Wings (1990–1997): Season 5, Episode 15 - Say Uncle, Carlton - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Woo! Wasn't that fun?

Oh, I cannot believe
we have to park our cars

halfway across town.

My house is closer
than that damn parking lot.

It's your fault. You're the one
that kept complaining

about the potholes
in the employee parking lot.

Oh, yeah, Roy,
now they're resurfacing it.

We all have to squeeze into
this teeny little shuttle bus

for a week, and--
And I think Creepy Harold

from the fuel dock
goosed me.



He goosed me too.

No, he didn't.

Greetings,
motorized vehicle users.

Oh, Lowell, you know, I think
next time you go shopping

you might want
to take someone with you.

No, Fay,
this is a bicycling suit.

I mean, since we can't
park here anymore,

I've been biking
to work.

And this suit
makes me aerodynamic.

Yeah, it was either that
or shave my entire body

and ride naked.

Good choice.
That woulda looked stupid.

So, what are
those little glasses?

Oh, well, these are actually
little rear-view mirrors



so I can see
what's behind me.

For instance, man in
a plaid jacket just walked in.

And I can see that you are
making a fresh pot of coffee.

Ha! See, I got 'em
for safety. See ya.

( upbeat theme playing )

Good morning, Helen,
Fay, Lowell.

You're looking
very Smurf-like.

Thank you.

Guess what.

I just drove to the airport

in my brand-new used cab.

That's good.
Oh, ain't that exciting?

Ahhh.

I just
couldn't wait to--

To get here
and tell all my friends.

I wish I had some.

Well, I'm sorry,
Antonio.

We're just having
a bad morning.

I thought you couldn't
afford a new cab.

Well, I can't. But I found a way
to make some extra money.

A local employment agency

has arranged for me to be
a-- A part-time chauffeur

for some big shot
on the island.

Ah, take a little tip
from me, Antonio.

Don't wear
one of those chauffeur hats.

People would stare.

Hey, you guys are not gonna
believe what's outside.

It's, uh...
Lowell, um...

Now, I think you're taking
this whole safe sex thing

just a little
too seriously.

Hey, enough with Lowell.
What's out there?

Oh, oh, oh, man.
Oh, it's awful.

What?

What is it, Joe?
Killer bees?

Locusts?

Ed
from the cheese store?

Worse.

It's Carlton Blanchard.
( groaning )

Gah!

Oh, no.
Not the old man.

Oh, well,
who's Carlton Blanchard?

Somebody else tell her.
I'm outta here.

Oh, he's this horrible
old geezer

who constantly
manipulates people.

He conned me and Joe into flying
him halfway across the country.

He conned me into nursing him
for a week, the little ferret.

Ugh, that's not the worst part.

It's those stupid questions
he asks

in that awful grating voice.

I'm back.

Oh, God.
It's alive.

Oh.

You're all a sight
for sore eyes.

Which reminds me,

you know
those crusty little things

that get in your eyes
in the morning?

Where do they come from?

Wait right here.
I'll go find out.

Oh, I've never seen you
around here before.

I'm Alex. I moved up
last year from Florida.

Florida.

If you were
to carpet Florida,

how long would it take
to vacuum it?

Why would anyone
wanna carpet Florida?

What kind of a stupid question
is that?

Wait right here.
I'll go find out.

How've you been, Angelo?

I said, how've you been,
Angelo?!

For the hundredth time,

my name is Antonio.

A-N-T-O-N-I-O.

Oh.

That brings up
a question.

What doesn't?

If I were to eat
alphabet soup,

could they see
the little letters

in an x-ray?

If you were
to eat alphabet soup,

they would see the little
letters

by holding you up
to a strong light.

( laughs )

That's a good one.

I don't get it.

Well, as much fun
as this is,

I'm expecting someone
for an important job interview.

So excuse me.

What sort of job?

Chauffeur.

Hot diggity,

I'm the one
you're gonna work for.

Please, God, no.

This Friday,
I'm being honored

as Nantucket's
Retired Businessman of the Year.

So I'm gonna need a driver
to help me get ready.

Why can't you just
drive yourself?

Ah, they took my car away.

You drive through
one living room,

suddenly,
you're an insurance risk.

Look,
I need the job,

but, uh, not that badly,
so forget it.

Aw, it would only be
for a week.

Hey, it could be like
that movie.

You know, with the old lady
and the black fellow?

What was that called?

Driving Miss Daisy.

No, no, no.

He drove her around town
in a big car.

Driving Miss Daisy.

No.

No, it was one of those
artsy pictures.

Driving...Miss Daisy.

I think
it was set in the South.

( angrily ):
Driving Miss Daisy.

That's it.
( groans )

I'll pay you $25 an hour.

No. No way. No.

Nope.
Antonio.

No.
I hate to tell you this,

but didn't sound like
you have a choice.

Would you do it?
What are you, nuts? No.

I mean, where else are you gonna
get that kind of money?

All right.

All right.

On one condition:

that you never, ever

talk to me.

My lips are sealed.

Okay, let's go.

Here's a question:

If they were to actually
seal someone's lips,

would he have to belch
through his nose?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Uh, do you guys know what time
that shuttle bus is coming?

I thought you were
riding a bike these days.

Yeah, well, I had to stop.
I developed a rash.

Oh. Because of that tight blue
bicycle suit?

No.

ROY:
Hey, Scarpacci,
have you seen

that damn shuttle bus
out there yet?

No, and if I did, I would
throw myself in front of it.

This-- This has been
the worst week of my life.

I've had to take the old man
to have his hair cut,

his nails manicured,

his pasty little body massaged.

The only good part
was getting his teeth cleaned.

What was good about that?

He didn't have to be there.

Thank God.
All I have left

is to pick up his nephew who's
flying in for his testimonial.

And then Hell Week is over.

So where's Carlton anyway?

Oh, he's outside
asking the traffic cop...

( as Carlton ):
"Why do they call 'em
'handcuffs'

if you wear 'em
on your wrists?"

Is my nephew here yet?

No, not yet,
but he should be here soon.

You know, he's the heir
to my lumber yard fortune.

When I go,
he gets it all.

Except my body.
That goes to science.

Until then,
it's up for grabs.

One more crack
like that,

and science
won't have to wait.

Uncle Carlton!
Ahhh!

Lewis.

You scared me
half to death.

What was I thinking?

Say,
have you been working out?

Yes, I'm buff.

I think
we should be going.

Hey,
you must be Angelo.

I'm Lewis. I'm like
the son he never had.

At least that's what
it says in his will.

It still says that,
right?

Oh, yeah.

Great!

Oh, Jesus, Mary
and Joseph.

You see them?

Can we get going?

Hold on a second, Angelo.
I wanna get some water.

I have a Dramamine
stuck down the wrong pipe.

He's a fine boy.

It's too bad he's got
that annoying voice.

You know what I mean.

I have a vague idea.

He just keeps going and going.

He's like that thing on TV
with the drums and the ears.

The Energizer bunny.

No,
the commercial.

The Energizer bunny.

( laughs ):
No.

It's with the drum.

The Energizer bunny.
With the ears.

ALL:
The Energizer bunny!

That's it.
( all groan )

The shuttle come yet?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

We just wanted to spend a little
more quality time with Carlton.

Here you go.

Thanks. Hi.
I'm Lewis.

Top stereo salesman
at Shwarma Electronics,

in the heart
of midtown Manhattan.

Charmed. I'm Helen.

Alex.

Brian.

So Helen, Alex.

What winks and makes love
like a tiger?

I've been to boot camp.
I can hurt you.

I'm a salesman.
No, you can't.

Say, you look like
a local yokel.

Eh, that one over there.
You think I got a shot with her?

She's my girlfriend.

Oh, good,
then you would know.

You think I got
a shot with her?

JOE:
Hey, listen,

I just got off the phone
with the-- Oh, no.

Hey, Joe-Joe.

Do you know--?
No, I don't know.

No, I was just won--
I don't know.

I was just asking--
I don't know. No more questions.

I was just asking
if you know

that your fly is down.

( laughs )

Made you look.

Anyway, uh,

seems the shuttle bus
went off the road

and, uh, got stuck
in a snowbank.

ROY:
I don't believe this.

How are we gonna
get to our cars?

Well, I-- I-I can take
some of you in my cab.

Hey, wait a minute,
Angelo.

If you take your friends
for a ride, I'm gonna be late

for my banquet.

All right, all right.

I'll-- I will
drop you and Lewis off,

and then I will take them
to the parking lot.

Who want
to come with me?

Well, I'm going with you.
Well, I'm not.

I'm sick of waiting around.
I'll go.

Uh, count me in.
I'll go.

I'll wait here
and ride with the ladies.

( door opens )

I have room for one more.

You know, when I look at the
both of you beautiful ladies,

two words
come to mind:

Lewis

sandwich.

I think I'm gonna ride
with Antonio.

N-n-n-n-n-no. I'll go.
N-n-n-no, really, I'll go.

No, no, I-I'll go.
You stay here, I'll go.

Look, Mel Gibson.

You know, I have a camcorder
that shoots in the dark.

Yeah, I got a gun
that does the same thing.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ANTONIO:
Okay, here's the banquet hall.
Out you go.

( car door opens )
You're too close to the wall,

I can't open the door.

ANTONIO:
Ugh, all right.

I'll help you out
on this side.

Ugh! Great.

Now I don't have room
to open this door either.

Hey, get back here.
Move your van.

Hey, hey, hey,
Scarpacci.

Back the car up
and let's drop the twig off

and get the hell
outta here.

( engine faltering )

The battery seems to be dead.

Try it again,
Antonio.

( engine faltering )

Ugh, I don't believe this.
Well, open up a window.

W-we'll climb out and push
our way forward.

The windows are electric.
They aren't working.

Well, why won't
the windows open?

Get the hair out of your ears.
The battery is dead.

Oh, I can't believe this.

We are stuck in the middle
of a parking lot.

Ah, take it easy,
big fella.

All we gotta do
is spark up an acetylene torch,

cut a hole in the roof
right about there.

Do you have
an acetylene torch?

Almost a perfect plan.

Well, let's make the best of it.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer
On the wall

Come on, everybody.

Ninety-nine
Bottles of beer

Ninety-nine bottles of beer
On the wall

Ninety-nine bottles
Of beer...

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Come on.
Just one date.

I'll make it
worth your while.

What do you want,
a TV?

You are offering me a television
to go out with you?

Play your cards right
and I'll throw in a VCR.

Joe,
what do I do here?

Hold out for a big-screen.

BRIAN:
I'm-- I'm-- I'm-- I'm--
I'm getting really worried now.

Something must have happened
to Antonio.

Alex should have been home
a long time ago.

And I just got off the phone
with the banquet hall,

and they haven't seen
Carlton either.

So, what do you think happened
to the cab?

I mean,
I'm getting worried here.

Relax. I'm sure they're fine.

That's right, let's not
jump to conclusions.

I'm sure they're plenty
of good reasons

why Alex
is two hours late

and Carlton is missing the most
important night of his life.

Fine, name one.

Ummm...

they stopped off
for a pizza?

Name another.

Ummm...they skidded on the ice
and fell off a cliff.

Don't tease me,
lady.

Of course,
that would be a tragedy.

( scoffs )

Lewis, why don't you just
chuck him in a hole

and throw some dirt
on him?

Look, I kid and I joke.

But deep down inside,
I love him like a father.

Who, when he croaked,
only left me with a '78 LeSabre.

Uh, I-I think we should
go and look for 'em.

Hey, Brian, you're forgetting
our cars aren't here.

They're in the lot.

Well, we'll just use
the snowplow on the runway.

Oh! I'll go.
Good idea.

Now, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

I hate
to break this to you,

but one of you has to stay here
in case Antonio calls.

Look, Fay,
there's Hugh Downs.

You know what?

You oughta go too.

Helen's just playing
hard to get.

She told me
she really likes you.

Thanks.

That'll teach her.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

CARLTON:
If that bottle
Should happen to fall

There'd be no more
Bottles of beer

On the walllll

One more time.

Ninety-nine--
Shut up!

You know, it does bring up
an interesting question though.

If the bottles keep
falling off of the wall,

why don't they just
put 'em someplace else?

God,
it's contagious.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, just keep
your eyes open.

They gotta be out here
somewhere.

Maybe they skidded off the road
into a ditch.

Or into the ocean.

God forbid.

You know, Helen,

give me one reason
why you won't go out with me.

I'll give you two.

Uh, you're extremely
unattractive,

and when you talk,
spit flies out of your mouth.

Well, I see I'm not
getting anywhere with you.

But, Joe,
I couldn't help but notice

you happen to be
a very handsome man.

Huh?

Easy, Joe.

Might be a stereo in it
for you.

All I'm saying is, a couple
of good-looking guys like us

could hit the bars and do
very well with the ladies.

Lewis, I would not
be caught dead in public

with a worm like you,
no offense.

None taken.

Hey, there's Benson's Curve,
everyone hold tight.

Woo! Opportunity Corner.

ANTONIO:
Did you find the problem?

Yep.

Right here.

Okay. Now, then.

All I have to do
is connect...

these two wires,
and the windows should open.

Forget the windows,
fix the heater. We're freezing.

Well, maybe we should
huddle together for warmth.

Maybe we should build a fire
and use you for kindling.

Ooh, I hope we
get out of here alive.

I've always wanted
to live long enough

to hear that guy
on The Today Show

wish me a happy birthday.

What's his name?

No, no, no, no.
Nobody say a word.

I'm not getting
sucked into this again.

You know, the weatherman.

I think it starts
with a W.

The one
with the toupee.

Oh, God, forgive me.

Willard Scott.

No. No.

It's the big guy.
( groaning )

( chuckles )

( car starts )

( horn honks )
Finally.

Where's the handle
on this thing?

HELEN:
Hey, you guys okay?

ROY:
Finally.

Hey, where the hell
have you guys been?

We've been looking all over
for you.
You all right? Good.

LEWIS:
Uncle Carlton.

Uncle Carlton!
Are you all right?!

Uncle Carlton,
are you all right?

Oh, my God.

Uncle Carlton.

( yells )
( screams )

Gotcha.

( chuckles )

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Bye,
everybody.

Oh, and bye, Helen.
I'll call you.

Look, you didn't have to make
a special flight just for me.

Oh, believe me, it's our
pleasure.

Just remember to count three
and pull the ripcord.

LOUIS:
Huh?

I wanna
thank you

for driving me around
all week.

Yeah, yeah. You're welcome.
No, no, no. No, no.

What--? What are you doing?
Why aren't you leaving?

Well, I was just thinking,

this could be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

( sighs )

"The beginning
of a beautiful friendship."

I-i-isn't that th-the last line
of a famous movie, uh...

What was the name of it?
Does anybody know?

Casablanca.

No, that wasn't it,
was it, Roy?

Uh, no.
No, no, no. It's, uh--

It was the one with Bogie.
Casablanca.

No.
No.

Fay, a little help here.
Oh, uh, yeah.

Uh... Yeah, it was the one
with Ingrid Bergman in it.

Casablanca.

FAY: No.
ALEX: No, I know this one.

Uh, I think it took place
during World War II.

Casablanca.
No.

I-I think it was the one
that has the song

"As Time Goes By."

Casablanca.

Casablanca.
Casablanca.

I'm getting outta here.

You people
are driving me crazy.

( all laugh )

What the hell
was the name of that movie?

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat piano theme playing )