Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 6 - It's Not the Thought, It's the Gift That Counts - full transcript
Joe and Brian compete to see who get Helen the better birthday gift as a means to try and impress her.
[people chattering]
OH, JOE.
I--I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,
BUT IN THE SPIRIT
OF GLOBAL AWARENESS,
I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF REPLACING
ALL OUR PLASTIC CUPS
WITH BIODEGRADABLE ONES.
FAY, THAT IS GREAT.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE
ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS
THESE DAYS.
BUT DON'T WE STILL HAVE
300 OR 400 OF THE OLD CUPS?
OH, THOSE. I TOSSED THEM.
[seagulls cawing]
[projector whirring]
(Helen)
SO, I OPEN THIS PACKAGE
FROM MY PARENTS
AND IN IT ARE THESE
REALLY GREAT HOME MOVIES
OF MY 11TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
YOU WERE THERE, JOE,
LOOKING ABOUT AS RELAXED
AS I'VE EVER SEEN YOU.
AND YOU, TOO, BRIAN.
YOU WERE BEING TOTALLY YOU.
THERE WAS A WONDERFUL
SHOT OF YOUR MOM.
OH, AND REMEMBER THOSE SILLY
GAMES WE USED TO PLAY?
BRIAN WAS THE WINNER
OF THE EGG RACE.
WELL, THE DISPUTED WINNER.
I WAS HAVIN' A GREAT TIME.
YOU KNOW,
IT REALLY DOESN'T TAKE MUCH
TO AMUSE AN 11-YEAR-OLD.
I SWEAR THERE WAS NOT
ONE SHOT OF ME
WHERE I WASN'T
STUFFING, CHEWING,
SWILLING OR SWALLOWING.
NO, I TAKE THAT BACK.
THERE WAS ONE OR TWO
OF ME GAGGING.
I REMEMBER THAT PARTY.
I PAID BETH PARKS
50 CENTS
TO DO A HANDSTAND
IN HER PARTY DRESS.
YEAH. SHE'D HAVE DONE IT
FOR A QUARTER
BUT I WAS FEELIN'
GENEROUS THAT DAY.
OH!
YEAH. I REMEMBER THAT.
NO WAY!
MR. GOODY-TWO-SHOES HERE
WAS COVERING HIS EYES
WITH HIS HANDS.
YEAH. BUT I WAS PEEKING
THROUGH MY FINGERS.
I FORGET, JOE,
WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER
YOU TOOK A HEADER
INTO THE BIRTHDAY CAKE?
BRIAN, I DIDN'T TAKE A HEADER.
YOU TRIPPED ME.
JOE, IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED
LIVIN' THAT LIE.
YOU DROPPED THE CAKE
ON THE LAWN
AND YOU FELL IN IT.
MY CAKE WAS TOTALLY COVERED
IN GRASS CLIPPINGS.
I ATE IT ANYWAY.
IT WAS THE ONLY ROUGHAGE
I HAD THAT YEAR.
THOSE MOVIES SOUND LIKE
A LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
BIRTHDAY PRESENT?
WHAT BIRTHDAY PRESENT?
WHEN'S HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?
IT'S TODAY.
WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
LOWELL.
LOWELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT
TODAY WAS HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?
UH, SURE DID.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FORGET.
FALLS ON THE SAME DAY
SIR JOHN SPEKE DISCOVERED
THE SOURCE OF THE NILE.
NOW, YOU COMIN'
TO THE PARTY?
PARTY? THERE'S A PARTY?
UH, SURE WOULD'VE BEEN NICE
IF YOU GUYS HAD TOLD ME
YOU WERE THROWIN'
A PARTY FOR HER.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
WE DO THIS EVERY YEAR.
I BAKE A CAKE.
WE WAIT IN THE HANGAR,
SHE COMES IN
AND WE ALL YELL, "SURPRISE."
AND UNBELIEVABLY,
EVERY YEAR SHE SCREAMS.
MAYBE HELEN'S
JUST BEING POLITE.
NO, I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT FAY.
AH, I HATE THIS.
I'M COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK
FOR A GIFT AT THE LAST MINUTE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW, BRIAN,
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO BENEFIT
FROM MY EXPERIENCE.
I FOUND THAT IF YOU PANIC
OVER THESE THINGS,
YOU TEND TO FREEZE UP.
SO JUST STAY CALM. RELAX.
AND I'M SURE YOU'LL THINK
OF SOMETHIN' VERY SPECIAL
TO GET HELEN
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT, LOWELL.
SO, UH,
WHAT DID YOU GET HELEN?
OH, MY GOD!
FAY, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD TAKE A LOOK
AT MY HOUSEHOLD BUDGET
FOR ME.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM,
LOWELL?
I'M, UH, RUNNING OUT OF MONEY
BY THE 3RD DAY OF THE MONTH.
OH.
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
I FIGURED YOU'D BE
THE PERSON TO COME TO,
SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE
SO DARN GOOD
WITH NUMBERS AND ALL.
I MEAN, FLIGHT 23, GATE 1.
FLIGHT 45, GATE 1.
FLIGHT 67, GATE 1.
HOW YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH
FLIGHT GOES TO WHICH GATE,
I'LL NEVER KNOW.
JOE, JOE, JOE, CHECK OUT
WHAT I GOT FOR HELEN.
A PORTABLE CASSETTE PLAYER.
WOW, WHAT'D THAT
SET YOU BACK?
UH, $65.
$65?
BRIAN,
THAT'S WAY OUT OF LINE.
WE ALWAYS GET HELEN
LITTLE THINGS.
SO?
OH, HO-HO, I SEE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYIN' TO DO.
YOU ONLY GOT HELEN
SOMETHIN' BIG TO GET HER
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
[in British accent]
OH, DEAR, YOU'VE SEEN PAST
MY FEEBLE CHARADE.
YEAH.
WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
HELEN IS NOT THE TYPE
TO LOSE HER HEAD
OVER SOME SILLY GIFT.
[projector whirring]
COME ON, JOE, DON'T MAKE
SUCH A BIG DEAL OF IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY
DID YOU SPEND ON HER?
ABOUT $10.
[in British accent]
DON'T I FEEL
THE PERFECT FOOL.
HERE I SPENT ALL THIS MONEY
AND I'M SURE
SHE'LL LIKE YOUR GIFT
JUST AS MUCH
AS SHE LIKES MINE.
HI, JOE.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
I WAS IN TOWN,
I WALKED PAST A STORE,
I SAW THIS,
HAD HELEN'S NAME
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
MONSIEUR CHEESE POT.
YOU SEE, YOU HEAT UP CHEESE
IN THIS THING
UNTIL IT GETS
ALL SOFT AND GOOEY.
AND THEN YOU TAKE
THESE LITTLE PIECES OF BREAD
AND YOU PUT THEM
ON THESE STICKS
AND DIP THEM INTO IT.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
ASSUMING ANYONE WOULD
EVER WANT TO DO THAT.
YOU DON'T THINK
HELEN'S GONNA LIKE IT?
OF COURSE SHE WILL.
SURE, AFTER A LONG DAY
SLAVING OVER A HOT,
GREASY GRIDDLE,
THERE'S NOTHING
SHE'D RATHER DO
THAN SIT DOWN
IN FRONT OF A HOT
BUBBLING CAULDRON OF CHEDDAR.
COME HERE.
I NEED YOUR FINGER.
I GOT ONE FOR YOU.
NO, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, THIS BOX
LOOKS A LITTLE BIG
FOR A PORTABLE
CASSETTE PLAYER.
AH, WELL, I TOOK THAT BACK.
I GOT TO THINKIN', UH,
IF I'M GOING TO LAUNCH
THE GOOD SHIP HELEN,
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
TO GREASE THE SKIDS A BIT,
SO I GOT HER
A CORDLESS PHONE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU WENT OUT AND PURPOSELY
GOT A BETTER GIFT THAN MINE.
A BETTER GIFT THAN
AN ELECTRIC CHEESE MELTER?
SURELY YOU JEST.
RELAX, JOE.
I JUST CHANGED MY MIND.
BULL.
YOU'RE TRYING TO ONE-UP ME.
YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME
LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF HELEN.
JOEY, BABE, YOU SOUND
A LITTLE PARANOID HERE.
WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE
TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
[projector whirring]
[inaudible]
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
IF YOU WANT,
HERE'S SOME PAPER
SO YOU CAN WRAP UP
MONSIEUR CHEESE BREATH.
POT.
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
UH, UH, UH,
I HAVE TO GET
MY FOOT MEASURED.
JOE, THIS ISN'T ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR CLEVER FIBS, IS IT?
NO.
FAY, HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE
TO PERUSE MY BUDGET YET?
YES, LOWELL.
I HAVE AND I HAVE
ONE TINY QUESTION.
FIRE AWAY.
WHAT'S THIS $112.50
A WEEK FOR TUXEDO RENTAL?
[plane passing]
THAT'S FOR TUXEDO RENTAL.
BUT LOWELL,
WHY ARE YOU PAYING MONEY
TO A TUXEDO RENTAL SHOP
EVERY WEEK?
OH, IT WAS
MY UNCLE EVERETT'S
LAST WISH TO BE BURIED
IN WHITE TIE AND TAILS.
I THOUGHT
IT WAS MY FAMILIAL DUTY
TO SEE THAT WISH CARRIED OUT.
SO, YOU'VE BEEN RENTING
A TUXEDO BY THE WEEK?
WELL, I SEE YOUR POINT.
YEAH, MONTHLY WOULD HAVE BEEN
THE WAY TO GO ON THAT.
LOWELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
BUY THE TUXEDO?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW EXPENSIVE
THOSE THINGS ARE?
HELL AND I GOT A GREAT DEAL
ON THIS ONE.
NO PANTS.
I FIGURED
WHY SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY
IF THEY DON'T OPEN
THE WHOLE CASKET, RIGHT?
I WANT YOU TO GO DOWN
TO THAT TUXEDO SHOP TODAY
AND TELL THEM YOU'D LIKE
AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR MONEY
REFUNDED.
WHAT IF THEY WANT
THE TUXEDO BACK?
SOMETHING TELLS ME THEY WON'T.
HACKETT,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
IN TOWN GETTIN' HELEN
A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
HMM. WHAT DID YOU GET HER?
FRENCH PERFUME.
TOUJOURS.
$150 AN OUNCE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MMM, VERY CLASSY.
SHOULD GO REAL WELL WITH THAT
ITALIAN HANDKNIT SWEATER
YOUR BROTHER GOT HER.
WHAT?
YEAH.
SAID HE DROPPED $200 ON IT.
HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU.
THEN WHY'D YOU TELL ME?
I LOVE JERKING
YOU GUYS AROUND.
ROY, ROY. DID YOU SEE JOE?
YEAH.
HE WAS JUST SHOWING ME
SOME RITZY PERFUME
HE BOUGHT HELEN.
HE WENT BACK INTO TOWN
TO EXCHANGE IT FOR SOMETHING.
OH, BY THE WAY,
I ACCIDENTALLY LET IT SLIP
ABOUT THAT SWEATER
YOU'RE GETTING HELEN.
ROY, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
I KNOW.
I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.
WELL, LOOK, YOU TELL FAY
THAT I GOT TO RUN INTO TOWN.
OK.
ROY, HAVE YOU SEEN BRIAN?
NO, NOT LATELY.
OH, LIFE IS GOOD.
HEY, JOE, UH,
MIND IF I LEAVE THIS
IN HERE UNTIL THE PARTY?
NO. NOT AT ALL.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
[chuckling]
I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU, BRIAN.
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU
A CHANCE TO ONE-UP ME AGAIN.
COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I GOT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW,
SO DON'T TELL ME.
IT'S A CAPPUCCINO MAKER.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE?
THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING
TO SAY IS, "THAT'S NICE"?
YOU GOT HER
SOMETHING BETTER.
MAYBE I DID.
MAYBE I DIDN'T.
THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT
UNTIL AFTER THE PARTY
BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU.
JOE, I CALLED THE STORE.
THAT'S A 3-YEAR WARRANTY
ON THAT C.D. PLAYER.
C.D. PLAYER?
YOU GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER?
YES, YES,
I GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER.
I GOT HER A GREAT C.D. PLAYER.
A $500 C.D. PLAYER
WITH EVERY BELL AND WHISTLE
YOU CAN IMAGINE.
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,
DADDY WARBUCKS?
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GOING TO GET SOME RIBBON.
C.D. PLAYER, EH?
I CAN TOP THE C.D. PLAYER.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOIN'?
[exclaiming]
STOP THAT! OH, JOE.
OK, YOU'RE KILLIN' ME.
KILL-- KILLIN' ME.
KILLIN' ME.
HEY, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BRIAN, LOOK AT US.
I'D LIKE TO, JOE,
BUT I'M FACIN'
THE WRONG WAY.
I--I'M SORRY.
BRIAN, THIS HAS GOTTEN
TOTALLY OUT OF HAND.
YEAH, YOU HAVE A POINT.
THANK YOU.
ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
BRIAN, L-LISTEN.
I KNOW HELEN.
SHE IS NOT IMPRESSED
BY EXTRAVAGANT GIFTS.
THIS IS GOING
TO EMBARRASS HER.
NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE ELSE
WHO GOT HER A SIMPLE GIFT.
YOU WANT TO EMBARRASS
EVERYONE?
NOT EVERYONE, NO.
THEN LET'S CALL IT A TRUCE.
WE'LL RETURN THESE
AND GET HER LITTLE GIFTS.
OK, OK, LITTLE GIFTS.
REALLY?
YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
JUST GOT A LITTLE CRAZY,
THAT'S ALL.
[sighing]
AND JOE,
THAT CRACK
ABOUT YOU HAVIN' A POINT
ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
YEAH?
WEAR A HAT.
YEAH, ALL WE NEED NOW
IS A CLEVER EXCUSE
TO GET HELEN IN HERE.
I'LL HANDLE IT.
HEY, HELEN, COULD YOU
COME HERE FOR A MINUTE?
I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT,
UH,
SOMETHING.
JOE HACKETT,
MASTER OF SUBTERFUGE.
[screams]
(all)
SURPRISE.
YOU GUYS, YOU GOT ME AGAIN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
GREAT, THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN.
THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN.
THIS IS FROM ME.
OH, WHY, A ROCK.
WELL, IT'S NOT JUST ANY ROCK.
IT'S A PIECE
OF A WELSH CASTLE.
THE GUY WHO SOLD IT TO ME
TOLD ME
IT ORIGINALLY BELONGED
TO THE DUKE OF EARL.
WELL, I FIGURED IT WOULD MAKE
A GREAT PAPERWEIGHT.
SO WOULD LOWELL.
THANK YOU.
AND ROY.
[gasps]
A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS'
COFFEE MUG.
YEAH,
I GOT IT WITH THE FILL UP AT
HENDERSON'S SERVICE STATION.
IF YOU WANT
THE MATCHING THERMOS,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
THE LUBE JOB.
OH, FAY.
[gasps]
IT'S A MEDALLION
OF SAINT JUDE.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP YOU
IN YOUR QUEST TO BECOME
A CONCERT CELLIST.
UH, ISN'T SAINT JUDE
THE PATRON SAINT
OF LOST CAUSES?
YES.
NEVER TAKE IT OFF.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE JOE'S
IS THE ONLY PRESENT LEFT.
AND HERE'S ONE THAT LOOKS
PRETTY INTERESTING.
OOH.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN.
LOVE, BRIAN."
BRIAN, I THOUGHT
WE AGREED THAT, UH...
[screaming]
A C.D. PLAYER.
[projector whirring]
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS,
BRIAN.
I'VE WANTED ONE OF THESE
THINGS FOR MONTHS NOW.
WASN'T THERE A GIFT
FROM JOE HERE SOMEWHERE?
UH, NO, NO.
OH, HERE IT IS.
IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT
OVER BRIAN'S
WONDERFUL GIFT,
IT MUST HAVE GOT
KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR.
OH.
GOD, THIS HAS BEEN
SUCH A GREAT BIRTHDAY.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT'S IN HERE.
[screaming]
GOSH, I JUST LOVE IT.
IT'S A SEAGULL
ON DRIFTWOOD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WOW, WHEREVER DID YOU
FIND ONE OF THESE?
TRY AND TAKE 3 STEPS
ON THIS ISLAND
AND NOT FIND ONE.
SO, UH, YOU LIKE IT?
OH, IT'S REALLY CUTE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO
HEAR THIS THING.
YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OVER
TO MY HOUSE TONIGHT
AND HOOK IT UP?
OH, SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
BRIAN, COULD I SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE?
OH, GEE, JOE,
I'D REALLY LIKE TO, BUT--
OH, NOW'S A GOOD TIME.
LET ME GO!
YOU LITTLE PUKE.
WE HAD A DEAL
ABOUT THESE GIFTS.
NOW, LOOK JOE, JOE,
I CAME THIS CLOSE
TO BUYING HER
A GARFIELD MEMO PAD.
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
HELEN MEANS MORE TO ME
THAN CARTOON CATS.
BESIDES, I GOT A GREAT DEAL
ON THE C.D. PLAYER
BECAUSE
YOU JUST RETURNED IT.
WHY, YOU LITTLE--
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
SURE.
LISTEN, BRIAN, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE COMIN' OVER TONIGHT,
YOU WANT ME TO COOK US DINNER?
(Brian)
OH, GREAT.
I'LL BRING THE WINE.
OH, TERRIFIC.
YEAH, SAY, WHAT KIND OF WINE
GOES BEST WITH DIGITAL SOUND?
HEY, HACKETT,
YOU GOT SOME GLUE IN HERE?
THE BIRD FELL OFF
THAT PIECE OF WOOD.
[laughing]
OH, I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS C.D. PLAYER
IS UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S GOT--
HELEN, COULD I GET A REFILL?
SURE, JOE. IT'S GOT
A 10-DISC CAPABILITY,
REMOTE CONTROL, IT'LL PLAY
ANY TRACK AT RANDOM
OR IT'LL SKIP THE TRACKS
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
UH, HELEN?
YEAH, JUST A SECOND, JOE.
THE CLARITY IS
SO UNBELIEVABLE,
YOU WOULD SWEAR
ELLA FITZGERALD WAS SITTING
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
MAYBE SHE COULD GET ME
A CUP OF COFFEE.
YEAH, MAYBE.
OF COURSE,
NOW I'M TOTALLY HOOKED.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE
ALL MY RECORDS WITH C.D.s.
IT'S A RACKET,
BUT WHO CARES?
HELEN.
YES.
I--I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA FIX THIS.
OH, I TRIED, JOE,
BUT THE GLUE
DISSOLVED THE BIRD'S FEET.
HELLO, FAY.
THINGS WENT GREAT
AT THE TUXEDO SHOP.
LOWELL, THEY DIDN'T TALK YOU
INTO RENTING ANOTHER TUXEDO,
DID THEY?
PLEASE, FAY,
DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?
WELL, THEY WOULDN'T
REFUND MY MONEY
BUT I GOT THEM TO
GIVE ME A STORE CREDIT.
THINKING ABOUT GOING
WITH A WHITE DINNER JACKET
TOMORROW.
HEY, LOOKING GOOD, LOWELL.
WELL, THANK YOU.
DOIN' SOMETHING A LITTLE
DIFFERENT WITH MY HAIR.
HEY, JOE.
HELLO, THERE.
HEY.
HEY.
I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
HEY, THANKS FOR HOOKIN' UP
MY STEREO SYSTEM.
MY PLEASURE.
BOY, THE SOUNDS COMING OUT
OF THAT BEDROOM LAST NIGHT
WERE UNBELIEVABLE.
I KNOW.
THE C.D. SOUNDED GREAT.
OH, THE C.D. THAT, TOO.
I TELL YOU
THAT BROTHER OF YOURS
IS ONE GENEROUS GUY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
I MEAN HE'S GENEROUS.
LIKE I'M NOT?
OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT,
JOE.
I MEAN,
HE BOUGHT ME A C.D. PLAYER.
DO YOU KNOW HOW
EXPENSIVE THOSE THINGS--
OH, C.D. PLAYER, C.D. PLAYER.
I'M GETTIN'
A LITTLE TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT THIS DAMN C.D. PLAYER.
THERE WERE
A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WHO BOUGHT YOU GIFTS.
I DON'T HEAR YOU
RATTLING ON ABOUT THEM.
OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, WITH YOU
IT'S-- IT'S C.D. THIS,
C.D. THAT.
C.D., C.D., C.D.,
C.D., C.D.--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
I WON'T MENTION IT AGAIN.
IF I NEVER HEAR ANOTHER WORD
ABOUT THAT STUPID C.D. PLAYER,
IT'LL BE TOO SOON.
I WAS GOING TO GET YOU
THAT C.D. PLAYER.
COME ON, JOE.
DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR BRIAN'S GIFT.
I LIKE WHAT YOU GAVE ME.
IT WAS VERY NICE.
OH, DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
IT WAS STUPID.
WELL, IF IT WAS SO STUPID THEN
WHY DID YOU GET IT FOR ME?
WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE
IF I KNEW YOU COULD BE BOUGHT.
[projector whirring]
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!
I HAVE NEVER TREATED
ANYONE DIFFERENTLY
BECAUSE OF THE GIFT
THEY GAVE ME.
NO DIFFERENT, WHATSOEVER.
OF COURSE
IT WAS VERY TOUGH
TO RESIST SUCH A FINE PIECE
OF CRAFTSMANSHIP AS YOUR GIFT.
GREAT, SO YOU SAY
YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, GREAT.
NEXT YEAR, I'M NOT
GETTING YOU ANYTHING.
OH, NO,
DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
YOU CAN'T BE SO CRUEL.
NO MORE DRIFTWOOD?
I HATE YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU,
SO DO I.
[projector whirring]
[knocking on door]
[crickets chirping]
HI.
HELLO.
CAN I COME IN?
ALL RIGHT.
OH,
YOU'RE WATCHIN' HOME MOVIES.
THAT'S WHAT
THE FLICKERING LIGHTS WERE.
ACTUALLY,
I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SATANIC RITUAL.
I CAN COME BACK.
I WAS MAKING A JOKE, JOE.
SO WAS I, HELEN.
I WAS JUST WATCHIN' SOME MORE
OF MY BIRTHDAY MOVIES.
YOUR MOTHER
WAS YANKING BRIAN'S EAR
AND READIN' HIM
THE RIOT ACT.
HUH. YEAH,
THAT USED TO HAPPEN A LOT.
UNTIL HE WAS 5,
I THOUGHT HIS NAME
WAS "STOP IT, BRIAN."
UH, SOMETHIN'
I WANT TO GIVE YOU.
COME ON, JOE,
HASN'T THIS PRESENT THING
GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?
YOU ALREADY GAVE ME
A BIRTHDAY GIFT.
OH, THIS ISN'T
A BIRTHDAY GIFT.
THIS IS A
I'M-SORRY-FOR-BEING-A-SILLY-
STUPID-PIGHEADED-MORONIC-
IDIOT GIFT.
WELL, IN THAT CASE.
I WAS HOPING IT WOULD
MAKE UP FOR OUR FIGHT TODAY.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
IT WAS AS MUCH MY FAULT
AS IT WAS YOURS.
[exclaims]
A CAMEO.
JOE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT.
GOOD.
THEN WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN?
WE NEVER STOPPED
BEING FRIENDS.
WE JUST HAD
A LITTLE ARGUMENT.
LISTEN, I REALLY
APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT,
BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S JEWELRY.
IT'S WAY TOO PERSONAL.
AND, THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT A FRIENDSHIP GIFT.
WELL, THEN, WHAT--WHAT'S
A FRIENDSHIP GIFT?
I DON'T KNOW.
A BOOK.
A PICTURE FRAME.
A FONDUE POT.
WELL,
WHAT ABOUT A C.D. PLAYER?
THAT'S STILL FRIENDSHIP.
TOP-OF-THE-LINE FRIENDSHIP
BUT NEVERTHELESS FRIENDSHIP.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
BRIAN'S GIFT DIDN'T
GET HIM ANYWHERE?
OF COURSE IT DID.
GOT HIM RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.
HE MADE
ONE OF HIS SUAVE PASSES
THAT I FIND
MOST DIFFICULT TO FEND OFF.
HELEN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
JUST TAKE IT.
NO, I--I DON'T KNOW, JOE.
IT--IT LOOKS SORT OF
LIKE AN HEIRLOOM.
IT'S NOT. TH-THEY
MAKE THEM LOOK THAT WAY.
I PICKED IT UP AT STEDMAN'S.
IT'S NOTHIN'.
IT PRACTICALLY
FELL OUT OF A CRACKERJACK BOX.
REALLY?
TRUST ME. PLEASE.
TAKE IT.
OK, JOE.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I--I GOT TO RUN.
YEAH.
IT'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT
AND BRIAN JUST BOUGHT
A BULLHORN.
IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
A GOOD COMBINATION.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS AGAIN.
YEAH, SURE.
[projector whirring]
[inaudible]
YOU LITTLE SON OF A GUN.
OH, JOE.
I--I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,
BUT IN THE SPIRIT
OF GLOBAL AWARENESS,
I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY
OF REPLACING
ALL OUR PLASTIC CUPS
WITH BIODEGRADABLE ONES.
FAY, THAT IS GREAT.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE
ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS
THESE DAYS.
BUT DON'T WE STILL HAVE
300 OR 400 OF THE OLD CUPS?
OH, THOSE. I TOSSED THEM.
[seagulls cawing]
[projector whirring]
(Helen)
SO, I OPEN THIS PACKAGE
FROM MY PARENTS
AND IN IT ARE THESE
REALLY GREAT HOME MOVIES
OF MY 11TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
YOU WERE THERE, JOE,
LOOKING ABOUT AS RELAXED
AS I'VE EVER SEEN YOU.
AND YOU, TOO, BRIAN.
YOU WERE BEING TOTALLY YOU.
THERE WAS A WONDERFUL
SHOT OF YOUR MOM.
OH, AND REMEMBER THOSE SILLY
GAMES WE USED TO PLAY?
BRIAN WAS THE WINNER
OF THE EGG RACE.
WELL, THE DISPUTED WINNER.
I WAS HAVIN' A GREAT TIME.
YOU KNOW,
IT REALLY DOESN'T TAKE MUCH
TO AMUSE AN 11-YEAR-OLD.
I SWEAR THERE WAS NOT
ONE SHOT OF ME
WHERE I WASN'T
STUFFING, CHEWING,
SWILLING OR SWALLOWING.
NO, I TAKE THAT BACK.
THERE WAS ONE OR TWO
OF ME GAGGING.
I REMEMBER THAT PARTY.
I PAID BETH PARKS
50 CENTS
TO DO A HANDSTAND
IN HER PARTY DRESS.
YEAH. SHE'D HAVE DONE IT
FOR A QUARTER
BUT I WAS FEELIN'
GENEROUS THAT DAY.
OH!
YEAH. I REMEMBER THAT.
NO WAY!
MR. GOODY-TWO-SHOES HERE
WAS COVERING HIS EYES
WITH HIS HANDS.
YEAH. BUT I WAS PEEKING
THROUGH MY FINGERS.
I FORGET, JOE,
WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER
YOU TOOK A HEADER
INTO THE BIRTHDAY CAKE?
BRIAN, I DIDN'T TAKE A HEADER.
YOU TRIPPED ME.
JOE, IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED
LIVIN' THAT LIE.
YOU DROPPED THE CAKE
ON THE LAWN
AND YOU FELL IN IT.
MY CAKE WAS TOTALLY COVERED
IN GRASS CLIPPINGS.
I ATE IT ANYWAY.
IT WAS THE ONLY ROUGHAGE
I HAD THAT YEAR.
THOSE MOVIES SOUND LIKE
A LOVELY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
BIRTHDAY PRESENT?
WHAT BIRTHDAY PRESENT?
WHEN'S HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?
IT'S TODAY.
WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
LOWELL.
LOWELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT
TODAY WAS HELEN'S BIRTHDAY?
UH, SURE DID.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FORGET.
FALLS ON THE SAME DAY
SIR JOHN SPEKE DISCOVERED
THE SOURCE OF THE NILE.
NOW, YOU COMIN'
TO THE PARTY?
PARTY? THERE'S A PARTY?
UH, SURE WOULD'VE BEEN NICE
IF YOU GUYS HAD TOLD ME
YOU WERE THROWIN'
A PARTY FOR HER.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
WE DO THIS EVERY YEAR.
I BAKE A CAKE.
WE WAIT IN THE HANGAR,
SHE COMES IN
AND WE ALL YELL, "SURPRISE."
AND UNBELIEVABLY,
EVERY YEAR SHE SCREAMS.
MAYBE HELEN'S
JUST BEING POLITE.
NO, I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT FAY.
AH, I HATE THIS.
I'M COMPLETELY UNPREPARED.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK
FOR A GIFT AT THE LAST MINUTE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW, BRIAN,
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO BENEFIT
FROM MY EXPERIENCE.
I FOUND THAT IF YOU PANIC
OVER THESE THINGS,
YOU TEND TO FREEZE UP.
SO JUST STAY CALM. RELAX.
AND I'M SURE YOU'LL THINK
OF SOMETHIN' VERY SPECIAL
TO GET HELEN
FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT, LOWELL.
SO, UH,
WHAT DID YOU GET HELEN?
OH, MY GOD!
FAY, I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD TAKE A LOOK
AT MY HOUSEHOLD BUDGET
FOR ME.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM,
LOWELL?
I'M, UH, RUNNING OUT OF MONEY
BY THE 3RD DAY OF THE MONTH.
OH.
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
I FIGURED YOU'D BE
THE PERSON TO COME TO,
SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE
SO DARN GOOD
WITH NUMBERS AND ALL.
I MEAN, FLIGHT 23, GATE 1.
FLIGHT 45, GATE 1.
FLIGHT 67, GATE 1.
HOW YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHICH
FLIGHT GOES TO WHICH GATE,
I'LL NEVER KNOW.
JOE, JOE, JOE, CHECK OUT
WHAT I GOT FOR HELEN.
A PORTABLE CASSETTE PLAYER.
WOW, WHAT'D THAT
SET YOU BACK?
UH, $65.
$65?
BRIAN,
THAT'S WAY OUT OF LINE.
WE ALWAYS GET HELEN
LITTLE THINGS.
SO?
OH, HO-HO, I SEE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYIN' TO DO.
YOU ONLY GOT HELEN
SOMETHIN' BIG TO GET HER
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
[in British accent]
OH, DEAR, YOU'VE SEEN PAST
MY FEEBLE CHARADE.
YEAH.
WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
HELEN IS NOT THE TYPE
TO LOSE HER HEAD
OVER SOME SILLY GIFT.
[projector whirring]
COME ON, JOE, DON'T MAKE
SUCH A BIG DEAL OF IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY
DID YOU SPEND ON HER?
ABOUT $10.
[in British accent]
DON'T I FEEL
THE PERFECT FOOL.
HERE I SPENT ALL THIS MONEY
AND I'M SURE
SHE'LL LIKE YOUR GIFT
JUST AS MUCH
AS SHE LIKES MINE.
HI, JOE.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
I WAS IN TOWN,
I WALKED PAST A STORE,
I SAW THIS,
HAD HELEN'S NAME
WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
MONSIEUR CHEESE POT.
YOU SEE, YOU HEAT UP CHEESE
IN THIS THING
UNTIL IT GETS
ALL SOFT AND GOOEY.
AND THEN YOU TAKE
THESE LITTLE PIECES OF BREAD
AND YOU PUT THEM
ON THESE STICKS
AND DIP THEM INTO IT.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
ASSUMING ANYONE WOULD
EVER WANT TO DO THAT.
YOU DON'T THINK
HELEN'S GONNA LIKE IT?
OF COURSE SHE WILL.
SURE, AFTER A LONG DAY
SLAVING OVER A HOT,
GREASY GRIDDLE,
THERE'S NOTHING
SHE'D RATHER DO
THAN SIT DOWN
IN FRONT OF A HOT
BUBBLING CAULDRON OF CHEDDAR.
COME HERE.
I NEED YOUR FINGER.
I GOT ONE FOR YOU.
NO, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, THIS BOX
LOOKS A LITTLE BIG
FOR A PORTABLE
CASSETTE PLAYER.
AH, WELL, I TOOK THAT BACK.
I GOT TO THINKIN', UH,
IF I'M GOING TO LAUNCH
THE GOOD SHIP HELEN,
IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
TO GREASE THE SKIDS A BIT,
SO I GOT HER
A CORDLESS PHONE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU WENT OUT AND PURPOSELY
GOT A BETTER GIFT THAN MINE.
A BETTER GIFT THAN
AN ELECTRIC CHEESE MELTER?
SURELY YOU JEST.
RELAX, JOE.
I JUST CHANGED MY MIND.
BULL.
YOU'RE TRYING TO ONE-UP ME.
YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME
LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF HELEN.
JOEY, BABE, YOU SOUND
A LITTLE PARANOID HERE.
WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE
TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
[projector whirring]
[inaudible]
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
IF YOU WANT,
HERE'S SOME PAPER
SO YOU CAN WRAP UP
MONSIEUR CHEESE BREATH.
POT.
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
UH, UH, UH,
I HAVE TO GET
MY FOOT MEASURED.
JOE, THIS ISN'T ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR CLEVER FIBS, IS IT?
NO.
FAY, HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE
TO PERUSE MY BUDGET YET?
YES, LOWELL.
I HAVE AND I HAVE
ONE TINY QUESTION.
FIRE AWAY.
WHAT'S THIS $112.50
A WEEK FOR TUXEDO RENTAL?
[plane passing]
THAT'S FOR TUXEDO RENTAL.
BUT LOWELL,
WHY ARE YOU PAYING MONEY
TO A TUXEDO RENTAL SHOP
EVERY WEEK?
OH, IT WAS
MY UNCLE EVERETT'S
LAST WISH TO BE BURIED
IN WHITE TIE AND TAILS.
I THOUGHT
IT WAS MY FAMILIAL DUTY
TO SEE THAT WISH CARRIED OUT.
SO, YOU'VE BEEN RENTING
A TUXEDO BY THE WEEK?
WELL, I SEE YOUR POINT.
YEAH, MONTHLY WOULD HAVE BEEN
THE WAY TO GO ON THAT.
LOWELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
BUY THE TUXEDO?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW EXPENSIVE
THOSE THINGS ARE?
HELL AND I GOT A GREAT DEAL
ON THIS ONE.
NO PANTS.
I FIGURED
WHY SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY
IF THEY DON'T OPEN
THE WHOLE CASKET, RIGHT?
I WANT YOU TO GO DOWN
TO THAT TUXEDO SHOP TODAY
AND TELL THEM YOU'D LIKE
AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR MONEY
REFUNDED.
WHAT IF THEY WANT
THE TUXEDO BACK?
SOMETHING TELLS ME THEY WON'T.
HACKETT,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
IN TOWN GETTIN' HELEN
A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
HMM. WHAT DID YOU GET HER?
FRENCH PERFUME.
TOUJOURS.
$150 AN OUNCE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MMM, VERY CLASSY.
SHOULD GO REAL WELL WITH THAT
ITALIAN HANDKNIT SWEATER
YOUR BROTHER GOT HER.
WHAT?
YEAH.
SAID HE DROPPED $200 ON IT.
HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL YOU.
THEN WHY'D YOU TELL ME?
I LOVE JERKING
YOU GUYS AROUND.
ROY, ROY. DID YOU SEE JOE?
YEAH.
HE WAS JUST SHOWING ME
SOME RITZY PERFUME
HE BOUGHT HELEN.
HE WENT BACK INTO TOWN
TO EXCHANGE IT FOR SOMETHING.
OH, BY THE WAY,
I ACCIDENTALLY LET IT SLIP
ABOUT THAT SWEATER
YOU'RE GETTING HELEN.
ROY, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
I KNOW.
I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.
WELL, LOOK, YOU TELL FAY
THAT I GOT TO RUN INTO TOWN.
OK.
ROY, HAVE YOU SEEN BRIAN?
NO, NOT LATELY.
OH, LIFE IS GOOD.
HEY, JOE, UH,
MIND IF I LEAVE THIS
IN HERE UNTIL THE PARTY?
NO. NOT AT ALL.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
[chuckling]
I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU, BRIAN.
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU
A CHANCE TO ONE-UP ME AGAIN.
COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I GOT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW,
SO DON'T TELL ME.
IT'S A CAPPUCCINO MAKER.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S NICE?
THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING
TO SAY IS, "THAT'S NICE"?
YOU GOT HER
SOMETHING BETTER.
MAYBE I DID.
MAYBE I DIDN'T.
THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT
UNTIL AFTER THE PARTY
BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU.
JOE, I CALLED THE STORE.
THAT'S A 3-YEAR WARRANTY
ON THAT C.D. PLAYER.
C.D. PLAYER?
YOU GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER?
YES, YES,
I GOT HER A C.D. PLAYER.
I GOT HER A GREAT C.D. PLAYER.
A $500 C.D. PLAYER
WITH EVERY BELL AND WHISTLE
YOU CAN IMAGINE.
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,
DADDY WARBUCKS?
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GOING TO GET SOME RIBBON.
C.D. PLAYER, EH?
I CAN TOP THE C.D. PLAYER.
WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOIN'?
[exclaiming]
STOP THAT! OH, JOE.
OK, YOU'RE KILLIN' ME.
KILL-- KILLIN' ME.
KILLIN' ME.
HEY, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BRIAN, LOOK AT US.
I'D LIKE TO, JOE,
BUT I'M FACIN'
THE WRONG WAY.
I--I'M SORRY.
BRIAN, THIS HAS GOTTEN
TOTALLY OUT OF HAND.
YEAH, YOU HAVE A POINT.
THANK YOU.
ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
BRIAN, L-LISTEN.
I KNOW HELEN.
SHE IS NOT IMPRESSED
BY EXTRAVAGANT GIFTS.
THIS IS GOING
TO EMBARRASS HER.
NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE ELSE
WHO GOT HER A SIMPLE GIFT.
YOU WANT TO EMBARRASS
EVERYONE?
NOT EVERYONE, NO.
THEN LET'S CALL IT A TRUCE.
WE'LL RETURN THESE
AND GET HER LITTLE GIFTS.
OK, OK, LITTLE GIFTS.
REALLY?
YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
JUST GOT A LITTLE CRAZY,
THAT'S ALL.
[sighing]
AND JOE,
THAT CRACK
ABOUT YOU HAVIN' A POINT
ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
YEAH?
WEAR A HAT.
YEAH, ALL WE NEED NOW
IS A CLEVER EXCUSE
TO GET HELEN IN HERE.
I'LL HANDLE IT.
HEY, HELEN, COULD YOU
COME HERE FOR A MINUTE?
I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT,
UH,
SOMETHING.
JOE HACKETT,
MASTER OF SUBTERFUGE.
[screams]
(all)
SURPRISE.
YOU GUYS, YOU GOT ME AGAIN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
GREAT, THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN.
THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN.
THIS IS FROM ME.
OH, WHY, A ROCK.
WELL, IT'S NOT JUST ANY ROCK.
IT'S A PIECE
OF A WELSH CASTLE.
THE GUY WHO SOLD IT TO ME
TOLD ME
IT ORIGINALLY BELONGED
TO THE DUKE OF EARL.
WELL, I FIGURED IT WOULD MAKE
A GREAT PAPERWEIGHT.
SO WOULD LOWELL.
THANK YOU.
AND ROY.
[gasps]
A NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS'
COFFEE MUG.
YEAH,
I GOT IT WITH THE FILL UP AT
HENDERSON'S SERVICE STATION.
IF YOU WANT
THE MATCHING THERMOS,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
THE LUBE JOB.
OH, FAY.
[gasps]
IT'S A MEDALLION
OF SAINT JUDE.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP YOU
IN YOUR QUEST TO BECOME
A CONCERT CELLIST.
UH, ISN'T SAINT JUDE
THE PATRON SAINT
OF LOST CAUSES?
YES.
NEVER TAKE IT OFF.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE JOE'S
IS THE ONLY PRESENT LEFT.
AND HERE'S ONE THAT LOOKS
PRETTY INTERESTING.
OOH.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN.
LOVE, BRIAN."
BRIAN, I THOUGHT
WE AGREED THAT, UH...
[screaming]
A C.D. PLAYER.
[projector whirring]
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS,
BRIAN.
I'VE WANTED ONE OF THESE
THINGS FOR MONTHS NOW.
WASN'T THERE A GIFT
FROM JOE HERE SOMEWHERE?
UH, NO, NO.
OH, HERE IT IS.
IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT
OVER BRIAN'S
WONDERFUL GIFT,
IT MUST HAVE GOT
KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR.
OH.
GOD, THIS HAS BEEN
SUCH A GREAT BIRTHDAY.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT'S IN HERE.
[screaming]
GOSH, I JUST LOVE IT.
IT'S A SEAGULL
ON DRIFTWOOD.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WOW, WHEREVER DID YOU
FIND ONE OF THESE?
TRY AND TAKE 3 STEPS
ON THIS ISLAND
AND NOT FIND ONE.
SO, UH, YOU LIKE IT?
OH, IT'S REALLY CUTE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO
HEAR THIS THING.
YOU THINK YOU CAN COME OVER
TO MY HOUSE TONIGHT
AND HOOK IT UP?
OH, SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
BRIAN, COULD I SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE?
OH, GEE, JOE,
I'D REALLY LIKE TO, BUT--
OH, NOW'S A GOOD TIME.
LET ME GO!
YOU LITTLE PUKE.
WE HAD A DEAL
ABOUT THESE GIFTS.
NOW, LOOK JOE, JOE,
I CAME THIS CLOSE
TO BUYING HER
A GARFIELD MEMO PAD.
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
HELEN MEANS MORE TO ME
THAN CARTOON CATS.
BESIDES, I GOT A GREAT DEAL
ON THE C.D. PLAYER
BECAUSE
YOU JUST RETURNED IT.
WHY, YOU LITTLE--
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
SURE.
LISTEN, BRIAN, AS LONG AS
YOU'RE COMIN' OVER TONIGHT,
YOU WANT ME TO COOK US DINNER?
(Brian)
OH, GREAT.
I'LL BRING THE WINE.
OH, TERRIFIC.
YEAH, SAY, WHAT KIND OF WINE
GOES BEST WITH DIGITAL SOUND?
HEY, HACKETT,
YOU GOT SOME GLUE IN HERE?
THE BIRD FELL OFF
THAT PIECE OF WOOD.
[laughing]
OH, I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS C.D. PLAYER
IS UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S GOT--
HELEN, COULD I GET A REFILL?
SURE, JOE. IT'S GOT
A 10-DISC CAPABILITY,
REMOTE CONTROL, IT'LL PLAY
ANY TRACK AT RANDOM
OR IT'LL SKIP THE TRACKS
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
UH, HELEN?
YEAH, JUST A SECOND, JOE.
THE CLARITY IS
SO UNBELIEVABLE,
YOU WOULD SWEAR
ELLA FITZGERALD WAS SITTING
RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
MAYBE SHE COULD GET ME
A CUP OF COFFEE.
YEAH, MAYBE.
OF COURSE,
NOW I'M TOTALLY HOOKED.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO REPLACE
ALL MY RECORDS WITH C.D.s.
IT'S A RACKET,
BUT WHO CARES?
HELEN.
YES.
I--I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA FIX THIS.
OH, I TRIED, JOE,
BUT THE GLUE
DISSOLVED THE BIRD'S FEET.
HELLO, FAY.
THINGS WENT GREAT
AT THE TUXEDO SHOP.
LOWELL, THEY DIDN'T TALK YOU
INTO RENTING ANOTHER TUXEDO,
DID THEY?
PLEASE, FAY,
DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?
WELL, THEY WOULDN'T
REFUND MY MONEY
BUT I GOT THEM TO
GIVE ME A STORE CREDIT.
THINKING ABOUT GOING
WITH A WHITE DINNER JACKET
TOMORROW.
HEY, LOOKING GOOD, LOWELL.
WELL, THANK YOU.
DOIN' SOMETHING A LITTLE
DIFFERENT WITH MY HAIR.
HEY, JOE.
HELLO, THERE.
HEY.
HEY.
I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
HEY, THANKS FOR HOOKIN' UP
MY STEREO SYSTEM.
MY PLEASURE.
BOY, THE SOUNDS COMING OUT
OF THAT BEDROOM LAST NIGHT
WERE UNBELIEVABLE.
I KNOW.
THE C.D. SOUNDED GREAT.
OH, THE C.D. THAT, TOO.
I TELL YOU
THAT BROTHER OF YOURS
IS ONE GENEROUS GUY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
I MEAN HE'S GENEROUS.
LIKE I'M NOT?
OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT,
JOE.
I MEAN,
HE BOUGHT ME A C.D. PLAYER.
DO YOU KNOW HOW
EXPENSIVE THOSE THINGS--
OH, C.D. PLAYER, C.D. PLAYER.
I'M GETTIN'
A LITTLE TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT THIS DAMN C.D. PLAYER.
THERE WERE
A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WHO BOUGHT YOU GIFTS.
I DON'T HEAR YOU
RATTLING ON ABOUT THEM.
OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, WITH YOU
IT'S-- IT'S C.D. THIS,
C.D. THAT.
C.D., C.D., C.D.,
C.D., C.D.--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT
I WON'T MENTION IT AGAIN.
IF I NEVER HEAR ANOTHER WORD
ABOUT THAT STUPID C.D. PLAYER,
IT'LL BE TOO SOON.
I WAS GOING TO GET YOU
THAT C.D. PLAYER.
COME ON, JOE.
DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR BRIAN'S GIFT.
I LIKE WHAT YOU GAVE ME.
IT WAS VERY NICE.
OH, DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
IT WAS STUPID.
WELL, IF IT WAS SO STUPID THEN
WHY DID YOU GET IT FOR ME?
WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE
IF I KNEW YOU COULD BE BOUGHT.
[projector whirring]
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!
I HAVE NEVER TREATED
ANYONE DIFFERENTLY
BECAUSE OF THE GIFT
THEY GAVE ME.
NO DIFFERENT, WHATSOEVER.
OF COURSE
IT WAS VERY TOUGH
TO RESIST SUCH A FINE PIECE
OF CRAFTSMANSHIP AS YOUR GIFT.
GREAT, SO YOU SAY
YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
WELL, GREAT.
NEXT YEAR, I'M NOT
GETTING YOU ANYTHING.
OH, NO,
DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
YOU CAN'T BE SO CRUEL.
NO MORE DRIFTWOOD?
I HATE YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU,
SO DO I.
[projector whirring]
[knocking on door]
[crickets chirping]
HI.
HELLO.
CAN I COME IN?
ALL RIGHT.
OH,
YOU'RE WATCHIN' HOME MOVIES.
THAT'S WHAT
THE FLICKERING LIGHTS WERE.
ACTUALLY,
I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SATANIC RITUAL.
I CAN COME BACK.
I WAS MAKING A JOKE, JOE.
SO WAS I, HELEN.
I WAS JUST WATCHIN' SOME MORE
OF MY BIRTHDAY MOVIES.
YOUR MOTHER
WAS YANKING BRIAN'S EAR
AND READIN' HIM
THE RIOT ACT.
HUH. YEAH,
THAT USED TO HAPPEN A LOT.
UNTIL HE WAS 5,
I THOUGHT HIS NAME
WAS "STOP IT, BRIAN."
UH, SOMETHIN'
I WANT TO GIVE YOU.
COME ON, JOE,
HASN'T THIS PRESENT THING
GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?
YOU ALREADY GAVE ME
A BIRTHDAY GIFT.
OH, THIS ISN'T
A BIRTHDAY GIFT.
THIS IS A
I'M-SORRY-FOR-BEING-A-SILLY-
STUPID-PIGHEADED-MORONIC-
IDIOT GIFT.
WELL, IN THAT CASE.
I WAS HOPING IT WOULD
MAKE UP FOR OUR FIGHT TODAY.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
IT WAS AS MUCH MY FAULT
AS IT WAS YOURS.
[exclaims]
A CAMEO.
JOE, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT.
GOOD.
THEN WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN?
WE NEVER STOPPED
BEING FRIENDS.
WE JUST HAD
A LITTLE ARGUMENT.
LISTEN, I REALLY
APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT,
BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S JEWELRY.
IT'S WAY TOO PERSONAL.
AND, THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT A FRIENDSHIP GIFT.
WELL, THEN, WHAT--WHAT'S
A FRIENDSHIP GIFT?
I DON'T KNOW.
A BOOK.
A PICTURE FRAME.
A FONDUE POT.
WELL,
WHAT ABOUT A C.D. PLAYER?
THAT'S STILL FRIENDSHIP.
TOP-OF-THE-LINE FRIENDSHIP
BUT NEVERTHELESS FRIENDSHIP.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
BRIAN'S GIFT DIDN'T
GET HIM ANYWHERE?
OF COURSE IT DID.
GOT HIM RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.
HE MADE
ONE OF HIS SUAVE PASSES
THAT I FIND
MOST DIFFICULT TO FEND OFF.
HELEN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
JUST TAKE IT.
NO, I--I DON'T KNOW, JOE.
IT--IT LOOKS SORT OF
LIKE AN HEIRLOOM.
IT'S NOT. TH-THEY
MAKE THEM LOOK THAT WAY.
I PICKED IT UP AT STEDMAN'S.
IT'S NOTHIN'.
IT PRACTICALLY
FELL OUT OF A CRACKERJACK BOX.
REALLY?
TRUST ME. PLEASE.
TAKE IT.
OK, JOE.
THANK YOU.
WELL, I--I GOT TO RUN.
YEAH.
IT'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT
AND BRIAN JUST BOUGHT
A BULLHORN.
IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
A GOOD COMBINATION.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS AGAIN.
YEAH, SURE.
[projector whirring]
[inaudible]
YOU LITTLE SON OF A GUN.