Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Key to Alex - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Lowell.
How come you guys
always call me Lowell?
That's your name.
I-I know, but I mean,
all the guys
that I hang out with
have these really cool
nicknames.
May-- Maybe you guys can help me
come up with one.
Well, what kind of name
do you want?
Well, you know, a nickname
should emphasize
your greatest qualities.
At least, you know,
that's what Scab O'Neil told me.
Scab?
Yeah, he's had it
all his life.
Of course, he just got
the nickname a couple years ago.
Well, we'll give it
some thought, Lowell.
Hey, my plane
needs refueling.
Hop to it, slack-ass.
Hey.
Slack-ass!
I like the ring of that.
( upbeat theme playing )
Whoa, whoa, code pink.
Alex Lambert at 11:00.
Hey, Alex, you're looking
really nice today.
Guys.
Sure, she pretends
to be aloof.
Did you get that little tingle
of frustrated sexual desire?
Yeah, coming from you.
I know, damn it.
I just-- I wish there was
some way to get to that woman.
You know, if only I had the--
The key.
The key?
Yeah, yeah. Clue with a key.
Secret words.
You know,
whatever it takes.
Idea. Got an idea.
Got an idea.
Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Oh-ho-ho! Ow!
Ow!
What's your problem?
Oh, well,
the cold weather brings on
this horrific pain
in my shoulders.
It's an old football injury,
you know.
Ow! Just--
Just wish there was some way
to relieve it, you know.
A back rub or a massage
or something like that.
ALEX:
Try this.
Bend over...
Yeah.
...place your head between
your legs,
and then do somersaults
until it suddenly gets dark.
I take it we can rule out
the sympathy ploy.
Thank you.
I would love that.
You want to pick me up here?
Um, how does 8:00 sound?
Well, not as good as,
say, 7:30?
Okay.
Seven-thirty it is.
MAN:
Great. Bye.
My, my. Oh, our little girl
dating already.
They grow up so fast.
Seems like only yesterday I was
pelting her with snowballs.
( chuckles )
It was yesterday.
Which reminds me,
I saved one for you.
You know, that sort of thing
is funny
until someone loses an eye.
So, Helen,
who was that guy anyway?
Oh, his name's Stan Barlow.
I met him this morning.
He's really cute,
isn't he?
You just met him and you're
already going out with him?
Yeah, I decided to waive
the customary 90-day
waiting period.
BRIAN:
What's so special
about this guy?
Well, if you must know,
he's, um, handsome,
he's charming, and...
I don't know.
He's sensitive.
Oh, sensitivity.
Men have turned
into such wimps.
Helen, you want to freshen
this café au lait, please?
I was telling Stan
this story about how,
when I was a little girl,
my kitten ran away,
and every night I'd put
a little saucer of milk out
hoping he would return.
And when I looked up,
he had a tear in his eye.
An actual tear.
You know what I call guys
like that?
Chicks.
Yeah.
Speaking of interesting
pet stories,
did I ever tell you guys the--
About the time
that I put an entire kitten
in my mouth?
Okay, I'll ask.
Why?
Well, you know
that kids' game
where you see who can put
the largest animal
in their mouth?
Well, my cousin Randy put
a hamster in his mouth,
so you know, I thought
I'd go him one better.
How could you do that?
Y-you just fold their little
legs down like a card table,
and then you just--
Oh, my God!
Well, you asked.
JOE:
Helen, let me get
this straight.
All this guy Stan did was cry
and you agreed to go out
with him?
Yes. Believe it or not,
sensitivity in a man
is very attractive.
Sensitivity.
I wonder if I should try that
with Alex.
Ha! Yeah, you do,
you'll end up looking stupid,
laughable and pathetic. Ha!
Go for it.
Grown men crying.
Last time I cried,
I was 7 years old.
My mom took me to see Bambi.
Boy, I remember the time
I cried.
My parents took me downtown
to see ordinary people.
Yeah. That was a sad movie.
What movie?
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, ace.
You wanted to see me
about something?
Oh-- Oh, yeah, right.
I just wanted to return
that socket wrench I borrowed.
It's over on the table.
Right underneath
the calendar.
This is a first.
A calendar
in an airplane hangar
that doesn't have
naked bimbos on it.
Cute kittens.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that. Right, yeah.
Listen, don't tell anyone
about that,
but, uh, I do have a sort of
a thing for kitties.
Yeah, I'm more of a dog person
myself.
Oh, yeah, actually,
I am too. Yeah.
But I've had a hard time
ever since I lost Ranger.
He was my first puppy.
He ran away when I was 6.
Every night
for a whole year after that
I would leave a saucer of...
meat out for him.
But, you know, just don't get me
talking about that
'cause I'm likely to cry
and make a fool out of myself.
You cry?
Well, not in front of people.
I-- I guess I have
this dumb guy-thing
about not showing
how sensitive I am.
There's nothing wrong
with showing your emotions.
It's kind of hard not to when
you get me talking about dogs.
I just love 'em.
Really?
It's a side of you
I've never seen before.
Well...
Listen-- Oh, I promised myself
I wasn't going to do this,
but do you have plans
for the weekend?
Nothing I can't cancel.
Great. Uh, could you wait here
for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, Joe, time to go over
the flight logs.
Uh, no, it isn't.
Oh-- Oh, yes, it is.
These are already overdue,
and I will not let this slide.
I happen to take great pride
in my work and in my dedication
to this company.
Leave right now and you can have
the rest of the day off.
Hey, it's not my name
on the door.
See you Monday.
ALEX:
Are you sure you're free
this weekend?
Yeah, I'm all yours.
Great,
'cause I have to go
to Boston.
I was just, uh, getting ready
to take Chopper to the kennel,
but I thought, you know,
you love dogs so much,
I thought maybe...
Chopper?
( barking )
I know he looks
like a handful,
but he really is a sweetie.
( growls, barks )
If it's an imposition...
Uh...
well, uh-- Yeah, if it'll
help you out, I...
Terrific. Now, he eats
anything you eat
and he'll sleep anywhere.
Oh, uh, he does go a little nuts
if he hears a bell ring,
so you may want to take
your phone off the hook.
For the whole weekend?
Thanks.
Yeah. Bye.
So, Chopper,
just you and me, huh?
Yeah, just the romantic weekend
I had in mind.
( phone rings )
( growls )
JOE:
Chopper! No! No--
( Chopper growls, barks )
Joe: Ow! Chopper! Ow!
( Joe shouting indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
Well, still haven't chosen
a nickname, Roy.
But I've narrowed it down
to the final three.
Tell me what you think.
Turbo.
El conquistador de amore.
And Jerry.
How 'bout just plain "idiot"?
Oh, that's a big help.
Half the guys
I know are idiots.
Hey, what's, uh--?
What's all this, Roy?
I'm lining up receipts
for my tax audit.
You'd think the IRS would
have more respect
for an upstanding businessman
who's the sole support
of 26 children.
Roy, you don't have
26 children.
What, did you just fall off
the tortellini truck?
It's a tax dodge.
Everybody does it.
For example, ask me,
how's business?
How's business?
Congratulations.
You just had
your first business lunch.
Now, you pay for my check.
You can write it off your taxes.
Yo, Dr. Dolittle.
Been talking
to the animals again,
you sensitive guy, you?
What kind of person
teaches a dog
that "Here, boy"
is an attack command?
Uh, so how was your date
with Stan last night?
Ugh! It ended in tears.
Oh, no, what'd he do to you?
No, not my tears.
The man cries at everything.
Last night it was
a Marx Brothers movie.
He was sad
because Harpo couldn't speak.
I'll tell you what,
there is such a thing
as being too sensitive.
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe it's just
my upbringing,
but I never allow anyone
to see me cry.
Never?
Test me.
Pull a hair out of my nose.
Go ahead.
Well, I've never liked
the sensitive type.
I've always liked my men
to be men.
Rugged and with the spirit
of the Old West.
I like big, barrel-chested men
who laugh in the face of danger.
Fay, you just described
a rodeo clown.
Yes, I know.
So, uh, I take it you're not
planning on seeing anymore
of this Stan guy?
Pfft. No way, nohow.
Well, good, because I wasn't
going to tell you before,
but I noticed him downtown
having coffee with
this incredibly hot redhead.
You're kidding.
No.
He was out with another woman?
Pfft.
Who?
Well, you're not jealous,
are you?
No, of course
I'm not jealous.
Who was she?
Was she prettier than me?
Oh, God, I'm losing him.
Jealousy. Interesting.
My ex-wife
was terribly jealous.
It started
on our honeymoon.
If I so much as looked
at another woman,
she'd get up, snatch
the binoculars out of my hand,
drag me back to bed.
Hey, Alex, can I--?
Can I bother you for a second?
You already have.
( laughs )
Look, um...
( sighs )
We both know that I've been
coming on to you a lot lately,
and I-- And I think
I owe you an explanation.
This ought to be good.
Well, the truth is,
I've been trying to get you
to go out with me
in order to make
my girlfriend jealous.
You're kidding.
You have a girlfriend?
Yeah.
But she's been-- She's been
taking me for granted,
so I thought, you know,
I had a stupid idea
that if she saw me with you,
then it would get us
back on track.
You're right.
So you-- You'll do it?
No, you're right.
It was a stupid idea.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Just do this one thing for me.
Just one thing.
It's dumb.
How would she even know
I was out with you?
Okay. Okay. She-- She works
at the Club Car, okay?
I mean, we could have dinner
there one night.
In fact,
she's working there tonight,
if you're free.
If I do this, will you finally
leave me alone?
Absolutely.
All right.
Just so there's
no misunderstanding,
I am only going out with you
because I find you disgusting.
You're a true friend.
( mellow theme playing )
Have I told you how incredible
you look in that dress,
the little bit of you
that's actually in it?
Thank you.
You don't think
it's too décolleté?
No. It's just colleté enough.
Well,
to us.
So where is she?
Where's who?
Your girlfriend.
You said she worked here.
Mm, mm. Yeah.
She's, uh-- She is...
She is, uh--
Oh, she's back there.
She's in the back,
way in back.
She's not even
looking at us.
Oh, hey, believe me,
she sees us.
She has incredible
peripheral vision.
First thing that actually
attracted me to her.
So enough about her.
Call her over.
Mm...
Yup, we could do that.
We could do that.
But I think really the beauty
of this plan is the subtlety,
with which we're,
you know--
Call her.
Oh, miss!
Miss?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I call her "Miss" for short.
Her pet name is Missy.
Just a second, sir.
( chuckles )
She calls me "Sir"
for short.
Her pet name for me is Sirhan.
Missy-- Missy, hey...
Yes?
Uh, I just want to thank you
for this wine.
It's-- It's just terrific.
Well, good.
I'm glad you like it.
( chuckles )
Playing it very cool.
Look, I don't have all night.
Let's get this over with.
We might as well go for it.
Go-- Go for it?
Yeah. If you want
to make her jealous,
I should come on to you.
Well, hell, I'm just desperate
enough to try anything.
Is it having any effect?
Like you would not believe.
Hey, hey, hey,
you know what would really
push her over the edge?
If you were to kiss me. Huh?
All right.
But if this doesn't work,
I'm out of here.
Trust me. Trust me.
It'll work. It'll work.
Oh, God!
What? What?
You ordered the garlic bread.
No, no, no, it's Otto,
my ex-boyfriend,
over there by the door.
There's a door
behind that guy?
ALEX:
I didn't think
he was crazy enough
to follow me
all the way from Florida.
I gotta check
on the entrées--
( chuckling ):
Hey.
I knew you were seeing somebody
behind my back.
Well, hey, we--
We never said
we weren't allowed
to date other people.
Otto,
he's not even with me.
He's here with his girlfriend.
That's right.
My girlfriend.
Hey, baby!
What are you, crazy?
Get off me, you creep!
Isn't that just like a woman?
First they tell you
you're not affectionate enough.
Once you are,
you're a creep.
( chuckling )
Damn it, Otto!
You can't beat up
every guy you see me with.
Now, besides, this is not
gonna work this time
because this guy
is gonna fight back.
No, no, no,
that's not true.
I'm not a fighter
because one punch,
I fold like origami.
( laughs )
( both laugh )
What--? What's so funny?
What? What?
Well, you.
You chickened out
just like she said you would.
What?
He's an old buddy of mine
from the service.
I asked him to drop by here
and shake you up a little.
Oh, no!
Boy, you got me, boy.
I should have guessed
the second I heard that--
That stupid, oafish,
jarhead name you made up: Otto.
What--? What--?
What's your real name?
Otto.
Tell Joe I keep my dental
records in my sock drawer.
Do me a favor, slick,
now that you know
who you're dealing with, don't.
There he is. That's the guy
who grabbed me, right there.
Where do you get off
kissing my wife?
Okay, okay, now--
Now, look, listen.
Listen, before you do
anything rash,
I think you should know
that I haven't filled out
my customer
satisfaction card yet.
And you are right
on the line, buddy.
( upbeat theme playing )
JOE:
Hey, hey.
If it isn't Kid Hackett.
New welterweight chump.
( snickers )
Very funny, Joe.
Very funny. You got me.
Here, boy!
( whistles )
( sighs )
HELEN:
Okay, Stan.
That's great.
I'll see you tonight, then.
Okay, bye.
So you and Stan did get
back together, huh?
Oh, yes,
and I'm so glad we did.
Last night he did
the most incredibly sexy thing.
He shows up at my house
with two bags of groceries--
Helen, if this involves
whipped cream and a gravy boat,
it's been done before.
He cooked me dinner.
You guys have no idea what kind
of effect that is on a woman.
But it wasn't just dinner.
At the end of the evening,
he did something for me
that no man has ever done.
Yeah?
The dishes.
Now, that is great.
Why didn't I think of that?
I'm gonna go to Alex's
and cook her dinner.
You gotta sneak Lowell in
and have him cook.
No, wait,
I'll fly to Boston
and get some gourmet entrées
from La Trouvaille.
Oh, yeah! That'll work!
And when she asks for seconds,
what are you gonna do,
fly to Boston?
What are you gonna do? Keep
Lowell curled up under the sink?
He's done it before.
Hold it, hold it,
this is stupid.
Aw, now,
it's a little offbeat.
Well, if you want to go through
with this, be my guest.
But I'm-- I'm done.
I'm out of it.
Alex sees through
all this stuff,
and I'm tired of looking
like a fool.
You know what? I'm gonna sit
to have a talk to her.
Just gonna see if maybe we can't
start all over again.
You're not going
without me.
No, I am not talking
about a scam.
No, I know, I know.
Maybe I want to start over again
with her too.
All right. If you wanna
come with me,
you have to understand
this is just talking.
Okay.
No plans. No lies.
Just honest, adult conversation.
All right. All right.
( scoffs )
Honesty.
To think it's come to this.
( mellow theme playing )
( indistinct chatter )
Okay, guys,
I said I'd be here
and I'm here.
You want to tell me
what all this is about?
Well, we just don't feel
our relationship with you
is working.
That's right. It's been
going on for a little while
and we'd just like to know
where we stand.
What?
We want to make this work,
but a relationship
is a two-way street.
BRIAN:
That's right. That's right.
Now, on our part,
we may have been too pushy,
too juvenile, too devious.
I can't disagree with that.
Okay, but on your part,
if you don't fall
for any of this stuff,
it's not fun.
What we'd like to do is see
if we can establish
a simple friendship,
no strings attached.
Why on God's green earth
would I believe that?
Well, uh, you know what?
I cannot think
of a single reason
why you should believe us.
You know, that's the first time
you've said something
that almost sounded sincere.
We can do sincere.
Look, can--?
Can we just have dinner,
see if we can get to know
each other a little better?
BRIAN:
If I'm not mistaken,
you might find that
we're actually not bad guys.
There are even people on this
island who like and respect us.
Oh, you again.
See?
( mellow theme playing )
So you had to set
the plane down in the ocean?
Yup. Yeah,
it was pretty scary.
Oh, but I'm sure you had it
worse in the service, huh?
Well, there were a few times
when I took off
wondering if I'd ever
come back alive.
But you know
what that's like.
Lowell is your mechanic.
Lowell-- Lowell's great.
I mean, there's--
There's nothing
that he doesn't know
about an airplane engine.
It's true.
On the other hand,
you can make him run away
screaming if you do this.
( laughs )
We made her laugh, Joe.
Ah, see?
We're not total idiots,
you know.
I never said you were.
As a matter of fact, there are
things I like about both of you.
But I certainly couldn't
have said that before now.
I didn't want to encourage you.
Yeah, that's understood.
That's understood.
What sort of things?
You want me to tell you?
BOTH:
Yeah, why not? Go ahead.
You actually expect me to--?
BOTH: Spit it out.
It's no big deal.
I can take it.
All right.
Joe's responsible, mature.
I like that in a guy.
And you're spontaneous,
a little crazy.
Uh-huh.
I like that too.
So I guess what you're saying
is that, uh,
we're the perfect guy
for you.
I never thought of it that way,
but maybe.
I-- I really think what
you're saying is that if--
If I was a little
more like Joe,
then I would have
a shot with you.
No, no, no.
What she is saying is that if
I were slightly more like you,
then I would have a shot.
All right, I can see
where this is headed.
I think we'd just better
call it a night.
No, no, no, wait.
Come on, sit down.
Come on, let's-- Let's order
some tequila shooters
to see where
the night takes us.
You know,
get kind of crazy.
That is really irresponsible,
okay?
We gotta get some sleep.
Oh, relax!
Well, it was fun
while it lasted.
( speaking indistinctly )
Party.
You know what? Act your age.
JOE:
You'll sleep
when you're dead.
Let's go! Let's go!
( upbeat piano theme playing )
Hey, Lowell.
How come you guys
always call me Lowell?
That's your name.
I-I know, but I mean,
all the guys
that I hang out with
have these really cool
nicknames.
May-- Maybe you guys can help me
come up with one.
Well, what kind of name
do you want?
Well, you know, a nickname
should emphasize
your greatest qualities.
At least, you know,
that's what Scab O'Neil told me.
Scab?
Yeah, he's had it
all his life.
Of course, he just got
the nickname a couple years ago.
Well, we'll give it
some thought, Lowell.
Hey, my plane
needs refueling.
Hop to it, slack-ass.
Hey.
Slack-ass!
I like the ring of that.
( upbeat theme playing )
Whoa, whoa, code pink.
Alex Lambert at 11:00.
Hey, Alex, you're looking
really nice today.
Guys.
Sure, she pretends
to be aloof.
Did you get that little tingle
of frustrated sexual desire?
Yeah, coming from you.
I know, damn it.
I just-- I wish there was
some way to get to that woman.
You know, if only I had the--
The key.
The key?
Yeah, yeah. Clue with a key.
Secret words.
You know,
whatever it takes.
Idea. Got an idea.
Got an idea.
Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Oh-ho-ho! Ow!
Ow!
What's your problem?
Oh, well,
the cold weather brings on
this horrific pain
in my shoulders.
It's an old football injury,
you know.
Ow! Just--
Just wish there was some way
to relieve it, you know.
A back rub or a massage
or something like that.
ALEX:
Try this.
Bend over...
Yeah.
...place your head between
your legs,
and then do somersaults
until it suddenly gets dark.
I take it we can rule out
the sympathy ploy.
Thank you.
I would love that.
You want to pick me up here?
Um, how does 8:00 sound?
Well, not as good as,
say, 7:30?
Okay.
Seven-thirty it is.
MAN:
Great. Bye.
My, my. Oh, our little girl
dating already.
They grow up so fast.
Seems like only yesterday I was
pelting her with snowballs.
( chuckles )
It was yesterday.
Which reminds me,
I saved one for you.
You know, that sort of thing
is funny
until someone loses an eye.
So, Helen,
who was that guy anyway?
Oh, his name's Stan Barlow.
I met him this morning.
He's really cute,
isn't he?
You just met him and you're
already going out with him?
Yeah, I decided to waive
the customary 90-day
waiting period.
BRIAN:
What's so special
about this guy?
Well, if you must know,
he's, um, handsome,
he's charming, and...
I don't know.
He's sensitive.
Oh, sensitivity.
Men have turned
into such wimps.
Helen, you want to freshen
this café au lait, please?
I was telling Stan
this story about how,
when I was a little girl,
my kitten ran away,
and every night I'd put
a little saucer of milk out
hoping he would return.
And when I looked up,
he had a tear in his eye.
An actual tear.
You know what I call guys
like that?
Chicks.
Yeah.
Speaking of interesting
pet stories,
did I ever tell you guys the--
About the time
that I put an entire kitten
in my mouth?
Okay, I'll ask.
Why?
Well, you know
that kids' game
where you see who can put
the largest animal
in their mouth?
Well, my cousin Randy put
a hamster in his mouth,
so you know, I thought
I'd go him one better.
How could you do that?
Y-you just fold their little
legs down like a card table,
and then you just--
Oh, my God!
Well, you asked.
JOE:
Helen, let me get
this straight.
All this guy Stan did was cry
and you agreed to go out
with him?
Yes. Believe it or not,
sensitivity in a man
is very attractive.
Sensitivity.
I wonder if I should try that
with Alex.
Ha! Yeah, you do,
you'll end up looking stupid,
laughable and pathetic. Ha!
Go for it.
Grown men crying.
Last time I cried,
I was 7 years old.
My mom took me to see Bambi.
Boy, I remember the time
I cried.
My parents took me downtown
to see ordinary people.
Yeah. That was a sad movie.
What movie?
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey, ace.
You wanted to see me
about something?
Oh-- Oh, yeah, right.
I just wanted to return
that socket wrench I borrowed.
It's over on the table.
Right underneath
the calendar.
This is a first.
A calendar
in an airplane hangar
that doesn't have
naked bimbos on it.
Cute kittens.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that. Right, yeah.
Listen, don't tell anyone
about that,
but, uh, I do have a sort of
a thing for kitties.
Yeah, I'm more of a dog person
myself.
Oh, yeah, actually,
I am too. Yeah.
But I've had a hard time
ever since I lost Ranger.
He was my first puppy.
He ran away when I was 6.
Every night
for a whole year after that
I would leave a saucer of...
meat out for him.
But, you know, just don't get me
talking about that
'cause I'm likely to cry
and make a fool out of myself.
You cry?
Well, not in front of people.
I-- I guess I have
this dumb guy-thing
about not showing
how sensitive I am.
There's nothing wrong
with showing your emotions.
It's kind of hard not to when
you get me talking about dogs.
I just love 'em.
Really?
It's a side of you
I've never seen before.
Well...
Listen-- Oh, I promised myself
I wasn't going to do this,
but do you have plans
for the weekend?
Nothing I can't cancel.
Great. Uh, could you wait here
for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, Joe, time to go over
the flight logs.
Uh, no, it isn't.
Oh-- Oh, yes, it is.
These are already overdue,
and I will not let this slide.
I happen to take great pride
in my work and in my dedication
to this company.
Leave right now and you can have
the rest of the day off.
Hey, it's not my name
on the door.
See you Monday.
ALEX:
Are you sure you're free
this weekend?
Yeah, I'm all yours.
Great,
'cause I have to go
to Boston.
I was just, uh, getting ready
to take Chopper to the kennel,
but I thought, you know,
you love dogs so much,
I thought maybe...
Chopper?
( barking )
I know he looks
like a handful,
but he really is a sweetie.
( growls, barks )
If it's an imposition...
Uh...
well, uh-- Yeah, if it'll
help you out, I...
Terrific. Now, he eats
anything you eat
and he'll sleep anywhere.
Oh, uh, he does go a little nuts
if he hears a bell ring,
so you may want to take
your phone off the hook.
For the whole weekend?
Thanks.
Yeah. Bye.
So, Chopper,
just you and me, huh?
Yeah, just the romantic weekend
I had in mind.
( phone rings )
( growls )
JOE:
Chopper! No! No--
( Chopper growls, barks )
Joe: Ow! Chopper! Ow!
( Joe shouting indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
Well, still haven't chosen
a nickname, Roy.
But I've narrowed it down
to the final three.
Tell me what you think.
Turbo.
El conquistador de amore.
And Jerry.
How 'bout just plain "idiot"?
Oh, that's a big help.
Half the guys
I know are idiots.
Hey, what's, uh--?
What's all this, Roy?
I'm lining up receipts
for my tax audit.
You'd think the IRS would
have more respect
for an upstanding businessman
who's the sole support
of 26 children.
Roy, you don't have
26 children.
What, did you just fall off
the tortellini truck?
It's a tax dodge.
Everybody does it.
For example, ask me,
how's business?
How's business?
Congratulations.
You just had
your first business lunch.
Now, you pay for my check.
You can write it off your taxes.
Yo, Dr. Dolittle.
Been talking
to the animals again,
you sensitive guy, you?
What kind of person
teaches a dog
that "Here, boy"
is an attack command?
Uh, so how was your date
with Stan last night?
Ugh! It ended in tears.
Oh, no, what'd he do to you?
No, not my tears.
The man cries at everything.
Last night it was
a Marx Brothers movie.
He was sad
because Harpo couldn't speak.
I'll tell you what,
there is such a thing
as being too sensitive.
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe it's just
my upbringing,
but I never allow anyone
to see me cry.
Never?
Test me.
Pull a hair out of my nose.
Go ahead.
Well, I've never liked
the sensitive type.
I've always liked my men
to be men.
Rugged and with the spirit
of the Old West.
I like big, barrel-chested men
who laugh in the face of danger.
Fay, you just described
a rodeo clown.
Yes, I know.
So, uh, I take it you're not
planning on seeing anymore
of this Stan guy?
Pfft. No way, nohow.
Well, good, because I wasn't
going to tell you before,
but I noticed him downtown
having coffee with
this incredibly hot redhead.
You're kidding.
No.
He was out with another woman?
Pfft.
Who?
Well, you're not jealous,
are you?
No, of course
I'm not jealous.
Who was she?
Was she prettier than me?
Oh, God, I'm losing him.
Jealousy. Interesting.
My ex-wife
was terribly jealous.
It started
on our honeymoon.
If I so much as looked
at another woman,
she'd get up, snatch
the binoculars out of my hand,
drag me back to bed.
Hey, Alex, can I--?
Can I bother you for a second?
You already have.
( laughs )
Look, um...
( sighs )
We both know that I've been
coming on to you a lot lately,
and I-- And I think
I owe you an explanation.
This ought to be good.
Well, the truth is,
I've been trying to get you
to go out with me
in order to make
my girlfriend jealous.
You're kidding.
You have a girlfriend?
Yeah.
But she's been-- She's been
taking me for granted,
so I thought, you know,
I had a stupid idea
that if she saw me with you,
then it would get us
back on track.
You're right.
So you-- You'll do it?
No, you're right.
It was a stupid idea.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Just do this one thing for me.
Just one thing.
It's dumb.
How would she even know
I was out with you?
Okay. Okay. She-- She works
at the Club Car, okay?
I mean, we could have dinner
there one night.
In fact,
she's working there tonight,
if you're free.
If I do this, will you finally
leave me alone?
Absolutely.
All right.
Just so there's
no misunderstanding,
I am only going out with you
because I find you disgusting.
You're a true friend.
( mellow theme playing )
Have I told you how incredible
you look in that dress,
the little bit of you
that's actually in it?
Thank you.
You don't think
it's too décolleté?
No. It's just colleté enough.
Well,
to us.
So where is she?
Where's who?
Your girlfriend.
You said she worked here.
Mm, mm. Yeah.
She's, uh-- She is...
She is, uh--
Oh, she's back there.
She's in the back,
way in back.
She's not even
looking at us.
Oh, hey, believe me,
she sees us.
She has incredible
peripheral vision.
First thing that actually
attracted me to her.
So enough about her.
Call her over.
Mm...
Yup, we could do that.
We could do that.
But I think really the beauty
of this plan is the subtlety,
with which we're,
you know--
Call her.
Oh, miss!
Miss?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I call her "Miss" for short.
Her pet name is Missy.
Just a second, sir.
( chuckles )
She calls me "Sir"
for short.
Her pet name for me is Sirhan.
Missy-- Missy, hey...
Yes?
Uh, I just want to thank you
for this wine.
It's-- It's just terrific.
Well, good.
I'm glad you like it.
( chuckles )
Playing it very cool.
Look, I don't have all night.
Let's get this over with.
We might as well go for it.
Go-- Go for it?
Yeah. If you want
to make her jealous,
I should come on to you.
Well, hell, I'm just desperate
enough to try anything.
Is it having any effect?
Like you would not believe.
Hey, hey, hey,
you know what would really
push her over the edge?
If you were to kiss me. Huh?
All right.
But if this doesn't work,
I'm out of here.
Trust me. Trust me.
It'll work. It'll work.
Oh, God!
What? What?
You ordered the garlic bread.
No, no, no, it's Otto,
my ex-boyfriend,
over there by the door.
There's a door
behind that guy?
ALEX:
I didn't think
he was crazy enough
to follow me
all the way from Florida.
I gotta check
on the entrées--
( chuckling ):
Hey.
I knew you were seeing somebody
behind my back.
Well, hey, we--
We never said
we weren't allowed
to date other people.
Otto,
he's not even with me.
He's here with his girlfriend.
That's right.
My girlfriend.
Hey, baby!
What are you, crazy?
Get off me, you creep!
Isn't that just like a woman?
First they tell you
you're not affectionate enough.
Once you are,
you're a creep.
( chuckling )
Damn it, Otto!
You can't beat up
every guy you see me with.
Now, besides, this is not
gonna work this time
because this guy
is gonna fight back.
No, no, no,
that's not true.
I'm not a fighter
because one punch,
I fold like origami.
( laughs )
( both laugh )
What--? What's so funny?
What? What?
Well, you.
You chickened out
just like she said you would.
What?
He's an old buddy of mine
from the service.
I asked him to drop by here
and shake you up a little.
Oh, no!
Boy, you got me, boy.
I should have guessed
the second I heard that--
That stupid, oafish,
jarhead name you made up: Otto.
What--? What--?
What's your real name?
Otto.
Tell Joe I keep my dental
records in my sock drawer.
Do me a favor, slick,
now that you know
who you're dealing with, don't.
There he is. That's the guy
who grabbed me, right there.
Where do you get off
kissing my wife?
Okay, okay, now--
Now, look, listen.
Listen, before you do
anything rash,
I think you should know
that I haven't filled out
my customer
satisfaction card yet.
And you are right
on the line, buddy.
( upbeat theme playing )
JOE:
Hey, hey.
If it isn't Kid Hackett.
New welterweight chump.
( snickers )
Very funny, Joe.
Very funny. You got me.
Here, boy!
( whistles )
( sighs )
HELEN:
Okay, Stan.
That's great.
I'll see you tonight, then.
Okay, bye.
So you and Stan did get
back together, huh?
Oh, yes,
and I'm so glad we did.
Last night he did
the most incredibly sexy thing.
He shows up at my house
with two bags of groceries--
Helen, if this involves
whipped cream and a gravy boat,
it's been done before.
He cooked me dinner.
You guys have no idea what kind
of effect that is on a woman.
But it wasn't just dinner.
At the end of the evening,
he did something for me
that no man has ever done.
Yeah?
The dishes.
Now, that is great.
Why didn't I think of that?
I'm gonna go to Alex's
and cook her dinner.
You gotta sneak Lowell in
and have him cook.
No, wait,
I'll fly to Boston
and get some gourmet entrées
from La Trouvaille.
Oh, yeah! That'll work!
And when she asks for seconds,
what are you gonna do,
fly to Boston?
What are you gonna do? Keep
Lowell curled up under the sink?
He's done it before.
Hold it, hold it,
this is stupid.
Aw, now,
it's a little offbeat.
Well, if you want to go through
with this, be my guest.
But I'm-- I'm done.
I'm out of it.
Alex sees through
all this stuff,
and I'm tired of looking
like a fool.
You know what? I'm gonna sit
to have a talk to her.
Just gonna see if maybe we can't
start all over again.
You're not going
without me.
No, I am not talking
about a scam.
No, I know, I know.
Maybe I want to start over again
with her too.
All right. If you wanna
come with me,
you have to understand
this is just talking.
Okay.
No plans. No lies.
Just honest, adult conversation.
All right. All right.
( scoffs )
Honesty.
To think it's come to this.
( mellow theme playing )
( indistinct chatter )
Okay, guys,
I said I'd be here
and I'm here.
You want to tell me
what all this is about?
Well, we just don't feel
our relationship with you
is working.
That's right. It's been
going on for a little while
and we'd just like to know
where we stand.
What?
We want to make this work,
but a relationship
is a two-way street.
BRIAN:
That's right. That's right.
Now, on our part,
we may have been too pushy,
too juvenile, too devious.
I can't disagree with that.
Okay, but on your part,
if you don't fall
for any of this stuff,
it's not fun.
What we'd like to do is see
if we can establish
a simple friendship,
no strings attached.
Why on God's green earth
would I believe that?
Well, uh, you know what?
I cannot think
of a single reason
why you should believe us.
You know, that's the first time
you've said something
that almost sounded sincere.
We can do sincere.
Look, can--?
Can we just have dinner,
see if we can get to know
each other a little better?
BRIAN:
If I'm not mistaken,
you might find that
we're actually not bad guys.
There are even people on this
island who like and respect us.
Oh, you again.
See?
( mellow theme playing )
So you had to set
the plane down in the ocean?
Yup. Yeah,
it was pretty scary.
Oh, but I'm sure you had it
worse in the service, huh?
Well, there were a few times
when I took off
wondering if I'd ever
come back alive.
But you know
what that's like.
Lowell is your mechanic.
Lowell-- Lowell's great.
I mean, there's--
There's nothing
that he doesn't know
about an airplane engine.
It's true.
On the other hand,
you can make him run away
screaming if you do this.
( laughs )
We made her laugh, Joe.
Ah, see?
We're not total idiots,
you know.
I never said you were.
As a matter of fact, there are
things I like about both of you.
But I certainly couldn't
have said that before now.
I didn't want to encourage you.
Yeah, that's understood.
That's understood.
What sort of things?
You want me to tell you?
BOTH:
Yeah, why not? Go ahead.
You actually expect me to--?
BOTH: Spit it out.
It's no big deal.
I can take it.
All right.
Joe's responsible, mature.
I like that in a guy.
And you're spontaneous,
a little crazy.
Uh-huh.
I like that too.
So I guess what you're saying
is that, uh,
we're the perfect guy
for you.
I never thought of it that way,
but maybe.
I-- I really think what
you're saying is that if--
If I was a little
more like Joe,
then I would have
a shot with you.
No, no, no.
What she is saying is that if
I were slightly more like you,
then I would have a shot.
All right, I can see
where this is headed.
I think we'd just better
call it a night.
No, no, no, wait.
Come on, sit down.
Come on, let's-- Let's order
some tequila shooters
to see where
the night takes us.
You know,
get kind of crazy.
That is really irresponsible,
okay?
We gotta get some sleep.
Oh, relax!
Well, it was fun
while it lasted.
( speaking indistinctly )
Party.
You know what? Act your age.
JOE:
You'll sleep
when you're dead.
Let's go! Let's go!
( upbeat piano theme playing )