Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Late Mrs. Biggins - full transcript
Here's your ticket,
Mr. Hyson.
Thanks.
Uh, listen,
I hate to ask you this,
but we have
a full flight today
plus a lot of extra baggage,
so, for safety's sake,
I really need to know
your exact weight.
Sure.
One sixty-five.
Okay.
And--And while
that vertically striped shirt
certainly
does flatter you,
you really have
to ask yourself,
"Do I want to tell the truth,
or do I want to cling
"to this futile sense
of vanity
"and be responsible
for a planeload
of very nice people
"plunging into the Atlantic?"
Okay, one ninety
seven.
Fine,
you're under the limit.
Good thing
you're not 220!
Uh, I'll take
the next flight.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
Do you guys know
how to interpret
dreams?
I've been having
this really weird one
ever since my wife
and I split up.
Yeah, I've read
a little bit about it.
Yeah, tell us the dream.
I'll give it a shot.
Okay.
I'm on a speeding train.
I'm headed toward a tunnel,
I have a cigar in one hand
and a snake in the other.
Then suddenly,
my train jumps the track
and another train
speeds into the tunnel,
and another,
then another,
then another.
Then I wake up.
What do you think?
I think you're afraid
of heights.
Well,
that would certainly explain
the dream I've had
about sitting on top
of the Washington Monument.
Uh, Roy,
could I talk to you
for a minute?
Please, Fay,
I'm eating.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you might
be interested to know
that the woman
who moved in
next door to me
finds you
very attractive.
Please, Fay,
I'm eating.
Her name is Doris Benton.
She saw you when
she came to pick me up
from work last night.
Forget it,
not interested.
Aw, come on, Roy.
Doris wants you to
take her to the dance
at the Beach Club.
Hey, the last thing
I need is one of
your old lady friends
smashing my toes
with her walker all night.
She's not an old lady
and she does not have
a walker.
She's standing
right over there.
Get rid of her, Fay.
Get rid of her.
I will not get rid of her.
You haven't even given her
a chance.
Come on, Roy.
She fits all your criteria,
she's breathing.
All right,
I'll make her day.
It's a great gag,
Fay.
When will she pull off
the wig and tell him
she's a man?
Gangway!
Hot pizza coming through!
Fay, where's Antonio?
He's not here yet.
He's not here yet?
Oh, no.
Mr. Pike is gonna kill me.
Who's Mr. Pike?
Oh, he's this
hotshot lawyer
who pays me
to fly his favorite pizza
down from Boston,
then Antonio's
supposed to take it out
to his beach house.
Where is that meatball?
Now, Antonio's gonna
be here very soon.
There's no need to resort
to name-calling.
Hey, Helen, could you
throw these in your oven?
No!
Families are out
on the street starving
while this rich man
is throwing away money
on this kind of extravagance.
I will have nothing
to do with it
and I don't think
you should either, Joe.
Hey, hey, come on, look.
It's the off season.
I've gotta make a living
any way I can.
Then suit yourself,
but my oven will not
be used
for crimes
against the people.
Then how do you explain
yesterday's pot roast?
Hey, Joe. I'm here.
Oh, it's about time.
Get these over to Mr. Pike.
I've been meaning
to talk to you
about this.
You get so much money
to fly these pizzas
from Boston.
But, I get
only my regular fare
to drive them
across the island.
A-Antonio, this pizza
is gettin' cold.
It's not a good time
to negotiate.
Seems like
the perfect time.
All right, all right.
Uh, I'll give you
double your fare.
I'm thinking triple.
I'm thinking
I have my own car.
I am the wind.
Oh, Roy. So, uh,
are you going to the dance?
No, Doris and I
didn't really hit it off.
What did you say
to her?
Wait, you didn't bring up
your erotic candle
collection, did you?
No.
We were just
making chit-chat
and she suddenly
got very self-conscious
about her hair.
Oh, so you did
say something.
I might have
off-handedly mentioned
that I could see
the freckles on her scalp.
Oh, Roy,
how could you?
Look, Fay,
Doris is nice enough,
but what can I say,
she's no Sylvia.
Oh, here we go again.
Roy, you cannot
keep comparing
every woman you meet
to your late wife!
She's been dead
16 years.
Oh, I don't always
do that!
Yeah, well, Roy,
actually, you kind of do.
I mean, you did it
to that woman that Fay
introduced you to
from her bridge club.
You did it to the manicurist
down on 4th Street...
Yeah, and don't forget
that lovely Filipino woman
you ordered
from the catalog.
Now, I'm sure Sylvia
was a wonderful woman
and I know that you
loved her very much,
but there are a lot
of nice women
out there, like Doris.
And if you don't
give them a chance,
you're gonna be lonely
for the rest of your life.
You--You can order women
from catalogs?
Now, here.
You call Doris
and apologize.
I'm sure she'll still
go out with you.
Although, it wouldn't hurt
if you sent her
a dozen roses
and a nice box
of chocolates.
Yeah, throw in a jar
of Porcelana
for those freckles.
All right,
all right.
Boy, I had another
one of those dreams
last night.
And this one has me
completely baffled.
Let's hear it.
Okay, I'm naked,
I'm tied to
a four-poster bed.
And I'm out of here.
At each of the posts
stands Madonna,
Michelle Pfeiffer,
Kim Basinger
and Julia Roberts.
Now, they're arguing
over who gets me first.
Anybody?
What exactly did you have
for dinner last night?
Well, what can
you tell from that?
Nothing.
I just want to make sure
I eat the same thing
tonight.
Roy? Roy Biggins?
I'd like a word with you.
I just got off the phone
with Doris.
She told me about
your date last night.
She said you spent
the entire night
talking about
your late wife.
Hey, if we don't share
the same interests,
it's not my fault.
Now, Roy,
I've given this
a lot of thought
and here's what I think
you should do.
You should go to Sylvia
and talk to her.
You should visit her grave
and ask her to release you.
That way you can close
this chapter of your life
and get on with things.
I--I--I'm sure
that Joe or Brian
would be happy
to fly you up to Vermont.
Fay, the guy has six planes,
let him fly himself.
What do I look like,
a delivery service?
Good point,
pizza man.
Besides, why would he want
to go to Vermont?
His wife's buried
in Boston.
No, she's buried in Vermont.
No,
she's buried in...
No, yeah, remember
the last time he went
to pay his respects,
he brought back maple syrup
and that woodpecker
door knocker?
Yeah, Roy,
so which is it?
Well, what's
the difference?
The important thing
is she's buried.
You told me
your wife was cremated.
Well, what is going
on here, Roy?
Yeah, Roy, one minute
you can't shut up
about your dead wife.
And the next minute,
you can't even remember
where she's buried?
Yeah,
or if she's buried.
Well, maybe
she is neither.
You didn't pay
to have her frozen,
did you?
No.
They say that Walt Disney
was frozen.
Roy, you're not making sense.
What'd you do with your wife?
Nothing, okay?
Well, the truth is,
you see,
Sylvia's not dead.
JOE: What?
FAY: What do you mean
she's not dead?
She's, uh, alive
and living
somewhere in Boston.
I heard they're gonna thaw
Walt out for Disney World's
50th anniversary.
They say that Goofy
will be throwing the switch.
What do you mean,
she's alive?
You told us you used
to go and visit
her grave every year.
Actually,
I go fly-fishing
in Maine.
Well, what about the annual
Sylvia R. Biggins
Memorial Pancake Breakfast?
Yeah.
How do you think
I paid for all those
trips to Maine?
Roy, how could you lie
about something like that?
To avoid
conversations like this.
You... Get off my back!
(AIRCRAFT FLYING OVERHEAD)
Roy, I think...
She walked out
on me, okay?
I was just too ashamed
to tell the truth
so I said she died.
Oh, Roy,
that's nothing to be...
What are you doing?
Petting my hamster.
Excuse me?
It's not a real hamster,
all right?
My doctor gave it to me
and he told me to pet it
whenever
I got stressed out.
It's very calming.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Roy, you are a strange
and fascinating man.
Now, to get back
to Sylvia...
I know it sounds weird
that I told people
she was dead,
but the first time
somebody asked me
what happened to her,
it just popped out
of my mouth.
And then, like so many
other times in my life,
the lie
became the truth.
Why did she leave you?
I don't know.
I went to bed one night
and when I got up
the next afternoon,
she was gone.
I guess I just wasn't
good enough for her.
I was a failure then
and I'm a failure now.
Now, that's your problem.
You're still thinking
of yourself as that failure
that Sylvia
walked out on.
But things have changed.
You're a successful
businessman,
you're
on the Town Council,
you're respected
in the community...
Roy, could we give
the hamster a rest?
You have a lot to offer
a woman today.
A woman like Doris,
for example.
You know, Fay,
you're right.
I--I--I'm not the same man
I was 16 years ago.
I--I have a lot
to offer a woman,
a hell of a lot.
I'm gonna go see her
right now.
Oh, that's the spirit, Roy!
Doris will be thrilled.
Who said anything
about Doris?
I'm goin' to Boston
to win back my wife.
Well, there goes Roy
off to Boston.
I can't help feel
he's making the biggest
mistake of his life.
What on earth
could he be thinking?
Right now? Probably,
"I wonder if this guy
sleeping next to me
"is gonna miss
the rest of his
Smokehouse Almonds."
Sylvia sure has a lot
of power over Roy.
I wonder what she's like.
Well, she left him.
So, without knowing
anything else about her,
I'd say she's got
good instincts.
Well, I'm out of here.
You comin', Brian?
No. I haven't filled out
a flight log in two weeks.
Hey, you know,
according to the FAA,
you're supposed
to do that every day.
Well, sorry,
but it takes me
a couple of days
to think up
all my little adventures.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(SIGHING)
Roy!
What...
What are you
still doing here?
Uh,
I forgot something.
What?
What the hell
I was thinking
when I decided
to go after Sylvia.
Roy, I've gotta tell you,
this whole idea
of you flying to Boston
to surprise your dead wife,
who's not really dead...
I know. I know.
You think it's crazy...
No. It's totally cool!
I mean, it's insane!
I've got a whole new
respect for you, Roy.
You do?
Uh, I did,
but you're not going
through with it, so...
Hackett,
what are the chances
of this working?
Oh, Roy, who--who knows,
who cares?
Roy, you gotta be
a ten-percenter.
Huh?
A ten-percenter
like me.
See, I'm constantly trying
stupid and outrageous stuff,
right?
90% of the time
it just blows up
in my face.
But that's okay because
I rarely use my own name.
See, the other 10%
of the time when it pays off,
it is a high
like you wouldn't believe.
Damn!
Why didn't I have
the guts to go?
(SIGHING)
What's that?
Oh, keys to the plane.
Tell you what,
you pay for gas
and we're out of here.
I--I don't--
I don't know...
Come on, Roy.
What have you got
to lose?
Maybe you're right,
Hackett.
Roy, Roy, my boy,
you are about to join
that small cadre of men
who are capable of making
that grand romantic gesture.
People are just
too careful today,
you know what I'm saying?
That's true.
Computerized dating services,
pre-nuptial agreements,
fear of commitment.
I mean, let's face it, Roy,
we're living
in a latex-covered society.
But you--you--you refuse
to take the easy way.
You laugh
in the face of adversity.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Yes.
See, Roy, Roy,
you are willing to overcome
overwhelming odds.
Forget that any sane man
would bet against you.
You have a mission
and you will not be deterred.
Roy, think of it,
think of it.
This morning
your wife was dead.
But if things go your way,
by this evening
you'll be sleeping
with her.
I like the sound of that.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Good evening,
gentlemen.
(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
Holy crap!
Excuse me?
Uh...
Is--Is,
uh, S-Sylvia here?
Yes.
Whom shall I say
is calling?
Just t-tell her
Roy is here.
Roy and, uh...
Siegfried.
Siegfried and Roy,
perhaps you've heard of us?
Obviously not.
Hackett,
look at this place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unless she's the maid
who lives in the basement,
I'd say your job
just got a whole
lot tougher.
Maybe she just got lucky
on Wheel of Fortune, huh?
Well, at least you know
she likes flowers.
I think we should put these
in some water somewhere.
Here, here, here, here,
let me handle this.
There's gotta be a toilet
around here someplace.
Is something wrong
with Bijou?
Excuse me?
Bijou, my poodle.
Aren't you Roy,
my poodle groomer's
assistant?
Oh, my God, it's you.
(ROY GASPING)
What do you say, baby?
Oh, my God, it's you.
With a cheesy moustache.
I know, I know.
I--I can't believe
I'm here myself.
How in God's name
did you find me?
I called your brother,
Leonard.
He told me
where you were.
Leonard.
I haven't spoken
to that deadbeat
in 10 years.
He said you'd get a real kick
out of seein' me.
What is it you want?
Money?
No.
I just stopped by
to see how old Sylvia's doing.
Old Sylvia's
doing just fine.
But she's in the middle
of a cocktail party,
so if you'll just
excuse her.
No, Sylvia, wait.
Just give me a minute, huh?
You left under real
bad circumstances.
But things have changed
for me, Syl, for the better.
I own my own airline now.
I've got six planes now.
And--And I'm on
the Town Council.
So?
So, I've come to take you
away from all this.
Did somebody forget
to take their lithium
this morning?
No, no, no.
Sylvia, I mean it.
I want us
to be together again.
Roy, I've been married
for 12 years.
Is it serious?
Roy, please.
Syl, I want us to start over.
I'm a different person now.
Oh, Roy, stop.
No, we could be
good together, Syl.
Roy, I have a husband!
Does he have
his own business?
No. He's head
of plastic surgery
at New England General.
So, he's still punching
the old time clock, huh?
Syl, you--you can't
be happy here.
I'm very happy here.
Always?
No. Three months of the year
I'm happy in Palm Beach.
Oh, wild party,
wild party.
Just bumped into
Luciano Pavarotti
in the john.
Nice guy!
Not particularly shy,
either.
Can I assume this person
is with you?
Wow. You must be
Mrs. Biggins.
Don't call me that,
don't ever call me that.
Hey, Roy, for somebody
who's been dead
for 16 years,
she looks pretty good.
Dead?
You told people I was dead?
Yeah, I--I couldn't
tell people you left me.
Who'd have
believed it?
What do you, uh,
what do you tell
people about me?
Nothing.
I told them nothing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
gotta go.
Don't wanna end up
behind old Luciano
in the buffet line.
Nothing?
It's been 16 years, Roy.
I've made it a point
to change everything
about myself,
so I would bear
no resemblance
to the woman
who was married to you.
I've blocked our years
together completely
from my mind,
I remember nothing.
Oh, come on,
Sylvia, Vegas?
Gettin' trapped
in the elevator
with Wayne Newton?
He taught you all the words
to Danke Shoen.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, Sylvia.
There's gotta be something
about our marriage
you remember,
one happy memory.
I must have done something
to make you smile.
(SIGHS)
I have a very vague
recollection
of our first apartment,
when that Murphy bed
fell on your head
and knocked you out cold.
I remember liking
that a little.
And it could be
like that again.
No, Roy.
No, it can't.
Oh, y-your voice
says no, Sylvia,
but your eyes,
your eyes...
Well,
they say no, too.
But... Your husband's
a plastic surgeon,
who knows what your eyes
are really saying?
Roy, listen to me.
I was young,
I made a mistake.
But I've moved on.
I suggest you do the same.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I really must get back
to my guests.
Sylvia, if I walk
out that door,
I'm never coming back.
Thank you for understanding.
No, no, Sylvia, I mean it.
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I've been seeing
someone else.
Rush to her side.
All right, Sylvia.
You asked for it.
Goodbye, forever!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Did Roy leave?
Almost.
He's in the closet.
Roy, you in there?
Is she gone?
Yes, she is.
(SIGHING)
Well, I gather
things didn't work out
quite the way
you planned, huh?
Not exactly.
Well, the important
thing is, Roy,
that you did something
truly stupid.
And I'm proud of you.
And I'm taking something
valuable away
from this whole experience.
What's that?
Pavarotti's overcoat.
Come on,
let's get the hell
out of here.
Mr. Hyson.
Thanks.
Uh, listen,
I hate to ask you this,
but we have
a full flight today
plus a lot of extra baggage,
so, for safety's sake,
I really need to know
your exact weight.
Sure.
One sixty-five.
Okay.
And--And while
that vertically striped shirt
certainly
does flatter you,
you really have
to ask yourself,
"Do I want to tell the truth,
or do I want to cling
"to this futile sense
of vanity
"and be responsible
for a planeload
of very nice people
"plunging into the Atlantic?"
Okay, one ninety
seven.
Fine,
you're under the limit.
Good thing
you're not 220!
Uh, I'll take
the next flight.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
Do you guys know
how to interpret
dreams?
I've been having
this really weird one
ever since my wife
and I split up.
Yeah, I've read
a little bit about it.
Yeah, tell us the dream.
I'll give it a shot.
Okay.
I'm on a speeding train.
I'm headed toward a tunnel,
I have a cigar in one hand
and a snake in the other.
Then suddenly,
my train jumps the track
and another train
speeds into the tunnel,
and another,
then another,
then another.
Then I wake up.
What do you think?
I think you're afraid
of heights.
Well,
that would certainly explain
the dream I've had
about sitting on top
of the Washington Monument.
Uh, Roy,
could I talk to you
for a minute?
Please, Fay,
I'm eating.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you might
be interested to know
that the woman
who moved in
next door to me
finds you
very attractive.
Please, Fay,
I'm eating.
Her name is Doris Benton.
She saw you when
she came to pick me up
from work last night.
Forget it,
not interested.
Aw, come on, Roy.
Doris wants you to
take her to the dance
at the Beach Club.
Hey, the last thing
I need is one of
your old lady friends
smashing my toes
with her walker all night.
She's not an old lady
and she does not have
a walker.
She's standing
right over there.
Get rid of her, Fay.
Get rid of her.
I will not get rid of her.
You haven't even given her
a chance.
Come on, Roy.
She fits all your criteria,
she's breathing.
All right,
I'll make her day.
It's a great gag,
Fay.
When will she pull off
the wig and tell him
she's a man?
Gangway!
Hot pizza coming through!
Fay, where's Antonio?
He's not here yet.
He's not here yet?
Oh, no.
Mr. Pike is gonna kill me.
Who's Mr. Pike?
Oh, he's this
hotshot lawyer
who pays me
to fly his favorite pizza
down from Boston,
then Antonio's
supposed to take it out
to his beach house.
Where is that meatball?
Now, Antonio's gonna
be here very soon.
There's no need to resort
to name-calling.
Hey, Helen, could you
throw these in your oven?
No!
Families are out
on the street starving
while this rich man
is throwing away money
on this kind of extravagance.
I will have nothing
to do with it
and I don't think
you should either, Joe.
Hey, hey, come on, look.
It's the off season.
I've gotta make a living
any way I can.
Then suit yourself,
but my oven will not
be used
for crimes
against the people.
Then how do you explain
yesterday's pot roast?
Hey, Joe. I'm here.
Oh, it's about time.
Get these over to Mr. Pike.
I've been meaning
to talk to you
about this.
You get so much money
to fly these pizzas
from Boston.
But, I get
only my regular fare
to drive them
across the island.
A-Antonio, this pizza
is gettin' cold.
It's not a good time
to negotiate.
Seems like
the perfect time.
All right, all right.
Uh, I'll give you
double your fare.
I'm thinking triple.
I'm thinking
I have my own car.
I am the wind.
Oh, Roy. So, uh,
are you going to the dance?
No, Doris and I
didn't really hit it off.
What did you say
to her?
Wait, you didn't bring up
your erotic candle
collection, did you?
No.
We were just
making chit-chat
and she suddenly
got very self-conscious
about her hair.
Oh, so you did
say something.
I might have
off-handedly mentioned
that I could see
the freckles on her scalp.
Oh, Roy,
how could you?
Look, Fay,
Doris is nice enough,
but what can I say,
she's no Sylvia.
Oh, here we go again.
Roy, you cannot
keep comparing
every woman you meet
to your late wife!
She's been dead
16 years.
Oh, I don't always
do that!
Yeah, well, Roy,
actually, you kind of do.
I mean, you did it
to that woman that Fay
introduced you to
from her bridge club.
You did it to the manicurist
down on 4th Street...
Yeah, and don't forget
that lovely Filipino woman
you ordered
from the catalog.
Now, I'm sure Sylvia
was a wonderful woman
and I know that you
loved her very much,
but there are a lot
of nice women
out there, like Doris.
And if you don't
give them a chance,
you're gonna be lonely
for the rest of your life.
You--You can order women
from catalogs?
Now, here.
You call Doris
and apologize.
I'm sure she'll still
go out with you.
Although, it wouldn't hurt
if you sent her
a dozen roses
and a nice box
of chocolates.
Yeah, throw in a jar
of Porcelana
for those freckles.
All right,
all right.
Boy, I had another
one of those dreams
last night.
And this one has me
completely baffled.
Let's hear it.
Okay, I'm naked,
I'm tied to
a four-poster bed.
And I'm out of here.
At each of the posts
stands Madonna,
Michelle Pfeiffer,
Kim Basinger
and Julia Roberts.
Now, they're arguing
over who gets me first.
Anybody?
What exactly did you have
for dinner last night?
Well, what can
you tell from that?
Nothing.
I just want to make sure
I eat the same thing
tonight.
Roy? Roy Biggins?
I'd like a word with you.
I just got off the phone
with Doris.
She told me about
your date last night.
She said you spent
the entire night
talking about
your late wife.
Hey, if we don't share
the same interests,
it's not my fault.
Now, Roy,
I've given this
a lot of thought
and here's what I think
you should do.
You should go to Sylvia
and talk to her.
You should visit her grave
and ask her to release you.
That way you can close
this chapter of your life
and get on with things.
I--I--I'm sure
that Joe or Brian
would be happy
to fly you up to Vermont.
Fay, the guy has six planes,
let him fly himself.
What do I look like,
a delivery service?
Good point,
pizza man.
Besides, why would he want
to go to Vermont?
His wife's buried
in Boston.
No, she's buried in Vermont.
No,
she's buried in...
No, yeah, remember
the last time he went
to pay his respects,
he brought back maple syrup
and that woodpecker
door knocker?
Yeah, Roy,
so which is it?
Well, what's
the difference?
The important thing
is she's buried.
You told me
your wife was cremated.
Well, what is going
on here, Roy?
Yeah, Roy, one minute
you can't shut up
about your dead wife.
And the next minute,
you can't even remember
where she's buried?
Yeah,
or if she's buried.
Well, maybe
she is neither.
You didn't pay
to have her frozen,
did you?
No.
They say that Walt Disney
was frozen.
Roy, you're not making sense.
What'd you do with your wife?
Nothing, okay?
Well, the truth is,
you see,
Sylvia's not dead.
JOE: What?
FAY: What do you mean
she's not dead?
She's, uh, alive
and living
somewhere in Boston.
I heard they're gonna thaw
Walt out for Disney World's
50th anniversary.
They say that Goofy
will be throwing the switch.
What do you mean,
she's alive?
You told us you used
to go and visit
her grave every year.
Actually,
I go fly-fishing
in Maine.
Well, what about the annual
Sylvia R. Biggins
Memorial Pancake Breakfast?
Yeah.
How do you think
I paid for all those
trips to Maine?
Roy, how could you lie
about something like that?
To avoid
conversations like this.
You... Get off my back!
(AIRCRAFT FLYING OVERHEAD)
Roy, I think...
She walked out
on me, okay?
I was just too ashamed
to tell the truth
so I said she died.
Oh, Roy,
that's nothing to be...
What are you doing?
Petting my hamster.
Excuse me?
It's not a real hamster,
all right?
My doctor gave it to me
and he told me to pet it
whenever
I got stressed out.
It's very calming.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Roy, you are a strange
and fascinating man.
Now, to get back
to Sylvia...
I know it sounds weird
that I told people
she was dead,
but the first time
somebody asked me
what happened to her,
it just popped out
of my mouth.
And then, like so many
other times in my life,
the lie
became the truth.
Why did she leave you?
I don't know.
I went to bed one night
and when I got up
the next afternoon,
she was gone.
I guess I just wasn't
good enough for her.
I was a failure then
and I'm a failure now.
Now, that's your problem.
You're still thinking
of yourself as that failure
that Sylvia
walked out on.
But things have changed.
You're a successful
businessman,
you're
on the Town Council,
you're respected
in the community...
Roy, could we give
the hamster a rest?
You have a lot to offer
a woman today.
A woman like Doris,
for example.
You know, Fay,
you're right.
I--I--I'm not the same man
I was 16 years ago.
I--I have a lot
to offer a woman,
a hell of a lot.
I'm gonna go see her
right now.
Oh, that's the spirit, Roy!
Doris will be thrilled.
Who said anything
about Doris?
I'm goin' to Boston
to win back my wife.
Well, there goes Roy
off to Boston.
I can't help feel
he's making the biggest
mistake of his life.
What on earth
could he be thinking?
Right now? Probably,
"I wonder if this guy
sleeping next to me
"is gonna miss
the rest of his
Smokehouse Almonds."
Sylvia sure has a lot
of power over Roy.
I wonder what she's like.
Well, she left him.
So, without knowing
anything else about her,
I'd say she's got
good instincts.
Well, I'm out of here.
You comin', Brian?
No. I haven't filled out
a flight log in two weeks.
Hey, you know,
according to the FAA,
you're supposed
to do that every day.
Well, sorry,
but it takes me
a couple of days
to think up
all my little adventures.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(SIGHING)
Roy!
What...
What are you
still doing here?
Uh,
I forgot something.
What?
What the hell
I was thinking
when I decided
to go after Sylvia.
Roy, I've gotta tell you,
this whole idea
of you flying to Boston
to surprise your dead wife,
who's not really dead...
I know. I know.
You think it's crazy...
No. It's totally cool!
I mean, it's insane!
I've got a whole new
respect for you, Roy.
You do?
Uh, I did,
but you're not going
through with it, so...
Hackett,
what are the chances
of this working?
Oh, Roy, who--who knows,
who cares?
Roy, you gotta be
a ten-percenter.
Huh?
A ten-percenter
like me.
See, I'm constantly trying
stupid and outrageous stuff,
right?
90% of the time
it just blows up
in my face.
But that's okay because
I rarely use my own name.
See, the other 10%
of the time when it pays off,
it is a high
like you wouldn't believe.
Damn!
Why didn't I have
the guts to go?
(SIGHING)
What's that?
Oh, keys to the plane.
Tell you what,
you pay for gas
and we're out of here.
I--I don't--
I don't know...
Come on, Roy.
What have you got
to lose?
Maybe you're right,
Hackett.
Roy, Roy, my boy,
you are about to join
that small cadre of men
who are capable of making
that grand romantic gesture.
People are just
too careful today,
you know what I'm saying?
That's true.
Computerized dating services,
pre-nuptial agreements,
fear of commitment.
I mean, let's face it, Roy,
we're living
in a latex-covered society.
But you--you--you refuse
to take the easy way.
You laugh
in the face of adversity.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Yes.
See, Roy, Roy,
you are willing to overcome
overwhelming odds.
Forget that any sane man
would bet against you.
You have a mission
and you will not be deterred.
Roy, think of it,
think of it.
This morning
your wife was dead.
But if things go your way,
by this evening
you'll be sleeping
with her.
I like the sound of that.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Good evening,
gentlemen.
(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)
Holy crap!
Excuse me?
Uh...
Is--Is,
uh, S-Sylvia here?
Yes.
Whom shall I say
is calling?
Just t-tell her
Roy is here.
Roy and, uh...
Siegfried.
Siegfried and Roy,
perhaps you've heard of us?
Obviously not.
Hackett,
look at this place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unless she's the maid
who lives in the basement,
I'd say your job
just got a whole
lot tougher.
Maybe she just got lucky
on Wheel of Fortune, huh?
Well, at least you know
she likes flowers.
I think we should put these
in some water somewhere.
Here, here, here, here,
let me handle this.
There's gotta be a toilet
around here someplace.
Is something wrong
with Bijou?
Excuse me?
Bijou, my poodle.
Aren't you Roy,
my poodle groomer's
assistant?
Oh, my God, it's you.
(ROY GASPING)
What do you say, baby?
Oh, my God, it's you.
With a cheesy moustache.
I know, I know.
I--I can't believe
I'm here myself.
How in God's name
did you find me?
I called your brother,
Leonard.
He told me
where you were.
Leonard.
I haven't spoken
to that deadbeat
in 10 years.
He said you'd get a real kick
out of seein' me.
What is it you want?
Money?
No.
I just stopped by
to see how old Sylvia's doing.
Old Sylvia's
doing just fine.
But she's in the middle
of a cocktail party,
so if you'll just
excuse her.
No, Sylvia, wait.
Just give me a minute, huh?
You left under real
bad circumstances.
But things have changed
for me, Syl, for the better.
I own my own airline now.
I've got six planes now.
And--And I'm on
the Town Council.
So?
So, I've come to take you
away from all this.
Did somebody forget
to take their lithium
this morning?
No, no, no.
Sylvia, I mean it.
I want us
to be together again.
Roy, I've been married
for 12 years.
Is it serious?
Roy, please.
Syl, I want us to start over.
I'm a different person now.
Oh, Roy, stop.
No, we could be
good together, Syl.
Roy, I have a husband!
Does he have
his own business?
No. He's head
of plastic surgery
at New England General.
So, he's still punching
the old time clock, huh?
Syl, you--you can't
be happy here.
I'm very happy here.
Always?
No. Three months of the year
I'm happy in Palm Beach.
Oh, wild party,
wild party.
Just bumped into
Luciano Pavarotti
in the john.
Nice guy!
Not particularly shy,
either.
Can I assume this person
is with you?
Wow. You must be
Mrs. Biggins.
Don't call me that,
don't ever call me that.
Hey, Roy, for somebody
who's been dead
for 16 years,
she looks pretty good.
Dead?
You told people I was dead?
Yeah, I--I couldn't
tell people you left me.
Who'd have
believed it?
What do you, uh,
what do you tell
people about me?
Nothing.
I told them nothing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
gotta go.
Don't wanna end up
behind old Luciano
in the buffet line.
Nothing?
It's been 16 years, Roy.
I've made it a point
to change everything
about myself,
so I would bear
no resemblance
to the woman
who was married to you.
I've blocked our years
together completely
from my mind,
I remember nothing.
Oh, come on,
Sylvia, Vegas?
Gettin' trapped
in the elevator
with Wayne Newton?
He taught you all the words
to Danke Shoen.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, Sylvia.
There's gotta be something
about our marriage
you remember,
one happy memory.
I must have done something
to make you smile.
(SIGHS)
I have a very vague
recollection
of our first apartment,
when that Murphy bed
fell on your head
and knocked you out cold.
I remember liking
that a little.
And it could be
like that again.
No, Roy.
No, it can't.
Oh, y-your voice
says no, Sylvia,
but your eyes,
your eyes...
Well,
they say no, too.
But... Your husband's
a plastic surgeon,
who knows what your eyes
are really saying?
Roy, listen to me.
I was young,
I made a mistake.
But I've moved on.
I suggest you do the same.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I really must get back
to my guests.
Sylvia, if I walk
out that door,
I'm never coming back.
Thank you for understanding.
No, no, Sylvia, I mean it.
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I've been seeing
someone else.
Rush to her side.
All right, Sylvia.
You asked for it.
Goodbye, forever!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Did Roy leave?
Almost.
He's in the closet.
Roy, you in there?
Is she gone?
Yes, she is.
(SIGHING)
Well, I gather
things didn't work out
quite the way
you planned, huh?
Not exactly.
Well, the important
thing is, Roy,
that you did something
truly stupid.
And I'm proud of you.
And I'm taking something
valuable away
from this whole experience.
What's that?
Pavarotti's overcoat.
Come on,
let's get the hell
out of here.