Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 13 - Divorce, American Style - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR:
Last week on Wings.

(SOBBING) Oh, Brian.

Antonio, what's wrong?

The government turned down
my request for a new visa.

I must leave the country.
What?

You know, Antonio,
there's more than one way
to stay in the country.

You know, you can marry
an American citizen.
That would get you a visa.

Oh, how is Antonio
gonna find some woman

who's willing to marry him
at the last minute?

And do you, Helen,
take Antonio to be your
lawful wedded husband?

I do.



Uh, when are we getting
that quickie divorce?

Three years from this day.

Three years?

Yes. That--that
is the law.

What...

You said we were gonna
get a quickie divorce!

Helen, my grandparents
were married 81 years.

To me, three years is
a quickie divorce.

Now, smile for the camera,
sweetheart.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, Helen,
this is supposed to be
your wedding day.

If you and Antonio want to
fool that immigration agent,

you should at least
try to smile a little.



Helen, come on.
Things could be a lot worse.

Pucker up, toots,
I'm here to kiss the bride.

(CHUCKLES)

See?

(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)

(JAZZ ORGAN PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

So the government
pays you to track down
illegal aliens, huh?

Well, after a fashion, yes.

Ever been aboard
one of their motherships?

Hey, Brian,
what do you make of this?
Hmm?

I found this matchbook
in my pocket.

It's got a phone number
and the name Rachel
written on it.

I've no idea
who this woman is.

Some of my best mornings
have started with those
very words.

Oh, well.
No! What're you doing?

Joe, you never
throw out a Rachel.

Throw out a Mildred.
Throw out an Ethel.
But never a Rachel.

Rachel is a biblical name.

You call a Rachel,
you might see God.

If she looks like the last
girl you set me up with,
I might see Roy.

(CHUCKLING)
You know what?

I'm having a lot more fun
here than I thought I would.

What with that
federal agent snooping around

I can get Helen
to do anything.

Here, watch this.

Attention, please.

I think someone's
still wearing a garter.

You don't have to make
an announcement, Roy.

Just go in the men's room
and take it off.

Oh, Helen and Antonio,
what are you...

No, y-you come over here

and all you
eligible bachelors,
you move over there

and get ready to
catch the garter.

Come on, show us some leg.

(LAUGHING)

You'll see plenty
when I cram my foot
down your throat.

Please, Helen,
this pains me as much
as it does you.

But with Immigration
here, what can I do?

Hit it, Thelma!

(ALL CHEERING)

Grab it.
It won't bite you.
Come on!

I'll help you.

Oh, just take it!

Toss it, Antonio!
Toss it!
Come on.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

FAY:
Oh, congratulations, Lowell.

You know what catching
the garter means?

Yeah. Finally, I got
something frilly to
keep my pants leg

from getting caught
in my bicycle chain.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, Mrs. Scarpacci.

I just wanted to
thank you for today.

Oh, well, we're just so glad
that you could join us. Bye.

Well, I...
This is hardly goodbye.
You'll be seeing me again.

Oh, good. Why is that?

Uh, it's procedure.
You know, follow-up
interviews.

I can drop by any time.
And I will.

Are you sure that
that's necessary?

Oh, you have nothing
to worry about.

After all, this is
a legitimate marriage,
isn't it?

And you and your husband
are both much too smart
to risk going to prison.

Prison?

Oh, sure.
Defrauding the government
is a federal crime.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I hope you like
the soup tureen I gave you.
Oh.

Don't ask me why I thought
it was appropriate.

It serves seven to ten.

Fay, I could go to prison.

Do you know what could
happen to a little thing
like me in prison?

Um, you'd get picked last
for the basketball team?

Fay, I just can't
stand this any more.
I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna take a hot bath,

and I'm gonna forget
this day ever happened.

Uh, H-H-Helen,
you can't leave before
you throw your bouquet.

I suppose it wouldn't
hurt to have coffee.

Well, Joe,
it finally happened.

Today we lost
our little Helen.

Yeah, well, think of it
this way, Brian.

We didn't lose a friend.
We gained a new tarpaulin
for the Cessna.

Let's just get out of here.
Oh, hold on there!

Somebody who you have to call.

Who?

Rachel.

Hey, I threw that
matchbook away.

I know. I recycled it.

Come on, Brian,
I don't want to...

Relax, will you?
Relax.

I'm gonna put her on the
speakerphone. If you don't
like the sound of her voice,

she's history.

(PHONE RINGING)

RACHEL: Hello.

Uh, Rachel?

Yes?

Uh, my name is Joe Hackett
and, uh...

Could you hold on
for just a second, please?

I just finished
working out and you got me
out of the shower,

so I'm standing here
stark naked and dripping wet.

BOTH: Ooh.

I usually pay
three bucks a minute
for a call like that.

Okay, I'm back.

Uh, well, Rachel,
I know this is gonna
sound crazy, but,

uh, I found your name
and your number

on a matchbook
in my sport jacket and, uh,

well, I--I--I can't
remember where it was...

(STUTTERING) Could...
Can I put you on hold
for just one second?

Okay.

What? What?
Wha-Wha-Wha-What? What?
Are you nuts, Joe?

Nothing turns a woman off
more than telling her
you don't remember her.

I mean, it's--it's--it's
right up there with,

"My, you have stout,
muscular legs."

Uh, sorry, Rachel,
there's an annoying

little gnat buzzing
around me in here.

Uh, anyway, uh, I found
your name and number,

and, uh, to be
perfectly honest,

I--I--I can't
remember meeting you.

Well, maybe we met at the gym.

Um, did we talk after
an aerobics class?

You take aerobics?

I'm an instructor.

BOTH: Ooh.

Uh, no, it--it
wasn't at the gym.

Uh, well, the, the matchbook
is from a restaurant

called The Club Car
down on Main Street.
Does that help?

The Club Car?

Oh, wait a minute,
The Club Car.

Are you about six feet tall
with brown hair?

Yeah.
Oh, I remember you.

But you don't
remember me at all?

Well, I, uh...

Look, Joe, um,
why don't we get together

and see if we can
solve this little mystery?

Where're you gonna be
say, uh, tomorrow?

Well, I'm a pilot
with Sandpiper Air.

Uh, actually I,
uh, I own it.

Terrific.
Um, I'll come by the airport.

Let's see, uh, I've got
a thigh class at 11:00

and a butt class at 1:00.

How about if I
squeeze you in between?

BOTH: Ooh.

Uh, sounds great, Rachel.

Okay, good.
I'm looking forward to it.
Bye.

Goodbye.

(BOTH CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Is she hot or what?

And, boy,
does she sound built?

Oh, yeah, right.
Like you can tell that
from the phone.

Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe,
I have a trained ear.

It has to do with acoustics
and believe me,

she has got a set of
ack-ack guns on her

that could bring down
the space shuttle.

Brian, there is no way
that you can tell.

RACHEL: Excuse me,
can I clear this up for you?

36-24-36.

Now would you please hang up
so I could use this line?

Sorry.

BOTH: Ooh.

(SCREAMING)
Buena sera, Helen.

What are you doing
in my house?

Uh, I thought
I would surprise you.

So far, so good.

Get out of my bathroom!

It is okay.
I--I am not seeing a thing.

Uh, but if I were,

may I be permitted
to say, "Wow"?

Antonio,
I'm gonna scream again.

No, no, Helen, please,
there is no need.

Uh, I am so grateful
to you for helping me
stay in the country,

I thank you
the only way I know how.

By breaking into my house
and walking in on my bath?

That is only the beginning.

I have prepared for you
a meal to die for.

Veal scaloppini, a tossed
green salad and the most
al dente fettuccine.

How did you
get in here anyway?

Uh, I found your key
under the mat.

You really should be
more careful.

Now, I will just leave
your feast here.

And if you need me,
I will be in the other room,
unpacking.

Get back in here!

Ah, my wildest dream
has come true.

What do you mean,
"unpacking"?

I have to move in.

Mr. Fulham, the man from INS,
said that when he visits,

he expects us to be
living together like
man and wife.

What? You're kidding!

Besides, when we have
our follow-up interview,

we must know every detail
about each other.

For example,
I am already learning that
you're not particularly shy.

I'm not particularly smart
either or I wouldn't be
in this stupid mess.

Now, Helen, please,
I will be no trouble.

I will be like a shadow.

In the morning I will
slip out the door,

and you will say,
"What was that, the wind?"

And I will whisper,
"No, it is me, Antonio."

But I will already be gone,
so you won't be able
to hear me.

You obviously give me
no choice.

So, fine.

But listen,
here are the rules.

You sleep
on the downstairs couch.

You are second in line
for the bathroom.

You don't even sneeze unless
you check with me first.

Fine. I will not look at you,
talk to you, or touch you.

It will be like
we're married 10 years.

(SCREAMING)
Hey, newlyweds.

Whoa, jackpot.

Brian, this is an outrage.

Don't you know
it is very rude

to barge into a woman's
bathroom unannounced?
It is unthinkable.

Is that veal scaloppini?
Yes, with just
a hint of basil.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I tried calling
you guys but the phone was
off the hook.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.
I knew you wouldn't

want to be disturbed
while taking a bath.

Both of you,
get out of here!

Okay, but you won't hear
the good news
or the bad news.

What good news?

Well, I was down
at Hennessey's Pub
having a beer

and I spent an hour
talking to a lawyer.

And he said that
there might be another way
for Antonio to get his visa.

(EXCLAIMS)

What is the bad news?

Spent an hour
talking to lawyer.

What'd he say?
What'd he say?

Well, Helen, you sure
you want to take this
lying down? I mean...

Brian!
Okay, apparently,

Congress just passed
this law making
40,000 visas available

in some sort of big lottery.

Y-you just have to send in
your name and address.

Wait a minute. You're saying
that the government picks
a bunch of names at random,

and those people get
their green cards
free and clear?

That's right.
All you got to do is enter.

If this is that thing
with Ed McMahon,
I may have already won.

Hey, this is terrific.

You know, this may be
just the loophole I need.

We've got to get
started right away.

Allow me.
Let me help you.

Get out!

Brian, I got tired of
sitting in the car.

Hi, Helen.

Antonio, oh, caught you
on the hopper, eh?

Uh, now let me
get this straight.

You mean, anybody
who wants a green card

can enter this lottery
as many times as they want?

Yes. They draw
40,000 names next week.

That's why I'm so tired.

Helen and I stayed up
all night addressing
envelopes,

writing applications,
licking the stamps.

Every time I completed one,
she make me do another.

You know,
when they have a drawing
on the Poppo the Clown Show,

they let a monkey
pick the lucky ticket.

So?

Take it from
a three-time winner,

rubbing a banana
on these entries is
not time wasted.

Hey, good news, everybody.
We've got 2,000
completed entries.

(ALL CHEERING)

Only 8,000 more to go.

ALL: Oh, no.

Oh, come on now.
Don't quit on me now.

The lottery's my last chance
to get out of this marriage.

Boy, you forget to put down
the toilet seat one time...

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Rachel Adams.
I'm looking for Joe Hackett.

Hi, Rachel.
I'm Joe Hackett.

Oh, really?

Gosh, you're not
what I expected.

Well, uh, you're a lot
more than I expected,
so I guess it kinda evens out.

No. No, see,
you don't understand.

I--I came here
looking for the guy
who ran into my car.

What?
Yeah.

A couple of months ago,
this guy puts a dent
in my fender so I wrote

my name and number
on the back of this
Club Car matchbook

and the jerk
never calls me back.

But then how'd the matchbook
get into my jacket?

I don't know,
but you're definitely not
the guy who hit my car.

Well, this must be
the lovely...

That's the guy!
Whoa, gotta run!

Hold it, Brian.

You know this guy?

Yeah, he's my brother.
You borrowed my jacket, huh?

Okay, what's the big idea?
The number you gave me
was for some lousy bakery.

Hey, that happens to be
a damn good bakery.

Look, uh,
I-I-I'm really sorry.

I lost your number
and after a while I just
forgot all about it.

Let me refresh your memory.
You owe me 338 bucks.

Oh, uh, look,
there must be some way
I could work this off.

You know,
I happen to be an expert
at shiatsu massage.

And...

I'll go write you a check.

Hey, look, I'm--I'm
really sorry about this.

I'd like to
make it up to you.

You know,
clear the family name and all.
Say something like lunch?

Well, is dinner
something like lunch?

Because I'm free tonight.

8:00?
Yeah, yeah, you want to
pick me up at the gym?

Yes, I do.

Here you go, Rach.

Thanks a lot.

So, see you tonight, Joe.

Yeah. Oh, just one second.

All right, Brian,
now write her one
on your account.

(GRUNTING)

The Immigration office
lines are still busy.

Well, try again, Antonio.
I have to know.

Now, Helen, you've waited
a week already. Be patient.

Yelling at Antonio
isn't going to make the call
go through any quicker.

It's ringing, it's ringing.

Well, it's still good advice.

Hello. Yes, I-I-I'm calling
to see if I was chosen
in the visa lottery.

Antonio Scarpacci
from Nantucket.

She's checking.
The lady's checking.

Oh, please, please, please,
please, please...

You can say "please"
for hours.
It won't do you any good.

Ah, another page
from the Roy Biggins
dating manual.

He-Hello, yes. Yes.

I see.

Thank you. Goodbye.

They didn't pick you,
did they?

(SOBS)

At least we still
have each other.

Helen?
You all right, kid?

Yeah, I will be.

I mean,
it's only three years.
That's not so terrible.

Three years isn't a lifetime.

It is if you're
a horseshoe crab.

Am I the only one
who watches PBS?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

I just have to
keep in mind
why I'm doing this.

This is for Antonio.
He's a very sweet guy.

He is considerate,
he's kind,
he's a good cook.

We should have married him.

HELEN: Hello.

Uh, no, I'm sorry,
he's not here.
Can I take a message?

Uh, this is...

(SIGHING) His wife.

Could you repeat that, please?

Are you absolutely sure?

Oh, no, I'll tell him.
You can count on that.

Thank you.

What? What's up?
Where are you going?

I'm gonna go
kill my husband.

Not unlike
the violin spider,

who kills her mate

and then lays her eggs
in his nutrient-rich
carcass.

I just happen
to know that one.

Helen.

Don't "Helen" me.
I just got a call
from Immigration,

and they want to know
where to send
your green card

you won in the lottery.

Can we discuss this
over dinner, honey?

Look, I want you,
your hair net,
your gravity boots

and your
Hooked on Phonics tapes
out of my house.

Why did you lie to me?

I'm still not sure.

When they told me
I had won,

all I could think was,

"This has been
the happiest week since
I came to this country,

"and now it has to end."

I guess, I liked coming
home to a warm house
and a friendly face.

Well, not that face.

You have others.

Were you ever gonna
tell me the truth?

Of course,
but I was hoping,

by then you might
like me a little.

Antonio,

you didn't really think
that we could stay married,
did you?

Let me try to explain.

Many years ago
in Positano, Italy,

there was a young man
named Angelo

and a young woman
named Anna Maria.

One day, their fathers,
they decide

the two children
will be married.

Angelo and Anna Maria
do not even meet until
the day of their wedding.

Well, at first
they are both so scared,

but after a time

you'll never guess
what happened.

They grew to love each other.
I told you this story?

I saw the picture
you keep of your parents.

Angelo and Anna Maria, right?

They did grow
to love each other.

It can happen.

Oh, Antonio.

I'm touched. Really, I am.

But see, when I get
married for real,

I want it to be for real.

And you know what?
You deserve the same thing.

I promise you, some day
you will find a woman
that is perfect for you.

But never one
as beautiful.

Oh, sure you will.

No. Trust me on this one.
History is not in my favor.

You are the first
Scarpacci woman to have

more hair above her nose
than below.

Hey, this is still
a great day for you.

You get to stay
in the country.

And in a few years,
you may even get
to be a citizen.

I guess I should celebrate.

Yes. But first,
um, would you do me
a favor, Antonio?

Anything.

Would you do me the honor
of giving me back my hand
in marriage?

Will you divorce me?

I will.

There is no woman
I would rather have
as my ex-wife.

Ah, thank you.

So let's go get
some expensive champagne
and a cheap lawyer.

You got it.

Uh, now that we are
both single, uh, would you
like to go out sometime?

Too soon.