Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 7 - It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
That's it.
Nobody stands up Helen Chapel.
Can't believe this. Huh.
Yeah, you bet I'll leave
a message at the beep.
Hey, Michael. Guess what.
I never wanted to go out
with you anyway.
You know,
I got better things to do
than to spend
another boring evening with you
hearin' about
your therapy breakthrough.
You know, I'm so glad that you
found the child within you,
because at least now
you have somebody to laugh
at your stupid jokes.
So as far as
I'm concerned--
Helen!
Michael.
Helen, I'm so sorry I'm late
but my car broke down
on Hyannis.
And I barely caught
the last flight out.
And I just didn't want
to miss our date.
Oh, God, Michael.
Terrorists have invaded
the airport,
and they made me say that.
Oh, God,
here they come again.
Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh, Michael,
what a day I've had.
Have I got a story
to tell you. Heh.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Good morning.
Morning.
Ah, Helen, coffee, please.
Comin' right up.
Ooh, nice gloves.
Ah, thank you.
They are made
out of genuine calfskin.
My uncle makes them in Italy
for only ten dollars a pair.
My goodness, I've seen gloves
like those in Macy's
for a hundred dollars.
If you like, I can order some
for all of you.
But, uh, they are custom-made
so I need to trace your hands
on a piece of paper
and fax them to him.
Great. Thanks. I'm in. Huh?
Okay, Helen. One pair.
Oh, I'll take one.
Fay, one pair.
Uh, no, just one glove.
Uh, I lost one just like that
a few years ago.
The left one.
Or was it the right one?
Um, well,
I'll tell you what.
Uh, I'll take one of each.
Fay, one pair.
I want a pair for my mom.
I'll go trace my hand
right now.
Oh, but it won't fit her.
Exactly.
Then she'll give 'em to me.
Ah, hello.
Alex Lambert,
helicopter pilot from heaven.
Oh...wow.
JOE:
I would sell my soul
to the devil for her.
I'd drag myself naked
across broken glass
just to kiss
one of her footprints.
Yeah, well, I would walk
across hot coals
to get to that
ground glass.
Yeah, well,
I would doggypaddle
across a pool
of hungry piranhas--
Oh, stop it.
You two are terrible.
I'd take you both
over my knee
except I'm afraid
you'd like it.
Excuse me, Joe, I'm goin'
over there to ask her out.
Oh, yeah, right.
You haven't got a chance.
Yes, I do.
I'm wearing my lucky shorts.
Yeah, got 'em.
Mornin'.
Uh, mind if I join you?
It's a free country,
Slick.
Slick. Boy, I--
I really love when you call me
that nickname.
It's like we have
our own little shorthand.
It's because I can't remember
your name.
Listen, um, I'm, uh,
puttin' together a little party
this Saturday on my boat.
A bunch of people and myself
are gonna get together
and watch
the Parade of Tall Ships.
Would you like to come along?
Oh, what the hell. Sure.
Well, I, you know--
I picked-- Excuse me?
I know how this little dance
would play out.
You'd keep asking,
and I'd keep refusing.
And I'd finally get sick of it
and give in,
so let's just skip
the parry-and-thrust stuff
and go out.
Well, that's--
That's great. That's great.
But I see no reason to rush past
that parry-and-thrust stuff.
See ya Saturday, Slick.
Okay.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
She is goin' out
with me. Yes.
Alex, me.
Got to admit,
I'm a little disappointed.
I thought Alex
had better taste in men
than to go out with you.
Well,
obviously she doesn't.
Lowell.
Listen, um,
how much would it cost
to rent a--
A decent boat for one day?
You know, nothing elaborate,
just something
that would impress
a very special lady.
One day?
Yeah.
Ah, three,
four hundred dollars.
Yipes.
Okay, well, on a totally
different subject,
could I borrow your boat
on Saturday?
Sure.
Really?
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
Man, I owe you one.
Mwah. Baby.
You've probably heard this
before, Brian, but, uh,
you have very soft lips.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mornin', Joe.
How are you?
Okay.
Ah, who am I kidding?
I'm not okay.
You know, I--
I had a chance to ask Alex out
the other day,
and I didn't.
Brian did, got a date,
and to make matters even worse,
he didn't even sleep at home
last night.
You know,
this is so typical.
That guy always lucks out.
I-it never fails.
It's been like that
ever since we were kids.
I remember once
I bet him 10 bucks--
Joe.
Huh?
That "how are you?"
is a rhetorical question.
What's the matter
with you?
You know, all you ever do
is talk about Alex.
I mean,
I like her and everything,
she's really nice,
but no woman wants
to hear a guy go on and on
about some other woman.
So in the future,
I would appreciate
if you would consider
how I feel.
Helen, I am sorry.
You're absolutely right.
So do you think
he slept with her?
Joe, you're not gonna believe
what happened to me.
No, no, look. I don't wanna
hear what happened.
I-I don't wanna hear
about your conquest of Alex.
No, no, no, no, no,
I didn't sleep with Alex.
I sank Lowell's boat.
Oh...
Thank God.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
No, Joe,
you don't understand.
I sank Lowell's boat.
You what?
How? How did that happen?
Oh, I-- I just--
I briefly, briefly,
I left the wheel,
ran right into a 60-foot
cabin cruiser.
You cou--
You couldn't see
a 60-foot
cabin cruiser coming?
Excuse me,
but I'm supposed to be able
to pour champagne,
serve hors d'oeuvres
and keep my eyes peeled
for every little bump
that's on the horizon?
Wait, wait.
What smells like gasoline?
Oh,
that'd be me, Joe.
I spent the night
in the fuel shed.
Stop!
You ever consider you might be
standing next to someone
who slept in a pool
of gasoline?
Some people.
Lowell...
listen, uh, I have somethin'
that I have to say to you.
I sank your boat.
It's...
It's at the bottom
of the harbor.
My house?
My boat?
My houseboat?
( sobs ):
My boat.
Oh, my boat. My boat.
Lowell...
Everything I own
was on that boat.
My clothes, my tools,
my grandfather's photographs.
Oh, no, no, no.
What--? What were they?
Family pictures?
Uh, yeah, right,
that's what they were.
Family pictures.
( sobs ):
My boat. What am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna go?
Joe, Joe, help me out here.
Just say something.
Say something to console him,
will ya?
It went down quick.
Listen to me.
It's all my fault.
You know what?
Why don't you come live
with me and Joe?
Yeah, yeah,
that's a great idea, Brian.
Why don't you come
and live with us?
He's not gonna be any trouble.
I'll take care of him.
You say that now.
But I'm the one who ends up
havin' to feed him
and clean up after him.
( sobbing )
Joe, Joe,
look at him.
All right, okay,
but only until
we can find him
a good home.
Did you hear that?
What do you--?
What do you say?
What do you say, Lowelly?
Well, I-I don't know.
Would I have my own room?
Well, yeah, sure.
You can sleep
in the small bedroom downstairs.
The small one?
He sank my boat!
Shh, shh.
We'll work something,
don't worry.
My-- My room
has to face the ocean.
Uh, I can't go to sleep
unless I can hear the waves.
Well, uh, the only bedroom
that faces the ocean
is my bedroom.
He sank my boat.
Oh, I sank his boat, Joe.
Come on.
All right, fine. Yeah,
he can sleep in my bedroom.
I'll sleep downstairs.
Okay?
Well...
Okay.
Okay, okay.
And listen--
Listen, Lowell, if--
If there's--
If there's anything
you need, okay?
Anything at all...
you just ask Brian, okay?
Well, first thing,
I'm gonna need some clothes.
Sure, sure.
Well, Joe's about your size.
Joe, you'll take care
of him, right?
I--
I really like this jacket.
( chuckles ):
My leather jacket?
Come on, Lowell.
He sank my boat!
( upbeat piano theme playing )
JOE:
Five seconds left, boom,
McHale lands
this three-pointer and...
( humming )
Ah, good morning,
sleepyheads.
You know, I hope no one takes
exception to fresh-cut flowers.
I just can't resist them myself.
Oh, listen,
uh, Joe,
when you need your shirt,
it's hanging in your closet.
I pressed it last night
for you.
Here ya go.
Here you go.
Brian, I took the liberty
of logging and labeling
all of your videotapes.
And listen, when the two of you
go to take a shower,
be very careful
in the bathroom
because I just waxed
the floor.
Lowell?
What--? Wh-what do I smell
that is so heavenly?
Oh, I'm just heating up
some of Mother Mather's
family fry bread.
Its preparation is a secret,
but since we're roomies now,
I can share it
with the two of you.
It's thick-cut bread
dipped in egg batter.
You sprinkle a little cinnamon
and then you just throw it
in the skillet and fry it.
Well, that's--
That's French toast.
Sure.
Now.
Lowell,
you know,
you didn't have to go through
all this trouble.
( chuckles )
Where on earth
did you learn your way
around a kitchen?
Ah, from my mother.
The woman was a saint.
I mean, sure, she--
She wasn't book smart,
and she did have that fling
with communism back in the '50s
but when it came to teaching
the whys and wherefores
of good housekeeping,
well, she--
She just had no peer.
Heh. Hold on.
Hold on, Brian.
Don't drink that.
I can see from here
the orange juice
is way too pulpy.
Listen, I'm just gonna run it
through a cheesecloth,
have it back to you
in a jiffy.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
My friends, good news.
Your gloves have arrived
from Italy.
Oh.
Great,
they're already here.
Here you go.
Oh, they're soft.
They're nice.
And really, really big.
What is this,
some kind of joke?
Uh, I don't understand. I--
I-I did everything right.
I traced your hands.
I put the drawings
in the fax machine,
pushed the blue button.
Oh, brilliant. You were supposed
to push the green button.
You enlarged 'em,
pasta head.
Your uncle must think
we're a race of giants.
Yes. Says here,
"Your large friends
are very famous in our village."
( laughs )
He also wants you to know
that he makes shoes.
Oh, great.
You know,
I'm not payin' for these.
Of course not.
It's my fault.
I'll take them.
I can, uh--
I can donate them
to some charity.
Maybe needy children
with bad swelling.
Man, I can't wait to see
what Lowell made us
for lunch today.
He's gonna have to go a long way
to beat yesterday's
Veal Prince Orloff.
Ooh.
What is that?
Ooh, that smells great.
Yeah, it appears to be
marinated roast beef
on rosemary toast.
With arugula
and olive tapénade.
Order's up, Roy.
Tuna melt.
Goody.
The Cadillac
of melted food.
Boy, I gotta tell ya.
I'm almost glad
I sank Lowell's boat.
These have been the happiest
three days of my life.
Me too. I'm telling ya.
Maybe Lowell would come
and stay with me for a while.
I-I could sure use a little help
around the house.
You stay away from him,
you understand?
He's ours.
Okay, okay.
It was just a thought.
The nerve
on that woman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's--
It's Lowell's check
from the insurance company.
What,
are you kidding me?
What kind of insurance company
comes through that quick?
Now we're gonna lose him.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean,
what if his insurance company
behaved like a real one
and took forever
to send him the money, huh?
What're you saying,
we hide his check?
We can't do that.
It'd be dishonest.
That's--
That's terrible.
Joe, Joe,
look at the bottom
of your bag.
Tiny mints
and a moist towelette.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mm, what do I smell
this morning?
Belgian waffles.
Brian, look what I found
in your room this morning.
Didn't anyone ever teach you
where dirty dishes go?
Well, Lowell, uh,
I like to eat a sandwich in bed
while I watch TV.
Sometimes I raise
the degree of difficulty
and bring in a woman.
( Joe and Brian chuckle )
There's a place
in the house for eating,
and there's one
for watching television.
Lowell, I'm aware of the layout,
but that's the way
I like to do it,
so lighten up, okay?
Hey, if he wants you to eat
in the kitchen,
it's a small price to pay
for all this--
Oh, yeah, but--
Look at all this.
Uh, Lowell,
listen, I'm sorry.
You're right.
Uh, from now on,
I will never bring food
out of the kitchen.
Okey-dokey.
Would anyone care
for fresh blueberries
on their waffle?
Mm, yeah.
You have fresh blueberries?
Yes.
I got up early
this morning,
and while I was waiting
for the first coat of paint
to dry on the garage door,
I said to myself,
"idle hands
are the devil's workshop."
So I picked some berries.
I raised my voice
to him.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mmm,
what do I smell this morning?
Oh, man,
eggs Benedict.
Whoo.
Morning.
Morning.
Joe. Ho-ho-ho.
What are you doing?
You're putting ketchup
on eggs Benedict?
I have prepared
a creamy hollandaise for that.
I just like ketchup
on my eggs.
Maybe it's about time
you learned another way, mister.
Look, Lowell,
I-- I'm eating all mine.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mmm, what do I smell
this morning?
Crepes a l'orange.
But you get cold cereal,
little mister.
When we stay out late,
we call ahead
so that someone is not at home
preparing a dinner
that goes uneaten.
( grunts )
Ow.
Is this your personal
milk carton, Joe Hackett?
I don't think so.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
So we're agreed.
Lowell's gone.
Yeah.
Tonight we eat
like the good old days.
Out of the pan
standing up over the sink.
We just tell him the check came
in this morning's mail.
We got
a little problem here.
Check is gone.
What?
Yeah,
look for yourself.
Hold on. Hold on.
J-just think.
Where did you see it last?
It's in the car. That's why
I'm rummaging in the desk.
Come on. Help me out
just a little bit.
Hey, guys,
I was just wondering--
Um, what's going on in here?
We lost something
that's of vital importance.
If we don't find it,
we're in real trouble.
Oh, what is it?
Alex's phone number?
Heck no. It's a check.
And if we don't find it,
we're dead, okay?
Wait a second, Joe...
where is Alex's phone number?
Their brains
are in their boxers.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Listen, listen,
Lowell's check is gone. Okay?
It's lost,
and we've gotta tell him.
Joe, Brian,
right on time, I see.
Lowell,
how ya doin'?
Hey.
I've prepared
a beef Wellington
that would put a smile
on the face
of Duke Wellington himself.
Lowell...
before we eat, uh,
we have something we need
to talk to you about.
Do you mind if we discuss
it during dinner?
Because I'd like
to say grace now.
Bow your heads.
Dear Lord, thank you
for the bounty before us.
On a personal note,
I'd like to thank you
for my two good friends,
Joe and Brian Hackett.
Joe being the one
with his elbows on the table.
As you know,
I'm expecting
my insurance check any day,
you willing,
and with it I'll finally be able
to start my life over again.
But I'd like to thank you
for Joe and Brian,
the generosity
of their selfless act.
Bless them, dear Lord,
for making me
a part of their family.
You guys have anything to add,
uh, before I sign off?
No, that's a good job, Lowell.
That's a good job,
Lowell.
Amen.
Okay. So you guys tell me
what you think about this.
Uh, it appears to be
some sort of...
letter.
It's my insurance check.
I found it this morning
when Joe sent me to get the keys
to the airplane.
Wasn't it enough that you
sank my boat, Brian?
Were the two of you
going to steal my money as well?
There was a reason
we were holding it.
Don't try to cover up.
I figured out
what your plan was.
You did?
Yes.
You were going to wait for me
to sign my weekly timecard,
forge my signature
on that check,
and then take my money
and run off to the Caribbean,
where then you would buy up
beachfront property
in the tax-free Cayman Islands,
all the while living like kings
as you smuggled guns
and cigarettes
to revolutionaries
in South America,
just waiting
for Castro to fall
so you could return
gambling to Cuba,
exploiting,
like the cutthroats before you,
a once proud people.
Actually, Lowell,
we did it because we wanted you
to stay with us a little longer.
Ha, ha, you expect me
to believe a story like that?
Well, it's true, Lowell.
It's true.
You're treating us so well
we didn't wanna lose you.
'Course, now that you
got your check,
I'm sure
you're gonna wanna...
I had no idea
that you guys felt that way.
I mean, with everything
that's happened to me recently,
the divorce, my boat sinking,
you have no idea how good
it feels to be needed again.
I can't even imagine
what my life would be like
without you guys.
Aren't you even
a little curious?
No way.
If you guys want me
to stay around,
then I'm gonna stay around
for good.
Or longer.
If you'll excuse me
for a minute...
So, what do you think?
Well, lose the spoon,
he's a pretty good roommate.
Uh, Lowell...
Listen,
since you're gonna stay,
uh, I just have
one request.
Could you just lighten up
a little bit?
I mean, the rules,
the regulations,
the hitting...
Yeah, I...
I guess
it's a lot to expect
for you guys
to fall in line overnight.
I'll give a little if you will.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
All right, great. Sorry.
Oh, listen,
I-I still owe you dinner.
And how about I whip up
a quick Shrimp Louie
with homemade Russian dressing?
A Louie? I love a Louie.
All right.
Well, you just leave
it all to me,
and, uh, you guys go and relax
wash your hands,
and I'll take care
of everything.
Okay.
Okay.
And I'll be checking
under those nails.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( mellow piano theme playing )
That's it.
Nobody stands up Helen Chapel.
Can't believe this. Huh.
Yeah, you bet I'll leave
a message at the beep.
Hey, Michael. Guess what.
I never wanted to go out
with you anyway.
You know,
I got better things to do
than to spend
another boring evening with you
hearin' about
your therapy breakthrough.
You know, I'm so glad that you
found the child within you,
because at least now
you have somebody to laugh
at your stupid jokes.
So as far as
I'm concerned--
Helen!
Michael.
Helen, I'm so sorry I'm late
but my car broke down
on Hyannis.
And I barely caught
the last flight out.
And I just didn't want
to miss our date.
Oh, God, Michael.
Terrorists have invaded
the airport,
and they made me say that.
Oh, God,
here they come again.
Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh, Michael,
what a day I've had.
Have I got a story
to tell you. Heh.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Good morning.
Morning.
Ah, Helen, coffee, please.
Comin' right up.
Ooh, nice gloves.
Ah, thank you.
They are made
out of genuine calfskin.
My uncle makes them in Italy
for only ten dollars a pair.
My goodness, I've seen gloves
like those in Macy's
for a hundred dollars.
If you like, I can order some
for all of you.
But, uh, they are custom-made
so I need to trace your hands
on a piece of paper
and fax them to him.
Great. Thanks. I'm in. Huh?
Okay, Helen. One pair.
Oh, I'll take one.
Fay, one pair.
Uh, no, just one glove.
Uh, I lost one just like that
a few years ago.
The left one.
Or was it the right one?
Um, well,
I'll tell you what.
Uh, I'll take one of each.
Fay, one pair.
I want a pair for my mom.
I'll go trace my hand
right now.
Oh, but it won't fit her.
Exactly.
Then she'll give 'em to me.
Ah, hello.
Alex Lambert,
helicopter pilot from heaven.
Oh...wow.
JOE:
I would sell my soul
to the devil for her.
I'd drag myself naked
across broken glass
just to kiss
one of her footprints.
Yeah, well, I would walk
across hot coals
to get to that
ground glass.
Yeah, well,
I would doggypaddle
across a pool
of hungry piranhas--
Oh, stop it.
You two are terrible.
I'd take you both
over my knee
except I'm afraid
you'd like it.
Excuse me, Joe, I'm goin'
over there to ask her out.
Oh, yeah, right.
You haven't got a chance.
Yes, I do.
I'm wearing my lucky shorts.
Yeah, got 'em.
Mornin'.
Uh, mind if I join you?
It's a free country,
Slick.
Slick. Boy, I--
I really love when you call me
that nickname.
It's like we have
our own little shorthand.
It's because I can't remember
your name.
Listen, um, I'm, uh,
puttin' together a little party
this Saturday on my boat.
A bunch of people and myself
are gonna get together
and watch
the Parade of Tall Ships.
Would you like to come along?
Oh, what the hell. Sure.
Well, I, you know--
I picked-- Excuse me?
I know how this little dance
would play out.
You'd keep asking,
and I'd keep refusing.
And I'd finally get sick of it
and give in,
so let's just skip
the parry-and-thrust stuff
and go out.
Well, that's--
That's great. That's great.
But I see no reason to rush past
that parry-and-thrust stuff.
See ya Saturday, Slick.
Okay.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
She is goin' out
with me. Yes.
Alex, me.
Got to admit,
I'm a little disappointed.
I thought Alex
had better taste in men
than to go out with you.
Well,
obviously she doesn't.
Lowell.
Listen, um,
how much would it cost
to rent a--
A decent boat for one day?
You know, nothing elaborate,
just something
that would impress
a very special lady.
One day?
Yeah.
Ah, three,
four hundred dollars.
Yipes.
Okay, well, on a totally
different subject,
could I borrow your boat
on Saturday?
Sure.
Really?
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
Man, I owe you one.
Mwah. Baby.
You've probably heard this
before, Brian, but, uh,
you have very soft lips.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mornin', Joe.
How are you?
Okay.
Ah, who am I kidding?
I'm not okay.
You know, I--
I had a chance to ask Alex out
the other day,
and I didn't.
Brian did, got a date,
and to make matters even worse,
he didn't even sleep at home
last night.
You know,
this is so typical.
That guy always lucks out.
I-it never fails.
It's been like that
ever since we were kids.
I remember once
I bet him 10 bucks--
Joe.
Huh?
That "how are you?"
is a rhetorical question.
What's the matter
with you?
You know, all you ever do
is talk about Alex.
I mean,
I like her and everything,
she's really nice,
but no woman wants
to hear a guy go on and on
about some other woman.
So in the future,
I would appreciate
if you would consider
how I feel.
Helen, I am sorry.
You're absolutely right.
So do you think
he slept with her?
Joe, you're not gonna believe
what happened to me.
No, no, look. I don't wanna
hear what happened.
I-I don't wanna hear
about your conquest of Alex.
No, no, no, no, no,
I didn't sleep with Alex.
I sank Lowell's boat.
Oh...
Thank God.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
No, Joe,
you don't understand.
I sank Lowell's boat.
You what?
How? How did that happen?
Oh, I-- I just--
I briefly, briefly,
I left the wheel,
ran right into a 60-foot
cabin cruiser.
You cou--
You couldn't see
a 60-foot
cabin cruiser coming?
Excuse me,
but I'm supposed to be able
to pour champagne,
serve hors d'oeuvres
and keep my eyes peeled
for every little bump
that's on the horizon?
Wait, wait.
What smells like gasoline?
Oh,
that'd be me, Joe.
I spent the night
in the fuel shed.
Stop!
You ever consider you might be
standing next to someone
who slept in a pool
of gasoline?
Some people.
Lowell...
listen, uh, I have somethin'
that I have to say to you.
I sank your boat.
It's...
It's at the bottom
of the harbor.
My house?
My boat?
My houseboat?
( sobs ):
My boat.
Oh, my boat. My boat.
Lowell...
Everything I own
was on that boat.
My clothes, my tools,
my grandfather's photographs.
Oh, no, no, no.
What--? What were they?
Family pictures?
Uh, yeah, right,
that's what they were.
Family pictures.
( sobs ):
My boat. What am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna go?
Joe, Joe, help me out here.
Just say something.
Say something to console him,
will ya?
It went down quick.
Listen to me.
It's all my fault.
You know what?
Why don't you come live
with me and Joe?
Yeah, yeah,
that's a great idea, Brian.
Why don't you come
and live with us?
He's not gonna be any trouble.
I'll take care of him.
You say that now.
But I'm the one who ends up
havin' to feed him
and clean up after him.
( sobbing )
Joe, Joe,
look at him.
All right, okay,
but only until
we can find him
a good home.
Did you hear that?
What do you--?
What do you say?
What do you say, Lowelly?
Well, I-I don't know.
Would I have my own room?
Well, yeah, sure.
You can sleep
in the small bedroom downstairs.
The small one?
He sank my boat!
Shh, shh.
We'll work something,
don't worry.
My-- My room
has to face the ocean.
Uh, I can't go to sleep
unless I can hear the waves.
Well, uh, the only bedroom
that faces the ocean
is my bedroom.
He sank my boat.
Oh, I sank his boat, Joe.
Come on.
All right, fine. Yeah,
he can sleep in my bedroom.
I'll sleep downstairs.
Okay?
Well...
Okay.
Okay, okay.
And listen--
Listen, Lowell, if--
If there's--
If there's anything
you need, okay?
Anything at all...
you just ask Brian, okay?
Well, first thing,
I'm gonna need some clothes.
Sure, sure.
Well, Joe's about your size.
Joe, you'll take care
of him, right?
I--
I really like this jacket.
( chuckles ):
My leather jacket?
Come on, Lowell.
He sank my boat!
( upbeat piano theme playing )
JOE:
Five seconds left, boom,
McHale lands
this three-pointer and...
( humming )
Ah, good morning,
sleepyheads.
You know, I hope no one takes
exception to fresh-cut flowers.
I just can't resist them myself.
Oh, listen,
uh, Joe,
when you need your shirt,
it's hanging in your closet.
I pressed it last night
for you.
Here ya go.
Here you go.
Brian, I took the liberty
of logging and labeling
all of your videotapes.
And listen, when the two of you
go to take a shower,
be very careful
in the bathroom
because I just waxed
the floor.
Lowell?
What--? Wh-what do I smell
that is so heavenly?
Oh, I'm just heating up
some of Mother Mather's
family fry bread.
Its preparation is a secret,
but since we're roomies now,
I can share it
with the two of you.
It's thick-cut bread
dipped in egg batter.
You sprinkle a little cinnamon
and then you just throw it
in the skillet and fry it.
Well, that's--
That's French toast.
Sure.
Now.
Lowell,
you know,
you didn't have to go through
all this trouble.
( chuckles )
Where on earth
did you learn your way
around a kitchen?
Ah, from my mother.
The woman was a saint.
I mean, sure, she--
She wasn't book smart,
and she did have that fling
with communism back in the '50s
but when it came to teaching
the whys and wherefores
of good housekeeping,
well, she--
She just had no peer.
Heh. Hold on.
Hold on, Brian.
Don't drink that.
I can see from here
the orange juice
is way too pulpy.
Listen, I'm just gonna run it
through a cheesecloth,
have it back to you
in a jiffy.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
My friends, good news.
Your gloves have arrived
from Italy.
Oh.
Great,
they're already here.
Here you go.
Oh, they're soft.
They're nice.
And really, really big.
What is this,
some kind of joke?
Uh, I don't understand. I--
I-I did everything right.
I traced your hands.
I put the drawings
in the fax machine,
pushed the blue button.
Oh, brilliant. You were supposed
to push the green button.
You enlarged 'em,
pasta head.
Your uncle must think
we're a race of giants.
Yes. Says here,
"Your large friends
are very famous in our village."
( laughs )
He also wants you to know
that he makes shoes.
Oh, great.
You know,
I'm not payin' for these.
Of course not.
It's my fault.
I'll take them.
I can, uh--
I can donate them
to some charity.
Maybe needy children
with bad swelling.
Man, I can't wait to see
what Lowell made us
for lunch today.
He's gonna have to go a long way
to beat yesterday's
Veal Prince Orloff.
Ooh.
What is that?
Ooh, that smells great.
Yeah, it appears to be
marinated roast beef
on rosemary toast.
With arugula
and olive tapénade.
Order's up, Roy.
Tuna melt.
Goody.
The Cadillac
of melted food.
Boy, I gotta tell ya.
I'm almost glad
I sank Lowell's boat.
These have been the happiest
three days of my life.
Me too. I'm telling ya.
Maybe Lowell would come
and stay with me for a while.
I-I could sure use a little help
around the house.
You stay away from him,
you understand?
He's ours.
Okay, okay.
It was just a thought.
The nerve
on that woman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's--
It's Lowell's check
from the insurance company.
What,
are you kidding me?
What kind of insurance company
comes through that quick?
Now we're gonna lose him.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean,
what if his insurance company
behaved like a real one
and took forever
to send him the money, huh?
What're you saying,
we hide his check?
We can't do that.
It'd be dishonest.
That's--
That's terrible.
Joe, Joe,
look at the bottom
of your bag.
Tiny mints
and a moist towelette.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mm, what do I smell
this morning?
Belgian waffles.
Brian, look what I found
in your room this morning.
Didn't anyone ever teach you
where dirty dishes go?
Well, Lowell, uh,
I like to eat a sandwich in bed
while I watch TV.
Sometimes I raise
the degree of difficulty
and bring in a woman.
( Joe and Brian chuckle )
There's a place
in the house for eating,
and there's one
for watching television.
Lowell, I'm aware of the layout,
but that's the way
I like to do it,
so lighten up, okay?
Hey, if he wants you to eat
in the kitchen,
it's a small price to pay
for all this--
Oh, yeah, but--
Look at all this.
Uh, Lowell,
listen, I'm sorry.
You're right.
Uh, from now on,
I will never bring food
out of the kitchen.
Okey-dokey.
Would anyone care
for fresh blueberries
on their waffle?
Mm, yeah.
You have fresh blueberries?
Yes.
I got up early
this morning,
and while I was waiting
for the first coat of paint
to dry on the garage door,
I said to myself,
"idle hands
are the devil's workshop."
So I picked some berries.
I raised my voice
to him.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mmm,
what do I smell this morning?
Oh, man,
eggs Benedict.
Whoo.
Morning.
Morning.
Joe. Ho-ho-ho.
What are you doing?
You're putting ketchup
on eggs Benedict?
I have prepared
a creamy hollandaise for that.
I just like ketchup
on my eggs.
Maybe it's about time
you learned another way, mister.
Look, Lowell,
I-- I'm eating all mine.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Mmm, what do I smell
this morning?
Crepes a l'orange.
But you get cold cereal,
little mister.
When we stay out late,
we call ahead
so that someone is not at home
preparing a dinner
that goes uneaten.
( grunts )
Ow.
Is this your personal
milk carton, Joe Hackett?
I don't think so.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
So we're agreed.
Lowell's gone.
Yeah.
Tonight we eat
like the good old days.
Out of the pan
standing up over the sink.
We just tell him the check came
in this morning's mail.
We got
a little problem here.
Check is gone.
What?
Yeah,
look for yourself.
Hold on. Hold on.
J-just think.
Where did you see it last?
It's in the car. That's why
I'm rummaging in the desk.
Come on. Help me out
just a little bit.
Hey, guys,
I was just wondering--
Um, what's going on in here?
We lost something
that's of vital importance.
If we don't find it,
we're in real trouble.
Oh, what is it?
Alex's phone number?
Heck no. It's a check.
And if we don't find it,
we're dead, okay?
Wait a second, Joe...
where is Alex's phone number?
Their brains
are in their boxers.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Listen, listen,
Lowell's check is gone. Okay?
It's lost,
and we've gotta tell him.
Joe, Brian,
right on time, I see.
Lowell,
how ya doin'?
Hey.
I've prepared
a beef Wellington
that would put a smile
on the face
of Duke Wellington himself.
Lowell...
before we eat, uh,
we have something we need
to talk to you about.
Do you mind if we discuss
it during dinner?
Because I'd like
to say grace now.
Bow your heads.
Dear Lord, thank you
for the bounty before us.
On a personal note,
I'd like to thank you
for my two good friends,
Joe and Brian Hackett.
Joe being the one
with his elbows on the table.
As you know,
I'm expecting
my insurance check any day,
you willing,
and with it I'll finally be able
to start my life over again.
But I'd like to thank you
for Joe and Brian,
the generosity
of their selfless act.
Bless them, dear Lord,
for making me
a part of their family.
You guys have anything to add,
uh, before I sign off?
No, that's a good job, Lowell.
That's a good job,
Lowell.
Amen.
Okay. So you guys tell me
what you think about this.
Uh, it appears to be
some sort of...
letter.
It's my insurance check.
I found it this morning
when Joe sent me to get the keys
to the airplane.
Wasn't it enough that you
sank my boat, Brian?
Were the two of you
going to steal my money as well?
There was a reason
we were holding it.
Don't try to cover up.
I figured out
what your plan was.
You did?
Yes.
You were going to wait for me
to sign my weekly timecard,
forge my signature
on that check,
and then take my money
and run off to the Caribbean,
where then you would buy up
beachfront property
in the tax-free Cayman Islands,
all the while living like kings
as you smuggled guns
and cigarettes
to revolutionaries
in South America,
just waiting
for Castro to fall
so you could return
gambling to Cuba,
exploiting,
like the cutthroats before you,
a once proud people.
Actually, Lowell,
we did it because we wanted you
to stay with us a little longer.
Ha, ha, you expect me
to believe a story like that?
Well, it's true, Lowell.
It's true.
You're treating us so well
we didn't wanna lose you.
'Course, now that you
got your check,
I'm sure
you're gonna wanna...
I had no idea
that you guys felt that way.
I mean, with everything
that's happened to me recently,
the divorce, my boat sinking,
you have no idea how good
it feels to be needed again.
I can't even imagine
what my life would be like
without you guys.
Aren't you even
a little curious?
No way.
If you guys want me
to stay around,
then I'm gonna stay around
for good.
Or longer.
If you'll excuse me
for a minute...
So, what do you think?
Well, lose the spoon,
he's a pretty good roommate.
Uh, Lowell...
Listen,
since you're gonna stay,
uh, I just have
one request.
Could you just lighten up
a little bit?
I mean, the rules,
the regulations,
the hitting...
Yeah, I...
I guess
it's a lot to expect
for you guys
to fall in line overnight.
I'll give a little if you will.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
All right, great. Sorry.
Oh, listen,
I-I still owe you dinner.
And how about I whip up
a quick Shrimp Louie
with homemade Russian dressing?
A Louie? I love a Louie.
All right.
Well, you just leave
it all to me,
and, uh, you guys go and relax
wash your hands,
and I'll take care
of everything.
Okay.
Okay.
And I'll be checking
under those nails.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( mellow piano theme playing )