Wings (1990–1997): Season 2, Episode 5 - A Standup Kind of Guy - full transcript

SANDPIPER AIR
WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME
ITS ARRIVING PASSENGERS

TO NANTUCKET,
FORMER WHALING CAPITAL
OF THE ATLANTIC.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION
A WHALE'S BLOWHOLE CAN
GENERATE ENOUGH PRESSURE

TO PROPEL A SMALL CHILD
40 FEET IN THE AIR.

ISN'T MOTHER NATURE A HOOT?

[seagulls cawing]

HI, FAY.

HEY, JOE,
HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?

UH, FINE.
ARE THERE ANY MESSAGES?

YES. THE BANK CALLED,
YOUR CHECKS ARE IN.

AND JERRY STARK
CALLED 3 TIMES.



I DON'T KNOW ANYONE
NAMED JERRY STARK.

THAT'S FUNNY, HE SAID
HE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

HUH! HE SAY
ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, HE SAID,
GOD BLESS YOU.

OH, NO! SOUNDS LIKE
ONE OF THOSE RELIGIOUS TYPES
ASKING FOR MONEY.

UH, NO,
I THINK HE SAID THAT
BECAUSE I SNEEZED.

HEY, UH,
I JUST GOT A BUNCH OF MESSAGES
FROM A GUY NAMED JERRY STARK.

HE TOLD FAY THAT HE WENT
TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH US.
DO YOU REMEMBER HIM?

UH-UH.
NO, ME, NEITHER.

OF COURSE I WAS SO POPULAR,
I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW
EVERYBODY,

EVERYBODY WANTED
TO KNOW ME.

YEAH, THEY WERE OBVIOUSLY
ATTRACTED TO THE BRACES
ON YOUR TEETH

AND YOUR
PIZZA-LIKE COMPLEXION.

HACKETT.
HELEN.
NUTCASE.



SAY, UH, ROY, UH,
I DON'T MEAN
TO GET PERSONAL,

BUT, UH, WHY DO YOU HAVE
A MINIATURE BAG
OF FRENCH FRIES

STUCK TO YOUR HEAD?

WHAT?

[chuckling]

IT'S THAT BOY OF MINE, R.J.

[chuckling]
WHAT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

HE KEEPS SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME
AND STICKING REFRIGERATOR
MAGNETS TO MY HEAD.

WH-WHAT MAKES IT STICK?

I GOT A METAL PLATE
RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

ROY, THIS PLATE OF YOURS,
IS THIS SOMETHING NEW?

I'M-- I'M GUESSING
IT WAS ELECTIVE SURGERY.

NO. NO.
IT WAS A TYPICAL
CHILDHOOD ACCIDENT.

HAPPENED WHEN I WAS
8 YEARS OLD
IN A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME.

TOOK A FASTBALL
IN THE OLD COCONUT, HUH?
NO, I WAS UP IN THE BLEACHERS.

I TRIED TO SWIPE
MY LITTLE BROTHER'S MILK DUDS,

AND HE HIT ME
WITH A BRICK.

BASEBALL FEVER.
CATCH IT.

PLATE IN HIS HEAD, WOW!

AND I THOUGHT
WOODEN LEGS WERE COOL.

[telephone ringing]

$10 SAYS
LOWELL'S PACKING
A LITTLE SHEET METAL.

JOE, YOUR FRIEND,
JERRY STARK'S ON THE PHONE.

AGAIN? OH, GOD!

I HATE IT
WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS ME
AND I DON'T KNOW THEM.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL REMEMBER
WHEN I HEAR HIS VOICE.

HEY, YOU GUYS WENT
TO SCONSET HIGH ABOUT
THE SAME TIME WE DID.

DO YOU REMEMBER
A GUY NAMED JERRY STARK?

SKINNY KID, BAD TEETH,
BIG BLOTCH ON HIS FACE?

NO. THAT WAS BRIAN.

SO, WHEN YOU CHECK
THE INVENTORY, LOWELL,
SEE, I WANT YOU TO...

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WELL,

I HAPPEN TO BE A STUDENT
OF MEDICAL ODDITIES

AND TO BE QUITE FRANK,
ROY,

THIS--THIS PLATE IN YOUR HEAD
HAS GOT ME INTRIGUED.

NOW, IF I WERE
TO PEEL BACK YOUR SCALP,
WHAT EXACTLY WOULD I SEE?

THE INSIDE OF A BODY BAG.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I JUST DID SOMETHING
VERY STUPID.
WHAT?

WELL,

I--I'M ON THE PHONE
WITH THIS JERRY STARK GUY

AND I WAS JUST
TOO EMBARRASSED TO TELL HIM
I DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO HE WAS.

SO I PRETENDED I DID.

AND I JUST WENT ALONG
AGREEING WITH EVERYTHING
HE SAID.

AND I AGREED TO BE
THE BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING.

HE--HE JUST SPRUNG IT ON ME.
HE SAID I WAS HIS BEST FRIEND.

AND NOW HE AND THE FUTURE
MRS. WHAT'S-HER-FACE
ARE GONNA BE HERE FRIDAY.

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

UH, YOU WOULDN'T BE
THE BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU MARRIED
MY FIANCEE.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES.

THIS IS CRAZY.
I MUST KNOW HIM.

WHY WOULD A PERSON
ASK A TOTAL STRANGER
TO BE HIS BEST MAN?

OOH, I SMELL THE START
OF A HITCHCOCK MOVIE.

HEY, ROY,

DO YOU EVER REMEMBER
THERE BEING A FAMILY
BY THE NAME OF STARK

ON THE ISLAND?

NO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, LOWELL,

THE NAME JERRY STARK
RING A BELL?

WELL, I COULD BE WRONG,

BUT I THINK HE'S THE GUY
WHO PLAYED POTSIE'S COUSIN
ON HAPPY DAYS.

HEY, JOE.
GOT OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL
YEARBOOK.

WANNA SEE IF WE CAN FIND
JERRY STARK?

OH, YEAH.
(Brian)
HEADS UP.

THIS HAS BEEN
DRIVING ME NUTS.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE'RE, UH, LOOKING
THROUGH THE YEARBOOK
TRYING TO FIND JERRY STARK.

OH, HEY,
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

[hissing]

HEY, NICE CATCH, FAY.

GEE, YOU'D THINK
THAT'D HURT HER TEETH.

AH, WHAT'S THIS?
THE SCONSET HIGH
WHALE, RIGHT?

OH, WAIT, HERE WE GO.
HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.
SCHAEFFER, SIMPSON...

[both moaning]

JERRY STARK, NOT PICTURED.
DAMN!

THE ONLY ACTIVITY
HE'S GOT LISTED IS
THE FRENCH CLUB.

SO CHECK AND SEE
IF HE'S THERE.

OH! HEY, HEY, HEY, LOOK.

[chuckling]
THERE'S HELEN IN ORCHESTRA.

HA! OH, WELL,
IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT.

THERE WERE
ONLY 7 OF US,

SO I HAD TO FILL
BOTH THE FIRST
AND THE SECOND CHAIRS.

YEAH.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SPILLING
OVER ON TO THE THIRD, TOO.

OK, SO I WAS
A LITTLE PUDGY.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR, JOE?
TURN THE PAGE!

OH, GOD,
I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN!
YEAH, YEAH, I WISH YOU HAD.

[laughing]
[chuckling]
AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

"JOE HACKETT AS MARCELLUS
IN THE DRAMA GUILD PRODUCTION
OF HAMLET."

HUH!
MMM, NICE LEGS, JOE.

YEAH.

THOSE TIGHTS PRETTY MUCH
SHOWED YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS,
DIDN'T THEY?

JOE APPARENTLY LIVED
IN A SMALL APARTMENT.

OOH, YEAH.

FRENCH CLUB,
FRENCH CLUB.

HERE WE GO, FRENCH CLUB.

AND HERE'S JERRY STARK,
THIRD ROW UP,
FIFTH FROM THE LEFT, HMM.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

HE'S COMPLETELY HIDDEN
BY KAREN STEGNER'S HAIR.

I KNOW THIS IS
A LONG SHOT,

BUT SINCE HE BELONGED
TO THE FRENCH CLUB,

DO YOU THINK OUR OLD TEACHER
WOULD REMEMBER WHO HE WAS?

MONSIEUR BUSARD?
YEAH.

[exclaiming]
IT'S WORTH A TRY.

BUSARD WAS SUCH
A WEIRD LITTLE GUY.

HE ALWAYS SMELLED
OF CHEAP WINE
AND CIGARETTES.

GOD, I ENVIED HIM.

HELLO, MONSIEUR BUSARD?

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
BONJOUR.

UH, THIS IS JOE HACKETT,
AND I WAS WO...

UH, PARDON?

PARDON?

[stammering]
CAN YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?
UH, S'IL VOUS PLAIT?

HE SEEMS TO BE
A FEW CROISSANTS
SHORT OF A DOZEN.

HE REFUSES TO SPEAK
ANY ENGLISH AT ALL.

ALL RIGHT,
WELL, JUST TELL HIM
TO, UH, WAIT-O A SECOND-O.

GOOD, BRIAN.
THAT'S SPANISH.

JOE, UH, PHIL'S HERE.
HE NEEDS YOU TO CHECK
THE FUEL ORDERS.

OK, WAIT ONE SECOND, LOWELL.
UH, HOW DO YOU SAY "SCHOOL"
IN FRENCH?

UM...
ECOLE.

WAIT, Y-YOU SPEAK FRENCH?

[speaking French]

WELL, DO YOU PARLE ENOUGH
TO ASK MONSIEUR BUSARD

IF HE REMEMBERS A MAN
NAMED JERRY STARK?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DIDN'T THAT HAPPY DAYS LEAD
PAN OUT FOR HIM?

NO. NO.
CAN YOU JUST ASK HIM?

[speaking French]

[speaking French]

HE'S THINKING, JOE.

[speaking French]

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

NOW I KNOW WHY
THE FRENCH LOVE JERRY LEWIS.

[telephone ringing]

[people chattering]

IT'S ELECTRIFIED.

I'VE GOT IT. I'VE GOT IT.
I KNOW WHO JERRY STARK IS.

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.
HIS PLANE JUST ARRIVED.
SO, WHO IS HE ALREADY?

OK, REMEMBER THAT GUY
IN STUDY HALL, THE QUIET ONE,
SAT ON THE SIDE,

AVERAGE HEIGHT,
MEDIUM BUILD,

ALWAYS HAD SORT OF
A VACANT LOOK ON HIS FACE?

OH, GOOD, JOE.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HALF
THE MEN IN EASTERN EUROPE.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS
I FIGURED IT OUT.

OH, YEAH,
THERE HE IS.

BOY,

HE HAS NOT CHANGED ONE BIT.
JOE.

JERRY?
JOE!

JERRY!

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, JOE.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
I REMEMBERED YOU.

AND YOU LOOK JUST LIKE...

YOU.

WOW! LOOK AT THIS, JOE.
YOU'RE A PILOT.

YOU OWN YOUR OWN AIRLINE.
YOU REALIZED
YOUR LIFELONG DREAM.

YEAH, I GUESS I DID.
I REALIZED MY DREAM, TOO.

OH, HEY, GREAT.
SO YOU FINALLY BECAME A...

[stammering]
UH, I FORGET
THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR IT.

DENTIST?

YEAH, THAT'S IT!

[laughing]

WHAT A MANIAC!
I'VE MISSED THAT
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!

THIS GUY HAS BEEN WAITING
ALL THESE YEARS TO FIND
SOMEONE AS FUNNY AS JOE?

HEY, HERE SHE IS,
THE FUTURE MRS. STARK.

MARILYN, SAY HELLO
TO JOE HACKETT.

SHOW HIM YOUR CAPS, HONEY.

HI, JOE.
HI, MARILYN.

SO, UH, WHERE DID YOU
2 KIDS MEET?

AT AN AUTO ACCIDENT.

THAT'S UNUSUAL.

IT'S WHAT I DO.
I TAKE PICTURES
AT AUTO ACCIDENTS

AND SELL THEM
TO INSURANCE COMPANIES.

I TOOK AN ILLEGAL LEFT TURN
AND GOT NAILED
BY A BREAD TRUCK.

IT'S ONE OF MY BEST SHOTS.

OH, YEAH.
WAS THAT JERRY THERE?

NO, THAT'S
A PARKER HOUSE ROLL.

THERE'S JERRY!
OVER THERE.

[chuckling]
OH, YEAH.

I GUESS THEY WOULDN'T USE
THE JAWS OF LIFE
TO SAVE A ROLL.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU
HE HAD A GREAT--
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

YES, YOU DID.
COME ON, MARILYN.

YOU KNOW HOW I HATE
THE WAY YOU ALWAYS--
FINISH YOUR SENTENCES.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
FORGIVE ME, HONEY.

SORRY, JOE.
IT'S REALLY HER--
MY ONLY FAULT.

AT LEAST, THAT'S
WHAT JERRY SAYS.

OH, UH, JERRY, MARILYN,
I WANT YOU TO MEET--

BRIAN AND HELEN, RIGHT?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HEY, JERRY,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I TOLD HER HOW YOU 3
WERE PRACTICALLY JOINED
AT THE HIP.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
IT WAS FUN FOR A WHILE,

BUT IT WAS HELL
HAVING A SUIT MADE.

WELL, WE GOTTA GO.
YEAH, WE GOTTA GO.

[all chattering]

HI, I'M FAY COCHRAN.

I DON'T WANT TO INTERRUPT
BUT I HEARD ABOUT
YOUR WEDDING

AND I WANTED TO ADD
MY BEST WISHES.

MARRIAGE IS
A WONDERFUL INSTITUTION.

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THERE
3 TIMES MYSELF.

UH, MARRIAGE, I MEAN,
NOT AN INSTITUTION.

THANK YOU, FAY.

A-AND IF I KNOW JOE HERE,
HE'S PLANNING A DOOZY
OF A BACHELOR PARTY FOR YOU.

BACHELOR PARTY?
COOL!

JOE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE HE DID.

IT'S THE BEST MAN'S
RESPONSIBILITY.

WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED
ANYTHING LESS FROM MY BUDDY.

LISTEN, WE GOTTA GO
RENT A CAR.

WE'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND.
COME ON, HONEY.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
I'M NOT GOING THROUGH
WITH THIS.

I DON'T CARE
HOW EMBARRASSING IT IS,
I'M GONNA TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.

JOE, I JUST WANTED YOU
TO KNOW
HOW THRILLED JERRY IS

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
HIS BEST MAN.

WELL, I SHOULD'VE
TOLD HIM THIS BEFORE,

BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO SAY--
HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

I UNDERSTAND.

NO. WHAT I M-MEANT TO SAY
WAS I DON'T KNOW--

HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO HIM.

JOE, EVER SINCE
JERRY'S PARENTS DIED,

AND WITH HIM BEING
AN ONLY CHILD,

WELL, YOU ARE
THE CLOSEST THING
HE HAS TO FAMILY.

LOOK, JOE,
ABOUT THAT BACHELOR PARTY,

I DIDN'T GIVE YOU
MUCH NOTICE, SO...

SO DON'T GO TO
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

MAYBE JUST GET
THE OLD GANG TOGETHER.

YEAH, WELL, UH, OK.

REFRESH MY MEMORY.
EXACTLY WHO WAS
IN THE OLD GANG?

HEY, WHO WASN'T?

OK, LET'S START THERE.
WHO WASN'T IN THE OLD GANG?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
IS HE A--
A MANIAC, OR WHAT?

MARILYN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO HAVE--
HAVE THAT TALK AGAIN.

WE'RE STAYING
AT THE HARBOR HOUSE, BUDDY.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER ON.
BYE.

OK, TALK TO YOU LATER.
SEE YOU.

GREAT.

NOW, I HAVE TO THROW
A BACHELOR PARTY
FOR A COMPLETE STRANGER.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET
SLEAZY ENTERTAINMENT
AT THIS HOUR?

CALL THIS NUMBER.
ASK FOR RAVEN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DO YOU--

OH, YEAH, NEVER MIND.

IF THIS WAS MY OLD GANG,
I'D SHOOT MYSELF.

LOOK, THE ONLY REASON
THESE GUYS ARE HERE IS

BECAUSE I PROMISED THEM
SOME HOT ENTERTAINMENT.

AND IT BETTER BE GOOD, JOEY,
BECAUSE IF FAY TURNS UP
WITH HER SLIDES FROM VERMONT,

THINGS COULD GET UGLY.

IT'S ALREADY UGLY.
CHECK OUT ROY'S PANTS.

UH, DON'T WORRY.
I HIRED AN EXOTIC DANCER.
SHE'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT.

WAIT--WAIT,
WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

I'M NOT TOO SURE.
THEY FOLLOWED ME HOME
FROM THE CASH MACHINE,

SO IF I WERE YOU,
I'D KEEP MY EYE ON 'EM.

NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE,
HACKETT.

SAY, LISTEN,
IS THAT COUCH TREATED WITH
THAT STAIN-RESISTANT STUFF?

NO. WHY?

I WAS JUST ASKING.
BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE OUT OF CLAM DIP.

OH, CHECK THE FRIDGE.

[doorbell ringing]
I'LL GET IT, JOE.

AH, MONSIEUR BUSARD.

[speaking French]

OK, FELLAS, UH,
THINGS ARE GONNA GET STARTED
AS SOON AS JERRY ARRIVES.

WHO?

JERRY STARK,
THE GUEST OF HONOR.
HMM.

JUST--JUST ACT LIKE
YOU'RE GLAD TO SEE HIM.

AND IF ANYONE KNOWS
WHO THE HELL HE IS,
PLEASE TELL ME.

[doorbell ringing]

HEY, JERRY,
COME ON IN.

HEY. HEY, FELLAS,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HI.
HIYA, JERRY.

[speaking French]

HEY, JIMMY.
JERRY.

WHATEVER.

WOW! THIS IS GREAT.

[chuckling]
HEY, JEFF. LARRY.

AND MONSIEUR BUSARD.
MY FAVORITE TEACHER.

[speaking French]

COME ON, HACKETT,
GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
BRING ON THE BABE.

YEAH, BRIAN PROMISED NUDITY.
NUDITY?

[all chattering]
OK, OK, OK.

[whistles]

SETTLE DOWN, EVERYBODY.
ENTERTAINMENT'S
ABOUT TO BEGIN.

I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE
SALOME AND HER DANCE
OF THE 7 VEILS.

[music playing]

[men cheering]

(Brian)
MY COMPLIMENTS ON SALOME.

YEAH, HER NAME'S
NOT REALLY SALOME.

IT'S ROBERTA MULL
FROM THE GIFT SHOP
DOWN ON FEDERAL.

NO!

HEY, FOR A SECOND THERE
I THOUGHT I WAS IN MOROCCO.

[speaking French]

[all cheering]

ROBERTA?

JERRY?

JERRY STARK? YOU KIND OF
LOOKED LIKE YOU, BUT--

OH, ROBERTA.

YOU KNOW HIM, TOO?

WE DATED IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WHEN MY DAD MOVED US
TO OHIO, ROBERTA AND I
LOST TOUCH.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
HACKETT?

SHE GOING TO TAKE IT
ALL OFF OR WHAT?

YEAH, BRIAN,
YOU SAID, "NAKED."

NUDITY!

[all chanting]
NUDITY, NUDITY.

I'VE NEVER FORGOTTEN YOU.

EVERY TIME I MEET A WOMAN,
I COMPARE HER TO YOU.

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE
AND TALK?

LOOK, JOE, I HOPE
YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT, UH, WE HAVE TO LEAVE.

BYE, JOE.

OH, BY THE WAY,
GREAT PARTY.

COME ON,
COME ON, HACKETT.

[all chanting]
NUDITY, NUDITY, NUDITY.
SHH, SHH, STOP.

BE QUIET.
NOW--NOW, JOE, UH,

IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED
TO DANCE NAKED IN FRONT
OF A LARGE GROUP OF MEN,

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.

[all chanting]
NUDITY!

[music playing]

OH, I THINK JERRY'S WEDDING
TURNED OUT TO BE
PRETTY SPECIAL.

OH, YEAH.
HIS BEST MAN DIDN'T KNOW HIM,

HE DUMPED HIS FIANCEE
AND MARRIED THE BELLY DANCER,

AND MONSIEUR BUSARD GOT
SO DRUNK HE CHOKED
ON A CHICKEN WING.

HEY, BY THE WAY, BRIAN,
NICE HEIMLICH.

HEY, IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO
FOR MY DANCE PARTNER.

WELL, THIS WHOLE
MISERABLE WEEKEND
IS ALMOST OVER.

JERRY'S LEAVING TODAY,

AND HE'LL JUST BE
A DISTANT MEMORY.

MMM.

AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LIVE, FOR THE FIRST TIME
ANYWHERE,
MR. AND MRS. JERRY STARK.

[Brian sputtering]

BRIAN, YOU'RE A MANIAC.

LOOK, JOE, BEFORE
WE HEAD OFF TO BOSTON,

ROBERTA AND I WANTED
TO THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING AGAIN.

ESPECIALLY GETTING US
BACK TOGETHER.

I GOTTA SAY, UH,
MARILYN WAS
A REALLY GOOD SPORT.

IMAGINE, SHE ACTUALLY
ATTENDED THE WEDDING.

SHE WAS A LITTLE DOWN
DURING THE CEREMONY,

BUT SHE PERKED UP
AT THE RECEPTION

WHEN THE ROAST BEEF TROLLEY
SIDESWIPED THE DESSERT CART.

NOW, LOOK, YOU, I WANT YOU
TO PROMISE YOU'LL COME OUT
TO COLUMBUS AND VISIT US.

I'LL TRY.
THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I WANT YOU TO GET OUT
YOUR CALENDAR RIGHT NOW

AND PICK A DATE.
FALL MIGHT BE GOOD.

WE COULD DRIVE TO CIRCLEVILLE
FOR THE PUMPKIN FESTIVAL.

HEY, BETTER YET,
WHY DON'T WE COME BACK
FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

YOU AND ME
AROUND THE OLD CHRISTMAS TREE
SIPPING SPARKLING APPLE CIDER,

LISTENING TO PERRY COMO
SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

IMAGINE THAT.
I'M TRYIN'.

AND, JOE, YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE KIDS.

WELL, ROBERTA AND I'VE DECIDED
WE'RE DEFINITELY HAVING
A BIG FAMILY.

YEAH, AND BOY OR GIRL,
THE FIRST ONE'S GONNA BE
NAMED JOE.

[stammering]
NOW, LOOK.

YOU SEE, THAT'S--
AND OF COURSE WE WANT YOU
TO BE GODFATHER.

IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS
TO ROBERTA AND ME,

WE WOULD WANT YOU
TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN.
ALL OF 'EM.

NO, NO. I CAN'T--
JOE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO US.

I'LL HAVE MY ATTORNEY
DRAW UP THE PAPERS.

NO, YOU SHOULDN'T--
I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA.

OUR KIDS COULD SPEND
THEIR SUMMERS HERE
WITH UNCLE JOE.

NO! NO!
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.
WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW...

WHO YOU ARE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK, I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU
THIS BEFORE BUT,

I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
I DON'T REMEMBER YOUR FACE.

YOU ARE
A COMPLETE BLANK TO ME.

I'M SORRY.

[laughing]

WELL, HOW--HOW COULD YOU
NOT REMEMBER ME?

I MEAN, I MAY HAVE ONLY GONE
TO SCHOOL HERE FOR A SEMESTER,

BUT WE WERE PALS.
I KNOW WE WERE.

JERRY, I--

[sighing]

YOU HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER
PICKING ME FOR YOUR TEAM
IN GYM CLASS?

OR RE-RECALL THAT TIME
YOU MADE A PLACE FOR ME
AT YOUR LUNCH TABLE?

OR WHAT ABOUT EVERY SINGLE DAY
WHEN YOU WERE ON THE WAY
TO YOUR LOCKER?

I'D BE STANDING AT MINE,
AND AS YOU WALKED PAST
YOU'D GO,

"HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDY?"

JERRY, IF I DID
THOSE THINGS--

IF YOU DID THEM, JOE?
I'M NOT CRAZY.

NEXT, YOU'LL BE TELLING ME
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE HOMECOMING GAME.

WELL, OF COURSE I DO.

I--I CAUGHT A SHORT PASS,
TOOK IT UP THE MIDDLE 62 YARDS
FOR THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN.

IT WAS 48 YARDS, JOE,
BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
AFTER THE GAME.

I WAS STANDING WITH
THIS BIG CROWD OF KIDS,

AND YOU WALKED BY
ON YOUR WAY TO THAT PARTY
AT THE BEACH.

WELL, YOU LOOKED RIGHT AT ME
AND SAID, "HEY, COME ON."

WE WERE FRIENDS, JOE.

SANDPIPER AIR
FLIGHT 25 FOR BOSTON
WILL NOW BEGIN BOARDING.

WELL, I'M REALLY SORRY
TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU.

I'LL BE GOING NOW.

AND YOU AND YOUR REAL FRIENDS
CAN HAVE A GOOD LAUGH.

HEY, JERRY.

GOTCHA.

HUH?

OH, COME ON.
I'M YANKING YOUR CHAIN.

DO YOU THINK I WOULD GO
THROUGH ALL OF THIS,

BE YOUR BEST MAN,
THROW YOU A BACHELOR PARTY,
IF I DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU?

YOU MEAN?
I'M KIDDING.

WHAT DID YOU DO?
DID YOU GET MARRIED AND LOSE
YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

IS THIS GUY A MANIAC?

MANIAC!

(Jerry)
JEEZ.

LOOK, WE BETTER GET GOING.
I'LL CALL YOU SOON.

OK, BUDDY.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I FELL FOR THAT GAG.

[sighing]

YOU STILL DON'T HAVE
THE SLIGHTEST IDEA
WHO HE IS, DO YOU?

NOT A CLUE.