Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 17 - I Love Brian - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( laughs )
Good morning,
Antonio.

Uh-- Helen.

You're certainly
in a good mood today.

I know, I know.
Last night, I-I-- I saw

a very, very funny program
on the television.

Um...they-- They-- They were
playing them one after another.

What was it?
Well, I don't remember the name,

but it was all about
this very funny couple

named Fred and Ethel.

Oh, you're talking
about I Love Lucy.



Lucy. Oh, right,
the neighbor.

Well, that's right.

There's a Lucy marathon
on this weekend.

She is hysterical.
BRIAN: Oh, please,

you know, I-I-I know
it's un-American,

but I just think that show
is so...stupid.

I do. I do.

I mean, one week Lucy's
stuck on a ledge

dressed as Superman--

ha-ha, yeah, great.
--and then--

And then the next week she's
posing as a hot dog vendor

trying to meet Bob Hope.

( laughing ):
Yeah, yeah. Bob Hope.

I mean, no one in their right
mind would do those things.



Oh, come on, what
are you talking about?

You do stupider stuff than that
every day of your life.

Okay, okay. I've been known
to push the envelope,

but I've never crawled
inside, stamped it,

and mailed myself to
John Wayne.

( upbeat theme playing )

Damn it.

Boy, you don't even
look up anymore, do you?

I'm talking about this.

Clint Black is performing
tonight in Boston,

but it's sold out.

Oh, really? You're a fan?

I'm a huge fan.
Really?

I'd kill to see
one of his shows.
Hm.

It just makes me mad.
Mm.

You and me both.
I can't believe that bum

is this close by
and hasn't even called me.

Who?

Clint.

Black. We're old friends.

What're you doing?
Checking my driver's license.

I wanna make sure
I wasn't born yesterday.

Okay.

Yeah, you don't believe me,
don't believe me.

It's okay.
You actually know
Clint Black? The Clint Black?

Didn't I just say that?

How do you know him?

We used to hang out
together.

You know, before he was
anybody.

Well, gee, if you really
do know him, you think...

Yeah?
...you know, you could maybe--

Get tickets?
Um...well...

for you, uh...

okay, I'll see
what I can do.

Brian, if you can
really pull this off,

I promise I won't
forget it.
Hm.

I can't believe you actually
know Clint Black.

Oh, come--
Will you relax?

He's-- He's just
another guy.

Clint Black. Heh.

Who's Clint Black?

( upbeat theme playing )

Look...it's
one baggage-o

per ticket-o...
or no fly-o.

Pay extra-o.
Oh, Roy?

He obviously doesn't
understand you.

Now, it just so happens
that I know a little Spanish.

Uh-- Uh, allow me.
Señor, no es permito mas--

Pardon. Pardon, Madame.

Je ne vous
comprends pas.

Oh, uh...
y-you speak French.

Well, uh,
let's see. Um...

( in French accent )
Only one, um...

Uh, le suitcase pour,

uh, le passenger.

Oh. Merci. Oh.

It's amazing how

a foreign language
comes back to you.

( chuckles )

Hey, Alex.
Helen...

I've gotta ask you something.

Yeah?

Does Brian know
Clint Black?

Clint Black,
the singer?

( giggles )

Is that what
he told you?

Well, I mean--
( giggles )

And you believed him?

Well, I didn't say that.

I just thought--
( laughing )

Okay, okay. I fell for it.

I don't mean to
laugh at you.

It's just that is such
vintage Brian. Heh.

Once he told this girl
in high school

that he knew one of
the Apollo astronauts.

And he even called her up
on the phone

in this really nasally
voice,

and told 'em he was calling
long-distance from the moon.

And she bought it?

Well, he did sound real,
and I was kind of lonely.

He said he could get tickets
to see Clint Black.

So let him.
At least you'll

get to see the show.

No. If he doesn't know him,
there's no way.

The concert's
completely sold out.

Even better. Watching Brian
squirm out of a lie

is some of the best
entertainment available today.

Watch and learn.
Hey, Brian. Thanks.

Alex told me that

you could get us tickets
to see Clint Black.

"Us?"

Uh, well, she told me
that you knew him,

and so we figure,

you know, it'd be just
as easy to get three as two.

Did you?
I-I hope
that's not a problem.

I mean, you and Clint being
friends and all, I figured--

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no.
No problem at all.

You know Clint well enough
to get two tickets,

you know him well enough
to get...three.

You're good.

Well, once Brian
starts tap dancing,

it's just a matter of
knowing when to roll

the marbles
across the floor.

( upbeat theme playing )

Yes, hello. Uh,
ticket office?

Yes. Uh, this is
Monsignor Hackett.

I'm calling for the cardinal
about tickets

to the Clint Black concert.

Yes-- Yeah--
Yes, I'm aware that the cardinal

already has his tickets,
but, uh,

he also would like
the three seats behind him

to be kept vacant.

Yes. The cardinal is a nut
about wearing his hat.

And he-- Hello?

What was that?
( hangs up )

Just trying to score tickets
to see Clint Black

in concert for tonight.

Why? You don't even
like country music.

Yeah, I know, but Alex does,
and I promised her seats. So...

Oh, what's that, Lucy? You say
you're in a bit of a pickle?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh. Oh, wait a minute.

Don't tell me you dusted off
that old, uh,

"we're old buddies"
routine?

Yes, I did.

Ah. After all the stupid
things I've pulled,

I knew she'd never believe
I'd be stupid enough

to pull that one.

But I fooled her. Heh. I am.

Great, fine.

L-look, I just want you
to know something.

Just because you and I have been
competing for Alex

doesn't mean that I'm secretly
hoping that this'll blow up--

( laughs )

God, I can't even say that
with a straight face.

Brian. Listen, uh,

tell Joe I checked out
those cylinders,

and they're okay.
Yeah, sure.

Wait. Lowell, Lowell,
come here, come here.

Uh...

Oh, man. W-would you
by...any chance

know anyone who's got
three tickets

to see Clint Black tonight?

Three tickets
to see Clint Black.

Huh. Three tickets.

Whoa. Sorry, Brian,
I can't help you out.

I had a heck of a time getting
ahold of these four tickets.

Wait, wait. Lowell,
Lowell. Wait, wait.

Y-you got four tickets
to see him?

I didn't know you were
a fan.

Well, actually, I've
never seen him, uh...

dance?

Sing.

Rock 'n' roll?
Country.

Rockabilly?

I have no idea.
Th-- This is unbelievable.

You have four tickets
to see him,

you don't even know
who he is?

Well, it doesn't matter.
I mean,

Tucker, Thom, Dewey and I
just go to the concerts

to find stuff
under the bleachers.

Hey. You know, when the Rolling
Stones were in town,

I got 13.50
and a glass eye.

I'll give you
two hundred bucks.

Gosh, I don't know, Brian.

I mean, I still
get a lot of laughs

when I pop it out of
my mouth at parties.

Lowell. I'm talking
about the tickets.

Wanna buy them from you.
Oh, he-- No.

These guys are my friends, and
they've been looking forward

to this concert
for a long time.

I can't let 'em down.
I'm sorry, Brian.

I-- I can't help you.

Three hundred bucks.

I didn't say they were
good friends.

Hey, girls.
Hey, Brian.

Oh, by the way, uh...
spoke to Clint and, uh,

everything's set for tonight.

Wait, you-- You actually got
three tickets, Brian?

Well, no, uh, heh,
actually, four.

Lowell wants to
go too, you know.

Gosh.

Brian, I'm--
I'm really impressed.

Yeah, well, uh, maybe
this'll teach you both

never to doubt me.

When I tell you I know
somebody, I know them.

So what do
you say, uh,

you guys meet me
back here at 6:00?

We'll go out, have something
to eat. Then we'll be...

on our way.

Great.
Okay.

Can't wait to meet him.

Meet who?

Well, Clint Black.

Oh. Oh, Brian, you're
not gonna go all that way

to see your friend
in concert

and then not go
backstage, are you?

No, no, no. Uh, uh,
you know-- Uh, I was.

There's not
a problem, is there?

No. No, no.
'Cause you
know him, right?

Absolutely.

You don't think you can
get backstage to see Clint

merely by slipping
a security guy

a hundred-dollar bill...

do you?

No way. You'd
have to know him.

Uh, r--
Right. Right.

Lucky thing I know him.

He doesn't
know him.

( Clint Black playing
"Nobody's Home" )

( crowd cheering )

Since you left
Everybody says

I'm not the guy
They've known

The lights are on

But nobody's home

The lights are on

But nobody's home

( song ends, cheering )

CLINT:
People of Boston,
thanks for coming.

Whoo!
Whoo!

Yeah. Great concert.
Oh. What a hunk.

Do you think Brian was able to
get those backstage passes?

Look, Alex,

I know the air's
a little thin way up here

in the "we know Clint Black"
section, but get real.

This is the closest
you're gonna get to him.

Lowell, you've hardly
seen any of the concert.

What're you doing
down there?

Well, let me answer that
question with a question, Helen.

In the last fifteen minutes,

did either one of you
lose a retainer?

No.
Oh, yes!

Brian, where
have you been?

You missed
the whole last set.
Oh.

Man, I was, uh--

I was backstage
talking to Clint's manager.

Bad news. Right after
the show,

he's gotta go
back to Nashville.

No, he doesn't.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
He does. He does.

So I think we might
as well--

Clint's not leaving. There's
a party tonight at his hotel.

Uh, are you sure
about that?

Yeah, my girlfriend's uncle
is the bass player's cousin.

Gee, Brian, I wonder
why his manager

would tell you
he's leaving.
( sighs )

Well...it's fairly
obvious, isn't it?

He resents my friendship
with Clint.

Where did you say
the party was?

Clint's hotel.
Oh, no. Not that place.

Gee, with traffic and all,
we'd have to--

It's right across
the street.

--really make sure that
we stay in the crosswalk.

We don't want to get ourselves
a jaywalking ticket, now, do we?

Well, thank you
very much, my dear.

And I'll see you across
the street in room, uh...

The penthouse.
The roomy penthouse.

Yes, of course. The one that,
uh, Clint always opts for

when he plays, uh,
this place.
Lowell?

Lowell?
Oh. Right here, Helen.

Come on, let's go.
Okay.

Hey. A wallet.

Whoa. Oh, it's full
of money...

credit cards...

pictures of my kids...

( grunts )

Let's go.

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN ( on TV ):
Stay tuned as the Lucy
marathon continues.

Next, Lucy takes a job
at a candy factory.

Hey. How many of these shows
can you take?

It's-- It's like
my mother's baked ziti.

One bite
and I can't stop.

Of course...Lucy
doesn't make you feel

like you have a potato
stuck in your windpipe,

but then...

There is something about
this show that bothers me.

You mean, how come
Ricky was

in this country
all those years

and never lost
that annoying accent?

What accent?

No, I mean what
Brian said.

Now, maybe no person
in the real life

would do such
crazy things.

Would it have killed you

to bribe a couple of
waiters our size?

Listen, listen, listen.
I did the best I could.

Okay, so, just--
Just...stop it.

Just stick by me
and blend in, okay?

( piano music playing )

Oh, o-okay.

There he is.
There he is. There's Clint.

Oh, okay. All I have
to do now is...

talk him into meeting

Alex and Helen, and
get the hell out of here.

Okay. Lowell,
you follow me.

Grab those
hors d'oeuvres.

Lowell. Lowell.

Use the tray.

Right. Uh, I didn't
wanna seem greedy.

Champagne? Huh?
Champagne? Hm?

Champagne?

Excuse me.
Oh, uh, thanks. Sure.

Uh-- Really enjoyed
the show tonight.

Thank you.
Glad you could, uh,

get off work
to come down.

Hey.

Look. Whoa-woo.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Can I have
one of those?

Lowell, Lowell.

( chuckles )
Come here. Come here.

What're you doing?

Well, I was-- I was
trying to hide the ones

I already took
a bite out of.
Right.

Please, please
don't make

the security guy
suspicious.

I said just try to
blend in, okay?

Blend in,
okay?

( all gasp )
Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.

That's
all right.
Oh, I'm--

Oh, way to blend.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. Black.

I'm so sorry.
It's okay. I'll just, uh...

It's, uh, my party. I guess
the drinks should be on me.

Ha! I got it!

Hey, yeah.

Whoa. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, drinks are on him.

( both laughing )

Hey. Huh?

You boys aren't really
waiters now, are you?

We've gotta get
back inside.

I know what
you mean.

Those people are gonna be
expecting dessert.

( upbeat theme playing )

Lowell. Hurry up,
will you? I'm freezing.

I'm coming.
What's the matter?

You're not acrophobic, are you?

No. I-I love spiders.

That's "arachnophobic."

Acrophobic is a fear of heights.

Right. Right.

But, you know, now
that you mention it,

I once had a dream where I
fell off a 30-story spider.

So I guess that
would make me

arachno-acrophobic.

You know, come to
think of it,

I-- I landed in
a small, dark

enclosed space...
so that would make me

claustro-arachno-acrophobic--

Give me your hand.
Give me your hand. Okay?

Rocky-dokey.
Come on. Come on, careful.

Give me
your hand. Careful.

All right.
Ah.

( exhales )

Has anyone ever told you
that you have soft hands?

Like a girl's?

Yeah.

Okay, look...

Now pay attention, okay?

As soon as you
get inside...okay,

I want you to distract
the security guy while I go

and smooth things over
with Clint.

All right.
Then, listen to me.

Then take the elevator down
to the lobby,

you pick up Alex and Helen,
and bring 'em up here.

Okay?
Yeah, okay.

Uh, except...

Alex and Helen are
already in the party.

So I don't think
they're gonna

wanna go down
to the lobby with me...

and then come back
up to the party.

Well, how the hell--?
Ah. All right.

Well, that-- That changes
our plans a little.

All right. Follow me.
Do what I do. Okay.

Oh! Damn!
It's locked.

Ooh.

Damn.
It's locked.

I can't believe it,
it's so cool.

We're actually in
Clint Black's hotel room.

I can't wait to rub
Brian's nose in this one.

We got in
and they didn't.

Hm-hm.
Oh, but they're close.

Well, if it isn't
Lucy and Ethel.

Hey. Hey, how'd you guys,
uh, get up here?

We met a couple guys
in the lobby,

and they invited us up.

What're you guys
doing out there?

Ah, well, you know,

the party was getting
a little...stuffy

and, uh, Lowell here
is claustrophobic.

Oh.

Brian, I thought I was telling
you that in confidence.

So, obviously
you guys, uh...

Uh, met Clint
already

and found out he's
a really nice guy,

so there's no sense
sticking around--

No. Actually, we waited
'cause we knew

that you wanted to
introduce him to us.

So, uh, there
he is over there.

BRIAN:
But-- So he is.

Listen, why don't you
chat with the ladies here,

and I'll go,
uh, get him.

Right.

Ah.

Excuse me, Mr. Black?

Hey, uh-- Oh, heck,
watch that drink.

This is my only other jacket.
Right.

No, that's okay,
that's okay.

Uh, my-- My shift is over,
and-- And I'm sorry.

And-- And I just wanted
to apologize for before.

That's okay,
don't worry about it.

Just, uh, enjoy the party.
Okay.

Have a good time.
Thanks.
Thanks. Listen, Clint.

I'm sorry. You don't mind
if I call you Clint, do you?

Uh, no.
But listen, listen.

You know, you-- You would
really be helping me out--

You would be really helping
me out, uh, i-if you'd just--

If you'd just do me
this one little favor.

Uh, just, I--
Hey, Clint. Phone.

You wanna
call 'em back?

Uh, no. I, uh,
really need to talk to,

um, whoever that is.

I'll, uh, be
right back. Excuse me.

Oh, but, you know,
it'll just take a second.

Just a--
I'll be right back.

It'll take
less than a second.

A nanosecond.

Hey. I know
what you're thinking.

And, uh,
why don't I just,

you know,
save you the trouble.

( sighs )

Ooh.

( upbeat theme playing )

All right, what did you say
your name was?
Rebecca Howe.

You know what, Clint.
You can just call me Becky.

Becky, I'd love to
help you, but, uh,

I have to leave town
first thing in the morning.

Oh, that works for me. Could you
come with me right now?

Please. I told my friends
at the bar

that I know you real well.
Sorry.

Maybe I could take a rain check
and, uh, do it next year.

Next year. Well, we don't know
where we're gonna be next year.

I'm sorry. I--
All right, fine. Fine.

Let me tell you something. I'm
not calling at night anymore.

No more banana bread.
Who do you think you are?

Gene Autry?
I don't think so.

Hey, Slick.
Oh.

What's with the flowers?

Well, the gift shop was
out of chocolates, and, uh,

I hate coming to parties
empty-handed.

You really stink
at this, you know that?

I don't know how you
got the tickets,

but...why don't you
admit it?

You don't know Clint Black.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

I think we saw
Clint Black in concert.

I think we're in Clint Black's
hotel room right now.

And lucky for me,
he's coming here right now.

Just give me a minute
with him alone. Just--

No. Excuse me, Mr. Black?
Yes? Hi.

You don't know me, but this guy
has been going on and on

all day about how you
and he are best buddies.

Is that true?
No.

I knew it.

Ha-ha.
I'm kidding.

Heh.
Actually, uh-- Uh...

how've you been,
Brian?

Ha-ha-ha--
Better.
Good, yeah?

Uh, where've you been?
You get the tickets okay?

( laughs uncomfortably ):
Yeah.

( giggles )

I can't
believe this.

You-- You actually
know him?
Huh-heh-heh.

Yeah. I've known Brian
for years.

Uh, tell her about
the first time we met.

Uh, nah, nah.

You-- You--
You tell it better.

Yeah, I-- I was
working in a club.

Brian was working
there as a waiter.

Right.
And he came over

and spilled an entire tray
of drinks on me.
( laughs )

Stop it. You're
embarrassing me. Clint.

This is so cool.

( giggles )
Oh, listen, listen.

( clears throat )
Clint.

Clint.

Uh, I'd like you to
meet Alex Lambert.

She's a big fan
of yours.

Hi, how are you?
Nice to meet you.

Any friend of Brian's...
Hm.

This is
so cool.

Heh-heh-heh.
This is just really...

cool.
( Brian giggling )

Listen, y'all are gonna
stick around, right?

We've got a lot of
catching up to do.

Oh. Heck,
you know me, Clint.

You gotta throw me
out of here.

( chuckles )
Yeah, I know.

Brian, I'm sorry
I doubted you.

Mm, hey. Sometimes I can't
believe I know Clint Black.

Hm.

That was so cool.
( giggles )

Do you ever watch
a heavyweight fight,

and one guy's getting
beat up so badly

that the referee has to
come in and stop it?

You set this up?

Hey, you
provided me

with a whole evening
of entertainment.
Oh.

Thank you. Thank you.

I guess...this is what
friends are for, huh?

Yep.
Always there for each other.

Yep.
Through thick and thin.

Yep.
You're gonna make me

pay for this for the rest
of my life, aren't you?

Yep.
Heh-heh.

( upbeat theme playing )

I owe you.
Uh, no, you don't.

Yes, I do. I definitely
owe you for tonight.

And not just for
the tickets.

I never should have
doubted you.

But you have to admit,
I mean,

it did sound like
one of your scams.

Well, yeah, I suppose
I'd feel the same way

if I were in your place.

Is there any chance of that,
uh, by the way?

I always carry
my toothbrush.

Right.
Hm-hm, right.

You know, before
when I was sure

you didn't know
Clint Black,

I was thinking
that...anyone

who would go to
all that trouble

and jump through
all those hoops

just to...impress me,

well...you can't
help but be flattered

and even a little attracted
to a guy like that.

Really?

Of course, when I
found out

that you really
did know him,

kind of took the air
out of it.

Well...see you.

( plaintive theme playing )

( mellow piano theme playing )