Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 15 - This Old House - full transcript

Morning, Roy.

(GREETING IN ITALIAN)

My, my, what's with
the "buongiorno"?

Well, I'm-- I'm studying
Italian from a tape.

I'm thinkin' of going
to Venice this summer.

Venice? You're going
to Venice, Italy?

Yeah, why not?
I hear it's a beautiful city.

Oh, it is.

Except for what's happening
to the turkeys.

What're you talkin' about?

What's happenin'
to the turkeys?



Turkey worm.

Makes them, how you say,
foam at the mouth.

It's-- It's no big deal.

When they attack,
you just kick them
into the canal.

Some days, uh,
you kick 30, 40 turkeys
in before lunch.

It's quite a sight.
Millions of turkeys floating
under the Bridge of Sighs.

Foaming and bloating
and reeking.

Well, maybe I'll just see
America first.

I didn't know there were
turkeys in Venice, Antonio.

There aren't.

And we want to
keep it that way.

ANNOUNCER: In tonight's
top story,

storms continue to pummel
the North Atlantic seaboard.

On Nantucket, where the worst
of the storm is over,



flooding, power blackouts,
and near hurricane-force winds

have turned
this normally tranquil island
into a disaster area.

Many boats have
been beached.

Several homes have been
washed into the sea,

and many of the local streets
are under as much as
a foot of water.

People hoping to escape
the destruction on the island

have had their plans
complicated by the closing
of the local airport.

(WIND HOWLING)

The power still out, Roy?

No, it's Thomas Edison's
birthday

so we gave
all our light bulbs
the day off.

You know, Roy,
sarcasm is the lowest form
of humor.

(CHUCKLES)
That's a good one, though.

What's the word
from the tower, Fay?

They're still not letting
anyone fly.

Yeah, well, I can't say
I'm surprised.

That was the roughest storm
I can remember.

Winds up to
80 miles an hour.

Thank God,
the worst of it's over.

Oh, I know
to my dying day

I'll regret choosing
last night to give
my parakeet his freedom.

What happened to him?

The last I saw he was
headed for Canada.

Backwards.

Well, at least we got
our plane in the hangar
on time.

What about you, Roy?

No, I lost one plane.

Oh, Roy, I'm sorry!
That's terrible.

No, not really.

It was old, worn out,
insured for twice its value.

(LAUGHING)

That reminds me,
I have to call my mother.

(EXCLAIMS)

Thanks to the power failure,
practically everything
in my fridge is spoiled.

Are you sure? Let me, uh,
taste that for you.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Clam chowder, right?

No, whipped cream.

Hey, listen,
while you're at it,
do you mind tasting that?

Oh, not at all.

Mmm, good tapioca.

No, bad mayo.

So, uh, how'd
your boat fare
in the storm, Lowell?

Storm washed it
clean up on shore.

Ended up in the middle
of the high school
parking lot.

I'm sorry, Lowell,
I don't mean to
take this lightly,

but it's kind of
a funny picture.
A boat in a parking lot.

No, not to me.

After all, it's where
I've eaten, slept, laughed,
cried, made love.

Can't they repair
your boat?

No, I was talking
about the parking lot.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, Antonio.
Hey.

Hi. I've just been
driving around the island.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Trees uprooted,
front lawns ripped up,
fence posts snapped in two.

Oh, it sounds terrible.

Yeah, that's just the damage
I did trying to
stay on the road.

It's windy out there.

Hey, try this one.
I'm almost sure
it's rancid.

Mmm.

Antonio, did you notice
any other property damage
around the island?

Oh, oh, yes, yes, uh,
the roof blew off
42 Beach Road.

Uh, 58 Oyster Pond
lost their chimney.

Uh, 427 Madaket Way
has been condemned. Uh...

427 Madaket Way?

What happened to 427?

The--The ocean has eroded
all the land around it.

It's about to fall
into the sea.

That's the house
that Brian and I grew up in.

Well, kiss it goodbye,
Hackett. The Town Council
condemned it this morning.

It's no big deal.

It's been vacant
for a couple of years.

No, it is a big deal.

It's my old house.

Well, you didn't see me cry
when they tore down the house
where I spent my childhood.

That's because it was
a House of Pancakes, Roy.

There's a chain of them.

Oh, of all the days
to over-mousse.

Don't hate me
'cause I'm beautiful.

Listen, uh,
I got some bad news.

The old house
over on Madaket
has been condemned.

It's falling into the sea.
What're you talkin' about?

The ocean's like
a block away
from that house.

Not after this storm.

God, I hate to see
the place go.

I mean, I practically spent
more time at your house
than I did my own.

Why don't we all
go over and take
a look at the place?

I mean, we're not
doin' anything
around here anyway.

I'm in.
Yeah, let's do that.

Helen, what is the special
of the day? I'm starving.

Clam chowder and tapioca.
Here, have this.

Wow!

Wow, would you look
at this place?

What's it been,
15 years?

Oh, at least.
It's really strange
being back here, boy.

Yeah, that cliche
is really true.

Everything seems smaller
when you go back.

Yeah, even our bedroom.

Oh, my God,
would you look at this?

No wonder they
condemned this place.

The water's practically
up to the foundation.

Yeah. It really is
too bad, you know.

A lot of great
childhood memories
wrapped up in this place.

Yeah, I'll say.
Remember the day
we moved in?

How happy we were
to live in a real house?

Brian, Joe,
come in here.

Don't you wanna see
your lovely new home?

Why do we have to
move here anyway?

The old apartment was fun.

Yeah, that's where
all our friends are.

Ah, we really loved
this place.

Dumb house.

Hey, we had a great room,
remember?

Well, wait'll you boys
see your bedroom.

Why can't we each
have a room?

Because that other room
is for when your Aunt Sarah
comes to visit.

I remember
you always had
relatives here.

Oh, I envied that.

I hate Aunt Sarah.

She smells like Play-Doh.

Here's the best part, boys.

The ocean's
in walking distance.

(LAUGHING) Pretty neat,
eh, Joey?

I'll say.

Close enough for convenience,
yet far enough for safety.

Remind me someday
to tell you what
childhood was like.

You know, I remember
seeing you all over here
that first day,

but, you know, I thought
it was undignified for a girl
to approach two boys.

Hi, I'm Helen Chapel.
Wanna wrestle?

Yeah, as I recall
I was goin' through
kind of a bashful stage.

Yeah.

Boy, are you fat!

How'd you like to lose
your looks, pretty boy?

I was pretty shy myself.

Come on, boys,
let's let the movers
get started, okay?

Yeah, this is where
it all began.

The beginning
of a life-long friendship.
Hmm.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hmm. Man, I'm real sorry
to see this place torn down.

You know,
I feel the same way.

Yeah, me, too.

Brian, you know,
this house sits
on a pretty big lot.

Maybe, uh, if we could find
some way to get it moved back,
we could save it.

What for?
We already have a house.

I don't know. It's just...
It seems like someone
ought to live here.

I mean, it's a great place
for kids to grow up.

Well, fine. They're gonna
tear it down tomorrow.

Hey, you know what?
Fay's a member
of the Historical Society.

Uh, uh, maybe she could,
you know, find some angle
and buy us some time.

You know what?

It's worth a shot.

You know
what else?

We better hurry.

Listen, Lowell, I hope
you didn't have any,
you know, ill effects

from what you ate here
the other day.

No, can't say
as I did, Helen.

Pretty much followed
my usual routine.

Watched a little TV,
took off my shoes,
threw up, went to bed.

Wait a minute.
That's your usual routine?

Throw up
and then go to bed?

Yes, I've found that
to be far and away
the best sequence.

Oh, hey, Brian,
here she is.

Hey, Fay, Fay.
Fay, Fay.

Fay, did you ask
the Historical Society about,
uh, saving our old house?

Well, we've been
researching it, but so far
there's just no reason

to declare it a landmark.

Damn.

Oh, hey, Roy,
did you have any luck
tryin' to convince

the Town Council
to save our old house?

Sorry, guys. Sorry.

As much as I pleaded
with the other
Council members,

the vote came out
three to two against you.

(HELEN AND JOE GROANING)

Well,
thanks for trying, Roy.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank the two chumps
who voted for you.

By tomorrow morning,
the wrecking crew is gonna

turn that place
into toothpicks.

Thanks for your sympathy, Roy.
Why don't you just go over
and dynamite the place?

Well, Roy likes to save
his dynamite for fishing.

Thanks.

You know, back in Italy
in my village, when a house
is about to be destroyed,

the family goes back
one last time
to say goodbye.

It's like bidding
a fond farewell
to a beloved family member.

Maybe to you
it would seem stupid.

We ought to do that.

Did I mention
that in the tradition, uh,

you must make the journey
only by cab?

Did I mention
that the storm is
killing my business?

I guess I did.

You know, actually,
that could be
a cool thing.

Yeah, I think
we ought to do it.

We ought to go over
and give the old gal
a real send-off.

I'll even pick up
a bottle of champagne.
All right, sounds good.

Oh, that's romantic.

It reminds me
of a story I read,

where these two doomed lovers
are marooned on a coral reef,

and they drink champagne,
and shower kisses
on each other,

vowing to take
their passion with them,
while the violent sea

rises steadily around them,
threatening to sweep them
into a watery grave.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Just get a six-pack.

Remember how mad
Brian used to get when
we played hide-and-seek?

Oh, yeah.

He'd hide in the closet
and we'd go over to
your house and watch TV.

You did that?
HELEN: Mmm-hmm.

I just thought
I was really good.

I'm really glad
you came along, Helen.

Hey, it's been really nice
spending a quiet moment
with two very dear friends.

I heard somethin'
about free beer?

And Lowell.

Ooh, bottles and cans.
Party!

Oh, wow!

Look, that scratch
on the ceiling is still there.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
because every year
our dad would buy a tree

that was too tall.

That little angel
on top of the tree
was developing a hunchback.

Hey, hey, do you
remember that winter
we got our sleds?

Oh, yeah! We spent
the whole day goin' up
and down Suicide Hill.

BRIAN: Suicide Hill.

Ah, never forget
that day.

Yeah, they just can't take
childhood memories like those
away from you.

Lowell, you weren't there.
We didn't even know you then.

I guess they can take
childhood memories like that
away from you.

(CLATTERING)

What is that?

Someone's upstairs!

W-W-Wait--Wait,
maybe it's a prowler.

Hey, who's up there?

ROY: It's me, Roy.

Get down here, Roy.
There's a prowler up there.

Roy, what're you
doin' here?

I might ask you
the exact same question.

You know,
this place is being
torn down tomorrow.

Well, look it here!

He's looting
all the fixtures. Ha!

I prefer
the term "recycle".

Besides, I'm just protecting
the environment.

Oh, give me a break, Roy.

Hey, this dump could go
into the ocean any minute,

and a dolphin could
choke on that.

Oh! Hey!

Beer. Do you mind?

Help yourself.
Don't mind if I do.

Got sent to your room
again, huh?

Our room.

Brings back memories,
doesn't it?

(SHUDDERS)
Yeah, I'll say.

Hmm, this is
where it all began!

Who'd have thought that
from such humble beginnings

two brothers would
strike out into the world,
and end up, well,

basically,
striking out in the world?

(POUNDING)

What're you doing?

Looking for my secret
compartment. Yeah...

You had
a secret compartment?

You bet.
Here it is.

What is it?
Oh, yeah,
they're still here!

Here they are.

Oh, get out of here!
Playboys?

You had Playboys in here
during my impressionable
childhood?

And you hogged them?

Ooh, wow, get a load
of the top shelf
on Miss September 1971.

Crystal Smith.

You remembered that name
for 20 years?

Miss Smith, a 20-year-old
graduate from Kansas State
University, former Rockette,

Radio City Music Hall.

And I'm a little foggy
on this, Joe, but I believe
her biggest turnoffs are

guys who are rude
and war.

All right, okay,
so you knew about these, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
You bought your own.

I just read Dad's.

What else you got
in here, huh?
No, no, nothing.

What else?
I'd have had more...
No, there's nothing else.

What is this?
No, they're nothing.

Come on, let's get goin'
back downstairs.
What is...

Captain Kangaroo?

Huh?

These are
the letters I wrote
to Captain Kangaroo,

that you were supposed
to have mailed, Joe.

I was just tryin' to keep you
from makin' a fool
out of yourself.

You said some pretty...
Some pretty dumb things
in those letters.

Man, I tell you,
every morning,
every morning I watched him,

and I--I waited and hoped

that he would mention
one of them on the air,

or maybe even share one
of them with Mr. Green Jeans
or Bunny Rabbit,

and he never did.

And now we know why,
don't we, Joe?

Man, and I feel like
a total idiot.

That time I bumped into him
in New York City
and flipped him off.

Get over it, Brian.

(BRIAN GROANING)

And pretty soon
I just became totally,
totally disillusioned,

totally cynical.

My hero had let me down.

And--And it was
this betrayal
that was the root

of all my attitude problems.

You know, my inability
to commit, every failure
that I ever had.

Oh yeah, right.

You washed out
of the space program

'cause I didn't
mail your letters
to Captain Kangaroo.

I hope you're satisfied.

I was just tryin'
to protect you.
Yeah, you keep saying that.

Yeah, you know, I was always
tryin' to protect you,
and you didn't even know it.

Why do you think I drew
that line down the middle
of the room, huh?

Yeah, I know why.
I know why.

So you could keep me
on my side of the room,

so I wouldn't play
with your stupid
model airplanes.

I wanted to keep you
on that side of the room

so that you wouldn't hear
Mom and Dad fighting
through this wall.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I heard 'em fine
right over here.

Until the end.

I remember when Mom
finally left, I used to sit
over there in that window

and watch for her,

but I knew
she wasn't coming back.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Joe, what're you doing?

Nothin'.

You're waiting for Mom
to come back, aren't you?

No. Now go finish
your homework, butthead.

She is coming back,
isn't she?

Didn't I tell you
she was?

Okay, if you believe it,
I believe it.

Yeah.

I never really believed
she was coming back either.

Although, one night I saw
someone walkin' in the hall
wearin' her nightgown.

I was so excited,

till I realized it was Dad.

Yeah, that was
when we first started
to realize

that Dad wasn't playing
with a full deck.

It wasn't too long after that,
that they found him down
at McDonald's Playland,

fast asleep in the arms
of Mayor McCheese.

Sure are some great memories
you're rakin' up here, bro.

What, what are these
great memories we're tryin'
to hang on to anyway?

I mean, our parents fought
all the time.

Mom left us.
Dad went nuts.

This place sucks.

Yeah, dumb house.

Oh, that felt great.

Oh, you're right!
It did! This is great!

This is what we should have
been doing the whole time!

Oh, you're right!

(JOE SCREAMING)

Oh, man, this is...
I've never felt so good
in this house! Ever!

Why should we let
the wrecking ball
have all the fun?

(GLASS BREAKING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

hold it, hold it, hold it.
Oh, I was just gettin'
into it. What're you...?

You're on my side
of the room.

What's goin' on?

We're demolishing
our childhood home.

Well, hell, I'm gonna
give you a hand.

I've got a sledgehammer
and a chain saw
in my truck.

Neat. Playboy!

Wow, beer,
wanton destruction,
naked women.

Reminds me
of my sister's
sweet-sixteen party.

All right, everybody.

Grab a weapon
and pick your spot.

Yeah!

(IMITATING HIS MOTHER'S VOICE)
Are you boys playing ball
in the living room?

Well, no, Ma,
I'm just playing
a little game of golf.

(THUDDING)

Oh, Joseph, are those
your fingerprints
on the window?

Oh, don't worry, Dad,
I'll get rid of them.

You know, at my house,

we usually play
"rock, paper, scissors"
for the chain saw.

Any-Any-Anybody?

Get it, Lowell.
It's all yours, bro.

(WHOOPS)
All right.

(GLASS SMASHING)

HELEN: Oh, I can't believe
you're doing this.

Can't men ever work out
their emotions without
smashing and breaking things?

Oh, lighten up, lady.

Have a little fun
for once in your life.
Go on.

(CHAIN SAW BUZZING)

You're right.
That is fun.

Damn it, Helen,
not all that stuff
came from this house.

(CRASHING)

Oh, oh, I've had enough.

You had enough?

Yeah, I've had enough.

ROY: Me, too.

(EXHALING) Boy,
we beat this place up
pretty good, didn't we?

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, I destroyed
the kitchen.

And I dedicate the victory
to all the little chubby girls
everywhere.

Well, let's call it a night.
Where's Lowell?

He's, uh, upstairs,
still workin'.

(CHAIN SAW BUZZING)

Remember those cartoons
where the character saws
a hole in the floor

around himself?

Even Lowell wouldn't be
dumb enough to stand
in the middle of it.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Hey, what're you guys
doin' up here?

Great news, boys...

What in the world?

Oh, we're just, uh,
gettin' a little head start
on the demolition.

Yeah.

Oh, well, we've
got a problem.

The Historical Society
voted to preserve this house.

(GASPING)

What?
Well, it's-- it's
a little late.

What made them
change their minds?

Well, it--it turns out
that Herman Melville
once rented a room here.

Who knows? He could have been
working on Moby-Dick
right up...there.

Are you saying we just
destroyed a landmark?

What do you mean "we"?
I was at the movies
all night.

I was home
doing my hair.

Might wanna consult
a professional next time,
Helen.

Joe, Brian,
see you guys downstairs.

(SIGHING)

Well, Joey, ahem,
take a last look around.

Home, sweet home.

Wanna know
what the best part is?

We never have to see
this place again
as long as we live.

MRS. HACKETT:
Come on down, boys.

LITTLE JOE: Boy, our new room
is gonna be great.

Yeah, this house
is much better
than the old apartment.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, here we are.

Our first dinner
in our new home.

Yeah, I've got a good feelin'
about this place, boys.

Yeah.

I think we're
gonna be happy here
for a long, long time.