Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 16 - Planes, Trains and Visiting Cranes - full transcript

Are we perhaps flying
a little low?

Like I said,
we're right on course.

I'm not usually so anxious
when I fly.

It's just that, you know,
this plane is so small.

I can feel every bump.

Well, Cessna 402
is one of the safest aircraft
in the sky today.

Who told you that,
the salesman?

Frasier,
stop being such a baby.

If we crash and die,
we crash and die.

This is a vacation,
for God's sakes.

Look, maybe it's not
my place to say but, uh,



if you have
this much trouble
and you have to fly,

you might want
to get some therapy.

You know,
see a psychiatrist
or something.

Sky King
is a psychiatrist.

Yes. Dr. Frasier Crane.

Joe Hackett.

So, uh, this your first time
over on Nantucket?

Well, actually, yes.
Sort of a working vacation,
if you will.

I'm conducting
a self-esteem seminar
this weekend.

Okay.

Personally,
I find the whole notion

of pop-psychology seminars
to be appalling.

You've managed
to reduce a complex

psychoanalytic process
to six hours



with a dinner break
and a slogan T-shirt.

I have to disagree,
my love.

Hundreds of people have
received a new lease on life
through my program,

The Crane Train
to Mental Well-Being,
for 350 bucks.

Slogan T-shirt not included.

And so many more
will be enlightened
when the Crane Train video,

which is being taped
this weekend,
goes on sale nation-wide.

Listen, would you pay $19.95
to have your life

completely turned around
for the better?

$19.95?

Well, I might rent it.

I remain opposed.

Sounds like you two
could use a little vacation.

This is our first
extended period

away from our
two-year-old son, Frederic.

I'm afraid my thoughts
are consumed by him.

Darling, why?

Our little man is resting
in the warm and loving bosom

of his Danish nanny, Dagmar.

While I, on the other hand,
will have your smaller,
porcelain bodice

all to myself.

Eyes front, fly-boy.

Attention, boxing fans.

Tomorrow at noon
in the hangar,

we're gonna be watching
the world heavyweight
championship fight

live from Rome.

The challenger,
Vito Pelletari versus Carl,
"The Widowmaker" Pickens!

So you got the giant TV?

Forty-six inch
big-screen TV,

with a picture so real

that when the punches
start flying
you'll want to wear a cup.

Yes!

I can't wait
for this fight.

Where'd you get the money
for a big-screen TV?

Those things run $3,000.

No, no, no, no. You just
make a small down payment,

you take the TV home,

and then you bring it back
the next day.

Actually you're allowed
to keep it for two days.

And when I keep it for three,
they never hassle me.

Uh, excuse me, Brian,
isn't that illegal?

It's only illegal
if we splice into the cable
without paying for it.

Well, I managed to splice
into that cable, Brian.

Thank you, Lowell.

That cable TV
is incredible.

It can pick up
television stations
from around the world.

Just the other night
I was watching a documentary
on the Japanese channel

about this race
of giant tree trimmers.

I saw that Lowell.

It's a gardening show.
Those are bonsai trees.

Who cares about the trees?
The people were huge!

So, uh, who does everybody
like in the fight?

Oh, I--I--I like Pelletari.
33 wins, 27 by knockout.

He's got a sneaky left
and his right jab's
a Gatling gun.

Oh, Fay!

I didn't know you were
a boxing aficionado.

Well, my first husband fought
Golden Gloves.

I was his corner man.

You actually worked
in the ring?

I didn't mind the language
so much, but the spitting...

Pelletari is my hero.

He and I have a lot in common.
We're Italian,

we come from small villages,

and we both had
hard childhoods.

Of course, in a few years,
I'll still be able
to finish a sentence.

Frasier, I'm going to find
a phone and call home.

Darling, we've only been
gone two hours.

Our little Frederic
is probably still napping,

tucked in the pillow
of Dagmar's bosom.

What is this recent obsession
you have with large breasts?

You're an analyst.
You tell me.

I'll be right back.

Will you be here
or in the parking lot

ogling the headlights?

Hey, Bro!

Tomorrow in the hangar,
the Pickens-Pelletari fight
on big-screen TV!

Oh, you got
a big-screen TV?
Yeah!

What you gonna do,
take it for one day
and then return it?

Are the store owners
the only people who don't know
about this scam?

Attention, Aeromass,
Flight 9,

service from Providence
and New York,

now arriving
at gate number 1.

Oh, I'll bet this is the group
coming over for my seminar.

What kind of seminar?
Low self-esteem.

Yeah, that's uh,
that's my kind of flight.

You lose their luggage,
they think it's their fault.

Frasier, I've just
gotten off the phone
with Dagmar.

Frederic is fine.

Amusing story.

The little dickens was running
through the house naked.

Gee, I wonder
why she doesn't do that
when we're home?

I was talking
about the child.

Oh! Of course you were.

Look dear, it's my group.

Ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'd like to welcome all of you
who have come to board

the Crane Train
to Mental Well-Being.

Woo-woo.

And as a special bonus,

this particular seminar
is being taped
for the home video market.

So, just be open, honest,

and try not to
embarrass yourselves.

With any luck,
by the end of the weekend
you will all be changed,

enlightened,
productive people.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God, it's you!

Yes, you, Dr. Crane!
You ruined my life.

Me?

Frasier, I didn't know
you had any patients
on this island.

You owe me 350 bucks,
you quack!

I went to your stupid seminar
in New York.

I took the Crane Train
straight to hell.

There must be
some mistake here.

There's obviously
some mistake.

Yeah. The mistake was
believing in you.

You took advantage of me.

I-I'm afraid
I don't remember you.

Of course not.
Her breasts are smaller
than beach balls.

Well, I remember you
and your stupid slogan,

"If you can see it,
you can be it."

Oh, what a crock!

He says, "Live the life
of a concert cellist

"and you will become
a concert cellist."
Well, yes, but...

Well, I did.
I got an apartment
that I could not afford.

I bought very nice clothes.

I bought season tickets
to Lincoln Center.

And in two months,
before I'd even had
my first audition,

I was dead broke.

Well, there is
your problem.

You should have moved up
that audition.

I felt so bad about myself,

I wound up slinging suds
at some strip joint.

I want my money back
and I want it now!

I can't do that.
If I did it for you,

I'd have to do it
for hundreds.
It's just policy!

Frasier, if I might make
a suggestion.

I think you should invite
this woman to your seminar.

What?

As a reputable clinician,
you owe it to her

to try and rectify
any damage
you may have created.

Oh, Lilith, please.

Now, you know how I feel
about these seminars.

Yes, dear, I know how you feel
about everything.

That not withstanding,

if you can turn
this non-believer around,

you will have proven that
your psychological program

is on a slightly higher plane

than Richard Simmons'
Sweatin' To The Oldies.

All right.
Against my better judgment,

which has been clouded
by five years of marriage,

I will invite this woman
to partake, gratis,
in my seminar,

if only to give you
an opportunity

to listen
a little more closely
this time!

Fat chance.
I want my money back.

I can't do that.

Well, you're gonna have to.
Doctor, Helen, uh,

if I may?

I know I'm just a cab driver,

but, uh, I--I believe I have
something important to say.

If anyone needs a taxi,
I'm parked right outside.

You have
your self-help program,
I have mine.

This man ruined me.
He ruined me.

WOMAN: What?
All right.
Let's talk about this.

All right, I don't normally
do it, but in this case,
I will negotiate with you.

If you come to the seminar
and you're not completely
satisfied, I will refund

half your money.

Full refund, if my life
is not somehow better
or more fulfilled by going.

Half is a very
generous offer.
Full.

Half.
Full!

Half.
Full!

Listen, sister, you can't put
a price on mental health!
Half, take it or leave it!

All right, I'll do it.

But for one reason.
To prove to
these innocent dupes

that you're nothing
but a big fraud.

And then everybody's gonna
want their money back.

Yes, well...

Don't be late!

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Now that
we've had the introductions,
the fighters are getting

their last minute instructions
from the referee.

MAN: All right! Yeah!

Oh, dear Lord,
I do not ask for much,

world peace,

the love of a good woman
and many children,

but more important
at this moment,

let Vito Pelletari
knock the holy crap
out of this palooka! Amen.

Boy, this big-screen TV
really is something.

Huh. What will the Japanese
think of next?

What makes you think
the Japanese invented
big-screen TV?

I don't. It was just
an idle question.

I don't like the way
Pickens looks.

What is it, Fay?
Does he look sluggish?

Or is he carrying
too much weight? What?

No, I just don't find him
all that attractive.

ANNOUNCER:
Pelletari and Pickens
touch gloves,

return to their corners,
and we're ready
for the opening bell.

Brian, the glare
from the skylight is making it
a little hard to see.

Can you move it
or something?
BRIAN: No problem.

That's why I've got this baby
on a motor.

I can move it
anywhere I want.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Brian, it's unplugged.

JOE: Good one, Brian.

ANNOUNCER: And it's over!
In only six seconds!
This is unbelievable!

Pelletari, with one punch,
has knocked out Carl Pickens!

We have
a new world champion!

We missed it!

(ALL GROANING)

The greatest moment
in Italian history
since they hung Mussolini

at the gas station,
and I missed it!

Oh!

That's that, man.

JOE: Hey, wait a minute.
Don't they have a replay?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Well, I can't... Watch out!

(ALL SHOUTING)
I can't stop it!

Great. Now we missed
the replay, too.

You know, Brian.
I usually consider myself
pretty handy.

But, uh...

Oh, you understand.

Damn!
I still want to see a fight.
I want to see a fight!

I want to see some blood.
I want to see some pain.

I want to see someone
get their face bashed in.

Go with Brian when he tries
to return this TV.

Well, if there's not going to
be a fight, I guess I'll go
over to that seminar,

and check it out,
see how Helen's doing.

Helen and that shrink!
Yeah, that could get ugly.

He looks like a bleeder
and she fights dirty.
Let's go.

I'd like to extend
a warm welcome to all of you,

for what I believe will be
a life-changing
psychological epiphany.

(LAUGHING)
And now...

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All aboard!

The Crane Train
To Mental Well-Being.

Now this train runs
on a very simple principle.

"If you can see it,

"you can be it!"

See it! Be it!

See it! Be it!

See it! Be it! See it! Be it!

Help me people!
We're leaving the station!

See it! Be it!
See it! Be it!

ALL: See it! Be it!
See it! Be it! See it! Be it!

Oh, yeah. We've come
to the right place,
all right.

See it! Be it!
And what does all this mean?

Is it just some slogan
on a T-shirt?

Which, by the way,
are available in the lobby
for $12.95 plus tax. Hardly.

It's a way to a brand new,
rich, fulfilling life.

And the beauty of this program
is that you are responsible
for your own success.

You can do it yourself!
LOWELL: Excuse me.

I'm a little new
to the psychology game.

But, uh, is it just
the T-shirts,

or are you selling the hats
and whistles, too?

Just the shirts.

You need a degree
to blow the whistle.

Now I want you all to take out
a piece of paper

and I want you
to write down

what you want out of life.

I want my money back.

Then I want you to write

what your life will be like
when you achieve that.

I'll have my money back.

Just write it down,
all right?

Now, look at
what you've written

and let me ask you a question.

What is stopping you
from achieving those goals?

You are.
You've got all my money.

You know
it is permissible to have
an unexpressed thought.

Please, Lilith,
I don't need you to defend me.

Frasier, you're wearing
an engineer's hat
and blowing a train whistle.

You need all the help
you can get.

I don't know about
the rest of you,
but so far, I'm not impressed.

Well, let's just dispense
with you right now, missy.

Sit right down here
and let's get
to the bottom of this.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet
Helen Chapel.

She's a sweet,
well-meaning girl

from around these parts,
who was, unfortunately,

derailed in New York.

Let's just take a few minutes
from our agenda

and see if we can get her back
on track, shall we?

So by the time I came back
to Nantucket,

I had no direction, no life,

and worst of all,
no pride in myself.

I was shattered.

But you still make the best
darned French fries
on the island.

Thanks, Lowell.

Not really,
but she needed that.

And you feel that none of this
was your fault?
Your responsibility?

No. I just
followed your advice.

Simple child.

Helen, I didn't tell you
to go to New York.

Did I?

I mean, if it was
so overwhelming for you,
why did you go there

in the first place?
I mean, didn't you know
what that place is like?

Didn't you ever see
Midnight Cowboy?

Well, my life
was going nowhere.

I had just left Joe,

and I decided to pursue
the thing that meant
the most to me, the cello.

You know, all the great...
Wait! Go back a minute!

You broke up with a man?

Well, things weren't going
so well, so, I just...

There was an
unresolved relationship!

Passengers!

This is what we call
a breakthrough!

Helen,
didn't it ever occur to you
that all of your problems

may have been caused
by this break-up with this...

What's his name? Uh, Joe.

Well, yeah. Maybe.
There are no maybes
about it!

I wasn't responsible.
You weren't responsible.

It was Joe's fault!

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, breaking up with Joe
was probably the most
traumatic thing

that had ever happened to me.

That was not my fault!

You're Joe?
Uh-huh.

People, there is a life
outside that airport.

Helen, I am not going to
let you blame me

for what happened to you
in New York.

And I don't like the idea
of you sticking your big nose
in everyone's business.

Hit him, Joe! Hit him!

Perhaps, you'd like to tell us
a little bit about your life.

No. I'm not gonna tell you
anything about my life.

I'm not gonna tell you
anything at all.

My life was fine.
It was great.

I had my own airline, my own
filing system which...

Okay, other people
don't understand, but I do,
and it works for me.

The problems started
when, after not hearing
from my brother for six years,

he comes back, moves in
and shakes up
my entire existence.

There was a little
sibling conflict, you say?

Ah, let's not go past
this tasty little morsel.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
You're not gonna blame
all your problems on me.

Ha! The brother!

I mean, I don't need this.
I've got a big-screen TV
to pay for.

Yeah. 'cause you always
have to be Mr. Bigshot.
Good, good, go with that.

Well, uh, excuse me, but,
uh, it's a little tough being
the brother of the Pope.

Oh, here comes the Pope.

Don't call me the Pope!
I hate it when you call me
the Pope!

That's 'cause
you are the Pope!

Mr. Holier Than Thou,
looking down at everybody
from your Pope perch!

Yeah. You know what--what?
Maybe I am the Pope.

Because only the Pope
would take you in after--
after you ran off with Carol.

Oh! You're not gonna
dredge up that old evergreen
again, are you?

(ALL ARGUING)
Who's Carol?

Carol is Joe's ex-fiancee
and Brian's ex-wife.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Joe, it's Carol.

You never got over Carol.
How could anybody else
have a chance with you

when you're still not over
Carol?
BRIAN: This is true.

Hey, wait. Hey, how can
anyone have a chance with you

when you run off
to New York the first time
things don't go your way?

Oh, shut your fat face.

This is good stuff all,
but if you could just...
Excuse me, butt out.

Hey, that's my train hat!

Just a second... Hey!

You know what steams me?
I don't care.

No, I'm gonna tell you
what steams me.
I don't care.

No, no, no.
This--This--This
"I took you in" garbage.

Like you're doing me
a big favor.

Excuse me. You know,
Joe and I were talking.

You know,
that's like you, Brian.
Always just into yourself.

Self absorbed.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like we haven't heard you tell

the wonderful story about
how you'd be a great cellist
and not a waitress

five billion times.
Oh, Brian.

Joe! Helen! The brother.
Please!

I've got an agenda here
and, uh...

Lilith! What are you doing?
HELEN: Fine.

Making preliminary notes
for an article
which just occurred to me

about how promoting
populist psycho-babble
can ruin a man's career.

I'm just sick of you!
Well, I'm sick of you.

Well, I'm sick
of the both of you!

Please, uh, everyone.
Please--Please stop.

(ALL CLAMORING)

You... You people
are crazy! Crazy!

I can't work like this!

I came here to have
a nice weekend.

To share a few ideas.
A couple of pithy slogans!

I mean, what do you expect
for 350 bucks?

Do you know what's the matter
with you people?

You expect quick fixes.
Easy answers.
Well, there aren't any!

Except one!

You people, need to get away
from each other

and get competent help!

Is that camera running?

Oh, I hope so.
I missed some of
the early stuff.

(ALL CLAMORING)

WOMAN: I want my money back!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right!
Ladies and gentlemen,

you will all receive
full refunds.

And thank you very much
for coming.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Excuse me, Dr. Crane.

You don't have to give me back
my money. I feel great.

I think I feel better
than I have in years.

I--I think I just needed
that emotional release.

You know something?

You're pretty good.

I can't tell you
what that means to me.

Frasier, let's leave here
and continue our vacation.

Oh, Lilith.
Don't look at me that way.
This was not my fault.

If my look is accusatory,
it's strictly habit.

Let's go, dear.

Well, it wasn't my fault!

You know, I think
I'm on to something there,
Lilith.

"Don't blame yourself.
It's the other guy's fault!"

Come, Frasier.
"It's the other guys fault."

Well, I don't know about
the psychological foundations,

but I could sure see it,
on a T-shirt.

Look, Brian, uh,

I'm sorry.
I said some things...

Forget it. We all
said some things.

You know, it's okay.
We just had a big
spring cleaning.

We got rid of a lot of stuff
that's been hanging around
for years.

Yeah, boy, that's the truth.
Come on.
I'll buy us all dinner.

Great. A-A-And maybe
by the time we're finished
eating, uh,

the police will have found
those vandals, huh?

Vandals?
What vandals?

The ones that broke into
the hangar and smashed
the big-screen TV.

Joe, Joe! If you want to see
a championship fight,
there's still a chance.

What are you talking about?

I was just showing
Dr. Crane and his wife
to my cab.

I said, "Where to?" He said,
"Home to Dagmar."

And the lady
bloodied his nose
with the train whistle.

Five bucks on Morticia.
She's scrawny but she's quick.