Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Houseguest - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Roger, Boston tower.
This is Nevada 121 Papa Papa
on final approach.
Oh, man. This is great,
flying to Boston to see
Springsteen in concert.
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
Oh, man! We owe it
all to Lowell.
He is the man
that snaked those tickets.
That's right.
That's right.
It's not often somebody's
willing to pay scalpers' prices.
But this is to see
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
Oh.
Hottest tickets in town.
We're in the fourth row.
Can you believe it?
Hey, think
he'll dance with me, Joe?
Well, maybe. After all,
we are talking about--
Springsteen!
Bruce!
You guys remember
at Helen's counter
when you told me
to take out the tickets
and make sure I had them?
Aeromass Flight 19 to Boston
is now boarding.
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
( upbeat theme playing )
Please.
She only went out with you
'cause she pities you.
Listen, Joe, I've gotten many
things in my life out of pity.
Doesn't make them
any less pleasurable.
BRIAN:
Oh, God.
( gags ):
Oh, God.
God. Just--
Just go in the office.
Go in the office. Just go in.
Why?
BRIAN: Don't even ask. Don't--
JOE: Oh, my God. No, Fay--
Don't look over there.
W-what's going on?
Roy's not cleaning his ears
again, is he?
Worse. Fay, do you remember that
incredibly irritating old man
who conned us into flying
cross-country?
The one who asks
all the annoying questions?
Carlton Blanchard's sitting
right over there.
Can I ask you a question?
"For Pete's sake," uh,
"for the love of Mike,"
"heavens to Betsy,"
who are all these people?
( chuckles ):
Hey, Carlton.
Carlton Blanchard.
Hey, you guys,
it's Carlton Blanchard.
Ah, heh-heh, great.
Now he's coming over here.
Joe, fire Lowell.
Okay.
Howdy-do, fellas.
Hey.
Miss Cochran.
I haven't seen you boys
since we took our trip.
A lot of memories, huh?
Yes, but if I drink enough
and leave a light on,
I can almost sleep through
the night.
That brings up
an interesting question.
If you have a nightmare
during the day,
what do you call it?
I'll let you know as soon
as this one's over.
Aeromass flight 12
from New York
is now arriving at Gate 1.
Hot diggity.
That's my son's flight.
You're meeting your son here.
Oh, yes.
I'm very excited.
He so rarely visits.
Well, go figure.
Ah, what a great day.
I found my grandfather's ring
that I thought I had lost,
my first fare
gives me a $50 tip,
and a beautiful woman asks me
for my phone number.
Nothing, nothing can go wrong
for Antonio this day.
Hey there, Angelo.
He's back.
Oh, my God.
( chuckles )
Oh, my God.
Roy, I got five out of six
numbers on the lottery.
D-do you know what this means?
I won $25,000.
Good for you.
Now get back to work.
I don't think so.
Not today, big boy.
'Cause today I've got
25,000 presidents in my pocket
who've all been dying
to say something to you
for a long time.
You're over-bearing.
You're obnoxious.
You're rude.
That's last week's paper.
But overshadowing it all
is your generous,
forgiving nature.
Why, if you were a woman,
I'd kiss you on the lips.
Heh-heh. But ain't nobody
makin' that mistake.
Oh, Mr. Blanchard.
Hi, how are you?
Oh, tired and in constant pain.
Thanks for asking.
Where's your son?
He couldn't make it.
Guess he's too busy to celebrate
his old dad's birthday.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm used to it.
He didn't even have time
to come to visit me
when I had my bypass surgery.
You mean someone saved his life
on purpose?
Well, it's only
my 70th birthday.
It's not exactly a milestone.
I guess I'll just go home
and shove a candle in a cupcake.
Are you gonna be all alone?
Same as every year.
Bye.
You know what we should do?
We should throw him
a birthday party.
No, no, Helen.
Oh, no.
No.
Helen, don't. Don't. No.
You have no idea.
I cannot believe how selfish
you're all being.
I mean,
it's his 70th birthday.
Who knows
if he'll make it to 71?
Yes. Who knows?
Uh, I'll go, Helen.
Thank you, Fay.
Lowell, how about you?
Absolutely.
I like him.
Antonio?
( sighs )
Couldn't I just sign the card?
All right.
Good.
Guys?
Well...
I'll go if Brian does.
Yeah, okay.
I'll go.
What? I only said that
because I thought
you wouldn't go.
I gave you the signal
and everything.
( upbeat theme playing )
Boy. It's hard to believe
that Carlton's turning 70.
Phew. Can you imagine
all he's lived through?
1920s.
1930s.
1940s.
Lowell.
'50s.
'60s.
Lowell.
'70s, '80s, '90s.
Okay, everybody, here they come.
Uh, quiet.
HELEN:
I told you I don't know.
Well, think about it.
If it's neither here nor there,
where the hell is it?
ALL:
Surprise!
Jiminy Cricket.
You nearly scared me to death.
Perhaps he could enter again
so we could get it right.
What are you people
doing here?
Well, we're here to celebrate
your birthday.
A birthday party?
Oh, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Where are the presents?
Well, we threw it together
so fast
we really didn't have a chance
to get you any.
You had time to get balloons.
So happy birthday, Carlton.
It's good to see you again.
Who are you, anyway?
I'm Lowell. Lowell Mather.
Mather, Mather.
Would you by any chance
be related to Jeanette Mather?
Uh, yeah, she's my great aunt.
Do you know her?
Oh, I practically married her.
But you know what they say.
"Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?"
( laughs )
( upbeat theme playing )
That's seventeen questions.
Three more to go.
Was he married?
Yes.
Two more to go.
Is it my turn?
Yes.
One more to go.
( sighs ):
All right.
Uh, was this person
a politician?
No.
That's twenty questions.
I win!
Okay, who was it?
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
But when-- When-- When--
When-- When-- When--
When Brian asked you
if he was a politician,
you said no.
Well, I was afraid
that would give it away.
Uh, Helen, don't you have to get
up early tomorrow to do that,
uh, uh, thing
that you have to do tomorrow?
Little thing...
What?
The thing...
Oh, the thing that I have to do
tomorrow?
Yeah, uh, boy,
we'd better call it a night.
I've got this thing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the party's over already?
I've hardly had any excitement.
( gasps )
How's that?
( laughs ):
Well...
Okay, you bunch
of party poopers.
But, uh, I've got to visit
the little birthday boy's room
before I go.
Okay, it's upstairs.
Oh, that's convenient.
Hey. What are you all doing?
Ditching the old man
while his pants are down.
Wait.
It's dark up here.
Where's the light switch?
It's on the wall.
You can't leave me here alone
with him.
I don't see it.
( thumping )
Aaaagh!
( groaning )
Well, happy birthday, Carlton.
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh.
My ankle really,
really hurts.
Yeah, well,
you heard what the doctor said.
It's just a mild sprain.
In a couple days you'll be
as good as...
You'll be your old self again.
Okay. Let's get you home.
Well, my leg feels
like hot pins are going into it.
And I'm very thirsty.
Okay. I'll just get you
something to drink first.
I think I have some grape juice.
Actually I'm allergic to that.
Okay. How about some diet soda?
Oh, carbonation doesn't agree
with me.
Milk?
Ah!
I am lactose intolerant.
I had a terrible time
at my mother's breast.
Oh, God. I just pictured that.
Ow!
Look, Carlton, I really think
you should call your son
so he can come home
and take care of you.
He's too busy with his fancy
New York law firm.
Besides, he'd take one look
at this,
and he'd smell a lawsuit.
A lawsuit?
Well, I did fall
on your property,
in front of five witnesses.
Carlton, you'd take me to court?
Not me, my son,
Carlton Jr.
Believe me, I'm not proud
of that barracuda
that sprang from these loins.
And just when I got the picture
of you breast-feeding
out of my mind.
Look, um, why don't you
stay here for the night?
Well, if you insist.
But I don't want to be
an inconvenience.
Oh, no, you won't be
an inconvenience.
I'll just make the sofa for you.
Oh, so you get the good bed?
Well, it's upstairs.
Oh, that's right,
and you'd have to carry me up.
Hm.
The couch will be fine.
( upbeat theme playing )
A week, Joe. A week.
The doctor said
he was supposed to be
on his feet after
two days,
and he's still on his back
after a week.
This guy's driving me nuts.
The house is always too cold.
He needs his food cut
in tiny little bite-size pieces.
Oh, and don't get me started
on those questions.
( imitating Carlton ):
"Why do you suppose this?
And why do you suppose that?"
Here's a radical suggestion.
Why don't you just ship him home
to his family?
I can't.
If his son finds out
that Carlton fell
on my property,
he'll sue me
for everything I've got.
I could lose
this lunch counter.
That would be a good name
for this place,
"The Lose-Your-Lunch Counter."
( beeping )
Carlton, leave me alone.
Oh, he got you a beeper?
He wanted to reach me
in case of an emergency.
All right, what is it,
Carlton?
( chuckles )
No, now I don't think
this is an emergency.
Okay. I'll get you some
on the way home.
All right. Bye-bye.
How much trail mix
can one man eat?
I'm really losing my mind here.
You guys have got to help me.
I just can't do it by myself.
Please.
You see, I...
Well, how could I...
( muttering )
I don't believe this.
If any of you needed anything,
I'm always there for you.
I ask for one simple favor,
and you act like I'm asking
for your kidney.
That you could have.
Fine.
Oh, wait a minute, Helen.
Uh, I can help out.
All right.
Thank you, Fay.
Uh, and I just drive around
all day in my cab,
so I suppose I could run
an errand or two.
Thank you, Antonio.
Well, I don't know what more
you expect from me.
I went over there last night and
gave old Carlton a sponge bath.
No, you didn't.
You're at 614 Elm, right?
No, I'm at 612 Elm.
Whew.
Okay, what about you guys?
Are you gonna help me?
Well, uh...
I'll do it if you will.
Um, yeah, okay.
I'll do it.
Damn it!
You missed my signal again.
W-we need a new system.
This isn't working at all.
( upbeat theme playing )
What is this?
Well, that couch of yours
is like a rock.
So I rented this for a month.
( sighs )
They'll bill you.
( phone ringing )
I'm not here.
Fay, watch him.
( chuckles ):
Hello.
Hello.
Empty!
Empty!
Why are you doing that?
It's annoying.
Oh, that's right.
You're new.
That's my signal to indicate
that my glass is empty.
Well, Carlton,
the pitcher's right here.
Empty!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, one favor, please.
Would you mind cranking me up
a little?
All right.
( chuckles )
You thought I meant the bed.
You realize I could snap you
like a twig.
Tease, tease, tease.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
Where did Fay go?
All right, what'd you say
to her?
Nothing.
One minute she's fine,
the next minute she's bitter
as a pill.
Which reminds me,
my ankle is beginning
to throb.
Well, take your pill.
I'd love to but, heh-heh...
Empty!
( doorbell rings )
I have the old man's cats.
You didn't ask me if you could
bring your cats here, Carlton.
I can't bear the thought
of my little pussy-wussies
being left all alone.
Well, see ya.
No, Antonio, listen.
I've got to go
run some errands,
and he doesn't like
to be alone at night.
I-I already brought the cats.
Look, Jake, you owe me.
I married you so immigration
wouldn't kick your butt
out of this country.
You equate that
with being alone with him?
It's time for somebody
to rub my feet.
You're on. See ya.
( sighs )
Please.
( speaking in Italian )
Hurry up.
Ohhh.
That's nice.
Say, Angelo,
do you know the song,
"That's Amore"?
Yes.
Well, if the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie,
how do you think a doorknob
would feel?
I don't know.
Well, try this.
If we were derived
from the kangaroo
instead of the monkey,
do you suppose we'd still need
pockets in our pants?
( whimpers ):
I don't know.
Well, here's another.
Can a man catch
a fungal infection
just by touching a man
on his foot?
Ugh!
You disgusting old man.
Hear me now, Blanchard.
If you tell Helen
that I left early,
I will track you down
and I will kill you.
MAN ( on TV ):
As this latest frontal system
moves through our area--
( rock music playing
on TV )
Antonio, I forgot--
( TV silences )
What are you doing?
Well, I was feeling better
so I thought
I'd try to see
if I could actually take
a few steps.
You were dancing.
Oh, if only.
You nasty little leprechaun.
I don't believe this.
I am so gullible.
They warned me about you,
and I didn't believe 'em.
I didn't do any harm.
Oh, you didn't do any harm?
I've been scared all week
that your son was gonna
drag me into court.
I wouldn't take you to court.
I couldn't.
You see, I, uh,
kind of exaggerated
about my son.
Oh, he's not a lawyer,
is he?
I don't have a son.
What?
I don't have any children.
That I know of.
( laughs )
Then what were you doing
at the airport?
Well, it was my birthday
and, uh,
I had such a good time
with those fellas--
That you thought you would con
us into throwing you a party.
And you faked falling down
the stairs.
Oh, no, I did fall down
the stairs.
You wanna see the bruises?
Don't you dare.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
But, you see, most people
aren't nice to me
unless I pay them
or trick them.
Look, you don't have to do that.
So look, from now on,
if you want something from me,
just ask me.
Oh. In that case,
could I stay here
a little longer?
I'd rather be thrown naked
into a Turkish prison.
Is that a no?
( upbeat theme playing )
All right, Carlton,
all your cats are loaded up
and ready to go.
All eight of them?
Let's see. One, two, three,
four, five, eight.
Yeah, they're all here.
Okay. Bye, Carlton.
Come on, Carlton, let me--
Let me take that.
No, no, I--
No, no, please, let me take it.
I said, no.
Would you let me--?
Oh, fine.
Ow!
It's my hip.
Helen.
Oh, no.
You break him, you take him.
Helen. Helen.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Roger, Boston tower.
This is Nevada 121 Papa Papa
on final approach.
Oh, man. This is great,
flying to Boston to see
Springsteen in concert.
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
Oh, man! We owe it
all to Lowell.
He is the man
that snaked those tickets.
That's right.
That's right.
It's not often somebody's
willing to pay scalpers' prices.
But this is to see
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
Oh.
Hottest tickets in town.
We're in the fourth row.
Can you believe it?
Hey, think
he'll dance with me, Joe?
Well, maybe. After all,
we are talking about--
Springsteen!
Bruce!
You guys remember
at Helen's counter
when you told me
to take out the tickets
and make sure I had them?
Aeromass Flight 19 to Boston
is now boarding.
Springsteen!
Bruce!
The Boss!
( upbeat theme playing )
Please.
She only went out with you
'cause she pities you.
Listen, Joe, I've gotten many
things in my life out of pity.
Doesn't make them
any less pleasurable.
BRIAN:
Oh, God.
( gags ):
Oh, God.
God. Just--
Just go in the office.
Go in the office. Just go in.
Why?
BRIAN: Don't even ask. Don't--
JOE: Oh, my God. No, Fay--
Don't look over there.
W-what's going on?
Roy's not cleaning his ears
again, is he?
Worse. Fay, do you remember that
incredibly irritating old man
who conned us into flying
cross-country?
The one who asks
all the annoying questions?
Carlton Blanchard's sitting
right over there.
Can I ask you a question?
"For Pete's sake," uh,
"for the love of Mike,"
"heavens to Betsy,"
who are all these people?
( chuckles ):
Hey, Carlton.
Carlton Blanchard.
Hey, you guys,
it's Carlton Blanchard.
Ah, heh-heh, great.
Now he's coming over here.
Joe, fire Lowell.
Okay.
Howdy-do, fellas.
Hey.
Miss Cochran.
I haven't seen you boys
since we took our trip.
A lot of memories, huh?
Yes, but if I drink enough
and leave a light on,
I can almost sleep through
the night.
That brings up
an interesting question.
If you have a nightmare
during the day,
what do you call it?
I'll let you know as soon
as this one's over.
Aeromass flight 12
from New York
is now arriving at Gate 1.
Hot diggity.
That's my son's flight.
You're meeting your son here.
Oh, yes.
I'm very excited.
He so rarely visits.
Well, go figure.
Ah, what a great day.
I found my grandfather's ring
that I thought I had lost,
my first fare
gives me a $50 tip,
and a beautiful woman asks me
for my phone number.
Nothing, nothing can go wrong
for Antonio this day.
Hey there, Angelo.
He's back.
Oh, my God.
( chuckles )
Oh, my God.
Roy, I got five out of six
numbers on the lottery.
D-do you know what this means?
I won $25,000.
Good for you.
Now get back to work.
I don't think so.
Not today, big boy.
'Cause today I've got
25,000 presidents in my pocket
who've all been dying
to say something to you
for a long time.
You're over-bearing.
You're obnoxious.
You're rude.
That's last week's paper.
But overshadowing it all
is your generous,
forgiving nature.
Why, if you were a woman,
I'd kiss you on the lips.
Heh-heh. But ain't nobody
makin' that mistake.
Oh, Mr. Blanchard.
Hi, how are you?
Oh, tired and in constant pain.
Thanks for asking.
Where's your son?
He couldn't make it.
Guess he's too busy to celebrate
his old dad's birthday.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm used to it.
He didn't even have time
to come to visit me
when I had my bypass surgery.
You mean someone saved his life
on purpose?
Well, it's only
my 70th birthday.
It's not exactly a milestone.
I guess I'll just go home
and shove a candle in a cupcake.
Are you gonna be all alone?
Same as every year.
Bye.
You know what we should do?
We should throw him
a birthday party.
No, no, Helen.
Oh, no.
No.
Helen, don't. Don't. No.
You have no idea.
I cannot believe how selfish
you're all being.
I mean,
it's his 70th birthday.
Who knows
if he'll make it to 71?
Yes. Who knows?
Uh, I'll go, Helen.
Thank you, Fay.
Lowell, how about you?
Absolutely.
I like him.
Antonio?
( sighs )
Couldn't I just sign the card?
All right.
Good.
Guys?
Well...
I'll go if Brian does.
Yeah, okay.
I'll go.
What? I only said that
because I thought
you wouldn't go.
I gave you the signal
and everything.
( upbeat theme playing )
Boy. It's hard to believe
that Carlton's turning 70.
Phew. Can you imagine
all he's lived through?
1920s.
1930s.
1940s.
Lowell.
'50s.
'60s.
Lowell.
'70s, '80s, '90s.
Okay, everybody, here they come.
Uh, quiet.
HELEN:
I told you I don't know.
Well, think about it.
If it's neither here nor there,
where the hell is it?
ALL:
Surprise!
Jiminy Cricket.
You nearly scared me to death.
Perhaps he could enter again
so we could get it right.
What are you people
doing here?
Well, we're here to celebrate
your birthday.
A birthday party?
Oh, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Where are the presents?
Well, we threw it together
so fast
we really didn't have a chance
to get you any.
You had time to get balloons.
So happy birthday, Carlton.
It's good to see you again.
Who are you, anyway?
I'm Lowell. Lowell Mather.
Mather, Mather.
Would you by any chance
be related to Jeanette Mather?
Uh, yeah, she's my great aunt.
Do you know her?
Oh, I practically married her.
But you know what they say.
"Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?"
( laughs )
( upbeat theme playing )
That's seventeen questions.
Three more to go.
Was he married?
Yes.
Two more to go.
Is it my turn?
Yes.
One more to go.
( sighs ):
All right.
Uh, was this person
a politician?
No.
That's twenty questions.
I win!
Okay, who was it?
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
But when-- When-- When--
When-- When-- When--
When Brian asked you
if he was a politician,
you said no.
Well, I was afraid
that would give it away.
Uh, Helen, don't you have to get
up early tomorrow to do that,
uh, uh, thing
that you have to do tomorrow?
Little thing...
What?
The thing...
Oh, the thing that I have to do
tomorrow?
Yeah, uh, boy,
we'd better call it a night.
I've got this thing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the party's over already?
I've hardly had any excitement.
( gasps )
How's that?
( laughs ):
Well...
Okay, you bunch
of party poopers.
But, uh, I've got to visit
the little birthday boy's room
before I go.
Okay, it's upstairs.
Oh, that's convenient.
Hey. What are you all doing?
Ditching the old man
while his pants are down.
Wait.
It's dark up here.
Where's the light switch?
It's on the wall.
You can't leave me here alone
with him.
I don't see it.
( thumping )
Aaaagh!
( groaning )
Well, happy birthday, Carlton.
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh.
My ankle really,
really hurts.
Yeah, well,
you heard what the doctor said.
It's just a mild sprain.
In a couple days you'll be
as good as...
You'll be your old self again.
Okay. Let's get you home.
Well, my leg feels
like hot pins are going into it.
And I'm very thirsty.
Okay. I'll just get you
something to drink first.
I think I have some grape juice.
Actually I'm allergic to that.
Okay. How about some diet soda?
Oh, carbonation doesn't agree
with me.
Milk?
Ah!
I am lactose intolerant.
I had a terrible time
at my mother's breast.
Oh, God. I just pictured that.
Ow!
Look, Carlton, I really think
you should call your son
so he can come home
and take care of you.
He's too busy with his fancy
New York law firm.
Besides, he'd take one look
at this,
and he'd smell a lawsuit.
A lawsuit?
Well, I did fall
on your property,
in front of five witnesses.
Carlton, you'd take me to court?
Not me, my son,
Carlton Jr.
Believe me, I'm not proud
of that barracuda
that sprang from these loins.
And just when I got the picture
of you breast-feeding
out of my mind.
Look, um, why don't you
stay here for the night?
Well, if you insist.
But I don't want to be
an inconvenience.
Oh, no, you won't be
an inconvenience.
I'll just make the sofa for you.
Oh, so you get the good bed?
Well, it's upstairs.
Oh, that's right,
and you'd have to carry me up.
Hm.
The couch will be fine.
( upbeat theme playing )
A week, Joe. A week.
The doctor said
he was supposed to be
on his feet after
two days,
and he's still on his back
after a week.
This guy's driving me nuts.
The house is always too cold.
He needs his food cut
in tiny little bite-size pieces.
Oh, and don't get me started
on those questions.
( imitating Carlton ):
"Why do you suppose this?
And why do you suppose that?"
Here's a radical suggestion.
Why don't you just ship him home
to his family?
I can't.
If his son finds out
that Carlton fell
on my property,
he'll sue me
for everything I've got.
I could lose
this lunch counter.
That would be a good name
for this place,
"The Lose-Your-Lunch Counter."
( beeping )
Carlton, leave me alone.
Oh, he got you a beeper?
He wanted to reach me
in case of an emergency.
All right, what is it,
Carlton?
( chuckles )
No, now I don't think
this is an emergency.
Okay. I'll get you some
on the way home.
All right. Bye-bye.
How much trail mix
can one man eat?
I'm really losing my mind here.
You guys have got to help me.
I just can't do it by myself.
Please.
You see, I...
Well, how could I...
( muttering )
I don't believe this.
If any of you needed anything,
I'm always there for you.
I ask for one simple favor,
and you act like I'm asking
for your kidney.
That you could have.
Fine.
Oh, wait a minute, Helen.
Uh, I can help out.
All right.
Thank you, Fay.
Uh, and I just drive around
all day in my cab,
so I suppose I could run
an errand or two.
Thank you, Antonio.
Well, I don't know what more
you expect from me.
I went over there last night and
gave old Carlton a sponge bath.
No, you didn't.
You're at 614 Elm, right?
No, I'm at 612 Elm.
Whew.
Okay, what about you guys?
Are you gonna help me?
Well, uh...
I'll do it if you will.
Um, yeah, okay.
I'll do it.
Damn it!
You missed my signal again.
W-we need a new system.
This isn't working at all.
( upbeat theme playing )
What is this?
Well, that couch of yours
is like a rock.
So I rented this for a month.
( sighs )
They'll bill you.
( phone ringing )
I'm not here.
Fay, watch him.
( chuckles ):
Hello.
Hello.
Empty!
Empty!
Why are you doing that?
It's annoying.
Oh, that's right.
You're new.
That's my signal to indicate
that my glass is empty.
Well, Carlton,
the pitcher's right here.
Empty!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, one favor, please.
Would you mind cranking me up
a little?
All right.
( chuckles )
You thought I meant the bed.
You realize I could snap you
like a twig.
Tease, tease, tease.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
Where did Fay go?
All right, what'd you say
to her?
Nothing.
One minute she's fine,
the next minute she's bitter
as a pill.
Which reminds me,
my ankle is beginning
to throb.
Well, take your pill.
I'd love to but, heh-heh...
Empty!
( doorbell rings )
I have the old man's cats.
You didn't ask me if you could
bring your cats here, Carlton.
I can't bear the thought
of my little pussy-wussies
being left all alone.
Well, see ya.
No, Antonio, listen.
I've got to go
run some errands,
and he doesn't like
to be alone at night.
I-I already brought the cats.
Look, Jake, you owe me.
I married you so immigration
wouldn't kick your butt
out of this country.
You equate that
with being alone with him?
It's time for somebody
to rub my feet.
You're on. See ya.
( sighs )
Please.
( speaking in Italian )
Hurry up.
Ohhh.
That's nice.
Say, Angelo,
do you know the song,
"That's Amore"?
Yes.
Well, if the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie,
how do you think a doorknob
would feel?
I don't know.
Well, try this.
If we were derived
from the kangaroo
instead of the monkey,
do you suppose we'd still need
pockets in our pants?
( whimpers ):
I don't know.
Well, here's another.
Can a man catch
a fungal infection
just by touching a man
on his foot?
Ugh!
You disgusting old man.
Hear me now, Blanchard.
If you tell Helen
that I left early,
I will track you down
and I will kill you.
MAN ( on TV ):
As this latest frontal system
moves through our area--
( rock music playing
on TV )
Antonio, I forgot--
( TV silences )
What are you doing?
Well, I was feeling better
so I thought
I'd try to see
if I could actually take
a few steps.
You were dancing.
Oh, if only.
You nasty little leprechaun.
I don't believe this.
I am so gullible.
They warned me about you,
and I didn't believe 'em.
I didn't do any harm.
Oh, you didn't do any harm?
I've been scared all week
that your son was gonna
drag me into court.
I wouldn't take you to court.
I couldn't.
You see, I, uh,
kind of exaggerated
about my son.
Oh, he's not a lawyer,
is he?
I don't have a son.
What?
I don't have any children.
That I know of.
( laughs )
Then what were you doing
at the airport?
Well, it was my birthday
and, uh,
I had such a good time
with those fellas--
That you thought you would con
us into throwing you a party.
And you faked falling down
the stairs.
Oh, no, I did fall down
the stairs.
You wanna see the bruises?
Don't you dare.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
But, you see, most people
aren't nice to me
unless I pay them
or trick them.
Look, you don't have to do that.
So look, from now on,
if you want something from me,
just ask me.
Oh. In that case,
could I stay here
a little longer?
I'd rather be thrown naked
into a Turkish prison.
Is that a no?
( upbeat theme playing )
All right, Carlton,
all your cats are loaded up
and ready to go.
All eight of them?
Let's see. One, two, three,
four, five, eight.
Yeah, they're all here.
Okay. Bye, Carlton.
Come on, Carlton, let me--
Let me take that.
No, no, I--
No, no, please, let me take it.
I said, no.
Would you let me--?
Oh, fine.
Ow!
It's my hip.
Helen.
Oh, no.
You break him, you take him.
Helen. Helen.
( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing )