Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 19 - Four Dates That Will Live in Infamy - full transcript

Apparently she's busy tonight,
but, uh,

on the plus side, that's
the most physical contact
I've had in a month.

Don't feel bad.
I haven't had a date
in forever.

You know, none of us have.

It's been six months
since I've been on a date.

And that was with
a total moron.

Oh, stop counting, Joe.
It wasn't you.

When I dated you,
I was the moron.

Personally, I haven't had
any female companionship

since Bunny left.

Actually, a couple of months
before she left.



Hey, come to think of it,
how old is my youngest child?

What a bunch of losers.

As far as I'm concerned,
chicks are like buses.

You miss one,
another one will come along
before you know it.

Your dates are very much
like buses, Roy.

They're loud, they belch smoke

and can be picked up
pretty much on
any street corner.

Well, when my social life
was in a slump, I used to go
down to the Whaling Museum.

Well, I haven't hated myself
yet today. I'll ask.

Why, Fay?

Well, it's simple.
I'd find myself a seat,

take out my knitting,
and sooner or later

some fascinating man
would come over and ask
what I was making.

Uh, usually,
it was just a little sweater
for my wiener dog.



Except for that one time
I got distracted

and made that pair of gloves
with the extra finger.

Well, as--as it happens,
a roll of Lifesavers fit
in there perfectly but

for some reason, whenever
I wore them, people seemed
to get offended.

What's scary is that
she looks so normal.

You know, I was just thinking,
since we're all dateless,

why don't you guys
rent a movie
and I'll make us dinner.

You know, at least
it'll be something to do.

All righty. Sure.
Okay.

Antonio, you're invited, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't.
I just made a date.

Great. Well, some other time.

But, just so you know, I also
have a date tomorrow night
and the next.

You're kidding.
How did you manage that?

I joined
The Romance Connection.

And now, for only $149.95,
plus tax,

I too, live in a social
whirlwind of fun filled days
and romantic nights.

You mean
that video dating place?

It's a haven
of the truly desperate.

Maybe, but who's sitting home
with a rented movie

and who's out
pumping up the jam?

Well, it still sounds like
a meat market to me.

No, you just fill out
the questionnaire,

uh, make a video,
look at the other
members' tapes.

I've been picked five times.

I think it's the accent.

How tough are the questions?

They asked me, uh,
"What are your interests?"

"Describe your ideal date."

"Do you really think
that shirt goes
with those pants?"

That kind of thing.

Antonio, you being new here,

I can understand
the attraction.
But, uh, for people like us,

people who've been around
for a while, there's
just... There's no way.

I mean, no way
in the world.

My name is Helen Chapel.

I've lived on Nantucket
all my life.

I'm a pilot for Sandpiper Air.

Huh?

Oh, my ideal date?
Well, let's see.

She'd have to be smart.

Sexy. Sexy.

I mean, I know it's, uh,
it's gallant to say

that looks don't count,
but I mean,
who are we kidding?

Well, it would have
to be with a woman.

I think I was
pretty clear about that
on the questionnaire.

INTERVIEWER:
What kind of personality
are you attracted to?

Shy, retiring,

uh, busty.

INTERVIEWER:
When they film your life story
who's going to play you?

Franchot Tone.

Goldie Hawn.

LeVar Burton.

INTERVIEWER:
Are you a risk taker?

Risk taker?

Well, I'm a pilot
and in my line of work
I try to avoid risk,

but on the other hand
life requires a certain amount
of spontaneity,

so I suppose, in a carefully
controlled environment
risk is okay

to a certain extent.

Libra.

Capricorn.

Pisces.

Sign? What sign?

INTERVIEWER:
What would you consider to be
your most negative quality?

Hmm.

Well, people say that, uh,
I laugh like a chipmunk.

(SQUEAKY LAUGH)

But I don't think so.

Give--give me a second.
Give me a second.

My most negative quality?

Well, some people think
that I'm a control freak.

But I think that...
No, I don't like
that take either.

We're gonna have
to do it again.

I would say that,

uh, I spend a little
too much time at the gym.

INTERVIEWER:
When is it okay to lie?

When you can't
remember the truth?

It's never okay to lie.

...unless, to tell
the truth would be really
hurting another person.

I guess at the end of the day,
when you're tired, you know.

Sexiest body part? Buns.

Eyes.

Hey don't-- don't look
at me that way.

You asked.

Chest hair.

Oh, you mean on a woman?

Uh, I'm gonna stay
with my answer.

Fine. Okay, 8:00 tonight.

See you then. Ow.

Yeah, I did it.

Made a date
with my dream girl,

the lovely and talented
Barbara 242.

Well, good for you.
I picked Monica 187.

You know, I thought
it was kind of rude

for them to have the women
put their weight
after their names.

But, as long as she's
tall enough,

I think I'm gonna be okay
with Sharon 325.

W-What about you, Helen?
Did you find
somebody interesting?

I think so. Jeffrey 16.

Uh, oh.

Sixteen's a pretty low number.

Sounds like old Jeff's
been sitting on the shelf
for a while, huh?

Uh, so you all got dates
for Saturday night?
Yeah. That's right.

I know something you could do
that might be fun.

Oh, now, now, just--just a,
uh, just a second there, Fay.

It, uh, sounds like you're
gonna tell another story.

Just, uh, go ahead.

Well, anyway b-back
in my stewardess days,

whenever we girls all had
a date on the same night,

we each threw $25 into a hat

and then,
at the end of the evening,
we'd all get together

and whoever had the worst date
would collect all the money.

Uh, I had a bad streak
in the early '60s

and earned enough
to buy a snowmobile.

Well, what the heck.
That way, uh,

if one of us has
a rotten date,

at least the evening's
not a total loss.

We can meet at
The Club Car around midnight
and compare notes.

Okay, great.
Okay, that may be
a little early.

I mean if things
go really well,

I might not be able
to get there by midnight.

Yeah. We've heard
your snappy repartee.

Just make sure you get us
a good table.

Well, it's after midnight.
Do you think we should wait
on Brian?

Uh-uh, not when there's money
to be won. I want to hear
some stories.

Well, get out your wallets,
boys, 'cause my date
was easily the worst.

Yeah? Where did he take you?

Here.

In fact, I'm still on my date.

So, anyway, I-I'm originally
from Texas, you know.

My family moved here
when I was 10.

You know, I'll never forget
my first day at school.

I was very embarrassed.

Some water, please.

Hold that thought.

Oh, I'll be back
to get your dessert order
in a jiff.

Now, you were saying?

Jeff, why don't we just
do this another time?

You know, when you have
a night off.

Well, this is my night off.

Like I said,
one of the other guys got sick
and I just had to fill in.

But this'll work out.
Now go ahead with your story.

Really. It--it's fascinating.

Um, okay, well, like I said,
you know, it was my first day
at school

and my teacher took me up
to the front of the class.

She made me stand there
by myself and said,
"Okay tell us about yourself."

Well, you know, me,
with an accent...
Oh, dear.

Oh, I know you can imagine
how humiliated
I must have felt.

No, no, I just remembered,
table eight needs more coffee.

Oh, but don't stop.
This is a great story.

Go on, Helen. I'm listening.

Go ahead.

Well, uh, you know,
there I was standing there

in the front
of the classroom,
all by myself,

my little knees
knocking together.

Oh, it was my worst nightmare.
Uh-huh.

You know, I began to "ain't"
and "cain't" and "y'all"
all over the place.

You know, those people
began to look at me

like I had dropped
out of Mars.

Oh, just finish
your vegetables.

Uh, I'm listening.

Jeffrey.

Oh, Helen, I'm having
a great time,

but look I'm falling
a little behind here.

Uh, these people
are waiting on salads

and I've got to pick up
an order in the kitchen, so...

I know,
so let's just do this
another night, okay?

No, could you pour
some decaf on table four?

It went on like that
all night.

You're making this up.
You're making this up
to win the bet.

Helen, table nine
is not going
to clear itself.

Okay, Lowell, it's your turn.

You couldn't have had
a worse date than mine.

Well, Sharon's
a pretty classy lady.

So I wanted to treat her to
an evening that your average
guy wouldn't even think of.

Whoa!

Lowell, stop!

Lowell, I'm going to get sick!

Me, too.
Is this great or what?

Lowell.

Wow, funny,
I thought you'd enjoy that.

Well, I might have
if my head
weren't still throbbing

from when you ran me
into that door jamb.

Oh, right. Sorry.

But on the bright side,
your hair just about covers
that knot on your forehead.

Now let's see, what's next?
I showed you Roy's planes,
the runway,

the ticket counter...
I know, my tools.

Uh, Lowell, stop.
Just slow down.

Oh, right. Kind of
getting ahead of myself.

Tools are more of
a second date activity.

You know Lowell, we've been
here almost two hours and

you've been so busy
rushing around showing me
all this machinery

that we've hardly had
a chance to talk
like normal people.

Can't we just talk?

Well, I'm afraid if I start
talking about myself

you won't find me
interesting anymore.

You've got nothing to lose,
Lowell.

I--I mean...

I mean, this can't be what
you do on all your dates.

Well, I have a confession,
Sharon.

I haven't been out
on all that many dates.

Do you mean since
your separation?

No, ever.

Bunny was my first date,
and I married her.

After her came, let's see,
it was...

(MUMBLING)

You.

That explains a lot.

Come here, Lowell.
Let's sit down for a second.

You were married.

What did you and your wife
talk about?

Nah, you don't want
to hear about that.

No, sure I do.

Well, you know, Bunny and I
had our problems, but, uh,

you know, one thing
we could always talk about
was our kids.

I remember when
Lowell Junior was born.

It's an easy day to remember.

It's his birthday.

I was sitting there
in the fathers' waiting room
when the nurse

brought out the most
beautiful child in the world.

Boy, looked just like
a little angel.

He was just so perfect,
his little face.

Then she brought out my son.

But I learned to love him.

Aw, I'm probably boring
you with all this stuff.

No, no, Lowell.
This is, this is nice.

For the first time
this evening I feel like
I'm getting to know you.

But, unfortunately
it's practically midnight

and I've got
an early morning. So...

So, uh, can we maybe see
each other again sometime?

Okay.

But next time, let's start
with the talking and work
our way up to the forklift.

Okay.

Well, you're not
going to win the bet
with that date, Lowell.

Just my luck.

I go out on a date,
the girl likes me,
I end up having a great time.

Darn!

Well, looks like Brian
is going to miss
the winning story

because I had,
without a doubt,

the weirdest evening
of my entire life.

JOE: On her tape,
Monica seemed like a perfectly
normal attractive woman.

The problems started
when I went to pick her up

and she insisted on bringing
along a friend.

Come on, Monica,
you've got to talk
sooner or later.

It won't do you any good.
She's not going to talk.
She never does.

But you talked
on the dating video.
Why not tonight?

It took her months
to get up the courage
to make that tape.

Trust me,
the chick's a loser.

Monica,
this was mildly amusing
for the first three hours.

But enough is enough.

The people at the restaurant
thought we were crazy.

Come on, Joe.

Take her home,
so you and I
can go party!

I am not talking to you!

You were looking
right at me.

Yeah, well,
that was a mistake.

Now, would you just be quiet
and mind your own business?

Are you trying
to hurt my feelings?

You don't have any feelings!
You're a puppet!
You're made of wood!

Will you just shut up!

What am I saying?

Monica, please,
make her shut up!

(PUPPET CRYING)

I was only trying to help.

Come on, Trixie.

Trixie, don't cry.
I'm sorry.

No, you're not.
Yes, I am.

Really, you have no idea
how sorry I am.

Then I forgive you.

Thank you. Now, if it's okay,
I'm just going to
take both of you home.

Good idea. Miss Tersonality
over there will be asleep
in 20 minutes.

Drive around for a while,
then come back for me.

No, thanks.

Oh, and by the way,
you just said "tersonality."
It's "personality" with "P."

You're not even
very good at this.

Trixie, take your hand
off my thigh.

Gentlemen, we have a winner!

Hand it over, guys.

Stop!

That money is mine!

You're soaking wet!

Brian, what happened?
Oh, I've never had anything
like this happen to me,

in my life.

Barbara 242 turned out
to be a living, breathing,
harpy from hell.

She's some sort of
stock broker.

Every ten minutes
her beeper went off

and we spent the whole night
tracking down every pay phone
on the island.

Come on, let's go, Hoss.
I've got business
to take care of.

Hold your water.
I'll be done in a minute.

Can--can--can we please
maybe find another phone?

And while we're doing that,
the Nikkei Index could be
diving like a Kamikaze.

I've got to find out
how the yen is doing.

Come on! Baby Huey!
You can order your steroids
some other time.

Barb, babe, lighten up.

This guy does not look
opposed to taking a life.
Oh, get real.

He's just a Neanderthal
with an overactive pituitary!

Let's go, Conan! Give it up.

What's the problem?

No problem.
Yes, there is.

I have a beeper to answer
and every minute you're
on that phone

could be costing me money.
Like I care.

Oh come on, Blondie.
Why don't you just jump
on your scooter

and go look for your neck?

You'd better shut her up.

Hey, good luck
on that one, pal.

I've been trying all night.

Just do it.

So, you're just going
to let him push us around?
What kind of man are you?

Let me put it to you this way.
I'm not half the man you are.

(BEEPING)
I need a phone!

Yeah, I think we both know
what you need.

Then what am I doing
here with you?

Oh! It's okay.

It's okay.

See, there's-- there's
not a mark on it.

Big mistake.

You're telling me, boy.
I never should have gone
out with her.

So you're gonna repaint
my bike or what?

What, me? No, no, no, she's
the one who kicked the bike
while I was nowhere near it.

Okay, now,
if you're thinking of hurting
someone, I could just

give you her beeper number.

That's very funny.

That's very clever.

See, 'cause I didn't figure
you to be a clever guy,

but I've got to
hand it to you.
You are one clever guy.

Well, actually
you're practically
three clever guys.

Hope you know how to swim.

Joke over. Okay, let's
just talk about this.

(CREAKING)
I know, there's no,
you're not gonna turn that on.

Okay, I was wrong.
I can admit that.

Now, can't we just
talk about this?

Talk?
If I were you,
save your breath.

In about five minutes
you're gonna need it.

Hello, 911?

Yes, I think I'm a potential
drowning victim.

Well, I'm convinced.

No argument here.
Brian wins, hands down.

Hey--hey, wait a minute.
He just got a little wet.

I got groped
by a wooden midget.

Hey, come on, you broke up
with Helen six months ago.

That's it. I changed my vote.
Joe wins.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Come on,
let's get out of here before
I have to wash dishes.

Hey, uh, Brian, I've got
to ask you something.
What?

Couldn't you tell
how annoying Barbara was
from her video?

Well, she looked so good
I didn't want to spoil it,
so I turned the sound off.

I wish I could have
done that tonight.

Lowell was nice enough,
just a little odd.

Well, Brian was a toad.
Really?

A real pantywaist.

(BEEPING)

Oh, I'll be right back.

Hey, Jumping' Jack Flash!

Two more of the same.
Only this time, spill a little
into the glass!

I still can't believe
what happened.

She just walked out
without even saying goodbye.

I guess what they say
is true,

you should never date
people you work with.

TRIXIE: Don't waste
your time talking to her,
she's a dummy.

Excuse me. Did your handbag
just say something?