Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 4 - Blackout Buggins - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Antonio.
What are you writing?
Ah. A poem.
The Nantucket Tourism Board
is putting together a booklet
uh, written by local poets.
I didn't know you wrote poetry.
I don't.
But the best poem
gets a hundred bucks.
So I figure, "What the hey?"
Well, I'm game.
Uh, let's hear it.
Okay.
It's called
"Waiting For a Fare."
Hm.
Waiting for a fare
Here comes one now.
Oh, he looks like he wants
To go someplace far.
What? You just want directions
To the lighthouse?
It's right there,
You stinking little tourist.
What are you, blind?!
Hey! You're gonna lose
That finger, pal!
Get in. I'll drive you
Into the cold, dark ocean!
Waiting for a fare.
So, what do you think?
Well, Antonio,
that was very nice.
Um, but don't you think
maybe the Tourism Board
would want something
a little more upbeat?
Oh. No problem.
And come back soon.
( upbeat theme playing )
Here you go, Antonio.
You can't watch a Red Sox game
without a hot dog.
Ah. Thank you, Helen.
ALL:
Ooh, fries.
The game's about to start.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Ladies and gentlemen, to sing
the national anthem,
please welcome popular
rap recording artists,
Ice Tray
and the Cold Boys.
Who?
MAN ( on TV ): Here we go.
( all beatboxing )
Up, up. Come up.
ICE TRAY ( rapping ):
Yo, say can you see
By the dawn's
Early light
What so p-p-proudly
We hailed
At the twilight's
Last gleaming?
What is he doing
to the national anthem?
He's rapping, Roy.
( sighs ):
I can't believe people try
and pass this stuff off
as music.
It's an abomination.
It's an affront to
real musicians everywhere.
And it's got a snappy
little beat to it too.
Oh, say
BOTH: What?
Does that star-spangled
Banner yet wave?
What kind of name
is Ice Tray, anyway?
Hm. Tray.
I think it's French.
Does the star-spangled
Banner yet wave?
Is this Ice Tray the one
who was in Boyz n the Hood?
Oh, no.
That's Ice Cube.
Then who sang the song
about the Ninja Turtle?
That-- That was
Vanilla Ice.
Wait. Isn't Ice Cube
the basketball player?
No, no, no. That's Ice-T.
No.
That's
the Iceman.
I wonder if Ice-T
is related to Mr. T.
I wonder if Mr. T
is related to Mr. Coffee.
I wonder if your mother's
related to your father.
The point is, that song
was written with respect,
and that's how it should
be sung, for God's sake.
Even I could sing it
better than that dope.
Oh. Yeah, right.
Oh, yeah, right, Roy.
Yeah, yeah.
So you mean to say
you could sing
the national anthem?
You bet I could.
Really?
In front of all those people?
Damn straight.
When the Community
Players needed a lead
for their production
of Man of La Mancha,
who do you think they called?
Rudy, down at the scrap yard.
All right,
but when he had artistic
differences with the director,
they called me.
And I went out there
and sang every night
in front of
all those people.
I was fantastic.
Fourteen nights straight
I packed 'em in.
Talking about the audience
or those toreador pants
you had to wear
during the second act?
Look, I think this fine
is totally unjustified,
and I don't see why
I should have to pay it.
For one thing, I know that
my assistant files those reports
every single day.
And for another thing, sh--
What?
She didn't?
Are you sure?
( sighs )
All right,
let me get back to you.
( sighs )
Damn it.
Fay, can I see you
for a second?
Oh, certainly,
Joe.
Have a seat.
( airplane
flies overhead )
So how are you
today?
Fine.
Oh, Fay, uh,
something happened today.
Something you did.
Something...
Well...it isn't good.
Well, whatever it is,
just tell me.
Okay.
Well...what happened
is really sort of...
infuriating.
( scoffs ):
Well,
you don't seem infuriated.
But if you are,
go ahead and let me have it
with both barrels.
Okay.
Uh, I just got off
the phone with the FAA.
Now, you remember those
service difficulty reports,
the ones I told you
must be filed every day?
Well, you missed three
already this month, Fay,
and thanks to
your carelessness,
the FAA is
fining me $500.
Where am I gonna get
500 bucks, Fay?
( sobbing )
Fay. Uh...
Uh...
I tried so hard.
I-I--
I-I-- I didn't mean to
make you...
I'm-- I'm older.
Sh. Now--
Sometimes I forget.
( sobs )
It's okay. Now...
just because--
My a-- Arthritis.
I-I-I know. I know.
All my responsibilities.
Oh--
Oh-oh, I know.
Mm.
There.
Look, Fay,
let's just forget that
I even mentioned this, okay?
N-no, I-I'm glad
you unburdened yourself.
You gonna be all right?
Oh, yes. U-um...
I'll just go out
to the, uh, fuel shed
and compose myself.
( gasps )
I just hope
you feel better.
( sobbing )
Uh, uh, uh. Hey, Roy.
It's all set.
What are you talking
about, Hackett?
Well, you know. What you
were talking about before.
About singing
the national anthem.
I just got off the phone.
The Red Sox are expecting you
on Thursday.
Hey!
Oh, yeah, right--
No, real--
Hey, really. Really.
My college roommate
works in the PR department.
He set it up.
So, uh, I can tell him
you're gonna make it, right?
Will you get serious?
Wait a second.
You just got through telling us
what a great voice you have.
Hey, you weren't lying
about that, were you, Roy?
I was just making
a point, Hackett.
Besides, heh,
I'm way too busy.
( clucks )
Don't be childish.
You can't really expect me to--
( clucks )
I can't go
running off to--
( all clucking )
I was just saying--
( moos )
Don't we have some kind of
barnyard thing going here?
So-- So, Roy,
in other words, uh,
all that talk about
singing the national anthem
was just a bunch of hot air,
as usual, right?
Yeah. As usual.
As per usual, Roy, there.
You guys think
I'm scared, huh?
Well, I'm gonna show you
how scared I am. You go ahead.
You call your friend
and set it up.
And while you slack-asses
are sitting around here
on your thumbs,
I'm gonna be showing you
how "The Star-Spangled Banner"
is supposed to be sung.
I can't believe
you got him to do it.
Someday, I must learn
to use my powers for good,
not just evil.
Okay, everybody,
Thursday night,
anthem party,
right here on me.
Yeah.
LOWELL: Okay. And Brian.
Might I say you do an excellent
rendition of a chicken.
Of course, no one can
top my Aunt Frieda.
Why, whenever she'd
get up from her chair,
you'd check for eggs.
Found one once.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( knocking on door )
Joe. Do you have
a minute?
I-I just wanted to
talk to you
about what happened
between us
the other day.
Oh, good, Fay.
Because I feel really bad
about the way we left things.
Oh, I-I can't believe
the way I reacted.
Oh, well, you know. Emotions
run high, and we just--
Oh, I know. It was really
silly, wasn't it?
( chuckles ):
It sure was.
( both laughing )
Well, at least we're
laughing about it.
Well...
And-- And-- And I want you
to know something.
What?
I forgive you.
( laughing )
Forgive me?
( laughing )
For what?
Well, for making me cry.
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
I don't mean to
split hairs, Fay,
but I didn't exactly
make you cry.
I mean, y-you made me
tell you something
that I really
didn't want to,
and, well, to be honest, it--
It really started when you
made that bonehead mistake
that cost me
$500.
( laughing )
Bonehead mistake?
Y--
Well, yeah.
That's what it was.
It was a silly--
( sobbing )
I came in here to try to
make things right.
Fay. I--
And then you just
opened the wound
all over again.
Fay, come on. I--
Don't touch me!
What happened?
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, pregame's over,
everybody. Roy's almost on.
ANTONIO:
I'm so excited.
I've never known anyone
who's been on TV before.
Uh, except for
my cousin, Angelo.
Is he some kind of
celebrity in Italy?
No. He was videotaped
robbing a convenience
store.
Yep.
A recording of this
once-in-a-lifetime occasion
is gonna make the perfect
Christmas gift for Roy.
Right about now,
the old VCR at home
is electronically
turning itself on
and switching
to channel 11.
Lowell, the game's
on channel 13.
Oh.
Well, that's okay.
I think I forgot to
put a tape in anyway.
I didn't miss it,
did I?
Uh, no. Saved you a seat.
Thank you.
Wow. You made great time
from Hyannis.
Yeah.
You did wait for
all the passengers,
didn't
you?
Passengers?
Look, they're driving Roy
onto the field.
Hey, hey, hey.
There he is.
HELEN:
You know, usually
the good thing
about Roy not
being here is
he's not here.
And now he's not here,
and he is still here.
Ah. Now, there's one
for the philosophers.
That's sort of like...
if I were to drink soda
out of this coffee cup,
could I still, in fact,
call it a coffee cup?
Whoa. Is anyone else
freaking out right now?
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise and direct
your attention...
All right. Yeah,
look at him.
...where our national anthem
will be sung
by Nantucket resident,
Mr. Roy Buggins.
( all laugh )
Buggins.
Ha. Leave it to Roy to come up
with a catchy stage name.
( "The Star-Spangled Banner"
playing on stadium PA )
Oh-- Oh...
MAN ( on TV ):
Unbelievable. The guy fainted.
I mean, I've been
doing this for 17 years.
I have never seen
anything like it.
( man speaking
indistinctly on TV )
Oh, my God.
He fainted.
Laying out there flat.
Play ball.
( upbeat theme playing )
HELEN:
Well, well, well.
It's 4:00, and look who decided
to show his face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Saw you on TV
last night, Roy.
You done real good.
I've seen the, uh,
national anthem
done a lot,
but you were--
You were flat out
the best.
( all laugh )
Just shut up. I g--
I got hit with a flu bug.
HELEN: Oh.
I got a little lightheaded.
Are you sure it was
not something you ate?
You seemed to be...
choking out there.
( laughs )
It could happen to anybody.
If I had another chance,
I could knock 'em dead.
You know what? I bet you if
I told my friend what happened,
they'd let you sing it again.
I hear there's an opening
on Smelling Salts Night.
( all chuckle )
Fine. Fine. If
your lives are so boring,
that this is all you've
got to talk about, fine.
Go ahead.
I can take the heat.
Well I hope so, Roy,
'cause you're
on television again.
ROY: What?
( upbeat music playing on TV )
Last night at Fenway,
the Red Sox game was delayed
by a blackout.
Power shortage?
No. I'm talking about the guy
that came to sing
the national anthem.
( explosion )
Say hello to Roy
"Blackout" Buggins.
It's Biggins,
you jerk.
After he hit the deck, Buggins
was carted off the field
like freshly-killed game.
Nice form, Roy.
Speaking of nice form,
let's take a look
at some sparkling
defensive play
from around the world
of baseball.
Ah, here's a gem.
Routine grounder.
Easy out, right?
Wrong. What do you
think of that, Roy?
( gong resonates )
( laughs ):
Hey, Roy.
And I thought
Bush throwing up
on the Japanese
was funny.
And here's a close play.
Too close to call.
You make the call, Roy.
Out. Safe. Out. Safe. Out.
Safe. Out. Safe. Out. Safe.
He's...out.
( clicks off )
This is outrageous.
I'm gonna sue his pants off.
He can't do that.
Oh, yes, he can. You remember
when that Bruins fan
fell headfirst
onto the ice?
LOWELL:
Oh, that wasn't half as funny,
and they used that clip
for months.
HELEN:
Yeah, he got so sick
of everybody kidding him
all the time
that he lost his job,
his wife left him,
and finally he had to just
move out of state.
Hint, hint.
Well, that is not
gonna happen to me.
And do you wanna know why?
Because your wife
already left you?
No. Because I'm gonna
show that sportscaster.
I'm gonna show you.
I'm gonna show the whole
world that I can do it.
It's the only way I'll ever get
this monkey off my back.
Mark my words, heh-ho...
Roy Biggins will sing again.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Good night, Fay.
Night.
( sighs )
Uh, if you're finished
with that, could I have it?
I'm recycling.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm all for
helping out the environment.
Oh-- Well, there's that. But
I'm doing it for the money.
I can get five cents apiece
down at the market.
It's all part of my plan to pay
you back for the FAA fine.
Fay, you don't have to
pay me back.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm-- I'm glad to do it.
I figure a can here,
a stamp steamed off
an envelope there...
I should have your money
back to you in no time.
( sighs )
Fay, I wish-- I--
Ooh. Two liters.
My lucky day.
( door opens )
Helen, not so fast.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, what is it, Roy?
I'm kind of in a hurry.
I-I just got off the phone
with the Red Sox.
They said I could sing again
next Thursday night, if--
If I want to.
Oh, great.
Have a good time.
Okay, okay, Helen.
It wasn't the flu that
made me faint last night,
it was worrying about
hitting that high note.
You know:
O'er the land of the
( croaks ):
Free
I just can't get to it.
If I faint again,
I am gonna be a laughingstock
the rest of my life.
Well, it's gotten you
this far. I'd go with it.
Oh, damn it, Helen. All I need
is help hitting that one note.
You went to music school.
You're bound to know
some kind of trick.
You've got to help me.
No, I don't, Roy.
What if I buy lunch from you
every day next month?
You do that anyway.
I'll eat in my office.
Deal. Sing.
Okay. Here goes.
( clears throat )
O'er the land of the
( croaks ):
Free-e
That's your problem, Roy.
You gotta sing from
your diaphragm.
What are you talking
about? Show me.
Oh, I gotta get a life.
All right. Turn around.
Ugh.
Okay. Try it again.
O'er the land
Of the free
Ho-ho, God.
Oh, yes.
I got there,
Helen.
A-again. Again.
Oh. That was
unbelievable.
And after all
this time,
and not being able
to do it myself.
Don't worry.
Didn't see a thing.
Roy, you old dog.
You finally got her, huh?
Helen, I'm more than
a little disappointed in you.
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, yeah, these are
great seats, Brian.
Any further out
in left field,
we'd be sitting in
Lansdowne Street.
Okay. If you wanted
to see the game,
you could have watched it
on television.
But we're here to see Roy
make an ass of himself.
By my calculations,
he should be
hitting the ground
right about there.
Wow. These are
great seats.
Hey, Mattingly!
You're a bum!
BRIAN:
Helen. Helen.
You promised.
And why is it
every time we go
to a ball game,
you turn into
the fan from hell?
( honks )
I still regret
taking her
to that golf
tournament.
Hey, I'm starving.
What do you say?
Fenway Franks all around?
Sounds good.
Do it.
Uh, not for me, thanks.
I brought a jelly
sandwich.
Oh, Fay, you can't
go to a ball game
and not have a hot dog.
Well, those of us
who are watching our pennies
can't afford the luxury
of treats.
For God's sake.
Fay, I'll pay for it.
Oh, I wouldn't want to
owe you any more money
than I already do.
Uh, I don't understand.
You're not a player.
Why do you wear
a glove?
Well, Antonio,
at some point in the game,
or during batting
practice, like now,
they could just
knock one up here.
Huh.
Yeah, it's a long shot...
but...if you can go home
with a genuine
Major League baseball,
well, you've got yourself
one of the greatest
souvenirs there is.
( bat cracks )
Never have gotten one.
( all yelling )
Oh.
All right.
( hits glove )
Maybe today.
Hey. Fenway Franks.
Hey, popcorn here,
please.
Ah. I get it.
Uh, whatever they are selling,
that's what you yell out.
Yeah, that's
just about it.
Hey. Big, spongy
index finger.
Hey, Tartabull!
You swing like
a rusty gate!
Helen, the man is
holding a bat.
Hey, you guys want a beer?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Please, Joe,
allow me.
Hey, beer.
I love this.
Fay...would you
like a beer?
Oh. No, thank you.
If I get thirsty,
I'll just walk
23 sections
over to the lukewarm
water fountain
outside the smelly
men's bathroom.
Tell me when you're
going, would you?
JOE:
That is it.
You are not
paying me back.
If you do I'm gonna
throw it away.
And you're not having
a jelly sandwich.
You are having...
Hey.
...a hot dog and a beer
like a normal person.
I can see this was
all my fault.
I never should have
pointed out a mistake.
I'm sorry that I did it.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now, was that so hard?
Um...well now that
I have a little extra money,
I believe I'll
buy myself a souvenir.
Oh, allow me.
Antonio, give Fay
the finger.
Oh, thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise and direct
your attention to center field
for our national anthem.
All right.
Oh, here we go.
Whoo!
( honks horn )
Ah. Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
( honks horn )
Stop it!
ANNOUNCER:
To perform tonight,
let's welcome back
a brave trouper,
Mr. Ray Biggins.
( crowd cheering )
Give 'em hell,
Ray.
Oh, say can you see
By the dawn's early light
Isn't Roy supposed to
have fainted by now?
We hail
At the twilight's...
The bombs bursting in air
He doesn't stink.
He does not stink.
We flew all the way
to Boston to see him stink,
and he doesn't.
You know, you count on people
to come through,
and they just
break your heart.
There's still
a chance, isn't there?
Ah, Joe, Joe.
Ever the optimist.
Just wait a minute,
wait a minute.
He hasn't hit the high note yet.
Mm.
He'll be sucking sod
any minute now.
O'er the land
Of the...
( mouths ):
Free
( static crackles )
I can't hear him.
His microphone
cut out.
Of the brave
( crowd applauding, cheering )
It almost looked like
he did hit that high note.
Uh, listen, don't make it
worse than it already is.
I was counting on Roy
to totally humiliate himself.
Excuse me.
( tapping )
Wait, wait, wait.
There's still hope.
ANNOUNCER:
Thank you, Ray Biggins--
Uh, uh, it's Roy.
Uh, Roy Biggins.
And I'm not done yet.
Oh-ho-ho, there is a God.
I-I-- I had a little
trouble with the mike, but--
But I did hit that high note.
So I'd like to
prove it to you
by taking it again
from the top.
Oh, say can you see
By the dawn's early light
ANNOUNCER:
Once again, a special
thank you to Ray Biggins.
At the twi--?
And the rockets' red glare
Watch it.
Whoa! Whoa-- Ooh!
See what that security
guard just did to him?
Oh, yeah. He ought to
be able to hit that
high note now, huh?
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Antonio.
What are you writing?
Ah. A poem.
The Nantucket Tourism Board
is putting together a booklet
uh, written by local poets.
I didn't know you wrote poetry.
I don't.
But the best poem
gets a hundred bucks.
So I figure, "What the hey?"
Well, I'm game.
Uh, let's hear it.
Okay.
It's called
"Waiting For a Fare."
Hm.
Waiting for a fare
Here comes one now.
Oh, he looks like he wants
To go someplace far.
What? You just want directions
To the lighthouse?
It's right there,
You stinking little tourist.
What are you, blind?!
Hey! You're gonna lose
That finger, pal!
Get in. I'll drive you
Into the cold, dark ocean!
Waiting for a fare.
So, what do you think?
Well, Antonio,
that was very nice.
Um, but don't you think
maybe the Tourism Board
would want something
a little more upbeat?
Oh. No problem.
And come back soon.
( upbeat theme playing )
Here you go, Antonio.
You can't watch a Red Sox game
without a hot dog.
Ah. Thank you, Helen.
ALL:
Ooh, fries.
The game's about to start.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Ladies and gentlemen, to sing
the national anthem,
please welcome popular
rap recording artists,
Ice Tray
and the Cold Boys.
Who?
MAN ( on TV ): Here we go.
( all beatboxing )
Up, up. Come up.
ICE TRAY ( rapping ):
Yo, say can you see
By the dawn's
Early light
What so p-p-proudly
We hailed
At the twilight's
Last gleaming?
What is he doing
to the national anthem?
He's rapping, Roy.
( sighs ):
I can't believe people try
and pass this stuff off
as music.
It's an abomination.
It's an affront to
real musicians everywhere.
And it's got a snappy
little beat to it too.
Oh, say
BOTH: What?
Does that star-spangled
Banner yet wave?
What kind of name
is Ice Tray, anyway?
Hm. Tray.
I think it's French.
Does the star-spangled
Banner yet wave?
Is this Ice Tray the one
who was in Boyz n the Hood?
Oh, no.
That's Ice Cube.
Then who sang the song
about the Ninja Turtle?
That-- That was
Vanilla Ice.
Wait. Isn't Ice Cube
the basketball player?
No, no, no. That's Ice-T.
No.
That's
the Iceman.
I wonder if Ice-T
is related to Mr. T.
I wonder if Mr. T
is related to Mr. Coffee.
I wonder if your mother's
related to your father.
The point is, that song
was written with respect,
and that's how it should
be sung, for God's sake.
Even I could sing it
better than that dope.
Oh. Yeah, right.
Oh, yeah, right, Roy.
Yeah, yeah.
So you mean to say
you could sing
the national anthem?
You bet I could.
Really?
In front of all those people?
Damn straight.
When the Community
Players needed a lead
for their production
of Man of La Mancha,
who do you think they called?
Rudy, down at the scrap yard.
All right,
but when he had artistic
differences with the director,
they called me.
And I went out there
and sang every night
in front of
all those people.
I was fantastic.
Fourteen nights straight
I packed 'em in.
Talking about the audience
or those toreador pants
you had to wear
during the second act?
Look, I think this fine
is totally unjustified,
and I don't see why
I should have to pay it.
For one thing, I know that
my assistant files those reports
every single day.
And for another thing, sh--
What?
She didn't?
Are you sure?
( sighs )
All right,
let me get back to you.
( sighs )
Damn it.
Fay, can I see you
for a second?
Oh, certainly,
Joe.
Have a seat.
( airplane
flies overhead )
So how are you
today?
Fine.
Oh, Fay, uh,
something happened today.
Something you did.
Something...
Well...it isn't good.
Well, whatever it is,
just tell me.
Okay.
Well...what happened
is really sort of...
infuriating.
( scoffs ):
Well,
you don't seem infuriated.
But if you are,
go ahead and let me have it
with both barrels.
Okay.
Uh, I just got off
the phone with the FAA.
Now, you remember those
service difficulty reports,
the ones I told you
must be filed every day?
Well, you missed three
already this month, Fay,
and thanks to
your carelessness,
the FAA is
fining me $500.
Where am I gonna get
500 bucks, Fay?
( sobbing )
Fay. Uh...
Uh...
I tried so hard.
I-I--
I-I-- I didn't mean to
make you...
I'm-- I'm older.
Sh. Now--
Sometimes I forget.
( sobs )
It's okay. Now...
just because--
My a-- Arthritis.
I-I-I know. I know.
All my responsibilities.
Oh--
Oh-oh, I know.
Mm.
There.
Look, Fay,
let's just forget that
I even mentioned this, okay?
N-no, I-I'm glad
you unburdened yourself.
You gonna be all right?
Oh, yes. U-um...
I'll just go out
to the, uh, fuel shed
and compose myself.
( gasps )
I just hope
you feel better.
( sobbing )
Uh, uh, uh. Hey, Roy.
It's all set.
What are you talking
about, Hackett?
Well, you know. What you
were talking about before.
About singing
the national anthem.
I just got off the phone.
The Red Sox are expecting you
on Thursday.
Hey!
Oh, yeah, right--
No, real--
Hey, really. Really.
My college roommate
works in the PR department.
He set it up.
So, uh, I can tell him
you're gonna make it, right?
Will you get serious?
Wait a second.
You just got through telling us
what a great voice you have.
Hey, you weren't lying
about that, were you, Roy?
I was just making
a point, Hackett.
Besides, heh,
I'm way too busy.
( clucks )
Don't be childish.
You can't really expect me to--
( clucks )
I can't go
running off to--
( all clucking )
I was just saying--
( moos )
Don't we have some kind of
barnyard thing going here?
So-- So, Roy,
in other words, uh,
all that talk about
singing the national anthem
was just a bunch of hot air,
as usual, right?
Yeah. As usual.
As per usual, Roy, there.
You guys think
I'm scared, huh?
Well, I'm gonna show you
how scared I am. You go ahead.
You call your friend
and set it up.
And while you slack-asses
are sitting around here
on your thumbs,
I'm gonna be showing you
how "The Star-Spangled Banner"
is supposed to be sung.
I can't believe
you got him to do it.
Someday, I must learn
to use my powers for good,
not just evil.
Okay, everybody,
Thursday night,
anthem party,
right here on me.
Yeah.
LOWELL: Okay. And Brian.
Might I say you do an excellent
rendition of a chicken.
Of course, no one can
top my Aunt Frieda.
Why, whenever she'd
get up from her chair,
you'd check for eggs.
Found one once.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
( knocking on door )
Joe. Do you have
a minute?
I-I just wanted to
talk to you
about what happened
between us
the other day.
Oh, good, Fay.
Because I feel really bad
about the way we left things.
Oh, I-I can't believe
the way I reacted.
Oh, well, you know. Emotions
run high, and we just--
Oh, I know. It was really
silly, wasn't it?
( chuckles ):
It sure was.
( both laughing )
Well, at least we're
laughing about it.
Well...
And-- And-- And I want you
to know something.
What?
I forgive you.
( laughing )
Forgive me?
( laughing )
For what?
Well, for making me cry.
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
I don't mean to
split hairs, Fay,
but I didn't exactly
make you cry.
I mean, y-you made me
tell you something
that I really
didn't want to,
and, well, to be honest, it--
It really started when you
made that bonehead mistake
that cost me
$500.
( laughing )
Bonehead mistake?
Y--
Well, yeah.
That's what it was.
It was a silly--
( sobbing )
I came in here to try to
make things right.
Fay. I--
And then you just
opened the wound
all over again.
Fay, come on. I--
Don't touch me!
What happened?
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, pregame's over,
everybody. Roy's almost on.
ANTONIO:
I'm so excited.
I've never known anyone
who's been on TV before.
Uh, except for
my cousin, Angelo.
Is he some kind of
celebrity in Italy?
No. He was videotaped
robbing a convenience
store.
Yep.
A recording of this
once-in-a-lifetime occasion
is gonna make the perfect
Christmas gift for Roy.
Right about now,
the old VCR at home
is electronically
turning itself on
and switching
to channel 11.
Lowell, the game's
on channel 13.
Oh.
Well, that's okay.
I think I forgot to
put a tape in anyway.
I didn't miss it,
did I?
Uh, no. Saved you a seat.
Thank you.
Wow. You made great time
from Hyannis.
Yeah.
You did wait for
all the passengers,
didn't
you?
Passengers?
Look, they're driving Roy
onto the field.
Hey, hey, hey.
There he is.
HELEN:
You know, usually
the good thing
about Roy not
being here is
he's not here.
And now he's not here,
and he is still here.
Ah. Now, there's one
for the philosophers.
That's sort of like...
if I were to drink soda
out of this coffee cup,
could I still, in fact,
call it a coffee cup?
Whoa. Is anyone else
freaking out right now?
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ):
Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise and direct
your attention...
All right. Yeah,
look at him.
...where our national anthem
will be sung
by Nantucket resident,
Mr. Roy Buggins.
( all laugh )
Buggins.
Ha. Leave it to Roy to come up
with a catchy stage name.
( "The Star-Spangled Banner"
playing on stadium PA )
Oh-- Oh...
MAN ( on TV ):
Unbelievable. The guy fainted.
I mean, I've been
doing this for 17 years.
I have never seen
anything like it.
( man speaking
indistinctly on TV )
Oh, my God.
He fainted.
Laying out there flat.
Play ball.
( upbeat theme playing )
HELEN:
Well, well, well.
It's 4:00, and look who decided
to show his face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Saw you on TV
last night, Roy.
You done real good.
I've seen the, uh,
national anthem
done a lot,
but you were--
You were flat out
the best.
( all laugh )
Just shut up. I g--
I got hit with a flu bug.
HELEN: Oh.
I got a little lightheaded.
Are you sure it was
not something you ate?
You seemed to be...
choking out there.
( laughs )
It could happen to anybody.
If I had another chance,
I could knock 'em dead.
You know what? I bet you if
I told my friend what happened,
they'd let you sing it again.
I hear there's an opening
on Smelling Salts Night.
( all chuckle )
Fine. Fine. If
your lives are so boring,
that this is all you've
got to talk about, fine.
Go ahead.
I can take the heat.
Well I hope so, Roy,
'cause you're
on television again.
ROY: What?
( upbeat music playing on TV )
Last night at Fenway,
the Red Sox game was delayed
by a blackout.
Power shortage?
No. I'm talking about the guy
that came to sing
the national anthem.
( explosion )
Say hello to Roy
"Blackout" Buggins.
It's Biggins,
you jerk.
After he hit the deck, Buggins
was carted off the field
like freshly-killed game.
Nice form, Roy.
Speaking of nice form,
let's take a look
at some sparkling
defensive play
from around the world
of baseball.
Ah, here's a gem.
Routine grounder.
Easy out, right?
Wrong. What do you
think of that, Roy?
( gong resonates )
( laughs ):
Hey, Roy.
And I thought
Bush throwing up
on the Japanese
was funny.
And here's a close play.
Too close to call.
You make the call, Roy.
Out. Safe. Out. Safe. Out.
Safe. Out. Safe. Out. Safe.
He's...out.
( clicks off )
This is outrageous.
I'm gonna sue his pants off.
He can't do that.
Oh, yes, he can. You remember
when that Bruins fan
fell headfirst
onto the ice?
LOWELL:
Oh, that wasn't half as funny,
and they used that clip
for months.
HELEN:
Yeah, he got so sick
of everybody kidding him
all the time
that he lost his job,
his wife left him,
and finally he had to just
move out of state.
Hint, hint.
Well, that is not
gonna happen to me.
And do you wanna know why?
Because your wife
already left you?
No. Because I'm gonna
show that sportscaster.
I'm gonna show you.
I'm gonna show the whole
world that I can do it.
It's the only way I'll ever get
this monkey off my back.
Mark my words, heh-ho...
Roy Biggins will sing again.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Good night, Fay.
Night.
( sighs )
Uh, if you're finished
with that, could I have it?
I'm recycling.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm all for
helping out the environment.
Oh-- Well, there's that. But
I'm doing it for the money.
I can get five cents apiece
down at the market.
It's all part of my plan to pay
you back for the FAA fine.
Fay, you don't have to
pay me back.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm-- I'm glad to do it.
I figure a can here,
a stamp steamed off
an envelope there...
I should have your money
back to you in no time.
( sighs )
Fay, I wish-- I--
Ooh. Two liters.
My lucky day.
( door opens )
Helen, not so fast.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, what is it, Roy?
I'm kind of in a hurry.
I-I just got off the phone
with the Red Sox.
They said I could sing again
next Thursday night, if--
If I want to.
Oh, great.
Have a good time.
Okay, okay, Helen.
It wasn't the flu that
made me faint last night,
it was worrying about
hitting that high note.
You know:
O'er the land of the
( croaks ):
Free
I just can't get to it.
If I faint again,
I am gonna be a laughingstock
the rest of my life.
Well, it's gotten you
this far. I'd go with it.
Oh, damn it, Helen. All I need
is help hitting that one note.
You went to music school.
You're bound to know
some kind of trick.
You've got to help me.
No, I don't, Roy.
What if I buy lunch from you
every day next month?
You do that anyway.
I'll eat in my office.
Deal. Sing.
Okay. Here goes.
( clears throat )
O'er the land of the
( croaks ):
Free-e
That's your problem, Roy.
You gotta sing from
your diaphragm.
What are you talking
about? Show me.
Oh, I gotta get a life.
All right. Turn around.
Ugh.
Okay. Try it again.
O'er the land
Of the free
Ho-ho, God.
Oh, yes.
I got there,
Helen.
A-again. Again.
Oh. That was
unbelievable.
And after all
this time,
and not being able
to do it myself.
Don't worry.
Didn't see a thing.
Roy, you old dog.
You finally got her, huh?
Helen, I'm more than
a little disappointed in you.
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, yeah, these are
great seats, Brian.
Any further out
in left field,
we'd be sitting in
Lansdowne Street.
Okay. If you wanted
to see the game,
you could have watched it
on television.
But we're here to see Roy
make an ass of himself.
By my calculations,
he should be
hitting the ground
right about there.
Wow. These are
great seats.
Hey, Mattingly!
You're a bum!
BRIAN:
Helen. Helen.
You promised.
And why is it
every time we go
to a ball game,
you turn into
the fan from hell?
( honks )
I still regret
taking her
to that golf
tournament.
Hey, I'm starving.
What do you say?
Fenway Franks all around?
Sounds good.
Do it.
Uh, not for me, thanks.
I brought a jelly
sandwich.
Oh, Fay, you can't
go to a ball game
and not have a hot dog.
Well, those of us
who are watching our pennies
can't afford the luxury
of treats.
For God's sake.
Fay, I'll pay for it.
Oh, I wouldn't want to
owe you any more money
than I already do.
Uh, I don't understand.
You're not a player.
Why do you wear
a glove?
Well, Antonio,
at some point in the game,
or during batting
practice, like now,
they could just
knock one up here.
Huh.
Yeah, it's a long shot...
but...if you can go home
with a genuine
Major League baseball,
well, you've got yourself
one of the greatest
souvenirs there is.
( bat cracks )
Never have gotten one.
( all yelling )
Oh.
All right.
( hits glove )
Maybe today.
Hey. Fenway Franks.
Hey, popcorn here,
please.
Ah. I get it.
Uh, whatever they are selling,
that's what you yell out.
Yeah, that's
just about it.
Hey. Big, spongy
index finger.
Hey, Tartabull!
You swing like
a rusty gate!
Helen, the man is
holding a bat.
Hey, you guys want a beer?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Please, Joe,
allow me.
Hey, beer.
I love this.
Fay...would you
like a beer?
Oh. No, thank you.
If I get thirsty,
I'll just walk
23 sections
over to the lukewarm
water fountain
outside the smelly
men's bathroom.
Tell me when you're
going, would you?
JOE:
That is it.
You are not
paying me back.
If you do I'm gonna
throw it away.
And you're not having
a jelly sandwich.
You are having...
Hey.
...a hot dog and a beer
like a normal person.
I can see this was
all my fault.
I never should have
pointed out a mistake.
I'm sorry that I did it.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now, was that so hard?
Um...well now that
I have a little extra money,
I believe I'll
buy myself a souvenir.
Oh, allow me.
Antonio, give Fay
the finger.
Oh, thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise and direct
your attention to center field
for our national anthem.
All right.
Oh, here we go.
Whoo!
( honks horn )
Ah. Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
( honks horn )
Stop it!
ANNOUNCER:
To perform tonight,
let's welcome back
a brave trouper,
Mr. Ray Biggins.
( crowd cheering )
Give 'em hell,
Ray.
Oh, say can you see
By the dawn's early light
Isn't Roy supposed to
have fainted by now?
We hail
At the twilight's...
The bombs bursting in air
He doesn't stink.
He does not stink.
We flew all the way
to Boston to see him stink,
and he doesn't.
You know, you count on people
to come through,
and they just
break your heart.
There's still
a chance, isn't there?
Ah, Joe, Joe.
Ever the optimist.
Just wait a minute,
wait a minute.
He hasn't hit the high note yet.
Mm.
He'll be sucking sod
any minute now.
O'er the land
Of the...
( mouths ):
Free
( static crackles )
I can't hear him.
His microphone
cut out.
Of the brave
( crowd applauding, cheering )
It almost looked like
he did hit that high note.
Uh, listen, don't make it
worse than it already is.
I was counting on Roy
to totally humiliate himself.
Excuse me.
( tapping )
Wait, wait, wait.
There's still hope.
ANNOUNCER:
Thank you, Ray Biggins--
Uh, uh, it's Roy.
Uh, Roy Biggins.
And I'm not done yet.
Oh-ho-ho, there is a God.
I-I-- I had a little
trouble with the mike, but--
But I did hit that high note.
So I'd like to
prove it to you
by taking it again
from the top.
Oh, say can you see
By the dawn's early light
ANNOUNCER:
Once again, a special
thank you to Ray Biggins.
At the twi--?
And the rockets' red glare
Watch it.
Whoa! Whoa-- Ooh!
See what that security
guard just did to him?
Oh, yeah. He ought to
be able to hit that
high note now, huh?
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat piano theme playing )