Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Fortune Cookie - full transcript

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, I gotta
hand it to you, Lowell.

You have worked wonders
with this engine.

This thing was a mess,
and now it's...

Well, I would give anything to
have your mechanical know-how.

Ah, thanks, Joe.

I guess you know
what I most admire about you.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

I pride myself
on being a pretty fair pilot.

Oh, uh, actually
I was talking about

the way you get your hair to do
that little dip in the front.



What's your secret?

I wash my hair and let it dry.

Ah. I'll have to try that.

( mellow theme playing )

Joe, mail's here.
How's it going?

LOWELL:
Oh, great, Fay.

I'm just getting ready
to start her up.

Oh, this is
so exciting.

You know,
I was at Cape Canaveral

when they tested the first
Mercury rocket,

and it wasn't
half as memorable as this.

Of course,
I spent most of that day

in the hospitality tent doing
shooters with Deke Slayton.

So that whole day...



Okay, Lowell.
Start it up, please.

All right.
Everyone stand clear.

One,

two, three.

( engine starts )

Yeah! Yes!

( engine sputters )

LOWELL:
Wow!

I never got it
to do that before.

Uh, well-- Well, Joe,
here, uh, maybe this will help.

It's from the insurance company.
Might be the check.

Oh, God, I hope it is.
I could sure use that money.

All right.

What?

Oh, wonderful!

Sounds like good news.

After they subtracted
my deductible

and accounted for
a depreciation on the plane,

I get a grand total of $262.

Oh, that's gotta be
a mistake.

JOE:
Read it and weep.

Aw, I'm never gonna get
that plane back in the air.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

( sighs )

It's times like these

when I'm sure glad
I'm just Joe Lunchpail.

A working stiff
with no other responsibilities

than to just show up,
do my job

and collect that paycheck.

Uh, Lowell, Joe is
pretty much out of business.

I don't think
he'll be able to pay you.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, that'll teach
those people a lesson.

They are messing
with the wrong guy.

I'm gonna get
some satisfaction.

What's goin' on, Joe?

I just sent my insurance company
a blistering fax.

I got a blistering fax once.

I had it lanced.
Cleared it right up.

Well, I've never had
any trouble

with insurance people myself.

What kind of insurance
do you have?

Oh, I don't have any.

Gee, an immigrant cab driver
without insurance.

What are the odds of that?

Roy, just because
you were born here,

and you have more money
and power than I do,

does not make you
a better man than me.

Wait a minute,
this is America.

Of course it does.

You know,

I've been reading
this policy here.

So?

Are you aware that you are
insured to the hilt

for personal disability?

Brian,
I wasn't injured at all.

Yes, I know,
but they don't know that.

All we have to do
is tell them you were,

and then their
bean counters come up

with a big, fat settlement
and we take it,

and it'll be more than enough
to fix the plane.

Wait, Brian. That's ridiculous.

People just don't go around

claiming injuries
and collecting money.

Meet Mowgli, the jungle boy.

Wh--? What is this?
Your first day in civilization?

Wait, Brian,
I can't do that.

You're talking fraud here.

No, I'm talking justice.

I mean, I'm sure
you paid that company

every one of your
premiums right on time

in that winsome,
anal-compulsive way you have.

Yes.
Right, okay.

And so finally,
when you need their service,

where in the heck are they?

I can't do that.
I can't fake an injury.

I'd have to be examined
by a doctor.

Hey, man. That is no sweat.
I know a guy.

Well, I--
I-I don't know.

Helen, what do you think
of this?

I think it is
the stupidest idea

ever conceived
by two human beings

in the history of the world.

Okay, so Helen's no so sure.

You know, it's a good thing that
Joe has a little common sense,

because this is one
bonehead idea

that I don't even think
you can pull off, Brian.

You know, I don't think I need
to dignify this conversation

with any more words.

So what do you think, Joe?
Sound pretty good, huh?

In the first place,
Joe is a terrible liar.

I mean, anybody can see
he's bluffing from a mile away.

Oh, thanks
for ruining poker night.

Why am I even arguing? You're
not gonna go through with this.

This whole conversation
is pointless.

Listen, it's not like
we're being greedy.

We just want
what's coming to us.

In the second place,
insurance companies

deal with meatballs
like you two every day.

I mean, they're gonna
eat you for lunch.

Helen is right, Brian.

I-I'm dealing with this
in my own way.

I don't wanna scam anyone.

These people just need someone
to rattle their cage.

Oh-ho, Helen. Helen,
Helen, Helen. You know.

No, really, you are
the conscience of us all.

And you're plucky,
decent, honest.

You know, I-I sometimes
kinda wish that

you were my kid brother

just so I could
kick the crap outta ya.

Look, I'm just trying
to keep you two

from making the biggest mistake
of your life.

You were talking about
breaking the law.

Right. Okay. Fine.
Hey, that's fine.

Y-You wanna play
by the rules, Helen?

That is fine, okay.

That's great

behind that counter of yours,

where everything
is safe and warm,

and the change
is always correct. Okay?

But on my side of the counter--
You hear me?

--where I'm sittin'
in the real world, okay?

You gotta make up the rules
as you go along.

You have to survive on cunning
and instinct and guile, like--

Like the big cats
in the jungle.

You've got a little egg
on your shirt there, Morris.

( hisses )

Joe.

Don't even start with me, Brian.

The answer's no.

Listen, Joe,
one little back spasm--

No.
What can it hurt you?

I can't do it, Brian.
You can do things like that.

I--
It would make me feel dirty.

Ah, get over it.
I did it around the age of 8.

Really frees you up.

Joe, you just
received a fax

from the insurance company.

Now you see that,
Brian?

A few well-chosen words,

these people spring into action.

They're just not used to
having people stand up to 'em.

"In regard to your fax,
your request for a review

of your claim
has been denied."

Denied?

"Also, due to
your recent accident,

we have been forced
to raise your premium."

What?!

"As always,
it's been a pleasure

serving you as a member of
the Unified General family."

Well, that last part
is nice and polite.

I can't believe this,
damn it!

I-- I have got
a legitimate claim!

I've got rights!
I've got--

A shooting pain
in my lower back.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

HELEN:
Oh, brother!

I don't believe this.

Yeah, I'm not sure
I believe it either, Brian.

Are you sure this is
gonna stand up in court?

First of all, I don't wanna
hear the phrase "stand up"

come outta your mouth.

Second of all,
it's never gonna go to court.

They're gonna take
one look at you

and they'll decide
it's cheaper to settle.

Well, I must say
I'm a little disappointed.

I never thought
you would stoop to deception.

Fay, I am doing this
for all of us.

If I don't have a plane,
you don't have a job.

The only thing that matters
is to get you well again.

Joe, I can't believe you let him
talk you into this.

This is fraud. Do you know
you could go to prison for this?

Don't listen to her, Joe.

Well, you'd better
listen to me,

because you two boys
would not like it in prison.

Especially you, Joe,
with those choirboy looks.

You're gonna be
the belle of the ball.

Joe, I heard about your injury.

What a tragedy.

Here, I brought you this
from my cab.

It makes sitting easier.

Thank you, Antonio.

It's a little slippery at first,

but once you learn
how to grip it, it's--

It's like a second skin.

And, Joe, from now on,

whenever you
need to go anywhere,

any hour of the day or night,
you call on me.

I appreciate that.

Except weekends,
of course.

And Wednesdays either.
That's my day off.

I'll remember that.

I'd rather you didn't
call me on Fridays.

That's my busiest day.
That's okay.

And if I have a date, uh,

it would be awkward
having you in the cab.

Well, I--

I can't plan
my entire week around you!

I'm sorry for your troubles,
but it's not my fault.

Hey, Hackett. Ohh.

Glad to see
you finally wised up.

I hope you
take 'em to the cleaners.

But if you're gonna do it,
you've gotta do it right.

The collar should go like this.

Hey, no. Roy, Roy,
it's not like that at all--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are talking to the master
of the insurance scam.

What do you mean?

I've got this little switch
on my dashboard

that disconnects
my brake lights.

Every time there's a Mercedes
or a BMW behind me,

I throw that switch,
slam on the brakes

and cash a check.

I know what you're thinking.
Heh-heh-heh.

And I don't care.

Brian, I'm starting to have
second thoughts about this.

We're sinking
to Roy's level.

Oh, no, we are not.

We're not in this for profit.
We just want fair play.

Yeah, but--
But we're cheating to get it.

No, Joe,
we're striking a blow.

For all the victims,

for all the little people

who ever got stiffed
by big companies.

The man on the street,

the factory worker,

the farmer.

You're Everyman, Joe Hackett.

( "America the Beautiful"
playing )

Takin' on the system.

David slaying Goliath.

Mr. Deeds Goes to Town.

Mr. Smith Goes to--

What the hell is that?

Oh, sorry.

( shuts off music )

I never miss
the Patriot Hour.

The music
really tears me up.

There's a strange
little man out there,

says he has
an appointment with you.

Oh, great.
That'll be Lenny.

Show him in.
He's our doctor.

If you say so.

Our doctor's name is Lenny?

I'm not being examined
by any Dr. Lenny.

Just relax, Joe. Just need him
to fill in some forms.

Ah, doctor.
Thank God you're here.

It's my job.

You know, a lot of
my fellow physicians,

they don't make
house calls anymore.

But me? I took an oath to serve.

Now you--
You turn your head and cough.

No! No, you see--

It's not me.
It's not me.

There's the patient
right there.

He was in an airplane crash,

and he lost the use
of his legs.

Ahh.

What do you think caused it?

The ground.

Now, don't complain, you know.
You're lucky to be alive.

I wish more of my patients were.

Brian, where did you find
this guy?

Oh, I met him the other night
at the Club Car.

He was dancing for change.

Here.

You take one of these every,
uh, four hours.

I don't want a pill.

Come on.
Don't be frightened.

Here, see?
I'll have one with you.

Brian?

No. No,
thank you very much.

We just need you to examine Joe
for an insurance claim.

Can do.

Doesn't that stuff get dirty?

Hey,
if I was scared of germs

I never would have
gone into medicine.

Okay, so you say
it's affected his legs, huh?

Mm-hm.
Oh.

I don't like the sound
of that. Could be serious.

How serious?

How much you asking?

Enough for a new plane.

Very serious.

Now, do you suffer
from dizzy spells?

No.

Huh. Me neither.

I find them relaxing.

Uh, double vision,
night sweats,

shortness of breath?
Mm-mm.

Joe, you're not trying.

LENNY:
Dry mouth?

Water retention?

Menstrual cramps?

Uh, let me have this.
Okay, now, uh, listen.

What we really need is a letter
stating that the patient

is permanently incapacitated.

Well,
why didn't you say so?

I've got hundreds of those.

They're all pre-signed too.
Here.

You just fill those out,

and you send it in
to your company.

I told you
he'd come through, huh?

You know,
I would fill it out myself,

but, uh, my hand,

it shakes like a wet dog.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, oh, uh, Brian.

I just got a message
from the insurance company.

The adjuster's
on the way over.

Okay.

Uh-- Uh, do you think Joe's

really gonna be able
to pull this thing off?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No sweat.

He was a little shaky

the last few days but, uh,

I think I got him
turned around.

He's been in there rehearsing
his performance all day.

He's got this down pat.

Hey, Joey, the, uh--

Joe. Joe, what is--?

Joey!

I can't do this, Brian.
There's no way.

I can't do it.
Come on.

Yes, you can!
No.

No, see, you've got it
backwards, now, see?

You're in the wheelchair,
and it's this you can't do:

See?

Okay?

No, no, no.
I'll never be able to--

Yes you will! Yes you will!

No, because
you're great at this!

I'll never forget that
performance you did

in the third grade
science pageant.

You were Louis Pasteur.

FAY:
Joe.

Joe! Get in that--

No, I can't!
No, I can't!

You have to!
The deal is off.

Hey, we need the plane!

I cannot
go through with this.

Get in that chair.

Get in th-- Get in it.
Get-- Get in it!

I'll do it myself.

What? What're you doing?

Listen, we already
filed the claim.

Joe Hackett is supposed to be
numb from the waist down.

Somebody's gotta
convince this guy.

Send him in.

Well, actually,
it's a her.

Whatever.

Mr. Hackett?

I'm Susan Benson
of Unified General.

And I'm so terribly sorry
about your disability.

Me too.

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm sorry for that display.

I'm usually
not this emotional.

That's quite all right,
Mr. Hackett.

You have every right.

Please, call me Brian.

Uh, he means Joe.

That's right.
I'm Brian.

That's right. 'Cause he's Brian,
and it's a joke.

We like to joke around
switching names.

Oh, yeah,
Joe's always joking.

Yeah. Brian.

I'm amazed you even
have a sense of humor

after what
you've been through.

Well...

Yeah, he's a trooper.

Yeah.

I, on the other hand,
am 100 percent A-okay.

Yes, yes...

But she's not here
to talk about you, Brian.

Why not? It affects me too.

I can't tell you
how deeply it pains me

to know my brother's
only half a man.

More like nine-tenths,
really.

You see? Denial.

But I get stronger
every day. I mean--

I can't tell you how much
it breaks my heart to know

that I'll never hear any little
children call me Uncle Brian.

Oh, well, I guess
I'll just have to make up for it

by being twice the man
for both of us.

Well,
if you don't mind,

I have just a few questions
to ask your brother,

and then I'll be on my way.

Now, I've received
your medical reports,

and it says here that

you have no movement
or feeling from the waist down.

Is that correct?

Well, the nights tend
to be better than the days,

but basically, no.

And you're unable to perform
your duties as a pilot?

I'm afraid not.

I don't think there's any sense
putting you through all this.

As far as I'm concerned
there should be no problem

reaching a settlement.

I think you can expect a check
in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for your time,
gentlemen.

Thank you.
Great, thanks.

BRIAN:
Thank you.

BOTH:
Yes!!

Brian, I am so sorry. I never
should have doubted you.

( knocking on door )

SUSAN:
Mr. Hackett?

No, no, no!
No, me!

( clears throat )

Come in.

Uh, excuse me,

but I just realized that
there's just one other thing

that I needed
to talk to you about.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to do it in private.

I'll be right outside
if you need me.

Mr. Hackett.

Yes?

When you have a job like mine
you see a lot of tragedy,

The only way
to deal with it

is to maintain a certain degree
of objectivity.

However, I'm finding that
rather difficult in your case.

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's all right, my dear.
You're only human.

It's just that,
you're about my age.

The kind of guy that
I might have been dating if,

well, if we'd met
under other circumstances.

Well, might still. They can
work wonders these days.

I'm just not
cut out for this job.

You know, the company should
just send somebody older.

Someone
who wouldn't care that

you're young...

...and handsome.

Who wouldn't be...

Oh, Joe, I shouldn't be
saying these things to you.

No, no, no.
Say, say...

Say, and force yourself.

Who wouldn't be having

these incredible fantasies
about you, Joe.

Oh, Joe,
I can't help myself!

( breathes heavily )

Oh, uh...

My God!

Your kisses cured me!

It's a miracle!

Special investigator,
Fraudulent Claims Division.

( door opens )

Can I come in now?

My God! You're cured!

It's a miracle!

We're busted, okay?

Damn it, Brian!
I knew it wouldn't work.

This is all his fault.

See, I don't do things
like this.

You're talking to a guy
that doesn't break the rules.

I mean,
I stop for traffic lights

at 3:00 in the morning.

When the soda machine
gives me too much change,

I put it back in.

You see,
I am the good brother.

He is the bad brother.

SUSAN:
Save it.

You both disgust me.

It will be a pleasure
to prosecute you two

to the fullest extent
of the law.

Please, isn't there
something that we can do?

Yes.

Get yourselves
a good attorney.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Not to worry, see?
'Cause I have a plan.

Oh, shut up, Brian!

I'm sick of your plans.
We're going to jail.

We're gonna be arrested.
We've gotta get a lawyer.

Oh, no! I've got it!
I've got it, see?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
that Lenny is a lawyer.

Actually, I-I'm positive
he's an ordained minister.

HELEN:
Hey, what's going on?

What are you doin'?
Aah!

What do you think?
What does it look like?

We got caught, okay?
Oh, my God!

I told you not to do this.
I begged you not to do this.

Now what are you
gonna do?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't know!

Maybe we just throw ourselves
on the mercy of the court?

You said we'd never even
have to go to court!

All right! All right!
All right.

Let's just
think this thing through.

Maybe you two
should get out of here.

Okay, let's go.
Whoa, whoa!

That would look suspicious.

Right. Bad idea.
Helen, help us here.

I'm thinking.
Joe, I'm thinking.

Well, I do have a friend
that I could call.

Then do it, please.
Do it right now.

Please make the call.
We are desperate.

Just do it!
All right, I will.

Susan?

( laughing )

That's amazing!

All right,
that's right.

Yeah, okay, fine.
You got us.

So, uh, you two
know each other?

Yes, this is Susan.
Susan, Brian, Joe.

Nice to meet you.

She went to music school
with me in New York.

So you're not really
the claims adjuster.

My brother, folks.
Nothing gets by him.

So I'm not devious enough
for you, eh?

Okay, that's great.

So I don't know
what it's like in the real world

with the big cats?

You win, okay? You win.

How dare you do this to us?

What do you mean,
how dare I do this to you?

I saved both your butts.

If it weren't for me, you two
would be going to prison.

Oh, my God!
We might still be.

We gave Fay that medical form
and told her to mail it.

I'm way ahead of you. Fay's been
in on this from the beginning.

( sighs )

What can I say?
Helen, thank you.

You're welcome.

And Susan, thank you.

No, no, no, no, really.
No, no, stop.

But it--
It is funny, though.

Don't you see
what just happened here?

You were lying.
I was lying.

Don't you think we should be
off somewhere lying together?

Is he for real?

Oh, you just don't know him.
He thinks that's charming.

I'll catch you outside, hon.
Oh, okay.

Well...

I guess
you two yo-yos realize

how stupid
that little scam was.

You know, the insurance company
never would have bought that.

And you two
would have been in hot water.

( knocking on door )

Hackett.
I just want you to know,

that insurance company of yours
is a real class act.

They already paid me
for the claim I filed.

What?

Well, I went down
in your plane.

Someone has to pay
for the pain I've suffered.

With this kind of money

I'll be walking again
in no time.

Hey, what do you know?

Bye!

( upbeat theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )