Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 17 - Exclusively Yours - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Your attention please,
ladies and gentlemen.
Announcing the departure
of Sandpiper Flight 20
to Martha's Vineyard
and New Bedford.
We request that passengers
needing assistance
or traveling
with small children,
please board at this time.
Fay.
Yes, Joe?
First of all, that was
a lovely announcement.
Ha-ha. Thank you.
Yeah, um,
but we don't have
anyone on Flight 20,
and there's not even
anyone here.
( chuckles )
I gue-- I guess I'm just
a creature of habit.
It was 9 a.m.,
and I automatically
announced Flight 20.
( chuckles )
It's kind of silly, isn't it?
( chuckles )
Sorry, Fay.
( laughs )
( airplane flies overhead )
Attention, please.
Flight 20 has been canceled.
W-- Ha-ha. I-I just, uh--
Needed closure.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Uh, Helen, what--?
What are you working on?
I'm working on a new menu.
Um, when I was
in New York with Davis,
he took me
to this restaurant
where everything was
named after celebrities.
So I thought
it might be fun to try it
with the people around here.
I've got
Helen's Hash Browns,
( chuckles )
Sloppy Joe Hackett.
Ha-ha. Get it?
Ah, did you, uh--?
Did you happen to
name anything after me?
I sure did.
Antonio's Spaghetti
and Meatballs.
How long did it take you
to come up with that one?
You-- You-- You just-- You just
look at the Italian guy,
and immediately think
"meatball"?
No, I-I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean to offend you.
Um, let's just forget
about that, okay?
Here, what can I get you
for lunch?
Mamma mia, I don't-a know.
How about a nice-a pizza pie?
Well, I don't know
why Antonio was so upset.
I think it's a lovely idea.
Thank you.
Are you gonna name anything
after me?
I-- I already did.
( chuckles )
Fay's Bran Muffin.
I'm a bran muffin?
Well, you know,
you order one every morning.
Well, does the whole world
have to know that?
Helen, what am I? What am I?
What am I?
Well,
actually, Lowell,
I-I-I don't know--
I-- I'm gonna make
the menu, right?
I mean, you're not gonna
leave me out, are you?
Oh, no. No, of course not.
Um, as a matter of fact,
you can be any food you want.
Whoa. Okay, that's
a big responsibility.
I'm gonna take a little time
with this. You know?
I mean, I-I have to be something
that's low in cholesterol.
And no fat.
And I have to be easy to digest.
I mean, I don't want
anybody waking up
in the middle of the night
saying,
"Boy, that Lowell Mather
gave me gas."
I really enjoyed
your helicopter tour.
When it got
a little choppy up there,
I hope I didn't squeeze
your hand too hard.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually
starting to get
some feeling
back into my fingers.
( both chuckle )
Uh, listen, I'm gonna be
in Nantucket a couple of days.
Uh, any chance
you might be free for dinner?
Hey that's--
That's really nice.
But, uh, the fact is I'm--
I'm seeing someone.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, well,
you can't blame a guy
for trying.
( chuckles )
What was that all about?
Oh, he just--
He just asked me out.
What do you mean
he asked you out?
Relax, I said no.
Yeah, but I--
I'm not sure I like the idea
of other guys asking you out.
Of course, you know, if you
wanna go out with other guys,
you can.
Well, I didn't say that.
What, are you trying
to get rid of me?
No, I just wanted
to give you your space.
I didn't ask you for space.
Wait a minute.
Is this your way
of telling me
that you want more space?
No, I didn't say that.
I don't wanna go out
with other women.
Well, I don't wanna go out with
other guys. I'm perfectly happy.
I'm perfectly happy with you.
I've never been happier
in my whole life.
I've never been happier, either.
Fine. Why don't we
just see each other, then?
Okay.
All right.
Wait a second. Hold it.
Something important
just happened here.
Heh. What was it?
I think we just agreed
to have an exclusive
relationship.
Right. Haven't we been
doing that already?
Yeah, but we made it official.
Official?
We're not engaged, are we?
No, but that look of terror
on your face is very flattering.
Oh, come on.
Come on. I didn't mean it
that way, you know?
Why don't you take
your foot out of your mouth
so you can kiss me?
All right.
Hey, guys,
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but, listen,
recently I've been
given the opportunity
to become a food.
So I-I just wanted to run
these ideas past you.
Okay, Lowell Melt.
Lowell Kabob.
Or Lowell Slaw.
Okay, good idea.
You get back to me later.
( mellow piano theme playing )
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Hey, Joe. Joe, Something big
just happened to me, man.
Can you--? Can you hold on
for just one second? What?
( sighs )
Okay.
Alex and I, uh,
just took a very big step
in our relationship.
You got engaged!
No! No. No, no, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
We just, uh--
We, uh, decided that we were
gonna only date each other.
Oh. Isn't that
what you've been doing?
Yeah, kinda, but, uh,
you know, we decided
to make it official.
Oh, great. So, Audrey...
Audrey, I'll, uh--
I'll see you
tomorrow night, okay?
Wait--
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Audrey. Audrey--
The redhead with the legs?
No, the short, stumpy Audrey.
Wowee. Wow.
Wait, wait, wait. I--
I thought you were dating Cindy.
Well, I am. Saturday.
In case you're interested,
Sunday--
Yeah?
--I'm goin' out with Dana.
( laughs )
Wait, Cindy and Dana?
And now, don't forget Audrey.
But hey, you and Alex, man.
That is great news.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm real--
I'm real happy about it.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Yeah, me too.
You don't think that I'm moving
too fast, do you?
No, I just said
I thought it was great.
I do too. I feel great.
You should.
Well, I do. Don't I?
Yeah, of course I do.
Hey, I gotta pick up
this charter in Boston.
All right.
Yeah, fine, pick up that
charter, but listen, um,
what you said earlier...
Uh, I'm doing a good thing,
right?
Absolutely.
Okay, 'cause I'm--
I'm real happy
about me and Alex.
Good, because I'm real happy
about me, Cindy, Audrey,
Dana and Michelle.
There's a Michelle?
Oh, didn't I mention her?
Oh, yeah, Sunday brunch.
So, um, Alex is outside, right?
'Cause I wanna
congratulate her too.
Yeah. Stay away from her.
She's all I got.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Helen, uh,
I hear you're, uh,
naming items on your menu
after people
who work around here.
Right.
( chuckles )
What am I? Heh.
Oh, you're the jumbo turkey leg.
Is that some kind of crack?
No, it's because you order it
practically every day.
I don't wanna be that.
All right, Roy. Fine.
What do you wanna be?
A salad.
Have you ever seen a salad?
Okay, fine.
You are a salad.
Okay, what do you
want for lunch?
The Roy Salad.
And-- And-- And the
jumbo turkey leg.
HELEN: Hey, Brian.
Hey.
I heard about you and Alex
making it official.
You got engaged!
No! No, no, no, no,
just, uh--
Just dating exclusively now.
Congratulations.
I think that's great.
You made a really good decision.
Thank you. I did.
Didn't I?
Well, you know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna name something
on my menu after you two.
How about the Alex and Brian
Soup and Sandwich Combo?
Hm.
I'm a salad.
( Brian chuckles nervously )
Combo.
Well, I mean, the-- The-- The--
The sandwich and the soup
don't always have to be
together, right?
I mean, sometimes the sandwich
might wanna be by itself.
Is that so bad?
I mean, it could spend
some time with the chips,
or maybe just, uh,
it's off-hours with the pickle.
I mean, why does the sandwich
always have to be with the soup?
It doesn't, does it?
Brian, are you having doubts
about this Alex thing?
Where'd you--? What? No.
Where would you get that from?
When two people feel
for each other
the way Alex and I
feel for each other--
How're you doin'?
I mean, you know, when there's--
When there's trust
and when there's love,
and there's--
There's trust.
Great deal of trust there.
There's, uh...
What? Where--? Where--?
Where was I?
The same place as me.
In a steamin' shower,
soapin' up that blond chick.
( groans )
Hey, Brian, remember:
You have a great
relationship with Alex.
Oh, you're right. You're right.
I've got a great woman.
I am not missing a thing.
Come on in.
( Brian chuckles )
Hey, Joey, come here.
What are these women?
Fashion models.
JOE:
That was the charter
I picked up. Can you believe it?
Wha--?
Right this way, ladies.
Th-this is a test, right?
( upbeat piano theme playing )
WOMAN:
Okay.
WOMAN:
That's it. Chins up.
That's it. Come on.
There we go.
All right, Zarina, honey,
wipe off the lip-gloss.
You look like you've been
suckin' on a squid.
Hey, the plane was a good idea,
Hackett.
Cigarette?
Uh, no, thanks.
I don't smoke.
Don't lecture me.
Marjean. Marjean!
You look like you're posing.
Come on, now.
I want you to look natural.
You know, like you normally do
when you're huggin' a propeller.
Yeah.
You know,
back when I was a model,
I wouldn't have taken
a crap job like this.
You were a model?
Is that so hard to believe?
No. No, no, I think
that's what
I would've guessed.
You know, model,
stewardess,
longshoreman.
All right. Good, good, good.
Everybody off.
Let's see. Uh, you stay.
Everybody else move.
Tiffany, come here.
I want you to grab
this wrench, and, uh,
screw around here
with the plane,
make like you're
fixing the propeller.
Oh, yes, that's cute.
That's cute.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, Joe.
How come I'm never consulted
when a new mechanic's hired?
No, no, no, Lowell.
Look, you don't understand.
No, I understand perfectly.
It doesn't take a genius
to figure out
how this one got the job.
Hey, uh, Joey,
I need to see you for just a--
Hackett, Hackett, can we do
something about the people here?
We're working.
Look, no, sorry. He's okay.
Uh, everybody--
Everyone, this is
my brother, Brian.
( Brian chuckles )
Listen, before this
gets out of hand,
uh, I think you should know
that, uh, I'm in a--
I'm in a committed relationship,
so sorry.
( snorts, chuckles )
Look, you're cute.
Nobody cares. Take it outside.
Look, uh,
Brian, do you wanna
see me about something?
Yeah. Uh, I need you to, uh--
To sign this.
It's a clipboard.
You want me to sign a clipboard?
Well, not if you're gonna
cop an attitude.
You just--
You couldn't resist, could you?
They're amazing, aren't they?
What, that?
Yeah, you know, they're okay.
I mean, if you
go for their type.
But I-I-I just gotta tell you
that, uh, none of 'em--
None of 'em are
as beautiful as Alex.
( chuckles, screams )
What the--?
What happened to you?
Well, I was working on
the helicopter engine
and the damn oil line broke.
Well, go. Go.
Go clean up or something.
Okay, I just came over
to tell you that I was thinking
about our talk this morning,
and I felt just great about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too. Feel great.
Never better.
Go clean up.
All right.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Helen.
Yeah.
Finally decided what
I'd like to be on the menu.
Oh, actually, Lowell--
First of all, I feel honored
that you would
even think to include me.
You're welcome.
It's just that--
It's quite a tribute to have
something named after you.
Kinda like
the Washington Monument.
Or the Lincoln Memorial.
Or the Flintstone vitamin.
So it is with
no small amount of pride
that I can say to you--
Stop it, Lowell. I decided not
to name anything after anybody.
All right, no big deal.
Hey, you guys,
y-y-you should see Joe
carrying on out there.
He's-- He's-- He's actin'
like a little kid.
Well, he's just excited
because they're gorgeous models.
Oh, come on. Fay, they're not
even that good looking, really.
I mean, you take away
the hairdos and all the makeup
and the perfect bodies,
I mean, what do you have?
The woman I went out with
last night.
Hackett, you are
as transparent as glass.
You shackled yourself
to Lambert,
and now it's killing you.
HELEN:
Now, he didn't
shackle himself to anyone.
He made a very mature decision
based on love and caring,
and he couldn't be happier.
What she said.
It is not natural for a guy
to look at the same woman
for the rest of his life.
Or-- Or in your case,
until you run out of quarters.
Brian knows exactly
what he's doing,
don't you, Brian?
Brian.
HELEN:
Defend yourself here.
Oh, he can't even.
He's too busy
staring at that babe
over there on the phone.
BRIAN: Oh, come on.
I mean, even though, yes, I'm in
a committed relationship,
but that doesn't mean I can't
look at a beautiful woman.
I'm a guy.
( chuckles )
( laughs )
Well, uh, I-I don't, uh--
I don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
In Italy,
men aren't even expected
to be monogamous.
Of course not.
They just keep going
from dame to dame,
trying to find one
who shaves her pits.
I resent that comment, Roy.
Don't deny it, just resent it.
Helen,
can I get some ice water?
Oh, man.
It's amazing how hard
those girls work
under those hot lights.
What do you mean, uh,
the girls are, like, all--
All sweaty?
No, you're not interested
in them, Brian.
No, I'm not interested in them.
You're in a committed
relationship with Alex.
I'm in a committed
relationship with Alex.
You couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be happier.
That was very good, Helen.
I couldn't even see
your lips move.
Oh. Oh, listen, by the way, um,
turns out this is the girls'
last day of shooting,
so I thought I'd invite 'em
to our house tonight
for a little party
to celebrate.
Party?
You couldn't care less.
I couldn't care less.
I-- I'm done the party thing.
I don't need to do
the party thing anymore.
You know, wild, crazy,
uninhibited fun.
Right? Meaningless sex.
Uh, hot,
freaky...
I don't have to do that anymore.
Hey, Joe. We need directions
to the party tonight.
Excuse me.
I don't have to do that anymore.
And you know why I don't?
Because of this--
This lady right here.
Yeah, so you guys--
You go have your party, okay?
Party all night long.
Don't even wait up for me,
'cause I know
where I'm gonna be.
At home, having
a quiet evening with Alex.
Not tonight.
I'm going to Boston.
Tonight?
You know, you remember.
I'm going to see
my college roommate.
Think you'll be okay
without me for one night?
Tonight?
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( dance music playing )
You know, after all these
months of traveling--
Paris, Milan, Rome.
--it's nice to let your hair
down with some normal people.
Hey, Joe, this is
a really classy party,
and this cheese-in-a-can stuff
is really great.
Oh, hey, uh,
Vi, do you need an ashtray?
Don't lecture me.
Hey, you really wanna
do something for me,
you'll dance with me, Sparky.
( doorbell rings )
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'd better get that.
BOTH:
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute.
Hackett, wait just a minute.
Roy, what are you doing here?
Oh, look, Hackett,
I know I wasn't invited.
( Roy gasps, chuckles )
Look at all those models.
Please, Hackett,
you gotta let me stay.
There must be one of 'em
you can spare.
All right, Roy. You can stay.
( chortles )
As a matter of fact, uh,
I think I've got
the perfect girl for you.
Vi. Vi.
What?
There's someone over here
I want you to meet.
Ooh.
Oh, I like a man who looks like
he's been around the track
a few times.
You stay right here,
studmuffin.
I'm gonna go get us
a couple of drinks.
Hackett, she's rude and crude
and looks like
she could hurt me.
Thanks, I owe you. Heh.
I like Italian men.
I think you're all so charming.
Ah, oh, well,
and you, you are a--
( speaks Italian )
That means "a beautiful girl."
Aw. What do you call
a beautiful boy?
In my village,
we call him B.B.
( shrieks )
Oh, God.
Oh.
Wow, I'm sorry.
LOWELL: Uh, need any help?
Oh, it's okay.
Uh, is there someplace
I can get cleaned up?
Yeah, here. Come with me.
Right through this door.
There's a couple of bathrooms
upstairs.
Oh, thanks.
Sure.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( dance music playing )
Oh, hi. Didn't I see you
at the airport?
You were, uh--
In a committed relationship.
Would you excuse me, please?
Committed.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Brian, how are
you doing? Where you been?
Been doing everything I could
to stay away from this place.
Got so desperate that
I ended up at the library.
You went to the library?
Yeah, big mistake.
I still have a book overdue
since junior high.
Apparently, I owe over $700
on Our Bodies, Our Selves.
Oh, I'm not available, please.
God, don't flatter
yourself.
Lowell, sorry.
Hey, Brian. Brian.
( stammers )
Brian. Shh.
Don't-- Come on,
stop being so jumpy.
Why don't you just relax,
join the party, you know,
you don't have to do anything.
You're right. You're right.
I'm a mature adult.
I mean, so what? There are
beautiful women all over.
I can handle it.
I cannot handle it.
Excuse me, is there any more
ice in the kitchen?
Oh, what is it with you women?
Don't you know that
when a man says no, he means no.
Joe would come in here, please?
I need a little hug.
Can't this wait one second?
No, it can't wait. Come on.
You mind if I use your phone?
Oh, they're all over me.
Okay, all right, Brian,
what is so damn important?
I'm in a committed relationship.
Yeah, well, I'm not,
so can you make this quick?
This key, okay.
Lock the door,
and do not let me out
until the morning
no matter what happens.
What? You're kidding me.
Hey, you see those women
down there, Joey,
and you know me.
( sighs )
I don't believe this.
So listen, listen, listen.
I'm tryin' to be good here.
You gotta help me, all right?
So no matter how much screaming
or begging I do,
don't let me
out of this room.
You're serious.
Absolutely.
( scoffs )
All right.
( lock clicks )
Oh,
excuse me.
Okay, Joe, let me out now.
You don't understand. I just--
Please-- Please, don't
come any further.
Joe.
BRIAN:
Joe!
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Your attention please,
ladies and gentlemen.
Announcing the departure
of Sandpiper Flight 20
to Martha's Vineyard
and New Bedford.
We request that passengers
needing assistance
or traveling
with small children,
please board at this time.
Fay.
Yes, Joe?
First of all, that was
a lovely announcement.
Ha-ha. Thank you.
Yeah, um,
but we don't have
anyone on Flight 20,
and there's not even
anyone here.
( chuckles )
I gue-- I guess I'm just
a creature of habit.
It was 9 a.m.,
and I automatically
announced Flight 20.
( chuckles )
It's kind of silly, isn't it?
( chuckles )
Sorry, Fay.
( laughs )
( airplane flies overhead )
Attention, please.
Flight 20 has been canceled.
W-- Ha-ha. I-I just, uh--
Needed closure.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Uh, Helen, what--?
What are you working on?
I'm working on a new menu.
Um, when I was
in New York with Davis,
he took me
to this restaurant
where everything was
named after celebrities.
So I thought
it might be fun to try it
with the people around here.
I've got
Helen's Hash Browns,
( chuckles )
Sloppy Joe Hackett.
Ha-ha. Get it?
Ah, did you, uh--?
Did you happen to
name anything after me?
I sure did.
Antonio's Spaghetti
and Meatballs.
How long did it take you
to come up with that one?
You-- You-- You just-- You just
look at the Italian guy,
and immediately think
"meatball"?
No, I-I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean to offend you.
Um, let's just forget
about that, okay?
Here, what can I get you
for lunch?
Mamma mia, I don't-a know.
How about a nice-a pizza pie?
Well, I don't know
why Antonio was so upset.
I think it's a lovely idea.
Thank you.
Are you gonna name anything
after me?
I-- I already did.
( chuckles )
Fay's Bran Muffin.
I'm a bran muffin?
Well, you know,
you order one every morning.
Well, does the whole world
have to know that?
Helen, what am I? What am I?
What am I?
Well,
actually, Lowell,
I-I-I don't know--
I-- I'm gonna make
the menu, right?
I mean, you're not gonna
leave me out, are you?
Oh, no. No, of course not.
Um, as a matter of fact,
you can be any food you want.
Whoa. Okay, that's
a big responsibility.
I'm gonna take a little time
with this. You know?
I mean, I-I have to be something
that's low in cholesterol.
And no fat.
And I have to be easy to digest.
I mean, I don't want
anybody waking up
in the middle of the night
saying,
"Boy, that Lowell Mather
gave me gas."
I really enjoyed
your helicopter tour.
When it got
a little choppy up there,
I hope I didn't squeeze
your hand too hard.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually
starting to get
some feeling
back into my fingers.
( both chuckle )
Uh, listen, I'm gonna be
in Nantucket a couple of days.
Uh, any chance
you might be free for dinner?
Hey that's--
That's really nice.
But, uh, the fact is I'm--
I'm seeing someone.
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, well,
you can't blame a guy
for trying.
( chuckles )
What was that all about?
Oh, he just--
He just asked me out.
What do you mean
he asked you out?
Relax, I said no.
Yeah, but I--
I'm not sure I like the idea
of other guys asking you out.
Of course, you know, if you
wanna go out with other guys,
you can.
Well, I didn't say that.
What, are you trying
to get rid of me?
No, I just wanted
to give you your space.
I didn't ask you for space.
Wait a minute.
Is this your way
of telling me
that you want more space?
No, I didn't say that.
I don't wanna go out
with other women.
Well, I don't wanna go out with
other guys. I'm perfectly happy.
I'm perfectly happy with you.
I've never been happier
in my whole life.
I've never been happier, either.
Fine. Why don't we
just see each other, then?
Okay.
All right.
Wait a second. Hold it.
Something important
just happened here.
Heh. What was it?
I think we just agreed
to have an exclusive
relationship.
Right. Haven't we been
doing that already?
Yeah, but we made it official.
Official?
We're not engaged, are we?
No, but that look of terror
on your face is very flattering.
Oh, come on.
Come on. I didn't mean it
that way, you know?
Why don't you take
your foot out of your mouth
so you can kiss me?
All right.
Hey, guys,
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but, listen,
recently I've been
given the opportunity
to become a food.
So I-I just wanted to run
these ideas past you.
Okay, Lowell Melt.
Lowell Kabob.
Or Lowell Slaw.
Okay, good idea.
You get back to me later.
( mellow piano theme playing )
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Hey, Joe. Joe, Something big
just happened to me, man.
Can you--? Can you hold on
for just one second? What?
( sighs )
Okay.
Alex and I, uh,
just took a very big step
in our relationship.
You got engaged!
No! No. No, no, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
We just, uh--
We, uh, decided that we were
gonna only date each other.
Oh. Isn't that
what you've been doing?
Yeah, kinda, but, uh,
you know, we decided
to make it official.
Oh, great. So, Audrey...
Audrey, I'll, uh--
I'll see you
tomorrow night, okay?
Wait--
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Audrey. Audrey--
The redhead with the legs?
No, the short, stumpy Audrey.
Wowee. Wow.
Wait, wait, wait. I--
I thought you were dating Cindy.
Well, I am. Saturday.
In case you're interested,
Sunday--
Yeah?
--I'm goin' out with Dana.
( laughs )
Wait, Cindy and Dana?
And now, don't forget Audrey.
But hey, you and Alex, man.
That is great news.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm real--
I'm real happy about it.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Yeah, me too.
You don't think that I'm moving
too fast, do you?
No, I just said
I thought it was great.
I do too. I feel great.
You should.
Well, I do. Don't I?
Yeah, of course I do.
Hey, I gotta pick up
this charter in Boston.
All right.
Yeah, fine, pick up that
charter, but listen, um,
what you said earlier...
Uh, I'm doing a good thing,
right?
Absolutely.
Okay, 'cause I'm--
I'm real happy
about me and Alex.
Good, because I'm real happy
about me, Cindy, Audrey,
Dana and Michelle.
There's a Michelle?
Oh, didn't I mention her?
Oh, yeah, Sunday brunch.
So, um, Alex is outside, right?
'Cause I wanna
congratulate her too.
Yeah. Stay away from her.
She's all I got.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Helen, uh,
I hear you're, uh,
naming items on your menu
after people
who work around here.
Right.
( chuckles )
What am I? Heh.
Oh, you're the jumbo turkey leg.
Is that some kind of crack?
No, it's because you order it
practically every day.
I don't wanna be that.
All right, Roy. Fine.
What do you wanna be?
A salad.
Have you ever seen a salad?
Okay, fine.
You are a salad.
Okay, what do you
want for lunch?
The Roy Salad.
And-- And-- And the
jumbo turkey leg.
HELEN: Hey, Brian.
Hey.
I heard about you and Alex
making it official.
You got engaged!
No! No, no, no, no,
just, uh--
Just dating exclusively now.
Congratulations.
I think that's great.
You made a really good decision.
Thank you. I did.
Didn't I?
Well, you know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna name something
on my menu after you two.
How about the Alex and Brian
Soup and Sandwich Combo?
Hm.
I'm a salad.
( Brian chuckles nervously )
Combo.
Well, I mean, the-- The-- The--
The sandwich and the soup
don't always have to be
together, right?
I mean, sometimes the sandwich
might wanna be by itself.
Is that so bad?
I mean, it could spend
some time with the chips,
or maybe just, uh,
it's off-hours with the pickle.
I mean, why does the sandwich
always have to be with the soup?
It doesn't, does it?
Brian, are you having doubts
about this Alex thing?
Where'd you--? What? No.
Where would you get that from?
When two people feel
for each other
the way Alex and I
feel for each other--
How're you doin'?
I mean, you know, when there's--
When there's trust
and when there's love,
and there's--
There's trust.
Great deal of trust there.
There's, uh...
What? Where--? Where--?
Where was I?
The same place as me.
In a steamin' shower,
soapin' up that blond chick.
( groans )
Hey, Brian, remember:
You have a great
relationship with Alex.
Oh, you're right. You're right.
I've got a great woman.
I am not missing a thing.
Come on in.
( Brian chuckles )
Hey, Joey, come here.
What are these women?
Fashion models.
JOE:
That was the charter
I picked up. Can you believe it?
Wha--?
Right this way, ladies.
Th-this is a test, right?
( upbeat piano theme playing )
WOMAN:
Okay.
WOMAN:
That's it. Chins up.
That's it. Come on.
There we go.
All right, Zarina, honey,
wipe off the lip-gloss.
You look like you've been
suckin' on a squid.
Hey, the plane was a good idea,
Hackett.
Cigarette?
Uh, no, thanks.
I don't smoke.
Don't lecture me.
Marjean. Marjean!
You look like you're posing.
Come on, now.
I want you to look natural.
You know, like you normally do
when you're huggin' a propeller.
Yeah.
You know,
back when I was a model,
I wouldn't have taken
a crap job like this.
You were a model?
Is that so hard to believe?
No. No, no, I think
that's what
I would've guessed.
You know, model,
stewardess,
longshoreman.
All right. Good, good, good.
Everybody off.
Let's see. Uh, you stay.
Everybody else move.
Tiffany, come here.
I want you to grab
this wrench, and, uh,
screw around here
with the plane,
make like you're
fixing the propeller.
Oh, yes, that's cute.
That's cute.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, Joe.
How come I'm never consulted
when a new mechanic's hired?
No, no, no, Lowell.
Look, you don't understand.
No, I understand perfectly.
It doesn't take a genius
to figure out
how this one got the job.
Hey, uh, Joey,
I need to see you for just a--
Hackett, Hackett, can we do
something about the people here?
We're working.
Look, no, sorry. He's okay.
Uh, everybody--
Everyone, this is
my brother, Brian.
( Brian chuckles )
Listen, before this
gets out of hand,
uh, I think you should know
that, uh, I'm in a--
I'm in a committed relationship,
so sorry.
( snorts, chuckles )
Look, you're cute.
Nobody cares. Take it outside.
Look, uh,
Brian, do you wanna
see me about something?
Yeah. Uh, I need you to, uh--
To sign this.
It's a clipboard.
You want me to sign a clipboard?
Well, not if you're gonna
cop an attitude.
You just--
You couldn't resist, could you?
They're amazing, aren't they?
What, that?
Yeah, you know, they're okay.
I mean, if you
go for their type.
But I-I-I just gotta tell you
that, uh, none of 'em--
None of 'em are
as beautiful as Alex.
( chuckles, screams )
What the--?
What happened to you?
Well, I was working on
the helicopter engine
and the damn oil line broke.
Well, go. Go.
Go clean up or something.
Okay, I just came over
to tell you that I was thinking
about our talk this morning,
and I felt just great about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too. Feel great.
Never better.
Go clean up.
All right.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Helen.
Yeah.
Finally decided what
I'd like to be on the menu.
Oh, actually, Lowell--
First of all, I feel honored
that you would
even think to include me.
You're welcome.
It's just that--
It's quite a tribute to have
something named after you.
Kinda like
the Washington Monument.
Or the Lincoln Memorial.
Or the Flintstone vitamin.
So it is with
no small amount of pride
that I can say to you--
Stop it, Lowell. I decided not
to name anything after anybody.
All right, no big deal.
Hey, you guys,
y-y-you should see Joe
carrying on out there.
He's-- He's-- He's actin'
like a little kid.
Well, he's just excited
because they're gorgeous models.
Oh, come on. Fay, they're not
even that good looking, really.
I mean, you take away
the hairdos and all the makeup
and the perfect bodies,
I mean, what do you have?
The woman I went out with
last night.
Hackett, you are
as transparent as glass.
You shackled yourself
to Lambert,
and now it's killing you.
HELEN:
Now, he didn't
shackle himself to anyone.
He made a very mature decision
based on love and caring,
and he couldn't be happier.
What she said.
It is not natural for a guy
to look at the same woman
for the rest of his life.
Or-- Or in your case,
until you run out of quarters.
Brian knows exactly
what he's doing,
don't you, Brian?
Brian.
HELEN:
Defend yourself here.
Oh, he can't even.
He's too busy
staring at that babe
over there on the phone.
BRIAN: Oh, come on.
I mean, even though, yes, I'm in
a committed relationship,
but that doesn't mean I can't
look at a beautiful woman.
I'm a guy.
( chuckles )
( laughs )
Well, uh, I-I don't, uh--
I don't understand
what all the fuss is about.
In Italy,
men aren't even expected
to be monogamous.
Of course not.
They just keep going
from dame to dame,
trying to find one
who shaves her pits.
I resent that comment, Roy.
Don't deny it, just resent it.
Helen,
can I get some ice water?
Oh, man.
It's amazing how hard
those girls work
under those hot lights.
What do you mean, uh,
the girls are, like, all--
All sweaty?
No, you're not interested
in them, Brian.
No, I'm not interested in them.
You're in a committed
relationship with Alex.
I'm in a committed
relationship with Alex.
You couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be happier.
That was very good, Helen.
I couldn't even see
your lips move.
Oh. Oh, listen, by the way, um,
turns out this is the girls'
last day of shooting,
so I thought I'd invite 'em
to our house tonight
for a little party
to celebrate.
Party?
You couldn't care less.
I couldn't care less.
I-- I'm done the party thing.
I don't need to do
the party thing anymore.
You know, wild, crazy,
uninhibited fun.
Right? Meaningless sex.
Uh, hot,
freaky...
I don't have to do that anymore.
Hey, Joe. We need directions
to the party tonight.
Excuse me.
I don't have to do that anymore.
And you know why I don't?
Because of this--
This lady right here.
Yeah, so you guys--
You go have your party, okay?
Party all night long.
Don't even wait up for me,
'cause I know
where I'm gonna be.
At home, having
a quiet evening with Alex.
Not tonight.
I'm going to Boston.
Tonight?
You know, you remember.
I'm going to see
my college roommate.
Think you'll be okay
without me for one night?
Tonight?
( piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( dance music playing )
You know, after all these
months of traveling--
Paris, Milan, Rome.
--it's nice to let your hair
down with some normal people.
Hey, Joe, this is
a really classy party,
and this cheese-in-a-can stuff
is really great.
Oh, hey, uh,
Vi, do you need an ashtray?
Don't lecture me.
Hey, you really wanna
do something for me,
you'll dance with me, Sparky.
( doorbell rings )
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'd better get that.
BOTH:
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute.
Hackett, wait just a minute.
Roy, what are you doing here?
Oh, look, Hackett,
I know I wasn't invited.
( Roy gasps, chuckles )
Look at all those models.
Please, Hackett,
you gotta let me stay.
There must be one of 'em
you can spare.
All right, Roy. You can stay.
( chortles )
As a matter of fact, uh,
I think I've got
the perfect girl for you.
Vi. Vi.
What?
There's someone over here
I want you to meet.
Ooh.
Oh, I like a man who looks like
he's been around the track
a few times.
You stay right here,
studmuffin.
I'm gonna go get us
a couple of drinks.
Hackett, she's rude and crude
and looks like
she could hurt me.
Thanks, I owe you. Heh.
I like Italian men.
I think you're all so charming.
Ah, oh, well,
and you, you are a--
( speaks Italian )
That means "a beautiful girl."
Aw. What do you call
a beautiful boy?
In my village,
we call him B.B.
( shrieks )
Oh, God.
Oh.
Wow, I'm sorry.
LOWELL: Uh, need any help?
Oh, it's okay.
Uh, is there someplace
I can get cleaned up?
Yeah, here. Come with me.
Right through this door.
There's a couple of bathrooms
upstairs.
Oh, thanks.
Sure.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( dance music playing )
Oh, hi. Didn't I see you
at the airport?
You were, uh--
In a committed relationship.
Would you excuse me, please?
Committed.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Brian, how are
you doing? Where you been?
Been doing everything I could
to stay away from this place.
Got so desperate that
I ended up at the library.
You went to the library?
Yeah, big mistake.
I still have a book overdue
since junior high.
Apparently, I owe over $700
on Our Bodies, Our Selves.
Oh, I'm not available, please.
God, don't flatter
yourself.
Lowell, sorry.
Hey, Brian. Brian.
( stammers )
Brian. Shh.
Don't-- Come on,
stop being so jumpy.
Why don't you just relax,
join the party, you know,
you don't have to do anything.
You're right. You're right.
I'm a mature adult.
I mean, so what? There are
beautiful women all over.
I can handle it.
I cannot handle it.
Excuse me, is there any more
ice in the kitchen?
Oh, what is it with you women?
Don't you know that
when a man says no, he means no.
Joe would come in here, please?
I need a little hug.
Can't this wait one second?
No, it can't wait. Come on.
You mind if I use your phone?
Oh, they're all over me.
Okay, all right, Brian,
what is so damn important?
I'm in a committed relationship.
Yeah, well, I'm not,
so can you make this quick?
This key, okay.
Lock the door,
and do not let me out
until the morning
no matter what happens.
What? You're kidding me.
Hey, you see those women
down there, Joey,
and you know me.
( sighs )
I don't believe this.
So listen, listen, listen.
I'm tryin' to be good here.
You gotta help me, all right?
So no matter how much screaming
or begging I do,
don't let me
out of this room.
You're serious.
Absolutely.
( scoffs )
All right.
( lock clicks )
Oh,
excuse me.
Okay, Joe, let me out now.
You don't understand. I just--
Please-- Please, don't
come any further.
Joe.
BRIAN:
Joe!
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )