Wings (1990–1997): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Gift: Part 1 - full transcript
( upbeat piano theme playing )
You know, last night I noticed
on takeoff that there was
a lot less shimmy
in the plane.
What'd you do?
Change the gap on the plugs?
Yeah, I had Lowell
do it yesterday.
That's a very astute
observation there, Brian.
Since when have you been
using words like "astute"?
What are you talking about?
I use words like "astute"
all the time.
Words like "astute," maybe,
but I've never heard
"astute"
come out of your mouth
in all my life.
Really?
I swear to God!
You're kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Well, I guess
the opportunity
to use it in a sentence
never came up before.
Until today.
Until today.
Would you two
please stop it?!
Just stop it!
Don't you have anything else
to talk about?
"This is the first time
you've said 'astute.'"
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
If you don't stop,
I'm going out to my cab
and blow my brains out.
Antonio, how many cups
of coffee have you had today?
Seven.
You know, I would really try
to cut down a little
if I were you.
I'll try, Joe. Thanks.
Very astute.
( groans )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hi, Fay.
Hi, Brian.
Hey, Brian,
how was the flight?
Boring, as usual.
So far the highlight
of my day
has been recognizing one
of the passengers
from an underwear ad
in a magazine.
Really?
JOE:
Her?
BRIAN:
Him.
It's been one of those days.
FAY:
Oh, uh, listen to this,
Helen.
"Noted cellist and founder
of the Nantucket String Quartet,
"Winston Katlow
has left the group
over artistic differences."
I'll be darned.
Winston Katlow.
You know, he was
my first cello teacher
when I was
a little girl.
He used to throw pencils at me
whenever I made a mistake.
( chuckles )
No, no, no, it sounds mean,
but it made me
a better musician.
It did?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Take another crack
at the meat loaf.
If you ever throw anything
at me again,
I will come over there,
put my thumbs
up your nostrils
and turn your nose
into a hat.
Helen, would you mind making
my lunch before you do that?
A-according
to the paper,
auditions for the quartet will
be held in the near future.
BRIAN:
Hey, why don't you go
for it, Helen?
ANTONIO:
Yes, it sounds perfect
for you.
Oh, perfect? That sounds
perfect to everyone?
Well, listen up.
My music career ended
when Joe crashed
the plane
and my cello sank
to the bottom of the Atlantic.
So if anybody else has
any bright suggestions,
just keep 'em to yourself.
Well, somebody woke up
with a ferret in her trousers.
Oh, listen.
This is interesting.
"The Wharf Playhouse is
putting on a production
of Phantom of the Opera."
Phantom of the Opera, huh?
Oh, that's a good story.
What--? What is
this Phantom of the Opera?
You know, where the disfigured
nutjob lives underneath
the Paris Opera House
and drives everybody zooey
so this young babe
can sing
instead of the fat diva
in the helmet.
We'll be right back
with Theater Beat
and our host,
Alistair Cooke.
Ooh, uh, wait a minute.
I read that wrong.
It's Phantom of the Oprah,
a musical by local
playwright Ernest Freem.
It's about
a deranged ex-producer
of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
"Horribly disfigured
"when a boom mike
fell on him,
"he roams the catwalks
high above the studio,
waiting to exact
his revenge."
I think I'll wait
for A Streetcar Named Donahue.
Yeah, it sounds a little
weird for my taste.
Ah, you thought
South Pacific was weird.
FAY:
It says they're gonna hold
open auditions on Tuesday.
I'd better start
practicing my singing.
I wonder if they need
a leading man.
Maybe there are parts
for all of us.
FAY:
Oh, wouldn't that
be exciting?
Oh, I wonder if Lowell knows.
LOWELL:
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa
Men have named you
He knows.
( upbeat theme playing )
Come on, Brian.
Let's go home.
I'm hungry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, uh--
I've gotta make a pit stop.
I'll catch up with you.
All right,
but make it quick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Helen.
Brian.
You're smoking
a cigarette, Helen.
Yes, I believe I am.
But you don't smoke.
I'm a little upset, okay?
I thought you ate
when you were upset.
Honey, I got a whole
treasure trove of vices.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to get back to
slowly and systematically
killing myself.
Well, whatever works for you.
Ever wonder
about people
who get exactly what
they want out of life?
People like
Walt Disney,
Jonas Salk,
and Cher,
for that matter.
Well, I don't think of those
three as a group usually,
but, uh, I see
what you're saying.
At least you know
what you want out of life.
( scoffs )
No, really.
I'm 31 years old.
I haven't got a clue.
I'm as confused as ever.
Confused I can deal with.
It's this empty feeling
in the pit of my stomach
that's starting
to get on my nerves.
Yeah...
You want that
string quartet gig, huh?
I know I kept saying that
music was out of my system,
but I was just
kidding myself.
I mean, not a day goes by that
I don't hear a piece of music
and wonder what it would
sound like if I were playing it.
I miss it so much, Brian.
Well, Helen,
what I'm about
to say may sound
like it's coming right out
of left field, but...
( sighs )
Why don't you just
get yourself a cello
and go to the audition?
You don't just get yourself
a cello.
A good instrument costs,
like, $15,000.
Fifteen thousand dollars?
Man.
I once saw
the Three Stooges
sled down a hill
on one once.
Can't you just rent
a cello?
Sure, if you want one
that sounds like
the Three Stooges just slid
down a hill on it.
Okay, all right.
So how 'bout this?
Why don't you take
a second job?
Pfft. Doing what?
Anything, anything.
Yeah, and all you need to do
is save up for a down payment
on a cello.
And the monthly payment
will be tough for a while,
but, well,
on the bright side,
your breasts are huge.
I don't know, Brian.
Auditions are
coming up pret-- Brian!
The auditions are
coming up pretty soon.
Yeah, with the right job,
you'll be halfway
to your down payment
by the end of the month.
Maybe, with the right job.
So?
What's stopping you?
Nothing.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, Brian.
Hey, thanks!
Hey, hey!
I come up with a semi-decent
idea every now and again.
You know, I'm kind of excited
about this.
All I need is
a simple job
that pays great,
doesn't require
any training,
and that fits in
with my schedule.
How hard can that be, huh?
Yeah.
Shake a leg,
sweet cakes.
It ain't gonna gut itself.
( upbeat theme playing )
Look, doll, I know it's
your first night and everything,
but we're not here to build
relationships with these things.
You-- You really gotta
speed it up.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying
to get the hang of it.
WOMAN:
Don't worry, honey,
you'll get used to it
in a couple of years.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna
be here that long.
See, there's an audition coming
up for the string quartet,
and I'm just trying to save
enough money to buy a cello.
Oh.
Betty, you're on
sabbatical from,
which is it,
Harvard or Yale?
( both laugh )
Hey, who does
this look like?
Excuse me?
Who does this look like?
Um, Charlie the Tuna?
No, don't be stupid.
A real person.
Am I missing
something here?
Betty collects fish heads
that look like famous people.
Ted Koppel.
Look around the eyes.
If you're ever invited
to Betty's house--
And this is important.
--never ever go
into her den.
You'd better get
a move on.
You don't get any points
for neatness.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just not
an experienced...
monger like yourself.
It's one thing
when you pull it out of the can,
but, I mean,
when you look at it
and realize that moments ago
it had life and maybe a name--
Doll, there are
12 million fish in here,
and they all got
the same story.
"I'm swimming,
I'm dead, I'm dinner."
Okay, I did it.
There's my first fish.
Did it all by myself.
The rush of accomplishment
doesn't last long, does it?
( clears throat )
Be still my heart.
The lord of the manor
approacheth.
Bite it, Doris.
MAN:
How's it going, darling?
Oh, it's just goin' great.
I'm just doing really good,
getting the hang of it,
startin' to enjoy myself.
Yeah, well,
if the time ever comes
and you find you can't hack it
on the line,
I might be able to find
a cushy position for you
up in my office.
Well, if I wanted
something cold and dead,
why would I ever leave here?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Ah, I like this one.
Full of spit and vinegar.
Bet that's what he said
when he picked out
that shirt this morning.
( all laugh )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, where is Antonio?
He was supposed
to be back by now.
What's the big deal,
Fay?
Well, they posted
the cast list
for Phantom of the Oprah
down at the theater.
He went down to see
if any of us got parts.
Boy, I hope I get
the part of Oprah Winfrey.
Oh, please,
please, please.
I wouldn't bank
on it, Cochran.
Janine Toliver
auditioned for that part.
She's Oprah's age,
she's Oprah's build,
and she's black.
You're none
of those things.
That's why
they call it acting.
JOE:
Hey, morning, Helen.
Good morning,
everybody.
FAY: Morning.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I didn't even go home,
I just came straight
from the plant.
( exhales )
I'll just make us
a fresh pot of coffee.
Helen, I can't tell you how much
I admire your perseverance.
To work at this job all day
and another job at night
and still stay so bright
and efficient--
( Helen snoring )
Helen?
My God,
she's asleep.
Great. Let's drag her outside
and hose her off.
Helen? Helen?
Oh, let me get you something.
You fell asleep.
Come on,
you're exhausted.
Why don't you just go home?
No, no, I need
both of these jobs
if I'm gonna
get that cello.
Well, how long
can you keep this up?
I think the question is:
how long can we keep this up?
Look, we've been pussyfooting
around this for a week.
But, damn it, Helen,
you stink.
JOE:
Yeah, it's true,
you know.
Honey, you really do
smell like low tide.
It's just...
All right, all right.
You've made your point.
I smell bad,
I look like hell,
and I'm tired.
But it's a good tired
because I feel better about
myself than I have in ages.
Why?
You wanna know why?
I'll show you.
This is why.
It's my first paycheck.
I am this much closer
to getting that cello
and getting my life
back on track again.
You know how good it feels
to wake up in the morning
with a purpose?
Did she say purpose
or porpoise?
( laughing )
ROY:
Antonio, finally.
Do you have
that cast list?
Yes, yes. I wrote it down
so I wouldn't forget.
Oh, I know I didn't get
the part of Oprah.
No, you didn't.
LOWELL:
All right!
That means
I still have a chance!
No, no.
Janine Toliver got the part,
and Fay is her understudy.
Uh, you also play a member
of the studio audience.
Oh, pooh.
Roy, you play the part
of a producer.
Oh, a producer, huh?
Yes.
You are an overbearing,
pompous windbag.
Sounds like
a great character.
That's not
his character.
I've just been dying
to say that to him.
Well, all right,
what did I get?
Okay, Lowell, you get to play
the part of a stagehand
if you agree to be
a stagehand for the play.
Okay, if I agree to be
a stagehand for the play,
then I can be
a stagehand in--
Whoa, I really--
I've got to stay focused
or this could be very confusing.
How 'bout you,
Antonio?
Oh, uh, I am, uh-- I'm one
of the guests on Oprah's show.
I play a man who is
only attracted to women
who used to be men.
You gotta stay pretty focused
yourself there, guy.
( laughing )
Come here.
( all chuckling )
( mouthing words )
( all laugh )
Come on, what is it?
What is it?
What's going on?
I just called
the packing plant
to confirm my hours--
( all laughing )
Yeah, and...?
FAY: What else?
--and they fired me.
( laughing )
( mouths ):
They fired me.
Why?
Oh, I don't know.
Something about a layoff.
Heh. Oh, what difference
does it make?
Don't you see
the irony here?
I want to be a concert cellist,
and I can't even keep some
disgusting job gutting fish.
( laughs )
Hey, Helen,
I'm really sorry.
Don't you pity me.
That's the last thing
I need right now.
Don't you see? I've learned
a valuable lesson.
Everyone has
a station in life,
and I've found mine
standing behind this counter,
slingin' hash
for the rest of eternity.
May I help you?
What's your fish special?
( sobbing )
What, you couldn't have
ordered a hamburger?
( mellow theme playing )
JOE:
It's 3 a.m., Brian,
can't this wait till morning?
BRIAN:
No, it can't.
It's important.
BRIAN:
Lowell.
Why are you sitting here
in the dark?
It's relaxing.
Yeah, but, Lowell, uh--
The idea of you sitting
alone in here
in the dark
makes me nervous.
Then you should try sitting
in the dark sometime.
It's relaxing.
Come on, Brian.
What is this about?
Uh, I want to call
a family meeting.
Now?
Yes, now!
Come on, this has been
keeping me up for hours.
Lowell...
We'd like
a little privacy.
Would you mind going out
into the living room?
It's dark in there.
You've been sitting here
in the dark--
Brian, Brian, Brian,
don't poke it, don't prod it,
just leave it alone.
Can I be part
of the family meeting?
Well, Lowell, uh,
technically, you're not
a family member.
Oh, I see.
I just cook the meals,
wash the clothes,
clean the house.
I'm just a hired hand.
Hop Sing without the pigtail.
All right, Lowell.
You're a member of the family.
Great, thanks.
Okay.
Now, I've got an idea,
but it's gonna cost us
all some money.
Well, I'll see ya.
Okay, all right, Brian,
now, what is this about
and how much is it gonna cost?
All right, well,
you saw what happened
to Helen today.
I mean, she was
really devastated.
Yeah, I know. How much?
I mean, I've seen her
depressed before,
but never this bad.
I don't think
she's gonna be able
to get herself
back on track.
I have to agree with you,
and I'm really very concerned.
How much?
This is what I'm proposing.
How much?
Oh, will you let me finish?
Sorry, sorry.
I think we should buy Helen
a new cello.
That is a great idea.
Aren't you gonna
ask me how much?
You bet your ass.
How much?
Fourteen or 15.
Whew. Wow!
Oh, that is pretty steep.
But, uh--
Guess you can't put
a price on friendship.
I suppose between us
we could come up
with 14, 1500 bucks.
Yes, I suppose
we could do that, but, uh--
I was talking
more like 14, $15,000.
Are you crazy?
You just said you couldn't
put a price on friendship.
Yeah, well, I was wrong.
You can. It's $1500.
This is Helen
we're talking about here.
Where are we gonna come up
with $15,000?
I've been doing
a little research.
Oh, God. You are
really serious about this.
Fifteen thousand dollars.
Fifteen thousand dollars!
What have we got
that's worth $15,000?
You are sittin' on it.
I am not going
in that line of work.
I'm talking about taking out
a mortgage on the house.
And don't flatter yourself.
Just take a mortgage out on
the house and buy Helen a cello?
Joe, you're not gonna feel it.
We'll spread the payments out.
The real point is,
how many chances do we have
to change a person's life?
Especially somebody
as close to us as Helen?
Let me ask
just one question here.
What's in it for you?
Absolutely nothing.
Which, as far as I can tell,
is the only major flaw.
So, what do you say?
Okay.
You are a beautiful,
beautiful man.
Oh, you're not gonna
kiss me, are you?
Not until you brush
your teeth.
Going to sleep.
You coming?
Wait, you gonna sit here
all alone in the dark?
It's relaxing.
( mellow theme playing )
Okay, Fay, I'm ready
to rehearse.
Oh, uh, fine.
Why don't we do the scene
where Oprah first suspects
that something's gone wrong?
Oh, that's--
That's Act 1, Scene 3.
But, Fay,
you're not
in this scene.
You didn't get
the part of Oprah.
Well, I have to be ready
to go on
in case anything
should happen to Janine.
God forbid.
Oh, Lowell,
come on over.
We're rehearsing now.
Uh, do you need
your script?
No.
Are you sure
you know your lines?
Line, Fay.
I just have one line.
I think
I can handle it.
"Excuse me,
Miss Winfrey.
That phone's
out of order."
Pfft. Okay?
Okay.
Uh, fine.
L-let's, uh--
Let's take it from
where they find that cameraman
crushed under
his own camera.
Uh, top of Page 8.
"Oh, my God.
How could this
have happened, Frank?"
"I don't know, Oprah.
"Looks like the camera fell
over on him by accident.
Or did it?"
"I'd better call the police."
Oh.
"I'd better
call the police."
Lowell.
Huh?
That's your cue.
Oh! Oh, right,
right, uh...
"Excuse me,
Miss Winfrey.
That..."
Line!
Oh, for God's sake!
No, that's not it.
Well, here it is.
All right!
Whoo! Wow.
Yeah.
That's what $15,000
looks like, huh?
Yeah, you wanna take
a closer look?
Ooh!
Brian!
What have you done?
You are so easy!
Man!
Ten dollars,
I bought it in a pawn shop!
Why didn't we just
give her that one?
Here.
The real one
is right out here.
( chuckles )
Least I hope
it's the real one.
So how do you want
to do this?
Uh...
You all right?
Yeah, I-I don't know.
Just, uh, call her in here
and give it to her.
Ho, ho, very impressive,
Mr. Ziegfeld.
Yeah, see.
Now I know
why they call you
the greatest showman on Earth.
Just call her in here.
I'll figure out
something nice to say.
Hey, Helen.
Could you come in here
for a minute?
LOWELL:
"Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.
That..."
FAY, ROY, ANTONIO:
"...phone's out of order!"
Ah, this is
gonna be great.
When she sees this thing,
man, she's gonna flip.
The look on her face is gonna
make it all worthwhile.
( knocking on door )
Come in.
Uh, you guys wanted
to see me?
Yes, uh,
Helen, we did.
We've got something
we want to give you.
So without
further ado--
Joe, Joe, Joe, I think we can
manage a little ado, okay?
Uh...
Helen,
we know what you've
been going through.
And, uh, we know how much
music means to you.
And we love you,
and we want
to help you.
So we, uh,
got you this gift.
And that's just
what it is, a gift,
no strings attached.
That's right.
Well, a-actually
four strings attached.
( both chuckling )
( plucks string )
How could you guys
do this to me?
( door slams )
Well...
wire it up,
pop a pleated shade on it,
be a darned nice floor lamp.
( upbeat piano theme playing )
You know, last night I noticed
on takeoff that there was
a lot less shimmy
in the plane.
What'd you do?
Change the gap on the plugs?
Yeah, I had Lowell
do it yesterday.
That's a very astute
observation there, Brian.
Since when have you been
using words like "astute"?
What are you talking about?
I use words like "astute"
all the time.
Words like "astute," maybe,
but I've never heard
"astute"
come out of your mouth
in all my life.
Really?
I swear to God!
You're kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Well, I guess
the opportunity
to use it in a sentence
never came up before.
Until today.
Until today.
Would you two
please stop it?!
Just stop it!
Don't you have anything else
to talk about?
"This is the first time
you've said 'astute.'"
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
If you don't stop,
I'm going out to my cab
and blow my brains out.
Antonio, how many cups
of coffee have you had today?
Seven.
You know, I would really try
to cut down a little
if I were you.
I'll try, Joe. Thanks.
Very astute.
( groans )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hi, Fay.
Hi, Brian.
Hey, Brian,
how was the flight?
Boring, as usual.
So far the highlight
of my day
has been recognizing one
of the passengers
from an underwear ad
in a magazine.
Really?
JOE:
Her?
BRIAN:
Him.
It's been one of those days.
FAY:
Oh, uh, listen to this,
Helen.
"Noted cellist and founder
of the Nantucket String Quartet,
"Winston Katlow
has left the group
over artistic differences."
I'll be darned.
Winston Katlow.
You know, he was
my first cello teacher
when I was
a little girl.
He used to throw pencils at me
whenever I made a mistake.
( chuckles )
No, no, no, it sounds mean,
but it made me
a better musician.
It did?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Take another crack
at the meat loaf.
If you ever throw anything
at me again,
I will come over there,
put my thumbs
up your nostrils
and turn your nose
into a hat.
Helen, would you mind making
my lunch before you do that?
A-according
to the paper,
auditions for the quartet will
be held in the near future.
BRIAN:
Hey, why don't you go
for it, Helen?
ANTONIO:
Yes, it sounds perfect
for you.
Oh, perfect? That sounds
perfect to everyone?
Well, listen up.
My music career ended
when Joe crashed
the plane
and my cello sank
to the bottom of the Atlantic.
So if anybody else has
any bright suggestions,
just keep 'em to yourself.
Well, somebody woke up
with a ferret in her trousers.
Oh, listen.
This is interesting.
"The Wharf Playhouse is
putting on a production
of Phantom of the Opera."
Phantom of the Opera, huh?
Oh, that's a good story.
What--? What is
this Phantom of the Opera?
You know, where the disfigured
nutjob lives underneath
the Paris Opera House
and drives everybody zooey
so this young babe
can sing
instead of the fat diva
in the helmet.
We'll be right back
with Theater Beat
and our host,
Alistair Cooke.
Ooh, uh, wait a minute.
I read that wrong.
It's Phantom of the Oprah,
a musical by local
playwright Ernest Freem.
It's about
a deranged ex-producer
of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
"Horribly disfigured
"when a boom mike
fell on him,
"he roams the catwalks
high above the studio,
waiting to exact
his revenge."
I think I'll wait
for A Streetcar Named Donahue.
Yeah, it sounds a little
weird for my taste.
Ah, you thought
South Pacific was weird.
FAY:
It says they're gonna hold
open auditions on Tuesday.
I'd better start
practicing my singing.
I wonder if they need
a leading man.
Maybe there are parts
for all of us.
FAY:
Oh, wouldn't that
be exciting?
Oh, I wonder if Lowell knows.
LOWELL:
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa
Men have named you
He knows.
( upbeat theme playing )
Come on, Brian.
Let's go home.
I'm hungry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, uh--
I've gotta make a pit stop.
I'll catch up with you.
All right,
but make it quick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Helen.
Brian.
You're smoking
a cigarette, Helen.
Yes, I believe I am.
But you don't smoke.
I'm a little upset, okay?
I thought you ate
when you were upset.
Honey, I got a whole
treasure trove of vices.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to get back to
slowly and systematically
killing myself.
Well, whatever works for you.
Ever wonder
about people
who get exactly what
they want out of life?
People like
Walt Disney,
Jonas Salk,
and Cher,
for that matter.
Well, I don't think of those
three as a group usually,
but, uh, I see
what you're saying.
At least you know
what you want out of life.
( scoffs )
No, really.
I'm 31 years old.
I haven't got a clue.
I'm as confused as ever.
Confused I can deal with.
It's this empty feeling
in the pit of my stomach
that's starting
to get on my nerves.
Yeah...
You want that
string quartet gig, huh?
I know I kept saying that
music was out of my system,
but I was just
kidding myself.
I mean, not a day goes by that
I don't hear a piece of music
and wonder what it would
sound like if I were playing it.
I miss it so much, Brian.
Well, Helen,
what I'm about
to say may sound
like it's coming right out
of left field, but...
( sighs )
Why don't you just
get yourself a cello
and go to the audition?
You don't just get yourself
a cello.
A good instrument costs,
like, $15,000.
Fifteen thousand dollars?
Man.
I once saw
the Three Stooges
sled down a hill
on one once.
Can't you just rent
a cello?
Sure, if you want one
that sounds like
the Three Stooges just slid
down a hill on it.
Okay, all right.
So how 'bout this?
Why don't you take
a second job?
Pfft. Doing what?
Anything, anything.
Yeah, and all you need to do
is save up for a down payment
on a cello.
And the monthly payment
will be tough for a while,
but, well,
on the bright side,
your breasts are huge.
I don't know, Brian.
Auditions are
coming up pret-- Brian!
The auditions are
coming up pretty soon.
Yeah, with the right job,
you'll be halfway
to your down payment
by the end of the month.
Maybe, with the right job.
So?
What's stopping you?
Nothing.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, Brian.
Hey, thanks!
Hey, hey!
I come up with a semi-decent
idea every now and again.
You know, I'm kind of excited
about this.
All I need is
a simple job
that pays great,
doesn't require
any training,
and that fits in
with my schedule.
How hard can that be, huh?
Yeah.
Shake a leg,
sweet cakes.
It ain't gonna gut itself.
( upbeat theme playing )
Look, doll, I know it's
your first night and everything,
but we're not here to build
relationships with these things.
You-- You really gotta
speed it up.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying
to get the hang of it.
WOMAN:
Don't worry, honey,
you'll get used to it
in a couple of years.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna
be here that long.
See, there's an audition coming
up for the string quartet,
and I'm just trying to save
enough money to buy a cello.
Oh.
Betty, you're on
sabbatical from,
which is it,
Harvard or Yale?
( both laugh )
Hey, who does
this look like?
Excuse me?
Who does this look like?
Um, Charlie the Tuna?
No, don't be stupid.
A real person.
Am I missing
something here?
Betty collects fish heads
that look like famous people.
Ted Koppel.
Look around the eyes.
If you're ever invited
to Betty's house--
And this is important.
--never ever go
into her den.
You'd better get
a move on.
You don't get any points
for neatness.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just not
an experienced...
monger like yourself.
It's one thing
when you pull it out of the can,
but, I mean,
when you look at it
and realize that moments ago
it had life and maybe a name--
Doll, there are
12 million fish in here,
and they all got
the same story.
"I'm swimming,
I'm dead, I'm dinner."
Okay, I did it.
There's my first fish.
Did it all by myself.
The rush of accomplishment
doesn't last long, does it?
( clears throat )
Be still my heart.
The lord of the manor
approacheth.
Bite it, Doris.
MAN:
How's it going, darling?
Oh, it's just goin' great.
I'm just doing really good,
getting the hang of it,
startin' to enjoy myself.
Yeah, well,
if the time ever comes
and you find you can't hack it
on the line,
I might be able to find
a cushy position for you
up in my office.
Well, if I wanted
something cold and dead,
why would I ever leave here?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Ah, I like this one.
Full of spit and vinegar.
Bet that's what he said
when he picked out
that shirt this morning.
( all laugh )
( upbeat theme playing )
Oh, where is Antonio?
He was supposed
to be back by now.
What's the big deal,
Fay?
Well, they posted
the cast list
for Phantom of the Oprah
down at the theater.
He went down to see
if any of us got parts.
Boy, I hope I get
the part of Oprah Winfrey.
Oh, please,
please, please.
I wouldn't bank
on it, Cochran.
Janine Toliver
auditioned for that part.
She's Oprah's age,
she's Oprah's build,
and she's black.
You're none
of those things.
That's why
they call it acting.
JOE:
Hey, morning, Helen.
Good morning,
everybody.
FAY: Morning.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I didn't even go home,
I just came straight
from the plant.
( exhales )
I'll just make us
a fresh pot of coffee.
Helen, I can't tell you how much
I admire your perseverance.
To work at this job all day
and another job at night
and still stay so bright
and efficient--
( Helen snoring )
Helen?
My God,
she's asleep.
Great. Let's drag her outside
and hose her off.
Helen? Helen?
Oh, let me get you something.
You fell asleep.
Come on,
you're exhausted.
Why don't you just go home?
No, no, I need
both of these jobs
if I'm gonna
get that cello.
Well, how long
can you keep this up?
I think the question is:
how long can we keep this up?
Look, we've been pussyfooting
around this for a week.
But, damn it, Helen,
you stink.
JOE:
Yeah, it's true,
you know.
Honey, you really do
smell like low tide.
It's just...
All right, all right.
You've made your point.
I smell bad,
I look like hell,
and I'm tired.
But it's a good tired
because I feel better about
myself than I have in ages.
Why?
You wanna know why?
I'll show you.
This is why.
It's my first paycheck.
I am this much closer
to getting that cello
and getting my life
back on track again.
You know how good it feels
to wake up in the morning
with a purpose?
Did she say purpose
or porpoise?
( laughing )
ROY:
Antonio, finally.
Do you have
that cast list?
Yes, yes. I wrote it down
so I wouldn't forget.
Oh, I know I didn't get
the part of Oprah.
No, you didn't.
LOWELL:
All right!
That means
I still have a chance!
No, no.
Janine Toliver got the part,
and Fay is her understudy.
Uh, you also play a member
of the studio audience.
Oh, pooh.
Roy, you play the part
of a producer.
Oh, a producer, huh?
Yes.
You are an overbearing,
pompous windbag.
Sounds like
a great character.
That's not
his character.
I've just been dying
to say that to him.
Well, all right,
what did I get?
Okay, Lowell, you get to play
the part of a stagehand
if you agree to be
a stagehand for the play.
Okay, if I agree to be
a stagehand for the play,
then I can be
a stagehand in--
Whoa, I really--
I've got to stay focused
or this could be very confusing.
How 'bout you,
Antonio?
Oh, uh, I am, uh-- I'm one
of the guests on Oprah's show.
I play a man who is
only attracted to women
who used to be men.
You gotta stay pretty focused
yourself there, guy.
( laughing )
Come here.
( all chuckling )
( mouthing words )
( all laugh )
Come on, what is it?
What is it?
What's going on?
I just called
the packing plant
to confirm my hours--
( all laughing )
Yeah, and...?
FAY: What else?
--and they fired me.
( laughing )
( mouths ):
They fired me.
Why?
Oh, I don't know.
Something about a layoff.
Heh. Oh, what difference
does it make?
Don't you see
the irony here?
I want to be a concert cellist,
and I can't even keep some
disgusting job gutting fish.
( laughs )
Hey, Helen,
I'm really sorry.
Don't you pity me.
That's the last thing
I need right now.
Don't you see? I've learned
a valuable lesson.
Everyone has
a station in life,
and I've found mine
standing behind this counter,
slingin' hash
for the rest of eternity.
May I help you?
What's your fish special?
( sobbing )
What, you couldn't have
ordered a hamburger?
( mellow theme playing )
JOE:
It's 3 a.m., Brian,
can't this wait till morning?
BRIAN:
No, it can't.
It's important.
BRIAN:
Lowell.
Why are you sitting here
in the dark?
It's relaxing.
Yeah, but, Lowell, uh--
The idea of you sitting
alone in here
in the dark
makes me nervous.
Then you should try sitting
in the dark sometime.
It's relaxing.
Come on, Brian.
What is this about?
Uh, I want to call
a family meeting.
Now?
Yes, now!
Come on, this has been
keeping me up for hours.
Lowell...
We'd like
a little privacy.
Would you mind going out
into the living room?
It's dark in there.
You've been sitting here
in the dark--
Brian, Brian, Brian,
don't poke it, don't prod it,
just leave it alone.
Can I be part
of the family meeting?
Well, Lowell, uh,
technically, you're not
a family member.
Oh, I see.
I just cook the meals,
wash the clothes,
clean the house.
I'm just a hired hand.
Hop Sing without the pigtail.
All right, Lowell.
You're a member of the family.
Great, thanks.
Okay.
Now, I've got an idea,
but it's gonna cost us
all some money.
Well, I'll see ya.
Okay, all right, Brian,
now, what is this about
and how much is it gonna cost?
All right, well,
you saw what happened
to Helen today.
I mean, she was
really devastated.
Yeah, I know. How much?
I mean, I've seen her
depressed before,
but never this bad.
I don't think
she's gonna be able
to get herself
back on track.
I have to agree with you,
and I'm really very concerned.
How much?
This is what I'm proposing.
How much?
Oh, will you let me finish?
Sorry, sorry.
I think we should buy Helen
a new cello.
That is a great idea.
Aren't you gonna
ask me how much?
You bet your ass.
How much?
Fourteen or 15.
Whew. Wow!
Oh, that is pretty steep.
But, uh--
Guess you can't put
a price on friendship.
I suppose between us
we could come up
with 14, 1500 bucks.
Yes, I suppose
we could do that, but, uh--
I was talking
more like 14, $15,000.
Are you crazy?
You just said you couldn't
put a price on friendship.
Yeah, well, I was wrong.
You can. It's $1500.
This is Helen
we're talking about here.
Where are we gonna come up
with $15,000?
I've been doing
a little research.
Oh, God. You are
really serious about this.
Fifteen thousand dollars.
Fifteen thousand dollars!
What have we got
that's worth $15,000?
You are sittin' on it.
I am not going
in that line of work.
I'm talking about taking out
a mortgage on the house.
And don't flatter yourself.
Just take a mortgage out on
the house and buy Helen a cello?
Joe, you're not gonna feel it.
We'll spread the payments out.
The real point is,
how many chances do we have
to change a person's life?
Especially somebody
as close to us as Helen?
Let me ask
just one question here.
What's in it for you?
Absolutely nothing.
Which, as far as I can tell,
is the only major flaw.
So, what do you say?
Okay.
You are a beautiful,
beautiful man.
Oh, you're not gonna
kiss me, are you?
Not until you brush
your teeth.
Going to sleep.
You coming?
Wait, you gonna sit here
all alone in the dark?
It's relaxing.
( mellow theme playing )
Okay, Fay, I'm ready
to rehearse.
Oh, uh, fine.
Why don't we do the scene
where Oprah first suspects
that something's gone wrong?
Oh, that's--
That's Act 1, Scene 3.
But, Fay,
you're not
in this scene.
You didn't get
the part of Oprah.
Well, I have to be ready
to go on
in case anything
should happen to Janine.
God forbid.
Oh, Lowell,
come on over.
We're rehearsing now.
Uh, do you need
your script?
No.
Are you sure
you know your lines?
Line, Fay.
I just have one line.
I think
I can handle it.
"Excuse me,
Miss Winfrey.
That phone's
out of order."
Pfft. Okay?
Okay.
Uh, fine.
L-let's, uh--
Let's take it from
where they find that cameraman
crushed under
his own camera.
Uh, top of Page 8.
"Oh, my God.
How could this
have happened, Frank?"
"I don't know, Oprah.
"Looks like the camera fell
over on him by accident.
Or did it?"
"I'd better call the police."
Oh.
"I'd better
call the police."
Lowell.
Huh?
That's your cue.
Oh! Oh, right,
right, uh...
"Excuse me,
Miss Winfrey.
That..."
Line!
Oh, for God's sake!
No, that's not it.
Well, here it is.
All right!
Whoo! Wow.
Yeah.
That's what $15,000
looks like, huh?
Yeah, you wanna take
a closer look?
Ooh!
Brian!
What have you done?
You are so easy!
Man!
Ten dollars,
I bought it in a pawn shop!
Why didn't we just
give her that one?
Here.
The real one
is right out here.
( chuckles )
Least I hope
it's the real one.
So how do you want
to do this?
Uh...
You all right?
Yeah, I-I don't know.
Just, uh, call her in here
and give it to her.
Ho, ho, very impressive,
Mr. Ziegfeld.
Yeah, see.
Now I know
why they call you
the greatest showman on Earth.
Just call her in here.
I'll figure out
something nice to say.
Hey, Helen.
Could you come in here
for a minute?
LOWELL:
"Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.
That..."
FAY, ROY, ANTONIO:
"...phone's out of order!"
Ah, this is
gonna be great.
When she sees this thing,
man, she's gonna flip.
The look on her face is gonna
make it all worthwhile.
( knocking on door )
Come in.
Uh, you guys wanted
to see me?
Yes, uh,
Helen, we did.
We've got something
we want to give you.
So without
further ado--
Joe, Joe, Joe, I think we can
manage a little ado, okay?
Uh...
Helen,
we know what you've
been going through.
And, uh, we know how much
music means to you.
And we love you,
and we want
to help you.
So we, uh,
got you this gift.
And that's just
what it is, a gift,
no strings attached.
That's right.
Well, a-actually
four strings attached.
( both chuckling )
( plucks string )
How could you guys
do this to me?
( door slams )
Well...
wire it up,
pop a pleated shade on it,
be a darned nice floor lamp.
( upbeat piano theme playing )