Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Bogey Men - full transcript

Helen?
Oh, hi, Fay.

I was just
enjoying the sights.
Here, take a look.

There's still time
left on my quarter.

Oh, you know,
as residents we tend to

take the natural wonders
of this island for granted.

Mmm-hmm.

Is that new baggage handler
a bodybuilder?

Nice buns, huh?

Oh, gosh, I really
hadn't noticed.

(COIN RATTLING)

The time's up?
I'll get another quarter.



Better bring a roll.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Announcing the arrival
of Sandpiper Air flight 7
from Boston.

We welcome visitors
to our lovely Nantucket,

where a foot of beach
is lost to the sea
every 12 months.

That means in roughly
20,000 years,

your favorite secluded cove

or quaint little
bed and breakfast

will cease to exist.

So, enjoy our beaches
while you can

and keep
an eye on the little ones.

Joe, Joe.

You know what tomorrow is,
don't you, huh?

South Carolina



and the golfing adventure
of a lifetime!

I am pumped!
Are you pumped?

Joe, you don't look pumped.

Brian, I love to play golf,

but I don't know
about this, man.

A whole weekend
away from work is...

Hey, hey, hey!
Work is covered!

I've got everything
under control.

So relax, okay?
Joe, Joe, Joe, picture it.

A luxury condo
at Turtle Shoals Resort.

(IMITATING SOUND OF
TEE SHOT)

Closest you ever came
to a golf course that good

was a forced landing
on the sixth fairway

at the Boston Country Club.

I've never seen plaid scatter
that fast in my life.

Yeah, you're right.
This might be good for me,

and I'm trying
to stop worrying, so...

That's my boy!

But, I am
mildly concerned

about where the money
for this trip is coming from.

Well, Joe,
I--I have told you already.

My friend from Aruba
finally came through with
the money that he owed me.

Friend, Brian?

Friend! Bookie!

In his language
it's the same word.

Anyway, you know me,
I'm not a saver.

I figure, who better
to spend it on
than my big brother

who's always been
there for me.

So just consider this weekend
payback time.

All right, here's the deal.
No wheelies in the golf cart,

no exploding golf balls
and you'll leave the air horn
at home.

Agreed.
All right.

Yes!
I'm going.

(STAMMERING)
Oh, he's just happy

because we're going away
together for the weekend.

Never mind.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Excuse me, I--I believe
Roy has sprung a leak.

Heard about your little,
uh, golfing weekend, Hackett.

I'm coming along.

Thanks, Roy,
but it's too showy
if we bring our own caddy.

Yeah, well, you're
taking me, Hackett,

you're taking me
'cause I'm onto
your little scam.

You're not treating
your brother
to any vacation.

This whole weekend is
one of those free promotions

to sell timeshare condos
and isn't costing you a dime.

So, am I going with you
or, uh, do I spill the beans?

Hey, Roy, you don't
wanna come with us.

Why don't you
just go on your own?

I can't, I've been
to Turtle Shoals twice
under my own name

and their computers
have me blacklisted.

All right, all right,
you're in.

But think about this,
Roy.

Those timeshare hucksters
are the lowest scum on Earth,

and even they don't want you.

(PLAYING SCALES)

I didn't know
you played guitar,
Antonio.

Ah, I only started
a few months ago.

Hmm. Can you
play us something?

Well, there is one
American folk song

I used to hear in Italy.

For years it was
the only English I knew.

Hmm. Well, play that.

(HUMMING
MICHAEL ROW THE BOAT ASHORE)

Oh, yeah.

My goat knows
the bowling score

Hallelujah

My goat knows
the bowling score

Excuse me.

Uh, I think it's

"Michael row
the boat ashore."

Get out.

The meaning, it changes,
but...

Okay, I try it your way.

Michael
row the boat ashore

Hallelujah

(COINS RATTLING)

That--That man,
he dropped his money.

No, no, no.
Antonio, that's for you.

He liked what he heard.
The money's like a tip.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Sid's new hair
is in the mail

Hallelujah

You know, I wish
more people could have

the experience
of flying Sandpiper.

Hey, thanks, Roy.

Yeah, if everyone could take
a ride in this cheese box,

my business would triple.

You know, we didn't
have to bring a fourth.

Yeah, I know,
but if we left it up
to the golf course,

they'd just fill out
our foursome with some
obnoxious cretin.

(POPS BAG)

This way
we bring our own.

I don't care.
I'm not letting Roy
ruin this for me.

I'm really looking forward
to this weekend.

Ah! Stepping up
to the first tee
at the crack of dawn,

the dew on the fairway,

and beating you like
a drum for, what,

the 16th time
in a row?

Hey, your streak ends
today, Chi Chi!

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll see.

Well, I finally made
my decision.

Gonna tee off with Ed, here.

Ed?
You named your golf ball?

Yeah, named all of 'em.

I, uh, haven't had
a lot of luck
with conventional pets.

Lowell, why on earth...
Joe, Joe, stop.

Heed the warning signs.
You're about to enter
Lowell's world.

Yeah, they all live
together happily

in their handy-dandy,
air-tight plastic bag.

Aren't you afraid
your little friends
will suffocate?

Earth to Roy,
they're just golf balls.

See, if I press
the flaps together,

then the stripe
turns orange

and I know that
it's locked tight
as a drum.

I'm not even looking
and I can tell
it's not orange.

So, let's agree right now.
When we get to Turtle Shoals,

we'll go straight
to the golf course

and skip the high-pressure
sales pitch, okay?

Shut--Shut up, Roy!
What sales pitch?

What is the big deal,
Hackett?

We're gonna land
in 20 minutes.

He'll find out then
anyway.

Wait. I said, I said
what sales pitch?

The condo sales pitch,
Hackett.

Haven't you figured
this out yet?

This whole thing is
just a sales promotion.

Now, wait a minute.

You mean to tell me
this whole thing
isn't costing you a cent?

By Jove, you cracked
the case, Sherlock.

Oh! That's great, Brian.

You know,
the whole thing was a lie.
"Payback weekend."

Some guy from Aruba.

Okay, okay, okay.

But it was the only way
I could get you to take
this vacation

which I think
even you would admit
you need desperately.

I just took a vacation.

You went to a symposium
on wing de-icing
in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Look, we have no intention
of buying anything.

Oh, what are they
gonna do if they catch us,

drive golf tees
under our fingernails?

Don't ask me how,
but I happen to know

that hurts like
nobody's business.

Roy, I--I don't know,
it still...
It feels dishonest.

Hackett, let me explain
something to you.

Most of the people
that go to these things

are along for the free ride,
just like us.

But we serve
a purpose.

We make the place
look so popular

that they can sucker
the other dolts into
actually buying.

Well, you know,
if you look at it that way,

I guess we're actually
doing them a favor.
Yes.

Not to mention the fact
that Golf Monthly rated it

one of the top ten courses
on the Eastern Seaboard.

I like the way
this man thinks!
All right.

Okay, here's the deal.

When we get there,
we drop off our bags,

we get onto the course,

and if we hustle we can
squeeze in 36 holes today.

(WHOOPING)
Fore!

Yeah, now you're talking!
Now you're talking!

Okay.
Hey, guys,

I'm having a heck of a time
gathering up these balls.

Gotcha, Lowell.
Maybe this'll help.

LOWELL: Thank you.

Hey, Roy!

Roy!

Hurry up and get changed,
will you?

Be lucky if we can
get in nine holes as it is.

Thanks to you.

How was I supposed to know
they'd confiscate our clubs
in the lobby

and herd us off
to a three-hour
sales presentation?

Four hours.
Four hours!

Four hours, Brian.

It made me nostalgic
for that time I passed
a kidney stone.

I apologize, okay?
Yeah, okay, fine, yeah.

And while on the list
of things you need to
apologize for,

let's start with this room.

Four people in a one-room
condo? How luxurious.

The guy lied to me
over the phone!

He told me I was gonna
get two of 'em!

What kind of knucklehead
believes a timeshare salesman?

Hey! Were you guys
as blown away

by that sales presentation
as I was?

Just think,
eight short months ago,

this was nothing
but lush forest
and wetland preserve.

I was so impressed,
I'm actually considering

selling my boat and buying
one of these condos.

Lowell, then you'd only have
a place to live two weeks
out of the year.

Yes, Joe, but I could
do enough living
in those two weeks

to make up
for the other 40.

How you look
on the course

is just as important
as how you play.

My guess is you do
both equally well.

You can count on it.
Now, let's hit the links.

We've wasted enough time
here already.

Hey, uh, excuse me.
I don't wanna hear another
word out of you, okay?

You've been here twice.

Why didn't you tell us
that the salesmen were
gonna kidnap us?

Ah, must be some new policy.

Probably too many people
scamming 'em.

Isn't that always the way?

A few free-loaders ruin it
for the rest of us.

Looks like
it's clouding up.

Oh, would you stop
worrying, Joe!

This is the South.
It's humid.

(RAIN POURING)

I've never
seen it this humid.

TV ANNOUNCER:
And in the Carolinas,
Tropical Storm Dwayne

continues to pound
the coastal areas.

Dwayne?

We are being pounded
by a storm named Dwayne?

Whatever happened to
giving these things

macho names like "Roy"?

Or appropriate names
like "Brian."

Something that cuts a swath
of misery and destruction

everywhere it goes.

BRIAN: Fore!

Ooh! That was a miracle shot!

Hackett's ball was
wedged between

the toilet seat
and the tank.

But he really
blasted it out of there.

If he gets to
the garbage disposal in one,

he has a chance
of breaking par.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

That's it!

I've had enough.

I came 950 miles to play golf

and, damn it,
that is what I intend to do.

Roy, you can't play golf
in weather like this.

Well, you debutantes
can stay in here

and enjoy
your tea party.

Us real men are going out
onto the golf course.

Lowell, you coming?

I'd really rather stay here
at the tea party, Roy.

Ah, well,
who needs you?

Uh, he'll be okay,

just as long as
we don't get any...

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Whoa! Wow!
You see that?

Roy's walking around
on a wet fairway

carrying a bag
full of lightning rods.

We gotta do something!

I am. I'm looking for
Lowell's video camera.

There he is,
he dove into a sand trap!

Hey, Roy!
Get down!

Crawl on your belly
this way!

Remember, lightning always
strikes the highest point!

Keep your butt down, Roy!
Keep your butt down!

You take
those wet clothes off

before you set foot
in this house, mister.

(COINS CLINKING)
Michael
row the boat ashore

Thank you.

Hallelujah

Thank you.

Michael
row the boat ashore

Bless you.

Michael's been rowing
that boat ashore

for two freaking days.

But he never really
gets anywhere, does he?

He just keeps
rowin' the boat,

rowin' the boat.

Oh, sure,
the River Jordan's
chilly and wide,

but it's a river.
It ends.

Does this song? No!

The passengers
seem to like it.

Of course they do.

They're all going somewhere.
They only hear it once.

I don't know
how you stand it, Fay.

I've found that aspirin helps.

Yeah, I tried that.
I still have a headache.

Well, try putting them
in your ears.

Iced tea, please.
I'm taking five.

You sure I can't get
you some lunch?

How about a nice big
starchy meal

followed by
a nap until closing?

Uh, just the tea.
I'll eat after the gig.

I don't suppose
you know another song?

Well, uh, I have been
composing a new song

about my trip to America.

That might be a nice change.

Why don't you sing
that for us?

Wow! My first request.

Ladies and gentlemen,

uh, I would like to slow
things down a little bit.

Antonio comes to the USA

Hallelujah

Oh, this'll quit soon,
it's just a drizzle.

They don't name drizzles, Joe.

Gentlemen, we have fire.

Just think, those words
were first grunted

by primitive man
10,000 years ago.

Ouch!

I think a bug or something
bit me on the back of my head.

Can you see anything, Brian?

Oh, God, is this depressing.

I'm actually bored enough
to take a look.

(COUGHING)

You know...

LOWELL: Originally,
fire provided not only heat,

but protection and community
for our Neanderthal forebears.

We've come a long way
since then.

Maybe not.

I'll be darned if I can
find anything, Lowell,

but, uh, I don't think a trip
to the dermatologist would be

a waste of your time.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

What is he using,
a Waterpik?

That is definitely
not a Waterpik.

(WHISTLING)

Roy, uh, what were you
just doing in there?

Just mind your own business,
Hackett.

I know what I need
to get to sleep.

I used to be curious.
Now, I'm just scared.

Okay, sleeping arrangements.

I figure since there's
four of us

and only one bed,
we could draw straws...

Oh! Too late.

JOE: Hey, Roy! Roy!

There's four of us.
How come you get the bed?

You're right.
I'm being selfish.

Somebody wanna
share with me?

You and me, sofa bed.

Deal.

Oh, oh, Lowell.
I'm sorry.
Did you wanna...

No, you guys
go ahead.

I'll just take
the chaise lounge
out here.

You're gonna sleep
out in that?

Ah, it's under
the overhang.

You forget,
I live on a boat.

A little weather
won't bother Lowell Mather.

Night.

(WIND HOWLING)

BRIAN: What's it
doing out there?

Uh, the wind's
freshening a bit.

(GROANING)

(ROY SNORING)

It just doesn't get
any better than this.

He'll stop.

The trick is to
get him to roll over
without waking him up.

No, no, no.
Let me do it.

This requires a certain
amount of finesse.

(STOPS SNORING)

Nice shot!
You hit him!

Try throwing a shoe at Roy
and not hitting him.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

What was it?

It's hard to describe.

But it made my eyelids
flap like a window shade.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Joe.

You and I haven't slept
in the same room

since
we were kids, remember?

Oh, yeah,
the bunk beds.

(LAUGHING)
Yeah.

You in the top,
me in the bottom.

(SNORING)

Dog in the hallway
coughing up a chicken bone.

Brian, the sooner
we go to sleep,

the sooner this day
will be over.

You're saying
a little cuddling's
out of the question?

Good night.

(ROY SNORING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

JOE: What the hell is that?

Smoke alarm.
Out of my way.

Nice follow through.

Lowell, did it occur to you
to open the flue?

Yes, it did, Joe,

the minute I heard
the smoke alarm.

All right, we've got to get
the smoke out of here.

(COUGHING)

(SIGHING)

Lowell, quit sulking.

We don't care if you forgot
to pack your bathtime buddies.

There is no way
we are going back for 'em.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Nevada-one-two-one-papa-papa,
this is Nantucket Tower.

You're cleared
for final approach.

Nevada-one-two-one-
papa-papa, roger.

Thank God!

Made this approach
thousands of times.

I've never been
this anxious to touch down.

Ditto. I wanna get
as far away from you people
as I possibly can.

What's the difference, Roy?

We'd still be able to
hear you snoring from
the other side of the island.

I don't mind leaving
the duck behind.

But when I think
of some stranger

with his hands
on Mr. Squishy,

it just tears me apart.

Oh, shut up, Lowell.
Shut up!

Leave him alone,
leave him alone.

I don't wanna leave...
Why don't you shut up?

Don't you tell
my brother to shut up!

I'll tell anybody...
You're the one that
got us into this, Hackett!

Everyone, shut up!

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Nevada-one-two-one-papa-papa,
go around, go around,

you're no longer
cleared for landing.

Tower,
what's the problem?

Some crazy woman
is out on the runway

chasing after a man
with a guitar.