Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 7 - Crate Expectations - full transcript
It's Joe's birthday and he tells everyone that he prefer not to celebrate it. Brian decides to throw him a surprise party and everyone agrees to help. Later Joe overhears them planning the party and he's touched. But later they all realize they have prior commitments so they have to reschedule. Fay then tells Joe that he has to stay and take receipt of some items that are going to be delivered to the hanger later and that everyone else has plans. Joe thinking that it's a ruse to make sure he's around for the party goes along with it. But when a man delivering a crate arrives, he thinks that they're in the crate and is expecting them to be inside but is disappointed that they're not. And the next day is sore at everyone for pulling a fast one on him. So Brian tells him the party was rescheduled and asks him to be there. And when Joe tells Brian of the assumption he made about the crate, Brian decides to do that. But the person Brian puts in charge of bringing the crate to Joe makes a mistake.
BRIAN: Seven.
LOWELL: Eight.
Nine.
Hey, uh, hello.
Ten.
Eleven.
I'm having soup here.
Sooner or later one of
you guys is gonna miss.
Then what?
The end of life
as we know it.
Hey, uh, come on, Lowell.
This is really making
me nervous.
Would you take that outside?
Okay.
But wouldn't playing catch
by myself basically just be
throwing the ball away?
All right, fine.
I'll leave.
This is a disaster
waiting to happen.
Oh, come on.
Would you just relax?
Joe,
can I...
Oh!
You got to smile
at the irony, Joe.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
Hi.
I need a one-way ticket
to Hyannis, please.
With pleasure.
Our normal fare is $60.
But we here at Aeromass
like to honor our troops
with a half price discount.
30 bucks? Great.
Appreciate it.
Why, Roy,
what a nice thing to do.
Well, it's just my little way
of saying thanks to our troops
for the job they did
over in Saddam's sandbox.
One-way ticket
to Hyannis, please.
That'll be $90.
Roy!
I got to make it
up somewhere.
If she wants
a better rate,
let her enlist.
Hey, Helen. How was
the date last night?
I don't want to ever
speak to you again
as long as I live.
Sounds like something
one of my dates would say.
Usually preceded by,
"Don't touch that."
How could you set me up
with such a weirdo?
What,
Red Hastings?
I thought you two would
have a lot in common.
Like what?
Well, you're
both desperate.
Do you have any idea
why they call him Red?
Oh, I get it.
You're turned off
by red hair?
No.
I like the hair.
I don't...
I even don't mind
the red car.
But the red shoes,
the red jacket,
the red shirt,
the red pants,
the red socks,
the red carpet,
the red couch,
the red cat.
Red cat?
He dyed it.
He dyed his cat!
Just take a wild guess
what movie we rented.
Blue Velvet.
Reds.
The man thinks
it's funny.
It is funny.
His name's Red.
I appreciate your trying
to get me into circulation
after Joe dumped me.
But from now on,
I'll take care
of my own love life.
Could've been worse.
His nickname could've
been Stinky.
Hey, look at this.
The new L. L. Bean
and J. Crew catalog
came on the same day.
Oh, I feel like stopping
what I'm doing
and writing down how I feel.
Hey, Helen.
Can I get a...
So I heard you went out
with Red Hastings last night.
And I had a lovely time,
thank you.
Okay, fine.
It just seemed like sort
of a weird choice to me.
I mean, he's got that thing
about the color red.
Oh, really?
I didn't notice.
(CHUCKLING)
I hear he's got red cats.
One! One red cat.
Can't a man have
one red cat?
You know, it's a sad day
in this country
when a man
with a simple,
little eccentricity
is labeled
the village idiot.
(GRUNTS)
Hear, hear.
Oh, uh,
look, as long as
everybody's here,
I--I'd just like
to say something.
I know what kind
of people you are
and I know you like
to make a big deal
about everyone's birthday,
but now that I'm firmly
entrenched in my 30s,
I prefer not to have
my birthday recognized.
I'd just like to let
this day slip by
like any other day.
No cards, no gifts,
no nothing.
And, uh, if any of you
were planning a party,
I don't want one.
Today is your birthday?
Well, yeah.
I thought
it was last week.
No. It's today.
But, uh, I'm serious.
I don't want you
to do anything.
Oh, let us do
a little something.
No. No.
I have reached the age
when your birthday doesn't
mean you're getting
a year older,
it means you're getting
a year closer to death.
Joe, you should not
feel that way.
You know what they say,
"Life is like a fine wine."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You get better with age.
Only up to a point.
Then you turn sour,
everything settles
to the bottom,
and they can't get
rid of you fast enough.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Thank you.
Uh, did anybody else hear
what Joe just said?
Yeah, he doesn't
want a party.
Uh, uh, no, I mean,
really hear what he said.
He doesn't want a party
for his birthday?
I think what Joe's saying
is that he really would
like a party.
No. I was sitting
right there, Fay.
I know what I heard.
The point I'm laboring
to make is,
I think Joe would really
like to have a party.
You didn't hear the words
hearing aid from me.
Come on, let's do it up big
and have a real party.
Yeah. That sounds
pretty good, actually.
Yeah.
Why not?
Uh, let's see, uh...
Oh, we could do
a circus theme.
We could do
the terminal over
like a big top
and hang a trapeze
from the balcony,
sell cotton candy
and all dress up
in clown suits.
Too much?
Maybe a tad.
Um, surprise parties
are always nice.
I know it's really
short notice but I know
that Helen and I...
Helen, we could put
something together
for tonight.
I'm very excited.
I've already found
the perfect gift.
Twenty-four carat gold,
silk-lined,
hand-engraved
cigarette case.
Yeah, Antonio,
Joe doesn't smoke.
Well, I still have
a few hours left.
Maybe I'll find
something else
on the floor of my cab.
That's right. We want,
"Happy Birthday, Joe"
spelled out
in chocolate frosting.
Uh-huh.
We need it for tonight.
We're having
a surprise party
for him in the hangar.
Oh, oh, and, Thelma,
put a couple of clowns on top.
I'll take the heat.
Say, uh, Helen,
the buzz
around the airport is
that you're available
for discreet introductions.
Great. Now you're gonna try
to set me up with somebody.
Well, not just somebody.
It's my cousin Bevo.
Lowell, I'm really
not interested.
Thank you.
Well, I g-got his picture
right here in my pocket.
Lowell, I'm telling you,
I have no...
Whoa! Hunk a doodle doo.
Well, if that means
that you are interested,
I'm going to see him
at the hospital right now.
You're kidding.
He's a doctor?
No. He just hangs around
outside the pathology lab
to see if they throw out
anything that he can use.
Fay, uh, bad news.
They just called an emergency
town council meeting.
I--I can't make
Joe's party tonight.
Oh, well,
this is perfect, Roy.
Now your gift to Joe can be
not showing up.
I think it'll be
his favorite.
Fay, you planned
this party so fast,
you and I
completely forgot.
We volunteered to man
the suicide hotline tonight.
Is that tonight?
Yes.
Well, uh, can't we just
leave the machine on?
Fay.
Well, no one ever calls.
Well, you don't have
to sound so disappointed.
Oh, all right.
I think it looks
like the big party
is just gonna be
you and Lowell
and Antonio.
Can you give me
that hotline number?
Why don't we just plan
the party for tomorrow night?
Is that all right?
In fact,
that'll be even better
because he'll never suspect it
the day after his birthday.
Right.
Uh, you know, Helen,
I hope it's not wrong,
but, um,
we spent so much time
training to work that hotline
and then you sit there
night after night,
and nobody ever calls
and it gets to be
kind of depressing.
I mean, I only want
to help someone.
Well, there's been
so many layoffs
and, you know,
the divorce rate is up.
It looks like
rain tonight.
You know,
you're right.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Oh, Gail,
your birthday present
came in the mail today.
Thank you so much.
I like it?
I love it.
Of all the things
you could've brought me
from Argentina,
nothing would've made me
happier than a gaucho hat.
No. I--I will cherish it.
Every time I look at it,
I'll think of you.
Yeah. Oh, oh, I wish
you could be here.
I found out
they're throwing me
a surprise party.
Yeah. I didn't want them
to go through all the trouble,
but now that they have,
it's kind of flattering.
Yeah, the only thing
I don't know is
how they're going
to spring it on me.
Excuse me, Joe...
Oh, sorry.
Hold on a second.
No, no, no. It's okay.
Listen, Gail, I got to go.
I'll call you back later,
okay?
Yeah, me, too.
Bye, bye.
Uh, Joe, were you serious
about not wanting to do
anything special
for your birthday tonight?
Yes, I was.
Oh, good.
Because Ed from
Ed's Freight and Storage
called
and he wants to know
if somebody can be here
about 8:00 tonight
to sign for a delivery.
It's probably those new seats
you ordered for the plane.
Well, can't he just
bring them in the morn...
Oh.
Tonight you say?
Really?
Isn't 8:00 a little late
for a delivery?
Well, uh, Ed's swamped,
and we're the last ones
on his list.
Oh, well, isn't Ed
the busy one?
Well, I would've asked
someone else,
but you're the only one
who can stay.
Everybody else
has plans.
Everybody?
What social butterflies.
All right, Fay.
I'll stay.
I got some paperwork
I can finish up
till Ed gets here.
Just hope Ed isn't
too late.
Good. I'll tell Ed
you're gonna be here.
(MAN WHISTLING)
(ENGINE RUNNING)
You Joe Hackett?
Yeah.
Ed, Ed's Freight
and Storage.
You're Ed? I didn't think
there was an Ed.
Well, there better be
or I've been getting up
at 5:00 in the morning
for the past 20 years
for nothing.
Go ahead, Skip,
set her down.
Down, down!
That's my sister's kid.
I'm teaching him the business.
He's a little thick.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey.
Anyway, the lady said
you'd be waiting.
Uh, told me to
give it to you,
nobody else.
Made a big deal
about it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Only me, huh?
(LAUGHING)
I get it.
I don't believe it.
(WHISPERING)
They're inside, right?
Of course.
What are they going to do?
Jump out and yell surprise?
(LAUGHS)
They're
airplane seats.
Yeah, right, Ed.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, you got
to sign for these, buddy.
Got to sign for 'em.
Nice touch.
(CHUCKLES)
So, uh, what
do you think, Ed?
This box might be a little
too strong for the crow bar.
Maybe I ought to get out
the blasting caps.
What,
are you nuts?
Oh. Oh, yeah,
you're right.
That might be
a little dangerous.
Maybe I should just
drop it off a cliff.
Cool. Hey, I know.
Let's burn the sucker!
What's going on here?
There's nothing in here
but airplane seats.
What'd you expect?
My friends,
wearing party hats.
(LAUGHING)
Come on, Skip.
Hey, dude, we could
still burn them.
Okay.
Thanks for the lift,
Antonio.
I can't believe
my damn car broke down.
A 15-year-old
El Camino
with a coat hanger
for an antenna.
Go figure.
Uh, scusi, Roy.
That will be $5.50.
You're gonna charge me?
(STUTTERING)
That wasn't a cab ride.
That was-- That was one friend
helping out another.
Right. For $5.50.
I was halfway
to the airport already.
You were gonna
come here, anyhow.
I see. So next time
I go to Boston,
since you fly
there anyway,
you will take me
there for free?
Tell you what, Curly.
Since you took me halfway,
I'll do the same for you.
Bring your water wings
and a set of flippers.
Next time I try
to run him down
like everybody else.
Uh, you know, Helen,
I've been meaning
to tell you.
This morning I met
the nicest man.
Ah. Okay.
That is it.
That is the fourth time
I've heard that today
and frankly I'm getting
a little sick of this!
Attention, everyone.
My name is Helen Chapel.
And, yes, my boyfriend
recently dumped me.
And, no, I haven't been
on a date since
and I am fine with that.
I'm single, unattached,
and I like it that way,
so please do not fix me up
with anyone.
Absolutely no one.
Thank you!
Does that answer
your question?
Well, actually, Helen,
what I was going to say
about that man
this morning,
he asked me out.
So I just made a complete ass
out of myself for no reason?
Oh, I don't know.
It's brought
a little smile to my face.
Hey, morning, bro.
Bite it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, uh, Joe.
Thanks for staying
last night.
Oh, hey,
no problem.
There's nothing I'd rather do
than hang around all night
waiting for a bunch
of airplane seats.
By the way, Fay's little
phoney-baloney phone call
about my birthday cake
worked like a charm.
Ha, ha! Big joke.
Happy birthday to me.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
If I'm not mistaken,
it's,
"Happy birthday to you."
Oh, no. He found out
about the party
but he didn't know
we'd changed the nights.
Oh, God.
Can you imagine how lousy
he must have felt?
This is so sad.
Poor guy.
It's a pretty
pitiful picture all right.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right,
all right.
But we have to do
something to make it
up to him.
Well, we are.
Remember we're throwing him
a party tonight.
Hey, look, I know
Hackett's a sap,
but how're you gonna
lure him to the party
after what happened
last night?
All right,
look, guys, guys.
Look, if we really want
to get Joe here,
there's no way
he's going to fall for just
any run-of-the-mill story.
This calls for
a masterpiece of BS.
I'm gonna go inside
that office,
pull on my hip waders,
shovel myself
a Mona Lisa.
Joe.
(SIGHING)
Your surprise party's tonight.
You got to show up.
Yeah, right, dipstick.
Like I'm gonna fall
for it twice.
No, no, no. It was
scheduled for last night,
but we had to
reschedule it for tonight.
So who's the dipstick now?
You still are.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But I think Lowell's gaining.
Seen that hat
he's been wearing?
Wait, wait a minute.
You really were planning
a surprise party?
Yes.
Oh, God.
I don't feel too stupid.
Well, then you're
not trying hard enough.
I better go out there
and apologize.
I'm sorry, man.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, listen.
Just turn up here at 8:00
and act surprised.
Yeah. All right.
Okay?
I'll be here. Thanks.
(EXCLAIMING)
You really went off
the deep end
on this one, eh, eh?
Oh, you don't know
the half of it.
When Ed showed up
with that big crate,
I had myself convinced
that you guys were
packed inside,
ready to jump out
and yell, "Surprise."
I think Ed's
afraid of me now.
A--A crate!
Isn't that
a little elaborate?
Well, I--I didn't know how far
you guys were planning
to go with my surprise.
Well, I'll tell you
how far.
The last suggestion was
Fay popping up from behind
your counter
with a sparkler
clenched in her teeth.
HELEN: Are you sure
this was such a good idea?
Helen, I'm telling you,
Joe thought we were gonna
do it last night.
He'll never suspect
that we're gonna do
it again tonight.
Did they really have
to nail this thing shut?
You know,
I'm claustrophobic.
Did I mention
that I'm claustrophobic?
Only about eight times.
Nine. I count nine.
Does claustrophobic mean
that you're afraid
of confined spaces,
or does it mean
that you sweat a lot?
Take your pick.
This is gonna be
so wonderful.
Imagine the look on Joe's face
when he opens the box.
And finds our lifeless bodies
with splinters under
our fingernails
where we tried
to claw our way out.
Well, I just wish he would
get this party going.
I've got a late
date tonight.
No, Helen, you don't have
to make up stories for us.
I'm not. I met him
at the terminal today.
He owns a body
and fender shop.
Gay. Definitely gay.
He is not.
Oh, grow up.
Auto repair?
It's a front.
I can't believe it, Gail.
They did it to me again.
Yeah, th-these people are
just jerking me around.
I guess I'm just
too trusting.
Is that a man's voice
I hear in the background?
Oh, oh, right.
Right, right. The TV.
(DOOR SLIDING OPEN)
Wait, hold on a second.
Something's happening.
Hold on.
Hey, Mr. Hackett.
Remember me?
Yeah, uh, Skip,
isn't it?
Isn't it what?
Never mind.
What can I do for you, Skip?
Oh, I got a box
out of the truck
you need to sign for.
Are you sure?
I'm not expecting anything.
Yeah.
Your brother came in
this afternoon
and set it all up.
Uh, what I mean is...
No, wait,
wait a minute.
Brian set it all up?
(LAUGHING)
I don't believe this.
(WHISPERING)
They're inside the box, right?
Uh, I'm not allowed to say.
Anyway,
if you sign the receipt,
I can go load up the forklift
and bring them on in.
I mean, it.
Bring it in.
There you go.
Thanks.
Hey, Gail, you are not
gonna believe this.
Tonight they really are
in a packing crate.
Yeah. I think
Helen's in there, too.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have to open it.
Yeah. All right.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Hey, Skip.
Turn around.
No, I mean,
the forklift.
Turn the forklift around!
Hey, we're moving.
He must be taking us
into the hangar.
Oh, this is gonna be
a great surprise.
Oh, I'm having
trouble breathing.
Is anybody else
having trouble breathing?
You know,
until this moment,
I never really understood
the phrase,
"The smell of fear."
For me this is bringing back
happy memories.
It's how me
and my five cousins
first came to America.
But that was
a small box.
At least in this one
you can go off by yourself.
It's getting a little
hot in here, isn't it?
No kidding.
I'm beginning to think
maybe cheese was
the wrong gift idea.
(GROANING)
I got an itch
on the back of my arm.
Roy, would you
scratch it for me, please?
Oh, all right, all right.
I'll try.
Hey! That's not Brian.
And that's not an arm.
Oh, what was it?
Never mind.
But if you touch it again,
you'll draw back
a bloody stump.
FAY: Be quiet.
(SHUSHING)
Here you go.
Skip, you might as well stick
around and have some cake.
Give me a hand here.
Ready?
What the hell is...
Uh-oh.
My uncle's
gonna kill me.
This box was supposed
to go to Boston.
Where's
the other one?
BRIAN: What the hell is he
waiting for, Christmas?
FAY: We'll be out of here
any minute now.
HELEN: I smell salt air.
Does anybody else
smell salt air?
(HORN BLARING)
LOWELL: Eight.
Nine.
Hey, uh, hello.
Ten.
Eleven.
I'm having soup here.
Sooner or later one of
you guys is gonna miss.
Then what?
The end of life
as we know it.
Hey, uh, come on, Lowell.
This is really making
me nervous.
Would you take that outside?
Okay.
But wouldn't playing catch
by myself basically just be
throwing the ball away?
All right, fine.
I'll leave.
This is a disaster
waiting to happen.
Oh, come on.
Would you just relax?
Joe,
can I...
Oh!
You got to smile
at the irony, Joe.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
Hi.
I need a one-way ticket
to Hyannis, please.
With pleasure.
Our normal fare is $60.
But we here at Aeromass
like to honor our troops
with a half price discount.
30 bucks? Great.
Appreciate it.
Why, Roy,
what a nice thing to do.
Well, it's just my little way
of saying thanks to our troops
for the job they did
over in Saddam's sandbox.
One-way ticket
to Hyannis, please.
That'll be $90.
Roy!
I got to make it
up somewhere.
If she wants
a better rate,
let her enlist.
Hey, Helen. How was
the date last night?
I don't want to ever
speak to you again
as long as I live.
Sounds like something
one of my dates would say.
Usually preceded by,
"Don't touch that."
How could you set me up
with such a weirdo?
What,
Red Hastings?
I thought you two would
have a lot in common.
Like what?
Well, you're
both desperate.
Do you have any idea
why they call him Red?
Oh, I get it.
You're turned off
by red hair?
No.
I like the hair.
I don't...
I even don't mind
the red car.
But the red shoes,
the red jacket,
the red shirt,
the red pants,
the red socks,
the red carpet,
the red couch,
the red cat.
Red cat?
He dyed it.
He dyed his cat!
Just take a wild guess
what movie we rented.
Blue Velvet.
Reds.
The man thinks
it's funny.
It is funny.
His name's Red.
I appreciate your trying
to get me into circulation
after Joe dumped me.
But from now on,
I'll take care
of my own love life.
Could've been worse.
His nickname could've
been Stinky.
Hey, look at this.
The new L. L. Bean
and J. Crew catalog
came on the same day.
Oh, I feel like stopping
what I'm doing
and writing down how I feel.
Hey, Helen.
Can I get a...
So I heard you went out
with Red Hastings last night.
And I had a lovely time,
thank you.
Okay, fine.
It just seemed like sort
of a weird choice to me.
I mean, he's got that thing
about the color red.
Oh, really?
I didn't notice.
(CHUCKLING)
I hear he's got red cats.
One! One red cat.
Can't a man have
one red cat?
You know, it's a sad day
in this country
when a man
with a simple,
little eccentricity
is labeled
the village idiot.
(GRUNTS)
Hear, hear.
Oh, uh,
look, as long as
everybody's here,
I--I'd just like
to say something.
I know what kind
of people you are
and I know you like
to make a big deal
about everyone's birthday,
but now that I'm firmly
entrenched in my 30s,
I prefer not to have
my birthday recognized.
I'd just like to let
this day slip by
like any other day.
No cards, no gifts,
no nothing.
And, uh, if any of you
were planning a party,
I don't want one.
Today is your birthday?
Well, yeah.
I thought
it was last week.
No. It's today.
But, uh, I'm serious.
I don't want you
to do anything.
Oh, let us do
a little something.
No. No.
I have reached the age
when your birthday doesn't
mean you're getting
a year older,
it means you're getting
a year closer to death.
Joe, you should not
feel that way.
You know what they say,
"Life is like a fine wine."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You get better with age.
Only up to a point.
Then you turn sour,
everything settles
to the bottom,
and they can't get
rid of you fast enough.
(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
Thank you.
Uh, did anybody else hear
what Joe just said?
Yeah, he doesn't
want a party.
Uh, uh, no, I mean,
really hear what he said.
He doesn't want a party
for his birthday?
I think what Joe's saying
is that he really would
like a party.
No. I was sitting
right there, Fay.
I know what I heard.
The point I'm laboring
to make is,
I think Joe would really
like to have a party.
You didn't hear the words
hearing aid from me.
Come on, let's do it up big
and have a real party.
Yeah. That sounds
pretty good, actually.
Yeah.
Why not?
Uh, let's see, uh...
Oh, we could do
a circus theme.
We could do
the terminal over
like a big top
and hang a trapeze
from the balcony,
sell cotton candy
and all dress up
in clown suits.
Too much?
Maybe a tad.
Um, surprise parties
are always nice.
I know it's really
short notice but I know
that Helen and I...
Helen, we could put
something together
for tonight.
I'm very excited.
I've already found
the perfect gift.
Twenty-four carat gold,
silk-lined,
hand-engraved
cigarette case.
Yeah, Antonio,
Joe doesn't smoke.
Well, I still have
a few hours left.
Maybe I'll find
something else
on the floor of my cab.
That's right. We want,
"Happy Birthday, Joe"
spelled out
in chocolate frosting.
Uh-huh.
We need it for tonight.
We're having
a surprise party
for him in the hangar.
Oh, oh, and, Thelma,
put a couple of clowns on top.
I'll take the heat.
Say, uh, Helen,
the buzz
around the airport is
that you're available
for discreet introductions.
Great. Now you're gonna try
to set me up with somebody.
Well, not just somebody.
It's my cousin Bevo.
Lowell, I'm really
not interested.
Thank you.
Well, I g-got his picture
right here in my pocket.
Lowell, I'm telling you,
I have no...
Whoa! Hunk a doodle doo.
Well, if that means
that you are interested,
I'm going to see him
at the hospital right now.
You're kidding.
He's a doctor?
No. He just hangs around
outside the pathology lab
to see if they throw out
anything that he can use.
Fay, uh, bad news.
They just called an emergency
town council meeting.
I--I can't make
Joe's party tonight.
Oh, well,
this is perfect, Roy.
Now your gift to Joe can be
not showing up.
I think it'll be
his favorite.
Fay, you planned
this party so fast,
you and I
completely forgot.
We volunteered to man
the suicide hotline tonight.
Is that tonight?
Yes.
Well, uh, can't we just
leave the machine on?
Fay.
Well, no one ever calls.
Well, you don't have
to sound so disappointed.
Oh, all right.
I think it looks
like the big party
is just gonna be
you and Lowell
and Antonio.
Can you give me
that hotline number?
Why don't we just plan
the party for tomorrow night?
Is that all right?
In fact,
that'll be even better
because he'll never suspect it
the day after his birthday.
Right.
Uh, you know, Helen,
I hope it's not wrong,
but, um,
we spent so much time
training to work that hotline
and then you sit there
night after night,
and nobody ever calls
and it gets to be
kind of depressing.
I mean, I only want
to help someone.
Well, there's been
so many layoffs
and, you know,
the divorce rate is up.
It looks like
rain tonight.
You know,
you're right.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Oh, Gail,
your birthday present
came in the mail today.
Thank you so much.
I like it?
I love it.
Of all the things
you could've brought me
from Argentina,
nothing would've made me
happier than a gaucho hat.
No. I--I will cherish it.
Every time I look at it,
I'll think of you.
Yeah. Oh, oh, I wish
you could be here.
I found out
they're throwing me
a surprise party.
Yeah. I didn't want them
to go through all the trouble,
but now that they have,
it's kind of flattering.
Yeah, the only thing
I don't know is
how they're going
to spring it on me.
Excuse me, Joe...
Oh, sorry.
Hold on a second.
No, no, no. It's okay.
Listen, Gail, I got to go.
I'll call you back later,
okay?
Yeah, me, too.
Bye, bye.
Uh, Joe, were you serious
about not wanting to do
anything special
for your birthday tonight?
Yes, I was.
Oh, good.
Because Ed from
Ed's Freight and Storage
called
and he wants to know
if somebody can be here
about 8:00 tonight
to sign for a delivery.
It's probably those new seats
you ordered for the plane.
Well, can't he just
bring them in the morn...
Oh.
Tonight you say?
Really?
Isn't 8:00 a little late
for a delivery?
Well, uh, Ed's swamped,
and we're the last ones
on his list.
Oh, well, isn't Ed
the busy one?
Well, I would've asked
someone else,
but you're the only one
who can stay.
Everybody else
has plans.
Everybody?
What social butterflies.
All right, Fay.
I'll stay.
I got some paperwork
I can finish up
till Ed gets here.
Just hope Ed isn't
too late.
Good. I'll tell Ed
you're gonna be here.
(MAN WHISTLING)
(ENGINE RUNNING)
You Joe Hackett?
Yeah.
Ed, Ed's Freight
and Storage.
You're Ed? I didn't think
there was an Ed.
Well, there better be
or I've been getting up
at 5:00 in the morning
for the past 20 years
for nothing.
Go ahead, Skip,
set her down.
Down, down!
That's my sister's kid.
I'm teaching him the business.
He's a little thick.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey.
Anyway, the lady said
you'd be waiting.
Uh, told me to
give it to you,
nobody else.
Made a big deal
about it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Only me, huh?
(LAUGHING)
I get it.
I don't believe it.
(WHISPERING)
They're inside, right?
Of course.
What are they going to do?
Jump out and yell surprise?
(LAUGHS)
They're
airplane seats.
Yeah, right, Ed.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, you got
to sign for these, buddy.
Got to sign for 'em.
Nice touch.
(CHUCKLES)
So, uh, what
do you think, Ed?
This box might be a little
too strong for the crow bar.
Maybe I ought to get out
the blasting caps.
What,
are you nuts?
Oh. Oh, yeah,
you're right.
That might be
a little dangerous.
Maybe I should just
drop it off a cliff.
Cool. Hey, I know.
Let's burn the sucker!
What's going on here?
There's nothing in here
but airplane seats.
What'd you expect?
My friends,
wearing party hats.
(LAUGHING)
Come on, Skip.
Hey, dude, we could
still burn them.
Okay.
Thanks for the lift,
Antonio.
I can't believe
my damn car broke down.
A 15-year-old
El Camino
with a coat hanger
for an antenna.
Go figure.
Uh, scusi, Roy.
That will be $5.50.
You're gonna charge me?
(STUTTERING)
That wasn't a cab ride.
That was-- That was one friend
helping out another.
Right. For $5.50.
I was halfway
to the airport already.
You were gonna
come here, anyhow.
I see. So next time
I go to Boston,
since you fly
there anyway,
you will take me
there for free?
Tell you what, Curly.
Since you took me halfway,
I'll do the same for you.
Bring your water wings
and a set of flippers.
Next time I try
to run him down
like everybody else.
Uh, you know, Helen,
I've been meaning
to tell you.
This morning I met
the nicest man.
Ah. Okay.
That is it.
That is the fourth time
I've heard that today
and frankly I'm getting
a little sick of this!
Attention, everyone.
My name is Helen Chapel.
And, yes, my boyfriend
recently dumped me.
And, no, I haven't been
on a date since
and I am fine with that.
I'm single, unattached,
and I like it that way,
so please do not fix me up
with anyone.
Absolutely no one.
Thank you!
Does that answer
your question?
Well, actually, Helen,
what I was going to say
about that man
this morning,
he asked me out.
So I just made a complete ass
out of myself for no reason?
Oh, I don't know.
It's brought
a little smile to my face.
Hey, morning, bro.
Bite it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, uh, Joe.
Thanks for staying
last night.
Oh, hey,
no problem.
There's nothing I'd rather do
than hang around all night
waiting for a bunch
of airplane seats.
By the way, Fay's little
phoney-baloney phone call
about my birthday cake
worked like a charm.
Ha, ha! Big joke.
Happy birthday to me.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
If I'm not mistaken,
it's,
"Happy birthday to you."
Oh, no. He found out
about the party
but he didn't know
we'd changed the nights.
Oh, God.
Can you imagine how lousy
he must have felt?
This is so sad.
Poor guy.
It's a pretty
pitiful picture all right.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right,
all right.
But we have to do
something to make it
up to him.
Well, we are.
Remember we're throwing him
a party tonight.
Hey, look, I know
Hackett's a sap,
but how're you gonna
lure him to the party
after what happened
last night?
All right,
look, guys, guys.
Look, if we really want
to get Joe here,
there's no way
he's going to fall for just
any run-of-the-mill story.
This calls for
a masterpiece of BS.
I'm gonna go inside
that office,
pull on my hip waders,
shovel myself
a Mona Lisa.
Joe.
(SIGHING)
Your surprise party's tonight.
You got to show up.
Yeah, right, dipstick.
Like I'm gonna fall
for it twice.
No, no, no. It was
scheduled for last night,
but we had to
reschedule it for tonight.
So who's the dipstick now?
You still are.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But I think Lowell's gaining.
Seen that hat
he's been wearing?
Wait, wait a minute.
You really were planning
a surprise party?
Yes.
Oh, God.
I don't feel too stupid.
Well, then you're
not trying hard enough.
I better go out there
and apologize.
I'm sorry, man.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, listen.
Just turn up here at 8:00
and act surprised.
Yeah. All right.
Okay?
I'll be here. Thanks.
(EXCLAIMING)
You really went off
the deep end
on this one, eh, eh?
Oh, you don't know
the half of it.
When Ed showed up
with that big crate,
I had myself convinced
that you guys were
packed inside,
ready to jump out
and yell, "Surprise."
I think Ed's
afraid of me now.
A--A crate!
Isn't that
a little elaborate?
Well, I--I didn't know how far
you guys were planning
to go with my surprise.
Well, I'll tell you
how far.
The last suggestion was
Fay popping up from behind
your counter
with a sparkler
clenched in her teeth.
HELEN: Are you sure
this was such a good idea?
Helen, I'm telling you,
Joe thought we were gonna
do it last night.
He'll never suspect
that we're gonna do
it again tonight.
Did they really have
to nail this thing shut?
You know,
I'm claustrophobic.
Did I mention
that I'm claustrophobic?
Only about eight times.
Nine. I count nine.
Does claustrophobic mean
that you're afraid
of confined spaces,
or does it mean
that you sweat a lot?
Take your pick.
This is gonna be
so wonderful.
Imagine the look on Joe's face
when he opens the box.
And finds our lifeless bodies
with splinters under
our fingernails
where we tried
to claw our way out.
Well, I just wish he would
get this party going.
I've got a late
date tonight.
No, Helen, you don't have
to make up stories for us.
I'm not. I met him
at the terminal today.
He owns a body
and fender shop.
Gay. Definitely gay.
He is not.
Oh, grow up.
Auto repair?
It's a front.
I can't believe it, Gail.
They did it to me again.
Yeah, th-these people are
just jerking me around.
I guess I'm just
too trusting.
Is that a man's voice
I hear in the background?
Oh, oh, right.
Right, right. The TV.
(DOOR SLIDING OPEN)
Wait, hold on a second.
Something's happening.
Hold on.
Hey, Mr. Hackett.
Remember me?
Yeah, uh, Skip,
isn't it?
Isn't it what?
Never mind.
What can I do for you, Skip?
Oh, I got a box
out of the truck
you need to sign for.
Are you sure?
I'm not expecting anything.
Yeah.
Your brother came in
this afternoon
and set it all up.
Uh, what I mean is...
No, wait,
wait a minute.
Brian set it all up?
(LAUGHING)
I don't believe this.
(WHISPERING)
They're inside the box, right?
Uh, I'm not allowed to say.
Anyway,
if you sign the receipt,
I can go load up the forklift
and bring them on in.
I mean, it.
Bring it in.
There you go.
Thanks.
Hey, Gail, you are not
gonna believe this.
Tonight they really are
in a packing crate.
Yeah. I think
Helen's in there, too.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have to open it.
Yeah. All right.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Hey, Skip.
Turn around.
No, I mean,
the forklift.
Turn the forklift around!
Hey, we're moving.
He must be taking us
into the hangar.
Oh, this is gonna be
a great surprise.
Oh, I'm having
trouble breathing.
Is anybody else
having trouble breathing?
You know,
until this moment,
I never really understood
the phrase,
"The smell of fear."
For me this is bringing back
happy memories.
It's how me
and my five cousins
first came to America.
But that was
a small box.
At least in this one
you can go off by yourself.
It's getting a little
hot in here, isn't it?
No kidding.
I'm beginning to think
maybe cheese was
the wrong gift idea.
(GROANING)
I got an itch
on the back of my arm.
Roy, would you
scratch it for me, please?
Oh, all right, all right.
I'll try.
Hey! That's not Brian.
And that's not an arm.
Oh, what was it?
Never mind.
But if you touch it again,
you'll draw back
a bloody stump.
FAY: Be quiet.
(SHUSHING)
Here you go.
Skip, you might as well stick
around and have some cake.
Give me a hand here.
Ready?
What the hell is...
Uh-oh.
My uncle's
gonna kill me.
This box was supposed
to go to Boston.
Where's
the other one?
BRIAN: What the hell is he
waiting for, Christmas?
FAY: We'll be out of here
any minute now.
HELEN: I smell salt air.
Does anybody else
smell salt air?
(HORN BLARING)