woman I went out with,
since become a man.
You know, I always wondered
how they did that.
What difference does it make?
Sorry.
God.
We're quite a pair, huh?
You're telling me.
We're pathetic.
I tell ya what.
I want to help you somehow.
How about if I--
I don't kill myself.
What good would that do?
Unless-- Unless--
--you still want
the funeral arrangement.
Well, it's tempting, but if--
If I don't kill myself
there's no way I can afford it.
I just can't catch a break
in this country.
( piano theme playing )
Wow. Antonio,
you saved that man's life.
That was so clever of you
to make your life
sound so horrible.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, you know,
I had to think of something.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Right.
Okay, Roy,
I visited your mom at the home
and I gave her that,
uh, foot massage.
Lowell, this is ridiculous.
You're not a management trainee,
you're a slave.
Even if that were true,
Fay, it's the off-season.
I mean,
what else am I going to do?
Well, they need another serving
wench down at King Arthur's.
Well, it's a pretty outfit,
but I don't think
I have the hips for it.
Uh, I want to hear
Chapel tell the story
of her worst job.
Oh, well, you can forget it,
because you're not going to.
ALL:
Aw, come on.
Hey, hey, hey,
everybody back off.
Back off. No, no.
If Helen doesn't
want to tell the story,
then she doesn't have
to tell the story.
Thank you.
I'll tell it.
About three years ago, uh,
there was a friend of mine
who was a magician,
used to put on magic shows,
you know, for--
Make some side money.
Taught me a few tricks.
And the night he was supposed
to perform at Roy's lodge,
his props arrived,
but he didn't.
So I filled in.
And as you can see,
allakhazam,
the cane is gone.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
For my next trick, I will--
Bring on the broad!
( hooting, applause )
I will bring on the broad.
I give you, my lovely
and talented assistant,
Helena!
( whistling, cheering )
The Amazing Brian
needs a moment.
Helen, come on,
I'm dying out here. Come on!
I changed my mind.
I don't want those jerks
to see me in this.
There are 200 Roys out there.
Helen, Helen,
try to remember
why we're doing this, okay?
We need the money.
Okay,
how much am I getting again?
Oh, we're getting 100 apiece.
Okay, let's just do this
and get it over with.
See? I mean, and that--
That-- That dress--
That dress is not
revealing at all.
It's not, it's not.
Okay, so, uh,
fluff up your tassels
and, uh, let's go.
( cheering, hooting )
O-o-o-okay.
Okay, okay.
And now for our fabulous,
phenomenal, fantastic--
Get on with it.
Here's our next thing.
You can see my lovely
and talented assistant Helena--
( cheering, hooting )
Wait, wait, wait,
what are you doing?
We're not doing
the box-thing yet.
I'm not gonna let these guys
stare at me.
Apparently we're moving on
to the grand finale.
( whistling, cheering )
The Chinese chamber of doom,
which, as you can see,
contains the gorgeous body
of the lovely Helena.
( cheering, hooting )
Can I get in there with her?
What a bunch of jerks.
Observe carefully
these razor sharp swords
as I thrust them into
the box!
Say, we getting paid in cash?
Helen, you have swords
going through you,
look like you're enjoying it.
Please note that these
razor sharp swords are
piercing the tender flesh
of the lovely Helena.
( hooting, cheering )
"Helena."
( hooting, cheering )
That's what I thought.
Get off the stage, ya bum.
( sword sliding out )
Well, thank you, thank you.
You've been a glorious audience,
and remember, when in doubt,
designated driver.
( booing )
Hold on.
( whistles )
Hold on.
I'll see if I can get this show
on the road, now. Hold on.
Open it.
It's stuck.
It's stuck?
ROY:
Hey, hey, hey, Hackett.
Get yourself over here, come on.
Wait--
Stay here, I'll be right back.
No, don't leave me here.
Hackett, Hackett,
you are in trouble here.
What are you talking about?
This is a stag party.
They want to see a stripper.
Fine, so bring on a stripper.
She's already on.
( chuckles nervously )
Not the lovely Helena.
Damn right
not the lovely Helena.
You guys better
work something out,
because these guys
are expecting a show.
Don't worry, don't worry,
don't worry.
Just sit tight. Sit tight.
I'll get the car. I'll be--
Yeah, get the car.
Okay, okay.
( sultry music playing )
( cheering, hooting )
CROWD:
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
We want Helena.
( cheering )
Cut the music.
( music cuts out )
You people should
be ashamed of yourselves,
and Buzz Crandle.
What are you doing here?
I went to elementary school
with you.
I know your wife
and your kids.
And Roy Biggins,
well, you're a bad example.
But you, you're my dentist.
And reverend...
...need I say more.
Now.
Can you people actually tell me
that the highlight of your week
is going to be me
taking my clothes off?
ALL:
Yeah!
( sultry music playing )
Oh, I see.
You're throwing money.
You're bribing me?
Let me tell you something.
This is appalling,
this is despicable,
this is...a 20.
Not now, Brian.
What the hell are you doing?
Just shut up
and pick up the money.
So you were naked
and trapped in the box?
How did you get out?
Well, Brian strapped me
to the roof of his jeep,
and then he brought me back here
and Lowell cut me out
with a power saw.
And he peaked.
All right, all right,
maybe I did peak.
Might I say I was more
than a little disappointed.
Well, thank you, Lowell.
Yeah.
Once you see inside
that chamber of doom,
it really takes the mystery
out of that sword trick.
You know,
I feel better knowing
that you guys did stupider
things than I'm doing.
I guess King Arthur's Bar
& Grill doesn't seem so bad.
Ready, Brian?
BRIAN: Yeah.
HELEN:
See you guys later.
Bye. Have fun.
At least we made her
feel better.
I think so.
So, uh,
anybody got plans for tonight?
No.
No?
What do you think?
Want to catch a movie?
ALL: Nah.
Bowling?
Not me.
ALL: Nah.
Go down to King Arthur's,
make fun of Alex
wearing that dopey dress?
Now you're talking.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )