Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 18 - Take My Life, Please - full transcript

Say, uh, do you mind if I,
uh, ride shotgun for a while?

No. Go right ahead.
Take a seat.
Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

Excuse me, but, uh,
are you, uh...

Yeah, I am.

So you--you really are
Oliver North?

To the best
of my recollection, yes.

Well, what are you doing
flying over to Nantucket?

Oh, I--I just wrote a book

and we're going over
to do a book signing.
It's part of the promotion.

Yeah, I heard all about that.
I've been meaning to buy
a copy but I just never...



Boy, if only I had a copy
of the book right here

you could autograph it
for me but I...

Hold on a sec. I've got
a copy of it right here.

How shall I make this out?

Oh, you know, just make it
out to, uh, to Brian,

a great friend
and a heck of a pilot.

Okay. There you go.
Hey, thank you.

That's all right.

Say, uh...

just between you and me,

uh, did it ever occur to you

that what you did
might be considered illegal?

I wouldn't have done it
if I thought it was illegal.

Uh, I believed that then
and I believe it now.



Actually, I meant lifting
that pen from the Ritz-Carlton
in Boston.

Oh, uh...

I have absolutely
no recollection of where
that pen came from.

You're good.

He's good, isn't he?

Hey, everybody. Make way
for the new Helen Chapel.

No. What happened
to the old one?

Looks like somebody
wrapped her up inside
a box of shortcake.

What is with that jacket?

I just made my first
official sale as agent
for Bonnie Doon Real Estate.

(ALL CHEERING)

It took me four months.

But I finally earned
the right to wear
the Bonnie Doon blazer.

Good for you.

You know, I'm really happy.
I am so proud of myself.

I just feel like
I could sell anything.

You know everybody
in the firm tried to sell
the Duffy place,

but I'm the one who did it.

Oh, uh, are the Duffys
finally moving? Good.

Every time I ride
my bike past there,

that Mr. Duffy sits
on his porch and shouts out
the crudest things.

That sweet old man?
You're kidding.

Oh, no. Sometimes
I have to ride by
two or three times

to make sure
I've heard him right.

Miss Chapel?

Mr. MacDougal!
Uh, this is a surprise.

Everyone, this is, um,

the owner
of Bonnie Doon Realty,
Mr. Liam MacDougal.

Mmm-hmm. Miss Chapel,
we have a problem.

Well,
it's your own fault.

You could have avoided this
with a simple phone call
to see what she was wearing.

It's about
the Duffy house.

Yes?
Now is it true that you
promised the buyers

that the antique
chandelier in the foyer
came with the house?

Shouldn't I have?

Miss Chapel, that chandelier
is worth $50,000.

It's been in the Duffy family
for five generations.

(SIGHING)

Well, do you think
they might be tired of it?

Now, thanks
to your incompetence,

I may end up
losing my license.

I'm afraid you're
no longer fit to wear

the red, the green,
the black, the blue,

the yellow, the orange
and the gold.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Helen.

Helen, are you all right?
I cannot believe
he did that to you.

It's okay. I was prepared.

They showed us one of those
in the orientation film.

Hey, guys.

Uh, Helen, a word of advice:
Never yank a loose thread.

Go easy on her.
She just got fired.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, kid.

It's okay.
I was never cut out
to be in real estate,

just like I was never
cut out to play the cello
or do anything else in life

except run
this stupid lunch counter.

Helen, if I may make
a suggestion.

Perhaps you should
consider taking
a career placement test.

A placement test?
Yeah, it's a great idea.

They ask you a bunch
of questions and try to get
a sense of who you are

and then they help you
find a career that suits you.

My friend could
send us one.

He works for a career
placement agency in Boston.

I ain't got nothing
to lose. Sure.

I'll see if he can
send us one.

Uh, Roy, can I give him
your fax number?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Boy, I tell you I rue the day
I bought that thing.

Why? Because people
always want to use it?

No. It's that jerk up
at the airport in Providence,
Harvey Millbank.

He thinks it's a scream
to fax me photocopies
of his butt.

Modern technology.

One minute a butt goes
into a machine in Providence.

The next, it's flying
through the air

and coming out
a machine in Nantucket.

It's hard to believe
the Vikings survived

just sending little drawings
of their butts back and forth
in bottles.

Okay, Helen,
it's all arranged.

Once you fill out the test

they will be able to give you
at least two different
career suggestions.

Great.
Uh, uh, Roy,
before I forget,

there was a--a fax
in the machine for you.

Looks like a big number three.

Have you guys
seen Antonio?

No, not yet.

He said the results
from my career test
were coming in this morning.

Can't wait to see 'em.

I really think
this may lead to something.

You know,
this morning my eyes
popped open at 5:00 a.m.

My hands were shaking,
my heart starting
beating fast.

You ever felt like that?

Uh, yes. One night
I was watching television

and I thought
I was eating M and M's.

Turns out I was popping
thyroid pills.

Yes, well, if you see him
you know where I'll be.

Right over here
at this stinking greasy
lunch counter,

making the same old
deep-fried, fat-filled,
cholesterol-laden slop.

Would you care
to hear today's specials?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SHUSHING)
Oh, Antonio,
Helen was just looking...

We must talk in private.

Excuse me. Has anyone
heard of knocking?

I'll just try using
a higher octane.
It'll go away.

I have the results
of Helen's test.

But I don't know
how to break them to her.

Antonio, Helen bombed out
with the cello.

She can't stand
the lunch counter.
I'm sure she'll be happy

with any suggestions
they make.

They suggest a career
in music or food service.

You know,
this is not a problem here.

We just change the results.

You can't do that.
Why not?

Because it's dishonest.

Now, you're with me
on this, aren't you, Fay?

Well, you know, sometimes
it's okay to be dishonest.

Uh, I mean for example,
let's say you were going out
on a big date

and you asked me
if I liked that tie.

Even if I didn't like it,
I might say,

"Yes, it's very nice",
because, as a friend,

I would think
that's what you needed
to hear.

Yeah, I guess,
in this case you're right.

So do you like my tie?

Yes. It's very nice.

Okay, so we're all
agreed on this?

No, no.
I--I have to be honest.

I'm not crazy about the tie.

No, I'm talking about
changing the letter.

Now, uh, now, think.
What career
should we recommend?

Huh? Now, it should be
something that Helen
really likes.

When she was in school,
was there-- was there anything

she was especially
interested in?

Tastykakes.

No, no, no.
Now, what about law?
Huh?

When she was in college,
didn't she take
some law courses?

Well, yeah, but...
Well, fine, fine, fine.
It's settled then.

Okay, so, Fay,
just changes the letter

so it reads, uh,
"After careful consideration,
blah, blah, blah,

"we recommend a career
in law." Okay?

And then we just add
a second choice, uh...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

HELEN: Joe?

Hurry, Fay, quick.
J-Just a second, Helen.

(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

HELEN: What was
going on in there?

Uh, we're dressing.

Well, it's the first thing
I thought of. I'm not
very good under pressure.

Fay, hurry up.
Are you done yet?

Um, what shall I put
for the second career?

Well, anything.
It doesn't matter.
Just hurry.

Be right there, Helen.

Hey, Helen.

What's going on in here?

Oh, well, uh,
we're just standing around
comparing appendix scars.

Helen, I have the results
of your test.
Great!

Wow! I can't believe this!

This is so interesting.
What is?

Oh, hey,
would you look at this?

It says
she should be a lawyer.
Isn't that exciting?

Oh, yeah, that. But it's this
other one that's
the real interesting one.

Look at this.

Stand-up comedian.

Stand-up comedian?

That's the last thing
in the world I thought
she'd be interested in.

You know, I never would have
thought of it either.

But in a weird sort of way
this makes sense.

Now I've always
been drawn to performing

and I do have
a pretty good sense of humor.

Let's face it,
this is very scientific.

They don't just pick
these things out of thin air.

Yeah, but it also says
you should be a lawyer.

A lawyer? Boring.

This is something
I can really have fun with.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna go home
and start working up an act.

But, Helen...
What, Joe?

Isn't this a little rash?

Looks more like
a little birthmark to me.

I love this!

I am funny.

Hey, guys,

look what is posted
on every telephone pole
in town.

"Making her comedy debut
this Friday night

"at The Club Car,
Miss Helen Chapel."

And I thought my nights
of enjoying first-class
entertainment died

when they outlawed
dwarf tossing.

Oh, man,
I can't believe this.

I thought this whole
comedy thing would blow over.
Yeah, me, too.

She must believe
she's actually funny.

Have you heard the jokes
she's been making all morning?

We can't let her
do that in public.

We've got to tell her
what we did.

Hey. Did you hear
the one about
the dumb blonde?

I did, but I don't
understand it.

Oh, God, here comes
Shecky Chapel now.

Hi. Oh, I see you found
my flyer. Isn't it exciting?

Yeah. Uh, Helen,
can you sit down
for just one second?

Brian has something
he wants to tell you.

Sure, Brian.

What is it, a joke?

I knew this would happen
once I got started.

Everybody thinks
they can be a comedian.

Well, uh, actually
it's about your career test.

You see, when we, uh,
when we got the results
we kind of,

uh, well, changed them,
didn't we, Joe?

Uh, yeah. You see,

they recommended a career
in either food service
or music.

So we tried to, sort of,
push you toward a career
that you'd like better,

namely law. Only that's not
the one you picked.

You picked the one
we just threw in there
to finish the form.

So you're saying
you don't think
I should be a comedian?

Well, no, Joe doesn't.

And, uh...

I guess, neither do I.

JOE: It's better to hear it
from your friends

than from an audience
full of strangers.

BRIAN: Right.

Thank God I have you two guys.

First you're there
to protect me
from the bad news.

Then you're there to tell me
which career I should have.

Now, when I've picked one
that I can get excited about,

you tell me
I'm not good enough.

Well, excuse me.

But I think you two
are the last two people
in the world

that should be advising
anybody on their career.

You, Mr. Washout-
At-Everything-
You've-Ever-Tried.

And you,
Mr. One Horse Airline.

You know something?
You're nothing
but a bus driver in the sky.

(LAUGHS)

Now, that's funny.

So don't tell me
I'm not funny,
'cause I'm funny.

I'm damned funny.
I'm hysterical.

Enjoy your eggs.

Joke's on her.
We ordered pancakes.

Okay, Lowell, I just
want you to sit there

and listen to my act
like you don't even know me.

I just want to get a feel
for how things are gonna be
Friday night at the club.

Okay, Helen. Let her rip.
Okay.

Hi, I'm Helen.
Get off the stage, you bum!

You're not funny.

My grandmother's funnier
than you are.

Lowell.

The Club Car's known
for its hecklers, Helen.

I just want you
to be prepared.

I just want you
to sit there and tell me
what's funny and isn't.

Oh. Okay.

And by the way,
my grandmother's not really
funnier than you are.

Although she gets
a nice laugh at Thanksgiving

when she pulls out
her glass eye and hides it
in the olive dish.

Hi, everybody.
My name is Helen Chapel.

And I'm a stand-up comedian.

Oh, very funny, sir.
I'm standing up already.

Boy, I tell you,
it's not easy being short.

I mean, people are always
patting you on the head.

I've been patted more times
on the head than Rin Tin Tin.

You get tired of hearing
the same old things,
over and over, like,

"How's the weather
down there?"

and, "Hey, speed bump."

Hey, you don't even like,
"Hey, speed bump?"

I'm sorry, Helen.
I've never really liked jokes
about road safety devices.

I liked it, Helen.

What are you doing here?

Or did you just come here
to laugh at how bad I am?

'Cause let me
tell you something, Mister.
You can stuff that,

'cause the last thing
I need in the world
is someone laughing at me.

Well, in that case,
I'll be getting back to work.

I'm dropping a new engine
in Joe's plane.

Say, do either of you know
how many mechanics it takes

to drop a new engine
in Joe's plane?

Uh, no, Lowell. How many?
Two.

But Joe says
I'm lucky to have a job.

Look, Helen, listen,
listen, listen. I--I just...

I--I came
to apologize to you.

It's okay.

No, no, really.
And--And--And if this...

If this stand-up comic thing
makes you happy,
then I--I say go for it.

I don't know, Brian.
What is it?
Something's wrong.

Is it my material,
or my approach,
or my delivery?

Yes.

L-L-Look, maybe,
you're just coming
from the wrong angle.

Oh, come on.
let's face it.

The only thing I'm good at
is picking bad careers.

Well, let us...
Okay--Okay, so--so
let that be your angle. Okay?

'Cause failure
is a classic source

for comedy.
And--And don't stop
at your career.

Uh, think about it,
think about it.

You used to be
really fat, okay,

your boyfriend dumped you.
Uh, your music career is

basically a joke, right?
What else? What else?

That's plenty, Brian.
No, now, I'm telling you.
This is a very rich area.

Talk about... Talk about
the pain in your life.
Pain is funny.

You really think so?

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(LOWELL GROANING)

Need I say more?

Now--now, what you need now
is a-- is a-- like a gimmick.

You know,
a trademark or something.

Like, George Burns has
his cigar, right?

Jack Benny had his violin.

Oh, in fact, look.
Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait...

My cello?
I mean, why not?

Here, all right, watch.

(SCATTING)

Uh, good evening,
ladies and jellyfish.

My name is Helen Chapel
and this is my cello...

Chelsea.
Chelsea?

You know, whatever,
whatever. I'm telling you
it's a great gimmick.

Maybe there is something funny
about me playing the cello.

At least everyone
I ever auditioned for
seemed to think so.

That's good. That's good.

I bet you've got
a million cello stories.

Like, when my mom
first took me to music school.
Uh-huh.

I walked in with my cello
and my teacher said,

"Now, are you going to have
the energy to drag
that big heavy thing

"in and out of here
every Saturday?"

I said, "Yes, ma'am."
And she said, "I was talking
to your mommy."

(LAUGHING)

I'm telling you
this is-- this is pure
comedy gold.

Really, really.
Just--just play around
with it a little bit.

See what comes out.

Okay, I will. Thanks, Brian.

Now all I have to do
is go home

and dredge up
all the pain, misery
and frustration

I've been repressing
for the past 20 years.

Oh, that was a good one.

...so, uh,
the first cannibal says,

"Hey can I give you
a hand?"

And the second cannibal says,
"Thanks I already ate."

(PEOPLE SIGHING)

Hello. Is this thing on?

Yeah.
How about unplugging it?

Now, Roy,
that isn't very nice.
Oh, come on. He stinks.

Let's have a nice round
of applause for Tommy Morocco,
ladies and gentlemen.

Tommy Morocco.

Well, let's all take a moment
to catch our breath

and then we'll bring out
our next comedian.

So, Helen,
it's almost your turn.
Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, why?

No dry mouth,
lightheadedness,

intense abdominal pain?

Lowell, Lowell,
Helen has nothing
to be nervous about.

Oh, actually
we both had the chicken.

I was just wondering
if it was affecting her, too.

Uh, you know, Helen,
if you're feeling
at all nervous

you can do what I did
when I spoke to
the Ladies' Literary Society.

I just took five deep breaths

and one little shot
of Peppermint schnapps.

Or was it
one deep breath and five...

That might explain
why I couldn't say Balzac
without giggling.

Hey, don't worry, Fay.

There's been a steady stream
of stiffs up there.

See, what they don't have,
and I do have, is a gimmick.

Well, we are ready
for our next funny man,
folks.

So, let's put
our hands together

and give a nice
Komedy Korner welcome
to Mr. Jim Tavare.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. Good evening.
My name is Jim. This is Basie.

I'm gonna play you music
spanning several centuries.

I hope you've got the time.

(ALL LAUGHING)

First of all Basie
would like to do one or two
of her favorite impressions.

Beginning with
"Man Sawing Wooden Leg Off."

(CREAKING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Good news, Helen. This crowd
does seem to enjoy jokes
about stringed instruments.

Basie and me are
very, very close.

But the other day I found her
reading this filth.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Boy,
this guy is a riot.

You know, if you like
that sort of thing,

which I do.

I was classically trained.

And to justify that now
I give you a piece
I learned at Academy,

Beethoven's Suite Number 25.

Room service.

(ALL LAUGHING)

With that I bid you
good night. Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

EMCEE: Mr. Jim Tavare, folks.

What a funny
and completely original act.

And what a way
to end the evening, huh?
Very nice.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry...

We do have one comic left.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Helen Chapel.

Is Helen Chapel
here tonight?

Come on, Helen.
You've got to come
out of there.

HELEN: I'm not coming out
till everybody's gone.

Do your act.
That'll clear the room.