Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 12 - Marriage, Italian Style - full transcript

Hey, Roy.

Hey, Lowell.
How're you doing?

Well, it's kind of strange.

I've had this
nagging feeling all day

that I'm
forgetting something.

Hmm. Well, my guess is
you get that feeling a lot.

No, this is different.

It's like I started
something this morning
and I forgot to complete it.

Well, it must be something.

Oh, there you are, Lowell.

Do you want me to finish
cutting your hair or not?



Oh, sorry, Fay.

Well, whatever it was,
it'll come to me eventually.

Sandpiper Air flight 19
to Boston will now
begin boarding.

At this time, we'd like
to seat those passengers
in our first class section,

rows one through six.

Fay, we only have six rows.
There's no first class.

I know, but it makes
everyone feel so special.

Oh, morning, Antonio.
How was your weekend?

(CRYING) Oh, Lowell.

Boy, I never will
get used to these
European greetings.

Hey, uh, Antonio.
Are you okay?

Oh, Brian.

(CRYING)

What the hell is
going on here?



Oh... Brian.

Antonio, what's wrong?

I have bad news.

The government turned down
my request for a new visa.

I must leave
the country.

HELEN: What? Gosh...

How much time
do you have?

One month only.
Then I must go back to Italy.

Oh, this is awful.

Things were just
starting to go so well

for you and your
taxi business.

I know, I just learned
the long way to every place
on the island.

What's Gepetto whining about?
I'd love to go live in Italy.

Yeah. Sure sounds
good to me.

Yeah, doesn't it?
Which part?

Any part you like, Roy,
just so long as you go.

You know, isn't this always
the way? The government
picks on the little guy

when there are so
many bigger problems.

Rampant drug abuse,
unchecked poverty,
crime in the streets.

Helen, please.
I miss America
enough already.

I wanted to be the first
Scarpacci to be a success
in this country.

You know, Antonio,
there's more than one way
to stay in the country.

You know, you can marry
an American citizen.

That would get you a visa.

Oh, look at me.
Madonna is not exactly
returning my phone calls.

You either?

You know, people
do it all the time.

You just find someone
and you make a simple
business arrangement.

You know, I have heard
of people doing that.
Yeah.

Oh, how is Antonio
going to find some woman

who's willing to marry him
at the last minute?

Everybody, everybody,
you want a cupcake,
you go to a baker.

You want girls,
you come to me.

Where do you go to
get a huge cigar burn
out of a bedspread?

Well, I was just asking.

Look, all I need
to know is what type
of girl you like?

Brian, I--I--I am
so touched.

You offer your time,
your energy,

but I can't ask you to go
through all this trouble.

It's no trouble!
Okay, I'm a butt man.

So, Helen, do I look okay?
I--I want to impress
my new bride,

whoever she is.

Whoever Brian found
for you is going to
be very impressed.

You have no reason
to be nervous.

Oh, good. Because when
I get nervous, I sweat.

And when I sweat,
I sweat like a hog.

From my neck,
from my legs, from my...

Do you mind?

Forgive me.
I offend the delicate flower.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Hey, guys!

Brian, I thought
you were supposed to
bring Antonio's bride-to-be.

She is right behind me.
But, look, uh,

before I bring her out,
she might not be
exactly to your taste,

but I... Who am I to say?

(SHRILL VOICE) Looks like
I got most of it, kid.

I think it was just gum.

Oh, God.

Joe, where's the luckiest man
on Nantucket?

He's right over here.

Antonio Scarpacci,
I would like
to introduce you

to Miss Sally McCabe
from Sconset,

or as she's known
around the island...

Sconset Sal!
Press the flesh!

(GROANS)

You have a
very strong grip.

Yeah, I ought to.

I do all the work
on the boat myself,
right down to the plumbing.

Why, I could take apart
a pump toilet,
dead drunk and blindfolded!

Uh, it's a quality
I look for in a woman.

So, your--
your friend here tells me
you need a wife.

Well, maybe I...

Well, here's my offer.

My boat's been taking
on a lot of bilge water, see?

And that's something
even I won't touch.

So, if you'll pay to
have it pumped down,
disinfected and plugged up,

aw, heck,
I'll marry you.

They say it's only romantic
when the man proposes.

I can't pay more than $500.

It's a deal.
Press the flesh!

That's okay. Uh, excuse me.
I--I must call the
immigration office

and tell them
I'm going to be married.

Hey! Tell the world, dogface!
I ain't ashamed of you!

(CHUCKLING)
Brian, are you completely
out of your mind?

Sconset Sal and Antonio?
Listen, I was desperate.

No, I mean the woman
spends her time down
at the wharf

letting tourists
take pictures

while her parrot
pecks birdseed
out of her bellybutton.

If she were 20 years old,
living in a loft in SoHo,

they'd call it
performance art.

Hey!

I ain't the Holiday Inn!

Okay, so they're not
Gable and Lombard.

But all Antonio has
to do is wait for the
marriage certificate,

then he never has
to see Sal again.

I spoke to the
immigration officer...
Mmm-hmm.

and I told him

I am engaged.

Great!
So what's he sending us
for our wedding?

I'm registered
at Tiffany's.

(CACKLING)

(STAMMERING)
You don't understand.

See, the man from
immigration, he comes
next week to interview us.

He wants to make sure
we are a real couple.

Well, looks like we've got
some acquainting to do.

Oh, joy.

You're just a little bit
of a guy, ain't you?

Why, I bet I could
pick you up and spin
you round my head!

(GROANING)

Antonio, are you okay?
You look exhausted.

Oh, I'm dead on my feet.

For the last week,

I have been up every night
studying at Sal's.

We have to learn all about
each other's personal habits.

The man from immigration
comes to quiz us today.

You actually went
to that shack she lives in?

Does this rash
answer your question?

Oh, Antonio,
congratulations.

Heard about you
and Sconset Sal,
you old swordsman, you.

Thank you.
She's quite a catch.

Lowell, they're only
getting married so he
can stay in the country.

Oh, boy, what a relief.

It's not easy to find
nice things to say about
that old lunatic.

It pains me to say that,
she is my godmother.

Antonio, I understand
what you're doing, but are
you sure this is all legal?

Oh, yes, I checked it out.

If today goes well,
all we have to do
is get married

and then get
a quickie divorce.

Now, where is that
barnacle-encrusted mercenary
I shall soon call my bride?

Announcing the arrival
of Aeromass flight 17
from Boston.

Aeromass,
where our seats adjust
so yours don't have to.

Flight 17. The man
from immigration,
he comes on this flight.

SAL: Ahoy!
Ah, thank God Sal's here.

Look, Sparky, we gotta talk.

You're a sweet little
illegal alien,
but I gotta dump you.

I got hot
in a crap game, see?

I won enough money
to fix my boat myself.

Look, you can't do this.
We had an arrangement.
They will deport me.

Oh, everybody's
got a sad story.

Me, I came this close
to marrying one
of the Kennedys.

See you around, Frenchie.

That's it.
What am I going to do?

The government agent
will be here any minute.

Okay, okay,
don't sweat it, Antonio.

We just got to find
some way to stall him,
that's all.

Excuse me, I'm George Fulham,
from Immigration
and Naturalization.

I'm supposed to meet
an Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here know him?

Uh, no, I don't. You do?

No, I don't. You, Lowell?

No, I don't.
Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So, this meeting was
supposed to be with
you and your fiancee.

Where is she?

Uh, my fiancee...

Uh, she's...

She's...
Right here, you silly.

(GRUNTS)

He's always
kiddin' around.

(CHUCKLING)
I'm such a nut.

So, you two
are getting married.

Didn't that
work out nicely?

One week, Mr. Scarpacci's
denied his visa,
the next, he's engaged.

Yeah.
I've been on an
emotional roller coaster.

Uh-huh. So, why don't we
start at the beginning?

How long have you two
known each other?

BOTH: Uh...

Uh, what's it been?
What? Six months.

Yes. Six months.
Exactly six.

And, when did you
decide to get engaged?

BOTH: Oh...

Must have been, uh,
just a-- just a few
weeks ago, you know.

Yes, a few weeks,
exactly a few.

I see.

You know, we could sit here
and make nice all day.
But I gotta tell you.

What I'm looking at here
is a textbook example
of a sham marriage,

uh, wouldn't you say?

Oh, well I can see how
you would say that.

But, now, um,
if that were true...

Uh, would we be planning
the big fancy wedding like
the one we're planning?

(EXHALING NOISILY)

Oh, you're planning a--a
big fancy wedding, are you?

Very big, very fancy.
Yes. Yes. Ah.

Helen will be wearing
my mother's wedding dress.

Oh, that's a nice touch.

Uh-uh, when is the wedding?

Oh, it's this Saturday.

Uh, so you're planning on--
on doing it up right,

uh, music, champagne, flowers?

Yes, lots of flowers.
A feast for the nose.
Yes, lots of flowers.

Handpicked. The flowers,
not the nose.

I think I'm getting
the picture here.

(CLEARING THROAT)
We're talking about a...

A big wedding, with all kinds
of family and friends.

Yes.
Absolutely.

Then you probably wouldn't
mind if I came, too.

Oh, of course not.
Uh, we'll send you
an invitation.

Great. Thank you very much.

I am really
looking forward to it.

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SIGHS)
Helen, I don't know
how to thank you.

Oh, don't start, Antonio.
We have two days to plan
the wedding of the century

and there's a million
things to do.

Excuse me, uh, did I hear
correctly? You're actually
having a wedding?

Yes. This Saturday.

Wow, this is
getting out of hand.

Well, I had no choice.

Now, if we're going
to pull this off,

I need all of your help.
Is everybody in?

(ALL AGREEING)

I'll round up
some guests.
Okay.

I can take care of the food.
I'll make some of my
crab cakes.

In fact, crab is
traditional wedding fare.

It's supposed to
guarantee that you'll
be together forever.

I served them at
all three of my weddings.

What am I going to do
about a dress?

My fiancee, the brain surgeon
here, told the man I was going
to be married

in his mother's wedding dress.

And you will. I'll call Mama
right now and have her
send it air express.

Yep.
Ooh.

When you absolutely,
positively have to
get married overnight.

Wait a minute.
What am I thinking?

Where are we
going to have this?

I mean, there's no time
to get a hall
or a-- or a church.

Use my hangar.

Oh, no. This guy's really
slick. There's no way
he's gonna buy that.

W-Why not? You know,
tell him it's where
you first met.

People get married
in weird places
all the time.

Joe's right. Why,
Bunny and I got married in
the back of her father's car.

Uh, no,
that was something else.

Yes? Bride's side
or groom's?

I don't know.
Some guy just came down
to the pier this morning

and offered us $5
to show up here.

So, where do you want
our bait buckets?

Uh, gift table's over there.

You paid people to show up
at this wedding?

Relax, will you?

Besides, they're not
all scuzzy fishermen
like those guys.

Hey, boys,
how're you doing?

Hope you don't mind,
but while the ceremony's
going on,

I got some delicates soaking
in the little girls' room.

Very nice.
A definite step up.

Roy, I didn't think
you were coming.

Bogus wedding,
possible deportation
and an open bar?

(CHUCKLING)
Try keeping me away.

Uh, you remember
Inspector Fulham?

Oh, of course I do.
Say, I had no idea
you were coming.

But since you're here,
I've got a little question for
you. Hypothetically, okay?

A guy gets distracted
and he forgets to file his
tax return for a few years.

What's the worst that could
possibly happen to him?

Well, that's really
not my department,
Uh-huh.

but I'd be happy to
check into it for you.

Okay.
Mister...?

Biggins. Roy Biggins.

Okay. Fulham's here.
Let's get this thing going.
What's keeping Helen?

I don't know. I'll check.

Hey, Helen.
Let's get going.

What's going on?
How come you're
not getting dressed?

I can't, Joe.

Why not?

I was fine until
this dress got here.

This is a wedding dress, Joe.
A real wedding dress.

A real big wedding dress.

Apparently Mama Scarpacci
never met a cannoli
she didn't like.

You don't understand, Joe.
I was just trying to do
something nice.

Now, I'm gonna walk into
an airplane hangar,

wearing a stranger's dress
and marry a guy I hardly know.
I can't do it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me, Helen, Joe,
I hope I'm not interrupting.

I, uh, just wanted to
give you something.

My blue bandanna.

You get the significance?

Yes, Lowell.
No bride can be married
without something blue.

Well, actually it's
something borrowed

and I'll be
needing that back.

Been using it
as my gas cap.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

This is my
wedding day, Joe.

The day I've dreamed about
ever since I was
a little girl.

You know,
my friends and I,

we used to put pajama bottoms
on our head

and play
marriage ceremony.

But I never meant for it
to be like this.

You know, a woman only gets
to have one first wedding day

and I just don't
want this to be it.

Look, Helen, you've already
done more for Antonio than
anyone has a right to expect.

So if you want to back out,
I don't think there's

a person out there
that wouldn't understand.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, scusi.

Antonio...
Helen, Helen,

I just want to tell you,

what you are doing for me
today, I will never forget.

(INTERRUPTING) The night
before I leave Italy,

my mother comes to me.
She worries about me
in--in America.

"Who will look after
you there?," she says.

"Who... Who will be
your family?"

Today, I know. Thank you.

You're welcome, Antonio.

Hey, come on.
Everybody's waiting. Helen,
you gonna do this or not?

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

Is everything
all right, Fay?

No.

If that immigration agent
is going to believe
this is a real wedding,

I should be crying.
And I don't think I can cry.

Uh, uh, come on,
help me think of
something sad.

Okay.

Let's see.

A little boy, after his
first day at kindergarten,

and his mommy never
comes to pick him up.

No. Nothing.

Apparently you and my mother
have a lot in common.

Uh... Helen ought
to be out any minute.

Good. I thought maybe
the bride was getting
cold feet.

Oh, no, no, no.
She is crazy about Antonio.
Yeah, she told me herself.

He makes every guy
she has ever been with

look like
a child, an infant,
an immature idiot.

How is it that
you know Helen?

Oh, well,

I, uh, sort of dated her.

You can sit there
and pretend like
you don't know me.

But that New Year's Eve
was the best night
of your life.

Give me a break.
I was young and impetuous.
It was a lifetime ago.

It was last year!

So all that was left
was one puppy.

All alone,
on a piece of driftwood,

three miles out to sea.

No, not a tear.

My God, woman. What are
you made out of, stone?

It was a little puppy.

I'm ready!

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Well, are we
ready to begin?

Fine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered here today

to witness a solemn
and beautiful occasion.

Those of you sitting
in the back have no idea
just how beautiful.

Do you, Antonio,

take Helen to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

To love and to cherish,
as long as you both may live?

I do.

And do you, Helen,
take Antonio to be your
lawfully wedded husband

to love and cherish as long as
you both may live?

Helen?

Senor, scusi.

Helen, the last thing I want
is for you to be unhappy.

So, please, if you have
doubts, don't be afraid
to answer "I don't."

I don't.
Oh, God.

I don't have any doubts.
I do.

I can't hear you!

I do!

Then, by the power
vested in me by the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

I hereby pronounce you
man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I know this is not
the appropriate time
to ask you this, but, uh,

when are we getting
that quickie divorce?

Three years
from this day.

Three years?

Yes. That--that--that
is the law.

What do you... You
said we were gonna get
a quickie divorce!

Helen, my grandparents
were married 81 years.

To me, three years
is a quickie divorce.

Now, smile for the camera,
sweetheart.