Wings (1990–1997): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Naked Truth - full transcript

\hNARRATOR: Last season
on Wings.

W-What're you gonna do?

I'm gonna do my music
full time.
I'm going to New York.

Now, Helen, you have not even
thought this thing through.

No, I haven't,
and that's what feels so good,
Joe.

Every musician worth his salt
has to take a shot
at New York.

If I can make it there,
I can make it any...
Well, you know.

(PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING)

Please stay.

I can't.
But thank you for asking.

I love you.



I love you, too.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(RINGING)

Hello.
HELEN: Oh, good,
I caught you.

Uh, I know
it's been a long time,

and I've been meaning
to call you, but I've just
been so busy and everything.

Well, this time I decided
to dial the phone
the minute I thought of it.

I hope that's okay.

Is that okay?

Who is this?

This is Helen.
I thought you'd
recognize my voice.

Oh, I do. I do.
W-W-Where are you?

I'm in New York.

Well, are you okay?



I mean, it's, uh,
it's 3:30.

Oh, yeah, I'm...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I woke you up, didn't I?

No, no.

So, how's everything?

Everything's good.
Good.

And you?
Very good.

Good.
Must mean everything is...

Good.
Good.

You know, comin' to New York
was definitely
the right thing to do.

You know,
the music, the people,
the atmosphere and energy.

I just love it.

I sure miss talkin' to you,
Joe.

Yeah, it's been a long time.

Well, um, I'll, uh, let you
get back to sleep.

(STUTTERING) Good.
No, I mean, uh,

it was, uh, it was good
talking to you, and, uh,

thanks for calling and all.

Sure. Well, uh, bye then.

Right. Bye.

Joe? Who was that?

Nobody you know, honey.
Okay.

Go back to sleep.

(SIGHS)

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

May I have your attention,
please?

Sandpiper Air flight 26
from Boston

will be arriving shortly
through gate number 1.

Those of you meeting
newcomers to Nantucket

might want to take them
to our whaling museum

where you can see
a whale's jawbone
nearly two stories high.

You'd think
a fish bone that big
would smell bad,

but it doesn't.

Lowell, what do you have
in the thermos?

Oh, it's fresh brewed
coffee, Fay.

Really? I haven't had
a decent cup of coffee
since Helen left.

Oh, this is no
ordinary coffee.

This is a special blend
from a very small plantation

on the south side
of the Kona coast.

Sounds wonderful.
Can we try it?

Oh, my pleasure.

Yeah, I think
you're gonna enjoy this.

I examine each bean
individually for color
and texture,

hand-grind them all,

and I brew
with only bottled water.
That's the key, of course.

Oh, sounds as if
you've thought of everything.

I have.

(BOTH SPITTING)

Lowell,

there are grounds in here.
Your filter must have broken.

Filter?

I swear you've got the IQ
of a ripe summer squash.

Just what
is that supposed to mean?

Oh, uh, now, now, dear,
I'm sure he meant it
in the best possible way.

Everyone knows
the squash is the smartest
of all the vegetables.

Oh, thanks, Roy.

Okay, okay, so, Father,
what--what you're saying to me

is that no matter
what I've done my whole life,

if I confess
all my sins sincerely
at the very last minute,

I'm home free?

Well, technically, yes.
Uh-huh.

But I'd like to think you'd...
That's great.
Thank you very much.

It's excellent.
Excellent, your Excellency.

Thank you very much. Hey, Joe!

Brian, I need, I...
Joe, Joe, I think
I found a loophole

in this whole
heaven-hell thing.

Wait till you hear this,
okay?

Later. Listen,
I really need your advice.

You want my advice?
You never want my advice.

This happens to be
a really sensitive issue,

and you're the only person
I can talk to about this.

Oh, so you stumbled into
my special area of expertise,
did you?

My bailiwick, as it were.

Well, I guess there are
some things you just can't
discuss with just anyone.

Which is fine, Joe,
that's fine,

but I--I think I really need
to tell you at the outset

that I really don't have
the faintest idea
what I'm talking about.

I heard from Helen
last night.

You're kidding me.
So, just out of the blue
like that?

I was as surprised
as you were.

I... She was, well,
kind of fishing around

about where
our relationship stood.

Oh, oh, oh. Wow.

So, uh, what'd she say
when you told her
about Gail, huh?

She... She, uh, uh...

You didn't tell her
about Gail, did you?

Oh, I was going to.
I really was.
I--I had an opening and...

But you just
couldn't be honest,
could you, Joe?

I'm very surprised at you.
That is so... me.

Brian, please, you are
the only person I can trust.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
All right,
all right, all right.

Now, Joe, about
this business with Helen.

You definitely should
tell her about Gail.
She deserves to know.

Oh, so--so you went
to Fay for advice
over your own brother?

Well, I...
That's good.

Well, how do you think
I felt?

He asked Lowell
before he asked me.

(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)
Lowell?

Hackett, I've been giving
this Helen problem of yours
some thought.

Oh, come on!

What Helen doesn't know
won't hurt her.

The ignorant broad's
the happy broad.

Hello, National Organization
for Women?

I have a man here
who needs to be neutered.

Now, now, let's not
dismiss Roy too quickly.

He may just
have a point here.

No, no, no, that...
I see what's happening now.

You're just desperate
to find somebody,

anybody, who'll tell you
that it's okay not to tell
Helen about Gail.

And that's a bad thing, right?

Joe, Helen deserves to know.

Gee, Brian, I was kind of
countin' on you to tell me
to do the weasely thing.

Any other woman
and I'd be there for you.
You know that.

But this is Helen.

Yeah, of course, you're right.
You're right.

But it--it's a moot point.

I don't even know
where she is.

I don't even have her address.

Oh, I do.
She sent me a birthday card.

Thanks, Fay.

Oh, well, I guess I'd better
go in the office right now
and drop her a note.

No, no, no, no.
Helen deserves to be told
face-to-face.

I'll tell you what.
I will go with you.

We can make it
tomorrow afternoon
after the Hyannis run.

Well, uh, all right.
I guess so.

Great. It's settled then.

Yeah, we'll fly to New York,

we'll drop the hammer on her,
maybe catch a show.

You know,
make an evening of it.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(CHATTERING)

BRIAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm getting really tired
of walkin' around
lookin' for this address.

I just want to find Helen,
tell her about me and Gail
and go home.

Wait, Joe.
Joe, here it is.

Here it is.
Here's the address
right here.

This can't be
where Helen works.

The manager at her building
must have made a mistake.

No, that was her neighbor.

The manager was the guy
hosing the chalk outline
off the front steps.

Girls! Nude girls!
Totally nude girls!

Gee, my three
favorite things.

There's no way
that Helen would work
in a place like this.

Of course not!

I'll tell you what.
Why don't we just go inside,
sit down,

and berate ourselves
for even thinking
such a thing.

Well, I could use a soda.

That's it, son. Go on in.
Don't be shy.

(CHUCKLES)
"Totally Nude Nudes".

I mean, that--that--that's
the stupidest sign
I ever...

What--What the hell
is a nude nude?

I just found out. Hurry.

(CROWD HOOTING)

You know, I think
I figured out why
they have naked women in here.

So you don't notice
how really scuzzy
this place is.

Are you kiddin'?
I'm thinkin' of doin'
my room over like this.

Excuse me, Ma'am.
Uh, we'd like a couple
of drinks, please.

Sure, boys,
comin' right up.

(SCREAMS)
Oh!

Helen?

Joe! Brian!
What're you doing here?

We came here to see you.
And see you we have.

Oh, I knew
I shouldn't have called you.

Helen, I don't get it.

On--On the phone
you said everything
was goin' so well and...

What? It is.
Everything's fine.

But this place is a--a--a...

I mean, couldn't--couldn't
you find a job
playing your cello?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I had a job just last month.

I was the sound
of headache pain
in an aspirin commercial.

God, Helen, I...
It just...
It really kills me

to see you
workin' in a place like this.
Got any singles, Joe?

Look, Helen, I--I--I know
that the music business
is tough,

but surely you could've...
You--You could have, uh...

Could have what?
Huh?

Oh--Oh, you--you
could have found a job

in a better place
than this rat-hole.

This place is a dive!

Couldn't agree more.

It's not that bad.
I mean, the tips are great,

and the girls are pretty nice,

and I meet
a lot of interesting people
from out of town.

Yeah, but, Helen,
what about your dream?

You were going to be
a concert musician.

Well, Joe,
I got an offer from
the New York Philharmonic,

but I figured
it'd be more fulfilling

to hawk drinks
in a skin palace.

Helen...

Joe, success does not happen
overnight. It takes time.
You know?

I--I'm fine. I really am.

I'm happy.

Well, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

Look, Helen, the, uh,
the real reason I came here...

Look at me, Joe,
I'm not happy at all!

I came here
to make beautiful music

and I am servin' boilermakers
in hot pants.

I'm a mess. I'm broke.
And I hate it here.

I just called you
because I was desperate
for a friendly voice.

Oh, Helen, it's all right.
It's okay, Helen. Everything's
going to be all right.

Oh, Joe,
I'm too embarrassed
to go home.

I--I just can't face anybody.

MAN: Hey, sweetcakes,
how about some service
over here?

Uh, I don't work here,
and don't call me sweetcakes.

How did you wind up here?

I don't know.
I met a flutist
at an audition

and she told me
about this place.

MAN: I'm gettin' thirsty!

Try keepin'
some of that saliva
in your mouth, buddy.

Look, Helen,
you can't stay here.

You've gotta just
chalk this up to experience

and come home with us
where you belong.

Helen, he's right.
Everybody wants to see you
back behind the lunch counter,

especially wearing
those fishnet stockings.

What about you, Joe?
Do you-- Do you want me
to come back?

Are you kiddin'?
Didn't I just say that?

MAN: Hey,
how about some service?

I'd better go
take care of him.

MAN: Come on, honey. Move it!

All right, all right!
Keep your pants on!

And I mean that literally.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now, Joe, I--I know
you just told Helen

that you wanted her
to come back,

and it's true,
I have been a tad distracted,
but...

I'd almost swear
that Gail's name
hasn't come up once.

Brian, you know
how proud Helen is.
If I tell her about Gail now,

she'll never leave
this hellhole.

I'll tell her
when we get back
to Nantucket.

That's a good idea,
and when you're through,

send my clothes
and forward my mail.

I'm staying here.

Hey, everybody, we brought
back a surprise from New York.

Oh, I hope it's not
another Cats T-shirt.

Ta-da!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(HELEN WHISTLES)

All right, all right,
all right

I've got
an announcement to make.

(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)
And I'm only
gonna say this once.

New York sucked.

It was terrible.
My life was terrible.
My job was terrible.

I lived in a terrible
rat-infested
apartment building.

It was the absolute low point
of my existence,

and I don't want to ever,
ever, ever, ever talk
about that city again.

Okay, any questions?

Did you see
any good shows?

The only show I saw was a man
peeing on 42nd Street.

Is that the new
Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?

No, but if anyone
could put it to music,
he could.

Helen, uh,
now that you're back,

does this mean
I don't get to use
your jeep anymore?

Yes, it does, Lowell.

All right, I'm gonna go get it
gassed up and bring it around
back for you.

Thanks.

Uh, by the way, when you
lent it to me, did it smell
like a dead sea otter?

No.

It's like I never left.
God, it's good to be back.

Thanks, Joe.
You really saved my life.

Hi, Joe.

Hi, honey.

Thought I'd surprise you.

He sure looks surprised.

Joe?

Uh, oh, oh, right!
That reminds me.

Uh, uh...

Joe?
Uh, guess...
I... You... We...

Could you excuse me
for just one minute, Gail?

Did I come at a bad time?

I don't know. I'll go check.

Helen, I--I...
No. Me first.

Fair enough. Go ahead.

(GRUNTS)

Your turn.

(SQUEALING)

Oh, come on.
I pulled that punch.
Go ahead. Talk.

(GROANING)

All right, I'll fill in
until you gather your senses.
Who the hell was that?

Someone I've been dating.

Well, I assumed from
the way you two kissed

she wasn't lookin'
for a piece of lost luggage.

Unless, of course, she lost it
halfway down your throat.

Helen, I...

Why didn't you tell me
about her, Joe?

I knew if I did, you never
would've left New York.

Oh, so let me
get this straight.

You let me make
a major life decision

without confusing me
with the facts?

I was going to tell you.
I was just waiting for
the perfect time and place.

Rush hour
in a crowded airport?
Excellent choice.

I can't believe it!
I left my life in New York
for this!

Oh, come on. What life?
You were miserable.

Oh, I'm much better now.

You told me you loved me.

Yeah,
you're damn right I did.

And as I recall, you responded
by getting on a plane
and leaving town.

Now, how do you think
that made me feel?

No, I told you I loved you,
too.

Gee, maybe I forgot that
in the ten months
that I didn't hear from you.

It was hard enough leaving.
I knew that if I heard
your voice,

that I would just come
running back.

Well, I didn't know that.
As far as I was concerned,

our relationship ended
right out there
on that runway!

Don't you people have lives?

ROY: Sort of. Yeah, sorry.

So, who is she?

Her name is Gail Scott.
We met a few months ago.

She's a freelance writer
from Washington, D.C.

And she has a house
on Nantucket.

Are you serious about her?

Yeah, I think so.

(SIGHS)

So what's so great about her,
anyway? And looks don't count.

Well, for one thing
she's nice.
And she's nice to me.

And she doesn't hit.

(DOOR OPENING)

Sorry to interrupt.
It's Helen, right?

I'm Gail Scott.
It's nice to meet you.

Fay just told me
who you were
and I thought,

"That poor woman. This must be
a really incredibly awkward
situation for her."

So I thought I'd just come in
and see if I could help
put you at ease.

Oh, thank you.

Joe's told me
everything about you two.

Everything?

Yes. I--I know
how close you two were

and I understand.
I'm fine with it.

She really is.

So, um, we've decided
to be adult about this.

You know what
Joe always says,

honesty is the cornerstone
of every good relationship.

Oh, but look
who I'm telling.

Well, I'll let
you two catch up.

I'll see you
for dinner tonight, Joey.

You know,
the three of us really need
to get together sometime.

Well, bye.

(SIGHS)
I hate her.

Helen, I--I don't know...
No, listen,
don't say anything.

There's nothin' to talk about.
It's over. You win.

Helen, it isn't a contest.

It isn't? Well,
let's check the scoreboard.

You have a career,
a relationship, all in all
a pretty good setup.

I have no relationship,
no career, no money,

no life, and apparently my car
smells like a dead sea otter.

Helen, I'm sorry.

You may say that.
You may even believe that.

But the reality
of the situation is
when I walk out that door,

your troubles are over,
but mine are just beginning.
And that's not fair.

But there's nothin' I can do
to even the score.

Helen...

(PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING)
Helen!

So, how'd it go?

Not well.

Ah, you know Helen.
She'll get over it.

I mean, she starts out hot
and then eventually
she'll just go home,

break a little crockery,
eat a wheel of cheese,

and in the long run,
everything'll be fine.

In the long run, yeah.
What about the short run?

Oh, the short run'll kill ya
every time.

(CAR APPROACHING)

JOE: What the...

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Helen?

(ENGINE REVVING)

Helen, you know
I don't allow cars in here.
She knows I don't.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

I don't know about you,
but, uh, I feel better.

My lunch was in there.