Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Gift: Part 2 - full transcript

( upbeat piano theme playing )

ANNOUNCER:
Last week on Wings:

The Wharf Playhouse
is putting on a production

of Phantom of
the Oprah.

It's about a deranged
ex-producer

of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Wonder if they need
a leading man.

Maybe they have parts
for all of us.

That string quartet gig, huh?

I know I kept saying that
music was out of my system,

but I was just
kidding myself.



I miss it so much,
Brian.

I think we should buy Helen...

a new cello.

Where are we gonna
get $15,000?

The real point is how many
chances do we have

to change a person's life?

( plucks strings )

How could you guys
do this to me?

Well...

wire it up, pop
a pleated shade on it,

be a darned nice
floor lamp.

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Okay, uh, let's rehearse
the opening number.

Places everyone.



( ragtime music playing )
And five, six, seven, eight.

ALL:
Phantom, shantom
I don't believe in phantoms

I never have
I never shall, not I

I believe in me
And that's the thing, you see

That gets me by

That gets me by

You know, I must admit, the
first time we did that number,

I was a little skeptical,
but now I'm sure. Ha-ha.

We stink on ice.

Where's Helen?

Uh, in her
kitchen.
( door closes )

Uh, uh, okay, everybody,
remember costume fittings

tomorrow morning
at 10 a.m.

Roy?
Mm?

Wear underwear.

Helen, come out here.
HELEN: Go away.

Helen.

Look, I don't want to
talk about this.

Yeah, well, we're going to.
What the hell just happened?

I can't accept that cello.

I don't mean
to seem ungrateful.

it's just that
the last thing I need

is you two
taking pity on me.

Oh, Helen, we didn't
give it to you out of pity.

We gave it
out of friendship.

You don't understand.
Come on.

This just sends
a message to me

that my life
is so pathetic

that you two
need to ride in

on your white horses
and save me.
Oh.

It was just supposed to be
a friendly gesture.

A gesture?

I saw that cello.
That's a hand-crafted Rumati.

Those sell for
almost $12,000.

You only went to
one store, didn't you?

Helen.
Helen, Helen.

You-- You're
taking this all wrong.

Are you-- Are you
listening to me? Listen.

You-- For twenty years
you were there for us.

Okay, when Joe crashed the
plane, you were there for us.

I was on the plane.
I had no choice.

Heh. Yeah, but afterwards
you did all those nice things

to cheer us up. Like
you made those brownies.

Not $12,000 worth
of brownies.

( sighs)
Fifteen.

God, did you only
go to one store?

Helen, look. Look. It would make
us happy to give you this.

Let us be there for you,
just this once.

I could never
pay you back.

I'll tell you what...

Go to that audition...
get the job.

We'll call it even.

This is probably the...

most wonderful thing

anybody's ever done for me.

I love you guys.

( sniffles )
Hey, now.

If you don't want to
see me cry,

let's just leave it
at that.
Okay.

( sighs )

( blows nose )

You crying, Joe?
Only if you are.

No way.
Yeah, me either.

( upbeat theme playing )

( playing cello )

Enough!

Very nice.
Very nice indeed.

We'll call you.

Don't wait
by the phone.

Are you here to audition?
Yes, sir, I am.

Come, come, come, come.

Whoa. Babe alert.
I want her.

Shut up, Johnny!

Allow me to introduce
our quartet.

I, of course, am Karl Spengler.

Here in black,

she with
the laughing eyes...

Miss Lydia Detmeir.

There, on violin,
Mr. Johnny

"no relation to
the electronics giant" Toshiba.

Now, tell us a little
something about yourself.

Oh. Okay, um...

well, I'm
originally from Texas--

Too much!

What is your musical
background?

( chuckles ):
Oh. I see.

Um...

Uh...
( chuckles )

Being up here
I feel a little bit

like I'm on a talk show.

Ja. We are forced to
share the theater with

a pathetic little acting troupe

putting on a production
of Phantom of the Oprah.

( chuckles ):
Have you ever heard
of anything so stupid?

Yeah, actually, a few of
my friends are in it.

Points off.

Continue.

Oh, um, well, uh...

I played in the Sconset
High School Chamber Orchestra.

And then, um...

I didn't do much
for the next ten years.

And...

finally I was offered
second chair

in the Boston Philharmonic.

I mean it, Karl. I really,
really want her.

Shut up, Johnny!

You're
very pretty.

Do you consider yourself
pretty?

Oh. W-well--

Oh, just play,

for God's sake, play.

( plays cello )

MAN:
Stop!

Stop this audition.

This-- This is a travesty.

How dare you try to
replace me.

Catlow, we have been

over this
time and time again.

You were once a valued member
of the quartet,

but you are voted out.

Now, shoo. We have work to do.

But-- But I founded this group.
Ja.

And at our last performance
you wore a tuxedo shirt

and bicycle pants.

We have work
to do.

Now get back down to the beach
with your metal detector

and find yourself
some change.

Spengler...

I promise you,

if I am not in
this string quartet,

there will be no
string quartet.
Mm.

Mm.

You know what,
Mr. Spengler,

why don't I just play
for you some other time?

Sit!

This is your scheduled
appointment.

The fact that I am
so angry

my brain is about to explode
out of my head

and across the room
should be of no concern to you.

Now, play.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Morning, Helen.
Morning, Fay.

( clattering )

Well, you certainly
seem to be in a bad mood.

Uh, luckily,
I have some news

that'll
cheer you right up.

The woman who was supposed to
play Oprah Winfrey in the show

slipped and sprained her ankle,

so now they're
giving me her part.

I didn't get picked
for the string quartet.

Well, isn't this awkward?

Ha-ha. There she is.
Oh.

Oh, the newest member
of the Nantucket String Quartet.

Oh, well...
Oh, come on, yeah.

Now, now. I had
a vision last night.

I just know they're
gonna call you

and offer you
that quartet gig.

Oh, well, you know,
they did call...

See?
See. Huh?

And, uh...

they told me I lost the job
to someone else.

Oh, honey, I'm
really sorry.

I know how much
this meant to you.

There's gotta be other groups
you can audition for.

Oh, right. I didn't make it
in the Nantucket String Quartet.

Where do you go
from there?

Down to the docks with
a tin cup and a monkey?

Just take the cello,
get your money back.

Well, now, Helen,
we can't do that.

Absolutely not.
We're not gonna

let you give up
this easily.

Yeah-- Well, no. I mean,
we can't get our money back.

Music store has
an exchange-only policy.

What?

You're telling me
we have a $15,000 credit

at a music store?

Great. Now we can start
that marching band

we've always
dreamed of.

Miss Chapel.

Mr. Spengler.
What are you doing here?

I have come here
to welcome you

as the newest member of
the Nantucket String Quartet.

( all cheering )

Oh, wow, you did it.
Oh, that is--

When...

you are finished...

We practice tonight,
7:00 sharp.

Oh, Mr. Spengler.
I'm a little confused.

Um, I thought you
picked somebody else.

We did. But that
fell through.

The important thing is
you not consider yourself

our second choice.

Oh. No, I wouldn't.
Heh.

Good. Because
you're our third choice.

( pensive theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( kids laughing )

( hammering
loudly )

Lowell. Lowell.

Lowell.

I-- I know you are playing
the part of a stagehand,

but...why do you have to
rehearse hammering?

Antonio, Antonio.

Might as well ask, why did
that actor gain sixty pounds

to play the role
of Jake La Motta

in Raging Bull.

De Niro?

Of course it was
for the money.

( clapping )

Okay, kids, kids,
lots of work to do.

Come on, let's
get off our duffs

and make some magic,
shall we?

All right. Now we're going
to try and put it on its feet,

and then pull it
all together.

I hate this man.

All right.
Lighting.

Let me see the scary
flickering.

Thank you,
lighting.

Sound, uh, let me hear
the Phantom laugh.

( man laughing )

Thank you, sound.

A-- All right,
special effects.

This is where
the hundred-pound sandbag

comes crashing to the stage.

I think we can make that
effect a little more special.

Let's move on,
shall we?

All right, Lowell.

Our Phantom had a dental
appointment this afternoon.

How would you
like to play the part?

W-would I?
Uh, yeah.

I mean, the role I have now
a chimp could play.

Uh, what do you
want me to do?

Swing in on a rope.

All right. Okay.
Okay. Now, Roy.

Yeah?
Roy.

Yeah?
Roy.

( clears throat )
All right, Roy,

this is where you,
as the producer,

are counting us
out of a commercial.

And...action.

Not yet, Lowell.

Swing in
when I yell

"Action, Phantom."

Okey-dokey.

Roy.

Okay. We're back in five,

four, three, two--

Wait. Let me
just stop you, Roy.

You see, just something
to remember.

Theater is not
down here.

Theater is
up here.

Let's try it
again.

Okay. We're back
in five,

four, three, two--

Oh, yes, that's much
better, isn't it?

Let's jump ahead,
shall we?

To, uh...
Fay's line:

"Bernardo, when did you first
realize" dot, dot, dot.

Bernardo. When did
you first realize

that you were
only attracted to women

who used to be men?

Well, I was
in a restaurant.

Uh, I saw this woman
at another table.

She was beautiful.

But...there was
something else.

I'll say there was.

( women laughing )

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

( clears throat )

Continue, Fay. Fay.
( clears throat )

Um, let's hear from
the studio audience.

Bernardo, did you ever think
maybe that you're confused

about your own
sexual identity?

Well, uh, I suppose
that's possible.

( piano playing )

Confused

Why am I so confused?

Why can't I be
Like other men

Who have no yen

For women
Who used to be guys?

Why do I like gals

Who were previously
My pals?

Why do I like them?

Tell me why

And applause, applause,
applause.

And action,
Phantom.

Phantom.

Lowell!

Yeah?

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Helen. I've been
so busy with the play

I haven't thought to ask you how
your rehearsals have been going.

Oh, just keeps getting
weirder and weirder.

When that bald guy isn't
yelling at me in German...

the ghoulish Lydia
keeps staring at me

asking me if I think
of myself as pretty.

Well, if you're
that unhappy,

why don't
you just quit?

God, I'd love to.

But I don't wanna disappoint
Joe and Brian.

I mean, they went into major
debt to buy me that cello.

Oh, Helen. Your friends
are here.
Oh, God.

ROY:
Oh, this must be important.

They're taking
a hell of a chance

coming out
in the daylight.

Ah, Helen. We have
something to tell you.

Yes?

Do you want to tell her?
No, you tell her.

I'm much
too excited.

We are going on tour.

What?

We travel by van.

Fifty performances
in forty-nine days.

It is like
a bookmobile,

only we bring
classical music

to those who aren't
usually exposed to it.

Or want to be.
( laughing )

She has been
like this all morning.

( laughing )

I can't stop her.

Oh, you know,
that sounds really super.

But, um, you know,
I just can't up and leave

my lunch counter here.

I mean, these people
need me.

Isn't that right?

No, not really.
( chuckling )

Go enjoy yourself.
Send us a postcard.

Listen to him, whoever he is.

Sorry I didn't
introduce you.

Thank you.

Come, bubula.
We must pack.

We leave right after
the concert.

( groans )

Nope, that's it.
I've had it.

I'm quitting
the string quartet.

Well, I thought you said
you couldn't quit

because Joe and Brian
gave you that cello.

They could give me
a cello, a Steinway,

a Stradivarius and a
diamond-studded music stand,

I am not spending
the next fifty days

in a van with
the Addams family.

I'm telling you, Joe,
it's just one of those things

where the minute I saw it,
I just knew I had to have it.

Ah, hey, that's
beautiful.

Helen's gonna love it.

Helen?

( knock on door )

Guys. There's something
I have to tell you.

And there's something
that we have to tell you.

Well, why don't you go first.
Your news looks bigger.

Yeah, it's not much
of a surprise now,

but we got you this dress
for your debut performance.

Oh, guys, you didn't
have to do that.

Yes, we did. Helen,
we're enjoying this.

We want to do it.
I'm telling you,

ever since we bought
that cello,

it's like we've become,

I don't know, your sponsors,
or some--

Yeah, sort of like
the way people must feel

when they own a race horse,
you know?

You get the excitement of
going out to the track,

you bring your friends,
watch your horse run,

you grab some of the glory
for yourself.

Right, right. So just think
of this dress as sort of a--

A, uh, new saddle.
Hm.

Well, as flattering as that is
to be compared to a horse, I--

Aw, now come on.
You know what we mean.

Come on, we're just--
We're proud of you.

Put it on.
Try it on.

Here you go.
Try it on.

Come on, put your hands
through the sleeve.
Here we go.

Okay. Oh.
There it is.

Oh.

This is so strange.

I never put a dress
on a woman before.

Listen, a-as beautiful
and everything as this is,

there's something that
I have to tell you.

All right.

Right after the concert
tonight...
Yeah?

I'm going with the quartet
on a fifty-city tour.

All right! This is great.
We did it.

Oh, we are so
proud of you.

You must feel fantastic.
Oh,
I do. I really do. I'm just--

Well, um, thank you.

And this is such
a beautiful dress.

And, uh,

I'll see you after
the concert tonight.

Bye, guys.
BOTH: Bye.

Oh.

Ah, it-- It's gonna be
something seeing her

up on that stage, playing
her music, you know.
Hm.

You bringing your Walkman?
Absolutely. You?

Oh.

( upbeat theme playing )

Just think, tomorrow night
we're going to be

up on that very stage

performing Phantom of
the Oprah.

Just hope we get
this good a crowd.

I just hope
they stay a crowd,

and don't turn
into an angry mob.

Friends, I have
terrible news.

I spoke to
our director.

They've canceled
Phantom of the Oprah.

Thank God.
Oh. What happened?

He said we lost
our backers.

Well, how could that be?

They watched our rehearsals
yesterday.

And right after, they said
they refused to have the name

of Leo's Sludge and Septic
associated with such garbage.

Well, I'm
so disappointed.

I was born to play Oprah.

I'll never get a chance to play
a part like that again.

I know how you must feel, Fay.

There's so few good parts

for black women these days.

Oh.

( applause )

( playing slow classical music )

( applauds )
Bravo. Brav--

That...wasn't the end
of the piece.

If you'd all backed me up,
it might've been.

CROWD:
Shh.

What's going on?

That's exactly what
happens in our play.

( man laughing )

( crowd screaming )

Who did this?
Who's responsible?

( laughing maniacally )

That happens
in our play too.

I think they're
trying to rip us off.

It's The Phantom.

What is the meaning
of this?

Oh. It's Winston
Catlow.

CROWD ( in unison ):
Who?

Catlow. Have you gone
out of your mind?

I promised you
this quartet

would not perform
without me.

This is outrageous.

That's it.
The performance is over.

Everybody go home.

Giving orders again,
I see.

You are a tyrant.
I am not a tyrant.

I am Austrian.
Drop the curtain.

Well, that was nice.

Should we have a bite
to eat on the way home?

( upbeat piano theme playing )

( sighs )
Hey.

So ends another
chapter

in my brilliant
career.

So, w-what happened?
What happened?

Well, the quartet
officially disbanded.

Spengler's out
in the parking lot

mumbling something
in German.

Little Johnny's
grounded.

And, uh, last I saw,

Lydia was resting comfortably
in my cello case.

You can't feel too bad about
getting away from those people.

I don't know how you put up
with them for so long.

I had to. For you guys.

What?

Well, you know
all that stuff

about how proud
you were of me?

And buying me
this beautiful dress.
Oh.

And...telling me
I was a horse.

What else was I
gonna do?

Well...I-I-I think maybe
we just...

got too involved.

No, really. This cello has
brought you nothing but trouble.

No. It got me
playing again.

And I have you guys
to thank for that.

You know, I feel
bad though.

You were so excited
about hearing me play,

and you didn't get to.

Well...
Yeah, sure we did.

You were great.
Oh, no, no, no.

That was nothing.

Why don't you
take a seat,

and I'll give you
a private concert.

Well, that--
That won't be necessary.

Oh, no, I insist.

( plays slow song )

Think she could see us
from over there?

Well, it's
pretty dark in here.

She always looks
at her fingers.

Great.

( upbeat piano theme playing )