Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Bank Dick - full transcript

Here you go.
One Hungry Man's Breakfast
hot off the griddle.

Ah, thanks. Looks terrific.

I'm starving.

Attention, please.

This is the first
and final boarding call
for Aeromass,

Flight 19 to Boston.

Aw, jeez!

I repeat,

this is the final
boarding call.

Why does this always
happen to me?

Have a nice flight.



Yeah, right.

Thank you for
flying Aeromass.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

(CHORTLES)

Oh, good, you're here.
Brian's due from
Barbuda any minute.

Gee, too bad we didn't
organize a parade for him.

Oh, I didn't think it was
necessary but I could still
make a couple of quick calls.

Fay, I was being sarcastic.

So was I.
I'm just not very good at it.

Hey, he got a tax refund.

So he's out
having a vacation,
having a good time.

What's the big deal?
I'll tell you
what the big deal is.

He had a chance
to get ahead in life,

to put a little money aside
and make a little nest egg,



but instead
he blew the entire thing

on pina coladas
and cocoa butter rubdowns.

Well, if I'd gotten
a $5,000 windfall,

I'd be in Barbuda doing
the exact same thing as Brian.

Only, you know, sober,
with my clothes on.

Oh, Barbuda.
What a heavenly island.

I went there once
as a stewardess.

Oh, yeah?

I still remember Irmo,
the pool boy. He gave
the most divine backrubs.

The secret was his thumbs.
They were over
six inches long.

He could palm a basketball
and suck his thumb
at the same time.

He didn't,
but he could have.

Oh, this is good.
This is good.

Take a picture of me here,
in the airport,
where my journey begins.

What are you talking about?
What journey?

Well, I'm going home
to Italy to see my family.

I want to show them
pictures of my life
here in America.

Lowell, how many shots
do we have left?

Oh, just one.

Ah, good.
Then we can get one of me
surrounded by my friends.

Charming fellow.
That's really sweet of you.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Oh, uh, Roy.
Huh?

Not there.

Oh. Oh. Here.

Roy.
Huh?

Not there, either.

Hey, fine.
I was just trying to
class up your picture.

Me, too.

LOWELL: All right, uh,
just about ready.

Huh? I can't seem to get
the flash to work here.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Well, I think
that's a keeper.

Greetings, everyone!

Brian!

Hey! Or as they say
in the islands,

"Naka tikki, waku waku."

What does that mean?

That's gibberish.

You know, what do you
expect from those people

who sit in the hot sun
all day drinking rum?

Speaking of which,
look what I got for you guys.

Wow.
1688?

Where'd you get this?

Sunken pirate ship.

Cost me an arm and a leg
but nothing's too good
for my friends.

Whoa!
What are you waiting for,
Lowell? Just crack her open.

I want you all to pour drinks,
celebrate my homecoming.

Roy.

Uh, I don't know why,
but for some reason,
I saw this and thought of you.

Thanks, Hackett.

With any luck,
this isn't the only thing
you caught in the islands.

Oh, hey, Fay, Fay, Fay.
Um, Irmo sends his regards
and also he says...

Uh, I saved all your
mail for you, Brian.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Hey, this is not bad.
Those pirates knew
how to live.

HELEN: Delicious.

(GROANING)

What, Brian?
What's wrong?

Yeah, the refund was an error.

The IRS want
their $5000 back.

They can't do that.
Can they do that?

They're the government.
They can do
anything they want.

(MOANING)

Oh, Bri,
why do bad things always
happen to good people?

What am I gonna do?

Listen, listen, Hackett,

you want to fight this
IRS thing, I'll send
you to my tax lawyer.

He knows every loophole
there is and he's not
afraid to use them.

Oh, that's worth a shot.
Give me his number.

Well, he's not allowed
phone calls,

but you can visit him
on Fridays
between 2:00 and 5:00.

Say, Joe, I don't suppose
that you could possibly...

No, is it possible...
No, no. Not a chance.

You got yourself into this.

You could've been
a little more sensible,
but you blew it.

I mean, you know, I would
like to take my life's savings
and do something crazy, too.

I'd like to go out
and buy a Ferrari.
But I don't, and you know why?

Because they don't
make them in brown?

Hey, Joe, I just wanted
to tell you that I have
a dentist appointment

on Tuesday morning,
but, um, I should be ready
to go around 11:00.

Uh, Helen, Helen,
I don't know what
you're talking about,

but, uh, I'm busy Tuesday.
I'm going to opening day
at Fenway.

Well, of course you are.
We're going together,
remember?

No, we're not.
I'm taking Nancy Fletcher.

Joe, you've obviously
forgotten something.
I gave you those tickets.

As a gift.

And...

And... Thank you.

No. And we're going together.

Oh, yeah, I see where
you're confused.

You see, you see,
when you gave me
those tickets,

we were boyfriend
and girlfriend.

So?

Well, you see,
when you're boyfriend
and girlfriend,

you're like at this level
here, let's call it Level One.

And when you get tickets
at Level One,
then you take the girlfriend.

But when you and I
stopped being
boyfriend and girlfriend,

well, then you fell
down here to Level Two,

the "Just friends" level.

Which means I can pick
whoever I want
from Level Two

and bring them up here with me
and the tickets.

And, uh,
I picked Nancy Fletcher.

Well, come down here
to Level Two for a second

and let me tell you
how this thing shakes out.

We have box seats,
opening day
at Fenway Park,

right behind
the Red Sox dugout,

so close to Roger Clemens
that his sweat is gonna
spray on my Fenway frank.

So there is no way that
you are gonna waste
those tickets on some chick

that doesn't know
the difference between
first base and third base.

Trust me,
she knows the difference.

Fay, if you don't mind,
I would like to leave
my luggage here now.

Well, fine,
but your flight to Boston
isn't until late this evening.

And your connecting flight
to Italy isn't until midnight.

I know, but I don't
want to take any chances.

I hate to miss planes.

You're just like
my second husband.

He was a fanatic
about being early.

Whenever we had
to take a flight,

he'd make me
pack three days in advance.

He'd set the alarm
for 5:00 a.m.

He'd get us to the airport
hours before
we had to be there.

It still gives me a giggle
whenever I refer to him
as my "late" husband.

Tell me, do you know
where I can get
traveler's checks?

Uh, why don't you
go see Brian?

What does Brian
have to do with
traveler's checks?

Well, he called
a little while earlier.

Apparently, he got
a part-time job with the bank,
so he can pay back the IRS.

I... You see, I knew. What did
I tell you? That guy
always lands on his feet.

Anyone else forced
to take a second job would
wind up digging ditches

or pumping gas.
But not my brother. No.

Mr. Lucky gets some
cushy job down at the bank.
Can you stand it?

(ROY CHORTLING)

Barely.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Barney Fife.

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

Okay, Roy.

Yeah, first thing tomorrow,

I'm gonna transfer
all my money into your bank
so I can sleep at night.

That's great.

Uh, look, uh,
because of my new job,

I need your help
sorting something out.

Oh, well, sure,
Officer Hackett.

The, uh, glazed ones
are round and shiny

and the crullers
are long and twisted.

No, I meant
sorting out my schedule.

Okay, the bank just
gave me my new hours.

So, from now on,
I can only take the night
and early morning flights.

You'll have to
take all the rest.

I knew it. I knew
this would happen.

I knew that somehow
your problem would
become my problem, and it did.

It's not like I had
a lot of options, okay?

The only other offer
I had was to stand
in front of Rico's Fish Hut

dressed in an oyster suit
and get shucked every time
a tour bus came by.

Oh, I had that job
last summer.

The kids pelted me
with oyster crackers and,
uh, threw me off the pier.

(SIGHS)

Pow!

What you, uh, what you
staring at, mister?

Me?
Yeah.

Uh, nothing.

I believe you're waiting
for the next available window.
Is that affirmative?

Uh, yes.

What's that look like
to you, the monkey house?

Hey, Brian.
Oh, what is this, huh?

You're all out on a little
field trip to have a hearty
laugh at my expense?

No, Brian. I came here
to get traveler's checks
for my trip to Italy.

I just came to make a deposit.

And I'm here to...
What's my excuse again?

Fine.
You can laugh all you want.
Just keep the line moving.

Uh, Brian, as long as
I'm here, would you mind
opening the vault

so I can look at
all the money?

Afraid not, Lowell.
They didn't give me
the keys to the vault.

Well, what are all
those keys for?

Actually,
these are some spares
I brought from home.

They make a really
neat jangling sound
when I hitch up my belt.

Cool.

Oh, oh, oh.
What is this? Oh.

Oh, it's my supportive
older brother come down
to laugh at me, too?

I'm sorry, strange-looking
bank guard. Do I know you?

So did you break it to Nancy
that she won't be going
to the game?

Uh, yes, see, Helen, I need
to talk to you about that...
I'm going to that game.

Yes, you are.

I got you a seat.

Don't even ask me
how much it cost.

Just--Just take it and enjoy.
Here.

I don't need you
to buy me a ticket.

I already have a ticket.

Come on, Helen,
just take the ticket.

That way we can
all go to the game
and everybody's happy.

Section 52, row P,
seat 12...

Obsvu.
What does "Obsvu" mean?

Uh, I think that's, uh,
Latin for excellent seat.

Does it say that
on your ticket?
Yeah, of course, it does.

"Obsvu"?
That means
"obstructed view."

You're better off
watching it on TV.

Why don't you
just move along, pal?
There's a teller open.

I buy you seats
behind the dugout

and you expect me
to sit behind a post?

Yeah, you can
forget this, buddy.

I have no idea
if the guy who
invented the billy club

is the same guy
who invented the Tommy gun.

Do you think
he had anything to do
with the bobby pin?

Freeze!
Everybody kiss the floor!
Down, now. Everybody!

Oh, God.

Oh. Dear Lord.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it, Brian.

I dreamed about this
and it came true.

What, you--you mean
you dreamed about
a bank robbery?

No, I dreamt I met Nixon.

You, in the uniform,
am I gonna have
any trouble with you?

Why--Why would you?
I'm just a-- just
a school bus driver.

Yeah, where are
those kids anyway?
I've got to get out of here.

Hold it!

Bus driver, huh?
How do you explain this?

Very tough school.
Kiss the floor!

Puckering.
Puckering away, sir.

Can you believe I lost
my gun to a guy wearing
two-toned wingtips?

I just want you to know,
if we get out of this alive,
I'm going to that game.

Hey. You just
ripped up your chance.

Do you have any idea
how much I paid
for that ticket?

Yeah. About a tenth
of what I paid for
the one I bought you.

Hey! You two. Shut up!

I knew this was
going to happen.

I'm going to miss my plane.

Antonio, just calm down,
okay? Just cool it.
Everything will be fine.

That's right. You
listen to your buddy there.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

I just want the money.

If everybody cooperates,
we'll all be
sitting in butter.

I can't believe
you won't give me my ticket.

Will you shut up?
We're being robbed!

I have already been
robbed. You're as big
a thief as he is.

All right, all right.
You can have the seat.

I'll take you.
Are you satisfied?

All right.
Now let's have
all your valuables.

Jewelry, watches, wallets.

Let's go, mister, your wallet.

Oh, man.
No! What are you doing?

Our tickets are in there.
Helen, it is not worth
getting killed over.

You call yourself
a baseball fan.

Can you imagine
the bank firing me over
something like that?

Like it's my fault
it's their first robbery
since 1774?

My grandfather
always used to say,

"Never bank more than
you can afford to lose."

No, that doesn't
sound right, does it?

I guess it was,
"Never bet more than
you can afford to lose."

No, no, that doesn't
make much sense either

since Grandfather
was never a betting man.

He did drink, of course,
but not very much because
it always made him throw up.

I guess that's what it was.
"Never drink more than
you can afford to lose."

Thanks for clearing that up.

That's what
Grandmother always said.

Uh, no, uh, wait.
I guess it was,

"Thanks for
cleaning that up."

Go home, Fay.

Maybe I'll go home.

Uh, what time do we leave,
Joe?

I don't want to miss
my connecting flight
from Boston.

Relax, Antonio.
You got plenty of time.

Hey, uh, Brian,
why don't you take this flight
since you lost your day job?

Why not?
I'll get the flight case.

So, the time has come for me
to bid you all farewell.

This is very difficult for me.

So long, Antonio.
Have a good time.

Yes. I--I will.

You know,
it is never easy for me
to say goodbye.

Well, have a safe trip.

Thank you.

But I want you all to know
that every morning,
when I rise,

I will turn and face west,
toward America,
my adopted home,

and to you,
my dear, dear friends who
have taken me to your bosom

and treated me
as if I were...

Oh, for God's sake.
Dorothy didn't
take this long leaving Oz.

Now click your heels
together three times
and get the hell out of here.

Psst. Brian, when
will we reach Boston?

Oh, Antonio, relax.
We'll be on the ground
in 25 minutes.

And besides,
your flight to Italy
doesn't leave for hours.

Whereabouts in Italy
are you going?

Uh, Southern Italy, Ravello.

Mmm, the Amalfi Drive.
I've been there.
It's gorgeous.

I know. I'm going home
to visit my family,
for a month.

A month? In Southern Italy?
You lucky dog.

Well, you're really gonna be
sitting in butter, aren't you?

Uh, Antonio,
would you step up here
for a second, please?

Don't be alarmed,
but I think that guy
is the bank robber.

Oh, my God.

Of course!
It makes perfect sense,
doesn't it?

He'd have to get off
the island somehow.

If we can only be sure.

Oh, we don't have
to be sure. Me, I can
live with the mystery.

Yeah, but I can't.
Now, look, don't panic,

but I need you
to fly the plane
for a minute.

What?

No, no, no, I've just
got to go back there
and check his shoes.

They're the only thing
I got a good look at.

But, I--I don't know how to...
Relax, relax!

Relax, just take the controls
and keep her nose up.

Nose? What nose?
Where is the nose?

Brian, please.
Help. Please, God.

Student pilot.
Top of his class.

Just checking to see, uh,
that all personal belongings
are stowed under the seat.

FAA regulations.

Oh, my.

My, what lovely wingtips.

Yeah. Can't go wrong
with those, can you?

Timeless styling,
durable,

shoes that, that really
make a statement.

Shoes that say,
"I know who I am

"and I am not afraid
to shoot you."

I know who you are, wise guy.
You're that guard
from the bank. Move.

You think you can
get away with this?

I've already called
the authorities at Logan,
you know.

You did? When?

It doesn't matter because
we're gonna land in a field
way out in the boondocks.

Then I'll smash your radio,
wreck the engine,

take care of you two
and be on my way.

Don't go to any trouble.
We can take care of ourselves.

Shut up.

Yesterday, a bank guard,
today, a pilot.

What's the matter, buddy,
can't you hold a job?

No thanks to you, pal.

(SCOFFS)

What a loser.

In fact,
now that you mention it,

I've pretty much been
a failure at everything
I've ever done.

Went to Princeton,
bailed out of that
before I even got started.

Went to NASA,
washed out of that too.

I've been like this
my entire life.

I've been an embarrassment
to my brother,

let down all my friends,
just made a mess
of everything.

I'm--I'm worthless.
Yeah, yeah, cry me a river.

You know something?
I'm through crying.

'Cause there's
one thing I can do.

One desperate act
that'll make up
for all my failures.

I can stop you from
getting away with this

and end two miserable lives
in the process.

(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

What're you doing?

I'm leaving this lousy world
and taking you with me.

Couldn't you just
drop me off first?

Are you crazy?
Pull out of it.

Oh, you want to
shoot me, buddy?
Go ahead. Shoot me.

Brian, we're at 1,000 feet.

You're bluffing.
Hey, come on.
What're you waiting for, man?

Shoot me.
In fact, you'd be
doing me a favor.

800.

Yeah, I'll already be dead
when we hit the water,

and so I won't have
to hear you screaming.
600.

You're out of your mind.
You're nuts!

That's right. That's right.
I'm nuttier than
a bowl of Bridge Mix.

Brian, 400 feet.
Pull up. Pull up.

Here, look, here.
Take the gun, take that.

Just, please,
don't kill us!

Okay, hairball,
kiss the floor.

(SCREAMING)

It looks like
I'm going to make my plane
after all.

Yeah, actually, Antonio,
we've got to turn back,

give this guy
to the Nantucket Police.

I'd prefer you give him
to the Boston Police.

Nantucket Police
have jurisdiction.

I have a gun.
Boston it is.

Oh, come on, Joe.
Don't be so bitter.

Why not?
There's no justice
in this world.

Brian gets a big reward
from the bank,
pays back the IRS

and has $2500 left over.

I, on the other hand,
lose my tickets to
opening day at Fenway Park,

and have to replace
the windshield in the plane

'cause Antonio has
an itchy trigger finger.

Well, at least Brian
is following your advice.

He went down to the bank
and started a savings account
with that money.

(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)

Well, what do you think,
huh?

That $2500 was just enough
for a down payment,

and these bitchin' leathers.

Hey, how about
a little spin on the tarmac,
sweet cakes?

Sure.

Want to know the best part?

I'm going to
opening day at Fenway.

What?

Yeah, the cops
found these two tickets

on that bank robber
and they gave them to me.

Want to go?

Yeah. You bet.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Joe, would you get me a soda
out of there?

(THUDDING)

LOWELL: Doesn't it hurt
when you do it with your head?