Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 8 - Ladies Who Lunch - full transcript

I guess I was 18

when I knew insurance
was going to be my life.

God, I love it.

Just the other day,
I was talking to this guy,

40 years old,
married, two kids,

wants a $50,000
universal life policy.

Well, I said to him,
"My friend, you're a smoker,

"your family has
a history of heart disease

"and you're in
a high-risk occupation."

I mean, according
to my actuarial table,

this guy is...



Hey! Okay!
Okay! Okay!

(PANTING)

Sorry. You know,

you--you get me
talking about insurance,

I just lose myself.

Hey, who doesn't, huh?
Yeah.

By the way,

what company carries
the policy on your plane?

You know,
I'll bet their rate on
a million dollar comprehensive

can't compare
to the rate that I...

Hey!

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Are you sure?

D-D-Did you see
identification?



Okay. Okay, then.
It must be true. Uh-huh.

(WHISTLES)

So, did you find out
who they are?

Walter says they're
Secret Service agents.

Secret Service?

They're here doing
a security check
on the airport.

You know, I forget.
Uh, after they do
a strip search,

should you tip them
or will a simple smile
suffice?

(PHONE RINGING)

You know, my father was
in the Secret Service.

Really?

No, wait.
That's not right.

Oh, he lied to stay
out of the service

and I'm supposed
to keep it a secret.

(STAMMERING)
Why are they here?

Air Force One
is landing here next week

on the way to Kennebunkport.

This is the political
opportunity of a lifetime.

I'm gonna have my picture
taken with the President.

If I can just get
to touch Mrs. Bush,
my streak will continue.

What are you
babbling about?

Uh, well,
I've touched every First Lady
in the last 50 years.

It--It all started
when I was a toddler.

My father took me to hear
President Roosevelt speak,

and his wife, Eleanor,
patted me on the head,

and I've touched
every First Lady since then.

Mamie Eisenhower?

Touched her.

Bess Truman?
Touched her.

Pat Nixon?

Touched her.

Well, I accidentally
knocked her down
in the process,

but that counts.

Fay, Gail and I are gonna
go into town for lunch,
all right?

Okay. Uh, Joe,

did you hear
who's coming
to Nantucket?

Yes, I did.

You know
what this means
for me, don't you?

Yeah. Another entry
in your FBI file.

Say, Joe,
I went to
gas up the plane.

Uh, Steve Tolman said
no more fuel
till you pay the bill.

Steve Tolman?
What happened to Bob?

He always lets us
slide on our bill.

They fired him
for letting everyone
slide on their bill.

Oh. Uh, honey,
I'll be back in a minute.

I've got to
straighten this out.

(AIRCRAFT ENGINE WHIRRING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Hi, Helen.

Hi, Gail.

How are you?

Fine.

Why are
these moments between us
always so uncomfortable?

(SIGHING) I don't know.
I guess it's because

I'm Joe's ex
and you're his "why?"

Why?

I don't know. Maybe because
he got tired of looking
at the top of your head.

Hey, I'm short, you know?
There's no denying it.

Oh. Those are
really cute shoes.

You know, sometimes
they don't come
in the larger sizes.

Ah, the subtle humor
of a fry cook.

At least I work
for a living.

Well, you've got a point.

Investigative journalism
is really more of a career.

Oh, right. I read
your last article,

"Breezy Bermuda:
Jewel of the Atlantic."

Tsk, just where are you
going to put the Pulitzer?

I can't expect you
to understand the process.

But that started out
as a serious piece

and my editor did
a hatchet job on it.

Is that the same guy
that does your hair?

Big talk from someone
whose roots are blacker

than Alex Haley's.

You pig!

How dare you!

Oh, like that's
the first time
you've heard that today.

GAIL: No, just
the first time

from someone with
a trailer park accent.

That's it!

(WOMEN SHOUTING)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Wait! Wait!

What is
going on here?

Did you hear
what she said to me?

I'm gonna
knock your butt off!

Anytime, half-pint!
Anytime!

Let me go!
Let me go, Joe.
Let me go.

Give me
a hand here.

(GIGGLING)

What the hell
was going on
out there?

Joe! Hey, why are you
pickin' on me?

Why don't you
drag Bigfoot in here?

Helen,
knock it off.

This bologna
between you and Gail
has got to stop.

Why are you blaming me?
She's the one egging it on.

You just don't see that
'cause you're in love.

Now, listen.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.

You two are the most
important women in my life.

But this constant bickering
is driving me crazy.

Gail is not
gonna go away.

So you have got
to make an effort
to be civil to her.

Or what?

Or...

You and I can't
be friends anymore.

All right.
I'll apologize to her.

But if she so much as
looks at me the wrong way,

I'm gonna kick her bony butt
right back to Capitol Hill.

That's my girl.

HELEN: Gail, um...

I just want to
tell you that

what just happened out here,
I'm really sorry.

I--I was
out of control.

No, Helen.
It's totally my fault.

See, I told you
it was all...

It was
both of our faults.

So, truce?

Yeah, okay.

That's better.

Hey, you know,
I just had
the craziest idea.

BOTH: What?

Well, Gail and I were
supposed to go out to lunch,

but I gotta handle
this fuel problem,

so why don't you two
go out together?

Oh, no.
I don't think so
Oh, gosh, I don't...

Come on, now.
Come on.

I think if you two spend
a little time together,

you'd find you have
a lot in common.

Well, gee. Joe,
we just hugged
and everything.

Don't you think
that's enough?

Come on,
it's one lunch
out of your life.

Come on. For me.
For Joe. For Joey.

Please.

How much longer
do you want to
listen to this?

I'll drive.

Have fun.

Joe? Joey.

I watched you trade away

a Carl Yastrzemski
rookie baseball card.

Saw you turn down a date
with Kathy "My Parents
Are Out Of Town" McBride.

I even stood there stupefied
as you bought an AMC Pacer.

But this,

my brother,
is by far,

the stupidest thing
I have ever seen you do.

Look, I am just
trying to stop
this constant fighting,

and that car handled
beautifully.

So did Kathy McBride.

Look at it this way, Joe.

At least while Gail and Helen
are arguing,

they're not comparing notes
about you.

Come on. You don't think
they would do that, do you?

Joe, when you fell off
the turnip truck,

did it back over your head?

Brian is right.
That's how women are.

Just the other day,

two women got into my cab,
total strangers.

Within two minutes,
they are talking
about their love lives

in the most graphic detail.

How'd you handle it?

I took the long way.

I had so much fun today!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Who would have thought
that one lunch

would change
our whole relationship?

Well, one lunch
and two bottles of wine.

Maybe I should go.

This is Joe's house

and he's not expecting me
to be here.

I'm cooking dinner for him
anyways.

It's no harder
to cook for three.

Well, okay.

Do you know
where Joe keeps
his steak sauce?

Under "S."

You're kidding.
The kitchen's alphabetized?

Oh, you don't know
the half of it.
Check this out.

All the handles
on the pots and pans

all face the same direction.
Due north.

Joe is the greatest guy,

but where does
this stuff come from?

I don't know.

I mean, that thing
about the shoes.

Isn't that weird?

Oh, the man can't
sleep at night

if his shoes in the closet
are touching.

Oh, I am so glad
I have someone
to talk to about this.

It is so bizarre.

One night,
while Joe and I were in bed,

I got up...

I'm sorry.
Is it okay for me
to talk like this?

I mean, since you...
Oh, please!

I'm so over Joe,
it's not even funny.

Good. 'Cause this one
will kill you.
Oh, great.

I got up while he was asleep,
touched his loafers together,

and, swear to God,
the man sat bolt upright!

No! No!
Yes! Yes!

You want
some more wine?

Does Joe
iron his T-shirts?

As long as you're
comfortable with this,

could we spend a moment
on "the clench"?

Oh, the butt thing?
Yes!

What is it? He can't
walk by a mirror

without checking
himself out.

Yeah, that's it!

And he doesn't think
anybody notices!
Anybody notices!

It goes on all the time.

Really.

Okay. As long as
we're sharing secrets...

What?

Has Tarzan
made an appearance yet?

What?

Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, Gail.

Hi!
Hi.

What are you
laughing about?

Nothing.

So, uh, how'd things go
with you and Helen today?

(STIFLING LAUGHTER)

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

I guess you did.

She didn't even
come back to work.

So, uh, what'd you two
talk about?

Stuff.

Stuff? Well,
what kind of stuff?

Joe, if you want to know
if Helen and I
talked about you,

why don't you just ask?

Okay. Did you talk about me?

Joe! When two intelligent
women get together

they have more
to talk about than men.

We talked about
politics and music, art.

I was very impressed.
Helen's really
quite sophisticated.

(HELEN MIMICKING
TARZAN YODELING)

(LAUGHING)

Helen!

Joe!

I mean,
Lord of the Jungle.

(BOTH WOMEN LAUGHING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

FAY: Oh, look,
the plane door is opening!

Now, remember,
when I stop the President
and shake his hand,

that's your cue
to take the picture.

I haven't been this excited
since Nancy Reagan told me

to get out of her face
or she'd have me arrested.

AGENT: Okay, everybody, back.

Let's clear a path,
lots of room.

Here they come!

Hey! It's Millie!
It's Millie the dog!

Take off your hat, son.
It's the President's dog.

All right, folks.
The show's over.

Hey, hey, hey!
Where's the President?

The President and Mrs. Bush
won't be deplaning.

Then what are
they doing here?

Millie needed
some stitches removed

and her vet's
vacationing on the island.

Fay, it is so sad.

Your streak must
come to an end.

Oh, I'm not giving up
that easily.

I had to hurdle
a barbeque pit to touch
Lady Bird Johnson.

PILOT: How about
if we send out
an autographed picture

of the First Lady, ma'am?
Over.

Uh, that's very sweet,

but I'm afraid I have to
actually touch Mrs. Bush.

I thought the pilot
of Air Force One

might have
a little influence,

but I guess
I was mistaken. Over.

PILOT: Okay.

What if they bring out
Mrs. Bush's scarf

and you touch that? Over.

Garments only count
if she's in them.

I'd-- I'd hate to break
my streak on a technicality.

Over.

PILOT: Stand by.
I'll ask the First Lady.

(SIGHS)

PILOT: Okay.
Come on out. Over.

Oh, really?
Oh, that's wonderful!

Just give me a minute
and I'll freshen up. Over.

PILOT: Ma'am,
I'd get out here

before Sununu
gets wind of this. Over.

I'm-- I'm on my way over.

I mean, I'm on my way. Over.

I mean, I'm hanging up.

(IN SINGSONGY VOICE)
Oh, Roy!

Guess where I'm going!
Where?

Mrs. Cochran?
Right this way.

You're kidding?
You're going out there?

Oh, Fay. Fay, you've got
to take me with you!

Don't be
such a goose, Roy.

A-And now if you'll excuse me,
I have a First Lady to touch.

No, no! Hey, no.
This is not fair!

I am a fellow elected
official! She's nothing!

I demand to have my picture
taken with the President!

ROY: Oh!

Hey, gorgeous.

Whoo!
Whoa!

You're not gorgeous!

You're not
so hot yourself.

Uh, I mean you're not Gail.
What are you doing here?

I'm making our dinner.

Our dinner?

Yeah. It was late
when we got
out of the movies

and Gail asked me
if I wanted to stay.

We ended up seeing
Thelma and Louise.

I don't know why,
but that movie
just speaks to me.

When the two of them
blew up that guy's truck,
we laughed.

Uh, where--where is Gail?
I need to talk to her.

Oh, she went
to get some dessert.

All right. Listen, Helen.
Uh, since Gail is gone

there's something
I need to talk
to you about.

Yeah?

Uh, well, you know,
the three of us

have been spending
a lot of time together lately,

and--and, uh...

Well, do you think
that Gail and I

could have
a little more time
to ourselves?

Oh! Yes, Joe. Sure.

I mean, my mom
didn't raise an idiot.

Except for my sister,
who married that boob
from Hawaii.

Thanks.
I knew you'd understand.

Sure. No problem.
I'll leave
right after dinner.

I'm gonna see Gail
tomorrow anyway.

We're going
shopping together.

W-What is it
with you and Gail, anyway?

I mean, you spend
so much time together.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're never apart.

Well, may I remind you,
Joe, that it was you

who wanted us
to get together
in the first place?

Yeah, for lunch.
You know, "Gee, this is nice,

"let's do this again sometime,
but we never will" lunch.

Now you two are practically
joined at the hip.

Don't you think
it's just a little weird

that your new best friend
happens to be my girlfriend?

Don't tell me
that you're worried

about Gail and I
trading secrets about you.

No. I realize that's all
just good-natured ribbing.

Think I handled that
very well.

Hey, I've been meaning
to put that lock

on my underwear drawer
for weeks.

Then what is it, Joe?

I just find the whole thing
a little suspicious.

Suspicious?
What are you suggesting?

That I'm trying to
come in between
the two of you?

Ooh! Sounds like
somebody's a little insecure
about their relationship.

Oh, Helen,
that is ridiculous!

My relationship with Gail
has never been
on firmer ground.

Why? Did she say something
to you about it?

See, there's doubts.

Oh, that wasn't a doubt.

It was a question,
a simple question.

Can't a guy ask
a simple question?

Oh, you'd like there
to be some doubts,
though, wouldn't you?

What?

Well, you're the one that
brought this whole thing up.

I mean, maybe that is
what this is all about.

You coming between
me and Gail.

Why on earth
would I want to come
between you and Gail?

Well, I'll tell you why. Uh,
because you're not over me.

Oh, please!
I can't believe
you said that to me!

Oh, no, wait.
Of course.
No, this makes sense.

I found someone else
and you didn't

and you couldn't stand that!

Oh, how could I have
been so stupid!

You obviously worked at it.

Hey, Joe,
I am so over you,
it's not even funny.

Yeah. You wish
you were over me.

You wish you were
all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one
not over me yet.

(CHUCKLING)
Ha!

Oh, I feel
nothing for you!
Yep.

Uh--Uh, less than nothing.

I'm more attracted
to that piece of meat.

Oh, yeah?
Then why don't you
kiss it?

You know, uh, that
really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss.

Yeah. That was
more like your kisses,
cold and dead.

What the hell was that?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know.
I don't know.

One minute we're spanking
each other with meat,

the next minute
it got weird.

What is wrong with us, Joe?

What are we, animals?

Yeah, I think so.

Hi, guys.

Oh!

Gail, uh, this is
not what you think.
Gail...

No?

I think you were
kissing Helen.

Okay. Maybe it is
what you think, but, uh...

HELEN: Gail,
I'm so embarrassed.

Look. Look,
there's a really
good explanation

for what was
going on here.

I'm waiting.

Oh, you want to hear it?

You know, I don't know why
I should be surprised by this.

The more I saw
you two together,

the more I realized
there were still
unresolved feelings.

Gail, listen...
No, no. It's obvious.

What you and Helen have
is really kind of special.

What you and I have
is really kind of special.

What Helen and I have
is really kind of special.

What the three of us have
is really kind of sick.

Wait, Gail. Gail, wait.
Can't we talk this out?

Depends.

If you can
honestly tell me

that you don't have
any feelings for Helen,

I will be glad to sit down
and talk this out.

Can you honestly
tell me that?

Well, I guess
I have my answer.

Gail, wait.

No, please!
I would like
to just leave

while we can
still be friends.

Well, I'm...
I hope we still can be.

Oh, I was talking
about me and Helen.

Whoa.

I know.

She just...
I know.

Wow.

And then there were two.

You must be talking about
you and this veal,

'cause I am out of here.
Wait, wait, wait.

But--But we--we
have some talking to do.

About what?

What? About what
just happened here.

That was incredible!
That was pure passion.
You can't deny that.

Just because
you act crazy
for a minute,

doesn't mean
you check
into an asylum.

I mean,
we had something once.

It took me a long time
to get over it.

But I'm in a really
good place now.

I'm independent
and I really like my life.

And I really can't
get back into this.

So, no offense,

but then there was one.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Lucy, I'm home
from the club!

Wow.

Hey, either a cow
exploded in here

or you took a page out of
the Brian Hackett Cookbook.

Look, Joe.
Beautiful and biodegradable.

Listen, Brian, don't-- don't
start with me. All right?

I don't think anyone
on this planet has had
a worse day than mine.

This is News Update.
I'm Edwin Newman.

In Nantucket, Massachusetts
today, a man was arrested

while attempting to sneak
aboard Air Force One.

Town councilman, Roy Biggins,
was taken into custody

after repeatedly demanding
this his picture be taken
with the President.

Biggins is currently
undergoing

psychiatric evaluation.