Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 21 - Say It Ain't So, Joe - full transcript

Oh, Roy, could you please
watch the counter
for me for a minute?

I left my purse in the car.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, yeah, I know
it's five dollars a minute

and yes, my parents
know I'm doing it.

Now, let me speak
to Charisse.

Oh, damn, hold--hold on.

Yes, sir, may I help you?

Hello.

This is Lowell. Who's this?

I'm wearing coveralls.



What are you wearing?

Well,
it's supposed to get down
into the thirties tonight.

Is that thing lined?

You want to do what?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lowell.
Is that for me?

Oh, uh, I don't think so.

Could you hold on
just a second?

Fay, I think I'm gonna
finish this phone call
in Joe's office.

Helen, did you read
about the Sconset High
game last night?

Ha! Hear about it?
I was there.
It was incredible.

Ty Warner had 18 strikeouts.

Don't you people have
anything better to do than
spend your time watching

rinky-dink high school
baseball games?

Hey, Roy, this--this kid
is actually pretty good.



although 18 strikeouts
doesn't beat your performance

on that singles cruise
you took last year.

Yeah, Ty's really closing in
on Joe's old record, boy.

Yeah. How's Joe taking it?

Much too well. Much too well.

Every time I bring up
the possibility of his record
being broken,

he just shrugs it off.
Hmm.

He's calm, disinterested,
totally unconcerned.

My guess is it's killing him.

HELEN: Good morning, Joe.
Hey, Joey, Joey.
Hey, hey, hey.

Did you hear Ty Warner had
a hell of a game last night,
boy.

Yeah, I read about that.
Good for him.

You know, Ty only needs
six more strikeouts
and he's gonna pass you up.

Yeah. I heard. Shoot!
Boy, that kid is
a hell of a pitcher.

You know,
that's not the best part.
He's not just an athlete.

He makes straight A's.
He's president
of the student council.

And he runs the local chapter
of Meals on Wheels.

Joey, says here that
they clocked his fastball
at 90 miles an hour.

Uh-huh.
Yeah.

They say his curve ball
practically drops
off the end of a table.

Yep.

I don't think you understand
how the needling
process works, Joe.

See, you have to act bothered
or else it's no fun for us.

What do you want me to say,
Brian? Losing the record
bothers me?

Okay, it bothers me.
Case closed, chapter over.

Now let's just
be done with it.

Hey, hey, relax, relax.
Records were made
to be broken.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for coming up
with the perfect cliche
for the situation.

So, w-what are you saying?
All's well that ends well?

Is there a light
at the end of the tunnel?

Does this cloud have
a silver lining?

I don't know, Joe.
Only time will tell.

That's how the needling
process works.

Uh, Lowell.

Oh, hi, Fay, what's up?

It's about the work you did
on my Record-a-Book project
for the Senior Center.

I'm afraid I have a problem
with A Tale of Two Cities.

Ah, I know what you mean.
Yeah, this Dickens guy
is no Danielle Steele.

Lowell, my problem is
not with the book.

My problem is with
the way you read it.

LOWELL: If Sidney Carton
never shone anywhere

he certainly never
shone in the house
of Doctor Manette.

He'd been there often,
during a whole year,

and had always been the same,
moody and morose.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, hey, Fred.

Bowling?
Huh, I wish I could.

I gotta stay home
and finish reading
this dumb book.

Yeah, Fay's been
hounding me about it.

I swear the woman's
like a blue jay

buzzing around your head,
"Read the book. Read the book.
Read the book."

Hey, you don't think
that was about you, do you?

Awfully sensitive.

You're the one who's saying
all these things about me

and you think I'm the one
who's sensitive?

I was talking about
the microphone.

You. Where's Joe Hackett?

Oh, his office is--
is right over there.

Hey, Coach, Coach Snyder,
aren't you gonna
say hello to me?

Who the hell are you?

Brian Hackett.
I'm Joe's brother.

I played for you at Sconset.

Oh, yeah.
I didn't recognize you.

You're not sitting
at the end of a bench.

Well, hey,
that was your fault.

I mean, I was a pretty
damn good catcher.

You were an idiot.

Running up and down
the dugout with your cup
over your face

pretending it was
a gas mask.

Just trying to keep
the team loose.

Yeah, yeah,
Mr. Ben-Gay-in-the-shorts,
Mr. Towel-snapper.

If I had my way,
guys like you
would be in jail.

Hey, hey, Coach Snyder.
What a surprise.
What brings you down here?

Hackett. You're looking good.
A little soft in the middle,
though.

You'd better drop
and give me 50.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, so, uh,
what's new coach?

Well, Joe, I don't know
if you've heard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know,
I know my record.

Well, actually I was gonna
tell you they split me open
and stuck in a pacemaker.

Jeez, I'm sorry.
You all right?

Oh yeah, I'm fine just as
long as there's no...

Hey! Don't touch
that microwave.

It's a toaster oven.

Oh. Well, in that case,
toots, toss in a bagel.

And don't be stingy
with the cream cheese.

Coach, you're still smoking?

Oh, I cut down to
two packs a day.

That lung I had removed
scared the hell out of me.

But the important thing is
the old noodle's
still working.

Hey, toots, toss in a bagel,
and don't be stingy
with the cream cheese.

Listen, Hackett, there's
somebody I want you to meet.

Ty. Ty, boy.
Get your butt in here.

I told you to stay
right with me.
Now drop and give me 50.

Relax, I'm just kidding.

Sorry, Coach. I was
helping an older gentleman
with his luggage.

The kid's a pisser.

Ty Warner, I want you
to meet Joe Hackett.

You're shaking hands
with the strongest right arm
this island's ever seen.

Aw, gee, Coach,
I don't know...

Not you. I'm talking
about my boy here.

He's just what I'd want
if I had a son of my own,

which, of course,
everyone knows
is medically impossible.

But that doesn't make me
any less of a man.

No. No, no, of course not.

Boy, it's really
an honor to meet you,
Mr. Hackett, sir.

You know, I saw you play once.
Oh, really?

Well, that's what
my mom told me.

I was only three years old.
I didn't start remembering
stuff until I was about four.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, too.

Well, look who's here.

Oh, hi, Ms. Chapel.
Hi, Ty.

Hey, will you give us
a minute here, Ty?
Sure thing, Coach.

Here, Ms. Chapel, let me
give you a hand with this.

Well, thank you.

Wow, that's a pretty outfit.

I can't imagine anything
looking bad on you.

Ty, have you ever
seen a movie called
The Graduate?

There you go. I'm sorry,
Coach. Now, what was it
you wanted?

Hackett, I need a favor.
Our last game is this Friday
against Chatham.

I'd like you to fly us
over in your plane.

My plane's not big enough
for the whole team.

Team? Forget the team.
Those duds can take the ferry.

I'm just talking about me,
Ty and maybe a couple of
photographers.

See, I'm bringing
the press along

so I can get a picture
of the old record-holder

and the new record-holder
together.

And right in between them,
the man who coached them
to greatness.

Coach, aren't you getting
a little ahead of yourself?

He doesn't have
the record yet. I mean,

even I had games
where I didn't get
six strikeouts.

Hackett, you were
a hustling ballplayer,

a solid pitcher,
a good guy.

But you couldn't carry
this kid's jock strap.

Coach, I...
Listen, Hackett

I've got pro scouts sniffing
around telling me he's gonna
be the next Roger Clemens.

Well, look, I'd love
to help you out, Coach,
but I've got...

Listen. I've been at that
school for 30 years.

I'm sick of teaching English.
I just ain't got the stomach
for it no more.

Did I tell you I had
this much of my
lower intestine removed?

No, I would have
remembered that.

Uh, look Coach, I--I still
don't think I can make it...

Listen, this is the kid
who's gonna take me
to the big leagues.

He's my gravy train,
my meal ticket,
my stepping stone.

Okay, Coach, listen,
I--I'd love to but I...

What is it with you?
Is it "Me, me, me"
all the time?

Now, are you gonna
help your old coach
or aren't you?

All right. All right.
All right. I'll fly
the kid to Chatham.

All right, good,
that's better.

When we get back
I'll buy you a beer.
I'd have one myself but...

Whoa, whoa, let me guess.
Bad liver?

No, I'm a Mormon.

Thanks again for the milk,
Ms. Chapel.
Sure.

Are you sure I can't
pay you for it?

Oh, your money's
no good here.
Coach, here's your bagel.

Bagel?
I didn't order any bagel.
Screwy dame, huh?

Oh, Helen, you're pathetic.
What?

You're practically drooling
after that young punk.
Oh, stop it. I am not.

Oh, yeah, I see the way
you're looking at him.

17 years old, perfect body,
at his sexual peak.

Hmm. I've got news
for you, sweet cakes.

I can do anything in a bedroom
that that kid can do.

Except get someone
to join you.

(CHOKING)

I'm just speaking
hypothetically here,

but I mean, it's not beyond
the realms of possibility.

I'm just 12 years
older than Ty.
That's no big deal.

I mean, if I were 62
and he were 50,
no one would even care.

Helen, he's only 17.
He's still in high school.

He's a senior.

Well, he's very mature
for his age.

Oh, God, Joe.
I just can't talk to you.

Mr. Hackett, is this
a Cessna 402?

Yes, it is.

I think this is the same kind
of plane we used
when my church group

airlifted supplies
to the hurricane victims
in North Carolina.

Well, well, you sure
keep busy, don't you?

I try to do what I can.

Listen, Mr. Hackett,
I just wanted to thank you

for taking the time
to be a part of the official
ceremony and everything.

Ceremony?

It really means a lot to me.

Coach Snyder.

Hmm?

Ty just mentioned something
about a ceremony.

Oh, yeah. It's going
to be beautiful.

You see, as soon as
Ty breaks the record,

the band's going to march out
on the field and spell "Joe."

And then the brass section
will come on out

and they'll make a big "x"
through your name, regroup,
and then spell "Ty."

And then the fireworks
will go off,

then you'll ride out
to the mound on Esther,
the Marching Mule.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
You want me to ride
on a mule?

Well, sure.
That's when you'll give Ty
the keys to his new Camaro.

He gets a Camaro?
When I broke the record
I got a milkshake.

So, what's your point?

Did you know about this?
Yeah.

The Boosters asked me
to make matching hats for you
and the mule.

Ah, as fun as that sounds,
it might not make
any difference.

Have you looked
below us lately?

Mmm-hmm.
It's a little cloudy,
so what?

No-no. It's not clouds,
that's fog. I don't know
if I can land.

Oh, please. You can land.
What's going on?

Well, we're socked in.
I can't see the field.

Landing could be
very dangerous.

Well, you're still gonna
land anyway, aren't you?
Well, I don't know.

Come on, Joe.
I've seen you land in fog
a lot worse than this.

I don't know, Ms. Chapel.
It does look bad.

You're right, Ty.
I'm scared. Hold me.

Chatham Tower. This is
Nevada-121-poppa-poppa.

We're on final approach
and can't make visual contact.
Are we clear to land? Over.

TOWER:
Nevada-121-poppa-poppa.

I can't get a visual
on you either.

The ceiling is obscured.
Proceed at your own risk.
It's your call.

Now you heard him.
You can do
whatever you want.

Now put the damn plane
on the ground.

This is the last game
of the season.

It's Ty's last chance
to break the record.

Boy, a lot of people
would sure be disappointed
if I missed it.

HELEN: Come on, Joe.
SNYDER: Come on, Hackett,
just do it.

Put the damn plane
on the ground.

(ALL CLAMORING)

All right! All right!
All right!

I am the pilot.
I'm going to make
the decisions.

Everyone just sit down
and shut up.

You know, Mr. Hackett,
when I'm faced
with a difficult decision,

I often find the answer
in prayer.

Uh, Fay.

Look, I know you're still
upset with me,

but I've got something
here I'd really like you
to listen to.

I took another stab at
Tale of Two Cities.

You know, maybe you could
give it a whirl and tell me
what you think.

I've heard enough already.
"Read the book. Read the book.
Read the book."

Well, I tell you what.
I'm just gonna put
the tape in and start it,

all you have to do is listen.

LOWEL: "The chateau was left
to itself to flame and burn.

"In the roaring and raging
of the conflagration."

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Hi, Lowell.
What're you doing?

Oh, hi, Hank.

I'm just reading a book
for my good friend, Fay.

Oh, forget that and
let's go out drinking
and chasing women.

Gosh. I'd love to,
but I can't let Fay down.
She's too good a friend.

Well, goodbye, Hank.
I mean Lowell.

I mean Lowell.

Wow. I am so embarrassed.
I did not know
the tape was running.

Well, if this is meant
to be some sort of apology,
Lowell. I accept.

'Cause, you know, this "Hank"

sounds suspiciously like
someone who's been calling
the counter

and asking me to page
Mr. Frank Furter.

True, he's a man
with many problems.

And currently undergoing
intense psychotherapy
with Dr. Seymour Butts.

Quick. Somebody help me.
I've got to get this boy
to Chatham now.

W-what are you guys
doing back?

Well, your bozo brother
was too chicken to land.

It was too foggy.
I couldn't land.

Oh, for the love of...
The game's already started.

Well, maybe Ty
can catch the ferry.

Oh, that'd take too long.

Why is everyone
standing around?
We got to get him there now.

I'll fly you to that game.

Roy, I was up there.
There's no visibility.

Hey, if there's
any way to get him there,
my pilots will do it.

Go fire up that twin.
Come on. Right this way.

Finally. An airline
with some cojones.

Not that that always matters,
though, you know, because
sometimes... aw...

It's totally socked in
up there.

Hey, hey, hey, if you say
you couldn't land,
you couldn't land.

You're darn right
I couldn't. Helen, Helen,
you were up there. Tell 'em.

Helen? Helen, tell them
I couldn't land.

Hey, if you say so.

What do you mean,
"If I say so?"
What's that supposed to mean?

Well, all I know is that
I've seen you land in weather
a lot worse than that, Joe.

Hey. I assessed the situation
and I acted totally within
standard safety guidelines.

What? All of a sudden
you know more about flying
than I do?

Okay, I'll be totally honest
with you, Joe.

I think you're trying
to protect your precious
little record.

You are out of your mind.
Of course, everyone already
knows that.

The spectacle you've
been making out of yourself
chasing after that child.

Oh, please, give me a break.

I just try to show a little
community spirit

and you turn it
into something ugly.

I tell you, the only thing
childish is you.

Turning around a whole plane
just to protect
your fragile male ego.

I cannot believe
you would accuse me of
something like this

after knowing me
all these years.

H-how could you think
I'd do that?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Sandpiper.

No, Lowell, I will not page
Mr. R. M. Pitts.

Hi, Joe. Can I come in?

I'm kind of busy.

What are you busy doing?

I'm just busy, that's all.

Look, um, about before,

I guess I just got caught up
in the excitement of the game
and everything.

I shouldn't have
attacked you.
I should have defended you.

I mean, if you said it was
too foggy to land, it was.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well. I said some things
I shouldn't have, too.

What are you looking
at the old yearbook for?

Aw, just looking at
the old team picture.

Oh, you were so young.

You know you actually look
a lot like Ty there,

except, you know,
he's a little taller.

Got a little
broader shoulders

and where his thigh meets
his butt, his pinstripes
sort of bulge out into...

Oh, for God's sake,
Helen, go home
and take a cold shower.

I'll just leave you alone.

You know, I keep going over
that approach in my mind.

I'm not sure there isn't
a little truth
in what you said.

What do you mean?

Well, part of me keeps
thinking that maybe,
without even realizing it,

I didn't want to land
because I didn't want
to lose my record.

It's like,
I'm 99 percent sure that
I acted responsibly.

But there's
a nagging one percent
that just doesn't know.

Hey, you're human.
I mean, everybody
lives with doubts.

At least you've got it
narrowed down
to one per cent.

Well, what if I told you
it was more like

five percent doubt
and only 95 percent sure?

Hey, what's the difference?
You're mostly sure.

Yeah, I guess.

But, if I'm totally honest,
it's more like 80-20.

Make that 75-25.

73-27.

Joe, do you always break down
your feelings like this?

No. Maybe 20 percent
of the time.

You know, until two days ago
you never even mentioned
this record.

I mean, what is so important
about this?

I don't know, I--I guess that

as long as I hold the record,
a part of me is still 17.

But when that record goes
I've got to come to terms

with the fact that
I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm a guy in his thirties
who hasn't exactly
set the world on fire.

It's pretty stupid, huh?

No. Maybe five percent.

The team's back.
Ty made it to the game.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Sounds like he got
the record.

Yeah. Afraid so.
He showed up
for the last two innings,

struck out all six
batters he faced

and hit the game-winning
home run.

Whoo! All right.

I'm sure his parents
will be pleased.

Boy, I can't imagine
a kid having a better game
than that.

Well, let me help you.

He also dove into the stands
to stop a foul ball from
hitting a pregnant woman.

You know,
and this has nothing
to do with my record,

but is this kid a little
too good to be true?

I mean, is there anything
he's not good at?

I don't know, I heard that
he tried to give his invalid
grandmother a perm

and that didn't work out
so well.

There you have it.
Kid's a loser.

Yeah. You're grabbing
at straws, Joe.

You know what I remember
most about the day
I broke the record?

What?

When I broke it,
they trotted out
this old guy,

the previous record-holder,
to shake my hand.

Yeah, I remember that guy.
What an old geezer.

He was two years younger
than I am right now.

Say, Pops, I need
your help with something.
What?

Just--just come on.
Need your help.

(GROANING)

Oh, did you hear that?

I just made
the old man noise.

I'm starting to sound
like Uncle Ned.

Well, strap on your truss
and shuffle on out here.

What are you doing?

Well.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on, just playing
a little catch. Come on.

Brian, we haven't played
catch in 10 years.

And darn it, isn't that
long enough?

Come on, Brian,
we're not 17 anymore.

Hey, I can still do everything
I did when I was 17.

Just can't do it as often.
Now come on, throw it.
Throw it.

Look. I know
what you're trying to do.
It's not going to work.

I'm not trying to do anything.
We're just playing some catch
is all.

Just keep loose.
Don't overthrow.

Brian, you know I'm not
in the mood for this.

That's it. That's it.
Nice and easy. Nice and easy.
Yeah. You the man.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
That's it. Just playing catch.
No sweat.

Ow! That stung.
Handful of bees, babe.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Now, come on.
Now, come on,
do--do--do a couple more.

Put a little mustard
on it, huh? Huh?
Give me some heat.

You want some heat?

Yeah, give me some heat.

Oh, no. I haven't thrown
like that in a long time.

I'm not gonna give you
éthe heat.

I want to see,
I want to see some heat.

You want the heat?
What am I talking about?

You want the heat?
Yeah, I want it...

That's what you want?
You want the heat?
Yeah.

Okay, you asked for it.

Oh, okay, one Hackett Express
coming on track number one.

Are you ready for this?
Uh, what does this mean?

You're sure you're ready?
Yeah, let's go.

You're ready. All right.
Yeah. I'm sure.

Okay, here comes
the smoke.
Okay.

(MOANING)

(YELLING IN PAIN)

What's going on?

(BOTH YELLING IN PAIN)