Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 7 - Hell Hath No Fury Like a Police Woman Scorned - full transcript
LOOK, I GOT TO GET
TO HYANNIS
AND I'M A LITTLE SHORT
ON CASH. SO HOW ABOUT
WE MAKE A TRADE?
FRESH-CAUGHT FISH
FOR A TICKET.
I'LL, UH,
GIVE YOU 4 HADDOCK.
4 HADDOCK?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHAT KIND OF
A BACKWOODS OPERATION
DO YOU THINK
WE'RE RUNNING HERE?
JOE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS GUY WANTS
TO GIVE US 4 HADDOCK
FOR A ONE-WAY TO HYANNIS.
NO WAY.
6, AND NOT A HADDOCK LESS.
IT'S A DEAL.
THROW IN A BUCKET OF CLAMS,
AND I'LL UPGRADE YOU
TO FIRST CLASS.
[seagulls cawing]
[phone ringing]
[plane engine roaring]
[exclaims]
OH, ROY.
THANK GOD IT'S YOU.
I THOUGHT ONE OF THOSE
BIG, SWEATY BEETLES
HAD LANDED ON MY LENS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LOWELL?
VIDEOTAPING THE AIRPORT
SO YOU CAN SEE
WHERE YOU USED TO WORK?
NO. AMERICA'S
WACKIEST VIDEOS
IS OFFERING A
$100,000 PRIZE.
AND I JUST WANNA
BE READY IN CASE
ANYTHING WACKY HAPPENS.
SAY, ROY, HOW ABOUT
YOU LOOSEN YOUR BELT,
LET YOUR PANTS FALL DOWN
AROUND YOUR ANKLES,
AND DO THAT LITTLE
WADDLE OF YOURS?
HOW ABOUT
I TAKE OFF MY BELT
AND WRAP IT
AROUND YOUR NECK
AND TIGHTEN IT
TILL YOUR EYES BULGE OUT?
OH, IT'S A GOOD THOUGHT,
ROY, BUT THEY DID THAT
LAST WEEK WITH A CAT.
IS THERE A JOE HACKETT HERE?
I'M JOE HACKETT.
YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR IS PARKED
IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE.
OH, THERE MUST BE
SOME MISTAKE.
I WOULD NEVER PARK IN A--
(Brian)
HEY, THANKS A LOT, JOE.
BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE A LITTLE LOW
ON GAS.
FINE. JUST
GIVE ME THE TICKET.
HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
A CHARM BRACELET.
A LITTLE TOKEN OF AFFECTION
FROM THE CITY FATHERS.
OOH, NOW THIS
LOOKS PROMISING.
BEAT IT.
THIS IS HOW
YOU GUYS HANDLE
A PARKING VIOLATION?
THIS IS HOW WE HANDLE
42 PARKING VIOLATIONS.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT--
EXCUSE ME, OFFICER,
I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE,
BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT THIS MAN IS INNOCENT,
WHOEVER HE IS.
CAN I HAVE
A MOMENT ALONE
WITH MY BROTHER?
JOE? JOE, IS THAT YOU?
YOU'VE GOT 30 SECONDS.
DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.
BUT IF YOU DO,
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER HERE.
SHE SAYS I HAVE
42 TICKETS, BRIAN.
CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, JOE.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 43,
BUT I DROVE OFF
WHILE THEY WERE WRITIN'
ONE OF 'EM.
HEY, SUGAR BUNS,
MOVE IT ALONG.
SUGAR BUNS! HUH?
ISN'T THAT CUTE, JOE?
SHE'S ALREADY GIVEN YOU
A PRISON NICKNAME.
ONE I SUGGEST YOU CHANGE,
BY THE WAY.
BRIAN...
RELAX, JOE, RELAX.
I WILL GET US OUT OF THIS.
HOW?
COME ON. SHE'S A WOMAN,
I'M ME.
FILL IN THE BLANKS.
I REALLY DON'T WANNA
GO TO PRISON, BRIAN.
UH, HI,
OFFICER...THOMAS.
BRIAN HACKETT.
[smacks lips]
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
NO!
[chuckling]
NO, NO PROBLEM.
YOU'RE NEW TO THE ISLAND,
AREN'T YOU?
YEAH. SO?
I DON'T KNOW,
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
INCREDIBLY FAMILIAR ABOUT YOU.
MAYBE, IT'S THAT
ENCHANTING PERFUME
YOU'RE WEARING.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
DEODORANT.
MMM!
BET IT'S FRENCH.
FRENCH... FRANCE.
THAT'S IT.
THE LINE OF YOUR CHEEKBONE
TAKES ME BACK
TO THAT AFTERNOON I SPENT
AT THE MUSEE D'ORSAY IN PARIS.
I WAS MESMERIZED
BY THE GRACEFUL BEAUTY
OF A GREEK GODDESS.
DOES ANYONE
EVER BUY THAT CRAP?
YOU'D BE AMAZED.
LOOK, OFFICER--
LOOK, I--I'LL
MAKE YOU A DEAL.
IF I LET HIM GO,
WILL YOU JUST,
UH, SHUT UP?
BY LETTING HIM GO,
DO YOU MEAN LETTING HIM
OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS
OR LETTING HIM
OUT OF THE TICKETS?
DON'T PUSH IT.
YOU'RE NOT THAT CUTE.
JUST PAY
THESE TICKETS
BY 5:00, ACE.
OH, BELIEVE ME,
SOMEONE WILL PAY.
THANK YOU, OFFICER THOMAS.
COLLEEN.
OH, OK. WELL, UH, THIS HAS
BEEN A REALLY INCREDIBLE
EXPERIENCE, COLLEEN.
WE'LL HAVE TO DO IT
AGAIN SOMETIME.
WHEN?
WHEN WHAT?
UH, I THINK
SHE MEANS "WHEN"
AS IN,
WHEN ARE YOU TWO
GONNA GET TOGETHER?
YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE
ALWAYS SAY THAT,
AND THEY NEVER
ACTUALLY SET A TIME?
UH...
SO, WHEN, BRIAN?
UH, YOU KNOW,
W-WHENEVER.
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
I FINISH TEACHING
MY MACE CLASS AT 8:00.
PERFECT.
OH, UH, I--I REALLY
HAVE A FLIGHT TONIGHT.
SORRY, NO CAN DO.
NO, NO, YOU CAN DO.
THAT'S MY FLIGHT.
YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU
REMEMBER THAT I PROMISED
TO TAKE IT FOR YOU?
NO.
UH, YOU 2 KIDS GO OUT,
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
DINNER,
MAYBE A DOUGHNUT.
[mumbling]
JOE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THAT I OWE YOU A FLIGHT?
BRIAN, AFTER
WHAT YOU JUST DID FOR ME,
CONSIDER THE SLATE CLEAN.
8:30. PICK ME UP
AT THE STATION.
BEFORE WE GO TO DINNER,
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE MORGUE
AND SHOW YOU THE CORPSE
WE PULLED OUT OF THE HARBOR.
HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
SHE IS ONE
SCARY WOMAN.
WELL, SHE'S A SCARY
WOMAN, YOU'RE YOU.
FILL IN THE BLANKS.
[cutlery clinking]
LOWELL MATHER, I CATCH YOU
MESSING WITH ANYTHING
ON MY COUNTER AGAIN,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
PICKIN' YOUR NOSE
WITH YOUR FOOT.
I THINK YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED
WITH MY COUSIN BEVO.
DO I LOOK CONFUSED?
NO, MA'AM.
BUT, UH, HELEN,
YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK
THOSE CREAM DISPENSERS
TO MAKE SURE NOBODY PUT
ANY, UH, YOU KNOW,
KAOPECTATE IN THEM
OR ANYTHING.
HEY, BRO.
DID YOU HAVE FUN
ON YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT
TO YOU THIS WAY:
VIEWING THE CORPSE
IN THE MORGUE
WAS THE HIGH POINT
OF THE EVENING.
WELL, STILL,
YOU GOT HOME PRETTY LATE.
DID, UH, DID ANYTHING HAPPEN?
YEAH, HACKETT.
DID YOU TWO, UH,
HOW DO THE POLICE SAY IT,
"ASSUME THE POSITION"?
[groans]
CUT ME A LITTLE
SLACK, ROY, OK?
NO. NO, NO,
IT'S A FAIR QUESTION.
WAS THERE ANY
PHYSICAL CONTACT?
OH, YEAH, THERE WAS
PHYSICAL CONTACT, ALL RIGHT.
ON THE WAY
OUT OF THE RESTAURANT,
SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN
TO DEMONSTRATE A SELECTION
OF SUBMISSION HOLDS ON ME.
YEAH?
EACH OF THEM
INVOLVED GRINDING HER HEEL
INTO THE SMALL OF MY BACK.
OH! SPIKED HEELS OR PUMPS?
THIS WAS THE WORST DATE
I EVER HAD.
BESIDES BEING BOTH
VIOLENT AND BORING,
IT VIOLATED MY RULE
OF NEVER GOIN' OUT
WITH ANYBODY
IN POLYESTER
STRETCH PANTS.
NO OFFENSE, ROY.
ANYWAY, IT'S
ALL OVER WITH
AND I'VE LEARNED
SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
YEAH. YOU SHOULD
PAY YOUR PARKING TICKETS
WHEN YOU GET 'EM.
NO, THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
FROM NOW ON, BIG SHOT.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I'M PULLING YOUR FANNY
OUT OF THE FIRE.
FANNY ON FIRE? BOY,
A GUY LEAVES THE ROOM
FOR ONE MINUTE...
WELL, THE UPSIDE IS,
NO WAY SHE'S EVER GONNA
WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN.
BRIAN, I ALMOST FORGOT.
THIS WAS DELIVERED
EARLIER FOR YOU.
(all)
AW!
WHAT? WHAT?
IT'S NOT NECESSARILY
FROM HER.
A TEDDY BEAR
DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN
COULD BE FROM ANYONE.
[crying]
OH, GOD.
[Roy chuckling]
"DEAREST BRIAN,
HERE'S A WIDDLE
POWICE BEAR
FOR YOU TO CUDDLE WIF
TONIGHT."
NOT MUCH OF A SPELLER,
IS SHE?
BOY, I'LL SAY.
ONE "D" IN "WIDDLE."
[snorts]
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I DON'T WANNA
GET INVOLVED
WITH A WOMAN
WITH A BRASS KNUCKLE
COLLECTION.
JEEZ, LOUISE.
I SPEND A FORTUNE ON THOSE
976 NUMBERS TO GET
MY DREAM GAL, AND NOTHIN',
AND YOU WIND UP
WITH VENUS.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN
TO THE STATION
RIGHT NOW,
AND I'M GONNA END
THIS THING WITH COLLEEN
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
IT'S TIME I STARTED
TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS BEAR
WITH THE DESK SERGEANT
AND RUN LIKE HELL.
BRIAN.
OH!
HOW DID YOU LIKE MY GIFT?
UH...
UH, I WOVE MY WIDDLE FWIEND.
OUTSTANDING.
I WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
LAST NIGHT
WAS JUST SO WONDERFUL.
MMM.
SO WILL I BE
SEEING YOU?
OH, HECK,
IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE
SEEIN' EACH OTHER
AROUND, YOU KNOW?
NO, I MEAN,
WILL I BE "SEEING" YOU?
DOESN'T NOW QUALIFY?
I'M GETTING SOME
WEIRD VIBES HERE, BRIAN.
YOU WEREN'T TOYING WITH ME
LAST NIGHT, WERE YOU?
I MEAN, THIS WASN'T
JUST ABOUT GETTING OUT
OF SOME TICKETS?
[sighing]
BECAUSE IF IT WAS,
I SWEAR...
NO, NO. COLLEEN!
[chuckles]
COLLEEN!
COLLIE, COLLIE,
COLLIE, NO.
SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 7
TO PROVINCETOWN
IS NOW READY FOR BOARDING.
AH, THERE IS MY FLIGHT.
GOT TO RUN.
YOU'LL CALL ME
WHEN YOU GET BACK?
UH, SURE, AS IF MY LIFE
DEPENDED ON IT.
IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?
[yawning]
FAY, DO I LOOK
AS BAD AS I FEEL?
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE
DEATH WARMED OVER?
YES, I DO.
YOU SEE, JOE? THAT WASN'T
SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.
I JUST CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS THE 3RD
NIGHT IN A ROW.
COLLEEN KEEPS CALLING
AT ALL HOURS AND BRIAN
REFUSES TO TALK TO HER.
SO AS USUAL,
IT'S ME THAT HAS
TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LET IT RING?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
[phone ringing]
NO, YOU CAN'T. YOU HAVE
TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
[phone continues ringing]
SAYS WHO?
AREN'T YOU
GONNA ANSWER THAT?
NO.
[phone continues ringing]
AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
[ringing continues]
FEEL THE FREEDOM, JOE,
FEEL THE POWER
OF NOT ANSWERING
A RINGING PHONE.
[phone stops ringing]
NOW, DON'T YOU
FEEL BETTER?
NO!
OH, COME ON, JOE,
THINK ABOUT IT.
HOW MANY PHONE CALLS
IN YOUR LIFE
HAVE BEEN SO IMPORTANT
THEY COULDN'T WAIT?
FAY, YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.
YOUR GARAGE IS ON FIRE.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
HI, FAY, NICE BLOUSE.
THANK YOU, IT'S NEW.
HEY, BRIAN. YOU HAVE GOT
TO END THIS THING
WITH COLLEEN TODAY.
LOOK--
NOW. THIS MINUTE!
JOE, RELAX, WILL YOU?
THE COLD-SHOULDER
STRATEGY IS IN EFFECT.
SHE'LL GET THE HINT
EVENTUALLY.
OH, BRIAN.
YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT
COLLEEN THAT WAY.
IT IS SUCH
THE TYPICAL GUTLESS GUY
WAY OF HANDLING THINGS.
RIGHT, RECOMMENDED BY
98 OUT OF 100 GUTLESS GUYS
AS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.
HELEN'S RIGHT, BRIAN.
JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.
THE TRUTH?
SHE'D RATHER HEAR ANYTHING
THAN HEAR THAT
HE DOESN'T LIKE HER.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU TELL HER
A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
THEREFORE,
SHE CAN WALK AWAY
WITH HER DIGNITY INTACT.
THE TRUTH.
[snorting]
WELL, EXCUSE ME
FOR WANTING TO LIVE
IN A WORLD
WHERE PEOPLE DON'T LIE,
AND MAYBE ANSWER THE PHONE
ONCE IN A WHILE.
THANK YOU BOTH
FOR YOUR ADVICE,
BUT BELIEVE ME,
WHEN I GIVE A WOMAN
THE COLD SHOULDER,
SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.
BRIAN.
OH!
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN
RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS?
JOE, COLLEEN'S BEEN CALLING
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
[tisking]
SO EVERYTHING'S OK?
AH, SURE, SURE.
OUTSTANDING, BECAUSE
TONIGHT IS COUPLES' NIGHT
AT THE PISTOL RANGE.
LOOK, UH, COLLEEN,
BEFORE WE GET AROUND
ANY LIVE AMMO,
I--I--I REALLY THINK
WE NEED TO TALK.
ABOUT WHAT?
WELL...
UH, GOSH,
I--I REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS.
[stuttering]
OK, LOOK,
I SORT OF HAD THIS
ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN
RELATIONSHIP
WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN.
NOT NEARLY
AS TOGETHER AS YOU.
ANYWAY, WHEN I MET HER,
IT WAS KIND OF OFF,
BUT NOW IT'S KIND OF--
CRAP.
I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
JUST LIKE PROBABLY
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
EVERYTHING UP.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
COLLEEN, I'M SHOCKED.
THEN WHO IS SHE?
WHO IS SHE?
WHO IS SHE?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO SHE IS.
SHE'S HER.
OK, ROY.
WHEN I GIVE YOU
THE SIGNAL,
YOU START SHOOTING
AND I'LL WALK INTO THAT DOOR.
OK?
[chuckling]
OK.
DID YOU GET IT?
YEP, WE--
OH, NO, WAIT, DARN.
I PRESSED PLAY
INSTEAD OF RECORD.
WE--WE BETTER
TRY IT AGAIN.
OK. READY?
MMM.
[exhales]
DID YOU GET IT?
UM, IT WAS A LITTLE
OUT OF FOCUS. WE BETTER
DO IT ONE MORE TIME, HUH?
OK.
READY?
[muttering]
DID YOU GET IT?
IT WASN'T FRAMED
JUST RIGHT.
SO, UM,
WE SHOULD TRY ONE MORE.
I--I'LL GET HER
THIS TIME FOR SURE.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, TROY.
READY?
YOU OK, LOWELL?
YES.
AND I'LL TAKE "POTPOURRI"
FOR $50, ALEX.
[phone ringing]
OH, THE DAILY DOUBLE.
WELL, JOE. YOU'RE LOOKING
MUCH BETTER THIS MORNING.
FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT BRIAN DID,
BUT COLLEEN SEEMS
TO BE OUT OF OUR LIFE.
[crashing]
WHAT'S WRONG?
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON,
BUT THAT POLICEWOMAN
WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.
ON THE WAY TO WORK,
SHE STOPS ME 3 TIMES.
ONCE FOR HAVING
MY REGISTRATION STICKER
IN THE WRONG PLACE,
ONCE FOR NOT MAKING
A COMPLETE STOP
AT A STOP SIGN,
AND ONCE FOR GOING
A MEASLY 2 MILES
OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
WELL,
DID YOU DO THOSE THINGS?
WHO ARE YOU,
DONNY OSMOND?
OF COURSE
I DID THOSE THINGS!
THAT'S NOT
THE POINT, JOE.
DOES ANYONE HERE
HAVE A BLACK JEEP LAREDO
WITH THE LICENSE PLATE
"CELLO"?
THAT'S MY JEEP.
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL
THAT'S MY JEEP!
[clears throat]
REMEMBER THAT
YOU STOPPED ME 3 TIMES
EARLIER TODAY?
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.
[whimpers]
WHAT IS THIS FOR?
BROKEN TAILLIGHT.
NO, THAT CAN'T BE.
I LEFT MY JEEP
NOT 5 MINUTES AGO.
IT DID NOT HAVE
A BROKEN TAILLIGHT.
OH, GEE.
IT DOES NOW!
HI, FAY.
BEAUTIFUL DAY,
ISN'T IT?
SUN'S OUT,
THE BIRDS ARE SINGING,
I DON'T HAVE A STILETTO HEEL
WEDGED BETWEEN MY VERTEBRAE.
BRIAN, YOU'RE A SWEET BOY,
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HALF OF WHAT YOU SAY.
HEY, BRIAN,
WHEN YOU SETTLED THINGS
WITH COLLEEN,
EXACTLY HOW DID YOU
SETTLE 'EM?
OH, I JUST TOOK HELEN'S ADVICE
AND I SIMPLY TOLD COLLEEN
A LITTLE WHITE LIE
TO SPARE HER FEELINGS.
WHAT KIND OF
LITTLE WHITE LIE?
I TOLD HER
HELEN WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.
[door banging]
DID YOU BOTHER
TELLING HELEN ABOUT THIS?
THAT PSYCHO
BROKE MY TAILLIGHT!
IT DIDN'T SEEM
TO INVOLVE HER.
WHAT HAVE I DONE
TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING, HELEN.
BRIAN TOLD COLLEEN
THAT YOU WERE
HIS GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT? YOU DID WHAT?
WELL, Y-YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME TO TELL HER
A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
YES. A LITTLE WHITE LIE--
(Colleen)
YO, MISS CHAPEL.
CHARMING LITTLE CAFE
YOU HAVE HERE.
I'LL HAVE TO RECOMMEND IT
TO THE HEALTH INSPECTOR.
THAT'S IT, BRIAN.
2 CAN PLAY THIS GAME.
EXCUSE ME, UH,
OFFICER THOMAS,
I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR A LITTLE
GIRL-TO-GIRL TALK HERE.
YEAH?
LOOK, I KNOW
WHEN I'M OVERMATCHED.
WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO SAY?
I'M TRYING TO SAY
THAT I KNOW
ABOUT YOU AND BRIAN.
AND I KNOW...
[whispering loudly]
THAT HE'S GOT IT
BAD FOR YOU.
HE DOES?
OH, YES, HE DOES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU CAN HAVE HIM.
HELEN, HELEN!
HE'S YOURS.
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
OH, YES, I DO.
I FOUND OUT
ABOUT THOSE
RESERVATIONS.
WHAT RESERVATIONS?
YES, WHAT RESERVATIONS?
YOU KNOW,
THE ONES YOU MADE
AT THAT COZY LITTLE INN
IN VERMONT THIS WEEKEND?
(Helen)
SEE, I HATE THE WOODS.
SO I KNOW
HE WASN'T PLANNING
TO TAKE ME THERE.
BUT I WAS. I WAS!
OH, BRIAN,
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?
WELL, CHECK-IN IS AT 4:00,
SO IF YOU WANNA
CATCH THE FERRY--
OUTSTANDING!
I'LL JUST SWING BY MY PLACE
AND PICK UP A FEW THINGS.
OH, AND, HELEN,
FORGET ABOUT THAT TICKET.
I GOT WHAT I WANT.
OH, PACK A PINK NIGHTIE.
BRIAN LOVES PINK.
WELCOME TO THE
BIG LEAGUES, SPARKY.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
IF SOMEONE WERE
TO JAM YOUR HEAD
IN A DISHWASHER,
WOULD YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTION
TO MY FILMING YOUR REAR END
HANGING OUT?
JUST TRYING TO MAKE
AMERICA LAUGH.
OH, UH, LOWELL,
THAT FILE DRAWER
IN JOE'S OFFICE
CAME OFF ITS ROLLERS AGAIN.
UH, COULD YOU FIX IT?
YEAH, SURE, FAY.
MIGHT AS WELL.
NOTHING WACKY EVER
HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
[golf balls clattering]
HEY, MIKE.
WELL,
THAT FILE DRAWER'S FIXED.
I'M GONNA HEAD INTO TOWN
AND SEE IF ANYTHING WACKY
IS HAPPENING THERE.
COLLEEN'S DUE HERE
ANY SECOND.
I JUST CAME
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
I'VE ENTERED MYSELF
INTO THE WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM, JOE.
IF YOU NEED ME,
WIRE NILES UNDERWOOD,
ENID, OKLAHOMA.
GEE, NILES, UH,
IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL MISS
YOUR WEEKEND IN VERMONT.
[laughing]
[scoffing]
YOU'RE GETTING A BIG KICK
OUT OF THIS, AREN'T YOU?
YOU SAID I SHOULD
LAUGH MORE, BRIAN.
JOE, I AM DESPERATE!
I'VE TRIED EVERY WEAPON
IN MY ARSENAL.
I'VE TRIED CHARM,
DECEIT, AVOIDANCE,
CRASS MANIPULATION.
ALL MY OLD FRIENDS
HAVE FAILED ME.
I KNOW THIS IS, UH,
SORT OF A RADICAL IDEA,
BUT HOW ABOUT
TELLIN' HER THE TRUTH?
OH, SURE, JOE.
WHY DON'T I JUST STICK
A BULL'S-EYE ON MY PRIVATES?
BRIAN,
COLLEEN IS HERE,
AND SHE'S
WEARING LIPSTICK.
[groans]
OK.
OK, JOE.
I'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.
BUT IF SHE KILLS ME,
I'M GONNA COME BACK
FROM THE GRAVE
AND MESS UP
YOUR SOCK DRAWER.
ALL SET?
UH, COLLEEN,
I THINK WE NEED
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
BE GOOD TO HIM.
[sobbing]
[Helen guffawing]
COLLEEN, I HAVE SOMETHING
I WANNA SAY TO YOU.
[laughing]
WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
PROPOSE TO ME, ARE YOU?
BECAUSE I HAD
THIS FUNNY PREMONITION.
THAT IS FUNNY.
THEN IT'S TRUE.
NO, IT'S JUST FUNNY.
LOOK, COLLEEN...
COLLEEN, THERE'S NOT
GONNA BE A WEEKEND TRIP.
THERE'S NOT?
NO, THERE'S NOT.
OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
HAS BEEN A SHAM,
I'VE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED
WITH HELEN,
AND THE ONLY REASON
I WENT OUT WITH YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE
WAS TO KEEP MY BROTHER
FROM GETTING ARRESTED.
NOW, I'LL UNDERSTAND
IF YOU'RE UPSET!
BUT ALL I ASK
IS THAT YOU PLEASE...
DON'T MARK UP MY FACE.
OK.
"OK" AS IN "OK, YOU WON'T
MARK UP MY FACE,"
OR "OK" AS IN "OK,
IT'S ALL OK WITH YOU"?
IT'S FINE WITH ME, BRIAN.
[exclaims in relief]
OH, THAT'S GREAT!
THAT'S GREAT. TO THINK I...
I WAS AFRAID OF
HOW YOU'D TAKE ALL THIS.
WELL, THAT'S THAT, THEN.
I GUESS I'LL BE, UH,
SEEIN' YOU AROUND, HUH?
HMM. IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE BUMPING
INTO EACH OTHER.
YES.
EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, I...
[clears throat]
I'D LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN.
I HAVE 200
UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
WELL, THEN I'LL HAVE
TO TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE STATION.
I MIGHT BE A BAD BOY,
I MIGHT RESIST.
[whistling]
MORNING, JOE.
MORNING, BRIAN.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M OUT HERE.
IS THERE COFFEE
READY YET?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COLLEEN CAME BY LAST NIGHT
TO THANK ME FOR MY HONESTY.
AND YOU KNOW, JOE,
I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT:
THAT THE TRUTH
IS A HARD PILL
TO SWALLOW.
SO WAS THAT WAD OF COTTON
SHE STUFFED IN MY MOUTH.
HOW LONG
YOU BEEN UP THERE?
OH, IT'S HARD TO TELL.
I'VE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS 3...
MAYBE 12 TIMES.
YEAH.
WELL, THANKS
ANYWAY, BRIAN,
BUT TO BE QUITE
HONEST WITH YOU,
IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU STAGED IT.
TO HYANNIS
AND I'M A LITTLE SHORT
ON CASH. SO HOW ABOUT
WE MAKE A TRADE?
FRESH-CAUGHT FISH
FOR A TICKET.
I'LL, UH,
GIVE YOU 4 HADDOCK.
4 HADDOCK?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WHAT KIND OF
A BACKWOODS OPERATION
DO YOU THINK
WE'RE RUNNING HERE?
JOE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS GUY WANTS
TO GIVE US 4 HADDOCK
FOR A ONE-WAY TO HYANNIS.
NO WAY.
6, AND NOT A HADDOCK LESS.
IT'S A DEAL.
THROW IN A BUCKET OF CLAMS,
AND I'LL UPGRADE YOU
TO FIRST CLASS.
[seagulls cawing]
[phone ringing]
[plane engine roaring]
[exclaims]
OH, ROY.
THANK GOD IT'S YOU.
I THOUGHT ONE OF THOSE
BIG, SWEATY BEETLES
HAD LANDED ON MY LENS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LOWELL?
VIDEOTAPING THE AIRPORT
SO YOU CAN SEE
WHERE YOU USED TO WORK?
NO. AMERICA'S
WACKIEST VIDEOS
IS OFFERING A
$100,000 PRIZE.
AND I JUST WANNA
BE READY IN CASE
ANYTHING WACKY HAPPENS.
SAY, ROY, HOW ABOUT
YOU LOOSEN YOUR BELT,
LET YOUR PANTS FALL DOWN
AROUND YOUR ANKLES,
AND DO THAT LITTLE
WADDLE OF YOURS?
HOW ABOUT
I TAKE OFF MY BELT
AND WRAP IT
AROUND YOUR NECK
AND TIGHTEN IT
TILL YOUR EYES BULGE OUT?
OH, IT'S A GOOD THOUGHT,
ROY, BUT THEY DID THAT
LAST WEEK WITH A CAT.
IS THERE A JOE HACKETT HERE?
I'M JOE HACKETT.
YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR IS PARKED
IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE.
OH, THERE MUST BE
SOME MISTAKE.
I WOULD NEVER PARK IN A--
(Brian)
HEY, THANKS A LOT, JOE.
BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE A LITTLE LOW
ON GAS.
FINE. JUST
GIVE ME THE TICKET.
HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
A CHARM BRACELET.
A LITTLE TOKEN OF AFFECTION
FROM THE CITY FATHERS.
OOH, NOW THIS
LOOKS PROMISING.
BEAT IT.
THIS IS HOW
YOU GUYS HANDLE
A PARKING VIOLATION?
THIS IS HOW WE HANDLE
42 PARKING VIOLATIONS.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT--
EXCUSE ME, OFFICER,
I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE,
BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT THIS MAN IS INNOCENT,
WHOEVER HE IS.
CAN I HAVE
A MOMENT ALONE
WITH MY BROTHER?
JOE? JOE, IS THAT YOU?
YOU'VE GOT 30 SECONDS.
DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.
BUT IF YOU DO,
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER HERE.
SHE SAYS I HAVE
42 TICKETS, BRIAN.
CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, JOE.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 43,
BUT I DROVE OFF
WHILE THEY WERE WRITIN'
ONE OF 'EM.
HEY, SUGAR BUNS,
MOVE IT ALONG.
SUGAR BUNS! HUH?
ISN'T THAT CUTE, JOE?
SHE'S ALREADY GIVEN YOU
A PRISON NICKNAME.
ONE I SUGGEST YOU CHANGE,
BY THE WAY.
BRIAN...
RELAX, JOE, RELAX.
I WILL GET US OUT OF THIS.
HOW?
COME ON. SHE'S A WOMAN,
I'M ME.
FILL IN THE BLANKS.
I REALLY DON'T WANNA
GO TO PRISON, BRIAN.
UH, HI,
OFFICER...THOMAS.
BRIAN HACKETT.
[smacks lips]
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
NO!
[chuckling]
NO, NO PROBLEM.
YOU'RE NEW TO THE ISLAND,
AREN'T YOU?
YEAH. SO?
I DON'T KNOW,
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
INCREDIBLY FAMILIAR ABOUT YOU.
MAYBE, IT'S THAT
ENCHANTING PERFUME
YOU'RE WEARING.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
DEODORANT.
MMM!
BET IT'S FRENCH.
FRENCH... FRANCE.
THAT'S IT.
THE LINE OF YOUR CHEEKBONE
TAKES ME BACK
TO THAT AFTERNOON I SPENT
AT THE MUSEE D'ORSAY IN PARIS.
I WAS MESMERIZED
BY THE GRACEFUL BEAUTY
OF A GREEK GODDESS.
DOES ANYONE
EVER BUY THAT CRAP?
YOU'D BE AMAZED.
LOOK, OFFICER--
LOOK, I--I'LL
MAKE YOU A DEAL.
IF I LET HIM GO,
WILL YOU JUST,
UH, SHUT UP?
BY LETTING HIM GO,
DO YOU MEAN LETTING HIM
OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS
OR LETTING HIM
OUT OF THE TICKETS?
DON'T PUSH IT.
YOU'RE NOT THAT CUTE.
JUST PAY
THESE TICKETS
BY 5:00, ACE.
OH, BELIEVE ME,
SOMEONE WILL PAY.
THANK YOU, OFFICER THOMAS.
COLLEEN.
OH, OK. WELL, UH, THIS HAS
BEEN A REALLY INCREDIBLE
EXPERIENCE, COLLEEN.
WE'LL HAVE TO DO IT
AGAIN SOMETIME.
WHEN?
WHEN WHAT?
UH, I THINK
SHE MEANS "WHEN"
AS IN,
WHEN ARE YOU TWO
GONNA GET TOGETHER?
YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE
ALWAYS SAY THAT,
AND THEY NEVER
ACTUALLY SET A TIME?
UH...
SO, WHEN, BRIAN?
UH, YOU KNOW,
W-WHENEVER.
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
I FINISH TEACHING
MY MACE CLASS AT 8:00.
PERFECT.
OH, UH, I--I REALLY
HAVE A FLIGHT TONIGHT.
SORRY, NO CAN DO.
NO, NO, YOU CAN DO.
THAT'S MY FLIGHT.
YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU
REMEMBER THAT I PROMISED
TO TAKE IT FOR YOU?
NO.
UH, YOU 2 KIDS GO OUT,
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
DINNER,
MAYBE A DOUGHNUT.
[mumbling]
JOE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THAT I OWE YOU A FLIGHT?
BRIAN, AFTER
WHAT YOU JUST DID FOR ME,
CONSIDER THE SLATE CLEAN.
8:30. PICK ME UP
AT THE STATION.
BEFORE WE GO TO DINNER,
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE MORGUE
AND SHOW YOU THE CORPSE
WE PULLED OUT OF THE HARBOR.
HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
SHE IS ONE
SCARY WOMAN.
WELL, SHE'S A SCARY
WOMAN, YOU'RE YOU.
FILL IN THE BLANKS.
[cutlery clinking]
LOWELL MATHER, I CATCH YOU
MESSING WITH ANYTHING
ON MY COUNTER AGAIN,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
PICKIN' YOUR NOSE
WITH YOUR FOOT.
I THINK YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED
WITH MY COUSIN BEVO.
DO I LOOK CONFUSED?
NO, MA'AM.
BUT, UH, HELEN,
YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK
THOSE CREAM DISPENSERS
TO MAKE SURE NOBODY PUT
ANY, UH, YOU KNOW,
KAOPECTATE IN THEM
OR ANYTHING.
HEY, BRO.
DID YOU HAVE FUN
ON YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT?
WELL, LET ME PUT IT
TO YOU THIS WAY:
VIEWING THE CORPSE
IN THE MORGUE
WAS THE HIGH POINT
OF THE EVENING.
WELL, STILL,
YOU GOT HOME PRETTY LATE.
DID, UH, DID ANYTHING HAPPEN?
YEAH, HACKETT.
DID YOU TWO, UH,
HOW DO THE POLICE SAY IT,
"ASSUME THE POSITION"?
[groans]
CUT ME A LITTLE
SLACK, ROY, OK?
NO. NO, NO,
IT'S A FAIR QUESTION.
WAS THERE ANY
PHYSICAL CONTACT?
OH, YEAH, THERE WAS
PHYSICAL CONTACT, ALL RIGHT.
ON THE WAY
OUT OF THE RESTAURANT,
SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN
TO DEMONSTRATE A SELECTION
OF SUBMISSION HOLDS ON ME.
YEAH?
EACH OF THEM
INVOLVED GRINDING HER HEEL
INTO THE SMALL OF MY BACK.
OH! SPIKED HEELS OR PUMPS?
THIS WAS THE WORST DATE
I EVER HAD.
BESIDES BEING BOTH
VIOLENT AND BORING,
IT VIOLATED MY RULE
OF NEVER GOIN' OUT
WITH ANYBODY
IN POLYESTER
STRETCH PANTS.
NO OFFENSE, ROY.
ANYWAY, IT'S
ALL OVER WITH
AND I'VE LEARNED
SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
YEAH. YOU SHOULD
PAY YOUR PARKING TICKETS
WHEN YOU GET 'EM.
NO, THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
FROM NOW ON, BIG SHOT.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I'M PULLING YOUR FANNY
OUT OF THE FIRE.
FANNY ON FIRE? BOY,
A GUY LEAVES THE ROOM
FOR ONE MINUTE...
WELL, THE UPSIDE IS,
NO WAY SHE'S EVER GONNA
WANT TO SEE ME EVER AGAIN.
BRIAN, I ALMOST FORGOT.
THIS WAS DELIVERED
EARLIER FOR YOU.
(all)
AW!
WHAT? WHAT?
IT'S NOT NECESSARILY
FROM HER.
A TEDDY BEAR
DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN
COULD BE FROM ANYONE.
[crying]
OH, GOD.
[Roy chuckling]
"DEAREST BRIAN,
HERE'S A WIDDLE
POWICE BEAR
FOR YOU TO CUDDLE WIF
TONIGHT."
NOT MUCH OF A SPELLER,
IS SHE?
BOY, I'LL SAY.
ONE "D" IN "WIDDLE."
[snorts]
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I DON'T WANNA
GET INVOLVED
WITH A WOMAN
WITH A BRASS KNUCKLE
COLLECTION.
JEEZ, LOUISE.
I SPEND A FORTUNE ON THOSE
976 NUMBERS TO GET
MY DREAM GAL, AND NOTHIN',
AND YOU WIND UP
WITH VENUS.
I'M GONNA GO DOWN
TO THE STATION
RIGHT NOW,
AND I'M GONNA END
THIS THING WITH COLLEEN
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
IT'S TIME I STARTED
TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS BEAR
WITH THE DESK SERGEANT
AND RUN LIKE HELL.
BRIAN.
OH!
HOW DID YOU LIKE MY GIFT?
UH...
UH, I WOVE MY WIDDLE FWIEND.
OUTSTANDING.
I WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
LAST NIGHT
WAS JUST SO WONDERFUL.
MMM.
SO WILL I BE
SEEING YOU?
OH, HECK,
IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE
SEEIN' EACH OTHER
AROUND, YOU KNOW?
NO, I MEAN,
WILL I BE "SEEING" YOU?
DOESN'T NOW QUALIFY?
I'M GETTING SOME
WEIRD VIBES HERE, BRIAN.
YOU WEREN'T TOYING WITH ME
LAST NIGHT, WERE YOU?
I MEAN, THIS WASN'T
JUST ABOUT GETTING OUT
OF SOME TICKETS?
[sighing]
BECAUSE IF IT WAS,
I SWEAR...
NO, NO. COLLEEN!
[chuckles]
COLLEEN!
COLLIE, COLLIE,
COLLIE, NO.
SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 7
TO PROVINCETOWN
IS NOW READY FOR BOARDING.
AH, THERE IS MY FLIGHT.
GOT TO RUN.
YOU'LL CALL ME
WHEN YOU GET BACK?
UH, SURE, AS IF MY LIFE
DEPENDED ON IT.
IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?
[yawning]
FAY, DO I LOOK
AS BAD AS I FEEL?
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE
DEATH WARMED OVER?
YES, I DO.
YOU SEE, JOE? THAT WASN'T
SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.
I JUST CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THIS IS THE 3RD
NIGHT IN A ROW.
COLLEEN KEEPS CALLING
AT ALL HOURS AND BRIAN
REFUSES TO TALK TO HER.
SO AS USUAL,
IT'S ME THAT HAS
TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LET IT RING?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
[phone ringing]
NO, YOU CAN'T. YOU HAVE
TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
[phone continues ringing]
SAYS WHO?
AREN'T YOU
GONNA ANSWER THAT?
NO.
[phone continues ringing]
AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
[ringing continues]
FEEL THE FREEDOM, JOE,
FEEL THE POWER
OF NOT ANSWERING
A RINGING PHONE.
[phone stops ringing]
NOW, DON'T YOU
FEEL BETTER?
NO!
OH, COME ON, JOE,
THINK ABOUT IT.
HOW MANY PHONE CALLS
IN YOUR LIFE
HAVE BEEN SO IMPORTANT
THEY COULDN'T WAIT?
FAY, YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.
YOUR GARAGE IS ON FIRE.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
HI, FAY, NICE BLOUSE.
THANK YOU, IT'S NEW.
HEY, BRIAN. YOU HAVE GOT
TO END THIS THING
WITH COLLEEN TODAY.
LOOK--
NOW. THIS MINUTE!
JOE, RELAX, WILL YOU?
THE COLD-SHOULDER
STRATEGY IS IN EFFECT.
SHE'LL GET THE HINT
EVENTUALLY.
OH, BRIAN.
YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT
COLLEEN THAT WAY.
IT IS SUCH
THE TYPICAL GUTLESS GUY
WAY OF HANDLING THINGS.
RIGHT, RECOMMENDED BY
98 OUT OF 100 GUTLESS GUYS
AS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.
HELEN'S RIGHT, BRIAN.
JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.
THE TRUTH?
SHE'D RATHER HEAR ANYTHING
THAN HEAR THAT
HE DOESN'T LIKE HER.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU TELL HER
A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
THEREFORE,
SHE CAN WALK AWAY
WITH HER DIGNITY INTACT.
THE TRUTH.
[snorting]
WELL, EXCUSE ME
FOR WANTING TO LIVE
IN A WORLD
WHERE PEOPLE DON'T LIE,
AND MAYBE ANSWER THE PHONE
ONCE IN A WHILE.
THANK YOU BOTH
FOR YOUR ADVICE,
BUT BELIEVE ME,
WHEN I GIVE A WOMAN
THE COLD SHOULDER,
SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.
BRIAN.
OH!
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN
RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS?
JOE, COLLEEN'S BEEN CALLING
AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?
[tisking]
SO EVERYTHING'S OK?
AH, SURE, SURE.
OUTSTANDING, BECAUSE
TONIGHT IS COUPLES' NIGHT
AT THE PISTOL RANGE.
LOOK, UH, COLLEEN,
BEFORE WE GET AROUND
ANY LIVE AMMO,
I--I--I REALLY THINK
WE NEED TO TALK.
ABOUT WHAT?
WELL...
UH, GOSH,
I--I REALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS.
[stuttering]
OK, LOOK,
I SORT OF HAD THIS
ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN
RELATIONSHIP
WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN.
NOT NEARLY
AS TOGETHER AS YOU.
ANYWAY, WHEN I MET HER,
IT WAS KIND OF OFF,
BUT NOW IT'S KIND OF--
CRAP.
I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.
JUST LIKE PROBABLY
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
EVERYTHING UP.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
COLLEEN, I'M SHOCKED.
THEN WHO IS SHE?
WHO IS SHE?
WHO IS SHE?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO SHE IS.
SHE'S HER.
OK, ROY.
WHEN I GIVE YOU
THE SIGNAL,
YOU START SHOOTING
AND I'LL WALK INTO THAT DOOR.
OK?
[chuckling]
OK.
DID YOU GET IT?
YEP, WE--
OH, NO, WAIT, DARN.
I PRESSED PLAY
INSTEAD OF RECORD.
WE--WE BETTER
TRY IT AGAIN.
OK. READY?
MMM.
[exhales]
DID YOU GET IT?
UM, IT WAS A LITTLE
OUT OF FOCUS. WE BETTER
DO IT ONE MORE TIME, HUH?
OK.
READY?
[muttering]
DID YOU GET IT?
IT WASN'T FRAMED
JUST RIGHT.
SO, UM,
WE SHOULD TRY ONE MORE.
I--I'LL GET HER
THIS TIME FOR SURE.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, TROY.
READY?
YOU OK, LOWELL?
YES.
AND I'LL TAKE "POTPOURRI"
FOR $50, ALEX.
[phone ringing]
OH, THE DAILY DOUBLE.
WELL, JOE. YOU'RE LOOKING
MUCH BETTER THIS MORNING.
FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT BRIAN DID,
BUT COLLEEN SEEMS
TO BE OUT OF OUR LIFE.
[crashing]
WHAT'S WRONG?
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON,
BUT THAT POLICEWOMAN
WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.
ON THE WAY TO WORK,
SHE STOPS ME 3 TIMES.
ONCE FOR HAVING
MY REGISTRATION STICKER
IN THE WRONG PLACE,
ONCE FOR NOT MAKING
A COMPLETE STOP
AT A STOP SIGN,
AND ONCE FOR GOING
A MEASLY 2 MILES
OVER THE SPEED LIMIT.
WELL,
DID YOU DO THOSE THINGS?
WHO ARE YOU,
DONNY OSMOND?
OF COURSE
I DID THOSE THINGS!
THAT'S NOT
THE POINT, JOE.
DOES ANYONE HERE
HAVE A BLACK JEEP LAREDO
WITH THE LICENSE PLATE
"CELLO"?
THAT'S MY JEEP.
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL
THAT'S MY JEEP!
[clears throat]
REMEMBER THAT
YOU STOPPED ME 3 TIMES
EARLIER TODAY?
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.
[whimpers]
WHAT IS THIS FOR?
BROKEN TAILLIGHT.
NO, THAT CAN'T BE.
I LEFT MY JEEP
NOT 5 MINUTES AGO.
IT DID NOT HAVE
A BROKEN TAILLIGHT.
OH, GEE.
IT DOES NOW!
HI, FAY.
BEAUTIFUL DAY,
ISN'T IT?
SUN'S OUT,
THE BIRDS ARE SINGING,
I DON'T HAVE A STILETTO HEEL
WEDGED BETWEEN MY VERTEBRAE.
BRIAN, YOU'RE A SWEET BOY,
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HALF OF WHAT YOU SAY.
HEY, BRIAN,
WHEN YOU SETTLED THINGS
WITH COLLEEN,
EXACTLY HOW DID YOU
SETTLE 'EM?
OH, I JUST TOOK HELEN'S ADVICE
AND I SIMPLY TOLD COLLEEN
A LITTLE WHITE LIE
TO SPARE HER FEELINGS.
WHAT KIND OF
LITTLE WHITE LIE?
I TOLD HER
HELEN WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.
[door banging]
DID YOU BOTHER
TELLING HELEN ABOUT THIS?
THAT PSYCHO
BROKE MY TAILLIGHT!
IT DIDN'T SEEM
TO INVOLVE HER.
WHAT HAVE I DONE
TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING, HELEN.
BRIAN TOLD COLLEEN
THAT YOU WERE
HIS GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT? YOU DID WHAT?
WELL, Y-YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO TOLD ME TO TELL HER
A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
YES. A LITTLE WHITE LIE--
(Colleen)
YO, MISS CHAPEL.
CHARMING LITTLE CAFE
YOU HAVE HERE.
I'LL HAVE TO RECOMMEND IT
TO THE HEALTH INSPECTOR.
THAT'S IT, BRIAN.
2 CAN PLAY THIS GAME.
EXCUSE ME, UH,
OFFICER THOMAS,
I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR A LITTLE
GIRL-TO-GIRL TALK HERE.
YEAH?
LOOK, I KNOW
WHEN I'M OVERMATCHED.
WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO SAY?
I'M TRYING TO SAY
THAT I KNOW
ABOUT YOU AND BRIAN.
AND I KNOW...
[whispering loudly]
THAT HE'S GOT IT
BAD FOR YOU.
HE DOES?
OH, YES, HE DOES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU CAN HAVE HIM.
HELEN, HELEN!
HE'S YOURS.
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
OH, YES, I DO.
I FOUND OUT
ABOUT THOSE
RESERVATIONS.
WHAT RESERVATIONS?
YES, WHAT RESERVATIONS?
YOU KNOW,
THE ONES YOU MADE
AT THAT COZY LITTLE INN
IN VERMONT THIS WEEKEND?
(Helen)
SEE, I HATE THE WOODS.
SO I KNOW
HE WASN'T PLANNING
TO TAKE ME THERE.
BUT I WAS. I WAS!
OH, BRIAN,
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?
WELL, CHECK-IN IS AT 4:00,
SO IF YOU WANNA
CATCH THE FERRY--
OUTSTANDING!
I'LL JUST SWING BY MY PLACE
AND PICK UP A FEW THINGS.
OH, AND, HELEN,
FORGET ABOUT THAT TICKET.
I GOT WHAT I WANT.
OH, PACK A PINK NIGHTIE.
BRIAN LOVES PINK.
WELCOME TO THE
BIG LEAGUES, SPARKY.
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
IF SOMEONE WERE
TO JAM YOUR HEAD
IN A DISHWASHER,
WOULD YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTION
TO MY FILMING YOUR REAR END
HANGING OUT?
JUST TRYING TO MAKE
AMERICA LAUGH.
OH, UH, LOWELL,
THAT FILE DRAWER
IN JOE'S OFFICE
CAME OFF ITS ROLLERS AGAIN.
UH, COULD YOU FIX IT?
YEAH, SURE, FAY.
MIGHT AS WELL.
NOTHING WACKY EVER
HAPPENS AROUND HERE.
[golf balls clattering]
HEY, MIKE.
WELL,
THAT FILE DRAWER'S FIXED.
I'M GONNA HEAD INTO TOWN
AND SEE IF ANYTHING WACKY
IS HAPPENING THERE.
COLLEEN'S DUE HERE
ANY SECOND.
I JUST CAME
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
I'VE ENTERED MYSELF
INTO THE WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM, JOE.
IF YOU NEED ME,
WIRE NILES UNDERWOOD,
ENID, OKLAHOMA.
GEE, NILES, UH,
IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL MISS
YOUR WEEKEND IN VERMONT.
[laughing]
[scoffing]
YOU'RE GETTING A BIG KICK
OUT OF THIS, AREN'T YOU?
YOU SAID I SHOULD
LAUGH MORE, BRIAN.
JOE, I AM DESPERATE!
I'VE TRIED EVERY WEAPON
IN MY ARSENAL.
I'VE TRIED CHARM,
DECEIT, AVOIDANCE,
CRASS MANIPULATION.
ALL MY OLD FRIENDS
HAVE FAILED ME.
I KNOW THIS IS, UH,
SORT OF A RADICAL IDEA,
BUT HOW ABOUT
TELLIN' HER THE TRUTH?
OH, SURE, JOE.
WHY DON'T I JUST STICK
A BULL'S-EYE ON MY PRIVATES?
BRIAN,
COLLEEN IS HERE,
AND SHE'S
WEARING LIPSTICK.
[groans]
OK.
OK, JOE.
I'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY.
BUT IF SHE KILLS ME,
I'M GONNA COME BACK
FROM THE GRAVE
AND MESS UP
YOUR SOCK DRAWER.
ALL SET?
UH, COLLEEN,
I THINK WE NEED
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
BE GOOD TO HIM.
[sobbing]
[Helen guffawing]
COLLEEN, I HAVE SOMETHING
I WANNA SAY TO YOU.
[laughing]
WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
PROPOSE TO ME, ARE YOU?
BECAUSE I HAD
THIS FUNNY PREMONITION.
THAT IS FUNNY.
THEN IT'S TRUE.
NO, IT'S JUST FUNNY.
LOOK, COLLEEN...
COLLEEN, THERE'S NOT
GONNA BE A WEEKEND TRIP.
THERE'S NOT?
NO, THERE'S NOT.
OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
HAS BEEN A SHAM,
I'VE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED
WITH HELEN,
AND THE ONLY REASON
I WENT OUT WITH YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE
WAS TO KEEP MY BROTHER
FROM GETTING ARRESTED.
NOW, I'LL UNDERSTAND
IF YOU'RE UPSET!
BUT ALL I ASK
IS THAT YOU PLEASE...
DON'T MARK UP MY FACE.
OK.
"OK" AS IN "OK, YOU WON'T
MARK UP MY FACE,"
OR "OK" AS IN "OK,
IT'S ALL OK WITH YOU"?
IT'S FINE WITH ME, BRIAN.
[exclaims in relief]
OH, THAT'S GREAT!
THAT'S GREAT. TO THINK I...
I WAS AFRAID OF
HOW YOU'D TAKE ALL THIS.
WELL, THAT'S THAT, THEN.
I GUESS I'LL BE, UH,
SEEIN' YOU AROUND, HUH?
HMM. IT'S A SMALL ISLAND.
I'M SURE WE'LL BE BUMPING
INTO EACH OTHER.
YES.
EXCUSE ME, OFFICER, I...
[clears throat]
I'D LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN.
I HAVE 200
UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
WELL, THEN I'LL HAVE
TO TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE STATION.
I MIGHT BE A BAD BOY,
I MIGHT RESIST.
[whistling]
MORNING, JOE.
MORNING, BRIAN.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M OUT HERE.
IS THERE COFFEE
READY YET?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COLLEEN CAME BY LAST NIGHT
TO THANK ME FOR MY HONESTY.
AND YOU KNOW, JOE,
I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT:
THAT THE TRUTH
IS A HARD PILL
TO SWALLOW.
SO WAS THAT WAD OF COTTON
SHE STUFFED IN MY MOUTH.
HOW LONG
YOU BEEN UP THERE?
OH, IT'S HARD TO TELL.
I'VE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS 3...
MAYBE 12 TIMES.
YEAH.
WELL, THANKS
ANYWAY, BRIAN,
BUT TO BE QUITE
HONEST WITH YOU,
IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU STAGED IT.