Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 3 - Noses Off - full transcript

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, Fay.

I'm ready to go.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Our first flight since
the accident.

It's so nice to be back
in business.

Ah, you're telling me.

You know, I really didn't think

I would be able to get
the money together

to get that plane back
in the air.

But you did it,
and I'm proud of you.



Shall we?

Let her rip.

( sighs )

( blows )

Sandpiper Air
will now begin boarding

its flight number seven to
Provincetown through Gate 1.

As you know,
this is a very special flight

because you're the first
passengers to fly with us

since the FAA
shut down Sandpiper.

You see, the last time
our plane flew,

our pilots crashed it
into the ocean...

in-in what is, to this day,
an unexplained accident.

Uh, o-of course the insurance
company will tell you

it was all pilot error.



But, uh, personally,

I think the plane
was just too old.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, boss, your shoes
are all polished.

I think that covers everything.

Oh, except for washing
your dog, sir.

Brutus kind of snarled
and nipped at me.

Didn't I tell you to wrap
your coat around your arm

before you went
into the pen?

Oh, okay, okay. I'll--

I'll hose him down later,
while he's eating.

Put those shoes in my office
and go clean out my car.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, Roy,

you're treating
that boy like a slave!

Heh.

What's your point?

Who is he, anyway?

That's Marty.

He's a kid
from the high school.

I've started the new
Aeromass intern program.

I'm gonna teach that kid
everything I know.

What's he going to do
the second half of the day?

Oh, very cute.

Listen, I am gonna help
that young man

build a little character.

In turn, he's gonna help me
build a little tool shed.

( chuckles )

Mr. Biggins.
Hmm?

Sir, do I really have
to clean out your car?

The choice is yours, kid:

You can clean out my car
or clean out your locker.

Have you seen
the inside of his car?

If I wanted to work around stuff
I was afraid to touch,

I would have interned
with a mortician.

You know, just because
someone's older than you

doesn't mean you have to listen
to everything he says. Marty?

Y-young man,
I'm talking to you.

Is your name Hackett?
Sure is.

( grunts )
( groans )

That's for messing
with my girlfriend.

Hey, buddy, that's my brother.

You want some of this too?

But over the years
we've drifted apart,

so it's not...

Joe.
My nose!

Ooh!
I think he broke it.

I'm gonna kick his butt.

Just tell your brother
that was for Lucy Chase.

Next time he wants to have
dinner with my girlfriend

he'll get worse than that.

Oh my God, Joe,
you're bleeding.

I can't stand the sight
of blood.

I think I'm going
to faint.

Fay, you are looking
kinda pale.

Yeah, you are, Fay.
Why don't you sit down?

Hey! Hey, I'm bleeding
over here.

Yeah.

You really aren't looking
too good, either.

Here, I'd better take you
to a doctor.

Come on.
Oh, my face!

I can't believe that guy!

I don't even know
a Lucy Chase.

Yeah, well,
you wouldn't like her, Joe.

She's not really your type.

You know her?

Yeah, I had dinner
with her last night.

What? Brian!

LOWELL:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I think I've put
this together.

Both of you guys
are named Hackett.

And this guy's girlfriend went
out with a guy named Hackett.

Therefore...

Oh, never mind.

I thought I was on to something,
but it's gone now.

Oh, yeah, well,
thanks a lot, Brian.

That guy came here
to break your nose.

Yeah, I know. You're one
lucky fella, boy.

Oh, I'm lucky?
Oh, yeah.

If he knew that I stayed over
at Lucy's for breakfast

he'd have killed you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now Joe, I'm just packing your
nose with some cotton,

so breathing is gonna be
difficult for a little while.

( nasally ):
Doc, you got any painkillers

I can take home with me?

Well, actually, Joe,
I think you're past

the worst of the pain.

No, I mean for him.

When I get outta here,
I'm gonna kill him.

And then I'm gonna go after
that jerk that hit me.

And make sure you threaten him
in just that tone of voice, Joe.

And then when he-- When he's
down on the ground laughing,

you can give him
a pink belly and run.

Ha, ha.
Oh, very funny, Brian.

Very, very funny.

You know-- You know, buddy,
you're not really showing

that much gratitude here.

I could have taken you
to a clinic,

but instead I chose the best
plastic surgeon I could find.

How do you pronounce this, doc?

"University of Granayda"?
Or "Granahda"?

Huh?

Kidding! Kidding. Kidding.

It's the University
of Vermont.

Right there.
Great university.

Got a hell of a football team:

The Fighting Syrup Gatherers.

( laughs )

Joe, I wanna present you
with an option here.

Now, I can just go ahead and
finish setting the fracture.

Or, while we're at it, I could
spend a little more time

and give you a really
stunning new nose.

What's wrong
with my old nose?

Well, I think-- I think "wrong"
is an overstatement,

but there's a--
There's a bump in the bridge,

and it does throw
your face off-center.

Bump in my nose?

I don't have a bump
in my nose.

Oh, well, here, it--

It might be easier
for you to see it

on your brother's nose.

What? Wha--?
What do you mean?

This-- This little bump
right here?

Right. Although on--
On you it's, uh,

it's more pronounced.

Very simple procedure, Joe.

We can do it right here
in the office.

You're talking
about this little thing?

It's no problem at all.
I've done hundreds of these.

What do you think?

I just want my nose back
the way it was.

All right, fine.
Then I'll just finish up here.

And we will wanna keep you
still for a couple of days.

I'm afraid this is gonna throb
for a while.

You hear that, Brian?

It's gonna throb.

Hey-ey-ey, doc.
Doc, doc.

I-is-- Is this what you
were talking about before?

This little thing right here?
It's tiny.

It is now, but as you age...

Well.

You're gonna need
some cold compresses

for the swelling, Joe.

Really, you think
it's gonna grow?

Brian, the worst thing
you can do

is to become
self-conscious about it.

Either have it fixed,
or try to forget about it.

Where was I?

Oh yes, cold compresses,

and take a little
aspirin for the pain

and you'll be just fine.

Now that should--
That should do it, Joe.

You can go home.

( groans )

Okay, Brian.
I'm ready to go.

Yeah. Right.

You expect me
to go out in public

looking like this?

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Marty?

Marty?

Where in the hell
is that kid?

Now, Roy, you've been running
that poor boy ragged for weeks.

Hey, don't look
to me for sympathy.

I had to learn the airline
business the hard way.

When I started out,
I slept in hangars.

Ate pork and beans.

Did any job I could,
just to get my foot in the door.

Oh, what a crock.

You bought your way in with some
money an old uncle left you.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you make up a story
and repeat it enough times,

it starts to sound true.

HELEN:
Hi, Joe.
Hey, guys.

Look who got
his bandages off.

Yeah.
Really good job.

Oh, that nose is straight
and true as a Texas highway.

What, Lowell?

No, I was just admiring
the handiwork, Joe.

Perfect shape.
Immaculate skin tone.

It's gorgeous.

That's quite a compliment
coming from me,

I am a leg man.

Hey, Brian.
How was the flight?

Fine. Fine.

I see you got your
perfect nose back.

Aw, stop.
You're obsessing about that.

About what, Joe?

This freakish deformity
in the middle of my face?

I've lived with this
for the past two weeks.

My doctor put this idea
in his head

that there's something wrong
with his nose.

And he-- And he won't
let go of it.

The other night, I caught him
cutting noses out of magazines

and holding 'em up to his face.

I'll have you know that I've
asked lots of people,

and they all see it.

I'm so sick of hearing

about that stupid bump
on your nose.

Really? Really?
Well, you won't have to hear

about it much longer,
'cause this morning

I went over
to Dr. Lasker's office

and I picked up this pamphlet
of photographs

of famous celebrity noses,

any one of which
he can give me.

Oh, give me a break.

Brian, this is silly.

Why would you want
any part of this?

I mean to choose your nose out
of a-- Patrick Swayze?

He could give you
Patrick Swayze's nose?

Oh, God.
Look at that little nub.

You could just eat it.

Well, personally, I don't
understand this obsession

with perfect features.

If you ask me, many of the
handsomest men in the world

don't even have perfect looks.

Ah, yeah, well,
then who do you think

is the handsomest man
in the world?

Listen to this.
Who's the handsomest man?

Heh, heh. You sound like a bunch
of women at a beauty parlor.

Excuse me, ladies, I've got
better things to do.

Sylvester Stallone.

No, I don't see that at all.

And who does Joe Hackett
think is the most handsome man?

Peter Jennings.

Peter Jennings?

Peter Jennings couldn't even
hold Sly's jock.

Stallone has rugged features.

Wonderful, expressive eyes
that pull you in.

Oh, yes.

He's...very, very handsome.

Of course, not to me,
personally.

I can't believe you people are
having this conversation.

You sound pretty adamant, Roy.
W-what's wrong?

You a little insecure
about your sexuality?

I am not insecure. I am not
the least bit insecure.

Do I seem insecure?

What are you staring at?

You are sick.
You know that?

Sick and perverted.

Oh, all right. John Forsythe.

Well, if you ask me,
you guys are a long way off.

My choice for handsomest man has
got to be Mr. Tom Petty.

Tom Petty the rock star?

Excuse me, Lowell, but he is
a really gawky-looking guy.

Well, you couldn't be more
wrong, Joe.

Every time I look
into that fabulous face,

I can sense his deep
feelings and emotions

that go into his words
and music.

He's quite an attractive man.

And I'd be willing to fight any
guy who doesn't think so!

Take it easy, Lowell.

Take it easy, babe.

Brian, we have not heard
from you.

Well, ahem, I don't have any
feelings about it personally,

but, uh, you know I've slept
with a lot of women in my time,

and, uh, they seem to always
talk about somebody

very good-looking
named Kevin Costner.

Oh, I see.

So, uh, when they're in bed
with you

they're talking
about Kevin Costner?

No, not exactly that.
Oh, hey.

Well, they must be
pretty bored.

No, they're not bored.
Believe me.

They're not--
They're not bored. Okay?

No, no.

Obviously, I remind them of
Kevin Costner,

because we look
so much alike. See?

Now, that's funny.

I don't remember
Kevin Costner

having an unsightly bump
on his nose.

I knew it!

Great.
Here we go again.

Joe. Joe. Joe.

Joe, try to understand,

Brian is very sensitive
about his nose.

It's-- It's easy for you.

You...

You're already a very,
very good-looking...

Not to me.

He's right.
He's right.

I mean, you have no idea
what it's like.

Everywhere I look,
I see part of this bump.

There it is. There it is.
JOE: Come on.

Anyone can catch a piece
of their nose

if they're really
looking for it.

Not my Uncle Willy.

He lost his nose
in an industrial accident.

The great irony is, now that
he's on disability,

and has the time to stop and
smell the roses...

he can't!

Look.

I found the perfect nose.

Page seven.
The Mitch Gaylord.

Who?
Mitch Gaylord.

Huh? Olympic gymnast,
won the gold in '84.

Ah, I remember him.

Oh, yeah?
Ah, he's-- He's very muscular,

and very, very graceful.

He's very--

Excuse me.

I've got to go pick up a copy
of something with naked women.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Here you go, Mr. Biggins.

I've got your dry cleaning.

Good.
Just in time.

Now, you know
the drill, right?

You take this one back,

tell them they missed a spot

and they'll clean it
for free.

Yes, sir.

Now, Marty, this has gone
on long enough.

You need to learn
to be more assertive.

I-I want you to march back
into Roy's office

and demand that he stop taking
advantage of you.

Uh, no, no. No, ma'am.
I don't think so.

Uh, well if you won't,
I will.

Huh.
Uh, ma'am, uh, please, uh.

If there's one thing that makes
me see red, it's injustice.

Otherwise, you could pull
a hair out of my nose

and I'd still give you a smile.

( chuckles )

Now, uh, Roy.

I'm here on Marty's behalf.

Now, either you start teaching
him the business,

or he's quitting.

Fine. He's fired.
Oh, Roy!

No, no, no. I didn't really
want her to do this!

Son, you don't have the backbone
to speak up for yourself,

you don't belong at Aeromass.

You mean if I would've
asked you the same question,

you wouldn't have fired me?
No, I would have fired you,

but I would have
respected you.

No, I wouldn't.

( laughs )

Thanks a lot, lady.

You know, I was getting school
credit for doing this.

Now I'm gonna have to go
to summer school to graduate.

I hope you're happy.

You've ruined my life!

Very good, Marty.

Now, that's assertive!

Any of you guys seen Brian?

Yeah, Joe, he went--

Ah, Lowell,
Lowell, Lowell.

He told us not to say.

Oh, right.
Oh, come on.

W-what do you mean?
I need to talk to him.

Well, perhaps
we could tell him

without really
telling him.

Where's Brian?

Nobody knows.

I don't believe this.

Really? I-I thought Helen
gave him a ride

over to Dr. Lasker's.

I can't believe he's really
going through with it.

Did you say Dr. Lasker?
Yeah.

You mean old
"While we're at it" Lasker?

What do you mean?

Ah, the guy's notorious

for talkin' people
into surgery

they don't even need.

Eh, but that only
really works

on your insecure
and obsessive types.

Heh.

Your brother's
not like that, is he?

( sighs )

Lowell, tell Fay that
I'm down at Dr. Lasker's.

Joe, Joe, Joe,
Joe, be careful.

This doctor sounds
like a dangerous man.

Don't let him talk you
into anything.

You're a very good-looking man
just the way...you are.

I've got to get a date.

( upbeat music playing )

Janine,
I've given Mr. Hackett

a shot of Demerol
to relax him.

I'll begin on that procedure
just as soon as I finish

with Mrs. Tucker.

Yes, doctor.

Oh, no. I'm just waiting
for a friend

to get out of surgery.

( laughs )

Yeah. I feel really lucky.

I'm pretty happy
with everything I've got.

My eyes and my nose,

and, well, my ears
are a little large,

but I got all
this hair so who cares.

( chuckles )

Well, you're very cute.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Yeah, I just thank
my lucky stars

there's nothing you guys
can do for me.

( chuckles )

( sighs ):
Oh.

So, what's this thing
called liposuction?

It's a simple, safe
and very economical procedure

for removing excess fat.

That's exactly the way I say it
in my prayers every night.

Oh, so you'd be interested?

Well, is this doctor any good?

Oh, yes. He gave
me a breast reduction.

Lookie.

Those were reduced?

Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Sure.

Helen. Helen, we have got
to get Brian outta here.

This doctor is a quack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joe, guess what.

I'm getting
liposuction. Ah!

I've gotta get Brian.

Brian?

Yeah.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, everybody, it's Joe!

Come on. Come on,
I've gotta get you outta here.

Why?
Because this doctor

is a con man, that's why.

Oh, well, I like him.
And you know something, Joe?

I kinda like you too.
Come on, give us a kiss.

No one's looking.

( lips smacking )

What are those lines
on your face?

Oh, yuck.

Is that where he cuts?

Oh, it's pretty neat, huh?

These up here are
the doctor's idea.

I'm having my eyes done.
Yeah. Now, you see

that is exactly
what I'm talking about.

You don't need
to have your eyes done.

You don't even need to have
your nose done. Come on.

Yeah, the doctor also gave me
something to relax me.

I don't think
it's working, though.

( groans )

Come on. Let's go.

Hey-hey-hey-hey.

You know what else I can get?

A new chin
with a little cleft in it.

You don't want a cleft
in your chin.

It'll look like a little
butt on your face.

It's no problem, Joe.

I'll just grow a beard
that looks like

a little pair of pants.

What can I do
to convince you?

Uh, all right, here.

Come here.

Come here, look at yourself.

Look, you see
that nose?

Oh, how could you not?

That is Mom's nose.

That's the nose
Mom gave you.

Wow.

It really is Mom's nose.

Hi, Mommy.

You can't change that.

And you can't
change those eyes.

Those are Dad's eyes.

Daddy!

Hey, Joe.

Look at the chin!

If you just imagine spaghetti
sauce right here, it's...

( in unison ):
Uncle Larry.

There, you see?

You got the best
of everybody.

Now let's go.
Ooh, no. Stop!

Wait a second.
Just wait, wait, wait.

See, nothing belongs to me.
You know?

My face is just-- Is just
a bunch of spare parts.

See, that's why I want
Mitch Gaylord's nose.

'Cause then I'll finally
have something

I can call my very own.

Uh, th-there's nothing wrong

with being made up
of different parts.

I mean, it makes you
kinda special like, uh,

like the bionic man.

And you remember
how much you loved that?

Oh, oh, I loved that show. Oh.
That's right.

Hey, hey, do you remember the
sound the bionic man would make

when he ran in slow motion?

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Yeah. Dad used to let us
stay up late to watch it,

and then when we'd fall asleep
he'd carry us to bed. Remember?

That's right. And that's just
what I'm gonna do now.

Carry you home to bed.
Okay. No.

Ho, hey! Ho, hey, ho! You've
gotta sing the song first.

What song?

The song that Dad
used to sing

when he would
carry us to bed.

Ho, ho, yeah.
Well that was nice.

No, sing the song.

Brian, no way.
Hey, hey.

I am not moving until
you sing that damned song.

I don't wanna sing the song.
Ssssing it.

All right.

Ahem. All right.

There was a little turtle--

Noooooo.

Do the whole thing.

( sighs )

Aw, jeez.
I don't believe this.

There was a little turtle
And his name was Tom

He loved his Dad
And he loved his Mom

He had a little shell
And his shell was round

Wherever he went
He made this sound:

Let's go.

Make the sound.
Make the sound.

( sighs )

Back-a-wack a-wack-a-wack-a
Wack-a-wack-a-do

Back-a-wack a-wack-a-wack-a
I love you

I love you too, Joe.

I love...
Okay, let's--

Yeah, I love you too.

Okay. Come on.
Let's go home.

Okay.

Hey, you know what?
I should be carrying you.

After all,
I am the bionic man.

Oh!

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.
Aw!

Oh!
Oh, Joe, what did I do?

Oh! I think it's broken.
Oh.

Wow.

Those painkillers are great.

I didn't feel anything.

BRIAN:
Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu.

( upbeat theme playing )