Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 9 - Try to Remember the Night He Dismembered - full transcript
Okay, so the hooker
says to the gynecologist,
"My hourly rate might
be higher, but at least..."
Uh, hi, Fay. Hi, Fay.
Hi. What are you
fellows doing?
Brian was just
telling a joke.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Oh, really?
I love jokes. Go on.
No, I don't want to.
It's not really,
you know...
Oh, no, don't be silly.
Go on!
But I--I don't
remember it.
Oh, sure you do, Brian.
The hooker says
to the gynecologist,
"My hourly rates
might be higher but..."
"But that's
the way it goes."
"That's the way
it goes."
Funny.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Gee, it was much funnier
the way I heard it.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Fay, I just got off the phone
with the tower.
We're still grounded.
They're not letting anyone in
and out. I think you'd better
make that announcement.
Uh, attention,
Sandpiper passengers,
the fog is still thick
as pea soup out there.
Although I find this weather
romantic, our pilots tell me
that it makes an unplanned
water landing almost
a sure thing. So...
All flights are
postponed indefinitely.
Excuse me, but our
flight's been postponed
five times already.
Are we gonna get out
of here today or not?
It's not looking good.
I think you should check
into a hotel.
Let us know where you're
staying and we'll call you
if there's any change.
Here, let me get you a cab.
Antonio.
Can you give these people
a ride, please?
Oh, this is so sad.
All day long,
you poor people,
paying me so much money
in cab fare,
going back and forth,
back and forth,
to the hotel, to the airport,
the hotel, the airport.
I love this fog.
No, uh, Lowell,
I don't want to.
Come on!
No, but it's--
it's utter fantasy
and it's pure speculation.
I'm just saying "if," Brian.
I'm just saying "if."
(SIGHING)
All right, all right.
If the dinosaurs
were alive today,
yes, I believe a brontosaurus
could eat your boat
in one bite.
Ha! Ha!
It was a trick question.
Everybody knows a brontosaurus
was a plant-eater.
So, chew on that one,
college boy.
Helen, that was delicious.
Mmm.
(LICKING HIS CHOPS)
Roy, do you have to do that
after every meal?
Well, I'm sorry, Helen.
I've got something stuck
back there.
Ah. There she goes.
Ah. Pork.
Roy, you just had
a tuna fish sandwich.
Pork was yesterday's special.
Your point being?
Any word from the tower?
No, we're grounded
indefinitely.
Yes! I'm out of here.
Joe, I'll see you at home.
Brian, Brian, wait,
you can't leave.
I've flown my maximum hours.
If this fog clears, you've
got to take the next flight.
You don't understand,
see, there's this girl...
Tell me something,
why do all your stories
start like that?
Well, the Brothers Grimm
had "Once upon a time,"
I have "There's this girl."
Who do you think was
happier at bedtime, huh?
Anyway, there's this girl
and I-- She's...
Hold it. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter,
you've gotta stick it out here
(GROANING)
like the rest of us.
Great, nothing worse
than being fogged in
at a deserted airport.
I hate this weather.
It's so depressing.
Well, I think I know
just the thing to turn those
frowns upside down.
Oh, no, Fay...
No...
I think it's time for
Fay's Foggy Day Fun Box.
Oh, Fay, every time
there's fog,
you drag that
silly box out.
Fay, I don't want to play
any games. I don't want to
do any puzzles.
I don't want to make
a pencil holder out of
an orange juice can.
Would you give us a little
credit here? I mean, we're all
intelligent, well-read people.
Can't we just sit down
and have a normal,
civilized conversation?
Joe, smell the
bottom of my shoe.
Dibs on Mr. Potato Head.
LOWELL: Uh, dots?
Uh, dotty?
Hello, Dotty.
Uh, I got it, Dot Man!
No!
Time's up.
Oh! Looks like we won, Roy!
Mmm.
Dot Man?
Dot Man?
What were you thinking?
I was thinking, Dot Man.
Snowman!
Snow, man. Snowman!
Well, why didn't you
just do this?
That's another way to go.
JOE: All right, all right,
the plane that flies the
farthest gets ten points.
Five points for any
acrobatic feats. Three points
for a perfect landing.
Now, anything that goes
behind Roy's counter
or to the left of the
passenger waiting area
is out of bounds.
In the event of a tie,
we'll have a fly-off...
Joe, you're sucking
the fun out of this game.
This is a game?
I thought I'd died and gone
to the boring part of hell.
All right, okay, fine.
Let's just go. I'll go first.
Look out, here.
Ready? Here we go.
Hold it. Do-over.
Get out, a do-over!
What are you
talking about, do-over?
Yeah, well, normally there
wouldn't be a do-over,
but you didn't let me
get to that rule, so...
No, forget it!
No, forget it! My turn.
Go ahead.
Do-over.
It's a do-over.
No do-overs.
Orville and Wilbur,
no do-overs. It's my turn.
Italian design.
Fay, no, uh, I think we've
squeezed enough fun out of the
Foggy Day Fun Box.
Oh! Not so fast.
We still have
Chinese checkers,
Etch-a-Sketch...
(GASPING)
Wildlife sticker books.
Brian, Brian, Brian!
Why don't you do that thing
that you do at parties?
You know, the hypnosis thing?
Something, anything. Let's go.
Right.
You know how to
hypnotize people?
Yeah, it's one of the few
things I picked up
in the Caribbean
that I didn't have
to take penicillin for.
Madam, may I borrow
your pendant?
Yes.
This is such a crock.
You don't know how
to hypnotize people.
He doesn't know
how to hypnotize people.
Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you just put
your money where your big
mouth is? Or are you chicken?
All right, fine, Kreskin.
You go ahead,
take your best shot.
Now, mind you,
I've only used this on women,
so if Joe starts
coming on to me,
don't be alarmed.
Now, Joe, I just want you
to follow the pendant,
back and forth,
back and forth,
back and forth...
Ooh, I'm getting sleepy.
Shut up.
Back and forth,
back and forth...
Okay, now, Joe, I'm going
to take you out of the spell.
When I clap my hands,
you'll wake up
and remember nothing,
yet still cluck
like a chicken
every time you
hear the word, "tortilla."
You see, I told you
it wouldn't work.
(CLUCKING)
Tortilla.
What? What's so funny?
Me next. Me next.
Do me.
Sit down, Lowell.
JOE:
Is he under?
It's hard to tell.
He always has that look
on his face.
Now, what should we have
Mr. Mather do for us?
Rotate my tires.
What's funny about that?
Nothing. It's just time
to have them rotated.
I know. I know.
Get him to tell us
his deepest, darkest secret.
You can't get people
to do things
against their will.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Tortilla.
(CLUCKING)
Lowell,
tell us your deepest,
most darkest secret.
Once, when I was
out of underwear...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
HELEN:
Oh, God! Please!
Ask him something else!
Okay. Okay.
Lowell, what is
your fondest memory?
Once, when I was
out of underwear...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I think we've had
about enough fun with Lowell.
Yes, I think you're right.
Okay, Lowell, when I
clap my hands you will wake up
and remember nothing.
Me next. Me next.
Do me.
I'm sorry, Lowell, you'll just
have to wait your turn.
Okay, who's next?
Up, step right up.
Helen, what about you?
Oh, no, no, no.
Now, don't waste
your time, Brian.
Remember last New Year's Eve?
You tried to put me under
so I would do something
stupid and humiliating?
And it didn't work.
Okay, Juanita,
the Mexican Jumping Bean,
passes.
So, who's next?
Roy, come on.
Now, come on.
Okay, go ahead, Hackett.
Go ahead.
Give me your best shot.
But I've got to warn you,
you can swing that thing
till you got arthritis,
nobody can make a Biggins
do what he doesn't want to do.
My bones denounce
the buckboard bounce
And the cactus
hurts my toes
Let's vamoose where girls
keep wearing those silks and
satins and linens it shows
And I'm all yours
in buttons and bows
Brian, is Roy
going to remember doing that?
No, not if I don't
want him to.
Can you make me forget?
Hey, Brian, since Roy
was so anxious to hear
everybody else's deepest
and darkest secrets,
let's find out his.
Okay.
Oh, please don't.
I'm disgusted enough
by what he admits.
Come on, come on, how often
do we have him at our mercy?
Yeah.
All right. All right.
Okay, Roy...
Roy, tell us your deepest
and darkest secret.
I once did a bad thing.
Hmm. Sounds promising.
What kind of bad thing?
Wrong, evil, money.
Money? What money?
I stole $250,000.
What?
You stole $250,000?
Man. That's a lot
of tortillas.
(CLUCKING)
$250,000, Roy?
You stole $250,000?
Helen, stop!
What are you doing?
He's got $250,000
and he's still
stiffing me on tips!
Roy, who did you
steal it from?
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't from me.
I went for Sunday dinner
to my favorite restaurant,
Ollie Anderson's
Little Taste of Oslo.
All you can eat for $5.
So, what happened?
I can't believe what I did.
I can't believe what I did!
What?
I filled up
on salad and bread.
The money, Roy.
What about the money?
Oh.
I dropped a meatball and when
I reached down I found
a briefcase full of cash.
I can't believe what I did.
Oh, don't tell me you
ate the meatball.
No. I kept the money.
What happened
to the meatball?
He became a mechanic
at the airport.
Did you ever find out
whose money it was?
I read in the newspaper
about some old geezer
who kept his life savings
in a briefcase and left it
in a Norwegian restaurant.
It could have been him,
but why jump to conclusions?
I remember reading
about that poor man.
Hey, Roy, Roy,
where is the money now?
I buried it in my backyard.
That means
he's still got it.
HELEN:
Roy, did you spend
any of the $250,000?
Oh, I bought
a couple of suits.
Okay, he's got all but $75.
Make him tell
where he buried it.
All right, right, right.
Roy, where exactly
did you bury the money?
Six paces straight back
from the southwest corner
of my house.
But I'm gonna
dig it up tomorrow.
The neighbors
are getting nosey.
What do we do?
Let's just wake him up and
get him out of here. Then we
can figure something out.
(PHONE RINGING)
BRIAN: All right. All right.
Okay listen, Roy, Roy,
when I clap my hands,
you will wake up
and not remember a thing.
What are you people
looking at?
Oh, nothing, Roy. You were
right. You're one tough cookie
to hypnotize, Roy.
Well, I'm sorry
to kill your fun, Hackett.
But I warned you.
Okay, that's it.
The weather service says
the fog isn't lifting.
We're closed for the night.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm off to Ollie Anderson's.
For some reason I have
a taste for sardine loaf.
Hmm.
You think you know somebody.
Yeah, all these years,
who knew he liked
Norwegian food?
So what are we going to do?
Perhaps we should
call the police.
Yeah, right. And what
are we going to tell them?
That under hypnosis,
Roy confessed
to a major crime,
right after singing
a medley of show tunes?
Well, look, this poor old guy
lost his life savings.
We have to do
something for him.
What do you suggest?
We go to Roy's house,
dig up his yard and give
the guy back his money?
Well, I was going to suggest
a bake sale, but...
Well, if we're gonna do it,
let's do it now.
'Cause you heard him.
He's gonna dig up
the money tomorrow.
Wait, you really want
to do this? You want to
dig up Roy's yard?
Well, you got
a better idea?
Yeah, we sit Roy down
and reason with him.
I'm sure he'll see the error
of his ways and he'll give
the guy back the money.
I've got some shovels
in my trunk.
(DOG BARKING)
All right. All right.
This is the south--southwest
corner. I'll just start
pacing it from here. Okay?
One, two...
Wait that's not a pace,
that's a stride.
A pace is much
shorter than that.
You must also
take into account
they are Roy's legs.
Roy's legs.
One, two...
I'd call that mincing.
I'd call that
irritating.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Now, let's all
sing a spiritual
and start digging.
Okay, um, Joe and Brian,
you take the first shift.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who made you road boss?
I brought the cocoa
and marshmallows.
I would follow this woman
to the gates of hell.
Hey, has anybody actually
ever been in Roy's house?
BRIAN: God forbid.
From here I can see
orange shag carpet...
Oh, on the bar
one of those
little plastic boys
that tinkles bourbon
into your glass...
Ooh! And a picture of
Emmett Kelly made entirely
of macaroni shells.
Boy, it must be nice
to be rich.
No, no, no.
I've got it.
I've got it.
Noah's Ark, below deck,
39th day at sea.
That's a smelly moment, Joe.
Smelly moment.
No, but what we're
looking for is the
smelliest moment in history.
For example,
the signing of the
Declaration of Independence,
middle of summer,
100 guys in a room,
windows shut,
wearing powdered wigs
and heavy velvet suits,
and Ben Franklin asks,
"Whose cheese is this?"
Here's one, here's one.
The bubonic plague,
high noon,
on throw-out-your-dead day.
I can't believe we've been
digging this long and still
haven't found that money.
(EXCLAIMING)
I think I found something.
(GRUNTING)
It's just another
stupid car battery.
I can't believe all the stuff
Roy's got buried back here.
Dead car batteries,
spray paint cans, varnish,
pesticides.
This place looks like
Roy's Love Canal.
Doesn't he know
there are places to
dispose of these things?
Apparently Toys for Tots
caught onto his little scam.
Well, okay everybody, the
marshmallows are just about
melted in the hot chocolate.
The marshmallows
are already in there?
What have
I been eating?
Oh, my goodness, Lowell.
You've been eating toadstools.
You must have picked them up
when you dropped the bag
of marshmallows.
Ah. I didn't think that
marshmallows had stems.
However, that would explain
the wild hallucinations
I've been having
for the last half hour.
Lowell, how could you do
something like that?
I don't believe
people with antlers
have the right to criticize.
What's this?
Ooh! It's a hot tub!
How about that?
Roy's putting in a hot tub.
I wonder where
he's going to put it.
As near as I can tell
from these plans,
roughly about six paces
from the southwest corner
of his house.
Well, we sure put
a crimp in his plans.
We just dug a great
big hole right there!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe we've been had.
I'm confused.
You think you're confused?
Check out the look
on that giant frog.
Roy wasn't hypnotized.
He faked the whole thing
to get us to dig this hole
for his stupid hot tub.
But he did that
silly little dance
in the terminal.
Yeah, small price to pay
to get out of digging
for the weekend.
He set us up.
I can't believe we've been
freezing our maracas off so
Roy can soak his in hot water.
We've got to do something
to get him back.
I think it's time to call
my Uncle Pasquale.
They call him The Plumber.
He's a hit man?
No, he's a plumber.
He'll hook this thing up,
charge Roy an arm and a leg.
Somebody give me
a hand over here.
I just dropped
all my fingers.
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
(DOG BARKING)
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
(SNICKERING)
(HUMMING A TUNE)
That's close enough.
Hey, Roy.
Hi, guys.
What are you
doing here?
Yeah, we know about
the hot tub, mister.
It was a pretty
good trick, huh?
Ooh, I'm hypnotized.
Yeah, you really got us good
that time, Roy.
ROY: I sure did.
But just to show you guys
there's no hard feelings,
any time you're in the mood
for a nice, relaxing hot tub,
you can go blow bubbles
in your bathwater.
I want to tell you guys,
digging that dirt,
that was sweet enough.
But for you to haul it away,
that was above and beyond
the call of duty.
(ROY SPUTTERING)
Okay, guys.
Okay, you've had your fun.
Now, come on,
get me out of here.
See you, Roy.
Goodbye.
So long, Roy.
Get-- Get me
out of here, you guys.
Get me out of here.
Lowell?
Roy,
you might want to consider
running the vacuum
a little more often.
says to the gynecologist,
"My hourly rate might
be higher, but at least..."
Uh, hi, Fay. Hi, Fay.
Hi. What are you
fellows doing?
Brian was just
telling a joke.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Oh, really?
I love jokes. Go on.
No, I don't want to.
It's not really,
you know...
Oh, no, don't be silly.
Go on!
But I--I don't
remember it.
Oh, sure you do, Brian.
The hooker says
to the gynecologist,
"My hourly rates
might be higher but..."
"But that's
the way it goes."
"That's the way
it goes."
Funny.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Gee, it was much funnier
the way I heard it.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Fay, I just got off the phone
with the tower.
We're still grounded.
They're not letting anyone in
and out. I think you'd better
make that announcement.
Uh, attention,
Sandpiper passengers,
the fog is still thick
as pea soup out there.
Although I find this weather
romantic, our pilots tell me
that it makes an unplanned
water landing almost
a sure thing. So...
All flights are
postponed indefinitely.
Excuse me, but our
flight's been postponed
five times already.
Are we gonna get out
of here today or not?
It's not looking good.
I think you should check
into a hotel.
Let us know where you're
staying and we'll call you
if there's any change.
Here, let me get you a cab.
Antonio.
Can you give these people
a ride, please?
Oh, this is so sad.
All day long,
you poor people,
paying me so much money
in cab fare,
going back and forth,
back and forth,
to the hotel, to the airport,
the hotel, the airport.
I love this fog.
No, uh, Lowell,
I don't want to.
Come on!
No, but it's--
it's utter fantasy
and it's pure speculation.
I'm just saying "if," Brian.
I'm just saying "if."
(SIGHING)
All right, all right.
If the dinosaurs
were alive today,
yes, I believe a brontosaurus
could eat your boat
in one bite.
Ha! Ha!
It was a trick question.
Everybody knows a brontosaurus
was a plant-eater.
So, chew on that one,
college boy.
Helen, that was delicious.
Mmm.
(LICKING HIS CHOPS)
Roy, do you have to do that
after every meal?
Well, I'm sorry, Helen.
I've got something stuck
back there.
Ah. There she goes.
Ah. Pork.
Roy, you just had
a tuna fish sandwich.
Pork was yesterday's special.
Your point being?
Any word from the tower?
No, we're grounded
indefinitely.
Yes! I'm out of here.
Joe, I'll see you at home.
Brian, Brian, wait,
you can't leave.
I've flown my maximum hours.
If this fog clears, you've
got to take the next flight.
You don't understand,
see, there's this girl...
Tell me something,
why do all your stories
start like that?
Well, the Brothers Grimm
had "Once upon a time,"
I have "There's this girl."
Who do you think was
happier at bedtime, huh?
Anyway, there's this girl
and I-- She's...
Hold it. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter,
you've gotta stick it out here
(GROANING)
like the rest of us.
Great, nothing worse
than being fogged in
at a deserted airport.
I hate this weather.
It's so depressing.
Well, I think I know
just the thing to turn those
frowns upside down.
Oh, no, Fay...
No...
I think it's time for
Fay's Foggy Day Fun Box.
Oh, Fay, every time
there's fog,
you drag that
silly box out.
Fay, I don't want to play
any games. I don't want to
do any puzzles.
I don't want to make
a pencil holder out of
an orange juice can.
Would you give us a little
credit here? I mean, we're all
intelligent, well-read people.
Can't we just sit down
and have a normal,
civilized conversation?
Joe, smell the
bottom of my shoe.
Dibs on Mr. Potato Head.
LOWELL: Uh, dots?
Uh, dotty?
Hello, Dotty.
Uh, I got it, Dot Man!
No!
Time's up.
Oh! Looks like we won, Roy!
Mmm.
Dot Man?
Dot Man?
What were you thinking?
I was thinking, Dot Man.
Snowman!
Snow, man. Snowman!
Well, why didn't you
just do this?
That's another way to go.
JOE: All right, all right,
the plane that flies the
farthest gets ten points.
Five points for any
acrobatic feats. Three points
for a perfect landing.
Now, anything that goes
behind Roy's counter
or to the left of the
passenger waiting area
is out of bounds.
In the event of a tie,
we'll have a fly-off...
Joe, you're sucking
the fun out of this game.
This is a game?
I thought I'd died and gone
to the boring part of hell.
All right, okay, fine.
Let's just go. I'll go first.
Look out, here.
Ready? Here we go.
Hold it. Do-over.
Get out, a do-over!
What are you
talking about, do-over?
Yeah, well, normally there
wouldn't be a do-over,
but you didn't let me
get to that rule, so...
No, forget it!
No, forget it! My turn.
Go ahead.
Do-over.
It's a do-over.
No do-overs.
Orville and Wilbur,
no do-overs. It's my turn.
Italian design.
Fay, no, uh, I think we've
squeezed enough fun out of the
Foggy Day Fun Box.
Oh! Not so fast.
We still have
Chinese checkers,
Etch-a-Sketch...
(GASPING)
Wildlife sticker books.
Brian, Brian, Brian!
Why don't you do that thing
that you do at parties?
You know, the hypnosis thing?
Something, anything. Let's go.
Right.
You know how to
hypnotize people?
Yeah, it's one of the few
things I picked up
in the Caribbean
that I didn't have
to take penicillin for.
Madam, may I borrow
your pendant?
Yes.
This is such a crock.
You don't know how
to hypnotize people.
He doesn't know
how to hypnotize people.
Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you just put
your money where your big
mouth is? Or are you chicken?
All right, fine, Kreskin.
You go ahead,
take your best shot.
Now, mind you,
I've only used this on women,
so if Joe starts
coming on to me,
don't be alarmed.
Now, Joe, I just want you
to follow the pendant,
back and forth,
back and forth,
back and forth...
Ooh, I'm getting sleepy.
Shut up.
Back and forth,
back and forth...
Okay, now, Joe, I'm going
to take you out of the spell.
When I clap my hands,
you'll wake up
and remember nothing,
yet still cluck
like a chicken
every time you
hear the word, "tortilla."
You see, I told you
it wouldn't work.
(CLUCKING)
Tortilla.
What? What's so funny?
Me next. Me next.
Do me.
Sit down, Lowell.
JOE:
Is he under?
It's hard to tell.
He always has that look
on his face.
Now, what should we have
Mr. Mather do for us?
Rotate my tires.
What's funny about that?
Nothing. It's just time
to have them rotated.
I know. I know.
Get him to tell us
his deepest, darkest secret.
You can't get people
to do things
against their will.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Tortilla.
(CLUCKING)
Lowell,
tell us your deepest,
most darkest secret.
Once, when I was
out of underwear...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
HELEN:
Oh, God! Please!
Ask him something else!
Okay. Okay.
Lowell, what is
your fondest memory?
Once, when I was
out of underwear...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I think we've had
about enough fun with Lowell.
Yes, I think you're right.
Okay, Lowell, when I
clap my hands you will wake up
and remember nothing.
Me next. Me next.
Do me.
I'm sorry, Lowell, you'll just
have to wait your turn.
Okay, who's next?
Up, step right up.
Helen, what about you?
Oh, no, no, no.
Now, don't waste
your time, Brian.
Remember last New Year's Eve?
You tried to put me under
so I would do something
stupid and humiliating?
And it didn't work.
Okay, Juanita,
the Mexican Jumping Bean,
passes.
So, who's next?
Roy, come on.
Now, come on.
Okay, go ahead, Hackett.
Go ahead.
Give me your best shot.
But I've got to warn you,
you can swing that thing
till you got arthritis,
nobody can make a Biggins
do what he doesn't want to do.
My bones denounce
the buckboard bounce
And the cactus
hurts my toes
Let's vamoose where girls
keep wearing those silks and
satins and linens it shows
And I'm all yours
in buttons and bows
Brian, is Roy
going to remember doing that?
No, not if I don't
want him to.
Can you make me forget?
Hey, Brian, since Roy
was so anxious to hear
everybody else's deepest
and darkest secrets,
let's find out his.
Okay.
Oh, please don't.
I'm disgusted enough
by what he admits.
Come on, come on, how often
do we have him at our mercy?
Yeah.
All right. All right.
Okay, Roy...
Roy, tell us your deepest
and darkest secret.
I once did a bad thing.
Hmm. Sounds promising.
What kind of bad thing?
Wrong, evil, money.
Money? What money?
I stole $250,000.
What?
You stole $250,000?
Man. That's a lot
of tortillas.
(CLUCKING)
$250,000, Roy?
You stole $250,000?
Helen, stop!
What are you doing?
He's got $250,000
and he's still
stiffing me on tips!
Roy, who did you
steal it from?
I'm pretty sure
it wasn't from me.
I went for Sunday dinner
to my favorite restaurant,
Ollie Anderson's
Little Taste of Oslo.
All you can eat for $5.
So, what happened?
I can't believe what I did.
I can't believe what I did!
What?
I filled up
on salad and bread.
The money, Roy.
What about the money?
Oh.
I dropped a meatball and when
I reached down I found
a briefcase full of cash.
I can't believe what I did.
Oh, don't tell me you
ate the meatball.
No. I kept the money.
What happened
to the meatball?
He became a mechanic
at the airport.
Did you ever find out
whose money it was?
I read in the newspaper
about some old geezer
who kept his life savings
in a briefcase and left it
in a Norwegian restaurant.
It could have been him,
but why jump to conclusions?
I remember reading
about that poor man.
Hey, Roy, Roy,
where is the money now?
I buried it in my backyard.
That means
he's still got it.
HELEN:
Roy, did you spend
any of the $250,000?
Oh, I bought
a couple of suits.
Okay, he's got all but $75.
Make him tell
where he buried it.
All right, right, right.
Roy, where exactly
did you bury the money?
Six paces straight back
from the southwest corner
of my house.
But I'm gonna
dig it up tomorrow.
The neighbors
are getting nosey.
What do we do?
Let's just wake him up and
get him out of here. Then we
can figure something out.
(PHONE RINGING)
BRIAN: All right. All right.
Okay listen, Roy, Roy,
when I clap my hands,
you will wake up
and not remember a thing.
What are you people
looking at?
Oh, nothing, Roy. You were
right. You're one tough cookie
to hypnotize, Roy.
Well, I'm sorry
to kill your fun, Hackett.
But I warned you.
Okay, that's it.
The weather service says
the fog isn't lifting.
We're closed for the night.
That's all I needed to hear.
I'm off to Ollie Anderson's.
For some reason I have
a taste for sardine loaf.
Hmm.
You think you know somebody.
Yeah, all these years,
who knew he liked
Norwegian food?
So what are we going to do?
Perhaps we should
call the police.
Yeah, right. And what
are we going to tell them?
That under hypnosis,
Roy confessed
to a major crime,
right after singing
a medley of show tunes?
Well, look, this poor old guy
lost his life savings.
We have to do
something for him.
What do you suggest?
We go to Roy's house,
dig up his yard and give
the guy back his money?
Well, I was going to suggest
a bake sale, but...
Well, if we're gonna do it,
let's do it now.
'Cause you heard him.
He's gonna dig up
the money tomorrow.
Wait, you really want
to do this? You want to
dig up Roy's yard?
Well, you got
a better idea?
Yeah, we sit Roy down
and reason with him.
I'm sure he'll see the error
of his ways and he'll give
the guy back the money.
I've got some shovels
in my trunk.
(DOG BARKING)
All right. All right.
This is the south--southwest
corner. I'll just start
pacing it from here. Okay?
One, two...
Wait that's not a pace,
that's a stride.
A pace is much
shorter than that.
You must also
take into account
they are Roy's legs.
Roy's legs.
One, two...
I'd call that mincing.
I'd call that
irritating.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Now, let's all
sing a spiritual
and start digging.
Okay, um, Joe and Brian,
you take the first shift.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who made you road boss?
I brought the cocoa
and marshmallows.
I would follow this woman
to the gates of hell.
Hey, has anybody actually
ever been in Roy's house?
BRIAN: God forbid.
From here I can see
orange shag carpet...
Oh, on the bar
one of those
little plastic boys
that tinkles bourbon
into your glass...
Ooh! And a picture of
Emmett Kelly made entirely
of macaroni shells.
Boy, it must be nice
to be rich.
No, no, no.
I've got it.
I've got it.
Noah's Ark, below deck,
39th day at sea.
That's a smelly moment, Joe.
Smelly moment.
No, but what we're
looking for is the
smelliest moment in history.
For example,
the signing of the
Declaration of Independence,
middle of summer,
100 guys in a room,
windows shut,
wearing powdered wigs
and heavy velvet suits,
and Ben Franklin asks,
"Whose cheese is this?"
Here's one, here's one.
The bubonic plague,
high noon,
on throw-out-your-dead day.
I can't believe we've been
digging this long and still
haven't found that money.
(EXCLAIMING)
I think I found something.
(GRUNTING)
It's just another
stupid car battery.
I can't believe all the stuff
Roy's got buried back here.
Dead car batteries,
spray paint cans, varnish,
pesticides.
This place looks like
Roy's Love Canal.
Doesn't he know
there are places to
dispose of these things?
Apparently Toys for Tots
caught onto his little scam.
Well, okay everybody, the
marshmallows are just about
melted in the hot chocolate.
The marshmallows
are already in there?
What have
I been eating?
Oh, my goodness, Lowell.
You've been eating toadstools.
You must have picked them up
when you dropped the bag
of marshmallows.
Ah. I didn't think that
marshmallows had stems.
However, that would explain
the wild hallucinations
I've been having
for the last half hour.
Lowell, how could you do
something like that?
I don't believe
people with antlers
have the right to criticize.
What's this?
Ooh! It's a hot tub!
How about that?
Roy's putting in a hot tub.
I wonder where
he's going to put it.
As near as I can tell
from these plans,
roughly about six paces
from the southwest corner
of his house.
Well, we sure put
a crimp in his plans.
We just dug a great
big hole right there!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe we've been had.
I'm confused.
You think you're confused?
Check out the look
on that giant frog.
Roy wasn't hypnotized.
He faked the whole thing
to get us to dig this hole
for his stupid hot tub.
But he did that
silly little dance
in the terminal.
Yeah, small price to pay
to get out of digging
for the weekend.
He set us up.
I can't believe we've been
freezing our maracas off so
Roy can soak his in hot water.
We've got to do something
to get him back.
I think it's time to call
my Uncle Pasquale.
They call him The Plumber.
He's a hit man?
No, he's a plumber.
He'll hook this thing up,
charge Roy an arm and a leg.
Somebody give me
a hand over here.
I just dropped
all my fingers.
(CAR ENGINE RUMBLING)
(DOG BARKING)
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
(SNICKERING)
(HUMMING A TUNE)
That's close enough.
Hey, Roy.
Hi, guys.
What are you
doing here?
Yeah, we know about
the hot tub, mister.
It was a pretty
good trick, huh?
Ooh, I'm hypnotized.
Yeah, you really got us good
that time, Roy.
ROY: I sure did.
But just to show you guys
there's no hard feelings,
any time you're in the mood
for a nice, relaxing hot tub,
you can go blow bubbles
in your bathwater.
I want to tell you guys,
digging that dirt,
that was sweet enough.
But for you to haul it away,
that was above and beyond
the call of duty.
(ROY SPUTTERING)
Okay, guys.
Okay, you've had your fun.
Now, come on,
get me out of here.
See you, Roy.
Goodbye.
So long, Roy.
Get-- Get me
out of here, you guys.
Get me out of here.
Lowell?
Roy,
you might want to consider
running the vacuum
a little more often.