Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 17 - Das Plane - full transcript

Oh, Helen, thanks again
for your help at the auction
last night.

Nantucket Memorial Hospital
raised over $15,000.

Great. That'll pay
for the equipment they need
in the children's wing.

And, boy, do they need it.
That candy machine must be
30 years old.

You know, Roy,
I find it hard to believe

that you actually visit
children in the hospital.

I don't.
It's across the street
from the movie theater.

I can park there for free.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, uh, Joe, I can't thank you
enough for donating
that round-trip ticket.

Oh, someone actually
bid on that, huh?



Oh, yes, Carlton Blanchard.

Blanchard, Blanch...
Oh, oh.

Uh, Old Man Blanchard
from down at the music store.
I thought he was dead.

No you're thinking
of Old Man Perkins.

Carlton Blanchard used to run
the Main Street lumberyard.

HELEN: Yeah,
don't you remember?

Blanchard was the one
who used to come to school
on career day

and talk about
the wonderful world
of wood.

Perkins is the guy
who used to come
to school every day

for no apparent reason.

Oh, uh, Joe,
I haven't told you
the best part.

Mr. Blanchard
paid $10,000 for the ticket.

$10,000?

You're kidding.
I was hoping for maybe,
like, two-three hundred.



How much did
my contribution bring in?

Oh, please. You donated
a ratty, old sofa bed.

It cost us 50 bucks
to have it hauled away.

Oh, uh, Helen, that was
really sweet of you to bid
on my needlework.

Oh, don't mention it, Fay.

I've always wanted a crocheted
toilet paper cover.

Uh, it's a hat.

Oh, yeah.
What was I thinking?

It's a hat. A little hat.

And my toilet paper's
wearing it right now.

Joe, Brian,

here's the man
who donated all that money
to fly with us,

Carlton Blanchard.
Oh, my God.
It--It's the wood guy!

You--You showed us
how soft pine is
by hammering nails

into it with your forehead.

I don't remember that.

$10,000 is
very generous of you.

Practically
my life savings.

Your life savings?
Why would you want to...

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

So, uh, Mr. Blanchard,
where are you flying?

Boston? Hyannis?
Las Cruces, New Mexico.

What?

Las Cruces, New Mexico.

I'm not sure you understand.

We're a local airline.
We don't fly there.

Well, according to
this coupon they gave me,

"Sandpiper," that's you,

"will fly the bearer,"
that's me,

"anywhere."

Actually it says
"anywhere Sandpiper flies."

Actually it doesn't.

Say, what do you suppose
they do with those
little pieces of metal

they punch out
when they make a flute?

Uh, well, here's
the problem.

You see, the, uh, the printer,
obviously made a mistake.

Well, no, no, no, no, no.
That see that's-- that's
what I gave 'em to print.

See I thought,
"flies the bearer anywhere
Sandpiper flies,"

was a little too wordy.

Don't you think?

When do we leave?

Look, look, Mr. Blanchard
we made an honest mistake.

Now, I--I--I've got
scheduled flights to keep.

I'll tell you what, um,

how about
if we buy you a ticket
on a commercial airline?

Oh, no, no.
Those big jets scare me.

Actually, Mr. Blanchard,
your chances of dying
are much higher

in a small plane like ours.

It's practically
a coffin with wings.

As--As a matter of fact,
that's our new slogan.

I'm having it put
on our stationery.

Well, now, look, fellows.
I'm not trying
to be persnickety.

If you don't want
to fly me there,
I'll understand.

Uh, you--you'll still donate
the money to the hospital,
though, won't you?

Well,
it wouldn't seem fair

to pay all that money
and then not get my flight,

would it now?

Look, uh,
why don't you just talk
amongst yourselves?

I'll be over here
having a cup of coffee.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)

Well, Joe, you are gonna
go through with this,
aren't you?

Fay, I can't.
Do you have any idea
how much business I'll lose?

Oh, well, you have to do it.
The hospital really needs
the money.

All right, all right,
all right, let me think.

It's gotta be at least
2,000 miles to New Mexico.

So if you and me share
the flying time,
and only stop for fuel,

we'll only lose really
one day of business.

Fay, how do
our reservations look?

Oh, actually,
we're very light tomorrow.
Okay, good.

We'll take Lowell along
in case we have
any mechanical difficulties

and, uh, we'll leave
in the morning.

All right...
No, no, no, no, no.
See, that's not gonna work.

Why not?

I'm getting my hair cut
tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, why don't we all
just check our calendars

and then rearrange
the whole damn thing
to fit your schedule!

Well, could you?
'Cause if I could just
squeeze in a facial

I'll be much better
company on the flight.

Come on,
you must have some idea.

You work here.

Sir, truly, I have no idea

how much
this building weighs.

Well, see if you can
answer this.

If dogs sweat
through their tongues,

then what
are their armpits for?

I don't know. I'll go check.

I have a cat.

Okay, Mr. Blanchard,

I'll take you to New Mexico.
If it's all right with you,

we'll leave first thing
in the morning. How's 8:00?

Dandy! See you then.
All right.

Uh, Joe, uh,
I could not help
but overhear.

Please take me with you.

I've always dreamed
of seeing America.

I--I--I will be no trouble.
You'll hardly know I'm there.

Sure. Why not?
The more the merrier.

Oh, bless you, Joe.
Now, I need to order
your low-sodium meal.

This should be such
an exciting adventure,
winging through the skies,

hopping from airport
to airport.

I can't tell you
how much I envy you all.

Oh, you know, Fay,
there's more
than enough room.

You're welcome to come along.

24 hours cooped up
with The Riddler?

You must be out of your mind.

ANTONIO:
And so my adventure begins.

I am keeping a journal
so that I will remember

everything about
this journey of a lifetime.

I am very excited.

After all,
I am the first Scarpacci,

not to be traveling as cargo.

Say, Lowell,
how's our course holding?

Straight and true.

Navigation's a snap
with a Mikosani G-25
Space Compass.

The most precise
cartographic plotting
instrument money can buy.

Hmm, impressive.

Yeah. I don't think
we'll have any problems
with this baby in my hand.

(GROANS)

Are we there yet?

We haven't even been
in the air for an hour.

Well, how much longer
do you figure?

One hour? Two hours?

Try 11.

Oh, sure would have been
nice to have known that

before we set out
on this little journey.

So, uh, Carlton,
you never did say.
What's in New Mexico?

That's where my brother lives.

We had sort of a falling out.

We haven't spoken
to each other for 50 years.

The longest Joe and I
have managed to go is six.

But it was quality time.

You see, my father
left me his antique
pocket watch in his will.

Oh, a lovely instrument,
cherished it since
I've been in knee pants.

But my brother, Milford,
snatched it away before
the body was even cold.

And you really haven't spoken
to him in all that time?

Well, he's kind of stubborn.

But I figure we're both
getting along in years

and it's time to put
an end to this foolishness.
It's no way to live.

No way to live at all.

Hey, Lowell, uh,
what are we flying over now?

Well, according
to my calculations,

we should be
right about here.

(GROANING)

Maybe before your next
calculation, Lowell,

you should dip
that compass in alcohol.

Well, it looks to me
like we're over
Lancaster County.

If that's true,
we're making pretty good time.

Uh, it says here
in my guidebook,

"Lancaster County
is the home to
the ultra-religious Amish,

"who reject modern society
in favor of a quaint,
old-world lifestyle.

"Because they are different,

"the Amish are often
the target of scorn
and ridicule.

Phrases to avoid include,
"Yo, beardy,"

and "Hey, Mr. No-Buttons."

Say, that's some bridge
down there.

What do you suppose
that's made of?

I don't know.

Cement, maybe?

On a Sunday afternoon,

how many cars do you suppose
pass over that bridge?

I don't know.

Hey, if a monkey
were to bite you,

what kind of drugs
would they make you take?

I don't know.

Maybe Joe knows.

You sure ask
a lot of questions,
don't you, Carlton?

Well, my mother
always told me

there's no such thing
as a stupid question.

Run that one about
the monkey past her sometime.

(SNORING)

(RUMBLING)

Brian! Wake up!
What's going on?

We're losing fuel
and altitude!

How the hell should I know?
I was asleep.

You're supposed to be
flying the plane!

Oh, my God,
then we're all going to die!

(PRAYING IN ITALIAN)

Mayday, mayday...
No, no, forget about that,
forget about that.

Just help me find a place
to set her down. Okay?

Man, it's dark.

All right, well, that looks
like a field down there
or is it, uh, is it a lake?

I don't know. It's okay,
it's okay. I see a road.

Are we there yet?

ALL: No!

(ALARM WAILING)

Okay. Get ready everybody.
Assume crash positions.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

So long, "Shoeless" Joe.

Well, it's official,

I have absolutely
no idea where the hell we are.

Well, the corn's as high
as an elephant's eye.

I'd say we're in Iowa.

It's Oklahoma, you nimrod.

Well, I may be a nimrod,

but at least I'm not the one
standing in cow pies.

Well, I couldn't find
any signs of life.

Any word from Antonio?

No, not since he disappeared
down that dirt road.

Hey, wouldn't it be neat
if he got picked up by aliens?

This is where it happens,
you know. Cornfields in Iowa.

We're not in Iowa.

Oh, right. Stinky, thinks
we're in Oklahoma.

Are we on the ground?

No, we crashed
and died and heaven's
really disappointing.

Oh.

How's it look there, Lowell?

I hate to say this, Joe,

we're not going anywhere
until we get a new fuel hose.
This one's ruptured.

Damn it!

Brian, I told you
to replace this fuel hose
before we left.

Because of you,
five people
might have died.

Back off. Okay? Back off.

I took care of it.
I asked Lowell to do it.

Now you're trying
to shift the blame
onto Lowell?

Look, there's
no blame here, man.

He did the work, I saw him.

I did put in a new one, Joe.

Ah, it just ruptured.

I guess we got a bad one.
It happens.

Now what?

Well, for starters,
how about you apologize?

For what?

For accusing me of something
that I'm not responsible for.

Well, hey, you're not
responsible for anything.

So it was
a pretty safe guess.

Hey, you gonna apologize
to me or what?
Hey, look, Brian.

If you hadn't screwed up
with the printer
on that coupon

we never would have
been here in the first place.
Just let it go.

No, I know
what this is about. See,

I'm right, you're wrong!
You just can't bring
yourself to say that.

I'm not going to.

Well, you'd better.

Oh, what was that?
A threat?

'Cause I'm really scared.

No, what--what, you think
you can just push me,

right, because
you're my older brother?

Oh, I'm scared.
Cut it out, okay? Just act
your age for a change.

Oh, Stinky. Come on.
Stop. Don't touch
my face, all right?

Don't hurt me.
You're being a kid now.

Oh, Stinky.
Stupidhead!

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hot dog!
It must be the aliens.

Show them we're friendly.

Joe,

would you please
explain to the nice man
with the gun

that I am not
a Libyan terrorist?

What are you doing
on my property?

We had some engine trouble.

We had to make
an emergency landing.

We'll pay for any damage
we did to your crops.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Keep them up there, Muammar!

Look, all we need
is a new fuel hose

and then we can be
up in the air and out
of shotgun range

in just a mere few minutes.

Do you know anywhere
that sells them?

No place I know of.

But I think we could
work out a little trade,
might get you one.

Joe, please,
whatever you do,

don't throw me in
as part of the bargain.

ANTONIO: Hour 23,
I have lived to see
another sunrise.

In exchange
for a new fuel hose,

Joe agreed to deliver chickens

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
to the farmer's sister
in Missouri,

grain to his brother
in Louisiana,

potatoes to his aunt
in Tennessee,

and a piglet to a large man
in Texas whose name,
I don't recall.

After hosing out the plane,
we're back on course
to New Mexico.

At this point I'm very tired
of writing in my journal,

but dare not stop for fear
that the old man will think

I'm available to answer
more questions.

I hate him.

You know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking that,

when we get back
to Nantucket,

we should just go
our separate ways,
you know.

Yeah, like I haven't
heard that before.

No, no, I'm serious,
I'm serious, this time.

It's just not working out.

Sandpiper, living under
the same roof,

we're making each other
miserable. So why don't we
just cut our losses?

Is that what you want?
Just say goodbye...

That's exactly what I want.
Fine, you've got it.

Oh, what do you know?
We actually agree
on something.

All right, everybody
fasten your seat belts.

In about five minutes,
we'll be landing
in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Why are we stopping
in Las Cruces?

So you can visit
your brother.

My brother?

My brother lives
in Rock Springs, Wyoming.

No, your brother

lives in Las Cruces,
New Mexico.

Oh.

I see where you're confused.

My brother used to live
in Las Cruces,

but he moved
to Rock Springs years ago.

That's it.
I said I would take him
to Las Cruces!

I took him there.
Now I'm taking him back.

Look, maybe I said Las Cruces

when I meant to say
Rock Springs.

I get confused over things
now and again.

But this might be
my last chance
to get to see my brother

and we have come
all this way.

(SIGHING)

How far is it to Rock Springs,
Wyoming, Lowell?

And don't-- this time
don't use the compass.

Right, Joe.

(GROANS)

Now what is it?

Paper cut.

ANTONIO: Hour 27.

I don't know how Joe is going
to land the plane

on an icy runway
in this blizzard,

but he has my complete
and full confidence.

To my brother, Alberto,
I leave my cab and my suits.

Okay, if I can
just stop skidding

before we run
into that propane tank,

Carlton will finally have
his little reunion.

You must be pretty excited,
eh, Carlton?

Eh, Carlton?

He's not moving.

Oh, God! Don't tell me.

You don't think
that he's, uh...

(WIND HOWLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We're here, Carlton.

Las Cruces?

No, Rock Springs.

My brother lives
in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

What?

Kidding.
That was for waking me up.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, is that your brother
standing over there?

Yeah,
that's Milford all right.

Oh, the years haven't been
kind to him, have they?

Guess he didn't drink
from the Fountain of Youth
like you did.

Well,

wish me luck, fellows.

Good luck, Carlton.
Godspeed, Carlton.

LOWELL: Good luck, Carlton.

What do you think
his brother will say to him
after 50 years?

Look, they're just
staring at each other.

Oh, this is sad.

From the same womb
and they are like strangers.

All because of some
silly argument
over a stupid pocket watch.

Is that how we're
gonna end up, Brian?

Couple of bitter old men
standing out on a snowy runway

after not speaking
to each other for 50 years?

Well, between your stress
and my love of fried foods,

I don't think
that either of us are gonna
live that long.

You know, we're practically
the only family we've got.

Don't rub it in.

Oh, come on,
are we as stubborn
as those two old goats,

or are we bigger than that?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

You were right,
I was wrong.

Shall we start fresh?

Well,
in a manner of speaking,

neither of us has bathed
in two days.

Hey, hey, look,
they're hugging.

Oh, how this
touches my heart.

Sort of makes
the whole trip worth it,
doesn't it?

Boy, those two,
they must be
deliriously happy

to be hugging so long.

No kidding. Now they're
hugging on the ground.

I don't think
they're hugging.

I think they're fighting.

Oh!

Carlton just hit him
with a rabbit punch
to the kidneys.

Hey, he's running back
to the plane.

CARLTON: Well,

I said all I had to say
to that son of a bitch.

What are you waiting for?
Take off!

Wait, wait, wait.
I--I--I don't get it.

You--you...
You paid $10,000,

to fly all this way
just so you could beat
your brother senseless?

Hell, no. I got
my daddy's watch back, too.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Daddy's watch.

And come to think of it,

Milford doesn't
have red hair.

CARLTON: Maybe
it was Las Cruces.