Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 2 - Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...? - full transcript
Following Helen's damage to his office, Joe tries to get her to pay for the damages. When she refuses, Joe decides to sue her.
Gosh and gollies,
what is the world
coming to?
Listen to this.
It says here, "15 percent
of the American public
"would rather watch television
than have sex."
Fifteen... Yeah, yeah,
I'd buy that. Yeah.
You know,
maybe you're, uh,
you're too tired
or she's too, uh...
What's a nice way
to put this?
Ugly.
The words "too tired"
aren't in my vocabulary.
And, frankly, Roy,
I don't think
the words "too ugly"
should be in yours.
Hey, Lowell.
Lowell, would you
rather watch television
or have sex?
Buy me dinner
and the choice is yours.
(SIGHING)
You know I was kidding,
right?
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
Hey, Joe. Uh, do you
know the number
for the club car?
What am I, information?
Just look it up.
Thanks, pal.
Hey, I really like
what you've done
with that wall.
What have you done
with that wall?
How could Helen
do this to me?
How could she
just drive her jeep
through my office?
Ah, let's see.
You ask her
to come back
to Nantucket,
you lead her to believe
that you're still
in love with her,
and then she finds out
you're involved
with another woman.
Let's see if we can piece
this mystery together.
Does that justify
her destroying
my private property?
No, but I salute
her sense of whimsy.
(IMITATING DOOR OPENING)
Ta-ta, darling.
(IMITATING DOOR CLOSING)
Okay, okay, Lowell,
I'll ask.
Joe, have you decided
who you're going to hire
to rebuild the office?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, good, because Lowell's
been pestering me all day
to see if you
accepted his bid.
(POWER DRILL WHIRRING)
I think he's ready.
I'm not giving Lowell
the job.
You're not?
No.
Look, if I needed
an engine rebuilt,
Lowell would be
the first person I'd call.
But this is finished
carpentry work.
I'm going with John Livings.
He's very experienced,
very reliable.
Well, before you break
the news to Lowell,
I'd take away
his power tools.
Fay, you know how I've been
meaning to start delegating
more authority around here?
No.
Well, I'm starting now.
You tell Lowell
he didn't get the job.
Me?
Absolutely.
It's--It's always easier
hearing bad news
from you, Fay.
Maybe it's your gentle voice,
or your sweet smile.
And the fact that
you're a big weenie?
The biggest.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Is that your cab
out front?
Signore, just because
I have the look
of a simple man
with nothing to do
and no place to go,
you assume I am
a common cab driver
waiting for a fare?
Uh, yes.
Good, then it's working.
Antonio Scarpacci,
at your service.
Best cab on the island.
You need a ride,
I'm your man.
Great.
Can you drive me into town?
Sorry, I'm off duty.
So, you decided
to go with someone else.
Yeah, Lowell, look,
it's not that I don't...
Ah, save it, Joe.
I know you don't have
any faith in my work.
Lowell, get
the hell out there
and fix my altimeter,
or I'll can
your lazy butt!
At least Roy
appreciates me.
Helen? Well, look,
I want you to know that
I understand
the frustration
that led you to drive
through my office,
and I am really sorry
I didn't tell you
about me and Gail.
I never intended to hurt you.
Well, that's very considerate
of you, Joe.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, I'll just
leave you with this
and you can
get it back to me
whenever it's convenient.
What--What is this?
It's what you owe me
for the damage.
What I owe you?
Don't you have insurance?
Oh, of course I do,
but I think it's only right
that you pay the deductible.
A thousand dollar deductible?
What's your monthly premium,
19 cents?
Look, you're lucky
that I'm not asking you
to pay for the whole thing.
No, you're lucky
all I did was
plow through your office.
I could have come gunning
for your scrawny little hide.
Oh, well, gee, I guess
I should be thankful
that, uh, you're just
a jealous harpy
and not a homicidal maniac.
Guess you should be.
Look, Helen, I don't want
to have this argument.
I just want my money.
Too bad.
I'm not gonna pay you.
You have to.
Says who?
Says me.
You're responsible.
I don't care.
I'm not gonna pay you.
That's not fair.
So?
I want my money
and I want it now!
Sit on it and twirl.
Hey, why do you fight
with such a beautiful woman?
Because she owes me money.
Joe, Joe. Joe!
Never loan money
to a former lover.
Never!
That money you loan her,
kiss it goodbye.
Ah, there it goes,
fly away like a little bird.
Bye-bye.
No, I--I didn't
loan her money.
She destroyed my office.
I'm trying to get her
to pay for the damage.
Well, you will not get it
by screaming
and yelling at her.
You must speak softly
and respectfully.
Treat her like
the delicate flower
that she is.
(LAUGHING)
Helen would laugh
in my face.
Then you must sue her.
What?
Yes, sue her.
Take her to court.
Next to baseball,
it's America's favorite sport.
Antonio, there's no way.
I'm not gonna sue her.
Joe, you remember
the restaurant
I used to work in?
One night, a man dining there
choked on a chicken bone.
(IMITATING CHOKING)
A lawsuit was filed,
cost the restaurant
half a million dollars.
Wow, he must've had
a good lawyer.
But a lousy paramedic.
He died.
But his wife now drives
a brand new Lamborghini.
I hear a chicken bone hangs
from the rear view mirror.
You see, that is the problem
with our society.
People think that
they have to go to court
to settle their differences.
But Helen and I are friends.
And we're gonna settle this
as friends.
Now you watch.
She's gonna come to her senses
and meet her responsibilities.
Hey, Helen! Helen?
What?
Look, now that you've had
a few minutes to cool down,
how'd you like
to write me that check?
You want a check?
There's your money.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Helen,
I can't even read
who this is made out to.
What's this last word here?
Hole.
I'll have her spleen
on a plate.
It's the American way.
Fay!
What is it, Joe?
How am I supposed
to run an airline
when I don't even
have an office here?
And that stupid contractor
started this job
three days ago,
and he hasn't
been back since.
Where the hell is he?
Oh, uh, that's right.
With all my
new responsibilities,
I forgot to tell you.
He's on Martha's Vineyard.
Something about Carly Simon
needing some work done
on her beach house.
Oh, great.
I got dumped for a celebrity.
Oh, no, Joe,
it's not like that at all.
Well, when is he coming back?
I don't know.
After that he's doing
Walter Cronkite's sun deck.
This guy's very much
in demand.
You're really lucky
to have him.
I don't have him.
Carly and Walter have him.
Well, I guess I'm going to
ask Lowell to finish the job.
Well, that might not be
as easy as you think.
I mean, Lowell does have
his pride.
(SCOFFING)
Oh, come on, Fay.
We're talking about someone
known around the island
as "The Man
Who'll Eat Anything
for a Quarter."
Fifty cents,
if it's still wriggling.
Hi, Lowell.
Can't really talk now, Joe.
I'm working
on Helen's jeep here.
Apparently, I was
good enough for her.
Well, look,
you're good enough
for me, too.
How'd you like
to rebuild my office?
Well, well, well.
Look who comes crawling back
to good old Lowell.
I admit it.
I made a mistake.
Oh, yes, you did.
Lowell, you don't have to
make this any harder for me
than it already is.
Oh, yes, I do.
You hurt me, Joe.
Lowell, I'm sorry...
No, I mean really hurt me.
Is this about money?
Yes, it is.
Well, go ahead.
Name your price.
$50,000.
$2,000.
All right, we're bargaining.
I like that.
$20,000.
Lowell, I can really
only afford $2,000.
Oh, you're a shrewd one,
Joe Hackett.
$5,000.
$2,000.
Joe, you got to give me
something here.
Okay.
$2,000 and a new hat.
Done! Ha!
Well, it's nice
doing business with you, Joe.
Hey, Brian,
how was the flight?
I'm not telling.
You'll just have to watch
the news tonight.
Good, good.
Listen, do me a favor.
Give this to Helen.
Uh, this is a subpoena.
You're gonna sue her?
JOE: I'm just taking her
to small claims court.
That's--That's nice, Joe,
real nice.
Hey, $1,000
is a lot of money.
I've gotta get it back
somehow.
Well, you give her
the subpoena.
No, I can't.
The law says someone else
has to give it to her.
Well, don't look at me.
You find some other flunky
to do your dirty work.
Uh, Fay?
Is my job
on the line?
Yes.
Fine. I'll finish the day
and pick up my check
in the morning.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
I'll get-- I'll get
someone else to do it.
Hey, way to stand up
to the boss man, Fay.
I was bluffing.
Give me that, Hackett.
I'll be your delivery boy.
Do you know what to do?
Oh, sure.
I served a subpoena
to my mother once.
You sued your own mother?
No, I just served her.
Dad made me.
See, the trick is
with these things
you got to surprise
the subpoenee.
Not let 'em see
what's coming.
Observe.
Hey, Helen?
Yeah.
How about a nice,
cool glass of lemonade, huh?
Sure, Roy.
Here you go.
What's this?
It's a subpoena, toots.
You can consider yourself
served.
So can you.
How could you
do this to me, Joe?
I tried to reason with you
and you wouldn't listen.
I had no choice.
We've been friends
for 20 years.
I know, but...
You know I don't have
that kind of money.
I lost all my savings
in New York.
I'm barely scraping by
as it is.
Well, look, you know,
you don't have to pay me
all at once.
We can agree on some kind
of installment plan.
You hit me with this when
I'm at a really low point.
I realize that's it's not...
I don't have
a professional life.
I don't have a social life.
I don't have anything.
Helen, maybe we both need...
I was just angry and upset.
I didn't mean
to hurt anybody.
Uh, Helen, I--I...
Maybe I did overreact,
and I should have taken
into account your, uh,
situation and everything.
Why--Why don't I
just drop this case
and we'll move on
from here?
Really, Joe?
Yeah, really.
Thank you.
You don't know
what this means to me.
Hey, no problem.
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
Hey, hey! I saw that!
Saw what?
That little smile of yours.
I saw your reflection
in the glass.
I was just so happy.
No, that wasn't a happy smile.
That was an "I've got you
wrapped around
my little finger" smile.
(CRYING) Oh, Joe...
Oh, cut it out!
You're not playing me
for a sucker.
I'll see you in court.
All right!
You want to sue me
for $1,000?
Yes, I do!
Hey, why stop there?
Why not just run
the total up a bit?
Hey, hey, hey!
What--What'd that bring
the total to?
Uh, about $1,100.
And you are just
throwing money away
because you don't have a case.
Well, good.
Why not just have
a little fun then?
Hey, wait! Uh...
$1,140, $1,170...
Fay, what did I pay
for that antique
picture frame?
FAY: $75.
$1,245!
No, no!
Don't you even
think about it.
That is priceless.
60 bucks!
That brings the total
to $1,305,
and that will run you
$225, missy.
And then she very calmly
and unemotionally
drove her jeep into my hangar
and smashed through my office.
And you feel
this was intentional?
Yes, Your Honor.
It was a malicious
and completely unprovoked act.
Well, given your version
of events,
and Miss Chapel's failure
to appear and defend herself,
I must find...
Your Honor!
Helen Chapel appearing
before the court.
Wait now, hold on one minute!
What is this?
You're late, Miss Chapel.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I had a hard time
getting here.
I'm not used to
these crutches.
Oh, who do you think
you're fooling with this act?
Quiet, Mr. Hackett.
My apologies.
HELEN: Thank you.
The court was unaware
of your condition.
Oh, what condition,
Your Honor?
She has pulled
this kind of thing before.
She's a known scam artist.
Shame on you,
Helen Chapel!
If I might explain...
JOE: Oh, give me a break!
She's playing you
for a sucker, Judge.
I assure you
that my injuries are real...
Oh, for God's sakes,
she's faking it to gain
the court's sympathy.
Stick a pin in her leg.
I'm injured, you idiot,
not paralyzed.
Yeah, sure you are.
Make her dance.
See if she'll dance
under oath.
Mr. Hackett!
Your Honor,
I can barely stand.
As a matter of fact,
I'm feeling
a little lightheaded.
Would you be more comfortable
sitting down?
Yes, I would. Thank you.
No, wait!
Hold on one second.
You're not buying this,
are you? Wait a second.
If it please the court
Joe...
...may I present exhibit A?
Ow!
Mr. Hackett!
And exhibit B.
(EXCLAIMING)
That will be enough!
(SCREAMING)
Come on!
Get up! Get up!
Let's go, stand up.
I rest my case.
Hey, Joe, Joe!
What are you doing here?
Well, uh, Helen said she's
gonna be a little late.
She called
from the emergency room.
Apparently, she fell down
her front steps.
Banged herself up
pretty bad.
Oh, God.
Helen, I am so sorry.
I had no idea...
Don't touch me!
Oh, good, Helen,
you got here.
Hey, stand up, honey.
Judge can't see you.
Well, what do you think,
Fay?
It's phenomenal, Lowell.
It looks just like it was.
Oh, it is.
I found
a really old photograph
of the office,
and I matched everything
exactly,
right down
to the last detail.
That must have been
very difficult.
Hardest part was
finding a calendar from 1952.
Hey, guys.
Joe, how'd it go
in court?
Well, I, uh,
you know,
won.
BRIAN:
Oh, don't be so modest.
With the exception of that
contempt of court glitch,
I'd say you had quite a day
before the bar, big guy.
Well, how was I supposed
to know that Helen fell down
those stairs?
Those crutches
should have been
your first clue.
Rule of thumb, Joe,
never beat up a cripple.
You beat up Helen?
No, I just
pushed her down
and poked her
with her crutch a little.
Gee, Joe, I'm surprised
you didn't have me
do it for you.
So, Joe, what do you think
of the office?
Oh, hey!
Hey, nice job, Lowell.
This is really first-rate
craftsmanship.
I am impressed.
You know, I've been thinking
about putting a sort of deck
on the back of the house.
What do you think
something like that
would cost?
$50,000.
Why don't we just
forget it, Lowell?
We'll talk about it later.
Lowell, is my jeep ready yet?
Yeah, it's right out here
in the hangar, Helen.
Thank you.
Um, how much do I owe you?
$50,000...
Lowell.
Hey, someday somebody's
gonna go for it.
Here's a check for $100.
If it's all right with you,
I'd like to pay you
once a month
for the next 10 months.
Look, Helen,
I--I--I feel
really terrible
about what happened
in court today.
Why don't we just forget this?
Oh, no, you don't!
On top of it all,
you don't get to be noble,
Joe.
Just take it.
I just want this thing
to be over with.
Well, all right,
if it'll make you happy.
It will.
Good. That's done.
(SIGHS)
I don't want to ever,
ever hear anything else
about it.
And you won't.
Not from me, anyway.
But, you know
what's interesting?
I think we both learned
a very important lesson today.
You learned that we can't
be ruled by our emotions,
that no good ever comes
from violence.
And that each of us
has to be held responsible
for our actions.
And I learned that
we have a damned fine
legal system.
Oh, come on, I'm kidding.
Where's your sense of humor?
You used to have one,
you know.
Hey, I guarantee that
someday we'll look back
on this and laugh.
(JOE LAUGHS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HELEN LAUGHING)
Look there!
I'm laughin' already.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Joe, I'm writing down
a figure.
what is the world
coming to?
Listen to this.
It says here, "15 percent
of the American public
"would rather watch television
than have sex."
Fifteen... Yeah, yeah,
I'd buy that. Yeah.
You know,
maybe you're, uh,
you're too tired
or she's too, uh...
What's a nice way
to put this?
Ugly.
The words "too tired"
aren't in my vocabulary.
And, frankly, Roy,
I don't think
the words "too ugly"
should be in yours.
Hey, Lowell.
Lowell, would you
rather watch television
or have sex?
Buy me dinner
and the choice is yours.
(SIGHING)
You know I was kidding,
right?
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
Hey, Joe. Uh, do you
know the number
for the club car?
What am I, information?
Just look it up.
Thanks, pal.
Hey, I really like
what you've done
with that wall.
What have you done
with that wall?
How could Helen
do this to me?
How could she
just drive her jeep
through my office?
Ah, let's see.
You ask her
to come back
to Nantucket,
you lead her to believe
that you're still
in love with her,
and then she finds out
you're involved
with another woman.
Let's see if we can piece
this mystery together.
Does that justify
her destroying
my private property?
No, but I salute
her sense of whimsy.
(IMITATING DOOR OPENING)
Ta-ta, darling.
(IMITATING DOOR CLOSING)
Okay, okay, Lowell,
I'll ask.
Joe, have you decided
who you're going to hire
to rebuild the office?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, good, because Lowell's
been pestering me all day
to see if you
accepted his bid.
(POWER DRILL WHIRRING)
I think he's ready.
I'm not giving Lowell
the job.
You're not?
No.
Look, if I needed
an engine rebuilt,
Lowell would be
the first person I'd call.
But this is finished
carpentry work.
I'm going with John Livings.
He's very experienced,
very reliable.
Well, before you break
the news to Lowell,
I'd take away
his power tools.
Fay, you know how I've been
meaning to start delegating
more authority around here?
No.
Well, I'm starting now.
You tell Lowell
he didn't get the job.
Me?
Absolutely.
It's--It's always easier
hearing bad news
from you, Fay.
Maybe it's your gentle voice,
or your sweet smile.
And the fact that
you're a big weenie?
The biggest.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Is that your cab
out front?
Signore, just because
I have the look
of a simple man
with nothing to do
and no place to go,
you assume I am
a common cab driver
waiting for a fare?
Uh, yes.
Good, then it's working.
Antonio Scarpacci,
at your service.
Best cab on the island.
You need a ride,
I'm your man.
Great.
Can you drive me into town?
Sorry, I'm off duty.
So, you decided
to go with someone else.
Yeah, Lowell, look,
it's not that I don't...
Ah, save it, Joe.
I know you don't have
any faith in my work.
Lowell, get
the hell out there
and fix my altimeter,
or I'll can
your lazy butt!
At least Roy
appreciates me.
Helen? Well, look,
I want you to know that
I understand
the frustration
that led you to drive
through my office,
and I am really sorry
I didn't tell you
about me and Gail.
I never intended to hurt you.
Well, that's very considerate
of you, Joe.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, I'll just
leave you with this
and you can
get it back to me
whenever it's convenient.
What--What is this?
It's what you owe me
for the damage.
What I owe you?
Don't you have insurance?
Oh, of course I do,
but I think it's only right
that you pay the deductible.
A thousand dollar deductible?
What's your monthly premium,
19 cents?
Look, you're lucky
that I'm not asking you
to pay for the whole thing.
No, you're lucky
all I did was
plow through your office.
I could have come gunning
for your scrawny little hide.
Oh, well, gee, I guess
I should be thankful
that, uh, you're just
a jealous harpy
and not a homicidal maniac.
Guess you should be.
Look, Helen, I don't want
to have this argument.
I just want my money.
Too bad.
I'm not gonna pay you.
You have to.
Says who?
Says me.
You're responsible.
I don't care.
I'm not gonna pay you.
That's not fair.
So?
I want my money
and I want it now!
Sit on it and twirl.
Hey, why do you fight
with such a beautiful woman?
Because she owes me money.
Joe, Joe. Joe!
Never loan money
to a former lover.
Never!
That money you loan her,
kiss it goodbye.
Ah, there it goes,
fly away like a little bird.
Bye-bye.
No, I--I didn't
loan her money.
She destroyed my office.
I'm trying to get her
to pay for the damage.
Well, you will not get it
by screaming
and yelling at her.
You must speak softly
and respectfully.
Treat her like
the delicate flower
that she is.
(LAUGHING)
Helen would laugh
in my face.
Then you must sue her.
What?
Yes, sue her.
Take her to court.
Next to baseball,
it's America's favorite sport.
Antonio, there's no way.
I'm not gonna sue her.
Joe, you remember
the restaurant
I used to work in?
One night, a man dining there
choked on a chicken bone.
(IMITATING CHOKING)
A lawsuit was filed,
cost the restaurant
half a million dollars.
Wow, he must've had
a good lawyer.
But a lousy paramedic.
He died.
But his wife now drives
a brand new Lamborghini.
I hear a chicken bone hangs
from the rear view mirror.
You see, that is the problem
with our society.
People think that
they have to go to court
to settle their differences.
But Helen and I are friends.
And we're gonna settle this
as friends.
Now you watch.
She's gonna come to her senses
and meet her responsibilities.
Hey, Helen! Helen?
What?
Look, now that you've had
a few minutes to cool down,
how'd you like
to write me that check?
You want a check?
There's your money.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Helen,
I can't even read
who this is made out to.
What's this last word here?
Hole.
I'll have her spleen
on a plate.
It's the American way.
Fay!
What is it, Joe?
How am I supposed
to run an airline
when I don't even
have an office here?
And that stupid contractor
started this job
three days ago,
and he hasn't
been back since.
Where the hell is he?
Oh, uh, that's right.
With all my
new responsibilities,
I forgot to tell you.
He's on Martha's Vineyard.
Something about Carly Simon
needing some work done
on her beach house.
Oh, great.
I got dumped for a celebrity.
Oh, no, Joe,
it's not like that at all.
Well, when is he coming back?
I don't know.
After that he's doing
Walter Cronkite's sun deck.
This guy's very much
in demand.
You're really lucky
to have him.
I don't have him.
Carly and Walter have him.
Well, I guess I'm going to
ask Lowell to finish the job.
Well, that might not be
as easy as you think.
I mean, Lowell does have
his pride.
(SCOFFING)
Oh, come on, Fay.
We're talking about someone
known around the island
as "The Man
Who'll Eat Anything
for a Quarter."
Fifty cents,
if it's still wriggling.
Hi, Lowell.
Can't really talk now, Joe.
I'm working
on Helen's jeep here.
Apparently, I was
good enough for her.
Well, look,
you're good enough
for me, too.
How'd you like
to rebuild my office?
Well, well, well.
Look who comes crawling back
to good old Lowell.
I admit it.
I made a mistake.
Oh, yes, you did.
Lowell, you don't have to
make this any harder for me
than it already is.
Oh, yes, I do.
You hurt me, Joe.
Lowell, I'm sorry...
No, I mean really hurt me.
Is this about money?
Yes, it is.
Well, go ahead.
Name your price.
$50,000.
$2,000.
All right, we're bargaining.
I like that.
$20,000.
Lowell, I can really
only afford $2,000.
Oh, you're a shrewd one,
Joe Hackett.
$5,000.
$2,000.
Joe, you got to give me
something here.
Okay.
$2,000 and a new hat.
Done! Ha!
Well, it's nice
doing business with you, Joe.
Hey, Brian,
how was the flight?
I'm not telling.
You'll just have to watch
the news tonight.
Good, good.
Listen, do me a favor.
Give this to Helen.
Uh, this is a subpoena.
You're gonna sue her?
JOE: I'm just taking her
to small claims court.
That's--That's nice, Joe,
real nice.
Hey, $1,000
is a lot of money.
I've gotta get it back
somehow.
Well, you give her
the subpoena.
No, I can't.
The law says someone else
has to give it to her.
Well, don't look at me.
You find some other flunky
to do your dirty work.
Uh, Fay?
Is my job
on the line?
Yes.
Fine. I'll finish the day
and pick up my check
in the morning.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
I'll get-- I'll get
someone else to do it.
Hey, way to stand up
to the boss man, Fay.
I was bluffing.
Give me that, Hackett.
I'll be your delivery boy.
Do you know what to do?
Oh, sure.
I served a subpoena
to my mother once.
You sued your own mother?
No, I just served her.
Dad made me.
See, the trick is
with these things
you got to surprise
the subpoenee.
Not let 'em see
what's coming.
Observe.
Hey, Helen?
Yeah.
How about a nice,
cool glass of lemonade, huh?
Sure, Roy.
Here you go.
What's this?
It's a subpoena, toots.
You can consider yourself
served.
So can you.
How could you
do this to me, Joe?
I tried to reason with you
and you wouldn't listen.
I had no choice.
We've been friends
for 20 years.
I know, but...
You know I don't have
that kind of money.
I lost all my savings
in New York.
I'm barely scraping by
as it is.
Well, look, you know,
you don't have to pay me
all at once.
We can agree on some kind
of installment plan.
You hit me with this when
I'm at a really low point.
I realize that's it's not...
I don't have
a professional life.
I don't have a social life.
I don't have anything.
Helen, maybe we both need...
I was just angry and upset.
I didn't mean
to hurt anybody.
Uh, Helen, I--I...
Maybe I did overreact,
and I should have taken
into account your, uh,
situation and everything.
Why--Why don't I
just drop this case
and we'll move on
from here?
Really, Joe?
Yeah, really.
Thank you.
You don't know
what this means to me.
Hey, no problem.
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
Hey, hey! I saw that!
Saw what?
That little smile of yours.
I saw your reflection
in the glass.
I was just so happy.
No, that wasn't a happy smile.
That was an "I've got you
wrapped around
my little finger" smile.
(CRYING) Oh, Joe...
Oh, cut it out!
You're not playing me
for a sucker.
I'll see you in court.
All right!
You want to sue me
for $1,000?
Yes, I do!
Hey, why stop there?
Why not just run
the total up a bit?
Hey, hey, hey!
What--What'd that bring
the total to?
Uh, about $1,100.
And you are just
throwing money away
because you don't have a case.
Well, good.
Why not just have
a little fun then?
Hey, wait! Uh...
$1,140, $1,170...
Fay, what did I pay
for that antique
picture frame?
FAY: $75.
$1,245!
No, no!
Don't you even
think about it.
That is priceless.
60 bucks!
That brings the total
to $1,305,
and that will run you
$225, missy.
And then she very calmly
and unemotionally
drove her jeep into my hangar
and smashed through my office.
And you feel
this was intentional?
Yes, Your Honor.
It was a malicious
and completely unprovoked act.
Well, given your version
of events,
and Miss Chapel's failure
to appear and defend herself,
I must find...
Your Honor!
Helen Chapel appearing
before the court.
Wait now, hold on one minute!
What is this?
You're late, Miss Chapel.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I had a hard time
getting here.
I'm not used to
these crutches.
Oh, who do you think
you're fooling with this act?
Quiet, Mr. Hackett.
My apologies.
HELEN: Thank you.
The court was unaware
of your condition.
Oh, what condition,
Your Honor?
She has pulled
this kind of thing before.
She's a known scam artist.
Shame on you,
Helen Chapel!
If I might explain...
JOE: Oh, give me a break!
She's playing you
for a sucker, Judge.
I assure you
that my injuries are real...
Oh, for God's sakes,
she's faking it to gain
the court's sympathy.
Stick a pin in her leg.
I'm injured, you idiot,
not paralyzed.
Yeah, sure you are.
Make her dance.
See if she'll dance
under oath.
Mr. Hackett!
Your Honor,
I can barely stand.
As a matter of fact,
I'm feeling
a little lightheaded.
Would you be more comfortable
sitting down?
Yes, I would. Thank you.
No, wait!
Hold on one second.
You're not buying this,
are you? Wait a second.
If it please the court
Joe...
...may I present exhibit A?
Ow!
Mr. Hackett!
And exhibit B.
(EXCLAIMING)
That will be enough!
(SCREAMING)
Come on!
Get up! Get up!
Let's go, stand up.
I rest my case.
Hey, Joe, Joe!
What are you doing here?
Well, uh, Helen said she's
gonna be a little late.
She called
from the emergency room.
Apparently, she fell down
her front steps.
Banged herself up
pretty bad.
Oh, God.
Helen, I am so sorry.
I had no idea...
Don't touch me!
Oh, good, Helen,
you got here.
Hey, stand up, honey.
Judge can't see you.
Well, what do you think,
Fay?
It's phenomenal, Lowell.
It looks just like it was.
Oh, it is.
I found
a really old photograph
of the office,
and I matched everything
exactly,
right down
to the last detail.
That must have been
very difficult.
Hardest part was
finding a calendar from 1952.
Hey, guys.
Joe, how'd it go
in court?
Well, I, uh,
you know,
won.
BRIAN:
Oh, don't be so modest.
With the exception of that
contempt of court glitch,
I'd say you had quite a day
before the bar, big guy.
Well, how was I supposed
to know that Helen fell down
those stairs?
Those crutches
should have been
your first clue.
Rule of thumb, Joe,
never beat up a cripple.
You beat up Helen?
No, I just
pushed her down
and poked her
with her crutch a little.
Gee, Joe, I'm surprised
you didn't have me
do it for you.
So, Joe, what do you think
of the office?
Oh, hey!
Hey, nice job, Lowell.
This is really first-rate
craftsmanship.
I am impressed.
You know, I've been thinking
about putting a sort of deck
on the back of the house.
What do you think
something like that
would cost?
$50,000.
Why don't we just
forget it, Lowell?
We'll talk about it later.
Lowell, is my jeep ready yet?
Yeah, it's right out here
in the hangar, Helen.
Thank you.
Um, how much do I owe you?
$50,000...
Lowell.
Hey, someday somebody's
gonna go for it.
Here's a check for $100.
If it's all right with you,
I'd like to pay you
once a month
for the next 10 months.
Look, Helen,
I--I--I feel
really terrible
about what happened
in court today.
Why don't we just forget this?
Oh, no, you don't!
On top of it all,
you don't get to be noble,
Joe.
Just take it.
I just want this thing
to be over with.
Well, all right,
if it'll make you happy.
It will.
Good. That's done.
(SIGHS)
I don't want to ever,
ever hear anything else
about it.
And you won't.
Not from me, anyway.
But, you know
what's interesting?
I think we both learned
a very important lesson today.
You learned that we can't
be ruled by our emotions,
that no good ever comes
from violence.
And that each of us
has to be held responsible
for our actions.
And I learned that
we have a damned fine
legal system.
Oh, come on, I'm kidding.
Where's your sense of humor?
You used to have one,
you know.
Hey, I guarantee that
someday we'll look back
on this and laugh.
(JOE LAUGHS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HELEN LAUGHING)
Look there!
I'm laughin' already.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Joe, I'm writing down
a figure.