Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 6 - Two Jerks and a Jill - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Uh, your attention, please.
Sandpiper Air Flight
Number 25 to Boston
will now begin
boarding through--
You know what?
It might be fun if I gave you
an official farewell
in the language of the original
settlers of Nantucket,
the Algonquin Indians.
( speaking in Algonquin )
You're not likely
to hear that again,
seeing as how almost
the entire tribe
was wiped out
in a flu epidemic.
Apparently the Algonquin
were not a healthy people.
I think what they lacked
was vitamin C.
Well, of course, try to grow
citrus in this climate.
Gate 1.
( speaking in Algonquin )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, Lowell.
Hey, Tucker!
Hey, Lo.
Hey, Tuck.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, back at you.
Hey, right back at you
with the "hey" thing.
So,
Tucker,
what brings you here today?
TUCKER:
It's Tuesday,
you mo-mo.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
Tuesday we go out
to the dump.
Uh, excuse me, Lowell.
Why do you go to the dump
on Tuesdays?
Mo-mo!
Mo-mo!
On Tuesday nights
a bunch of us get together
and drive out to the dump
and shoot rats, Antonio.
Ahem, I came
for some money.
I need to buy
the beer and ammo.
Beers, guns
and a bunch of idiots.
Now, there's an episode
of Rescue 911
just waitin' to happen.
So you boys shoot rats?
Oh, eh.
It's much more involved
than that, Antonio.
First, we drive out
to the dump
and we face our pickups
to the dump.
Then we turn off
the lights
and sit in the dark
drinking lots of beer.
Then at the stroke of 11
we bang on the lights,
and as the rats run
squealing for cover,
we open fire.
Making sure to lean out
the window first.
So you wanna
join us tonight?
Sounds like fun. Sure.
Okay, great.
Great.
I'll see you later.
See ya, Antonio.
Sure was nice meetin' you.
Can't wait to see you
again tonight.
What'd you have to ask him
to come along for?
Well, it seemed like the polite
thing to do at the time.
Besides, nobody ever
said "yes" before.
Joe, Joe.
Joe, who do I talk to
about getting somebody
banned from the airport?
Some jerkwater
helicopter pilot
crosses right in front
of me on takeoff!
What? You too?
That idiot cut me off
this morning!
Oh, what is this?
"Nantucket Helicopter Tours"?
How'd this guy ever get
set up on the island anyway?
Brian!
Oh, Helen.
Helen, please, okay?
This is pilot-talk.
Don't you have an egg to fry
or somethin'?
I know what you mean, Brian.
Just what we don't need
around here is
some hotshot
chopper pilot.
I'm tellin' ya. This guy's
gotta be taught a lesson.
I say, we find
the son of a--
You just found her.
You're--?
You're the--?
HELEN:
Boys, meet Alex Lambert,
owner of Nantucket
Helicopter Tours.
Alex,
meet the Hackett brothers.
That's Brian
and that's Joe.
I would go
into more depth, but...
there is none.
Charmed.
Oh, by the way, slick,
I get my clearance
from the tower,
so if you have a traffic
problem, talk to them.
Entirely reasonable...
The tower's the problem..
Wow, talk about
drop-dead gorgeous.
Oh, man,
you're tellin' me.
We're talkin'
no wedding ring
or visible panty lines.
Let's just get this
straight, Brian.
I am the one
who's askin' her out. Okay?
Joe, Joe, Joe,
that woman is
a thoroughbred, okay?
I'm a world-class jockey.
You are Merle,
the stable boy.
So-- So just--
Just brush your tooth,
and if I need you,
I'll call you, okay?
Excuse me, guys?
Talk-- Talk to him.
I'm busy.
So, Alex?
Yes.
I don't know if, uh--
Uh...
Helen.
Right, Helen.
I don't know if, uh,
Helen told you,
but I'm the owner
of Sandpiper Air.
Oh, I've seen
your airline, ace.
The, uh, little blue
and white job?
It's cute.
Ah, cute's pretty much
what you were shootin' for,
wasn't it, Joe?
Oh, about the nicknames.
Sorry, I'm really awful
with names.
Oh, hey, no, no, no,
that's fine. That's fine.
Uh, I kinda like "slick."
Actually in the market
for a new nickname.
Gettin' a little sick
of the old one, "the piston."
BRIAN:
So, uh...
Where'd a gal like you ever
learn to fly a chopper, huh?
"Gal."
Forgive him.
We only recently chipped him
out of a glacier.
No, no, no,
all I meant was--
That's okay, slick.
I'll give you one for free.
I learned to fly
in the Army.
Flew an Apache
in Desert Storm.
Really--?
You were in the Army?
Having trouble wrapping
your mind
around that one?
Oh, no, no, no.
My mind is fully wrapped.
So, uh, what, uh--?
What brings you
to Nantucket?
When my tour was up,
I went into business
down in Florida.
And I thought I'd try it up here
and see if I like it any better.
Oh, really?
Really, well--
You know, you being from
the military and all, Alex,
uh, we might have
a lot in common
because I was in NASA.
Phew!
Did you by any chance
know Chris Matthews?
You know, Brian wasn't
at NASA too long.
( splutters )
BRIAN:
Uh, it just so happens
that I do know
Chris Matthews,
a great guy.
Chris Matthews
is a woman.
Well, yes,
I know that.
I know that.
But I, see--
I meant guy in that--
In that non-specific,
gender-free...
unisex kind of way.
Yeah, like Miss America.
What a great guy.
I gotta go.
HELEN:
Okay, bye.
I-I'll see you guys.
And I mean that
in that, uh,
non-specific, gender-free,
unisex kind of way.
Well,
I wish you two would
stop acting like...
Oh, brother.
( clang )
I wish you two
would stop acting
like a couple
of hormone-crazed,
sex-starved teenagers.
Oh, come on!
Get outta here!
Hey, boys, boys,
save your energy.
I know women.
That lady
doesn't even know
the two of you
are alive.
There's a certain...
look they get
when they're not interested.
Now could you get
a more expert opinion?
Joe, Joey,
this is actually
really very simple.
See, I sense
that Alex desires fun.
I am fun.
You're not fun.
End of story, okay?
Don't be pushin' me.
Hey, don't be
pullin' me, okay?
I can't believe you brought
up that old NASA story.
At least I have
a story, man.
What have you got
to brag about?
The time you built
that patio furniture?
Hey, I got a lot
of compliments about that.
I remember once when I had
two men chasing after me.
Oh, I bet you were flattered
by all the attention, right?
Not really.
When they caught me,
they stole my purse.
That could very well
have been the purse
where Fay kept
all her marbles.
( snickers )
( upbeat theme playing )
Morning, Helen.
Hey!
Some coffee, please?
Sure, Alex.
Fay, can you
handle this?
( grunts )
I was gonna sit there.
No, no,
I was gonna sit there.
Tough luck, boys.
The eagle has landed.
You're welcome
to take this one.
Look who's sittin' here.
Alex, we didn't
even see ya.
Hey, Alex.
How are ya?
HELEN AND ALEX:
Thanks.
Excuse me, boys.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Sure, anything.
Anything you want.
I was talking to Helen.
Can you recommend a good
health club on the island?
Oh, well, I can recommend
the only one.
That's the Water Street Gym.
Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, feel free
to fight over my seat.
I thought
that's what they were doing.
Hey, Lowell,
that was some good time
out at the dump last night.
Yeah, huh?
I guess
I got pretty lucky.
Oh, I would call it
more than luck.
You bagged more rats
in one night
than anyone else has gotten
in two years.
Well...
I sure like
your friends.
And they seemed
to like you too.
Or maybe that didn't
occur to you
when they hoisted you
on their shoulders
and paraded you around
the pile of burning tires.
It's all still
such a blur.
Anyway, your friend,
"Hey" Tucker,
called me last night.
Tucker called you?
Well, yeah.
He said everyone
had such fun
they want to have
another rat shoot tonight.
Well, what do you and
your cronies have planned next?
A Caribbean cruise?
Hello.
Hi.
Ooh, what's wrong
with Lowell?
He seems upset
that I shot better
last night than he did.
Oh, you didn't
show him up
in front of his Tuesday-night
rat club, did you?
Well...
I suppose shooting
that one rat
over my shoulder
with the mirror
may have been
over the line.
How can I make things right?
Did you ever see a musical
called Annie Get Your Gun?
No.
Well, it's about
this cowgirl,
and she's in love
with a man,
but it's not working out
because she is
a better shot than he is.
So-- So to win him over,
she arranges
to let him beat her
in a shooting contest.
Well, it's blatantly sexist,
but I always seem to tap
my toe in spite of myself.
Uh, you see
what I'm suggesting?
You're saying to win back
Lowell's friendship,
I should take him
to a musical.
Sit down, dear.
Now,
we'll go over it
one more time.
( mellow theme playing )
How you doin'?
( grunts )
Boy, I wish I knew
you were gonna be here.
I got a jar
of artichoke hearts at home.
Can't get the lid off
the damn thing,
for the life of me.
( laughs )
Buff, silent type.
What the hell
are you doin' here?
Oh, right now I'm composing
a thank-you note
to the man
who invented spandex.
Come on, Brian.
Admit it.
You were hopin'
to bump into Alex.
Oh, and just what do
you think you're doin' here?
Hopin' the Village People
make a comeback?
I mean, what is this?
This your idea
of a beard?
You look like a Chia Pet.
Yeah.
Ah, stop that!
Blindman's bluff.
Hey, wait a second.
( arguing indistinctly )
Oh, hey, hey, Brian,
look who's here.
Oh, hey,
hey, hey, Alex.
Who'da guessed
you'd be around?
Anyone who was
standing there
when I asked Helen
which gym to go to.
Oh, yeah.
Well, let's, uh,
take a little run.
Ah, there's nothin' like it.
Are you a runner?
They kind of encourage it
in the Army.
Oh, yeah, right.
Of course they do.
Yeah, I just do it to, uh,
keep up
the old cardiovascular.
I love it.
My brother.
He's, uh--
He's so modest,
you know, he's, like--
You'd never ever
hear it from him
that he was one
of the best milers
who ever came out
of 'Sconset High.
( chuckling ):
Brian, uh...
I really don't think
Alex is interested
in, uh...
Huh!
Boy, this is invigorating!
Do they...
actually...
have a nurse here
on the premises?
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go work
on my deltoids.
I don't know what those are,
but if you get tired,
I'll work 'em
for ya.
Oh, hey, wait.
So, um...
You never mentioned, uh,
where you're from originally.
Look, when I come
to the gym,
I come to work out.
I'm not here
to socialize.
Oh, hey, hey,
hey, me too.
I'm there, okay?
Cool.
'Cause--
'Cause, you know,
when I'm here,
when I'm at the gym,
you know,
I'm in a zone.
Just...
Just-- It's me,
my machine
and my muscle group,
you know?
Slick.
Excuse me.
I'm tryin'
to focus, okay?
( grunts )
When you're
through focusing,
you might wanna
turn around
because you're in
that thing backwards.
Well, uh,
apparently you don't know
how they use this machine
over in Europe.
Well,
about ready
for some, uh,
leg presses, huh?
Three hundred.
About my weight.
Okay.
( breathes rapidly )
( grunts )
Okay.
Oh...
Oh, okay,
okay, okay--
Little help,
little help here,
little help...
You need some help?
Yeah, Joe, no, no...
There we are.
No, no, no...
Oh, no, a little harder.
No, no...
No, help,
help, help...
Well, I'll see
you around, ace.
I'm gonna go do a guts
and butts class.
I'm right
behind you.
Oh, boy.
Oh, I've got a wedgie
happening here
you wouldn't believe.
Ow.
( upbeat theme playing )
Lowell, I never saw shooting
like that before in my life.
Especially that one rat
you picked off the hood
of that rusted-out Buick.
You were like
a man possessed,
and believe me,
I know whereof I speak.
Well, I don't know what happened
to you last night, Antonio,
but the guys sure got
a kick out
of how you couldn't hit
any rats.
( chuckles )
Even the big,
slow dumb ones.
Hey!
I was talkin'
about the rats, Tom.
Well, I guess that first night
must have been beginner's luck.
Well, I guess it was.
Oh, look at the time.
Gotta run. I am performing
that brain surgery at 9.
( all laugh )
And I got a meeting with
the board of directors at 11.
( all laugh )
And let's not forget about
our 4:00 tee-off time
at the country club.
( all laugh )
This is really funny,
but what do
we do anyway?
You sure are lucky
to have such friends.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm lucky
to have you also, Antonio.
What do you mean,
Lowell?
Well, I know what you did
last night. I mean--
You missed those rats
on purpose
just to make me look good
in front of my friends.
How did
you figure it out?
Well, pfft, I may be
a humble mechanic,
but I know
my musical theater.
Annie Get Your Gun,
Imperial Theater, 1946,
1041 performances.
The Merm was brilliant.
Mornin', Helen.
Mr. Universe.
Helen, listen, uh,
have you seen Alex?
Because I've got
these fresh--
Yeah, forget it, Joe.
She's not here.
Oh.
Oh, daisies
for Alex.
What a magnificently
uninspired choice.
Yeah, well, Brian,
normally I would agree with you,
but, uh, Alex's mother tells me
they're her favorite.
Her mother?
Oh, yeah.
We had a lovely little chat
this morning.
See, I got her number
from the application
to the health club.
You called
her mother?
You called her mother?
Well, I didn't call
her "mother" yet.
For now it's still Adele.
Oh, man! That is--
That-- That--
That is an end run, brother!
I cannot believe
you sunk so low.
I can't believe--
I can't believe
I didn't
come up
with it myself.
But I--
I can't--
Helen, he's upset.
Brain vein.
Brain vein.
Gimme that!
No, no.
Get your own.
Give it to me!
Sit and be quiet!
No, I'm not
gonna be quiet!
Sit! Sit.
I would like to inform
the two of you
that you've been
behaving like asses.
When are you gonna learn
that when both of y'all fall
for the same woman,
it's always trouble?
Remember Teresa Flayhive
in seventh grade?
Huh?
And what about Peggy Springer
in high school?
Oh, and let's not forget
the infamous Carol.
Or have you forgotten
your ex-fiancée
and your ex-wife?
Now, th-that was--
That was very different
'cause Carol couldn't fly
a helicopter.
That's it.
I wash my hands
of this whole thing.
Think maybe
she has a point?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
We have been actin'
pretty goofy the last few days.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, maybe we have
gone over the edge.
Yeah. So, what--
So what do you say?
We both stay
away from her?
Yeah, I think
it'd be good
if we just let
the whole thing go.
Yeah, I think we have to.
And you know why?
Because we are
the Hackett brothers.
We don't let anything
come between us.
Am I right?
You're right.
We don't go chasin'
after the same women.
They only come
chasin' after us.
Absolutely.
And we are in control.
Yes!
Yes!
Hey, you two.
We're havin' a meeting.
Right now.
In the office.
( scoffs )
Get--
Who does
she think she's--?
We're the Hackett brothers.
Nobody bosses us around.
Yeah, you're damn right.
I say we make her wait.
That's long enough.
Let's go.
Well, Alex, it's, uh,
really kind of good
that you're here
because we need to--
Let's let this be my meeting.
Okay?
( chuckling ):
Okay.
Now, I'm on Nantucket to get
my business up and running.
And the last thing I want
or have time for
is a new relationship.
So, you see,
you guys are spending
way too much time
pursuing something
that's not gonna happen.
Now you can brag,
you can exercise,
you can even
sit there with those goofy looks
on your faces
and act like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
Whatever you do,
stop it.
Are you finished?
Ho, ho, ho, man.
Because before you start
feelin' just--
Just a little too good
about yourself.
Right.
We have already decided
that we're gonna stop
chasin' after you.
That's right.
That's right.
'Cause, uh, we're
the Hackett brothers.
You know
what that means?
Hm, let's see.
I know it isn't
cough drops.
I will tell you.
It means that when
it comes to women,
we are in control.
See, you're not interested
in us.
We are not interested
in you.
And the world will
just go on a-spinnin'.
Fine.
So this is good.
We have an understanding.
Yes, we do.
You know,
maybe this is all
for the best because
when you get
right down to it,
I really find only
one of you attractive.
Huh?
Huh?
What's up?
I think
I just did a bad thing.
Oh, I like
the sound of that.
Let's hear it.
What does she think
she's tryin' to pull, huh?
We're the Hackett brothers.
We're in control.
Am I right?
Heh, Joe,
am I right?
Why would she say that?
Payback, I guess.
For putting up
with all their nonsense.
Mm-hm.
I mean,
you're a woman, Helen.
You know
what it's like
when guys are hitting
on you all the time.
Oh, well, ye--
Yeah, I do.
Well, you know,
I think it was
pretty obvious
who she meant.
I mean, she was
lookin' right at me.
She was-- She was lookin'
through you to look at me.
Oh, no.
She was not.
Yes, she was.
Yes, she was.
No, she was not.
Yes, she was.
No, she wasn't.
Stop it.
It's happening again.
No, it is not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Yes, it is.
Stop it!
Oh, I'm feelin'
a little guilty.
I mean,
they're really not bad guys.
They're just...
Jerks.
Yeah!
Well, I'm gonna
go in there
and let them
off the hook.
What? No way!
Don't you dare.
They deserve this.
Let that little bur stay
under their saddles
till it rubs 'em
good and raw.
I'm impressed.
You know,
behind that
sweet, innocent exterior
you may actually be
worse than I am.
Oh, you're
just sayin' that.
Listen here, missy.
We were
in there talkin'
and we decided that
we were not born yesterday.
Yeah, that's right.
You see,
we are the Hackett brothers.
You're in control,
right?
Just as advertised.
Yeah. Oh, yeah,
and that little, uh,
stunt that you just
pulled in there
about finding only
one of us attractive--
That was a very nice try,
but we know a bluff
when we see it,
and that was a bluff.
You're right.
It was.
Yeah, you're darned right--
What?
It was a bluff.
I don't find either one
of you attractive.
Yeah, you bet
your life you don't!
Guess we told her.
JOE:
Yeah, we'll see you around.
Hey, uh--
Did that come out the way
it was supposed to?
Uh, I don't know.
I got kinda lost there.
Yeah, but we're still
in control, right?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
They're even stupider
than I thought.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Uh, your attention, please.
Sandpiper Air Flight
Number 25 to Boston
will now begin
boarding through--
You know what?
It might be fun if I gave you
an official farewell
in the language of the original
settlers of Nantucket,
the Algonquin Indians.
( speaking in Algonquin )
You're not likely
to hear that again,
seeing as how almost
the entire tribe
was wiped out
in a flu epidemic.
Apparently the Algonquin
were not a healthy people.
I think what they lacked
was vitamin C.
Well, of course, try to grow
citrus in this climate.
Gate 1.
( speaking in Algonquin )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, Lowell.
Hey, Tucker!
Hey, Lo.
Hey, Tuck.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, back at you.
Hey, right back at you
with the "hey" thing.
So,
Tucker,
what brings you here today?
TUCKER:
It's Tuesday,
you mo-mo.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot.
Tuesday we go out
to the dump.
Uh, excuse me, Lowell.
Why do you go to the dump
on Tuesdays?
Mo-mo!
Mo-mo!
On Tuesday nights
a bunch of us get together
and drive out to the dump
and shoot rats, Antonio.
Ahem, I came
for some money.
I need to buy
the beer and ammo.
Beers, guns
and a bunch of idiots.
Now, there's an episode
of Rescue 911
just waitin' to happen.
So you boys shoot rats?
Oh, eh.
It's much more involved
than that, Antonio.
First, we drive out
to the dump
and we face our pickups
to the dump.
Then we turn off
the lights
and sit in the dark
drinking lots of beer.
Then at the stroke of 11
we bang on the lights,
and as the rats run
squealing for cover,
we open fire.
Making sure to lean out
the window first.
So you wanna
join us tonight?
Sounds like fun. Sure.
Okay, great.
Great.
I'll see you later.
See ya, Antonio.
Sure was nice meetin' you.
Can't wait to see you
again tonight.
What'd you have to ask him
to come along for?
Well, it seemed like the polite
thing to do at the time.
Besides, nobody ever
said "yes" before.
Joe, Joe.
Joe, who do I talk to
about getting somebody
banned from the airport?
Some jerkwater
helicopter pilot
crosses right in front
of me on takeoff!
What? You too?
That idiot cut me off
this morning!
Oh, what is this?
"Nantucket Helicopter Tours"?
How'd this guy ever get
set up on the island anyway?
Brian!
Oh, Helen.
Helen, please, okay?
This is pilot-talk.
Don't you have an egg to fry
or somethin'?
I know what you mean, Brian.
Just what we don't need
around here is
some hotshot
chopper pilot.
I'm tellin' ya. This guy's
gotta be taught a lesson.
I say, we find
the son of a--
You just found her.
You're--?
You're the--?
HELEN:
Boys, meet Alex Lambert,
owner of Nantucket
Helicopter Tours.
Alex,
meet the Hackett brothers.
That's Brian
and that's Joe.
I would go
into more depth, but...
there is none.
Charmed.
Oh, by the way, slick,
I get my clearance
from the tower,
so if you have a traffic
problem, talk to them.
Entirely reasonable...
The tower's the problem..
Wow, talk about
drop-dead gorgeous.
Oh, man,
you're tellin' me.
We're talkin'
no wedding ring
or visible panty lines.
Let's just get this
straight, Brian.
I am the one
who's askin' her out. Okay?
Joe, Joe, Joe,
that woman is
a thoroughbred, okay?
I'm a world-class jockey.
You are Merle,
the stable boy.
So-- So just--
Just brush your tooth,
and if I need you,
I'll call you, okay?
Excuse me, guys?
Talk-- Talk to him.
I'm busy.
So, Alex?
Yes.
I don't know if, uh--
Uh...
Helen.
Right, Helen.
I don't know if, uh,
Helen told you,
but I'm the owner
of Sandpiper Air.
Oh, I've seen
your airline, ace.
The, uh, little blue
and white job?
It's cute.
Ah, cute's pretty much
what you were shootin' for,
wasn't it, Joe?
Oh, about the nicknames.
Sorry, I'm really awful
with names.
Oh, hey, no, no, no,
that's fine. That's fine.
Uh, I kinda like "slick."
Actually in the market
for a new nickname.
Gettin' a little sick
of the old one, "the piston."
BRIAN:
So, uh...
Where'd a gal like you ever
learn to fly a chopper, huh?
"Gal."
Forgive him.
We only recently chipped him
out of a glacier.
No, no, no,
all I meant was--
That's okay, slick.
I'll give you one for free.
I learned to fly
in the Army.
Flew an Apache
in Desert Storm.
Really--?
You were in the Army?
Having trouble wrapping
your mind
around that one?
Oh, no, no, no.
My mind is fully wrapped.
So, uh, what, uh--?
What brings you
to Nantucket?
When my tour was up,
I went into business
down in Florida.
And I thought I'd try it up here
and see if I like it any better.
Oh, really?
Really, well--
You know, you being from
the military and all, Alex,
uh, we might have
a lot in common
because I was in NASA.
Phew!
Did you by any chance
know Chris Matthews?
You know, Brian wasn't
at NASA too long.
( splutters )
BRIAN:
Uh, it just so happens
that I do know
Chris Matthews,
a great guy.
Chris Matthews
is a woman.
Well, yes,
I know that.
I know that.
But I, see--
I meant guy in that--
In that non-specific,
gender-free...
unisex kind of way.
Yeah, like Miss America.
What a great guy.
I gotta go.
HELEN:
Okay, bye.
I-I'll see you guys.
And I mean that
in that, uh,
non-specific, gender-free,
unisex kind of way.
Well,
I wish you two would
stop acting like...
Oh, brother.
( clang )
I wish you two
would stop acting
like a couple
of hormone-crazed,
sex-starved teenagers.
Oh, come on!
Get outta here!
Hey, boys, boys,
save your energy.
I know women.
That lady
doesn't even know
the two of you
are alive.
There's a certain...
look they get
when they're not interested.
Now could you get
a more expert opinion?
Joe, Joey,
this is actually
really very simple.
See, I sense
that Alex desires fun.
I am fun.
You're not fun.
End of story, okay?
Don't be pushin' me.
Hey, don't be
pullin' me, okay?
I can't believe you brought
up that old NASA story.
At least I have
a story, man.
What have you got
to brag about?
The time you built
that patio furniture?
Hey, I got a lot
of compliments about that.
I remember once when I had
two men chasing after me.
Oh, I bet you were flattered
by all the attention, right?
Not really.
When they caught me,
they stole my purse.
That could very well
have been the purse
where Fay kept
all her marbles.
( snickers )
( upbeat theme playing )
Morning, Helen.
Hey!
Some coffee, please?
Sure, Alex.
Fay, can you
handle this?
( grunts )
I was gonna sit there.
No, no,
I was gonna sit there.
Tough luck, boys.
The eagle has landed.
You're welcome
to take this one.
Look who's sittin' here.
Alex, we didn't
even see ya.
Hey, Alex.
How are ya?
HELEN AND ALEX:
Thanks.
Excuse me, boys.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Sure, anything.
Anything you want.
I was talking to Helen.
Can you recommend a good
health club on the island?
Oh, well, I can recommend
the only one.
That's the Water Street Gym.
Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, feel free
to fight over my seat.
I thought
that's what they were doing.
Hey, Lowell,
that was some good time
out at the dump last night.
Yeah, huh?
I guess
I got pretty lucky.
Oh, I would call it
more than luck.
You bagged more rats
in one night
than anyone else has gotten
in two years.
Well...
I sure like
your friends.
And they seemed
to like you too.
Or maybe that didn't
occur to you
when they hoisted you
on their shoulders
and paraded you around
the pile of burning tires.
It's all still
such a blur.
Anyway, your friend,
"Hey" Tucker,
called me last night.
Tucker called you?
Well, yeah.
He said everyone
had such fun
they want to have
another rat shoot tonight.
Well, what do you and
your cronies have planned next?
A Caribbean cruise?
Hello.
Hi.
Ooh, what's wrong
with Lowell?
He seems upset
that I shot better
last night than he did.
Oh, you didn't
show him up
in front of his Tuesday-night
rat club, did you?
Well...
I suppose shooting
that one rat
over my shoulder
with the mirror
may have been
over the line.
How can I make things right?
Did you ever see a musical
called Annie Get Your Gun?
No.
Well, it's about
this cowgirl,
and she's in love
with a man,
but it's not working out
because she is
a better shot than he is.
So-- So to win him over,
she arranges
to let him beat her
in a shooting contest.
Well, it's blatantly sexist,
but I always seem to tap
my toe in spite of myself.
Uh, you see
what I'm suggesting?
You're saying to win back
Lowell's friendship,
I should take him
to a musical.
Sit down, dear.
Now,
we'll go over it
one more time.
( mellow theme playing )
How you doin'?
( grunts )
Boy, I wish I knew
you were gonna be here.
I got a jar
of artichoke hearts at home.
Can't get the lid off
the damn thing,
for the life of me.
( laughs )
Buff, silent type.
What the hell
are you doin' here?
Oh, right now I'm composing
a thank-you note
to the man
who invented spandex.
Come on, Brian.
Admit it.
You were hopin'
to bump into Alex.
Oh, and just what do
you think you're doin' here?
Hopin' the Village People
make a comeback?
I mean, what is this?
This your idea
of a beard?
You look like a Chia Pet.
Yeah.
Ah, stop that!
Blindman's bluff.
Hey, wait a second.
( arguing indistinctly )
Oh, hey, hey, Brian,
look who's here.
Oh, hey,
hey, hey, Alex.
Who'da guessed
you'd be around?
Anyone who was
standing there
when I asked Helen
which gym to go to.
Oh, yeah.
Well, let's, uh,
take a little run.
Ah, there's nothin' like it.
Are you a runner?
They kind of encourage it
in the Army.
Oh, yeah, right.
Of course they do.
Yeah, I just do it to, uh,
keep up
the old cardiovascular.
I love it.
My brother.
He's, uh--
He's so modest,
you know, he's, like--
You'd never ever
hear it from him
that he was one
of the best milers
who ever came out
of 'Sconset High.
( chuckling ):
Brian, uh...
I really don't think
Alex is interested
in, uh...
Huh!
Boy, this is invigorating!
Do they...
actually...
have a nurse here
on the premises?
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go work
on my deltoids.
I don't know what those are,
but if you get tired,
I'll work 'em
for ya.
Oh, hey, wait.
So, um...
You never mentioned, uh,
where you're from originally.
Look, when I come
to the gym,
I come to work out.
I'm not here
to socialize.
Oh, hey, hey,
hey, me too.
I'm there, okay?
Cool.
'Cause--
'Cause, you know,
when I'm here,
when I'm at the gym,
you know,
I'm in a zone.
Just...
Just-- It's me,
my machine
and my muscle group,
you know?
Slick.
Excuse me.
I'm tryin'
to focus, okay?
( grunts )
When you're
through focusing,
you might wanna
turn around
because you're in
that thing backwards.
Well, uh,
apparently you don't know
how they use this machine
over in Europe.
Well,
about ready
for some, uh,
leg presses, huh?
Three hundred.
About my weight.
Okay.
( breathes rapidly )
( grunts )
Okay.
Oh...
Oh, okay,
okay, okay--
Little help,
little help here,
little help...
You need some help?
Yeah, Joe, no, no...
There we are.
No, no, no...
Oh, no, a little harder.
No, no...
No, help,
help, help...
Well, I'll see
you around, ace.
I'm gonna go do a guts
and butts class.
I'm right
behind you.
Oh, boy.
Oh, I've got a wedgie
happening here
you wouldn't believe.
Ow.
( upbeat theme playing )
Lowell, I never saw shooting
like that before in my life.
Especially that one rat
you picked off the hood
of that rusted-out Buick.
You were like
a man possessed,
and believe me,
I know whereof I speak.
Well, I don't know what happened
to you last night, Antonio,
but the guys sure got
a kick out
of how you couldn't hit
any rats.
( chuckles )
Even the big,
slow dumb ones.
Hey!
I was talkin'
about the rats, Tom.
Well, I guess that first night
must have been beginner's luck.
Well, I guess it was.
Oh, look at the time.
Gotta run. I am performing
that brain surgery at 9.
( all laugh )
And I got a meeting with
the board of directors at 11.
( all laugh )
And let's not forget about
our 4:00 tee-off time
at the country club.
( all laugh )
This is really funny,
but what do
we do anyway?
You sure are lucky
to have such friends.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm lucky
to have you also, Antonio.
What do you mean,
Lowell?
Well, I know what you did
last night. I mean--
You missed those rats
on purpose
just to make me look good
in front of my friends.
How did
you figure it out?
Well, pfft, I may be
a humble mechanic,
but I know
my musical theater.
Annie Get Your Gun,
Imperial Theater, 1946,
1041 performances.
The Merm was brilliant.
Mornin', Helen.
Mr. Universe.
Helen, listen, uh,
have you seen Alex?
Because I've got
these fresh--
Yeah, forget it, Joe.
She's not here.
Oh.
Oh, daisies
for Alex.
What a magnificently
uninspired choice.
Yeah, well, Brian,
normally I would agree with you,
but, uh, Alex's mother tells me
they're her favorite.
Her mother?
Oh, yeah.
We had a lovely little chat
this morning.
See, I got her number
from the application
to the health club.
You called
her mother?
You called her mother?
Well, I didn't call
her "mother" yet.
For now it's still Adele.
Oh, man! That is--
That-- That--
That is an end run, brother!
I cannot believe
you sunk so low.
I can't believe--
I can't believe
I didn't
come up
with it myself.
But I--
I can't--
Helen, he's upset.
Brain vein.
Brain vein.
Gimme that!
No, no.
Get your own.
Give it to me!
Sit and be quiet!
No, I'm not
gonna be quiet!
Sit! Sit.
I would like to inform
the two of you
that you've been
behaving like asses.
When are you gonna learn
that when both of y'all fall
for the same woman,
it's always trouble?
Remember Teresa Flayhive
in seventh grade?
Huh?
And what about Peggy Springer
in high school?
Oh, and let's not forget
the infamous Carol.
Or have you forgotten
your ex-fiancée
and your ex-wife?
Now, th-that was--
That was very different
'cause Carol couldn't fly
a helicopter.
That's it.
I wash my hands
of this whole thing.
Think maybe
she has a point?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
We have been actin'
pretty goofy the last few days.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, maybe we have
gone over the edge.
Yeah. So, what--
So what do you say?
We both stay
away from her?
Yeah, I think
it'd be good
if we just let
the whole thing go.
Yeah, I think we have to.
And you know why?
Because we are
the Hackett brothers.
We don't let anything
come between us.
Am I right?
You're right.
We don't go chasin'
after the same women.
They only come
chasin' after us.
Absolutely.
And we are in control.
Yes!
Yes!
Hey, you two.
We're havin' a meeting.
Right now.
In the office.
( scoffs )
Get--
Who does
she think she's--?
We're the Hackett brothers.
Nobody bosses us around.
Yeah, you're damn right.
I say we make her wait.
That's long enough.
Let's go.
Well, Alex, it's, uh,
really kind of good
that you're here
because we need to--
Let's let this be my meeting.
Okay?
( chuckling ):
Okay.
Now, I'm on Nantucket to get
my business up and running.
And the last thing I want
or have time for
is a new relationship.
So, you see,
you guys are spending
way too much time
pursuing something
that's not gonna happen.
Now you can brag,
you can exercise,
you can even
sit there with those goofy looks
on your faces
and act like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
Whatever you do,
stop it.
Are you finished?
Ho, ho, ho, man.
Because before you start
feelin' just--
Just a little too good
about yourself.
Right.
We have already decided
that we're gonna stop
chasin' after you.
That's right.
That's right.
'Cause, uh, we're
the Hackett brothers.
You know
what that means?
Hm, let's see.
I know it isn't
cough drops.
I will tell you.
It means that when
it comes to women,
we are in control.
See, you're not interested
in us.
We are not interested
in you.
And the world will
just go on a-spinnin'.
Fine.
So this is good.
We have an understanding.
Yes, we do.
You know,
maybe this is all
for the best because
when you get
right down to it,
I really find only
one of you attractive.
Huh?
Huh?
What's up?
I think
I just did a bad thing.
Oh, I like
the sound of that.
Let's hear it.
What does she think
she's tryin' to pull, huh?
We're the Hackett brothers.
We're in control.
Am I right?
Heh, Joe,
am I right?
Why would she say that?
Payback, I guess.
For putting up
with all their nonsense.
Mm-hm.
I mean,
you're a woman, Helen.
You know
what it's like
when guys are hitting
on you all the time.
Oh, well, ye--
Yeah, I do.
Well, you know,
I think it was
pretty obvious
who she meant.
I mean, she was
lookin' right at me.
She was-- She was lookin'
through you to look at me.
Oh, no.
She was not.
Yes, she was.
Yes, she was.
No, she was not.
Yes, she was.
No, she wasn't.
Stop it.
It's happening again.
No, it is not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Yes, it is.
Stop it!
Oh, I'm feelin'
a little guilty.
I mean,
they're really not bad guys.
They're just...
Jerks.
Yeah!
Well, I'm gonna
go in there
and let them
off the hook.
What? No way!
Don't you dare.
They deserve this.
Let that little bur stay
under their saddles
till it rubs 'em
good and raw.
I'm impressed.
You know,
behind that
sweet, innocent exterior
you may actually be
worse than I am.
Oh, you're
just sayin' that.
Listen here, missy.
We were
in there talkin'
and we decided that
we were not born yesterday.
Yeah, that's right.
You see,
we are the Hackett brothers.
You're in control,
right?
Just as advertised.
Yeah. Oh, yeah,
and that little, uh,
stunt that you just
pulled in there
about finding only
one of us attractive--
That was a very nice try,
but we know a bluff
when we see it,
and that was a bluff.
You're right.
It was.
Yeah, you're darned right--
What?
It was a bluff.
I don't find either one
of you attractive.
Yeah, you bet
your life you don't!
Guess we told her.
JOE:
Yeah, we'll see you around.
Hey, uh--
Did that come out the way
it was supposed to?
Uh, I don't know.
I got kinda lost there.
Yeah, but we're still
in control, right?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
They're even stupider
than I thought.
( upbeat piano theme playing )