Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 16 - Hey, Nineteen - full transcript
( upbeat theme playing )
( engine hums )
Whoa.
What?
Brian, I just had a major
déjà vu experience.
You and I have lived
this exact moment before.
Of course we have, Lowell.
We take this maintenance flight
once a month
and every time you
pull this déjà vu crap.
Whoa,
that's exactly
what you said before.
Lowell--
Whoa, and you said that too.
Lowell, please.
And that too.
Lowell, stop it. I hate this.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You're making me crazy.
Whoa!
Lowell...
No, the last one wasn't:
"Whoa, déjà vu. "
The last one was:
"Whoa, we're gonna
crash into that plane!"
( both screaming )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, darn, that mangy beast
is still following me.
Get lost, huh?
Beat it. Shoo.
You heard him, Roy,
beat it. Shoo.
Oh, look at the doggy.
Oh, he's such a sweetheart.
Who's is he?
Uh, we don't know.
Roy and I found him
out in the parking lot.
He was playing with
a wet tennis ball
and scratching himself.
That's exactly
how we found Lowell.
Oh, my gosh!
Look at the little
cute dog.
Hey, who's is he?
Who knows?
He must be hungry.
I'll go get him
something to eat?
Yeah.
( baby talk ):
Okay, sweetie.
I gotta go
take a flight now, okay?
But I'll be back in just
a little while.
That's right you cute
little sweet doggy.
( smooching )
( planes overhead )
See ya.
So, what are we gonna
do with him?
What do you mean, "we?"
He followed you home.
That mangy little beast
does not set foot in my house.
Well, I think you guys
ought to reconsider it.
This dog has got
the gift.
No woman can resist him.
I would take him but--
( sneezing )
I'm, uh...
I'm allergic to dogs.
Well, I would take him
but, uh--
I don't want to.
Oh, what a cute
little doggy.
Who's is he?
BOTH:
Mine.
Courtney, over here.
( phone rings )
( planes overhead )
Oh, oh, Joe,
this is Courtney Blake.
She's my study partner
in psych class.
Hi, nice to meet you, Courtney.
Same here.
Uh, we're going to study
together on our way to the exam.
Yeah, well, I'll just
get my coat.
You're a pilot, huh?
Yeah, that's right.
Must be pretty
romantic.
I mean, the glamour,
the risk,
the freedom
of the open sky...
Oh, my God. How lame.
"The freedom of the open sky."
No, no, actually
it's not lame at all.
Uh, flying your own plane
is pretty glamorous.
Joe, we're running low
on barf-bags.
Well, most of the time
it's glamorous.
Here you go, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Helen.
Helen?
Helen Chapel,
oh, my God, I can't believe it!
How are you?
I'm fine,
thank you.
Who are you?
Courtney.
Courtney Blake.
Little Courtney Blake?
( giggling ):
Hi!
Good to see you.
I used to baby-sit her.
When was it?
Um, like,
five, six years ago?
More like, 12.
I'm 19 now.
You are 19?
You know, I was 19
when I sat you.
Well, Helen, that would
make you about--
About 27.
So, what have you
been doing?
Well, I'm here
to pick up Fay.
We're in the same class.
Great. You know,
you look wonderful.
Oh, so do you.
And I love
that outfit.
My mom has one
just like it.
Thank you.
Oh, Courtney, I don't
know about this test.
I'm just so nervous
that I'm forgetting everything.
Oh, come on, Fay.
What about when you
were in stewardess school?
You had to take tests then.
Oh, no, those were easy.
I mean, the only
tricky part there
was going down
the emergency slide
without your skirt
flying over your head.
We better be going now.
Bye, Helen.
Imagine seeing you again
after all these years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bye.
Good luck on
your test there, kids.
Thanks.
Bye, Joe.
Hope I see you again.
Yeah, me too.
Heh-heh-heh.
Grow up.
Yeah, why is your mind
always in the gutter?
BOTH:
Oh!
Is she hot or what?
Oh, man...
Tight little body--
Those incredible eyes.
Long beautiful legs.
You see her butt?
( sarcastically ):
No, I missed it.
What about that smile?
Oh, and the way
her hair smelled.
I think it was Prell.
Find out.
Invite her over
for some cake and a shower.
Oh, yeah...
Wouldn't I love to.
What's stopping you?
Come on, Brian, she's 19.
I'm not gonna go out
with a 19-year-old.
What kind of relationship
are we gonna have?
The perfect kind!
Meaningless!
Hot, physical,
and absolutely
superficial, man.
That's why 19
is the perfect age.
No ticking biological clock.
None of that,
"I need a commitment."
None of that, "Didn't we
already do it this week?"
Yeah, I know, but--
No buts,
no buts. I mean,
what happened to the guy
who was gonna change his life?
The guy who was gonna
grab the gusto?
She's the gusto, Joe.
Grab her.
Wait, wait. Hold on
a minute here.
You're being way too supportive.
What's in this for you?
You're my brother, man.
I care about you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and?
And I wanna see you happy.
And?
And...
...I'm already
in a relationship
and I wanna get a cheap thrill
by living vicariously
through you, is that so wrong?
Look, Brian, I would love
to go out with Courtney
but 19?
I mean, wouldn't people talk?
Hey, Joe, you're
a good-looking guy in his 30's
without a girlfriend--
Trust me,
people are already talking.
( upbeat theme playing )
You know that I was worried
about that test.
It was so much easier
than I thought it would be.
Really?
Even the essay question?
There was an essay
question?
Yeah, on page two.
There was a page two?
Joe.
Hi.
Hi. I didn't realize
you'd still be at work.
Well, yeah, I have to take
the 6:00 flight to Boston.
Oh, great. I'm on that flight.
Yeah?
I'm going to the Pearl Jam
concert,
( hesitant ):
"Pearl Jam."
Do you like them?
Yeah. I love them.
That great...
...tune they do.
Well, I'm meeting a bunch
of my friends there
and I happen to know
there's an extra ticket.
Wanna go?
Yeah, why not,
I'd love
to go see Pearl Jam.
Joe Hackett at
a Pearl Jam concert?
( laughs )
Pearl Bailey maybe.
Hey, look who's here,
Courtney.
Hi.
Hi.
Brian, I don't have anyone
on the return flight
so I'm gonna go to the Pearl Jam
concert with Courtney.
( laughing ):
Joe Hackett
at a Pearl Jam concert.
What is so funny
about that?
Well, uh, for starters
you're wearing a tie
and little wings.
I think he looks
adorable.
Oh...
Heh-heh-heh.
You ready?
Mm-hm.
Joe, would it be okay
if I sat up front with you?
Yeah, sure.
Heh-heh-heh.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Uh, pick you up at 8?
( sneezing )
( sneezes )
It's about time.
Uh, where are you going?
The health club.
The aerobics class
is letting out.
Nothing I like better than
sweaty women in spandex
bending over
to pet my pooch.
You're not gonna
believe this.
Joe and Courtney
are rollerblading
out on the tarmac.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Oh, wow...
...will you look at her
out there wearing those
tight athletic shorts...
It's very poor
rollerblading safety.
Joe is acting completely
ridiculous.
This is crazy.
You know,
he only likes her
for her body.
Oh, Helen, you almost sound
a little threatened.
Nah.
You don't have anything
to worry about
you still look wonderful.
"Still?"
What do you mean by "still?"
Well, I didn't mean anything.
I was trying to pay you
a compliment.
What kind of compliment is that?
In only a matter of time
my body's gonna go to hell.
Now, I didn't say that.
However, what age
does to a woman's body
is something we all
just have to accept.
Fay's right.
My mom used to have a figure
just like mine
but, you know,
eventually it...
...changed.
Changed?
E-e-e-exactly when
did this change occur?
It's just nature.
When you're young
you have looks,
when you're older
you get wisdom.
Of course I'd trade
every deep thought in my head
to get the old tush back.
You know, women worry
too much
about there bodies.
I think we should just relax
and let what's gonna
happen, happen.
Mom's change,
was it gradual?
Or, "boom,"
you know, like
an inflatable raft?
Brian, do you really want to
continue this discussion?
Remember, I've seen pictures
of your grandfather.
So?
So, exactly how long
until your ears do that?
Why is it that men
don't realize that women
get more interesting
as they get older.
Ah, I couldn't
agree more, Helen.
Never catch Lowell Mather
with a younger woman.
Women just get
better with age
like fine wine,
fine cheese,
and most
luncheon meat.
I've got a delivery here
for a Helen Chapel.
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, great.
Here, just, uh--
Just sign right there,
ma'am.
"Ma'am?"
Yeah.
Do I look like
a ma'am to you?
Yeah, look
at this skin.
Does this look like
the skin of a ma'am?
( stuttering )
No, ma'am.
What?
No, sir.
Uh...
All right, what am I supposed
to call you guys?
You can call me babe,
toots...
Sweetheart,
kitten,
sweet-cakes...
cupcakes...
But not..."ma'am."
So if you know
what's good for you...
...we're gonna walk away
and you better
look at our butts
the whole time.
Are you sure you've
never done this before?
You were very good.
Well...
I had a great teacher.
( quietly ):
Oh, God!
Ugh...
Tell me when
it's over.
Okay.
Not yet.
Not yet.
( groans )
Ah, it's over.
Hi everybody.
ALL:
Hi.
So, uh,
we're on for tonight?
Absolutely.
( stuttering ):
What are you kids doing tonight?
I'm reading some poetry
at the campus coffee house.
You know, I'd love it
if you all came,
I could use all
the support I can get.
Bye.
Heh-heh-heh.
So, uh...
We're on for some
poetry, uh?
Well, you heard her.
The kid needs our support.
You are so transparent.
I know you just
wanna go and gawk
at a bunch of young
college girls.
So are we going?
Sure, I wouldn't mind
gawking at some college boys.
You look at other guys?
So, what time is
the poetry reading?
You're going?
Oh, you bet I'm going.
I wouldn't wanna miss
a chance to see you
make an ass of yourself.
What is the problem,
Helen?
Are you jealous of me
and Courtney?
I'm not jealous of you
and Courtney.
Then what do you
care who I date.
I mean, you're
in a relationship,
Brian and Alex
are in a relationship.
Why can't I
have a little fun?
Okay, you want me to tell
you why? I'll tell you.
You going out with a girl
that age is crazy.
She is a child.
I mean, what could you
possibly have in common?
I mean, for God sakes, Joe,
I bathed that girl.
I tucked her in.
What a coincidence.
( upbeat theme playing )
I feel so
out-of-place here.
What do you mean?
We're not much
older than them.
No, but we're
the only people here
that don't have something
pierced or tattooed.
Speak for yourself.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Joe, what looks different
about you?
Oh, I know what it is.
You don't have Courtney
attached to your lip.
So where is she anyway?
Oh, she's running late.
She'll be here.
So this relationship
with Courtney
is actually working.
It is not a relationship.
That is the great thing
about it.
It's not leading anywhere.
No heavy talk
about the future.
Just two people
having fun together.
You know,
it's like the lyrics
in that Smashing
Pumpkins song--
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Smashing Pumpkins?
Yeah. Haven't you
heard them?
They're really excellent.
( groans )
Don't try to
be too hip.
I just had this image
of Joey Bishop
wearing a Nehru jacket.
Hi everybody,
sorry I'm late.
Hi.
All right,
everybody,
welcome to The Cup.
I'm Trevor,
your host for
this evening's journey.
First up we have
a special treat.
A poet who's insights
on the human condition
will blow you away.
Let's open up our minds
to the poetry of Lowell.
( applause )
( clears throat )
I call this,
Terminal Life.
Ow, I banged my thumb.
Ow, I banged my thumb again.
Why, why?
It's that sticky baggage
compartment door, that's why.
I ate my lunch.
Meat loaf.
I drink from thermos.
Hot this time.
Ow, I burned my tongue.
( applause )
I didn't know Lowell was a poet.
I didn't know our baggage
compartment door was sticky.
All right,
our next poetess
is a local
college student
whose verse is
as awesome as she is.
I give you the poetry
of Courtney Blake.
Hope you like it.
( sparse applause )
This is called,
My Lover.
( chuckling ):
You dog.
Why do I breathe?
My lover knows.
For we share one heart,
one body, one soul.
And my ears fall deaf
on the words of those
who say he's too brooding
too glum, too old.
If my lover should leave,
taking his caress,
let me breathe no more.
Shove a knife...
...in my chest.
All right,
so she's no Lowell.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
( sneezing )
This has been the greatest week
of my life.
I've had so many dates this week
I've had to turn
half of them away.
If I had met this dog
20 years ago,
I'd be in a jar right now.
MAN:
Excuse me.
Uh, I lost my dog.
Would you mind
putting these pictures up
around your
lunch counter?
This is your dog?
( barks )
Oh, Max.
Oh, I missed you so much.
Hey, what are you
doing with our dog?
Your dog? It's my dog.
I lost him around here
about a week ago.
Come on, Max, let's go home.
ANTONIO:
Not so fast.
How do we know he's yours?
Look at me.
I haven't spent
a Saturday night alone
in three years.
It's his.
Look, I'm not gonna
beat around the bush.
I'll give you 5000 bucks
for the dog.
Not on your life.
I know what this dog can do.
Oh, my God.
This is the cutest,
sweetest little puppy.
Really? You think so?
Do you mind if I go outside
and play with him?
Maybe we were
giving the dog
too much credit.
Yeah,
since when do we need
a dog to meet women?
( both chuckle )
Let's try the pound.
You're on.
So,
what are you gonna do
about Courtney?
What are you talking about?
You screwed up.
You made her
fall in love with you.
Well, I can't help that.
It's not my fault.
See, that's what happens when
you date a 19-year-old.
If you don't feel
the same way about her
you have to break it off.
Now.
Oh, this isn't fair.
Helen, are you really sure
this is serious?
"Shove a knife
in my chest."
Well, it's a poetic metaphor.
It could mean anything.
Yeah, as in:
"Life is so wonderful,
I could just shove a knife
in my chest."
Damn.
We were having
such a great time.
I'm just not ready
to settle down.
Why couldn't I have met her
five years from now?
Ah, it wouldn't work Joey
because in five years
she'll be 24 and she'll
be focusing on her career.
True.
But then in another
six years,
she'd be 30, she'd be
thinking about kids,
so she'll be ready
to settle down.
You'll be 44, having
a mid-life crisis.
You'll want another 19-year-old.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Ah, this is hopeless.
Why can't I just
have an empty,
meaningless
relationship
like other people?
You will, Joe,
you just haven't found
the right woman yet.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hi.
Hi.
What are you reading?
Sylvia Plath.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't she that poet
who committed suic--
Courtney,
we really need to talk.
Okay,
here it goes.
I think you're
a very special person.
So are you, Joe.
Yeah, you're beautiful
and witty
and I was incredibly
flattered by your poem--
Oh, my God,
I don't believe this.
Now, just let me finish.
Look, I know
that right now,
I seem like this
incredibly exciting
older guy--
Joe?
No, no, no,
please just hear me out.
You know, I mean, I'm a pilot
and that is so romantic
and glamorous--
You thought that poem
was about you?
Well, sure--
Wasn't it?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I should've seen this.
No, Joe,
I wrote that poem
about Michael.
Michael?
Well, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, all right.
All right, uh, what, no--
That makes sense that
you'd be seeing someone
closer to your own age.
So, what is this guy,
like, a senior?
Actually, Michael's
my English professor.
He's...
...45.
Forty-fiv--?
Isn't that a little old for you?
No, not at all.
What could you possibly
see in this guy?
Oh, Michael's deep
and cultured.
Brilliant.
Well, I thought
we had something here.
Well, we did but that's
what was so great about it.
It was just something
light and frivolous.
Light and frivolous?
W-w-what was I to you?
Just some cute little side-dish?
Please don't do this
to yourself.
No, no, don't.
I feel so used.
Look, I know right now
it seems like
your whole world's
falling apart,
but trust me,
you will meet other girls.
And in time,
you'll forget all about me.
I will never forget this
as long as I live.
Never.
( upbeat theme playing )
I call this one,
Dumped.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
( engine hums )
Whoa.
What?
Brian, I just had a major
déjà vu experience.
You and I have lived
this exact moment before.
Of course we have, Lowell.
We take this maintenance flight
once a month
and every time you
pull this déjà vu crap.
Whoa,
that's exactly
what you said before.
Lowell--
Whoa, and you said that too.
Lowell, please.
And that too.
Lowell, stop it. I hate this.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You're making me crazy.
Whoa!
Lowell...
No, the last one wasn't:
"Whoa, déjà vu. "
The last one was:
"Whoa, we're gonna
crash into that plane!"
( both screaming )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, darn, that mangy beast
is still following me.
Get lost, huh?
Beat it. Shoo.
You heard him, Roy,
beat it. Shoo.
Oh, look at the doggy.
Oh, he's such a sweetheart.
Who's is he?
Uh, we don't know.
Roy and I found him
out in the parking lot.
He was playing with
a wet tennis ball
and scratching himself.
That's exactly
how we found Lowell.
Oh, my gosh!
Look at the little
cute dog.
Hey, who's is he?
Who knows?
He must be hungry.
I'll go get him
something to eat?
Yeah.
( baby talk ):
Okay, sweetie.
I gotta go
take a flight now, okay?
But I'll be back in just
a little while.
That's right you cute
little sweet doggy.
( smooching )
( planes overhead )
See ya.
So, what are we gonna
do with him?
What do you mean, "we?"
He followed you home.
That mangy little beast
does not set foot in my house.
Well, I think you guys
ought to reconsider it.
This dog has got
the gift.
No woman can resist him.
I would take him but--
( sneezing )
I'm, uh...
I'm allergic to dogs.
Well, I would take him
but, uh--
I don't want to.
Oh, what a cute
little doggy.
Who's is he?
BOTH:
Mine.
Courtney, over here.
( phone rings )
( planes overhead )
Oh, oh, Joe,
this is Courtney Blake.
She's my study partner
in psych class.
Hi, nice to meet you, Courtney.
Same here.
Uh, we're going to study
together on our way to the exam.
Yeah, well, I'll just
get my coat.
You're a pilot, huh?
Yeah, that's right.
Must be pretty
romantic.
I mean, the glamour,
the risk,
the freedom
of the open sky...
Oh, my God. How lame.
"The freedom of the open sky."
No, no, actually
it's not lame at all.
Uh, flying your own plane
is pretty glamorous.
Joe, we're running low
on barf-bags.
Well, most of the time
it's glamorous.
Here you go, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Helen.
Helen?
Helen Chapel,
oh, my God, I can't believe it!
How are you?
I'm fine,
thank you.
Who are you?
Courtney.
Courtney Blake.
Little Courtney Blake?
( giggling ):
Hi!
Good to see you.
I used to baby-sit her.
When was it?
Um, like,
five, six years ago?
More like, 12.
I'm 19 now.
You are 19?
You know, I was 19
when I sat you.
Well, Helen, that would
make you about--
About 27.
So, what have you
been doing?
Well, I'm here
to pick up Fay.
We're in the same class.
Great. You know,
you look wonderful.
Oh, so do you.
And I love
that outfit.
My mom has one
just like it.
Thank you.
Oh, Courtney, I don't
know about this test.
I'm just so nervous
that I'm forgetting everything.
Oh, come on, Fay.
What about when you
were in stewardess school?
You had to take tests then.
Oh, no, those were easy.
I mean, the only
tricky part there
was going down
the emergency slide
without your skirt
flying over your head.
We better be going now.
Bye, Helen.
Imagine seeing you again
after all these years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bye.
Good luck on
your test there, kids.
Thanks.
Bye, Joe.
Hope I see you again.
Yeah, me too.
Heh-heh-heh.
Grow up.
Yeah, why is your mind
always in the gutter?
BOTH:
Oh!
Is she hot or what?
Oh, man...
Tight little body--
Those incredible eyes.
Long beautiful legs.
You see her butt?
( sarcastically ):
No, I missed it.
What about that smile?
Oh, and the way
her hair smelled.
I think it was Prell.
Find out.
Invite her over
for some cake and a shower.
Oh, yeah...
Wouldn't I love to.
What's stopping you?
Come on, Brian, she's 19.
I'm not gonna go out
with a 19-year-old.
What kind of relationship
are we gonna have?
The perfect kind!
Meaningless!
Hot, physical,
and absolutely
superficial, man.
That's why 19
is the perfect age.
No ticking biological clock.
None of that,
"I need a commitment."
None of that, "Didn't we
already do it this week?"
Yeah, I know, but--
No buts,
no buts. I mean,
what happened to the guy
who was gonna change his life?
The guy who was gonna
grab the gusto?
She's the gusto, Joe.
Grab her.
Wait, wait. Hold on
a minute here.
You're being way too supportive.
What's in this for you?
You're my brother, man.
I care about you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and?
And I wanna see you happy.
And?
And...
...I'm already
in a relationship
and I wanna get a cheap thrill
by living vicariously
through you, is that so wrong?
Look, Brian, I would love
to go out with Courtney
but 19?
I mean, wouldn't people talk?
Hey, Joe, you're
a good-looking guy in his 30's
without a girlfriend--
Trust me,
people are already talking.
( upbeat theme playing )
You know that I was worried
about that test.
It was so much easier
than I thought it would be.
Really?
Even the essay question?
There was an essay
question?
Yeah, on page two.
There was a page two?
Joe.
Hi.
Hi. I didn't realize
you'd still be at work.
Well, yeah, I have to take
the 6:00 flight to Boston.
Oh, great. I'm on that flight.
Yeah?
I'm going to the Pearl Jam
concert,
( hesitant ):
"Pearl Jam."
Do you like them?
Yeah. I love them.
That great...
...tune they do.
Well, I'm meeting a bunch
of my friends there
and I happen to know
there's an extra ticket.
Wanna go?
Yeah, why not,
I'd love
to go see Pearl Jam.
Joe Hackett at
a Pearl Jam concert?
( laughs )
Pearl Bailey maybe.
Hey, look who's here,
Courtney.
Hi.
Hi.
Brian, I don't have anyone
on the return flight
so I'm gonna go to the Pearl Jam
concert with Courtney.
( laughing ):
Joe Hackett
at a Pearl Jam concert.
What is so funny
about that?
Well, uh, for starters
you're wearing a tie
and little wings.
I think he looks
adorable.
Oh...
Heh-heh-heh.
You ready?
Mm-hm.
Joe, would it be okay
if I sat up front with you?
Yeah, sure.
Heh-heh-heh.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Uh, pick you up at 8?
( sneezing )
( sneezes )
It's about time.
Uh, where are you going?
The health club.
The aerobics class
is letting out.
Nothing I like better than
sweaty women in spandex
bending over
to pet my pooch.
You're not gonna
believe this.
Joe and Courtney
are rollerblading
out on the tarmac.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Oh, wow...
...will you look at her
out there wearing those
tight athletic shorts...
It's very poor
rollerblading safety.
Joe is acting completely
ridiculous.
This is crazy.
You know,
he only likes her
for her body.
Oh, Helen, you almost sound
a little threatened.
Nah.
You don't have anything
to worry about
you still look wonderful.
"Still?"
What do you mean by "still?"
Well, I didn't mean anything.
I was trying to pay you
a compliment.
What kind of compliment is that?
In only a matter of time
my body's gonna go to hell.
Now, I didn't say that.
However, what age
does to a woman's body
is something we all
just have to accept.
Fay's right.
My mom used to have a figure
just like mine
but, you know,
eventually it...
...changed.
Changed?
E-e-e-exactly when
did this change occur?
It's just nature.
When you're young
you have looks,
when you're older
you get wisdom.
Of course I'd trade
every deep thought in my head
to get the old tush back.
You know, women worry
too much
about there bodies.
I think we should just relax
and let what's gonna
happen, happen.
Mom's change,
was it gradual?
Or, "boom,"
you know, like
an inflatable raft?
Brian, do you really want to
continue this discussion?
Remember, I've seen pictures
of your grandfather.
So?
So, exactly how long
until your ears do that?
Why is it that men
don't realize that women
get more interesting
as they get older.
Ah, I couldn't
agree more, Helen.
Never catch Lowell Mather
with a younger woman.
Women just get
better with age
like fine wine,
fine cheese,
and most
luncheon meat.
I've got a delivery here
for a Helen Chapel.
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, great.
Here, just, uh--
Just sign right there,
ma'am.
"Ma'am?"
Yeah.
Do I look like
a ma'am to you?
Yeah, look
at this skin.
Does this look like
the skin of a ma'am?
( stuttering )
No, ma'am.
What?
No, sir.
Uh...
All right, what am I supposed
to call you guys?
You can call me babe,
toots...
Sweetheart,
kitten,
sweet-cakes...
cupcakes...
But not..."ma'am."
So if you know
what's good for you...
...we're gonna walk away
and you better
look at our butts
the whole time.
Are you sure you've
never done this before?
You were very good.
Well...
I had a great teacher.
( quietly ):
Oh, God!
Ugh...
Tell me when
it's over.
Okay.
Not yet.
Not yet.
( groans )
Ah, it's over.
Hi everybody.
ALL:
Hi.
So, uh,
we're on for tonight?
Absolutely.
( stuttering ):
What are you kids doing tonight?
I'm reading some poetry
at the campus coffee house.
You know, I'd love it
if you all came,
I could use all
the support I can get.
Bye.
Heh-heh-heh.
So, uh...
We're on for some
poetry, uh?
Well, you heard her.
The kid needs our support.
You are so transparent.
I know you just
wanna go and gawk
at a bunch of young
college girls.
So are we going?
Sure, I wouldn't mind
gawking at some college boys.
You look at other guys?
So, what time is
the poetry reading?
You're going?
Oh, you bet I'm going.
I wouldn't wanna miss
a chance to see you
make an ass of yourself.
What is the problem,
Helen?
Are you jealous of me
and Courtney?
I'm not jealous of you
and Courtney.
Then what do you
care who I date.
I mean, you're
in a relationship,
Brian and Alex
are in a relationship.
Why can't I
have a little fun?
Okay, you want me to tell
you why? I'll tell you.
You going out with a girl
that age is crazy.
She is a child.
I mean, what could you
possibly have in common?
I mean, for God sakes, Joe,
I bathed that girl.
I tucked her in.
What a coincidence.
( upbeat theme playing )
I feel so
out-of-place here.
What do you mean?
We're not much
older than them.
No, but we're
the only people here
that don't have something
pierced or tattooed.
Speak for yourself.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Joe, what looks different
about you?
Oh, I know what it is.
You don't have Courtney
attached to your lip.
So where is she anyway?
Oh, she's running late.
She'll be here.
So this relationship
with Courtney
is actually working.
It is not a relationship.
That is the great thing
about it.
It's not leading anywhere.
No heavy talk
about the future.
Just two people
having fun together.
You know,
it's like the lyrics
in that Smashing
Pumpkins song--
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Smashing Pumpkins?
Yeah. Haven't you
heard them?
They're really excellent.
( groans )
Don't try to
be too hip.
I just had this image
of Joey Bishop
wearing a Nehru jacket.
Hi everybody,
sorry I'm late.
Hi.
All right,
everybody,
welcome to The Cup.
I'm Trevor,
your host for
this evening's journey.
First up we have
a special treat.
A poet who's insights
on the human condition
will blow you away.
Let's open up our minds
to the poetry of Lowell.
( applause )
( clears throat )
I call this,
Terminal Life.
Ow, I banged my thumb.
Ow, I banged my thumb again.
Why, why?
It's that sticky baggage
compartment door, that's why.
I ate my lunch.
Meat loaf.
I drink from thermos.
Hot this time.
Ow, I burned my tongue.
( applause )
I didn't know Lowell was a poet.
I didn't know our baggage
compartment door was sticky.
All right,
our next poetess
is a local
college student
whose verse is
as awesome as she is.
I give you the poetry
of Courtney Blake.
Hope you like it.
( sparse applause )
This is called,
My Lover.
( chuckling ):
You dog.
Why do I breathe?
My lover knows.
For we share one heart,
one body, one soul.
And my ears fall deaf
on the words of those
who say he's too brooding
too glum, too old.
If my lover should leave,
taking his caress,
let me breathe no more.
Shove a knife...
...in my chest.
All right,
so she's no Lowell.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
( sneezing )
This has been the greatest week
of my life.
I've had so many dates this week
I've had to turn
half of them away.
If I had met this dog
20 years ago,
I'd be in a jar right now.
MAN:
Excuse me.
Uh, I lost my dog.
Would you mind
putting these pictures up
around your
lunch counter?
This is your dog?
( barks )
Oh, Max.
Oh, I missed you so much.
Hey, what are you
doing with our dog?
Your dog? It's my dog.
I lost him around here
about a week ago.
Come on, Max, let's go home.
ANTONIO:
Not so fast.
How do we know he's yours?
Look at me.
I haven't spent
a Saturday night alone
in three years.
It's his.
Look, I'm not gonna
beat around the bush.
I'll give you 5000 bucks
for the dog.
Not on your life.
I know what this dog can do.
Oh, my God.
This is the cutest,
sweetest little puppy.
Really? You think so?
Do you mind if I go outside
and play with him?
Maybe we were
giving the dog
too much credit.
Yeah,
since when do we need
a dog to meet women?
( both chuckle )
Let's try the pound.
You're on.
So,
what are you gonna do
about Courtney?
What are you talking about?
You screwed up.
You made her
fall in love with you.
Well, I can't help that.
It's not my fault.
See, that's what happens when
you date a 19-year-old.
If you don't feel
the same way about her
you have to break it off.
Now.
Oh, this isn't fair.
Helen, are you really sure
this is serious?
"Shove a knife
in my chest."
Well, it's a poetic metaphor.
It could mean anything.
Yeah, as in:
"Life is so wonderful,
I could just shove a knife
in my chest."
Damn.
We were having
such a great time.
I'm just not ready
to settle down.
Why couldn't I have met her
five years from now?
Ah, it wouldn't work Joey
because in five years
she'll be 24 and she'll
be focusing on her career.
True.
But then in another
six years,
she'd be 30, she'd be
thinking about kids,
so she'll be ready
to settle down.
You'll be 44, having
a mid-life crisis.
You'll want another 19-year-old.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Ah, this is hopeless.
Why can't I just
have an empty,
meaningless
relationship
like other people?
You will, Joe,
you just haven't found
the right woman yet.
( upbeat theme playing )
Hi.
Hi.
What are you reading?
Sylvia Plath.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't she that poet
who committed suic--
Courtney,
we really need to talk.
Okay,
here it goes.
I think you're
a very special person.
So are you, Joe.
Yeah, you're beautiful
and witty
and I was incredibly
flattered by your poem--
Oh, my God,
I don't believe this.
Now, just let me finish.
Look, I know
that right now,
I seem like this
incredibly exciting
older guy--
Joe?
No, no, no,
please just hear me out.
You know, I mean, I'm a pilot
and that is so romantic
and glamorous--
You thought that poem
was about you?
Well, sure--
Wasn't it?
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I should've seen this.
No, Joe,
I wrote that poem
about Michael.
Michael?
Well, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, all right.
All right, uh, what, no--
That makes sense that
you'd be seeing someone
closer to your own age.
So, what is this guy,
like, a senior?
Actually, Michael's
my English professor.
He's...
...45.
Forty-fiv--?
Isn't that a little old for you?
No, not at all.
What could you possibly
see in this guy?
Oh, Michael's deep
and cultured.
Brilliant.
Well, I thought
we had something here.
Well, we did but that's
what was so great about it.
It was just something
light and frivolous.
Light and frivolous?
W-w-what was I to you?
Just some cute little side-dish?
Please don't do this
to yourself.
No, no, don't.
I feel so used.
Look, I know right now
it seems like
your whole world's
falling apart,
but trust me,
you will meet other girls.
And in time,
you'll forget all about me.
I will never forget this
as long as I live.
Never.
( upbeat theme playing )
I call this one,
Dumped.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )